When Letting Go Feels Like the Hardest Thing To Do

I woke up today feeling like the garbage truck had just unloaded on me. Do you ever have one of those days? I felt like shit, and I just wanted to stay in bed the whole day and shut the world out. To hell with the world. To hell with everything. Then again, I knew almost instantly that’s not logic because if everything goes to hell, I’ll go along with it and that will make my life even worse. So I forced myself to get up.

I’ve been in a funk for a couple of days now, and this will probably continue. When I’m not like this, I’m usually optimistic, cheery, all-things-will-work-out-for-my-good kind of girl. I’m a firm believer that life is what we make it out to be. Of course, when unpleasant circumstances happen, it’s never someone else’s fault but our own. Sweet reminders, right?

Despite knowing all those, yet my brain does not seem to want to cooperate. I want to rant, I want to cry, I want to feel sorry for myself. At this time, I am completely aware of the two characters — the angel and the devil on each side of my shoulders, whispering into my ear.

Right now I’m dealing with an issue that I’m not willing to let go of. Yes, I’m familiar with the drill — go through this slowly, stretch out the hand, open the palm, release, and drop. Phew! There I go. But no, I’m holding, I’m clutching, I’m clinging on to dear life.

Easier said than done

Letting go is never an easy topic. It’s very motivating and encouraging to hear someone talk about it but when it comes to real life, it’s hard as hell. Most times it’s not because I don’t know the principles. Having devoured tons of self-help materials, they do more or less stick. But no matter how many times I’ve been through those episodes, it’s the feeling I’m battling with.

Letting go is like having someone snatch the security blanket from me. Nope, not a pleasant feeling. Even though I know it’s time to move on, I still clench my fist and grit my teeth. In the past, letting go did not happen easily until after some ridiculous tug-of-war took place between my heart and my mind, and most of the time, it was with a great deal of unwillingness.

I realize I’m self-absorbed, and this is robbing me away from my present moment of happiness. While my heart says — let it go, my mind provokes — are you sure? Well, of course, I’m not sure. I find myself sitting at the edge of a cliff with an ongoing internal dialogue arguing back-and-forth about stuff that I already know.

I see myself standing at an intersection pondering on which road to take, or so I thought. Most of the time, we already know what to do. Our gut instinct, or intuition, is our immediate understanding of a certain situation. If we think we need to think it over or get another’s opinion, we’re denying ourselves. It’s rarely about not knowing, it’s about acting on what we already know.

Holding on feels so darn good. Besides, if I give away my “security blanket’’, what’s going to keep me warm at night? Shouldn’t that be mine forever? Never mind that it’s no longer serving me since I’ve outgrown it. Never mind that it’s clearly time to move on. It’s amazing the lengths we’ll go to hide the truth from ourselves.

Confronting the uncomfortable

To get over myself means having to deal with the hard truth that I’ve erred. I need to be in acceptance that things are exactly the way they are right now, whether or not I like it. The fact is that I can end all this in a heartbeat, flip the channel and continue with life by just making a conscious decision to do so. That would be easy if my mind does not keep defaulting back to the past and reminding me how good it felt.

Self-improvement is hard work because no amount of material can automatically switch our brains and elevate our mindset at the snap of a finger. It takes time, and the unpleasant news is that we take our own time to process and overcome. Some people are more apt to step across the line than others. There isn’t one size fits all.

Experience and determination count. To successfully master that skill means having the willingness to keep on walking even on shitty days. When we’re finally able to detect the light at the end of the tunnel, we make progress. When we can see what’s waiting for us on the other side, the letting go part becomes easier. We set ourselves free.

I keep repeating the same question in my head. Am I willing to sacrifice temporal discomfort for long-term satisfaction? Again, I already know the answer. The enormous leap is not about finding the answer, but to act on what I know. This is where mental strength comes in. It’s the ability to deal with life’s stressors and pressures, irrespective of the circumstances I’m in.

It’s the ability to regulate my thoughts, manage my emotions and have the courage to take action even when I’m having difficulty feeling motivated or gratified.

This too shall pass

Everything is ephemeral. Nothing exists afterward. The magic of life fades too soon. That is why every moment is rare and precious. When we understand this, we will hopefully learn to live with the awareness that what we have today may not be here tomorrow, so don’t go around wasting it away. If we live every ‘today’ to the fullest for what it provides, we won’t have to look backward tomorrow with regret. We will then cherish the events, things, and people that life has so graciously accorded us.

I must remember to not chain myself to the happily ever after because that’s an illusion. No matter how secure the blanket makes me feel, there’s no real protection. The familiar feeling keeps me stuck where I am, preventing me from moving forward where growth and possibilities exist.

But first, I must be willing to go through the pain of detachment, knowing that I deserve better and, most importantly, I can do better. Although it’s painful as hell, I have to loosen my grip slowly, shut my eyes if I need to, and focus on the bigger and better picture in my mind.

During times like this, I don’t need to toughen up and pretend to be a superhero for the world to see when all I really want to do is curl up in my bed and cry a river. I want to be brave enough not to fight my demons but to own up to my weakness. My feelings are valid and so I will be gentle, taking my time to process the whole situation.

I’m learning to let go slowly because I know one day I’ll look back and be proud of how far I’ve come. As for today, I didn’t manage to make it across the line. So I’m going to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head. I admit I’m not strong today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be better, but today I want solitude away from the rest of the world.

Unfortunately, that seems to be the only thing that’s going to work right now.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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