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I’m slowly learning that you cannot have a happy life, unless you are brutally honest with yourself about who you are and what you want. This comes down to facing your own stuff, taking responsibility for it, showing up and being authentic. I’m also learning that it’s not my wife’s job to fix me.
Sounds obvious right?
Of course, it’s not my wife’s job to fix me you might say. So let me add this. If you don’t proactively do it yourself, you are in essence, leaving it for her, whether you intend to or not. And when that happens, your relationship and the dynamic between you, will get screwed up and out of whack
Look, she wants to see the change in you. She needs to see the change in you, probably more than you know. But ultimately, you must want and need to see the change in you for yourself.
Thinking alone is not enough
So why do so many men expect things to majorly change, without making the equivalent major changes? If you truly want to make a better life for yourself, your relationships, your family, you’ll need to make some changes. But look, you can’t just change your thinking. You can start there, but you gotta go further.
A lot of us can fall into the trap of intellectualizing ourselves. It’s one thing to have head knowledge and to understand principles. It’s quite another to put them into practice and have them rise up from a deep-seated core belief.
Changing your thinking is definitely part of the process. How the brain works and is wired, is definitely a key aspect. But if you don’t take it further, if you don’t back it up with action, you’re all talk.
Look, I get this stuff, because I’ve done it. Talk, talk, talk, say all the right things, create vision boards, set intentions, goals, plans and dreams. You know what you need to do, where you want to be, so why do you not seem to get there?
Unworthiness and shame
Setting intentions is important. Apart from some of the bs associated with the law of attraction, it does tap into a powerful principle. The energy that is ‘you’, is what your life will become. You attract who you are.
One of the most toxic internalized beliefs that I believe bring so many men and women down, is the belief that “I am not worthy”.
As a little test, try this: Say the words ”I am worthy”. Then, feel how that feels in your body. Are you numb, excited, accepting or rejecting this belief? Being worthy comes down to the core belief that “I am a bad person”. This is different from guilt, which is more about something that you did. Shame is about who you are.
So, a little unworthiness here, a little lack of confidence there, a little self-doubting here, a little second-guessing there. Throw in a little “not good enough”, poor self-image, and lack of awareness, and you have a mix of toxic shame. And guess what, this may not ruin the best of relationships, it absolutely will.
You can have all the best intentions, the head knowledge, the know-how, but if you have an underlying current of unworthiness going on, it will undermine you every time.
If you are carrying chronic shame around, you have a deficit in self-belief. So, what can happen is, you can say the right words, and absolutely mean them, but if you lack the self-belief, you’re not going to follow through on them. And if you do, it’s not going to last. Sound familiar?
Brené Brown talks about this in many of her books and teachings. Check out these words: “I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do, makes us unworthy of connection”. In other words, shame says I AM a bad person.
So it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand, if you take this type of stuff into a relationship, you’re gonna have some issues. You can only receive love, to the level you love yourself. The changes can only go as deep, as the depth of your own love for self.
Where there is a discrepancy, you’ll either block, deflect or avoid. But all this does, is further reinforce your unworthiness. It’s a vicious cycle of shame.
This is why your wife cannot fix you (nor should she), because it is internal healing and transformation that you need.
Evolve or repeat
You may have heard the saying’ “if you keep on doing the things you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”. When you begin to evolve from the cycle of shame and inherent self-disbelief, you will begin to see changes happen around you that will be lasting.
Ultimately this comes down to identity. Who are you? What type of man are you? What type of man do you want to be? Where are you out of alignment with this? What do you need to do to bring you back into alignment?
For some men, it, unfortunately, takes the complete breakdown of a relationship before they are in enough pain to face themselves. For others, it’s a crisis of some sort. It could be financial, career, family, health or something else. But why wait until a crisis hits, before you start to address some of these things.
Make or break
The inherent belief about who you are, makes or breaks the man in you. So to make the required improvement you want to make, to transform from where you are to where you want to be, to move from intention to action, it’s time to address what you believe about yourself.
Where there are destructive patterns of thinking, such as “I’m not good enough”, begin to confront these. You are as worthy of care, love, support and happiness, as any of us.
Begin to see yourself through the eyes of your higher self. This is not fluffy mumbo jumbo. Your higher self is the you that is not damaged. This is the you who is pure, clear, strong and full of love. This is the you who knows you better than anyone.
In saying that it’s not your wife’s job to fix you, this is because she is not your higher self. The changes you want to see, are the changes that only you can make.
You are worthy. You are of immense value. You are capable of being all that you want to be. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take one small step toward worthiness and one small step away from shame.
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