For anyone who is on the path of healing from past relationship trauma and integrating their shadow, at some point one will ask the question, “Have I healed enough to be in something good now?”
Like anything in life, you want to know how much and how well you’ve progressed. But it is important to remember that as much as the relationship is the goal, the more immediate goal is a better relationship with yourself.
Everything else stems from that.
Are you less anxious? Are you less desperate for a relationship? Are you less reactive and better able to regulate your emotions? Do you know why you want a relationship? Is it a fear-based reason or a love-based one or a mixture of both?
Do you still rely on coping strategies to self-soothe or are you comfortable being single? If you are still self-soothing, be honest about why. That could be a huge breakthrough as to what is keeping you stuck in the same position.
Leading people on, daydreaming, masturbation, distracting yourself with work are just a few ways we try to hold it together but why not let yourself fall apart (at least to some extent)? After all, it isn’t really you that’s falling apart. It’s the ego and it’s unwillingness to let go of control.
Make an assessment of how you feel overall these days versus the last six months and the last twelve months. Have you seen an overall improvement in mood and in being able to embrace your life as it is?
This is a decent list of the things you can check to see if you’ve at least made some progress in this area of your life. However, could I describe what the end result would look like or feel like?
Technically, yes I could. But it would have to be with a disclaimer.
Ultimately, what people want in a relationship varies from couple to couple. You could see a couple that argue fairly frequently but they consider their dynamic to be healthy because at least they value each other’s opinions as much as they value their own.
But to another couple they would never want that. They want a relationship that is more peaceful, even if that might mean withholding certain information.
Or what about the couple who live apart together? These couples, either because they want to or because they are forced to, are together but live at separate addresses. It isn’t a long distance relationship because the two live in the same geographical area. They just choose to not cohabitate or to do so occasionally.
Other people can’t imagine doing that or don’t need to do that. They want to share the daily grind with one another. They want to share bills, expenses, a bed and the same space. They’d just look at the couple who live apart together as a fancy sort of long-distance relationship.
Then you have to consider that the relationship may change and what was once working just fine will eventually not be enough or perhaps may become too much. Communicating the shift in comfort is important in this scenario.
But if I had to give a definitive answer for how to know if you’ve become healthy enough for a relationship, it would be this:
You have a good relationship with yourself. You have peace within.
I said it earlier, didn’t I? If how you feel about yourself isn’t in a good spot, potentially all of your relationships are not as good as they could be.
Why? Because when there is inner turmoil, the ego has a tendency to seek an external solution to an internal problem.
And I suppose you can’t blame it for trying, right? If you’re sick, you take an external thing like medicine to treat your internal pain. Or, if you want to be more graphic, you have an inner desire for something and so you kill your opponent in order to get it.
The problem is that medicine often treat symptoms while the immune system (the real inner workers) fight off the illness. And of course, killing people in order to get a desire fulfilled just puts a target on your back.
This is why you won’t listen to your intuition when it tells you that that attractive person is going to waste your time. This is why you’ll ignore red flags. This is why you will see the person you like doing the same crazy stuff you do to avoid their problems and feel as if this is a bonding moment.
So perhaps the second most important factor that could indicate that you’re over your relationship baggage is yet another thing I mentioned earlier: you are not compelled to be in a relationship.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s definitely awesome to have companionship, specifically the type of companionship where you are accepted for who you are and you accept your partner for who they are. Nothing is wrong in knowing that that is what you want to experience.
But how many people already have this and then ruin it because they are insecure about maintaining their love? How many people cheat because they feel they need a backup in order something goes wrong? How many people get complacent and seek out the turmoil that they were used to in previous relationships?
The fact is that there are a few of us who probably don’t actually need a romantic relationship. Giving love is enough. They will never be alone because the love they give attracts people to them, whether it is romantic or platonic.
However, many of us want a partner to go through life with. All I’m saying is that it would be good to ensure that this partner is not here to make you feel better about yourself. That’s your job.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Valeriia Miller on Unsplash