Some of the most cringe-worthy moments of my life have come when I was confronted on my beliefs and shown to be ignorant of the facts. It’s not something I’d want in a highlight reel of my life, but it’s certainly been a part of my journey. I’ve experienced this with politics, race, religion, gender equality— basically any area of importance in life. I had uneducated opinions because I listened to the people around me and believed, without question, biased sources.
The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn. ~Gloria Steinem
The things we choose to believe define us, and it’s entirely possible to form opinions without actually being informed by facts. Cue total embarrassment and defensiveness when we are then confronted about our ignorance by someone who is better educated, better informed, or simply more knowledgeable. Part of me would happily wipe these memories from my own mind, but then I wouldn’t have learned or grown from them.
I could give many examples of this happening to me over the years, but we don’t have that kind of time. There are some that stand out. As much as I hate to relay them, I know that it’s important to mark my own growth.
When I first began learning about feminism, I realized that everything I had learned about it to that point was based on prejudice, not on facts. Then, it took some time for my feminism to leave the realm of white feminism to become intersectional and inclusive. Even though I’ve identified as an intersectional feminist since college, I’ve still ended up in embarrassing situations when I was called out on not being inclusive about language around tanning as it pertains to race or not realizing that gifs of minorities can be considered digital blackface.
I did not always handle learning the truth well. I was embarrassed, but when I was able to step back from the situation, I chose to listen to what I was being told for understanding rather than trying to launch my own defense. So, I turned to more informed sources — reading the works of well-known leaders in social justice movements to learn about systemic oppression. While I didn’t read every book on the subject and sometimes only had the time to read articles, I did go out and educate myself on the issues so that I wouldn’t continue to make the same mistakes.
This is how we grow. We can’t just inform ourselves based on our own experience, perspective, and beliefs. That information is badly skewed and doesn’t constitute actually educating ourselves. Who we listen to impacts who we are and what we believe about the world around us. I couldn’t go on identifying myself as a person who believes in equality without learning more about systemic oppression and how to dismantle it.
“If you don’t understand, ask questions. If you’re uncomfortable about asking questions, say you are uncomfortable about asking questions and then ask anyway.” ~Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Americanah
But this week, I was in the uncomfortable position of being the one to confront someone about their uninformed opinions of feminism, and it was no picnic. No matter how kindly we might try to deliver the message, no one likes to hear that the beliefs they hold aren’t based in reality. We can’t just listen to Beyonce’s Lemonade one time and decide we’re feminists capable of educating other women on matters related to equality. If we want to be leaders or even workers in social justice movements, we need to put down our egos and actually do the work.
First, there’s the recommended reading. Basically, I would recommend that we read several writers on any given subject — not just the ones we’re predisposed to agree with. The reading can involve books, articles, essays, or any form of collecting knowledge about a topic — particularly topics that make us feel triggered and defensive.
But reading isn’t all we can do. There are tons of TED Talks and other videos that can walk us through learning more about any subject that interests us. When it comes to social justice, there are also qualified experts we can pay to learn from — by taking their seminars and classes to educate ourselves. We may want to avoid YouTube unless we make sure that the sources we’re listening to have the expertise to be teaching the subject at hand. “Bob” on the Internet with an opinion doesn’t count as a valid source for our education.
We also need to accept discomfort as part of the growth journey. It’s the most excruciating part to find out that we have been propping up the very systems we despise when it’s revealed that we don’t know as much as we think we do. No one enjoys being caught out for being ignorant, but we can get defensive and angry, or we can use it as a learning opportunity. We can grow through what we go through, or we can double-down on our ignorance. The choice is ours to make.
“It’s in the act of having to do things that you don’t want to that you learn something about moving past the self. Past the ego.” ~bell hooks
We also have to accept that we can’t fully understand and relate to everyone’s journey. As much as I advocate for racial equality, I can never know what it is like to walk in the shoes of a minority. I can try to understand, but it’s better if I just listen — and often, choose to take a backseat and support the work of those who can speak from experience.
This doesn’t mean we can’t use what we learn to work toward equality, but it does mean we should elevate melanated voices and try to avoid going into white savior mode. This is true in any area we’re studying. We need to understand that doing the work doesn’t always mean leading it.
Lastly, we need to understand that the work is more than a label we choose to represent us. The work is more than showing up to events or raising awareness on social media. The most crucial work we’ll ever do is making sure that we are as informed as we can be — that we monitor for and eradicate our own internalized prejudices so that we don’t spread them to others, however unintentionally. The work is continuing to learn and grow without assuming we have it all figured out.
I don’t enjoy being on the other side of calling someone to account or encouraging them to better educate themselves. I tend to be impatient with willful ignorance that dismisses knowledge out of hand, but I do try to hold compassion for those who have room to grow (which includes all of us). Sometimes, the work can be calling each other out in the hopes that some of the message will make it through the first line of defensiveness. Even though it is uncomfortable and often embarrassing, being called out can actually be a necessary part of our growth journey, assuming we’re willing to grow rather than sit with our comfortable, pre-conceived ideas.
Growth requires vulnerability and courage, but it also requires that willingness to do the work in the face of embarrassment, guilt, shame, and discomfort. Growth requires that we are willing to confront ourselves and our own beliefs as much as we do others, and it asks us that we step into discomfort on purpose in order to elevate ourselves to a new perspective.
Labels are often simply the decoration we use to represent ourselves. Without the work and the willingness to grow, labels alone are useless. They don’t create change, and they don’t make the world a better place. Inside those cringe-worthy moments, we find opportunities to do what Dr. Maya Angelou once suggested: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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