In observation of her clients, neo-Freudian psychoanalyst Karen Horney (pronounced horn-eye) noted that of all the various ways people deal with conflict they all fall into one of three categories.
We either move towards people in compliance, move against them in aggression or move away from them in withdrawal. One’s specific coping strategy more than likely started in childhood and is unconsciously replicated as one deals with issues throughout one’s life.
You may have noticed that these three strategies are similar to freeze, fight and flight. The only difference is that these coping strategies are more complicated as you would expect from humans. And even though we have a tendency to rely on one of these three tactics, the world is complex which may lead to conflicts that would prompt someone to use two or all three tactics.
Horney’s belief was that using a coping strategy was completely normal. However, one’s overuse of a coping strategy would result in the strategy morphing into a neurotic need.
In shining a light on how we deal with conflict, we can take the necessary steps to face life and its conflicts in healthier ways, which can lead to the outcomes we have wanted for ourselves.
Compliance
The compliant type tries to deal with conflict by moving towards people. Their desires manifest as neurotic needs for approval, a romantic partner and to be regarded as excellent. Bear in mind that these desires are virtually universal, but those who rely on compliance to solve conflicts may have an obsessive desire for these things.
People who overuse compliance to deal with conflict tend to be people-pleasers, dread rejection, fear hostility, are desperate for romance, and require the symbols of success to be happy.
Those who overuse compliance believe that as long as they can ingratiate themselves to others, they will be safe. And while there is truth to that, these folks rely on it all the time to solve their problems instead of using the other two strategies.
They are afraid to attack conflict and potentially others head-on because they do not want others to have a bad opinion of them. They are also afraid to withdraw because they cannot bear to be without the company and positive opinions of others.
Aggression
The aggressive type deals with conflict by moving against people. Their desires manifest as neurotic needs for power and exploitation. I suppose given the times in which we live people would say that they do not want power. But I think that everyone holds some power, even a little bit.
Exploitation is not sought after by most. However, the aggressive type sees it as a must.
People who overuse aggression desire control over others and are proud of the control that they wield. These often hostile people believe that as long as they can control others and outcomes, they will remain safe and sound. If that means hurting others, so be it.
What they are unaware of is that they are actually being controlled by their inability to handle conflict in a way that does not lead to aggression. Whatever the initial conflict was which caused them to overuse aggression, it is that thing that they fear the most, and so they never actually achieve a long-lasting feeling of control.
The aggressive type wouldn’t dare to be compliant out of fear of being taken advantage of and they wouldn’t withdraw out of fear of not getting their need met. They must attack, otherwise they will be without.
Withdrawal
Those of us who are the withdrawal type deal with conflict by moving away from people. They have neurotic needs for self-sufficiency, isolation, perfection and success.
Withdrawal type folk believe that they will be safe as long as they keep people at arm’s length, if they hold no strong feelings whether positive or negative towards others and to achieve infallibility — to be perfect.
People who overuse withdrawal may seem like the most fearful type but that is not necessarily the case. Remember that these are all coping mechanisms that can be used for an appropriate situation and for an appropriate duration.
Just because someone runs away does not necessarily mean they are more fearful than someone who chooses to fight or someone who chooses to be likeable. They could all have the same level of fear in a conflict but they simply use different tactics to mitigate their fear.
The withdrawal type would not consider attacking conflict because they may get hurt in the process. They would also avoid compliance because people may not be trustworthy. Plus it would interfere with their staunch independence.
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Karen Horney theorized that the coping strategies people use or overuse cause them to develop a false self because they consider the world to be largely hostile. After all, if the world is a terrible place, one can never allow themselves to be the real self. They must keep conflict away by using coping mechanisms.
The problem is that this overuse of any of the mechanisms causes one to be neurotic, or in other words, emotionally unstable and reactionary.
If you see yourself overusing any of these coping strategies, the most important thing is to recognize that the world, people and life are not hostile places. Yes, you can certainly point to all the atrocities going on at this time but you can easily point to the good too.
And that is exactly the point. One’s tendency to find conflict is what causes one to comply, fight or withdraw. A different attitude to life will allow one to relax and incidentally help one to deal with conflict in better ways.
Remember, it is okay to use these coping strategies. It is the overuse of them that is the problem and which gives rise to the neurotic desires we addressed earlier.
Secondly and finally, take a look at your past and find the event(s) that started the over-reliance on your coping strategy.
If you can come to peace or let go of the pain of the past, you may be well on your way to inner peace and a healthier attitude to conflict.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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