We’ve been taught to do apologies all wrong. Usually we just make it worse.
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Step 9 – “Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
If you’ve ever done the Twelve Steps of Recovery or know someone who has, you probably know about Step 9. In order to overcome your addiction, you need to be able to face the people you’ve wronged and set things right wherever possible. If you stole something and have the means to replace it, you must do so. Making direct amends doesn’t just mean saying sorry.
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More importantly, if you don’t understand what you’ve done wrong, how can a forced apology assure the person you’ve wronged that you won’t do it again?
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In fact, saying sorry often achieves the opposite of the intended purpose. For example, if you reconnect with an estranged spouse to tell them you’re sorry for hurting them, you will likely just add fuel to the fire. Your presence brings back bad memories for your spouse, and nothing is solved by forcing them to recall those bad memories. Saying sorry doesn’t undo the pain you’ve caused, so let them grieve in their own way. Don’t make it about you.
If your apology is self-serving, it’s not a real apology, and unfortunately, our culture has been teaching us to do it wrong long before any of us even knew what sobriety was.
As a child, were you ever forced to apologize for something without ever being told what you did wrong? Perhaps the adult who forced you to apologize was trying to teach you a lesson. Perhaps they were trying to teach you how to take accountability for your mistakes, but if you don’t know you made a mistake and don’t understand why, then how can you properly apologize? More importantly, if you don’t understand what you’ve done wrong, how can a forced apology assure the person you’ve wronged that you won’t do it again?
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Like most people who demand apologies, it’s not really the apology that George wants; it’s the power.
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Then we run into the worst kinds of people: the George Costanzas of the world. In a later episode of Seinfeld, called “The Apology,” George arrogantly awaits an apology from Hanky, a recovering alcoholic from George’s past who, several years earlier, refused to lend George a sweater. When George doesn’t get the apology, he confronts Hanky and calls him a “step-skipper,” implying Hanky can’t really get sober until he apologizes to George for something as trivial as not lending him a sweater.
Like most people who demand apologies, it’s not really the apology that George wants; it’s the power. In my experience, giving these types of people the apology they want never helps the situation. The person is never relieved to know you’re sorry, and your apology never gives them the closure they say it will. So they keep finding new things to make you apologize for and continue to exploit your guilt until you wise up and move on. They also never apologize for any of their own mistakes, because they are always able to shift the blame onto others, and their apology-demanding is just another blame-shifting technique.
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The cliché “sorry not sorry” is almost redundant, because we already know the vast majority of people who say “sorry” are doing so sarcastically, facetiously, or in defeat.
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When children are the ones being forced to apologize, the ramifications are even more severe. Children often make mistakes because they don’t know any better, and rather than acknowledging their own failure to teach them better, adults often simply push all the blame onto the child. Instead of teaching the child how to do the right thing, they make the child feel guilty for unknowingly doing the wrong thing, as though good behavior is innate rather than something taught to children by adults.
If an adult refuses to say sorry while insisting that a child does, it sends the impression that adults are always right and children are always wrong. If a father refuses to say sorry while a mother constantly apologizes for every little thing, this sends children the impression that women are always expected to apologize and that men are always expected not to. If we want children to learn how to actually take accountability and learn from their mistakes, we as adults should model that behavior. We should take accountability and show that we’ve grown from our mistakes instead of trying to delude children into believing we are perfect beings.
The cliché “sorry not sorry” is almost redundant, because we already know the vast majority of people who say “sorry” are doing so sarcastically, facetiously, or in defeat. When we’re actually sorry, we acknowledge how we’ve made another person feel, assure them we won’t do it again, and grow from the experience. If your apology is genuine but the person doesn’t want to accept it, leave them alone. Demanding forgiveness is no better than demanding an apology. You can’t demand that someone feel a certain way; the only thing you can demand is empty words.
Also by Giorgio Selvaggio
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Photo: Getty Images
“The cliché “sorry not sorry” is almost redundant, because we already know the vast majority of people who say “sorry” are doing so sarcastically, facetiously, or in defeat.” You can say that about people who make apologies but don’t mean it. If you also tell them to apologize, they get so upset and can’t believe that they were told that they need to make an apology. In addition, I have seen too many good people being forced to apologize when they didn’t do anything wrong. Finally, you never see people in high positions saying their sorry or apologize and even… Read more »