This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend
The end… It hurts to set you free
But you’ll never follow me… -The Doors
Breakups, divorce, so long, farewells, auf wiedersehen, goodbye…
Sometimes I’m able to view all of my past relationships as one long movie montage. Long walks on the beach, playful wrestling on the sand, laughter. New furniture, pizza, and a movie, Christmas trees, and menorahs. Parents. Mine and theirs. Friends, mine, theirs, and shared. Fights. Tears.Colds and flus. Jealousies and doubts. Parties and long rides home. Too much to drink. Hangovers and eating in bed. Having sex, making love, fucking. More laughter.
I don’t mush the memories together like that on purpose. I realize that each person showed up with their unique selves. Some were more fun than others. Some more intense. Who am I kidding? Chances are if I was in the relationship it was fun AND intense. For awhile.
I never was one to view break-ups and divorces as grand failures. I guess if I just kept repeating the same patterns for my entire life, never learned a damn thing, and was unhappy about it all… then, yeah, not so great. But thankfully, I grew myself up, eventually. I learned from my past and found a rock-solid relationship. No, I didn’t find it. I made it. With the help of my partner, of course.
The thing is, I don’t think every relationship is meant to last forever. They change. I change. We change. Change together? Okay. Change in different directions? It happens. Why would I want to force a “feeling right” situation when it just…doesn’t?
“When things break, it’s not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it’s because a little piece gets lost — the two remaining ends couldn’t fit together even if they wanted to. the whole shape has changed.”
― David Levithan, Will Grayson
I hear people beating themselves over their inability to “make it work.” Please don’t do that. Chances are, you did try. Maybe the other person in the play of your romance also tried, but the curtain came down sooner than you hoped for anyway. That doesn’t mean the show wasn’t worth seeing. It doesn’t mean the experience didn’t matter. It did. It does.
Because everything that happens in your life is shaping you for the next act. I suggest you show up with no lingering bitterness or fear, that way, you can really enjoy the show.
But how, Annie? HOW?
The how is always the same for me. You decide it.
You tell yourself new stories.
Instead of, “I can’t believe I screwed up another relationship.”
You say, “I feel lucky that I got to experience love. I’m looking forward to more.”
Instead of, “I wasn’t appreciated at all in my last relationship.”
You say, “I now really know how much I deserve to be valued.”
Instead of, “I’m bad at relationships.”
You say, “I’m looking forward to learning more about me in my next relationship.”
If you’re in the habit of talking down to yourself, this may not be easy. But like with everything, the more you practice, the easier it’ll get. I promise.
And like Maude told Harold when he told her that he loved her,
“That’s wonderful! Now go love some more.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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