Dear John,
I recently reconnected with an old college friend after not being in touch for over twenty-five years. (We are both men.) As we were reminiscing over a few beers, we got to talking about a situation that was the cause of a lot of heartbreak for me back in the day, but that I had pretty much forgotten about. He cleared up an old mystery for me, though, although I’m not sure it wouldn’t have been better if it remained unsolved!
Back in those days, I had an enormous crush on a young woman I did a lot of idealistic volunteer work with through one of the groups on campus. I don’t think she was interested in me, but I was crazy about her, and, making up with humor what I lacked in good looks and charisma, I actually got her to agree to go out on a date with me. It was definitely the highlight of my college career. We had a lot of fun, a lot of laughs, and when the evening ended, I had high hopes for a follow-up. But that was not to be. Suddenly, this girl would have nothing to do with me. In those prehistoric days before social media and cell phones, it was relatively easy to disappear from someone’s life if you wanted to, and that’s what she did. She quit the volunteer group we were in, which was my only regular form of contact with her, and I didn’t even have a phone number for her once that year ended and she changed her living arrangements. I was terribly hurt – devastated – but it was obvious that for some reason, what had seemed promising was finished before it got started. I knew she had an ex-boyfriend that was always trying to get back together with her, and I assumed that’s what she decided to do and it was easier to just vanish than give me the bad news. I drank myself to sleep for a couple of months, then moved on. Eventually, I stopped thinking about her altogether.
Back to reconnecting with my old buddy. He revealed, in the course of our reunion, that another guy we knew – barely an acquaintance, certainly not a friend – also had designs on this girl and told her some truly crazy lies about me – fighting words kinds of lies – to undermine our relationship. Well, he not only undermined it, he got his way – all these years later, they’re married with a family! I still can’t believe finding all this out after so much time has passed.
I’m happily married now, too, but this has opened an old wound. I can’t seem to stuff it back into whatever mental box it was stored away in. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I have found out where this woman works and her email address. I’m way past the point of wanting to get back together with her, this isn’t about that at all, but I’m angry that there’s someone out there who thinks of me as some kind of deviant because she was lied to by the jerk she MARRIED! Seriously, I’m mad as hell about it when I think about it. I keep going back and forth in my mind as to whether I just write an email to say, “Guess what – the real deviant is your HUSBAND!” I just want to set the record straight and at least be on record as denying these things I was accused of. But then part of me says that’s just going to make me seem crazier and it’s better to just let it go. I don’t know what to do, if anything.
Sincerely,
Smeared
Dear Smeared,
I can certainly understand how dismayed you must have been to hear this story. How galling! But think about what it would be like for you to appear out of the blue decrying the scurrilous lies that were told about you twenty-five years ago. And then, once your email has been read or your voicemail has been listened to, what’s going to happen: will the liar guiltily look at the floor and mumble, “Yeah, I did that.” Or will he say to his wife, “Wow, he’s crazier than ever! He’s becoming unhinged! If he contacts us again, we’ll have to get a restraining order!” Yes, if this is just about getting it off your chest, you can compose a thoughtful email to set the record straight. If it were me, though, I’d be inclined to forget about it. It has been an awfully long time, and you’re happily married now. (And by contrast, she’s married to a manipulative liar.) Let it go.
There is one positive thing that can come out of this if it helps you come to terms with it, though: remember what happened to you and promise yourself that from now on, you won’t make judgments about other people based on things you hear. Form your opinion of someone on your first-hand experience, or don’t form an opinion at all.
Dear John,
I’m a female college student. There’s this guy who likes me but the feeling is not mutual. We were lab partners and he got it into his head that because I was nice and friendly toward him, that there was something between us, I guess, but there wasn’t at all. It got to the point where I had to make this clear to him because he was getting kind of weird. But now, anytime I check in someplace on Facebook or whatever, what do you know, half an hour later he’ll be there, too. We’re not friends on FB or anything, but he must have another friend who is friends with me, because he has a habit of showing up where I am without fail! What can I do – tell him I know what he’s doing and to knock it off? Ignore him? He’s not creepy or scary or anything, it’s just not fun to be having a good time with my friends then to look over and see him moping around. Any advice?
Signed,
Not His Friend
Dear Not His Friend,
If you left things on reasonably friendly terms with him, I suppose you could talk with him about this – perhaps if you remind him that he really has no chance with you, he’ll find better ways to spend his time. But the real solution here is to stop broadcasting your whereabouts. You can certainly let your friends (real friends, not social media “friends”) know where you’ll be in a way that’s a bit less public. If you insist on doing that, you have to be prepared for the consequences, I’m afraid, and one consequence is that people you’d rather not run into can use that knowledge, too.
I’m glad you say he’s not creepy or scary, because this is behavior I would consider pre-stalkerish. He has a right to hang out wherever he wants if he’s simply minding his own business, but if his behavior begins to worry you or you become the least bit concerned this may be changing from an annoyance to something worse, err on the side of caution and talk to someone in your school’s student affairs or security office about it.
Dear John,
What do you do if you accidentally find out something you shouldn’t know, but what you find out can’t be ignored? I’ve been seeing a woman for a while, and despite my making my desires known, she has maintained that she’s not ready to have sex with me far longer than any other woman I’ve dated. (She has also maintained that this is not unusual relationship behavior for her.) I’m pretty crazy about her, so I have simply accepted this, even though she has offered me no indication when she might be ready. The other day I was looking in her bag for a piece of gum (I swear that’s all I was doing because I knew there was some in there) when I found a condom way at the bottom! I was shocked, to say the least. I quickly put it back and put the bag back where it was. I didn’t mention anything, but I can’t get it out of my mind. Should I bring it up? It would be a good way to start a frank conversation I’ve been thinking is overdue – and I really think so now!
Sincerely,
Accidental Snoop
Dear Accidental Snoop,
In my experience, conversations that start out, “Hey, I was going through your purse…” tend to be really, really brief. Regardless of how innocent your motives were, you shouldn’t have been rifling through her stuff. And then to use that as a pretext for a conversation asking her to account for a condom? Not good. You shouldn’t have been doing what you were doing, so you can’t start a conversation based on anything you found. If you think a talk is long overdue, have a talk. But don’t bring up the condom. That’s none of your business, no matter how accidentally you learned about it.
Originally appeared at GoLocalProv.com.
Photo credit: Flickr / epSos.de
Smeared,
If the smears werent too outrageous eg. accusing of being a rapist or hitting women etc. Id let it go, it was 25yrs ago and as you said, you might come across as being crazy for bringing this up after 25yrs, and she might not even remember these smears.
““Not His Friend”–This may be your first encounter with the poor non-aggressive dude who’s so spitefully labeled by feminists the Nice Guy(TM): the guy who wants to approach a girl he likes but doesn’t know how without being an aggressive, macho a-hole.” He won’t be a Nice Guy(TM) until he become bitter and posts vitriol about women on the internet or to his friends because there was no chemistry with someone he liked. Not until he feels that any girl being nice to him must want to have sex with him or that he’s entitled to sex and a relationship… Read more »
Until then, he’s probably just an awkward shy guy who likes a girl who doesn’t like him back and isn’t sure how to deal with it and I hope it doesn’t sting too hard if she breaks the news and that he can find someone who’s more suited for him.
Ah. So he won’t become a Nice Guy(TM) until he’s exposed to a man-hating feminist.
Good to know! Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen to him soon, then.
Not at all! How is that at all what I said? Did you even read the post? Not until he becomes a giant meanie-butt, if anything. I have known, been friends with, slept with, and dated many awkward shy guys. And they’ve been amazing once you get to know them, for the most part. Sometimes I’ve had to put more effort in with that type of guy since he would too scared to talk to me or afraid he’d come off as an asshole if he approached a woman he considered so beautiful. Awkward ‘dorky’ guys comprise 80% of the… Read more »
I also am only aware of about 15% of the contents of my purse at any given time. It is totally possible that she was somewhere that free condoms were available (a concert, while getting a check-up at Planned Parenthood, etc.) Maybe she was at a bachelorette party or something where they were blowing up condoms like water balloons. Maybe she just likes to be prepared (although I wouldn’t really want to use a condom that was floating around in the bottom of my purse, I’m sure it would have gotten poked with a safety pin/earring back/pen at least once).… Read more »
I’m with you on this one. I’ve found condoms and lube in my purse that I didn’t even know were there. I haven’t even used condoms in a long while now since I’ve been in long-term relationships, have only had short term sex with people I truly trust for a while now, and get tested all the time–but hey, free condoms! Free anything! You won’t believe the crazy shit that I’ve found in my purse that I’d forgotten was there. Movie tickets from years ago, an energy shot I forgot to take, business cards I meant to follow through with… Read more »
(And by contrast, she’s married to a manipulative liar.) I mysef am a fan of setting records about myself straight and I’m trying to learn how to move on past the whole “vengeance shall be mine!” thing. But this does worry me a bit. She married a guy with whom her relationship started out as a bunch of lies. I can imagine the fact that her being married to a manipulative liar kinda adds fuel to the fire to want to get set the record straight. She was lied to when she didn’t deserve it (and this is not just… Read more »
“Not His Friend”–This may be your first encounter with the poor non-aggressive dude who’s so spitefully labeled by feminists the Nice Guy(TM): the guy who wants to approach a girl he likes but doesn’t know how without being an aggressive, macho a-hole.
Not a pretty picture, is it? But there’s not much you can do except make your rejection as swift and considerate as possible. Believe he, he doesn’t want to harass you; he simply holds out a desperate hope that must be crushed in a clear and direct manner so he can crawl back into his hole and die.
Yea. It’s the mean feminist girls fault that she doesn’t want to be stalked. She did not want a sexual relationship with him, even though he wanted one with her. It is her choice who she shares her love and body with not his and the fact that he can’t accept that is really telling. This whole “nice guy” concept is a lie, as is friend zoning. Friend zoning makes the argument that this guy was nice to a girl because he wanted to be her boyfriend but she just wanted to be friends. This makes her the bad guy… Read more »
Agreed. I see no reason that a woman shouldn’t have a condom with her, or that that is any sign of…whatever you think it might be. If she’s mature enough to have sex on her own terms, she’s mature enough to take care of herself, what’s surprising about that? Plus, there are at all times at least 5 things in my purse that I have totally forgotten about, just floating around in there. Stop thinking about it, it means nothing. Also, if you need a condom to start a conversation about sex with her, maybe there’s a reason she hasn’t… Read more »
I don’t get it – what’s the big deal with the condom? She’s prepared for any eventuality, even that today might be the day she want to shag him. So what?
“In my experience, conversations that start out, “Hey, I was going through your purse…” tend to be really, really brief.”
I can’t stop laughing!