—
I have recently moved on beyond feeling anger and resentment towards those I once loved and allowed into my personal space only to be manipulated, taken advantage of and used and abused emotionally.
Unsurprisingly to me now, it’s been far easier for me to forgive those people than it has been to forgive myself for how lowly I viewed my own esteem and value that I’d so blatantly allowed such disregard for my own happiness through submitting myself to various toxic situations for very, very long periods time. Ignoring all the signs and declines in myself…until one day, ironically it would be them who left me after I’d been washed up and emotionally emptied out to the point I had nothing left to give.
I’m no fool. The treatment I received was a direct mirror into my previous perception of how I viewed my own worth. Of course, I attracted people who didn’t respect me because I actually never respected myself.
After all, any self-respecting person would never endure such toxic behavior for long periods of time. One instance is bad enough, but repetitively for weeks, months or years on end in multiple relationships? Yeah, that was me. I was that guy, and I’ve been dealing with, embracing and doing my best to accept the truth that I feel heavy shame surrounding this for the past 8 months.
In my mind, I feel I can’t really blame those who are lacking self-awareness to the extent they can so casually and subconsciously project and inflict their wounds on others…
In my mind, I am the one to blame. After all, I am not a victim. I am the one who chose to stay. No one held a gun to my head and forced me to endure these painful relationships as long as I did…it was me who CHOSE THIS.
This was my previous love story, but it’s not anymore. My soul demands change. I’ve never been in the “hurt people, hurt people” club, even though I certainly have every reason too, I’m 37 now and never once experienced a true loving relationship with anyone beyond myself, and thank the gods I’ve embraced this journey into self-acceptance, as it’s become my saving grace, lifesaver and the reason why I’m writing this journal entry today.
Because of self-love I can now take all this anger, resentment, shame, heartache and grief, and utilize them into the rungs on my soul’s ladder, in order for me to climb higher and higher into the true alignment of my purpose. This means I will no longer change, alter or compromise the core who I authentically am for anyone anymore.
The price of losing myself is too high and it’s one I am not willing to pay. Each day I’ve gotten better at saying “NO! I don’t like that! “NO! I don’t want that!” and “NO! I sure as fuck won’t settle for any less than the mutually reciprocated love, respect and caring treatment I deserve!”
Thankfully, I know what I crave exists out in this world, because I EXIST and if it exists in me then it exists in others too.
I’m sorry Jared I’ve allowed you to be treated like some doormat for others to come wipe their shit for so long. I’m sorry you endured that, but these lessons were priceless…
Now you accept people for who they are, and how they arrive, not as potential or some idealized version of who you believe they will be one day. Now you choose to see their true colors at face value when they show you, and beyond the filters of excusing, reasoning or justifying such hurtful behavior. Now when they tell you they aren’t ready, or can’t and don’t know how to love you, you listen and believe them, instead of convincing yourself otherwise and hold out in the false hope and expectation that someday things will get better and such toxic patterns will change, and worst of all, convincing myself that I have the power to change them myself.
I am now releasing myself from the self-imposed obligatory requirement where I must stay in something I’m unhappy in order to make someone else happy in attempts to fix the unfixable.
Now I know that in the same moment I feel I must prove or convince someone about who I am as a person in my relationship, is the very same moment I will walk away. I won’t just walk away for me, but for both parties, because for me, it’s not right to participate in any partnership knowing I’m deeply unhappy.
I forgive myself for not knowing what I know now before I learned it, and pray I can move forward in receiving the healthier form of love and care I deeply desire and very much deserve.
I promise I have your best interests at heart from now on.
Jared, I love you…
—
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Photo Credit: Pixabay