When we love someone who doesn’t love us back, we tend to question, “why?” Whether we ask them or ourselves or the universe, our minds drift toward reconciling why the person we’ve given so much of ourselves to doesn’t share the sentiment. The problem is, when we do this, the responses almost always evoke feelings of unworthiness. We ponder what we may have done “wrong” and think things would’ve been different if we were more of this or less of that.
I’ve come to embrace the fact that I’m not for everybody. That’s Ok. It goes both ways. Everybody isn’t for me. As awesome as you are, you aren’t for everybody. We have to come to terms with this and not allow our egos to pull us out of character to please someone.
Plus, there are many different reasons a person may not love you that have little or nothing to do with you.
Here are just a few to help ease your mind and quiet your thoughts:
They’re still emotionally attached to someone else.
If a person’s heart isn’t free, it doesn’t matter how great you are. They may like you, but cannot love you. They won’t be swayed by your beauty, grace, sense of humor, or success. Even though they may find such qualities appealing or attractive, none of it matters much. Consciously or not, they’ll compare you to the person they long for, and you’ll never measure up for one simple reason — you’re not them.
When this is the case, understand that your love interest must let go, heal, and exert open-hearted effort to move forward. Until then, they can’t fully appreciate you or anyone else. And you can’t make them.
They’re afraid to be vulnerable.
Maybe they once loved someone who hurt them in unfathomable ways. They might have trusted someone who let them down, hard. Now they’re afraid to give anyone the power to inflict such heartache upon them again.
When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone, you give them the power to hurt you but trust that they won’t. That’s easier for some to do than others depending on personal history. Hesitancy could stem from childhood trauma. The person you’re seeing may have never felt safe or significant enough to let their guard down.
Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. — Brené Brown
The first half of that quote from Researcher and Author Brené Brown is why so many resist feeling vulnerable. The second half details what’s lost in that resistance. So, what does it seem is the barrier to love here? You? Or the gates of a guarded heart?
The two of you are incompatible.
This is the one we don’t like to accept because of its ambiguity. There’s no defined problem, which means there’s no absolute solution. Sometimes there’s no chemistry. Sometimes the person you’re head-over-heels for just isn’t that into you. It doesn’t mean there’s an issue with you or them.
You can pretend to like what they like or take an interest in their interests in hopes of developing a rapport. However, in every instance of this that I’ve witnessed, if it wasn’t genuine it didn’t last. It’s only so long you can feign intrigue before losing steam or being found out. Also, don’t you want to know that someone loves you for you? Not the pseudo version of you created to appease them.
Even if your efforts to establish common ground are authentic, it may not work. Or it’ll lay the foundation for a friendship. It’s near impossible to ignite a romantic fire when there’s no spark.
I get wondering why someone doesn’t feel what you feel, especially when the feeling is strong. But chemistry is unpredictable. I’ve loved people on paper with whom I felt no connection in person and vice versa.
You’re not for everybody. Everybody is not for you. The end.
They don’t love themselves.
Self-love is the faucet from which all other love flows. Someone who struggles to care for, respect, and value themselves can’t offer this to others. People can’t give you what they don’t have or haven’t learned to demonstrate.
I do believe that you can lift someone up with your love. You can try to boost their self-esteem, but they must take the wheel at some point for it to stick. Not everyone is in a place that allows them to do this, and unfortunately, some never get there. Know that you can only take them so far and shouldn’t have to endure emotional abuse or neglect along the way.
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Whether the reasons listed here fit your situation or not, the important thing to remember is that just because you’re not right for someone doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. We all have room to grow. Don’t let others control your sense of self.
In matters of the heart, not getting what you want can render unmatched devastation. There are significant outcomes in our lives over which we wield minimal power. At the top of that list is those involving other humans.
Release the burden of believing you control whether someone falls for you. And if they don’t, relieve yourself of the duty to “fix it.” Know that being you will be enough for the right person.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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