Iused to be very tolerant (understanding) because I’m able to understand the depth of why people do some of the fucked up things they do. This is why I’m not the most favored person in the room when a fight breaks out.
Usually, in a fight, both sides are looking to be right — or more right, because the goal, in the end, is to win. Usually, this win is perspective-based.
For example; when we triangulate others into the arguments we have with someone, it’s because the person we choose will (or will likely) agree with our side of the issue.
Meaning, their perspective will match our perspective — automatically rendering the other person “wrong”. My ability to see through this has been called “devil’s advocate”.
It’s not that I play both sides, I see both sides. That’s the wisdom of duality. In many cases, I’ve been on both sides of an experience so I understand that outcomes are about much more than “wrong” or “right”. In fact, it’s usually not about that at all. It’s about perspective.
We usually have conflicts with people because they don’t see things the way we do. Be it a belief, a lifestyle, a behavior, etc. We argue to get the other side to see ours, to understand, and to be right.
I had to learn, through playing devil’s advocate, that it isn’t about who’s right or who’s wrong — and honestly, it doesn’t even matter. The key to the majority of these conflicts is realizing there’s really no need to argue.
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Being able to empathize with where a person is in life and still choosing to look out for yourself, graciously, is a beautiful gift — and a stellar survival strategy.
There’s neutrality in accepting that you and another person speak two very different languages. Communication cannot be weaponized when you aren’t offering it to people waiting to use your words as ammunition. When you notice you’re talking to someone who doesn’t understand your perspective, you don’t play.
Once you realize that you and the person you’re communicating with aren’t on the same mental wavelength, talking becomes pointless. Knowing where you stand is an even more powerful move. One that will help you avoid any unnecessary arguments, because it will help you accept what is.
From my personal experience, it’s when I reached this acceptance that I stopped engaging in communication with toxic people who only enjoyed getting a ride out of me. But I had to see these situations from both sides to develop the art of complete neutrality.
I had to play devil’s advocate.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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