The Seven Moments When Romance Gives Way To Reality

Does anyone else remember when Carrie farts in front of Big?

I was watching the first season of Sex and The City, episode eleven. And I couldn’t believe the fuss over her wind. As Carrie finds her comfort in Big’s life, she slips. One moment of weakness and with her immense mortification, she can’t undo her female faux pas.

It’s the end of romance for her. It’s when her romantic life grinds to a halt because reality has broken their status quo.

This moment in the series has me thinking about romance and reality. In the show, they are two opposing ideas. Romance is held in high esteem. Romance and perfection are intrinsically linked.

Perfect flowers. Perfect dates. The perfect meal. The perfect person. We portray ourselves as almost non-human in our romantic perfection.

And reality denotes everything that could go wrong. Embarrassing yet unavoidable incidents. The undignified sides of our personality. Our secret behaviours we hope no one sees us take part in. Everything that could ruin our idea of perfection.

So let’s indulge the idea of reality versus romance for a moment. There is far worse reality inducing moments than passing gas in front of your lover. Considering all that can happen in a relationship, Carrie should have settled for flatulence.

Bodily functions

If only gas was the only bodily function humans had to worry about excreting before their romantic partners. Yet, for most, gas is the least of our concerns when the moment strikes. When the accidents occur. When you’re inexplicably caught short far away from the confines of a bathroom. And you need to inelegantly dispel your mess in public.

There soon comes a time when your loved one will see, smell or hear your bodily functions. There will be no disguising the natural yet repulsive things our bodies do to survive. Most of the time this comes shortly after moving in together or after an extended holiday. There isn’t anything romantic about these functions, for the most part.

Childbirth

Ask any medical expert in the obstetrics department and they will concur about the unflattering side of childbirth. Though hailed as one of nature’s greatest miracles, it can seem unnatural compared to the perfection we’ve come to idolize.

Doctors and nurses warn partners not to look during childbirth. And there is a valid reason why. An expectant mother has little control over what happens during all the stages of labour. Passing bodily fluids publically is one of many realities our partner will observe. In fact, if that’s all our partner sees, our romance remains unharmed.

Child rearing

The day of childbirth is only the beginning of reality. With extreme exhaustion and testing of patience, both partners face constant reality. It’s common for both parents to wear vomit stained clothing. Accompanying this look is unwashed hair and the dark under eyes of exhaustion.

The recovery for a woman is also unglamorous. Whilst celebrities and royals pose for cameras hours after their child is born, the reality is far from romantic. For any recovering mother, the body spends months returning itself to normal. It struggles to righten the damage that occurred during childbirth. This can be painful and emotionally challenging. Or, as the heartless put it, very unromantic.

Buying a house

Have you ever moved into your new home before discovering it wasn’t as you remember it? There is mould where the stylist hung the oversized painting. The air-conditioning unit doesn’t work. The lawn is knee-high and a week-long devotion to the garden is overdue.

Whilst this isn’t the quintessential unromantic time, it is fraught with potential chaos. The hunting, the auction, the moving, the frustrations mounting as the financial pressure compounds. The reality of such a significant and permanent commitment tests the best romantics.

Intoxicated escapades

Is there anything less glamorous than your partner after a few drinks? We have the sloppy drunk, who can’t put one foot in front of the other. We have the happy drunk, who thinks this moment is opportune to suggest a three-way.

We have the angry drunk, seen yelling at a stop sign for being too red. And there is the drunk who can’t make it to the toilet, followed by the hung-over who suffers similar issues.

There is no romance during intoxication. From a sober perspective, we observe a side of our partner we question whether we enjoy.

Post-surgery everything

It wasn’t until I helped someone recover from surgery that I realized the unimportance of romance. Romance isn’t the priority during these times. It’s about being healthy. It’s about getting better, rebuilding a wounded body back into normal living. Depending on the specifics of the surgery, a person may suffer body and mental health issues outside of their control.

Death and grief

We can laugh at most of the occasions on this list. Or at least find the good humour in the reality. Most of Hollywood has poked fun at these realities. Yet romance takes a back seat to death and everything that comes with mourning these sad moments.

In the throes of grief, people can discover the fragility of their partner and the family around them. Romance takes a back seat to everything else necessary during the grieving process. For some, it’s about surviving. And this survival is one of the toughest realities a partnership can endure.

Let’s embrace our reality

What we forget about romance is how temporary and short-lived it is. It’s fictional in many ways, subjective in every way. And it’s one of the qualities of a relationship shelved during moments of anguish and hardship. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, nor something to gloom over. It’s the nature of relationships. Reality always trumps romance.

Romance is nice. But it isn’t how we live. We don’t live our life without bodily functions and stressful times. Nor do we live without losing our composure during times of despair. It isn’t living if we assume romance won’t give way to reality.

Instead of dreading the moment reality takes over, let’s embrace it. Let’s celebrate the first passing of gas. Or the first undignified moment. Instead of celebrating wedding anniversaries, let’s celebrate post-surgery vomit anniversaries.

Well, that’s going too far.

But if we could adjust our thinking when these moments happen, we could live a happier life. Romance isn’t dead when reality takes over, as Ms Bradshaw assumed. It means we’re accepting perfection is all but a myth.

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I’m Ellen McRae, writer by trade and passionate storyteller by nature. I write about figuring about love and relationships by analysing my experiences. Some of the stories are altered to protect the people in my life. But my feelings are never compromised.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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