“Good Enough” Isn’t Settling

When it comes to dating and relationships, people mistakenly think that they can have it all. We construct a list of the traits we want in a partner like Santa Claus is going to bring us everything we asked for in a tidy, attractive package.

But what if this belief is actually naughty? Or perhaps even impossible?

Just a cursory look at this and it does raise eyebrows, doesn’t it? I don’t have one friend that checks all the boxes I would have for a friend. I don’t have a family member that fulfills that either. Actually, I doubt that I check all the boxes for any of my family members or friends.

I don’t think anyone checks all the boxes for any other person, and to think this way is highly damaging but also quite revealing.

For starters, if you refuse to accept anyone who doesn’t have it all, you probably treat yourself the same way. What do I mean by this? If you refuse to be in a loving relationship with someone because they lack some great trait, even though they have plenty of other great traits, you aren’t as loving to yourself because you probably don’t have all the things you want for yourself either.

So basically, you treat others the same way you treat yourself.

The thing is, anyone who actually loves themselves despite not being or having everything they desire knows how damaging and foolish it would be to withhold love from yourself just because you lack some things.

We didn’t like when our parents or peers judged us for the things we didn’t have, but here we are doing it to others and doing it to ourselves.

Again, I have to take a look at friendships. I can easily think of the pros and cons of all of my friends. And yet, I love them all.

While it is true that I can get virtually all of my needs met because my friend group is so diverse, the truth is that I don’t. There are still some things that I enjoy on my own. Furthermore, there are some issues that they bring into the friendship that I don’t particularly like but that does not make me want to end the friendship. And then the issues that I bring into the relationship doesn’t cause them to end the friendship either.

Think about it. If everyone did exactly what you wanted and you did exactly what everyone else wanted, we’d probably be the exact same person. There would be no diversity and no contrast. Life would be boring!

So maybe the goal isn’t to eliminate the things you don’t like about others (or yourself for that matter). Maybe it’s about recognizing that these contrasts between one another give rise to the most enjoyable and most painful events in our lives.

But maybe there is one way to have it all. As far as I can see, the only way to have it all is to be single.

When you’re single you’re free to do whatever you want, whenever you want. You answer to no one. You enjoy the things you like and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t have to endure the annoying things others do or put up with a lack of the things that you value.

Because when you’re with someone, they are going to want things that you don’t want and they value things that you don’t value. Conversely, you are going to want things that they have no interest in and you value things that they don’t care about at all.

You both would have to work on compromises and try for win-win scenarios as best as possible and that can be pretty hard. So if you don’t want to have to deal with that, being single makes sense.

But of course, there’s a drawback to that because one of the best things in life isn’t just to do what you want to do. It’s doing what you want to do with the people you love. In this case, it would be a significant other.

If that’s a genuine desire for you, it just makes sense to go get it and to stop waiting for perfection because, as Joseph Campbell wrote,

“Perfection isn’t human. Human beings are not perfect. What evokes our love — and I mean love, not lust — is the imperfection of the human being. So, when the imperfection of the real person peaks through, say, ‘This is a challenge to my compassion.’ Then make a try, and something might begin to get going.”

Lastly, I invite you to really think about what you’re asking for when you say you won’t settle for good enough.

Good enough never sets the soul on fire. It doesn’t floor you with its beauty and ability. It doesn’t leave you gobsmacked and desperate for more. And that’s because anything that has ever done that is a lie.

Once you get to know someone that you used to think was perfect, you eventually wise up and realize that this person is just like everybody else. They may have a lot of money, but they might use money to solve problems and never put themselves in the solution, or they are too busy with work to be around as often as you want.

They may be extremely attractive but they may also be extremely insecure due to their attachment to how they look.

You may share an amazing connection with them but you both end up at each other’s throats or too afraid to share how you really feel because you both are extremely similar, which means the best and worst things about them are the best and worst things about you. Are you ready to see those things about yourself? Are they ready?

So for god’s sake, give yourself and the person you can actually be with a break and just date already.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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