Our love lives as adults are strongly characterized by the relationship we had with our parents when we were young.
I grew up in an environment influenced by my overly anxious father and a mother who tried to balance out all the troubles that ran in our family. Our common anxiety increased when my sister was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 14.
At the beginning of her illness, her critical condition, the endless phone calls between doctors and my parents, and the constant fear of losing her determined our lives.
It took me many years and tons of self-reflection to understand that the anxiety from my childhood negatively influenced my romantic bonds with men.
I started with therapy sessions, hypnosis and learned how to reclaim my self-confidence. I found the roots of my anxieties, and even though I am not completely healed yet, I feel like my current relationship is healthy and helps me heal my anxiety even more.
Here are five green flags that your new relationship can help you heal your anxious attachment style.
1. You aren’t afraid of addressing your concerns.
Were you ever afraid of addressing your concerns? Or do you know someone who suffers in a relationship but the person is too afraid of saying something?
A friend of mine committed to a relationship with a man who gaslights her all the time. Even though she told me how toxic he was for her, she said she couldn’t leave him or tell him how he felt about his harmful behavior.
You can open up to your partner without fearing he could leave you? You can address your concerns with confidence? This is a great fundament for a happy relationship!
By addressing your needs, you give them legitimacy. You feel seen, heard, and loved. Also, your partner knows how to make you feel safe.
2. You are considerate
For a long time, I dated men who weren’t considerate of me. I always was the empath who did everything to please my partner. I wanted to make my partner feel good, but instead, I forgot about my own needs.
In a secure connection, you are considerate of each other’s lives.
My partner is showing me how his consideration by asking me about my feelings regularly. He leaves me space to do the things that make me feel good and supports me in writing and teaching yoga. He knows what matters to me and has respect for that.
“A healthy relationship is a feast of affection/giving for both people; not one receiving crumbs and trying to convince themselves its enough.” — Shannon Thomas
A balanced relationship needs two people who are considerate of each other needs. They make space for the things that matter to the other person.
A healthy partner sees your interests, friendships, and hobbies. They support you and do not only look at themselves. Even though it might scare the hell out of you to “just relax” and let someone else be considerate as well, you feel safer and safer with all the attention you get.
3. You can rely on each other
People you cannot rely on often have to deal with personal issues themselves. They may have an unhealthy attachment style as well, or they were raised in unsteady circumstances.
You love someone you cannot rely on? You should overthink your connection. Why? Because they disrespect your trust, your time, and your value.
Last year, I dated a man who never called when he said he would. He was late when we had dates. Also, his feelings towards me weren’t steady. Sometimes I felt like he was madly in love with me, and then he didn’t answer my messages for weeks.
Reliability is a sign of respect for your feelings.
Is your partner reliable and gives you a feeling of safety? Then, your relationship can be a great contributor to a healthier attachment style.
4. You both are willing to heal your childhood traumas.
Almost everyone has to deal with childhood traumas.
I grew up with a father who cheated on my mother several times. Even though I have an excellent relationship with him, deep down, I thought relationships always cause pain.
After my last relationship, I realized I was still carrying around many of these negative belief patterns. My mind was full of impeding thoughts about relationships.
So I decided to heal my childhood wounds with hypnosis. My trust issues dissolved, and I started trusting relationships again.
If you are constantly working on your mental health, you should expect your partner to do the same. It not only allows your relationship to become happier, but you’ll also feel closer when healing old wounds together.
5. You can be vulnerable with each other.
I knew the relationship with my ex was over when I stopped telling him how I felt. I was scared my doubts would finally destroy our relationship.
The idea of vulnerability is to openly show your fragile side, even though you could get hurt by being emotionally intimate.
“Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have the hard conversations.”
It can be scary to talk about emotions, but being vulnerable is a crucial trait of happy relationships.
Do you feel like you can be vulnerable with your partner? Great! Cultivate vulnerability in your relationship. Have the “hard talks” to get even closer. The results will be common growth and deeper human connections.
In the end, the hard work to heal your anxious attachment style has to be done by yourself.Inspirational speaker Linda Alfiori says:
“As long as you leave to others the responsibility to make you happy, you will always be miserable, because that is actually your job.”
But a healthy relationship will have a tremendous impact on your healing journey because you know that:
- You can address your concerns without being worried your partner could leave you.
- Your partner is considerate of your needs and will take care of your happiness.
- You can rely on your partner and don’t have to fear he lets you down.
- You both are willing to heal your childhood traumas
- You can be vulnerable with each other
You are worthy of love. Always.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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