Do you feel like you’re going around in circles when it comes to dating?
Does it look like you always attract similar people?
Or, maybe you feel like you have the same relationships over and over again?
If those things sound familiar, you might have fallen into a dating pattern, without realizing it.
And although dating patterns aren’t necessarily bad, (for example, there’s nothing wrong with searching for specific traits in a romantic partner), they can also become toxic and destructive.
In this article I’m gonna explain:
- What are dating patterns
- The four most common toxic dating patterns and how you can identify them (by mentioning some of their signs)
- How you can break toxic dating patterns
Let’s dive right in.
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What Are Dating Patterns?
In simple words, having a dating pattern means following a specific formula when it comes to your dating life.
And no, that doesn’t include falling only for Scorpios and blondes. Dating patterns go deeper than that. They include:
- Forming relationships with people who are literally, the same (for example, with people who exhibit narcissistic traits).
- Ending up in the same situation with the people you choose to date (for example, being cheated on).
- Interacting in the same way with all your partners.
The thing about dating patterns is that they can be both healthy and toxic. You can tell the difference by the way your partners and relationships make you feel and what they offer you (or don’t) in the long term.
For example, falling only for nice, caring, and emotionally intelligent people is a great dating pattern, but when you keep forming relationships with people who are immature, selfish, and emotionally unavailable, it means you have a dating pattern that needs to be broken.
So, let’s take a look at the four most common toxic dating patterns and how you can identify them.
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#1. Dating the Same Person With a Different Face
If you look back to your past relationships and think about your former partners’ personality traits, chances are you’ll spot a couple of similarities.
After all, there are specific traits you probably search for in a person before you form a relationship with them.
However, if you keep dating basically the same person with a different face, we’re talking about a problematic dating pattern, for a simple reason: if things didn’t work out with that kind of person before, they never will.
People often develop this pattern after being in a turbulent relationship with someone to whom they got incredibly attached — but was also incredibly bad for them.
Signs this is true in your case:
- You keep getting déjà vu when you’re with your partner.
- When you compare your partner to your former ones, you struggle to spot any differences in their personalities.
- You have noticed your relationships fail for the same reason.
- All your partners are emotionally unavailable, abusive, or exhibit narcissistic traits.
#2. Dating People Who Are Way Too Different From You
By now, you are surely familiar with the phrase, “Opposites attract”. We hear it all the time. And while I can’t help but admit that opposites do attract, they usually don’t make the best partners.
Differences might be attractive when you’re in the initial dating phase, but once a relationship becomes deeper, they’re bound to become a problem and get in the way.
The truth, of course, is that we’re all (a bit) different. But, in order for a relationship to truly work and stand the test of time, the two people involved need to complement each other and have a similar mindset/similar life goals.
Dating people who are way more different from you is an unhealthy dating pattern because the relationships you form are doomed from the beginning.
While dating your complete opposite might seem exciting at first, when you realize you share nothing in common, can’t find any common ground, cannot tolerate each other’s habits, and have completely different expectations of your shared life, well, the idea of being together won’t seem that exciting anymore.
Signs this is true in your case:
- You think a relationship with someone who’s similar to you will be boring and unfulfilling.
- You shared little to no zero interests with most of your partners.
- You always close your eyes to your and your partners’ differences, only to realize later that these differences slowly break you apart.
#3. Always Forming Codependent Relationships
Another toxic dating pattern is forming dysfunctional, codependent relationships with the people you’re romantically involved with.
If you’re wondering what codependency is, according to this article in PositivePsychology,
“Modern understandings of codependency now refer to “a specific relationship addiction characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence — emotional, social and sometimes physical — on another person.”
and according to this one in PsychCentral,
“Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs.”
In simple words, while in a healthy relationship both partners depend on each other equally for emotional (or any other kind of) fulfillment, in a codependent (and therefore, unhealthy) relationship one of them gives and sacrifices their wants and needs to please the other.
Signs this is true in your case:
- You always want to please your partners and never say “no” to them.
- You have blurry or weak boundaries within your relationships.
- You often make excuses for your partners’ immature/bad behavior.
- You put your partners’ happiness above your own.
#4. Dating People for the Sake of Changing Them
This is the most common, unhealthy dating pattern I see around me, and one I must admit I had myself.
When I first entered the world of dating, I spent a lot of my time getting involved with people who were a bad fit for me, in hopes that somewhere along the way, they would change — that I would be the one who would change them.
The mere thought that someone would fall in love with me so hard that they would completely change themselves for the better, seemed pretty romantic and exciting at the time, and I see that many people today share my former way of thinking.
However, getting into relationships with people, who you think you can change somewhere along the way, always has the same outcome: a) they never change and b) you lose a lot of time and emotional energy.
Signs this is true in your case:
- You often find yourself getting involved with emotionally unavailable people, cheaters, narcissists, and people who exhibit any kind of destructive behavior.
- The idea of changing people sounds romantic and exciting to you.
- You like feeling like a savior.
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How Do You Break Toxic Dating Patterns?
In order to break a toxic dating pattern, you first need to identify what “unfinished business” you have.
Usually, the reasons people get stuck in dating patterns stem from their emotional baggage and unaddressed issues around family wounds and traumas.
For example, you might date the same people because you search for your ex in every new person you meet, or, you might be forming codependent relationships because you didn’t get the love and attention you needed as a child.
Step aside for a moment and ask yourself:
- When did my dating pattern started?
- Do my relationships mirror the relationships I witnessed in my early life?
- What is my role in my relationships?
- What’s something that’s always missing in my love life?
- Is there something I should do differently within my relationships?
Answering these questions (by being 100% honest with yourself) will help you identify the reasons behind your unhealthy dating patterns, and give you the roadmap you need to start working on yourself, and eventually change your dating patterns into more healthy ones.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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