Turns out, the Mormon church did have a role in President Donald Trump coming to Utah to reduce two national monuments.
It has to do with salvation, and 41-year senator Orrin Hatch has arranged to make sure that he’s being recognized for helping with that as well.
Using the “seer stone” it acknowledged just two-and-a-half years ago, the church has located a wormhole deep in Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument that enables proximity to Kolob, as close to the Mormon heaven as a star can get. The half Trump is rescinding reportedly is where the passageway is found.
“This is a doggone good deal for me,” Hatch was overheard saying of his manufactured attribution. “Forget making fun of myself for my age — this should do the trick to appease myself to the three-quarters of Utahns not wanting me to run again. It will not matter one wit that I entirely broke my word when I said last time that this would be my last term. Or that I said ‘What do you call a Senator who’s served in office for 18 years? You call him home.’”
Miraculously, the handshakes and standard secret name Mormons are given depending upon the day they first participate in Mormon temple rites are what is required for accessing the passageway, reportedly located somewhere in Johnson Canyon and not unlike the very thing described in Chris Heimerdinger’s Mormon fiction books.
The rock has proved so effective in locating the passageway, even dementia-stricken church prophet Thomas Monson was able to spot it, said LDS Public Affairs communications specialist Karlie Brand, who interned for Hatch before getting a church job (THAT’s true). She had to take the phone from her boss, Rick Turley, the historian-turned-flak. That’s because he had fainted in disbelief that he and others using their research for the benefit of a “non-profit” worth $48 billion (also true) didn’t need to hide what it thought was an embarrassing secret after all.
It’s why Trump lumped the two-decades-old Grand Staircase-Escalante with the just-declared Bears Ears National Monument in cutting them back dramatically.
Hatch, not satisfied with passing even his own version of tax reform as Senate Finance Committee chair (also true), is still looking to add signatures (even though his literal one has been splashed on stuff in Utah for decades – also true) to a career as a politician that extends longer than the time it took nearly-as-old Moses to lead the children of Israel out of the wilderness.
It’s through this wilderness-once-again in the public lands that the 83-year-old’s lust for fame should finally be satiated, said his spokesman, Matt Whitlock, who should be trusted given his honesty on the finances of the GOP’s many health care bills.
Yet, that comes as the post-credits scenes still may not be over. Ex-staffers, from departed receptionist Terry Camp to former chief of staff Michael Kennedy, remain unsure if enough people will be saved for Hatch, who said God wanted him to run for the Senate back when the very first “Star Wars” was on its way, to get the recognition he thinks he deserves.
Rob Bishop, the congressman who actually worked on legislation to reclaim lands before the church got Trump to take executive action, is more upset with not getting credit for the land grab than he is with his particular efforts not being what enabled the heavenly access, since he’ll now admit, given a gone-to-Kolob constituency, that he’s become converted to Denver Snuffer’s Mormon-offshoot, see-heaven-now movement.
“My conservatism may be getting in the way of correct spiritual thinking, but who cares. Maybe my most-special Dr. Peppers will help me see Jesus, as Denver promised me,” Bishop said.
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