She said she wasn’t ready to date anyone.
Now here, I am in a restaurant a few weeks later. And there she is, strolling in with a guy on her arm. On a date. What changed in that short space of time?
Have you ever been in this situation? I have; and here’s what I’ve learned.
Sometimes, nothing has changed in the person’s life. It’s just that the next suitor’s approach was better. Of course, trust is a key part of successful approaches — because who doesn’t want to protect their heart?
These are the three ways I now use to build trust, and how you can use them.
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1. Build a body of work
One of the best green flags when building trust is proof that you’re who you say you are. It’s natural for a person who wants to prove their character to do nice things. Like, be polite to waiters. Or remember something someone said in a conversation. Every nice act builds a body of work that supports your friendly character.
When you commit to a persona, you’re demonstrating your behavior isn’t an act. But a habit. This belief is at the core of Steve Harvey’s 90-day-rule in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. The rule encourages women to make the man they’re dating wait 90 days before having sex. It’s a way to try out a relationship before making any physical or long-term emotional investments.
Trust has to be earned and should come only after the passage of time. — Arthur Ashe
Your body of work can take the form of text messages, emails, awards, etc. Thanks to technology, your character references are available 24/7. These serve the purpose of countering people’s objections:
- Are you really who you say you are?
- What exactly are your motives? Do they align with mine?
- What results does a relationship with you give? Can you deliver the results you promise?
A trustworthy person creates behavioral patterns and repeats similar actions in different places to address those concerns and give reassurance. Despite what’s been drilled into our heads by movies, one over-the-top heroic act isn’t enough. Repetition has significant effects on trustors.
Only promise what you can deliver. It’s always a good idea to act like the person you say you are. This reinforces the message you want people to believe about you.
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2. Have someone or something attest to your character
When introduced, the first thing people may have noticed was his title.
It included a Ph.D. And his name appeared on several research papers and patents. He even took part in several biotech startups. Christopher Duntsch looked very qualified on paper. I’ll admit Doctor Death’s 15 years of medical training and resume would have impressed me, as well.
Marketers call this social proof. Trusted individuals usually give us a reason to trust them. Sometimes, it’s a wing woman who makes you sound like an eligible bachelorette to potential dates. Other times, it’s a number-driven curriculum vitae, reviews, or client testimonials.
It’s hardwired into our brains to seek safety. So, evidence is a super powerful tool to build trust. Having third parties back up your claims creates the social safety people crave. One of the ways to do this is to get into the habit of asking people in your circle what they think of you.
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3. Share personal stories when appropriate
Even if it’s the one time I lent someone a pen or let someone with one item go ahead of me at the checkout line, the point is I did something nice. This fact doesn’t change because I only did it once.
When I was younger, it was hard for me to admit these things. Sometimes, this made my cover letters boring. Because if you never achieved that record or did that task again, why mention it, right? Nope. It’s okay to share parts of yourself. Sharing stories makes you appear vulnerable.
Brené Brown is a research professor who studies vulnerability, worthiness, courage, and shame. She often explains how trust and vulnerability intertwine. In a TED Talk, Brown says that vulnerable people have an underlying quality of worthiness. They believe in who they are and their imperfections and open themselves up to being let down by others.
By understanding the needs of people in your midst, you can make yourself approachable to create an environment of trust. Professor and author of Friend & Foe, Maurice Schweitzer, recommends divulging personal information to put people at ease.
He explains that psychologists tend to use this technique to break the ice in sessions. Another technique he recommends is removing status symbols. By removing one’s jacket, tie, or lab coat, you can erase evidence of authority and make people more willing to confide in you.
A trusted person curates personal stories that show a history that’s in line with who they are now. As the person you are becoming will need to do these sorts of things regularly. So, you want the narrative surrounding you to either encourage good future behaviors or distract people from your dishonesty.
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Summing Things Up
There you have it; three effective traits that build trust. You already know if you’re a person worth trusting. These tips are all about getting others to agree. Trust isn’t the easiest thing to gain. But establishing credibility, demonstrated behavior, and vulnerability can lead to people trusting you.
The bad news is trust isn’t self-fulling. Iris Bohnet and Steffen Huck’s study found that individuals are more trustworthy after exposure to good partner treatment. It means that unless someone’s trust matters to you; you are likely to break it.
Consider the reasons you want to earn someone’s trust, and more importantly the outcome of success. By knowing your motivation, you can build and maintain the trust of others.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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