Showtime admits to having been a guy who’s afraid of commitment, and he wants to offer some insight to women who may be confused about the men in their lives.
Being afraid of commitment is something that most men experience at some point in life. The idea of being tied down to one woman for an extended period of time can seem unnatural and even inhumane to many brothers. As men, many of us seem to feel that we have to experience as many sexual conquests as we possibly can before actually hanging up our towel in the proverbial all star “players” locker room.
Ladies, I know that it can be hard to deal with a man who isn’t ready for the same level of commitment that you are. So, as someone who has had commitment issues in the past I think I should share with you some of the reasons why a man may not be willing to commit to you. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make someone commit to your relationship. If a person isn’t ready, they just aren’t ready. But hopefully after you read this post you will have a better understanding of how some men think when it comes to commitment.
Healthy relationships are a significant part of living a happy life, and many people don’t realize that being in a relationship that lacks commitment can not only have a negative impact on your life, it can also affect the lives of those around you. When you aren’t happy in your relationship, it tends to spill over into other areas of your life. Healthy relationships play a part in many areas of your life such as your career, your social life, your overall health, and much more.
A study released earlier this year shows that cohabitation between men and women is on the rise with 48% of surveyed women moving in with men without any wedding vows. Roughly 40% of those people were married within three years, and 32% continued “shacking up” after three years. So it seems as though the way that people define commitment is evolving . While the way that folks see commitment may be changing, there are still plenty of men out there who are afraid of it. Lets look at some of the reasons why a man is running away from committing.
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7. Loss Of Freedom – Many men don’t commit simply because they feel like being in a committed relationship means that they have to report their moves to someone, and that can be hard to do if you are used to living an independent life without the responsibility of having to be considerate of how someone else may feel about a decision that they make. Whether it’s hanging out with friends until the wee hours of the morning, or not putting the cap back on the tooth paste, men don’t like to feel like tabs are being kept on them.
6. Lack Of Trust – Trust is everything. If a man doesn’t feel like he can trust you with his heart, you can fuhgetaboutit! He is not going to show any signs of commitment until he knows that it trust is not an issue. The first sign of dishonesty or deceitfulness will open the door for him to walk completely away from
The Big C word. No man of integrity is going to keep a woman around if she isn’t honest and loyal. If you want to keep him, make sure he can trust you.
5. He Has Other Women – This one shouldn’t be a surprise. Many times when a man isn’t ready to commit, it’s because he isn’t done playing the field. A man who still desires to be with other women won’t be in a hurry to commit because he will feel like he is losing out on something. And this isn’t always about sex. A lot of times men just want to have the option of going on a date with someone new, or hanging out with a female friend who has been in the picture for a while. For these guys it’s all about options.
4. Maturity – A lot of people make the wrong assumption that age brings maturity. That assumption is false because everyone does not mature at the same pace. In order to commit to that one person, you have to be willing to grow up and put away many childish thoughts and habits. Quite frankly, some men just aren’t mature enough to be in a committed relationship. You can’t force someone to grow up. If he is still living his life with the emotional capacity of an adolescent, you should move on and find someone who is looking for the same things that you are in a relationship.
3. Other Priorities/Commitments – Life can really be demanding, and sometimes as men we have a hard time balancing everything. Many of us find it hard to commit simply because we don’t have the time to dedicate to a relationship. Between work, school, family, and other commitments it can be hard to squeeze in that quality time that is needed to maintain a relationship. In this case he may only be able to handle a date or two here or there. Find your lane in his life and make the best out of it. Hard work pays off, and if a man is focused on a particular goal a relationship may be the last thing on his mind at the moment. But on the other hand, I feel like it’s a good sign if a man is committed to other productive things in his life. That means that he is focused and knows how to dedicate his time to things that are important. Maybe he just needs you to show him how to balance things in his life so you both can be happy together. Don’t make things harder on him by trying to force a relationship that he obviously doesn’t have time for.
2. Too Much Pressure – Ladies, if you are pressuring your man to commit to you because you think it’s time…just stop it! All that is going to do is push him away. And if he does commit to you under pressure the relationship probably isn’t going to last. A man has to willingly come to the decision that you are the one he wants to be with and no amount of pressure that you put on him will help him make that decision. If his love for you is genuine then eventually he will make a decision that he feels is in his best interest. If you feel like he is taking too long to make that decision, all you can do is voice your concern about it and then decide what is best for you. Either stay in the situation and wait it out, or move on with your life so you can find someone who is ready to give you all that you deserve. The choice is yours.
1. Fear – Fear is probably the biggest reason that many of us don’t commit. We are afraid of what will happen if it doesn’t work out. We think about all of the potential mates that we could have had if we remained single. The idea of filling our heart up with emotions and having those same emotions snatched away from us is scary! We would rather not go through a situation at all than to deal with the sadness that comes at the end when many relationships don’t work out. We have emotions too ladies. We may not always express them, but there are definitely feelings inside of our heart that we tend to guard heavily.
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These are just a few of the reasons that men are afraid of commitment. The bottom line is this… If he is really and truly into you, and he can see himself building a future with you, he will willingly commit to being with you. He will overcome his fears, toss that old baggage to the side and there won’t be any pressure needed because if he thinks that you are the one, you will definitely know it!
Originally appeared at The Single Fathers Blog
Photo: flickr/kenji ross
If a man doesn’t want to commit to a relationship from day one – Yes you read right, day one – Then he is not going to ever commit, and I will end it immediately. I don’t have time to waste on someone who just wants to small talk me or use me for a pen pal, just sex, or mess me around. I love who I am way more than that. I have no respect for men who are indecisive. Mean what you say, know what you want and get on with life is the right thing to do.… Read more »
very well said.. i will definitely try it
🙂
Most women nowadays are the ones that have real commitment issues since they will Never be able to commit to just only One Man. And it is real fact that most women are the biggest cheaters today since they really do sleep around a lot unfortunately.
My boyfriend got afraid of getting married with me after we decided to go for it with living together for 1 year. The discussion of getting married has made since I had to leave America with my work visa expiration. He was in divorce case during I was dating and living with him with his ex who came out as lesbian. The situation and the arrangement of us living together went really good each other. Our sex was exclusively good each other. After I left America, I was waiting for his positive action to proceed our marriage, but then he… Read more »
I just let him free and do what he wants to do, although I do not have great strength to say good bye to him and want to keep relationship if he was open for it, but also I definitely need space and protect myself from being hurt again.
I does no good to sugarcoat things…there is a big one that no one seems to have mentioned here and I’m sure many men are afraid to be honest about. My two main fears are: 1) That she’ll get fat/out of shape/not take care of herself. Part of this is not being attracted to many overweight women. However, there are plenty of overweight women I am physically attracted to whom I would avoid dating now because: a) My dad is overweight and diabetic and seeing his health deteriorate has been hard, especially times he talks about how much he regrets… Read more »
Hi A married man. I wonder how old your wife is. Maybe she is 40+ and her hormones goes through some change. Actually I don’t know why some women loose interest in sex in marriage. It happened to me,but I think it was caused by sexual incompatibility and also lots of emotions hurt. The video mating in captivity is interesting. Esther Perel. Dr, Brandy Engler also mentions in her book that close relationship over time can feel a bit incestuous . And that is a turn off.. We don’t want to fuck our brother. But when I read the advice… Read more »
Hi mr.Motivation Can men online understand the woman that wrote this in THe Guardian?: The Time -Wasters The Fertility -Drifters . “And yet how many of us have met (or even been) the thirty-fortysomething, forced to abandon a long relationship because the man wouldn’t start a family? Such men may feel that the relationship isn’t right, or don’t want their freedom curtailed, or other reasons, all as valid as a woman making similar decisions. It only becomes unfair, verging on selfish, when men keep such insights to themselves for too long. These are the time-wasters, what I’d term the fertility-drifters,… Read more »
It seems like an article complaining that men don’t want what women want and blaming men. It seems like an article complaining that women can’t push for what they want, for fear of being labeled “pushy.”
If having a child is a priority for a woman, but she’s not willing to make it known to her partner and stand by her decision, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for her. It takes two people to waste that time.
It’s not “fear.” it’s a rational risk/reward analysis. Maybe instead of asking “what’s wrong with men” yet again, we could start looking at “What’s wrong with marriage and commitment” that makes it so unappealing to men?
Women, feminists, have fought hard for centuries to get out from being under societal expectations and “the Patriarchy” and are being called “liberated”.
Now, men are also getting out from societal expactations, but they in turn are being ridiculed as “afraid” and “immature” by THE VERY SAME people in the former group.
Why is that?
@A married man:
People–men or women–who want a faithful life-long relationship with one other person, but don’t respect their partners needs/desires for sex are deluding themselves that it can work. If sex is important enough to her that I can’t have it with other people, it should be important enough for her to put some effort into. If she wants to stay married.
Very well put, sir. Thank you.
Comment of the Week!
Hi Jules You make me smile. At least the concept serial monogamist is not insulting. Why don’t you think women are polyamorous ? But we do not live in the jungle Jules. Women can control themselves if they want to. And many want to have a life long faithful relationship with one man. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. And one more thing. If I ( and any woman) loves a man,we can make love to him even if we are not turned on or aroused. That is the way our bodies are constructed. And happily enough… Read more »
I think his point was that it was difficult for a woman to maintain a strong libido in a long term relationship with one man. I don’t know if it’s that different for men; look up Coolidge effect. Either way, I think it’s easier for women to control themselves via restraint than via arousal. Which is to say, my wife might want another lover but for the sake of the relationship, just decides not to. On the other hand, she has not–too my knowledge–done much about strengthening her libido, although, for the sake of the relationship, that might be a… Read more »
Hi A married man
I agree with you.
Hi A married man You write: ✺” But it’s pretty rote and boring and does not provide much emotional satisfaction as the whole thing is rooted in resentment and rejection. How excited would you be about a lover who was “totally not interested from the start”?”✺ Just one more though. You use the words resentment and rejection. Are you sure the souring of your marriage is strictly sexual ? I turned against my husband after some years of marriage. And I am 100% certain that if he had demanded action from me by using testosterone or hormone pills that made… Read more »
@Iben,
Why not solve the emotional hurt between you two first and see if sex will follow later because warm feelings come back between you two?
How do you solve the emotional hurt when your partner won’t even recognize that here is any, and much less agree to talk about it?
Hi FlyingKal You say: ✺ “How do you solve the emotional hurt when your partner won’t even recognize that here is any, and much less agree to talk about it?”✺ I am not qualified to answer that question. You lived with a woman that rejected you sexually , and the few times she wanted sex, she refused to pleasure you,but was happy to receive oral sex, but no oral for you, no hand job for you and no penetrative sex for you. She has a problem FlyingKal or she is selfish. Somehow I don’t think she is selfish because this… Read more »
Iben, So why is it then, that the “advice” of “talking about and resolve your issues” are so freely dispensed as an easy do-it-yourself job, when it’s actually a long-term job for a trained proffessional to achieve that? I am just human, I can’t read minds, I can try my best, but I can only act on information I am given. If you (general “you”, not you in person, Iben) insist on saying that nothing is wrong, although most your actions says otherwise. If you insist on saying that you love me, and love to make love to me, whenever,… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal You write: ✺”So why is it then, that the “advice” of “talking about and resolve your issues” are so freely dispensed as an easy do-it-yourself job, when it’s actually a long-term job for a trained proffessional to achieve that?”✺ I hope you one day will find a woman to share your life with FlyingKal. And I hope she will trust you enough to open up completely to you. We do not know if it is a long-term job to open up your ex. Not all therapeutic technics takes a long time. Some is fast , and some are… Read more »
@Iben…
Hello Iben!
You write,
“A romantic women marries a man a little bit kinky,maybe bisexual also. Sexually we were worlds apart.”
The kinky, wild, animalistic traits. Yes…I can get with that. But, bisexual? Wow! So, you want to see him with other men? No thanks dear.
Hi Jules You write: “A romantic women marries a man a little bit kinky,maybe bisexual also. Sexually we were worlds apart.” The kinky, wild, animalistic traits. Yes…I can get with that. But, bisexual? Wow! So, you want to see him with other men? No thanks dear.” You misunderstood me. A romantic woman married a shy man only to later discover that he is a bit kinky,probably bisexual….. I was naive, I fell in love the SHY , a sexually rather inexperienced young man , but with free access to sex in marriage the shy prince turned into a kinky frog.… Read more »
@Iben…..
Hello Iben!
While I was not shy, I was sexually inexperienced. I too though I would have great sex forever. Kinky varies from person to person. I will do anything she desires except the anal stuff, bondage, or threesome….But, public, on the hood of my car, stairs, oral, all kinds of positions,…I am up for it.
“You misunderstood me. A romantic woman married a shy man only to later discover that he is a bit kinky,probably bisexual….. I was naive, I fell in love the SHY , a sexually rather inexperienced young man , but with free access to sex in marriage the shy prince turned into a kinky frog. He though he had found wild sex for ever. ( I am not shy). From now on I tend to believe in arranged marriage Danish style. At least let a sexologist do an evaluation of both before they tie the knot for life.” Maybe that will… Read more »
Hi A married man
You write:
✺”I complain about our sex life”✺
All women are different ,but it wiill surprise me if a man manage to make his woman more amorous by complaint about her sexually .
It is like a women telling her husband that his penis is too small.
I think Steve Horsmon have some good advice for men in your situation
steve@Steve Horsmon.com
I tried plenty of other avenues… candles, massages, outfits, toys, books and movies. I’ve always been interested in and open to what turns her on. I don’t skimp on the foreplay. But, yes, I’ve also complained, by which I mean speaking directly and honestly about what bothers me. Is that wrong? At this point, I don’t mention it to her at all now, except when she asks, “what’s wrong?”
@Iben..
Hi Iben!
Great I make you laugh:)
Yes, I happen to agree with what you are saying. If a woman truly loves a man, she will have sex with him, whether she is aroused or not. I realize that sex with a woman is a process (i.e., seduction). It takes some time to get her “warmed up”. We men are like microwave ovens.
However, sex should be enthusiastic! I always make sure I am very very enthusiastic with having sex with my girlfriend. I really love to fuck her enthusiastically and with passion!
@Iben..
Hello Iben!
You wrote,
Why don’t you think women are polyamorous ?”
Many are. I think if most women had their way about things, and our society would accept it, they would have several lovers at the same time. Ted to have brunch with on Sunday, John for sex. Mark for emotional support, and some others too for different kinds of sex.
Hi Jules
You are funny Jules. I like you.
Finally we now know why women’s sexuality had to repressed for centuries
all over the world 🙂
4. Maturity – A lot of people make the wrong assumption that age brings maturity. That assumption is false because everyone does not mature at the same pace. In order to commit to that one person, you have to be willing to grow up and put away many childish thoughts and habits. Quite frankly, some men just aren’t mature enough to be in a committed relationship. You can’t force someone to grow up. If he is still living his life with the emotional capacity of an adolescent, you should move on and find someone who is looking for the same… Read more »
#6 Trust???? Have you heard about the latest stunt? Women Are Selling Positive Pregnancy Tests..A different ‘trick’ women use the positive tests for is to extort money out of men by making them think they are financially responsible for a baby.Some use it to forcemen into marriage.
There are other things that keep people ,ostly men from commiting. #9 Prior entanglements. If a woman already has children, some men don’t want to take on the added responsibility. #10 Life incompatibility. Some people will only marry someone of the same religion. My mom wouldn’t marry my dad until he converted to Catholicism, which he did. Some people can be great friends, but can’t live together. Some people want to save themselves for marriage. Others insist on determining sexual comparability before they commit for life. #11 Other social pressures. I dated a couple black women when I was younger,… Read more »
Hi A married man You write: ✺”I played because I enjoyed it. Because I knew the excitement and novelty and stimulation meant more to me than what I generally found in longer relationships. After a while with someone, I’d get bored, feel smothered, find that the irritations outweighed the pleasures and move on.”✺ Let me first say that many women feel the same way,so women can also be players. Many women also get bored, go through many affairs,feel unsatisfied and move on to a new man and another new man…. But I have one question to you. You had different… Read more »
Hi Iben,
“You had different women for short periods of time. Did you from the very start tell them that this relationship would probably never last,because soon you would become bored and needed new more exciting stimulus ?”
It works the other way too. Do you tell every man who asks you out that your only interested in marriage and unless he is too he shouldn’t bother? I think early on in a relationship everyone has expectations, but we’re open to other possibilities.
Hi John
Yes it I agree it works both ways. My point was that players “play” with persons they know from the very beginning they never will commit to. But it is not part of their seduction plan to be honest and open about who they are.
I am no longer looking for a marriage partner,so I would tell a date that the chance of me getting married a second time is like 1% and I fear I will hurt his feelings..
@Iben, Hello Iben! You wrote, “But it is not part of their seduction plan to be honest and open about who they are.” In America I would answer an emphatic NO. This is what causes many many issues down the road for couples. The reality is Iben is both men and women function by consensual rules. Women know when guys are players more often than not.Why? Women are far more savvy and intuitive when it comes to such matters. Some men do use deception and so do women. Just because people have sex Iben does not mean their is going… Read more »
Hi Jules You write: ✺” The reality is Iben is both men and women function by consensual rules. Women know when guys are players more often than not.Why? Women are far more savvy and intuitive when it comes to such matters. Some men do use deception and so do women.”✺ Maybe so. But why do so many end up with a broken heart? If nobody gets seduced, nobody gets exploited then why all the pain,bitterness and hurt often for life? Players can fall in love Jules just like other men( and women) but often get cold feet when they find… Read more »
“You had different women for short periods of time. Did you from the very start tell them that this relationship would probably never last,because soon you would become bored and needed new more exciting stimulus ? Somehow I feel it problematic( unethical ) to open up a mans heart( and passion) and let him fall deeply in love with me ,for my pleasure , try him out and then dump him when he is no longer exciting to me.” No I think I almost never talked about relationships with any of them. They never asked and I never brought it… Read more »
Rereading that, childish, perhaps was not the best word to use. No offense intended toward anyone. In my own mind I tend to relate the ability to tolerate risk and uncertainty and nuance with adults and the reverse with children. A feeling of security can certainly be comforting and desirable. I don’t mean to criticize anyone who pursues it.
Hi A married man You write: ✺”The idea that we can eliminate uncertainty and risk from relationships seems like an unreasonable and perhaps childish goal.”✺ We can agree on that:) But I am surprised when I read you say this: “✺I find it amusing that, “It’s not a woman’s job to make a man happy,” or some variation of that is often bandied about but somehow it is a man’s job to take care of a woman’s feelings and make sure they don’t get bruised. Men should find happiness in themselves and learn that rejection is just a part of… Read more »
Typo
I wanted to write that Scandinavian culture is not a macho culture.
“It’s not a woman’s job to make a man happy,” is something I’ve heard around these parts if not literally than in essence. I’ve also heard it about like that from my wife. And she is not a macho person either.
There is some truth to it, I suppose. It shouldn’t be anyone’s job to make someone else happy, it is not something they can truly be responsible for; another person’s internal state. But men are no more–or less–accountable for this than women.
I don’t really know anything about attachment styles.
Iben,
I have never heard that one before. Honestly.
You said it yourself, just in your previous post.
You were just not using those exact words, but the sentiment was the same.
Just as so many articles does, even here on GMP. Telling us that it’s a mans job to pander a woman’s feelings so that they may not get hurt or scared for whatever arbitrary reasons, while at the same time any man is supposed to “own” his own feelings and suck it up.
And yes, I’m Scandinavian too, as you know.
I actually think that most of the reasons given for why men don’t commit fall under the umbrella of lack of maturity. From the men I’ve seen that are married, they don’t fear being held accountable for their actions. They might not always put the cap back on the tooth paste but they know they aren’t perfect and they strive to work on some of their bad habits even if they don’t get it right most of the time. They also don’t mind telling their partner where they will be out of respect for their partners and being held accountable.… Read more »
I have a hard time agreeing with your hypothesis about men and maturity. Or their lack thereof. Mostly because “maturity” seems like a loaded word implying, if not stating, that we need to grow up and commit to someone and do what it takes to make that work. I married late and would have hard time with the idea that marrying in my early 20’s would have shown greater maturity. The critique seems to come from a place that prizes, and forgive me if I phrase this incorrectly, some sort of ever deepening, ever becoming closer sort of feeling. People… Read more »
@ A married man
“I have a hard time agreeing with your hypothesis about men and maturity. Or their lack thereof. Mostly because “maturity” seems like a loaded word implying, if not stating, that we need to grow up and commit to someone and do what it takes to make that work.”
I agree. One can be completely mature and make the determination that they prefer the single life or would rather “hook up” or date than commit or get married. Life isn’t one size fits all.
It’s funny. Reading the comments, the word “afraid” from the title jumped out at me and I realized I’d glossed right over it on first read because that’s how we are, “afraid of commitment.” It struck me the second time: what is the difference between fear of commitment and simply expecting that it will not prove fulfilling or satisfying? It’s less of a matter of maturity or refusal to “grow up”, “man up”, or whatever and more a matter of stating this is the path I choose in life. We wouldn’t say that a homosexual man is afraid of relationships… Read more »
Hi A married man
✺ “’ve got a lifetime of not sleeping with other women to look forward to… I expected something in return for that.” ✺
No comments ,
@A married man..
“For example, I’ve got a lifetime of not sleeping with other women to look forward to… I expected something in return for that.”
What do you want in exchange?
Btw, you might also have a lifetime of not sleeping with your wife that often too!
I expected that a girlfriend who was in her words “up for anything” would be a wife I could be happily monogamous with. I don’t think I’m the only man in this room who values frequency and variety in his sex life. I expected to enjoy a sex life with a wife who was an enthusiastic and adventurous lover. Quality, not quantity (of partners) so to speak. Which is not to say, I got married for the sex. She is a wonderful woman in a number of other ways. But, when I proposed, she had a sexuality that I felt… Read more »
@A married man…
“But, when I proposed, she had a sexuality that I felt comfortable with over the long term. Which has since disappeared. So, I didn’t marry a cold fish and I won’t stay with one.”
So, do I understand you to be saying the sex has disappeared and you will give it a year or so to get better?
It hasn’t disappeared completely. Just a steady decline in quantity and quality to the point it’s hard for me to get excited (mentally–no physical problems) by the idea of it anymore.
So, yeah, a year or so. Work on some self-improvement in the mean time and see if that makes a difference. If not, I obviously can’t control her reactions to me, just whether I decide to stay or go.
Hi Jules and A married man On another thread here on GMP, a woman called Janis wrote an open letter to son about sex: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/an-open-letter-to-my-son-about-sex-gmp/ She is a sex educator and wonder what subjects we want her write about in the future on this website. Maybe a series where readers can ask questions? Why not give her feedback and tell her to write about this phenomena that some women loose interest sexually in their husbands after some time in marriage.( They libido may be the same.) Dr. Brandy Engler , the sexologist we know from many good articles here on… Read more »
@Iben…. Hello Iben. Always great to hear from you. Iben, I really think many (not all) women are just serial monogamists. I have done much reading and research on this over the past six months. Whether it is the book by Daniel Bergner, “What Do Women Want?”, or the book by Lisa Diamond, “Sexual Fluidity”, the common them is that many women need new lovers to enhance their libidos. In Diamond’s book, that focus on lesbian women, the same has been observed. Personally, I am not surprised by A married man quagmire. I was in his shoes for over a… Read more »
Dr John Gottman is considered by many to be the leading researcher on marriage in the USA. In one of his books he states that 2 out of 3 marriages will fail before the 40 year mark. Seeing how we tend to marry young (20’s and 30’s) and live to be old (80’s), that is a sobering statistic. So it really won’t do to ascribe the lack of desire to commit to some Peter Pan impulse or other psychic immaturity. That may be part of the story sometimes (with a corresponding Wendy impulse for women). But for many, the lack… Read more »
Hi Paul You write: ” lacking in making that choice. I consider this all part of “the queering of America” – ie the maturing of society to the point where very disparate visions of socio-psycho-sexual life can co-exist without trying to claim that some are more “right” than others.” I do not live in America,so the phenomena of men opting out as fathers and a high percentage of single mothers in the US is only something I read about. As you see it, is this single mother one parent households and men refusing to be fathers examples of this maturing… Read more »
Hi Iben – No, of course that’s not what I’m talking about. If a person (male or female) brings another human being into the world, he or she has a deep moral and ethical responsibility to be present for the long and difficult task of raising that child to adulthood. But that’s not what this article is about – nor is it what my response is about. The article is about why men don’t or won’t commit. And the underlying assumption of the article is that commitment – ie cohabitation/marriage with forever monogamy – is somehow the preferred state of… Read more »
Hi Paul
Yes I agree.
Today I learned something new. A transman called Sara Mads, wrote about his wish for “star families “. It can be for example be two couples pluss a single person , or two singles pluss a couple that raise children together. Is it doable ? With commitment I think it is.
Of course it’s doable. Anybody who knows anything about cultural anthropology knows that there are all sorts of configurations that work when it comes to raising children. What I object to are two ideas that I keep hearing over and over again: One is gender essentialism: The idea that kids need a biological [insert gender here], or else they will miss out on some essential childhood inputs. This idea is being put forward both by social conservatives, who want to deny LGTB rights to marry, adopt, and/or raise their kids AND by some men who want to extol the virtues… Read more »
Interesting title: “your” man implies ownership.
Is this a fear of commitment per se?
Or is this a fear of unilateral commitment? For either sex!
#8- he’s not afraid of commitment, you just don’t have what he wants to commit to.
That’s one of the things that people don’t consider. If you’re going to commit to one person for life, wouldn’t you set the bar extremely high?
There is not one thing is this article that applies only to men and as such I find it vaguely sexist and not illuminating at all. And WAY beneath TGMP’s standards about gender in society.
The very first comment actually DOES have truly male specific substance. I would rather DD wrote an article on this subject, it would probably actually have to do with men.
Hi Steve I have watched episode 1 and 2. You can skip episode 1 since they many talk and I guess you don’t understand Danish? But episode 1 gives names of the psychologist working on this projects. Go to episode 2 if all you want is to enjoy this. That is the wedding where the three couple see each other for the first time! This is decent men that want marriage, but had all given up. The ” experts” are a priest ,two psychologists( one is sexologist) and a anthropologist. They are matched on Intelligence Attachment style…childhood attachment patterns Values… Read more »
I know this probably covers several points in the list but THIS oh so much THIS
h ttp://www.cnn.com/2013/09/04/showbiz/craigslist-pregnancy-kit-sale-trend/
I was thinking specifically about commitment today, and whether it is unreasonable to be afraid of commitment – it is after all “commitment”! Maybe it’s SUPPOSED to be scary; it’s a point of no return isn’t it? Or it is supposed to be; you certainly need to think it could be otherwise it’s not really commitment; if you’re thinking what’s the worse that can happen, if it don’t work, it don’t work – that’s not really commitment. When someone is thinking of getting a tattoo we’re straight into deterring them – what if you don’t like it? Okay it might… Read more »
Having now done a search I’ve found the phrase “a healthy fear of commitment” comes up far more often than I’d expected, so I take it back – apparently that is a thing we say. 🙂
Very excellently put my friend.
Hi Joseph You are good! I am a woman and I am afraid of commitment just like you describe it. What if we can be more clear about what we can promise and what we can not promise. I will never be married in church and promise in front of God that I will never leave this man, because that means lying. I will leave if my health emotionally of physically is threatened. But many singles are too afraid of commitment . Danish TV now starts a series where experts pick out men and women they say are well suited… Read more »
Hi Joseph
Streaming of the first program about Danes that marry a person they have never met before.
http://www.dr.dk/tv/se/gift-ved-foerste-blik/gift-ved-foerste-blik-1-8
Hi Iben,
Hope you’re well today.
Interesting TV show you mentioned. I’m curious if the “well suited for each other” includes an assessment of their emotional maturity and intelligence AND their relationship skills.
My guess is that a match of likes/dislikes or personality styles has very little to do with long term success.
Let us know how it turns out!
#8. Poor quality in the available stock of single women.
Let’s face it. You really do not know what you’re really getting.
Not all of us can be super models and your idealized male fantasties. I aplogize for my gender and how horrid we are apparently.
@Erin…. Sorry. I did not mean to offend. Just as many women complain about the paucity of good men, I was attempting the same. I guess I could have used better wording. One thing about me Erin is looks really do not matter much to me. Yes, I love to see a good looking woman with a nice butt. But, when I meet women I go for intelligence, personality, her values, kindness,…..I actively listen and want to get to know who she is as a person. My girlfriend is a cop who is out on the streets.. While she is… Read more »
Erin, why do you go right to the “looks” thing? Men only care for women who are models? NOT. You appear to underestimate men and that’s what a lot of these talks are about. Understanding MEN and not stereotyping them.
Commitment has almost nothing to do with looks, and everything to do with integrity, Erin. Integrity takes longer to determine, while looks provide the initial attraction. Considering today’s family court, and our culture’s pretty dismal view of men, it’s imperative for a man to be certain that his potential spouse has the chops to stick it out, and not kick him to the curb when she’s bored or frustrated. Unlike men, women who quit a marriage are ’empowered’, not deadbeats, in our societies eyes. Say what you want, but many men have witnessed firsthand what Family Court has done to… Read more »
And still no mention of an oppressive legal environment that overly punishes men in the case of divorce… I don’t think a desire to forgoe marriage is a sign of “fear” of commitment. That’s just obvious shaming language. I know plenty of men who very much want to get married, but forgoe the opportunity due to not wanting to give away half of their accumulated wealth in the event of divorce. Sure, there are things you can do to prevent this, but it’s an expensive process and far from bulletproof. There are plenty of countries outside of the U.S. with… Read more »
Absolutely right, see my comment below.