Dear Daughter: I Hope You Have Awesome Sex

ApprehensiveDad

Ferrett Steinmetz is tired of being told that he should point guns at his daughter’s boyfriends.

There’s a piece of twaddle going around the internet called 10 Rules For Dating My Daughter, which is packed with “funny” threats like this:

“Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising some kind of ‘barrier method’ can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.”

All of which boil down to the tedious, “Boys are threatening louts, sex is awful when other people do it, and my daughter is a plastic doll whose destiny I control.”

Look, I love sex. It’s fun. And because I love my daughter, I want her to have all of the same delights in life that I do, and hopefully more. I don’t want to hear about the fine details because, heck, I don’t want those visuals any more than my daughter wants mine. But in the abstract, darling, go out and play.

You’re not me. Nor are you an extension of my will. And so you need to make your own damn mistakes, to learn how to pick yourself up when you fall. I’ll help. But I think there’s value in getting lost. I think there’s a strength that only comes from fumbling your own way out of the darkness.

Because consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give. It doesn’t lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn’t degrade you to have some of your own. And anyone who implies otherwise is a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.

Yes, all these boys and girls and genderqueers may break your heart, and that in turn will break mine. I’ve held you, sobbing, after your boyfriend cheated on you, and it tore me in two. But you know what would tear me in two even more? To see you in a glass cage, experiencing nothing but cold emptiness at your fingers, as Dear Old Dad ensured that you got to experience nothing until he decided what you should like.

You’re not me. Nor are you an extension of my will. And so you need to make your own damn mistakes, to learn how to pick yourself up when you fall, to learn where the bandages are and to bind up your own cuts. I’ll help. I’ll be your consigliere when I can, the advisor, the person you come to when all seems lost. But I think there’s value in getting lost. I think there’s a strength that only comes from fumbling your own way out of the darkness.

You’re your own person, and some of the things you’re going to love will strike me as insane, ugly, or unenjoyable. This is how large and wonderful the world is! Imagine if everyone loved the same thing; we’d all be battling for the same ten people. The miracle is how easily someone’s cast-offs become someone else’s beloved treasure. And I would be a sad, sad little man if I manipulated you into becoming a cookie-cutter clone of my desires. Love the music I hate, watch the movies I loathe, become a strong woman who knows where her bliss is and knows just what to do to get it.

Now, you’re going to get bruised by life. But I won’t tell you sex is bad, or that you’re bad for wanting it, or that other people are bad for wanting it from you if you’re willing to give it. I refuse to perpetuate, even through the plausible deniability of humor, the idea that the people my daughter is attracted to are my enemy.

I’m not the guard who locks you in the tower. Ideally, I am my daughter’s safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.

That’s what I want for you, sweetie. A bold life filled with big mistakes and bigger triumphs.

Now get out there and find all the things you fucking love, and vice versa.

This article originally ran at theferrett.com under a slightly different title.

You might also like a mother’s letter to her son:

An Open Letter to My Son About Sex

 

Photo—Stewart Black/Flickr

About Ferrett Steinmetz

Ferrett Steinmetz - @ferretthimself on Twitter - is a Nebula-nominated science fiction writer and C-list blogger who blogs about puns, politics, and polyamory at http://www.theferrett.com - that's two "r"s, two "t"s. His urban fantasy debut novel Flex, described as “A desperate father will do anything to heal his daughter in a novel where Breaking Bad meets Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files,” arrives on September 30th and is available for pre-order. He lives in Cleveland with his beautiful wife Gini, a friendly ghost, and a small black dog named Shasta.

Comments

  1. I must disagree. Our children are human as we are and bound to make mistakes. But God’s plan is perfect. A man and a woman being intimate is a picture of Christ and the church. The two become one flesh. When you have multiple partners and sex is just something fun to do, it is no longer a precious gift to save for the the person you will share your life with, it’s just pocket change. Spend it whenever and wherever you please. The results? Unplanned pregnancy? Don’t worry- there’s an app for that. Abortion. Disease? Well, hopefully you were ‘careful’ but it could take your life. Lifelong repercussions? Because like it or not, young (and older) women tie a lot of emotional significance to sex, meaning they often walk away hurt, traumatized and usually not with their needs being satisfied as an important factor.

    I believe in abstinence and purity. It is possible, it is teachable and it’s a beautiful thing to witness. To see two young people exchange their purity rings as part of their wedding ceremony, pledging they had saved their most precious gift for their spouse and them alone. It’s sacred, special and worth waiting for.

    So I’d much rather hear fathers and mothers telling their sons and daughters- you are precious, worth saving for someone who truly loves you and don’t share your body like you would a lend a friend a piece of clothing or pair of shoes. You aren’t likely to get it back in the same condition.

    • Randi Fair says:

      Man, I am so happy I a not religious. I am so happy that sex has always been positive for me and not dirty and scary, leaving me “unpure” and in a “bad condition” for having it, which oddly, is only a condition ascribed to girls in religion, never boys.

      • Celina Doyle says:

        Well, I’d much rather hear fathers and mothers telling their sons and daughters that they are strong, autonomous and wise enough to make their own decisions. That their bodies belong to them, and that no one else gets to decide what they do with them. That having sex (or not) doesn’t have anything to do with their value as person. That virginity is a myth, that sex is healthy, and that marriage is something to be undertaken seriously, and not because you’re desperate to get laid and terrified to have sex without it. And how to keep themselves safe, not just physically, but also emotionally. Teaching our children emotional resilience is part of the job. Telling them to save their hearts and their sexual experience for marriage leaves them impossibly vulnerable to abuse, abandonment and neglect once they are married. Encouraging them to go out and get their hearts broken, have sex, have good sex and lousy sex, date people casually and seriously, try themselves and the world out, means they will develop self-sufficiency, and even if their marriages do fall apart (as more than 50% of them do, even in the religious world) they’ll survive it.

        I married my first sex partner. We’ve been married for 19 years. And, while I don’t ever regret marrying him, I definitely regret going into this marriage with so little sexual experience. It has put a strain on our marriage that has taken an enormous amount of work and soul searching and tears to work through. A strain that would have been easily avoided if I’d simply been brave enough to have a sex life before I met him.

    • Renee – I think the entire notion of saving ones self for marriage and the entire scenario you painted about exchanging purity rings etc IS beautiful. But it is not the only choice.

      A person’s sexual life and choices are their own. Whether my daughters save themselves or not, I want that choice to be theirs alone to make. I’m not religious by any means, however my understanding of the Christian faith leads me to believe that God supposedly gave us all free will to make our own choices… does that not speak to the virtues of not preaching abstinence and purity as the ONLY admirable choice?

      It’s statements like yours that make most of the world turn away from organized religions like yours, where people are shunned for being human and having normal healthy physiological desires, individual thoughts and personal opinions. Heaven forbid anyone try to decide what is right for them and their body, for fear others will look at them as “unpure” and “unclean”.

      I don’t find that beautiful. I find that ugly and elitist.

      But by all means, carry on preaching your “God’s Perfect Plan” for my vagina.

  2. I am a 26 year old that had a father exactly like this.

    I have friends around my age who had a range of different upbringings eg. overbearing father/mother, none at all etc etc.
    I feel that I have a much healthier association with males than my close friends and a wonderful confidence about myself that many other girls are not lucky enough to have.
    I have become a much more balanced, happy, confident woman because of the way my father was with me and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

  3. Bridget says:

    Here’s the problem, men are able to compartmentalize sex. For men it’s usually purely physical, especially teenage boys. There is no maturity behind it. BUT girls, especially teenage girls are driven by emotions. Yes, the physical desire also feels good, but she will feel a connection that is emotional. And like all teenage relationships, it will end. For the teenage girl who has had sex, that she psychologically feels was meaningful, her heart will be torn. And you’re promoting her hurt, essentially. And if she happens to get pregnant before she has accomplished anything besides teenage drama and hormones, you’ll be the catalyst to promoting babies having babies rather than women who change the world. Sex isn’t evil, but ALL decisions have consequences.

  4. This guy is weirdo. Any guy who sits and thinks and writes about his daughter’s potential sex life is just off. I would never want my father thinking about whether I am having good sex or not. If I found out that my father was writing op eds about my potential sex life, I’d go into Witness Protection and demand for a parental divorce. What a pervert.

  5. Unless you’re unfortunate enough to have religion, the only concerns regarding sex are health, safety and unwanted babies.

  6. Too many people are TOO loose these days with sex.. I’m tired of hearing the term repressed and things of that nature. Sex is incredibly powerful. People swear that it doesn’t have any worth. Sex is just sex. I would love to see their attitude when they walk in on their spouse getting screwed by someone else. This is exactly why we have so many std’s extra marital sex and pre marital sex because people don’t honor/respect anything. We encourage these young girls to be sexually liberated and then when they grow up, she meets the man of her dreams, women go on these forums whining. Why should a man have to deal with a woman that has had 50-300 partners? A woman’s/man’s sexuality is incredibly powerful. A woman can encourage me all she wants if we’re married. At the end of the day I want some sex with someone that valued their body (in a marriage).

    Condoms aren’t 100% safe and more and more diseases are becoming resistant to meds….

    • Reply to Guest says:

      We encourage young boys to be sexually liberated as well. Even more, actually – we still love to call girls/women nasty names because of their sexuality.

      “Why should a man have to deal with a woman that has had 50-300 partners?”
      Eh. I hope you know people don’t lose body parts or their capacity of loving someone by having sex with many people, or a lot of sex with not so many people, whatever. The same goes for men.
      And I hope you didn’t mean to sound sexist here. If anything, you don’t have to deal with ANYONE. I just hope guys that are not into “promiscuous” women are not promiscuous themselves, you know, just dislike hypocrites.

  7. I just like the helpful information you supply for your articles. I’ll bookmark your blog and take a look at once more here frequently. I’m moderately sure I will be informed a lot of new stuff proper right here! Good luck for the following!

  8. I don’t have the words to tell you how beautiful and refreshing this is. I wish there were more fathers like you. Thank you for not just thinking these things, but saying them.

  9. what a brilliant and beautiful piece of work.

  10. Absolutely amazing. I am the father of three wonderfully diverse teen aged daughters and you have just given me much to think about.

    I have joked before, never in their presence, that my policy with boyfriends (or girlfriends) would be, “You break her heart, I’ll break your legs.” The humor of that in my mind was aimed more at more own powerlessness (really? I’m gonna break your legs? Not likely.) at ultimately fulfilling that self imposed mandate of protector.

    Like you, I am aware that life is full of heart break and pain and rightfully so, for that is how we learn and grow, and the last thing I want is to diminish life for my girls. What’s interesting is how much I hadn’t realized that I was really just trying to protect myself. Gonna have to think on that one for a bit.

    Thank you.

  11. Beautiful post!! I love this article. You are awesome.

  12. For those who think sex is something wonderful and should just be tried out. How do you feel when you significant other cheats on you? And what give you any reason, or what is your basis for feeling offended or hurt? After all, its just another act, right?

    • cheating is not just sex, it’s betrayal, which is sex in a completely different context, and it might not even be sex, it could be something as simple as kissing to some people. Sex is in abundance, love is somewhat rare and very difficult to find. There is a difference between having sex for enjoyment, and being exclusive. Be safe, wear condoms, make safe decisions, have a lot of sex, but don’t give your heart out so easily.

    • AlbanianWarriorOfTheMountains says:

      Poor logic. Cheating implies that the couple made the agreement that they would have sex only with each other. So if someone cheats they are betraying trust and breaking a prior agreement. It’s not just about the sex. Not to mention plenty of people do not bar their partner from sex with others. Including the author of this article.

      You were raised to believe a few things about sex.

      1. It is bad if you are too young, no matter what you think or feel.

      2. It is some magical experience that needs to be exclusive and sacred.

      3. It is dirty if not done in the exactly correct context.

      All three of those are utterly wrong and cause a lot of issues and harm in our society.

      • So you’re effectively saying that if a 10 year old enjoys being fondled by a 50 year old man then that should be perfectly acceptable? There are some ages that sex is too young for, ie: when the people involved are not mature enough to handle the emotional repercussions of sex as well as the physical ones – pregnancy and STD’s for one. You really want to advocate that young people – who are reckless by nature regardless of having relevant knowledge – be allowed to rampantly sleep with all and sundry? Its that kind of thinking that leads to teenage pregnancy and the spread of disease.

        • Woah woah woah, I don’t think he was implying that at all. But in America, an 18 year old boy can be imprisoned for having consensual sex with a 17 year old girl– under the logic that a 17 year old female is far too immature for her “yes” to have any weight compared to the rapacious deviousness of a male who is essentially her peer. Everyone matures at a different rate, and unfortunately young people are going to make mistakes regarding sex no matter what. Personally I think this father’s attitude– one of openness, support and honesty– will be more effective regarding pregnancy prevention than a parent who avoids all talk of sex except to make unenforcable threats.

          • Well said

          • Men are pigs says:

            Statutory rape is the law. The 18 year old should know that having sex with 17 year olds is illegal. If he does it anyway he can go to jail and bend over for his cell mate who will be of age, at least LOL. I have no sympathy for law breakers. If you do the crime, you deserve the time.

    • Sex is supposed to be the ultimate experience in bonding with your spouse. It’s designed by God to be that way. To give every piece of yourself to your husband or wife. Don’t let society and all it’s ridiculous views on sex make you think otherwise. The act of cheating isn’t how it’s meant to be. Don’t get it twisted with something that it was never designed to come with. I feel for you if that happened to you. It’s something that will crush most people. However sex is not a fraction of what society takes it for.

      • That’s a interesting way to look at sex, especially because sex between some species doesn’t involve bonding at all.

    • Jen Atkinson says:

      Cheating is about the sex, it’s about the betrayal of TRUST. If you make a promise and break it, that’s where the anger and pain is, not in the sex itself.

  13. Look, you gotta test drive the car before you buy it.

  14. Good for you Dad!!!!

  15. Amazing. I so wish my parents would have spoke to me this way. It brings a tear to my eye imagining all of the battles we have had and all the unnecessary shame. Thanks for the writing.

  16. I wouldn’t marry someone i haven’t had sex w. I love it and am open minded about it and in no way want to wake up one day realizing that my husband doesn’t share that w me. And there are alot of men out there, trust me, who don’t share that. I want to marry someone i already know is compatible w me. Not end up divorced or worse. .. unhappy and sexually dissatisfied for the rest of my life.

  17. I’m gonna teach, lead and inspire my daughter well, trust her, let her make her own mistakes and successes and always be there for her whether she flies or falls. It ain’t about me, it’s all about her. If I ever threatened her or her partner with a gun, she’d take it from me and talk or knock some sense into me. You only infantilize infants. Good piece.

  18. Thank goodness! What a fantastic article and so refreshing to hear someone with such great aspirations for their daughter’s life. No wonder so many people have commented, people seem to have very strong opinion. The news today in England is discussing whether the age of consent should be lowered from 15 to 16, can you imagine people’s response to that when they seem upset and the possibility of enjoying sex!

    Sex is a choice you should be able to make, an informed one preferably. You can’t do that if you’ve been taught that the opposite sex is plain horrible and should be avoided at all cost before marriage. It’s one of the most fantastic things you can experience and you’d be missing out. Maybe more children and young people should be taught about respect for themselves and anyone they have sex, whether that be in marriage, love or a relationship.

    I wish I had a father like you Ferrett! Thanks for the post!

    • Well I remember the age of consent used to mean the age at which people could be married;
      in our country – just a smidgen before the 20th century – it was age 12 for girls and 14 for boys.

      I found this insightful about different cultures and times: http://www.nairaland.com/450419/age-marriage-medieval-times-paedophilia (just ignore the last word it’s just referencing a title there “Age of Marriage in Mediaevil times or Paedophilia” it is telling different ages from early Roman times through Mediaevil till now) History is great! We learn that things haven’t always been as they are now.

      I absolutely agree with you too about how awful it is if people say how horrible the opposite sex is, (mainly the old ‘boys only want one thing’) that is a really shameful, damaging attitude.

  19. Fucking brilliant!

  20. Wonderful article, and, after a few early squibs, some great, thought-provoking comments too (frogma and dox1842 should win prizes).

    So glad “10 Rules For Dating My Daughter” has had the kicking it deserves.

  21. What a beautiful article. I wish you were my father! Raising young women in an open environemnt that teaches them to enjoy the experience (when they are ready and armed with knowledge regarding pregnancy and STD prevention) without shame is a huge step in the right direction.

    As a single, 40 yr old woman with no children, and I am amazed that I still face judgement and criticism from others regarding sex. Amazing that a single, adult woman is still looked down upon for enjoying a physical relationsip with a single, adult man, while men are still praised for the same type of relationship. I hope that daughters raised in a more open enviroment do not have to experience this harsh judgement.

  22. I really love this article. A lot of people on here seem to think he’s telling her to have sex, but that’s completely untrue. He’s just telling her that he doesn’t control her or her body. He’s telling her to be herself and do what she thinks is right when it’s right for her. In fact, he admits he’s uncomfortable with the idea of her having sex, but she can do what she wants because it’s her body. So often today we see fathers high fiving their sons for having sex, but condemning and being ashamed of their daughters when they do the same thing. I understand being against teen sex, but these “threatening’ fathers he’s talking about hold their daughters to a different standard than their sons and are trying to control their bodies. If anything, this father’s message to his daughter is much more conservative than a lot of fathers’ messages to their sons (basically telling them to have sex as often as possible) but people seem offended by it. If you’re offended by this ask yourself if it’s because he’s talking to a daughter and not a son, and if the use of the word son would offend you less. If the answer is yes, it’s your own sexist ideals that are the problem, not this article.

  23. Like it. It’s reality. Girls will get hurt, and dads can’t prevent it. Girls are not wrong or bad for having sexual desires or falling in love with the wrong dude. (Let’s see…which woman among us hasn’t fallen for the wrong guy at some point? Did we want Dad pointing a gun at him?) You can threaten, cajole, and engage in general dad-harrumphing, but it won’t prevent your daughter from finding a way around you. And face it, Dads, your daughter is equally as involved in getting around you as her young man…so be someone she can trust when it all goes wrong. Because you can’t stop it from going wrong. It’s life. It’s young love. Teach her that she’s strong and she can cope. Because she can — and she needs to KNOW she can.

  24. I loved this man’s words. My children are young teenagers and I really don’t want them sexually active at this young an age however I have spoken to my son who is 13 about sex being a priveledge not a right. I have told him how this act should only be done in a loving and trusting way. I have reminded him how there are diseases out there and he has to be the master of his own health and destiny.
    But most of all I spoke of how to respect a woman who is prepared to share the act with him and to be sure that she respects him. I have also told them of the wonderful experience I had when I lost my virginity (G-rated version). The time was right and the young man, now grown up still has respect for me.
    These words will be equally repeated to my daughter when she comes of age that this is a possibility in her life.
    I want my children to grow and have a happy healthy life and this does include sexual relationships. I applaud this father for having embraced that for his daughter also.

  25. Love the article. I Can’t help feeling old because I knew what a consigliere was without being told or explained. 🙁

  26. See, this is a continual problem. The comments assume that this father is telling his daughter to have sex TODAY, RIGHT NOW, AND ENJOY IT DAMMIT. Instead, you might read it as, “I want you to have awesome sexual experiences WHEN YOU ARE READY TO HAVE SEX.” There was nothing even remotely implied that he was encouraging her to have sex outside of marriage!
    Really people, does anyone have reading comprehension skills any more? FYI – This is called inference – knowing something without being explicitly told.

  27. Wow, this dad is open-minded.

  28. I actually dated a girl when I was 19 and her father was a schizophrenic who illegally possessed a handgun (he was arrested on domestic violence charges for beating his wife). Anyhow, during the time we dated she would often use her dad to intimidate me and control me as we were NOT in a healthy relationship. When we were breaking up her dad actually threatened to kill me. It disturbs me when I see these jokes not only because it oppresses women’s and young girl’s sexuality but also because it sends a message that violence in relationships is ok. Seems to me like if a dad really wanted to protect his daughter he would teach her about STD’S and make sure she gets access to birth control. By the way, the schizophrenic dad ended up committing suicide on Christmas eve of 2010. Every time some one posts this “joke” on Facebook I like to post his obituary along with it.

  29. Uh… can we change “men, women and genderqueers” to “people”? C’mon now.

    • Steve – No, “we” can’t, because “we” didn’t write this, it’s one man’s view and terminology and he’s entitled to it. In his own words, “This is how large and wonderful the world is!” – you have your way of saying things, I have mine and this dad has his. If “we” started deciding amongst ourselves how he should or shouldn’t word his letter, then it would look very different, have no personality and almost certainly fail to make its intended point.

    • I see no problem with the author using proper English. Genderqueer is a catch-all term for gender identities other than man and woman, using the original definition of “queer” to mean out of the norm.

  30. While we all hold our own views, this is an honest piece written from father to daughter. It is more than a lot of us are given. We a brought up in a culture that fears sex. Sex isn’t the enemy, it’s how we use it. I feel a lot of our children need this type of honest confrontation because, quite honestly, many of them grow up in a bubble and when they finally have the chance to get out on their own, a great majority of them go stark-ass crazy, trying to experience something they were never given the honest up-fron approach about. Give them the room they need to fail, and then be there to tell them its ok and its not the end of the world – they can make better choices next time. Don’t be afraid of failure – our kids are humans, just like us. So whether you believe sex should be saved for marriage or not, our kids need more honest approaches like this. They, just like you, grow up to be independant thinkers like yourself. Give them the chances they need to take a leap and experience life while they still have the opportunity to come back to you (their parents) and learn and understand things in a better light. No such better teacher than personal experience. No better place to fall than in the arms of parents who aren’t afraid to let their kids fail at points in life and pick them back up to make wiser decisions for tomorrow.

  31. Honestly I fond a large amount of the comments appear to be negative. This father does not necessarily agree with his daughter going out and having sex. However he understands that if his daughter really wants to he cant really stop her. So instead he plays the supportive dad and educates on what may or may not happen. This is the view that most people of the U.S.A. should have in regard to sex.

    • As a Canadian I find the USA still has one foot in the puritan roots of old. Canada has needle exchanges, places to go for condoms, and safe sex tips. We are open, honest and realistic, we don’t say run out and bang the hockey team, but we know the hormones are real, the affection is real, half of married couples who cheat can’t control themselves AFTER marriage, so asking a 16 year old to seems ridiculous. Canada has lots of guns, but we don’t shoot each other, we are open about sex, we have low teen pregnancy (and think of those cold nights!) Step into the 21 century USA.

      • We have more than one foot still in the puritan roots, I’m sorry to say. I am cheering this post and so glad to finally see SOMEONE say something like this amid all the posts about dads and daughters and guns. But I stopped short of posting it on my own FB page because I know too many will take it the wrong way.

        What I would like to say those: I like what some of the people have said above about sex not being sacred. We’ve made it into this “thing” that’s so big when it really doesn’t have to be. Teach your children, boys and girls, to respect themselves and one another. Teach your boys that sex is not something they “take” but something they do. Teach them that their partners should be willing and that there are plenty of good women who will be willing, and that sex is best in a respectful and loving relationship (but of course no one is perfect). Teach your daughters, not even that it’s something they “give” like the author here says (I give him so much credit for trying that I don’t hold this against him) but that it’s something that can and should be enjoyed mutually. Teach them all that if someone doesn’t respect their own personal boundaries or treats sex as a weapon, that person isn’t worthy of their attentions.

        Do NOT teach your daughters that they have some precious gift that their daddies and brothers must protect. They will grow up into women who will need to make their own decisions and they aren’t always going to have someone there to “protect” them, nor will they need it. Stop treating grown women like children. “Failing” to preserve their virginity will not lessen their ability to grow into an amazing woman, whether in a career, as a wife, as a mother, or in whatever path they choose.

        • I was concerned at first about sharing it because of some of my friends’ potential reactions, but you know what? If they react badly, it will start a discussion and maybe open their minds.

      • FoerBarca1899 says:

        Canadians! Bashing the US at every opportunity. Yeah, we know most Canadians are some of the most pleasant people to be around. Then again, it brings nothing of worth to the table to any global discussion of poverty or global warming. Nor can it stand up to tyrants and dictators. Nice? The Dutch were nice too, which is why 2/3rd of their Jewish population were shipped of to their death under the Nazis while the Dutch looked the other way. Nice? Its a place in France, but its nice to live in a country that has balls. Then again, what does an immigrant like me know about niceness?

        • Making a discussion about parenting and sex become a discussion about completely irrelevant things… yeah, how are you NOT perpetuating American stereotypes by doing that?

    • I think you misunderstood the father’s meaning. He wasn’t saying he can’t really stop her so he’ll teach her to be safe and what-not. He was saying that sex is a vital, personal part of the human experience and he shouldn’t be in charge of directing her experiences with sex to begin with. It’s a personal thing for each of us and people should be more hesitant to enforce their ideas of how it “should be” on others, including our own children. Teaching safe sex should be a norm among all parents just because.

  32. Sorry, but the overprotective father thing is aimed at TEENAGERS. I do NOT want my teenage daughter or son to have sex. There is plenty of time for that when they are grown. Then they can have all the awesome sex they want, preferably in a monogamous marriage.

    I had sex before I was married, and it is my biggest regret to the point where I rarely enjoy it now. I’ll encourage my children to wait.

    • Sex before marriage isn’t the culprit- the lack of responsibility is. Rather than blindly telling your kids that “sex before marriage is wrong”, it is better to tell them that sex is not something you “give away blindly” but something that should only be given once one knows the person they’re going out with will treat them well and is trustworthy. Should that point come after marriage then so be it…but, bottom line, your kids need to learn how to identify who’s “worthy to have sex with” rather than putting up barriers blindly.

      • It’s not blindly putting up barriers to wait until you are married. Like you say, you should wait until you know the person will treat you well and you can trust them. Yeah, well I say you don’t know that till you are married. You don’t know if the person wants you or your body until they are willing to commit to you. Waiting until you are married to have sex isn’t about blindly following what someone has told you. It is about realizing how sacred that act is and how much it can hurt if you do it with the wrong person. It is about really trusting the person you are with, which is nearly impossible without marriage. Ever wonder why people who are married have no problem saying it like it is while people who are unmarried struggle to be honest with their boyfriend or girlfriend? Because there isn’t that trust until the commitment has really been made.

        • “It is about realizing how sacred that act is and how much it can hurt if you do it with the wrong person.”

          That’s the problem. There isn’t anything sacred about sex. It’s amazing, pleasurable, overwhelming, and at times heartbreaking. But it’s not sacred. Anyone that has seen a dog have sex with a pillow can tell you that. Yes, dogs are just animals. But guess what, so are we. Having “good, moral married sex” with the lights off, missionary, and only one the first Saturday of the month while trying not to do anything too dirty doesn’t make it any less basic.

          “It is about really trusting the person you are with, which is nearly impossible without marriage.” I don’t know what rock you live under, but I know several married couples that don’t trust each other, and several unmarried ones that do.

          “Ever wonder why people who are married have no problem saying it like it is while people who are unmarried struggle to be honest with their boyfriend or girlfriend?” My husband and I lived together for two years before we married. Our relationship was built on trust from the beginning. I say the opposite. Don’t marry someone if you can’t trust them without some silly ceremony to prove it.

          • I was with my husband for 9 years before we got married. We slept together on our first date. We trusted each other pretty much from get go. Marriage made no difference to our relationship other than the legalities and changing my name.

            • courage the cowardly dog says:

              Caz, you are lucky, your premarital relationship wasn’t challenged by a pregnancy. I wonder what would have happened had it been so challenged.

            • courage the cowardly dog says:

              Caz: Do you really encourage people to sleep with another person on a first date? That is irresponsible as hell. But I suppose if you did get pregnant you could just kill the baby, oops, we don’t want to call it a baby, lets call it something that sounds like it should be kill — lets call it a zygote.

            • Dr.Shell says:

              Unlike the two other replies, I feel differently about what Caz’s comment. Speaking to the gist of this article, I was not brought up with religious shaming about sex, body image, or sexuality, to name only a few, and do not view the original comment as an ‘encouragement’ for others to engage in activity on a first date, merely a statement of personal experience. As for anyone’s birth control methods, or a resulting pregnancy, that is not the subject of the the comment; is really outside the scope of the article for that matter. All of the moralizing and red herrings are simply that: moralizing and red herrings. It makes me wonder about sexual repression in the replies from “courage” to “Caz” the commentor, honestly, given the vehemence and vitriol of those replies. This is only my observation of an interesting exchange, where one individual (gender and sexual orientation unknown) shared their sexual experiences and the replies were surprisingly emotional.

          • Alyssa is on to something. As an acquaintance of mine says, “If you can’t say ‘No’, what does your ‘Yes’ mean?” Sex is a part of making a total gift of yourself to the other person — both in the giving and in the receiving of the other’s gift. Part of the reason virginity is still a topic amongst us humans is that each of us only has one body, and sex is a giving of the most intimate parts of one’s physical and emotional self. Once you give that to someone, you both take part of the other person’s heart with you. If you don’t make the commitment called marriage (and truly commit, take your vows with the intention of fulfilling them, take your marriage seriously), what happens? You’re not free to give yourself completely. Only when you’ve committed to a life together would it make sense to give yourself fully and completely to your spouse. I’m not saying that all married people are 100% trustworthy, nor that marriage turns anyone into a completely faithful husband or wife. But marriage, properly understood, is a commitment to fidelity “until death do us part”– which is the context that most fully allows and calls forth the complete gift of self from each of the spouses. Again, “if you can’t say ‘No,’ what does your ‘Yes’ mean?”

            • What is the typical length of courtship between two virgins who choose to wait for marriage before having sex? I’m guessing it’s much shorter than that of those who have sex while dating as they explore each other in many aspects during their relationship before deciding to marry, or even move on.

            • Jennifer G. says:

              Can not let this one slip past me:

              Sex is a part of making a total gift of yourself
              to the other person – both in the giving
              and receiving of the other’s gift.

              That sounds crazy. One may as well say that one
              gives oneself to a vibrator or to the hand.

              As for the original article, the Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter is a bit of humour – something that is overlooked – and for the record, I do not mind when Dada tells guys to be good to me.

        • Plenty of people marry assholes and still end up heart-broken.

          • But isn’t that the point of trusting before you give sex away blindly? I slept with my ex on our first date ran into that relationship completely blind. It lasted 2 years, in that time he taught me sex was to be taken on command, I did not get to give it and no was not a word. He taught me to repair cars too, since he was always ripping mine to pieces so I wouldn’t go places. He taught me that words hurt and physicals wounds will heal. I left him.

            I was with my current husband 2 years before we married, I gave nothing for the first 3 months. We have now been married 15 years. I can see the difference.

        • In reality as a high school teacher, most kids are going to have sex, before marriage. You can also commit to someone without being married, to think only married couples should have sex is ridiculous. So that means anyone not allowed to marry should never have sex? All I know is I went to Catholic school and it had the highest teen pregnancy in my city, and they pretended sex didn’t exist, teaching kids about condoms, safe sex, and all kinds of fun activities one can engage in without ‘penetration’ is the smart, realistic thing to do. Great article!!

        • Alyssa, you present yourself as an adult, but it seems that you still have a lot of growing up to do. You have to trust yourself, not try to second guess whether someone else “wants your mind or your body.” Do you want to do it? Good – have fun! No? Then SAY NO. They won’t take no for an answer? Get to safety ASAP and report the rape.

          You write about how sex “can hurt you if you do it with the wrong person,” but (unless we are talking about rape) it was a choice YOU made. If it was a mistake, move on for crying out loud! No matter what anyone told you, you are not marked or disgraced by your experiences. Nursing regrets and resentments, and being dramatic – internally or externally – does not make you a well-balanced adult. It is a good demonstration of your immaturity and weakness of character. Whether you are married or not you still need to own your actions, take responsibility for how you feel and be honest with yourself and others.

        • No. I know my girlfriend will treat me well, with kindness and patience and decency, and she knows I will treat her the same way. It’s not about being married (we’re not) it’s about establishing honesty and trust early and willing to give trust in exchange until they betray that trust. Waiting until you’re married isn’t necessary and in fact is extremely unlikely to happen in today’s age. My girlfriend and I waited until we trusted each other and proved that trust several times before we had sex, and it was great. It was awkward and silly, but great because we trusted and respected each other.

          It’s not about marriage, it’s about trust and respect.

      • courage the cowardly dog says:

        And how do you know when you can say a person “trustworthy” enough to have sex with? I’ll tell you how, when they have committed themselves to a monogamous marriage. Anything short of that leaves open the possibility that your assessment of this person’s trustworthiness was wrong and you and the child you bear could be compelled to live with your mistaken character assessment, while the one you thought was trustworthy disappears.

        • Apparently you haven’t heard of divorce, huh? Since the divorce rate is quite close to 1/2 of all marriages (in north America and in the UK), I’m pretty sure marriage isn’t how you are able to tell if someone is trustworthy. Also, many people cheat while married, so again, doesn’t prove trustworthiness. If it takes until marriage for you to know that you can trust someone, you have trust issues. And that’s coming from someone who knows she has trust issues.

        • Anonymous says:

          Have you ever heard of birth control? Sex before marriage does not equal children before marriage. Despite what you may have been told in your abstinence class, it’s very effective. I had sex from ages 18-30 without getting pregnant or STDs. Then I got married and had sex for another 4 years until we decided to have child. Married 10 years now.

    • hey, parents. fun fact. no matter how much you tell your kids not to have sex, masturbate, watch porn, etc, they are going to do it. some don’t, but most do. it’s part of growing up. instead of just saying DON’T HAVE SEX!!!!, tell them how to be safe. people are going to have sex. that’s how life works. safety is better than nothing.

    • You have serious issues. Sex before marriage has nearly ruined sex for you now? Are you kidding me? That is insane. Clearly, you need some sexual therapy. You’ll also just end up perpetuating the same issues onto your children.

      • I agree Britt- maybe the problem is that she doesn’t know or understand her sexual-self. Sex is wonderful, amazing, and doesn’t always have to ‘be special.’ There are a lot of different ways to have sex, and as long as your are safe and feel comfortable I say go for it. Explore it, embrace it! We live in such a backwards society when it comes to sex- we really need to get over it and open up!

    • I think that’s fine, but the point of this article is that you should treat your daughter the same way you should treat your son. If you’re against your kids having sex that’s your right, but too often in today’s society we see fathers encouraging their sons to chase girls and “get some” while the same father will tell his daughter to keep her legs closed and not have sex. It’s okay to have a differing view of sex, but when it bleeds into being sexist we need to recognize that. I think this man is also trying to say that teenage boys are not just sex crazed monsters and shouldn’t be viewed that way by fathers.

    • It sounds like you have a lot of issues that need to be addressed if you can’t enjoy having sex now. I feel like you may have missed the point of this article/letter.

    • blahblahblah says:

      boring. People who don’t have sex until they are a 20 something are doomed to a life of awkward mediocre sex. Let their first experience be awkward while EVERYTHING in their life is awkward.

      • Also wrong. I waited until I was 28. I had opportunities, but I know I wasn’t ready and I’m glad I waited. Once I was ready, I dove in headlong. I may have gotten a late start, but I have awesome, and just as important, ethical sex.

        Good sex is all in judgment and attitude. There are a lot of elements that build off of those, like respect and enthusiasm, for example. A bad or unhealthy attitude can ruin it for you and your partners. There’s no expiration date on your ability to form a good, healthy attitude about sex.

    • you obviously didnt read any of this.

    • You probably rarely enjoy it because you’re repressed.

    • @OP – “I had sex before I was married, and it is my biggest regret to the point where I rarely enjoy it now.”

      Counterpoint: that sucks for you. I had sex before I was married and it was awesome, and I enjoy sex a lot now too. I think you are probably doing something wrong. Have you tried not being a prude?

      • Jay… “Have you tried not being a prude?” – what a dickhead comment! Obviously this woman revealed something really personal that upsets her and whilst her advice is poor that doesn’t mean you are entitled to making comments like that.

    • So YOU don’t want your teenage daughetr to have sex with other teenagers because YOU believe it’s wrong, so you’ll encourage her to BE LIKE YOU instead of an individual. Great parenting there /sarcasm

    • Anonymous says:

      Whoa, you rarely enjoy it now? That shouldn’t happen due to not waiting. If you are in a good relationship, sex should be enjoyable. I’d say you should consider talking to someone.

  33. Thank you! I was starting to think I was the only father who thought like this.

  34. As a 22 year old guy it is refreshing to hear a different viewpoint on this subject. I was a virgin until this past year, and not because of some misplaced sense of “purity”. It simply took me this long to find a relationship that I felt was strong enough to take to a sexual level. I believe intimacy is very important; however, I don’t take it lightly. I told my girlfriend (who is two years older than me) that I was a virgin before I met her, and I was very nervous mention it. I thought she might think less of me for not being experienced. She did not expect that news, but she completely accepted it and was happy I could feel comfortable enough to share that information. She also didn’t care since we both enjoyed ourselves very much.
    To my fellow guys. Do whatever you are comfortable doing. Don’t do whatever you are not comfortable doing. It is as simple as that. Just be smart and enjoy yourself.

  35. JanuaryOrchid says:

    As a female I agree with his post. Kids become sexually active fairly early, and they are going to fumble around awkwardly until they get it right. My parents never talked to me about any of it, they were not supportive, I hid everything. Ended up in some situations I didn’t want to be in and had no one to go to about it. Been in a healthy relationship all through my early 20s but sex still feels wrong to me. I can’t enjoy it. If I had had that support it might have been different. Loving your children despite what your vision for who you think they should be is important.

  36. Ama Butcher says:

    i am the youngest of 6 children. i am the only girl in my family (with the exception of distant cousins.) i am lucky. i am lucky because i was never less then, deserving less, or unworthy because i was born female. i tho my 5 older brothers were more than over protective @ times when i started ‘becoming a woman’ it was from love. NOT to keep me on a shelf as only a pretty doll while they sowed wild oats (because that are our gender roles?)
    my husband doesnt even watch porn…yes really…imagine my shock. however i glory in my sexuality, and he in my freedom of heart and body with him. he is lucky i was raised to not feel ashamed, to be proud and respect myself, all of me, and that includes all that make us human. i was trusted to make decisions for my body, because it was my body, my soul and my heart i was risking. my brothers, father, grand dads…did my husband a favor. thru the freedom to understand my self, educated, safely, support and with My boundaries, he got the woman who was strong enough to deserve him.
    so i commend this article. you are not just raising a pretty little baby girl. you are raising WOMEN.

  37. How about sex is something that is shared between people, instead if the tired old mindset of something that a woman, by the virtue of their grace or whatever, <i<gives?

    Otherwise pretty good, I guess.

    • @FlyingKal

      Bingo, I was thinking the same thing. Afterall, the male in question will be “giving” her something also.

  38. I love this, and I wished my parent would have said these words to be growing up. It would have been a lot of help. I in turn will make sure I tell this to my son and daughter.

  39. Here is a quote from CS Lewis on sex. I’m curious about your thoughts on what he says here. Apart from his Christian ties, what do we think about this view of sex? I’m also curious to hear from women on this article – are you glad that you’ve gone as far as you wanted sexually with previous partners? Would you advise your daughters to do the same?

    “…when He said this He was not expressing a sentiment but stating a fact — just as one is stating a fact when one says that a lock and its key are one mechanism, or that a violin and a bow are one musical instrument. The inventor of the human machine was telling us that its two halves, the male and the female, were made to be combined together in pairs, not simply on the sexual level, but totally combined. The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong I about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again.”

    • I appreciate this article, but I appreciate the sentiment and quote from CS Lewis more. As a woman, yoga teacher, doula, and mother of two, I believe that good sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship, but just that: a part. And yes, it needs to be considered and courageously, honestly explored along with the other parts…sustainable habitat, our relationships with our partner, family, community, our diet, activities, eork…ALL of it must. Be mindfully explored and embraced. And yes, an honest and mutually respectful wxploration can be done in partnership, but not rushed into partnership.

  40. I have a seven year old daughter with my ex wife and she is constantly slut-shaming her for acting sexual, taking off her shoes/pants in public, and making crude gestures at men. This is a big point of contention between her and I, and represents one of the real, serious reasons behind our divorce (besides physical violence, and CHAD). I look forward to my daughter getting sex from men who are nice and have their hygiene situation taken care of BUT that’s probably more than I can hope for.

    The one thing I wonder is what sexuality will be like when she comes of age? It seems things are getting more and more extreme and I can seriously envision a day when it is the norm for young people to regularly kill their lovers during intercourse. Strangulation and “breath-play” are gaining in popularity and several young women I’ve dated wanted me to smother them/put bags on their head. It really is terrifying.Just look at the new Miley Cyrus MTV stunt: what else does that lolling tongue and crossed-eyes represent but a woman who’s been strangled to death by a man? This worries me and kids are seriously into this!

  41. Absolutely beautiful, love your work. May your work continues after to are done. Be well and much gratitude. mlw

  42. I understand what you are trying to say but as a writer you may have conveyed something I don’t.believe. I don’t think your daughter will feel better about herself with a boldsexual Appetite. Most women I know that slept around a lot lose a sense of self. Valuing pleasure over there own personal respect. I never regret the lost sexual encounters as much as the ones I wish I didn’t have. The more casual sex you have, the more of your soul n self you lose.
    My promiscuous friends all preach at 40 to wait .not that sex is bad… But with the wrong person it is empty.I am much more empowered saying no than yes.

    • But I think the message here has more to do with allowing our kids to fend for themselves through this scary world, because if they can’t they’ll never truly be independent…I also think that if you raise your children with a good head on their shoulders, yes they may make a few mistakes, but they won’t go searching for the worst of the worst…they’ll know their own limits…..children of extremely strict parents tend to be the ones who, once free, make so many mistakes and feel shamed because what they went after wasn’t what they thought it was….I think there needs to be boundaries, but not prison gates…..experience in life is very important, but you can experience things moderately if the objective is not to piss off your parents.

    • Yet again this seems to be an argument aimed at shaming women and telling women not to have sex. What about the men? I completely understand if you’re against pre-marital sex in general, but the idea that women should be held to different standards is ridiculous. Perhaps the reason so many of your female friends seem to regret sex is because people like you are shaming them after, whereas the men aren’t being shamed?

  43. chances are that your daughter will have a great sex life with plenty of good looking high men if she wants to.

    I’d be more worried about your son. If he doesnt grow up to be great looking and have everything going for himself, a life a sexual rejection awaits him.

    • Hi Jay
      You write:
      ✺”I’d be more worried about your son. If he doesnt grow up to be great looking and have everything going for himself, a life a sexual rejection awaits him.”✺
      How is that possible ?
      And if this is true,what is your explanation for this phenomena Jay?

    • I would say it would be the opposite. Just look at television. How many shows are there on right now with either and overweight or average looking man married to a beautiful wife? Therefore perpetuating the idea that average looking men still deserve love based on their personalities. Now how many shows are there with overweight or average looking women married to handsome men? Zero. We are constantly sent the message that unattractive men deserve love, but unattractive women don’t. That’s not to say that unattractive people in general aren’t discriminated against, but the idea that unattractive men have it worse than unattractive women is ludicrous. Overall, I’d say it’s pretty equal, if not skewed toward women getting the shorter end of the stick.

  44. “But I think there’s value in getting lost. I think there’s a strength that only comes from fumbling your own way out of the darkness.” Beautiful words.

  45. I loved this piece. Really well written and a great title to entice the reader. I have addressed a similar issue in my latest blog about dating daughters and have made referece to this post… http://drdaddykay.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/only-one-rule-to-dating-my-daughter.html

  46. having sex is not the only thing which a person strive for in the life . there are many important things than sex. But the Americans think that the biggest pleasure in the world is having sex so they glorify sex in the same way they glorify a war.

    • Indeed we do glorify sex! It’s fun and much more civil than degrading women with veils and inequal rights.

      But please… Do tell more about how bad the American view of sex is. We need another laugh.

  47. That is terrible advice.

  48. As a guy, a woman is becomes a poorer relationship prospect for each prior sex partner – the stats on this are pretty conclusive and the stats for men show very little relationship between prior partners and how likely the relationship is to succeed. Men know this and favor women who have had relatively few prior partners. If you want your daughter to have lots of sex at an early age *and* a partner for life then make it your project to get her married by her early 20s. Otherwise, you are setting her up for failure and heartbreak later in life.

    • Riley Lungmus says:

      What?

    • Hi Asher

      I have seen this argument on many Cristian websites, but where is the references to solid recent research about this?

      Yesterday I browsed through different reports about what factors predicts divorce . There are several but I never found recent research about what you tell us here.

      Please help us and give references !

      • Hi iben and Riley,

        Here’s a study published in a peer-reviewed journal that lends some support to some of what Asher is saying. It only looks at women and not men: “Premarital Sex, Premarital Cohabitation, and the Risk of Subsequent Marital Dissolution Among Women” by Jay Teachman in the Journal of Marriage and Family. Here’s the abstract:

        “Using nationally representative data from the 1995 National Survey of Family Growth, I estimate the association between intimate premarital relationships (premarital sex and premarital cohabitation) and subsequent marital dissolution. I extend previous research by considering relationship histories pertaining to both premarital sex and premarital cohabitation. I find that premarital sex or premarital cohabitation that is limited to a woman’s husband is not associated with an elevated risk of marital disruption. However, women who have more than one intimate premarital relationship have an increased risk of marital dissolution. These results suggest that neither premarital sex nor premarital cohabitation by itself indicate either preexisting characteristics or subsequent relationship environments that weaken marriages. Indeed, the findings are consistent with the notion that premarital sex and cohabitation limited to one’s future spouse has become part of the normal courtship process for marriage.”

        http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00444.x/abstract

        • Hi DB
          Thank you. I have already looked at this one. We need one that show us that men can have multiple partners before marriage and it does not influence them at all.

          J. Teachman’s report is of many. This field,reseach about divorce and what predicts divorce is enormous. To pick out the reseach we can trust and believe in among the wealth of reports is hard unless unless you are an professional in this field. So it is often wise to look at reseach published in the most respects scientific journals.

          But if they can come up with good research that show woman with experience of sex before marriage is has a negative imoact on a marrige, but men’s sexual experience has no impact at all, then I want to see a good analalyses to explains WHY this is so.
          And what’s about a persons experience with online hardcore porn?

          Until I see this reseach, my hypotheses is that maybe most men are to insecure sexually and to jealous to cope with the fact that their wife has been intimate with another man.

          Then it is a problems men have about sexuality. Women are not damaged goods after having loved a man, folded her arms around him, slept near him, and make love to him.

          But of course I can think of plenty of hypotheses about women that have pre marital sex with one or more paertener, but most of those characteristically is positive !
          When I browsed through reports about this,I made a cynical,list of characteristics of men that seldom divorce. I wrote down a long list( and it was interserting )but to go out a look for men with this shopping list in my hand is nothing I will never do. I marry for love, I do not look for the man that is least likely to divorce me.

          I have a lot more to say about this,but I stop here.

          • I dont see a problem with a woman having multi partners, but im not the typical jelous male..

            i have had a number of girlfriends over the years, not a bunch but enough, I have also had friends with benefits….

            I have dated girls who had many times the number of sexual partners I have had, and its never bothered me.

            the thing is, unlike most guys I know, I dont feel threatened by that stuff, hell, some of the stuff one of my gf’s knew was…..kickass….

            I dated a stripper for a time she was a great girl(still is infact), I was the ONLY boyfriend allowed in the place…..because before the manager knew we where dating he had noticed I would come in, get a drink(non-alcoholic) and would sit and listen to music and read…

            it never bothered me that she was getting bills stuffed in her gstring or the like….I knew how the women viewed most of the men there…..kinda like an atm that gives money when they shook their ass/tits….

            we met when I was installing some audio gear in the place….she was shocked i didnt care she was a stripper, first for her, either pervs had an image of getting with a stripper, or men being grosed out and assuming she was a hooker….(as far as i know none of the strippers there hooked….)

            honestly, i just didnt care, I will admit, she made so much money it was fun being her bf…she constantly was getting me stuff…and the fact I would sit around hr work and not get all jelous and upset really made her happy.

            only reason we broke up, her mother moved into town and….well the woman is TOXIC, she never did anything positive, always running everybody around her down….

            eventually I couldnt take it and told her if she didnt tell her mother off, i was gonna just disappear, i couldnt watch her mother make her feel like shit anymore(her mother couldnt effect me, i my father was worse then her by 10fold….)

            in the end she took her savings and moved close to a university and went to school, we still talk time to time…

            point is, no woman i have been with was worse for having more experience, other then some of them get a bit gun shy when it comes to thinking guys are cheating….

            but I have been with virgins who had abandonment issues….thankfully rather then break up with them, i was able to introduce them to friends I knew they would get along with…:D

            I have given up looking for love or even a partner, I have become the one whos gunshy, to many under age girls who look 25+ with very good(fool the cops) fake id’s…..just not worth the risk….specially as cops tell you about how common it is to find them in clubs/bars/exct.

    • I’ve had sexual partners in the double digits. I married a virgin man who has very strong standards about sex. But really. Tell me how I destroyed my awesome marriage by having a sex life.

    • Stella Omega says:

      Thank you, Mr. Steinmetz. From the bottom of my sex-loving heart, thank you. I got so tired of people arning me not to put my trust in the wrong people. People would say; “he’s only after one thing.”

      “That’s good,” I would say, “that’s all I’m after, as well.”

      It was remarkable how that simple statement blew right past most people. Girls, society tells us, should be looking for marriage material in every single man, and it would take an atomic bomb to make people think otherwise.

      I was planning on having some happy afternoons and nothing more. And oddly, I did get married– and stayed married for thirty seven years.

      • Unless one is
        A) A lesbian
        B) (Like me) Doesn’t care/doesn’t want to get married
        C) Just enjoys sex sometimes without strings
        Or the other myriad of possibilities of why one wouldn’t do that.

    • Actually, he’s setting her up to live her own life and make her own mistakes. However, if you have a daughter you’re setting her up for a pretty hard life. Here is what your puritanical view of the female sex will cause for YOUR daughter. 1) She will always feel as if her body is somewhat shameful. 2) She will feel as if her body belongs to someone else and therefore she must wait for that person to feel good about her body. 3) She will forever judge other women and hold them to higher sexual standards than men. Do you not see the flaw in your own logic? I have no problem with religious people saying that you shouldn’t have sex at all before marriage. After all, that is what your sacred doctrine says and I respect that. However, when you claim that it’s only women who shouldn’t be having sex you’re not being Christian, you’re being sexist. The bible says NO ONE should be having sex before marriage, not just women. You’re attempting to hold women to a higher standard than men so that your own pride won’t get hurt if your wife has been with other men. If you honestly think a woman is somehow less pure for having let you touch her, maybe you should take a look at your own hands.

  49. As the mother of three girls, I love you for saying this. Because it’s true.. I want my girls to have VERY strong standings on sex and relationship. The only way that we’re ever going to get past the “shaming” part of sex is when our girls take control of their sexual happiness. No matter who it is with. The most important thing is to be ready for it mentally and physically. Know when to say no and know when to say yes. On your terms.

    • As the father of one boy, we need to stop shaming everybody for their sexuality. Its not just girls who cop a beating on this. If a boy is sexually inexperienced he is belittled for being ‘not a real man’ but if he is sexually experienced he is accused of being a ‘user’ or an ‘asshole’ by people (mainly women) who believe that he should subjugate his desires to their fidelity fantasy. No matter which way he goes, someone wants to tell him he is wrong, a sort of male Madonna/whore split.

      As for the whole ‘no sex before marriage, sexual experience will screw up their lives’ crowd – get your own sex life and stop interfering in every body elses’. its none of your damn business what other people do with their bodies.

  50. Love love this article. If I could go back 10 yrs (ok more like 13 yrs…) and give this to my dad I would. I love my dad and we are very close. However, it was really difficult for him when I started dating even though I was legally a consenting adult. My mother had an even more difficult time. To be fair he wasn’t to thrilled when he found my brothers condoms either. His protests came under the guise that my first boyfriend lived too far away (about an hours drive) and I shouldn’t drive to go see him. I knew the real problem was not how far he lived but what we were doing. Eventually that relationship ended but because my parents disapproval I found it difficult to go to them. That was the worst part of the whole situation. Teenagers and young adults need their parents when they fall. Needlessly to say my parents are much more open minded these days. Pretty sure it’s because they want grandkids one way or another!

  51. david william frederick says:

    I just found you guy. I haven’t read this through yet (i’m kind of busy, but I WILL read it, and plenty more) but I don’t know if I need to. I understand EXACTLY what he means just from the title. thanks for having this site, I’LL BE BACK! 😉

  52. WES MACKLIN says:

    If one looks back in history due to lack of todays health standards life spans were shorter. Marriage which I assume included sex was acceptable at ages from about 13. Today in spite of advanced health standards people are dying way to young from many diseases. Having sex at an early age may be their only opportunity to experience this part of life. For this reason especially along with the many others stated in other posts young people properly educated preferably by their parents should be allowed to enjoy this amazing aspect of life, possibly while they can.

  53. Robert Harker says:

    An interesting double standard is mothers talking to sons about birth control and fathers talking to daughters about birth control.

    I sent an article to my daughter about birth control. I sent it because it was a really good article:
    http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/birth-control-pill-really-doing-body.html
    I did not send it because I thought my daughter did not know about birth control. My daughter was weirded out and our visit was strained until I made it clear that I did not want to talk about it and that it was her decision.

    Friends I have mentioned this think it odd that I would share birth control information with my daughter especially since she lives with her mom. But I suspect that if the tables were turned. If it was the mom sharing information with her son living with his dad. Then people would say what a responsible parent she was.

    This is the double standard men live with.

    • Kari Palazzari says:

      Robert – I think this double standard is related to the stereotype of the gun-wielding father that Ferrett dismisses in the article. As far as social norms go, there are very limited roles for fathers to play when it comes to their children’s sexuality, and their daughter’s in particular. You’re supposed to be the gun-totin’ protector and the mother is supposed to be the source of information. So when a father steps out of those norms, like by giving their daughter information or encouragement, it’s seen as strange. I hope that’s changing, and I think there was an article about it on GMP recently, but I can’t find it.

  54. Ok how many females are close to their father? How many would have liked to have been? Honestly he is saying aside from getting the details telling her no or keeping her in the dark is only going to make her want to do it more and at least if he is honest with her she will be more open and honest with him. Lying to your kids only makes them want to lie or hide things from you so it is better to be open and honest and have a good relationship with your kid. Telling your child you own her she is going to grow up thinking she will be owned by a man when she is married. He wants her to be her own independent person and form her own choices and opinions not be a clone of him and his likes or dislikes.

  55. Kari Palazzari says:

    Wading through 850 comments is beyond my capacity today, so I’m probably repeating what someone else already said. My apologies for not pointing back to their wise words.

    The simple fact that this article has generated record page views for GMP – where sex is discussed *all*the*time* – says a lot about our culture’s deep-seated confusion and compulsions about female sexuality and the growing desire to move past them. Allowing women to have pleasure for their own pleasure’s sake is just so outrageous to us that we bend over backwards (if you’re into that sorta thing) to put labels and limits on female pleasure. The idea that men can/should control women’s sexuality is all over the place – from framing women’s sex lives as for-men-only (she’s either your mother, who had sex to have you, or your lover, who has sex to please you, or your daughter, who you have to protect from sex) to the contraception and abortion debates (where men in power get to choose what choices women can make). The simple notion that women’s sex lives are their own is virtually nowhere to be found, let alone encouraged. As Mark Greene’s new piece http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/megasahd-how-about-we-end-the-war-on-sex/ articulates so well: BRAVO! to Ferrett for treating his daughter like the sexual being she is. How refreshing!

    • There is a straw man that most people throw out there, I guess because it is easier than dealing with criticism in its complexity. And it conforms to dominant biases held in society. Half the negative comment era are talking about the proper role between parents and children… To which the sex positive crowd says, ‘you think women are men’s property.’. No. We believe that parents have a duty to teach their kids to live well. Consider an alternate scenario. What if your daughter said, ‘Mom, I’m going to drop out of high school and get married,’ or, ‘Dad, I think I’d like to just keep my job at Pizza Shack, I’m not going to college.’ Every person in here would say, ‘Now, wait a second. Let’s think about what would be good for you….’. Anyone tell their kids not to smoke? To eat sustainable foods? To study? Newsflash. You are trying to control your daughter’s body.

      Nobody tells their kids, I hope you enjoy lots of drugs. Nope, those who know anything, say, Don’t touch meth. Stay away from heroin. Trying pot won’t kill you, but there are things to know about it. Never drive if you are inebriated. Etc. Just good parenting.

      Finally, and this is the most irksome because it is so ugly. ‘Progressive’ people say, over and over again, if you don’t agree with us, then your kids will only lie to you and agree with me. You, of course, wish this were the case…. That somehow the issue of the day will rise up and punish those that disagree with you. It’s no different than a fundamentalist wishing hell on someone while promising to pray for them. And for what? Just because some moderate people in the world don’t equate ‘fucking’ with ‘loving’ and ‘people’ with ‘things to fuck’.

      • Ah, Broadus, I sort of had to laugh, because either my parents did some of the things that you said that no parent would, or I would do them myself.

        Did they encourage us to drop out of high school and get married? No, but just a a few generations earlier, that was neither unheard of nor totally frowned upon. Especially if you had a “good job.”

        Not going to college and keeping the job at Pizza Shack? As a former teacher, I’ve seen way too many kids shoved into college before they were ready, and wasting their parents’ money as a result. So I’m a big believer in taking a year or two off to “find yourself” by working in the “real world” if you don’t know what you want to do. And sometimes that working at the Pizza Shack will be the best push in the direction of college. Besides, no one says that you can’t take a course or two while your slinging pizzas.

        As for the drugs, you’re spot on there. My mother told us back in the 70s, that she knew there were lots of drugs on campus, and that she knew we’d try them, but that we were to stop when they started to affect our grades. They never affected our grades, and we stopped on our own. They taught us moderation in both drinking and smoking (and to be honest, when I didn’t see the mythical pink elephants the first time I got drunk, I felt that I’d been cheated, and decided that it was pointless). I knew from having read the LaGuardia Report in high school that pot was pretty harmless, but that you’d have to be a damned fool to do any of that other stuff (besides, I’m a big needle wimp).

        And that’s the point. I don’t think that Steinmetz is encouraging his daughter to indiscriminately fuck everything that wears pants. I think that that little bit of hyperbole is actually encouraging her to do what she’s going to do, but to do it with the same moderation that most of us try to use when drinking.

        And yet, as long as we’re using the drinking analogy, let’s admit that there are some people out there who say that drinking is evil period. There are people who won’t use mouthwashes that are in an alcohol solution (most of them). And as long as other people have brought religion into this, there are those people who are otherwise biblical literalists who insist that when Jesus turned the water into wine as his first miracle, he really turned it into sparkling grape juice, because of *their* beliefs about how bad alcohol is when it’s *abused*.

        This father isn’t saying get blazing drunk every night. He’s not saying that you should have Wesson Oil parties on a regular basis. Just as my mother encouraged moderation in drug use and didn’t try to pretend that we weren’t going to experiment, he’s not pretending that his daughter isn’t going to have sex, and is hoping that at least it’s awesome.

        At least, that’s *my* read on it.

        • LOVE this, Keith! 🙂 perfect

        • You could be right. He might mean have sex, but tread carefully. Maybe I am letting his own biography cloud my interpretation. And, of course, I could be over interpreting his conflation of people with objects in his closing line. Generally, I would say the whole schtick about a dad sitting on his porch with a shotgun is a dopey joke in that it treats girls like property…. But if there is an offense in this, it’s that people are not objects. On the other hand, I don’t expect people to care much about this. Our is a society that treats everyone like objects…. So I can’t fault folks for abiding by the norm. I mean, if the dad can blog about having hundreds of partners, he cannot exactly say anything different to his daughter. And, all the better if he can wrap it up in jazzy words and a rhetoric of progress. I cannot recall the name, but he reminds me of that pro porn feminist blogger guy who just got canned in California for being polyamorous with his students. People choose to exploit each other all the time…. And then rationalize it. It’s not the biggest deal in the world. But it’s jarring when a middle aged man’s rationalizations are repackaged into some sort of chicken soup for the teenage soul… When any derp at a frat party is going to tell a girl the exact same thing.

      • You are comparing healthy sex to unhealthy drug addiction and unhealthy under achievement. I had sex when I was 14 and I have a 3.8 GPA in college, applying for my masters degree in education, have no criminal background, no drug related problems, and have been in a great polyamorous relationship for 3 years. All because my parents said, “Sex is normal, sweetie. Do what you feel is right because you are a person, too. You are not less than me in any way. Make sure you have a condom, and oh, would you like some other kind of birth control yourself?”

        You can’t say things like, “They are not emotionally ready” without scientific arguments to back up. There is nothing out there that can conclusively label the human brain in stages of growth. I mean I suppose you CAN say it, but you are making a big logical fallacy.

        Sex isn’t a bad thing. You can’t put it in a box with meth and dropping out of school. Any argument that does has no evidence other than biased observational studies. Talk about straw man! Also, the feminist rants are completely off target. He isn’t saying he owns his daughter. He is chiding. He is saying he believes differently than the stereotype. He would probably say the same about his son’s sexuality, but he was referencing an internet meme specifically geared towards fathers protecting daughters.

        Ya’ll need to simmer down and maybe have some sex with an open mind. Sex is what you make it, not what society makes it. It is your preference. It is best when you’re ready, but only YOU can decide that, not your parents and not the government. Telling other people that they can’t have safe sex is like telling them they can’t have exercise, endorphin release, a close friend(s), and the thing their body deeply craves all at once. It’s not like telling people they can’t have meth.

        • Pfff…
          It’s not a straw man to point to the absolute fact that responsible parents routinely make suggestions about which life choices they think their kids ought to make. Treating someone like an ‘adult’ means you trust them enough to tell them what you think without a) controlling their lives, or b) treating them like insufferable wimps who will be psychologically damaged by getting reasonable advice about, maybe, thinking before you act. But, alas, 3.8 students, apparently think the old axiom ‘look before you leap’ is folly. Oh well.

          It is great that you have had a precocious sex life… Such that you can lecture old bisexuals about having an ‘open mind.’. Polyamory is a big word for an old idea. But, you know what, even a monogamous old fart like myself ‘loves’ many people. I just haven’t made the mistake of thinking that love means ‘penetrating’ or being ‘penetrated’. I suppose my own children, parents, coworkers, neighbors, and in-laws thank me for being so ignorant.

  56. Kari Palazzari says:

    Wading through 850 comments is beyond my capacity today, so I’m probably repeating what someone else already said. My apologies for not pointing back to their wise words.

    The simple fact that this article has generated record page views for GMP – where sex is discussed *all*the*time* – says a lot about our culture’s deep-seated confusion and compulsions about female sexuality and the growing desire to move past them. Allowing women to have pleasure for their own pleasure’s sake is just so outrageous to us that we bend over backwards (if you’re into that sorta thing) to put labels and limits on female pleasure. The idea that men can/should control women’s sexuality is all over the place – from framing women’s sex lives as for-men-only (she’s either your mother, who had sex to have you, or your lover, who has sex to please you, or your daughter, who you have to protect from sex) to the contraception and abortion debates (where men in power get to choose what choices women can make). The simple notion that women’s sex lives are their own is virtually nowhere to be found, let alone encouraged. As Mark Greene’s new piece http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/megasahd-how-about-we-end-the-war-on-sex/ articulates so well – BRAVO! to Ferrett for treating his daughter like the sexual being she is. How refreshing!

    • You know the sad thing about this record page view? It is like 10x the normal page views, maybe Lisa can answer what the top 5 articles of all time are but when an article about women and girls is the most popular article on a WEBSITE FOR MEN’S ISSUES I find it pretty damn disgusting as it proves our society cares far more about women’s issues than men’s. It’s pretty disheartening. Not even articles on male rape victimization n other very serious issues get anywhere near this amount of coverage. I’d love to know the gender ratio of who is reading this article….

      • Lisa Hickey says:

        Hey Archy,

        The funny thing is — we do see this as a MEN’S ISSUE. It’s showcasing a progressive dad, it’s breaking the stereotypes that dads aren’t engaged parents and don’t talk to their daughters about deep, meaningful, important issues. Like sex. It’s being a model, for men, about how it can be done well. It never even occurred to me us that it might be seen as a woman’s issue. The reason this is so popular is that it’s showing men in a different light.

        We can’t tell the breakdown of readers by gender, but it seems as if the commenters are 50/50 male vs. female.

        Some of the other most popular ones are The Danger in Demonizing Male Sexuality, Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race, 5 Important Things Women Don’t Know About Men, Raising Boys: Advice for Mom’s, Men Must Be Needed Because We Can’t Be Wanted, Confronting Life.

        • Do you know what the page views were compared to this one? What I meant about men’s issues is about articles on JUST boys n men. There’s already a plethora of female-centric stuff out there, I found this article to still be focused on female sexuality and it is disheartening to see the most popular article being female-centric.

          • Kari Palazzari says:

            Archy – I get what you’re saying. I’m just not sure you can cover Dads&Daughters without talking about girls & women. You know? And it seems like the Dad-Daughter relationship is somewhat unique, regardless of how progressive or “gender neutral” a parent is.

            • I’m not bothered by the article, it’s a good article. Just bothered that it’s the most popular of all time or in the top 5 when the male-only articles get far less attention usually.

  57. I really liked reading this article. It’s true that nobody should feel ashamed for doing something so natural, and fun. However, being careful really is important. Something I always warn my male and female friends for: sex and relationships are something completely different to some. As a 20-year old woman, I hear a lot of female friends complain that they thought having sex with that guy meant they had a relationship, and as it turned out, the guy thought nothing of the sort (and I feel this is where the stereotype of virginity-snatching villains comes from). This, to me, is the big problem with people of my age and younger. Some children never get ANY type of warning or protection and end up with a broken heart, an STD or an unwanted pregnancy, because they expected something much different than what they’ve received.
    I find it’s the duty of the parent to explain EVERYTHING to their kids. Do not tell them that sex is evil, but do not paint the world as a fairy tale either. My parents have never held me back, but they’ve made sure that I would be able to have sex in a safe manner, with realistic expectations and I feel that’s the way to go.

  58. I have always been an advocate for sex-positive discussion and behavior, especially with kids and teens. Our society is still disgustingly Victorian. The reason why these “age of consent” arguments exist is because a few powerful prudes way back when decided that sex is an inappropriate topic, but really it’s the most appropriate thing that we do next to eat, drink, and defecate.

    All of the research studies that support labeling and categorizing the development of the human mind in respect to understanding sex and sex acts are biased and inconclusive. After puberty, the body is ready to procreate, and there is no scientific reason to stifle it. There are religious and other subjective reasons, but nothing truly mathematically objective about “protecting” your child from a sexual relationship.

    Since science is the guide in my life, I see no problem with a 13 year old couple having safe sex if they are in an environment that supports them and helps them understand their relationship. It’s when young people start having sex in a sex-negative environment that problems arise like STD’s and unplanned pregnancies. Look at world statistics on these subjects… the most sex-positive places in the world also have the lowest STD and teen pregnancy rates.

    Age of consent was not a problem in our society before the Victorian era, probably because life spans were shorter and people needed to pop out kids ASAP for a variety of reasons. As time progressed, humanity started to discover that they had other options, like going to school or making a career for themselves before starting a family. In today’s world, there are many priorities that come before procreation, but the urge is still there. How do we find the balance between our primal, healthy urges and our ever-advancing society? This question is why sex education and sex-positive attitudes need to be at a premium for the sake of our children. My children may want to have sex when they are 12 and I am going to advocate for them and help them get protection. The only way they can truly pursue their goals and their other loves in life is if sex becomes a non-issue.

  59. Great article. I can frankly say the best yet I have read. Everyone is so uptight about sex. Especially for girls. News Flash, even if your uptight, have all the right answers, questions, advice, rules and even threats they will have sex when they get the urge and it wont be on your timetable or your rules. Therefore, give them your experience, talk openly about it, let them know the consequences if they act to swiftly, but also let them know the joy and the fullfilment of a great sex life. This father is fantastic and should be the model to all fathers. Life for girls would be so much easier…

  60. Robert Harker says:

    A great message more dads need to hear.

    I was at a party recently talking about my daughter and I said that I thought my daughter was still a virgin. And people teased me with why would she tell me the truth. And when I told them that I thought this because I had never given her a reason not to, they could not believe this.

    I have always wanted my daughters to have boyfriends (or girlfriends in these enlightened times). My ex has not. They live with the ex. I have always encouraged them. I have also talked a few times about falling in love and how wonderful it is. I have never out and out said, go have sex. They would have not liked to hear it. But I have never discouraged sex. My younger daughter turned 18 and we have become closer. As she gets closer to going to college we have talked more. I have told her that I think she will have fun experimenting. I have also told her that I trust her judgment and want her to be happy. I don’t think she will tell me when she has “done the deed”. But I do think she will be willing to tell me about her relationships.

    The changing times. My daughter is heavily into queer (her words) rights. She is going to live in a triple dorm room. I was thinking how hard it will be to get two people out of the room for an evening. Then I realized she has requested a queer friendly floor. So one or both of her dorm mates may be lesbians. Puts the whole separation of the sexes into a whole new light. And it makes me laugh.

  61. Sigh. Where has the Godly morality gone in this world? The depravity and desensitization is mind boggling but prophesied and therefore predictable. Romans 1 is clear about that. My prayer is that this article does not get into the wrong hands of innocent young girls desiring to live a life of morality, grace, respect and godliness. My daughter will know the truth of what an amazing God says about marriage and relationships. She will be ridiculed and shamed by the people of this world, but at least she will be able to stand before God, humbled and blameless. May you rethink your “theory” and find the truth, teach your daughter self-control, self-respect, discernment, faith and morality as God intended it to be.

    • @Dr.B open your mind.

      • It doesn’t strike you as odd that you so easy rather go by what an invisible being is supposed to want than accepting whoever your daughter will turn out to be?

    • Robert Harker says:

      And if you daughter has sex, she will never tell you. If she is confused as to whether or not to have sex, she will never ask you. If she gets pregnant, she will never talk to you about her choice.

      Because you have told her that there is only one choice, abstinence. And any other choice will damm her to hell.

      And girls are very good at hiding what they are doing and what they are feeling.

    • Except not everyone believes in your God. and that’s okay. you live your life but do not tell anyone else what they should or should not do or believe in.

    • Where is the godly morality of the people who claim to be christians that threaten their daughters future boyfriend in order to maintain their daughter’s “sexual purity”? I find it quite disturbing that these 10 rules are often displayed on christian blogs and by christians on social networking websites.

  62. Wow, I’m not sure if I appreciate this mentality or find it a bit too lenient. I have a daughter and I’m not sure at any age below 16 I’d tell her to go out and have awesome sex. With that said, the best sex I ever had was not at all during my teenage years, Pleaaaaase! Those were awkward I don’t have a clue about what my body can do years. That is why I do not believe what this guy is saying is wise despite how entertaining it was to read. Please, the biggest and wisest message to send your daughter by far for them to respect their bodies, take care of them, and be safe with them. You can’t promote that and awesome teenage sex in the same sentence. There is a lot at stake that a teenage girl, or boy put at risk with that sort of reckless abandonment. Sure be young, be wild, be free, but for God Sakes, be careful. This article negates the be careful part entirely. I wonder if he’d be happy about raising his daughters kid if she had one at 15.

    • I feel quite confident that the discussions about safe sex, STDS, pregnancy, etc. are implied- the main point of this article is that the author doesn’t own his daughter’s body, isn’t in a position to make her choices for her, and won’t shame her for being a healthy, sexually interested human being/treat her dates as enemies. He never condones having unprotected sex, or says anything that suggests he wouldn’t, in addition to respecting his daughter’s freedom, give her the tools to make the best possible choices, and, truly, everything in this article makes me think that he’s much more likely than the average, over-protective father to actually tell her what she needs to know. Also, we have no idea how old his daughter is.

    • Yes Grace, I have to agree with you. I lost my virginity at a relatively late age, 20. But by then I was in a stable, safe, caring relationship and it was a very good, pleasurable experience. By must say as a 30 something year old divorcee , I’m having the best sex of my life. It may be because I’m in my “sexual prime” but I think a lot of it comes from having enough experience to know what I what, what I don’t and being super comfortable in my own skin. I also think that even though a 13 or 14 year old may be physically ready for sex, they are not emotionally ready for it and that makes a big difference. For me waiting until I was in my 20’s was the right thing and has shaped my views of sex positively with very little to no hang ups about it. Sometime not being sexually “free” as a teenager is
      more conducive to being so later on as an adult.

  63. Vito Orsini says:

    This article is only refreshing if placed within the proper context
    Of course I want my daughters and my sons to enjoy ALL the benefits of sex but for me and hopefully for them the real question becomes WHEN
    If sex is JUST a physical act to be enjoyed then why any restrictions regardless of age?
    But is sex was designed to be the ultimate manifestation and exchange of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual intimacy between a husband and wife I guess a wedding ceremony first would be nice 🙂

    • Vito, I agree. But there is a small, but pretty loud group of people, who feel that one-on-one commitments are ‘bourgeois’ and essentially blame them for all that’s wrong with society, totally ignorant of the fact that brutal sexual violence is present among apes, dolphins, and the lesser animals. What sets us apart, if anything, is the possibility that we aren’t driven entirely by animal impulses. These people hold the naive view that sexual morality itself is the cause of rape…. And seem oblivious to the fact that they are quite clearly imperfect efforts to prevent abuse. Of course, we’ll never be rid of nature, but we are rational beings, and if we decide, after some calculations, that it is in the best interest of the next generation that we teach them to take care of each other and to learn from our mistakes, it is our right. Children are not, as many people seem to think (especially people without children), an opportunity to validate our own shames and normalize animalistic activity. I understand that people often feel ashamed of their sexual choices. That shame should be minimized. But, if minimizing that shame means teaching children to be promiscuous, emotionally stunted, polyamorous playthings….. Then, well, people who know better have a responsibility to encourage intimacy between couples, stable families, long term commitments, steady support structures, etc. Sex radicals are no different from the Tea Party…. They have no respect for cultural continuity. They are focused like a laser on individuality…. At the expense of society.

    • If driving is just a way to get from point A to point B why place any restrictions on it regardless of age? But if it’s the ultimate manifestation and exchange of becoming an adult physicall mentally emotionally and spiritually…. Oh wait, it’s not. And neither is sex the ultimate culmination of emotional, spiritual physical and mental energy between a husband and wife. Thinking that way a a good way to make people very disappointed in sex and more importantly is a lie and nothing more. Sex doesn’t culminate anything that isn’t already there. It had the meaning that both people place on it which could be a little or a lot or both may not feel it has the same amount. Which can be sad or upsetting but life is full of sad an upsetting moments and not having upsetting moments doesn’t make you a better person, how you handle it when you do is what shows your character. Some people who have sex before marriage regret it, lots of people who didn’t have sex before marriage regret it (like me). I also regret not having studied abroad and that egg sandwich I had this morning. Life isn’t perfect but more importantly following someone else’s idea of what will make it perfect that they got from a book that speaks highly of premarital sex, is not going to make it perfect or even better. Repeating yourself and learning to make choices for yourself and change directions when things aren’t working out is what will make life better.

    • 🙂

  64. Unfortunately, in the real world there are more concrete consequences to poor choices than heartbreak. The reason most fathers are protective of their daughters, it seems to me, is that all too often, it is the daughter that becomes the single parent in the case of unwanted pregnancies. So while the boy gets to carry on with his life, hers is put on hold, AND an additional burden is placed on the girl’s family.

  65. As long as you teach your “of age” offspring how to have sex safely (aka protect themselves against STDs and unwanted pregnancy) then that’s great. However, saying “go have as much sex as you want” without preparing them with potentially life saving – both literally and figuratively – information is just irresponsible.

  66. Richard B Evans says:

    Excuse me but how old is this daughter we are talking about? Hopefully of legal age right? Did I skip it or was age not mentioned? Which makes this a dangerous idea, if only due to an unwanted teen pregnancy. This young women here behind these child style sunglasses appears to be 14. I would continue to encourage parents to have their minor children, including boys, not to have sex until they at least graduate high school and have a life path laid out! I managed to do it!

    • I do agree with Mr. Evans on many areas in that teenage pregnancy is a problem and during the high school years, these ‘young adults’ are not yet mentally mature enough to understand the risk/rewards of sexual intercourse.

      The only area I will be critical is that I do not think the point of this article is to say ‘I hope my daughter goes out there and has some of the raunchies most wild sex of her life.’ But more along the lines of, ‘I am not going to conform to the father/daughter gender roles set by society and say that if my daughter does choose to partake in intercourse than I hope she does so by being mature and using contraceptives.’

  67. Perfect…i wouldn’t change a word.

  68. John Anderson says:

    I avoided reading this article mostly because thinking about it would make a hypocrite of me, but I feel I had to see what the fuss is about. I don’t have any children, but I do know that if I had a daughter, I would want the best for her. That would include having awesome sex, but having grown up with the strict boys want sex and good girls don’t give it to them mentality, I doubt that I would want this thought front and center in my mind and I think I would want to dissuade it. That whole all grandfathers think their daughter’s children were conceived asexually thing.

    It’s just a father trying to protect his daughter and it goes both ways. I read an article where Amanda Seyfried said she didn’t want her father to see her naked (in Lovelace) so she was going to be prepared to cover his eyes. She’s an actress and it’s part of the movie and he’s probably seen her naked when she was a baby, etc., but it’s still weird.

    I think most dads want their daughters to be happy and have the best. They just don’t want to think of her as being sexual at all and I think most daughters are cool with that too.

  69. I appreciate your breath of fresh air letter to your daughter; I have always expressed the similar information to my children whom are now in their late twenties. This was a private chat I had with my daughters and sons once they reach High School; but the mere mention of such a subject to “ADULTS” about how you view your children’s teen & early twenties years and what they should be doing; turns in to immediate attacks from closed minded “back-ass-ward parents” which fail to see how important it is to foster a relationship where they come to you for advice on everything. My daughter comes to me for advice about all her person things you think she would only tell another female friend: When this happens I know i did the right thing as a father. Parenting is not about controlling their lives and building a child with guild ridden personality; it is about being there as they grow through good and bad experiences and you cannot be there if you control them. When your children learn early on you are a back-ass-ward parent for their generation they know not to come to you because you are the wrong person to share this with.

  70. Norman Bonney says:

    Great perspective. I really appreciated this article.

    I say good sex is like scuba diving. Its a wonderful world down there with so much to explore and appreciate. But it can be dangerous emotionally and physically. You need a checklist (emotional trust, birth control etc) and a safety procedure if things go awry (trusted adult, friends to talk with).

    If something doesn’t feel right time to stop and access your situation before you go deeper. Other than that have a great dive!

  71. Daughter from an emotionally repressed family says:

    Thank you for your courageous words!!! Healing tears of gratitude.

  72. Matt Dennis says:

    I think an important point to consider before appraising this guys approach is how old exactly is his daughter? If she’s 18+,or even 17 I could probably agree. However if she is say 14 it’s God awful advice.

    • You’re not looking at the real point of this. Its how fathers in general should be. Its a creative way of saying those “10 rules” are stupid,and how the issue should be seen

      • Matt Dennis says:

        I understand, but being a parent isn’t always that easy. Sometimes you can let them make their own mistakes, but not in every situation. It’s not controlling to set rules and boundaries…it’s good parenting.

        • I will say before I get into this that I am not a parent nor have any intention of being one. I think this is important to keep in mind as you read what I’m about to say. That being said as far as being a parent is concerned from my point of view, that makes a lot of sense. Though I think the issue being taken here is that in our patriarchial society it is expected that fathers should be very protective of their daughter’s bodies. The reason for this is that is just how fathers are supposed to act (Coming from feudal societies and biblical times). It is a role that is bestowed upon fathers and daughters by society.

          However when it comes to a father and son relationship. I would say that most fathers almost encourage their son to have sexual relationships. Now there are obvious exceptions yes, but the point I am trying to make here is that I know several parents who would praise their son for a sexual conquest and never bring anything up to the girl who also took part in coitus while the daughter is bereted and the boy is not the most popular person in that household.

          The way I see it is this. Puberty starts for children around the age of 10-13, but kids that age are still not at the right maturity level to understand the risks and rewards of sexual activity. It isn’t until they reach the ages of 16-18 that the majority of people can truly grasp these concepts. So yes, as a parent I say that you should explain this to their children, but to both boys and girls EQUALLY. Let them know that sex is a part of life and their are consequences to it both physically and emotionally if they are not careful.

          Fathers should not be expected to be this overprotective, if you so much as look at my daughter you will find yourself at the bottom of a lake with no hands and a pair of cement shoes mentality.

          If you believe that your child, whether male or female is mentally mature for sexual activity and know of contraceptives and safe sex alternatives, then yes. I say go ahead and let them enjoy sex just like the rest of the human race. They know the risks both physically and emotionally, that is their problem to deal with just like anyone else.

          But to say that women should be more protective of their virginity and that fathers need to protect their daughters bodies at all cost just seems to be an old method of gender roles that has become outdated as we evolve as a society.

          • John Anderson says:

            @ Tanner

            Fathers have always been more protective in general of their daughters than their sons. I know more fathers who would sign their sons up for football than I know fathers who would high five their sons for having sex. Every dad I know would raise holy hell if their son impregnated a girl. Fathers allow their sons to take more risks period.

          • Tom Brechlin says:

            @Tanner … People who encourage abstinence, does so with both their sons and daughters.

            • Yes, I do understand the point that a lot of families that do encourage abstinence do so for both genders. But to say that every family treats boys and girls equally when it comes to encouraging abstinence is a large generalization.

              From personal experience, I have seen women condemned for sexual activity from parents a lot more often then I see men. (I am speaking of teenagers,not adults of course). There is a built in set of cultural gender roles that our patriarchial society still abides by that says ‘women are the weaker sex, thus they must be protected’ and naturally going by these standards that our society has set, that ‘protection’ needs to come from a ‘man of power’ such as the ‘father’ or the ‘husband’. This is one of the reasons why a father ‘gives away his daughter’ at a wedding ceremony.

              I have seen a father verbaully abuse their daughter when it was learned that they had sexual intercourse and the same father merely telling his younger son ‘You shouldn’t do that’ in a much more calm and rational tone for the exact same offense. Now this is an isolated case, yes. But to the point, I think it is an ‘extreme’ example of how many families see their sexually active offspring.

              Not all families are like the afformentioned example, but when it comes to a house that encourages an abstinence encouraged household, it seems that a daughter breaking this rule receieves more punishment then a male breaking the rule.

          • If my child is 13 and having sex then I damn well hope it’s enjoyable, safe, 100% consenting. If they’re gonna do it I will try to arm them with the info they need and try not to stop them. I’d probably ask them to stick to oral or hands on style sex vs intercourse however until older but I’d much rather know about it, be there for them if they need, and have them do it somewhere safe than to not know, to not be told when they’re worried about pregnancy n whatever, to not know that a boy or a girl went too far with them, etc. I hope they’d wait till they are older but forbidding them will probably just make them more likely to do it in secret.

  73. The author completely miss the point. The original text is not from a father to her daughter. He puts no limits on the girl’s sexuality. The Father only jokes humorously with her partner. It is a man’s thing, as a test to find out if the guy is a real mean or just an asshole. Nowhere in the text says he is forbidding her to have sex.

  74. The best thing I’ve read in a long time. It’s people like you who are needed if this world ever is gonna have some equality.

  75. Hi Leia

    Yes this is confusing.( I have been confused about all this)
    Now I am reading up on it.
    But how can I know if I had a cold soar as a little child, maybe when I was one or two years old?

    To enter a cloister is also a possibility. The last time I visited one, I saw their wonderful garden 🙂

  76. I would like to know why teaching your child to wait til marriage is seen as controlling and demeaning. Boy or girl it is best to wait until marriage to have sex. This doesn’t mean you have to pull out the shotgun every time your daughter goes on a date. Sex is a sacred thing that should be saved for one person and one person only. That isn’t disrespectful towards anyone and teaching your child this is the best way to help your daughter (or son) to protect themselves from STD’s and abuse.

  77. Also, if you do the vise versa in the closing line, he implies that one should find ‘things’ you love to fuck. People are not things. Not a huge thing, I guess…. The bros on campus have held this philosophy for a long time. So, maybe, turnabout is fair play. All objects are created equal.

  78. LOVELY — words from a parent who truly loves his child!

  79. This was fucking beautiful.

  80. Veronica Alleyne says:

    that is awesome, real love is not about control

  81. Wow. Well as I look at all the heat the discussion of this one article has generated, it has occurred to me that what you see in it is a reflection of the views you already have, and maybe not of what he actually said.

    There’s a lot that Steinmetz left out, possibly in the interest of space. Some of us, on one side of the spectrum, assumed that the information left out was information that he didn’t intend to discuss with his daughters. Some of us, on the other side, assumed that he figured that since he had already proven himself to be intelligent and thoughtful, he didn’t need to give us chapter and verse on what else he had told his daughters.

    I’m in the latter group, and I didn’t for a moment think that he was talking about throwing them to the wolves to fend for themselves. I assumed that he had had numerous talks with them about sex, safe sex, respectful sex, the possible consequences of sex, etc. I had assumed that he had provided them with the best tools available to make intelligent decisions…information. The fact that he didn’t do another four paragraphs about that didn’t lead me to believe that he never discussed that with them at all.

    And about morality and religion. As someone stated earlier, just over a hundred years ago it was perfectly *moral* and to own slaves in the United States. In fact, some found it to be biblically defensible. Now pretty much none of us believe that. Morality does change, and it often changes to *include* more people rather than to cast them out.

    But also, some of us here have much too narrow a view of morality, seeming to say that it only comes from the classic western Judaeo-Christian belief system. But what of people in Asia. What of those who practice Asian religions…or more properly speaking, Asian belief systems? Can they not have morals, can they not be moral because they don’t believe in a god the way that we westerners do? I’ve heard many a fundamentalist Christian assume that atheists have no morals because morality comes from religion, and yet I’ve known my share of atheists who were among the most moral people in the world. The simple fact of the matter is that in a world filled with so many religions, using the arguments of one particular religion to make a point that applies to all makes absolutely no sense. Think how hard you would laugh if a practicing Scientologist told you that you were going to whatever their version of Hell is because you didn’t follow their beliefs which you were 99% sure were a crock. Arguments on something like this cannot be made on the basis of a religion that not everyone shares, but instead, must be made from an objective sense of logic which applies to everyone.

    And this brings up another important point. We are not all the same. I have two daughters who are as different as night and day (OK, someone start singing the theme from “The Patty Duke Show”). What stimulates one may not only not stimulate the other, but may cause the other to do something totally different. With that in mind, the advice about sex that worked for you may not work for your neighbor, and vice versa. Maybe waiting until you were married was the best thing for you, and maybe sharing the intimate love of a number of people before getting married at age 32 was the best thing for your neighbor. Maybe you want to marry only a virgin, and maybe I don’t care as long as the person is nice to me. We’re all different.

    I really don’t think that Steinmetz was telling his daughters, hey, you’re 13, go out and wildly screw anything you see. I do think, however, because I’m on *that* side of the continuum, that he was saying that he’s done his best to give them the wisdom he thinks they need. He trusts their judgment, and isn’t going to stand there with the shotgun assuming that every guy is a weasel trying to get into her pants and dump her 24 hours later.

    Besides…where are the mothers with the shotguns protecting their dear sons from the female predators that we know exist?

    Now as for my daughters…I just had this conversation with my sex-obsessed soon to be 11yo this afternoon. She knows that 13 is way too young to start having sex. She said that 25 is about right, and when I asked her why she said 25, her answer was because it was what I had told her.

    I then told her that a lot of things can happen between 13 and 25, and at 16 she might find someone she really likes that she wants to have sex with, but that I wouldn’t suggest it. There’s an awful lot of really good “feeling up” you can do at that age without going all the way.

    I, like Steinmetz, want both of my daughters to have great sex lives. I don’t want them to start at 13, but I don’t want them to die virgins either.

  82. I found the ending of the article a tad creepy.

    • Also the bit about ‘consensual bruises.’. Just ick.

      I mean, Steinmetz does workshops on rough play. I’m sorry, maybe an adult with a troubled childhood might find himself unable to feel full pleasure without violence. But to even appear to suggest that it is a good thing to hit someone during intercourse, even if they beg you, it just seems like maybe it’s good to see a counselor instead…. Of, if you have a cool dad, maybe he can tell you… Don’t let someone tie you up and hit you, it’s degrading to treat someone like a dog. Even if they ask.

      • The lengths some commenters will go to find what they want is incredible. It’s glaringly obvious that he’s talking about life’s metaphorical bruises. Sometimes relationships cause hurt, even when neither party wants or intends it.

        And your assumptions about rough play aren’t accurate. No study has ever been able to link BDSM with poor mental health, and there is some evidence that kinky people actually have better mental health on average than non-kinky people. Unfortunately popular media stigmatizes kinksters, and if they make the news at all, it’s always crazy people who have hurt someone. The problem is that no one knows that the nice couple who brings snacks for the kids’ soccer practices are also serious BDSMers.

        • If you need to be strangled by your loved ones in order to have pleasure, you are ill. I love how we have tried to normalize everything. What’s next? Incest? I read a study claiming it was OK. Doesn’t make it so.

          • StarsinEyes says:

            Broadus. It isn’t about the strangling. And it isn’t about the pain and other things people do when practicing BDSM. The actions, the practices of people of that sort of community are not the basis for the reason why they do it. It’s about the relationship, the amount of trust that needs to be invested and exchanged between both parties to participate in such acts. But to get back on subject, I, too was able to easily tell that by ‘consensual bruises’, the father was talking about it metaphorically.

            Your comparison of BDSM with incest is very poor and doesn’t make a lot of sense, if at any. Incest is frowned upon, to put it lightly because it is impossible to make it work. Health problems result from it when a baby is born, just to name one concern. Our bodies’ chemistry is not meant to bore babies with a parent or other blood-related family member. Who do the people practicing BDSM hurt? No one. It is simply a fantasy that people enjoy. And it is their business. If you don’t like it, that’s great. No one is going to make you do it. But don’t make ignorant comments about a community you don’t understand.

            Regarding the article, I feel that he was spot-on. A previous comment hit the nail on the head; I can guarantee that the father has equipped his daughter with the most powerful life-tool of all, education. While still giving her the freedom of choice that we were all born with.

            • Call me a knuckles dragging trogdolyte…. But I don’t need to strangle my partner in order to deepen our bond of trust. Instead, I just am loyal to her. I suppose if I had a hundred other beautiful people I was in love with, she or I might need some sort of bloodletting to feel ‘loved’ again. But, you know what, I guess I’ll just be content in my delusional little universe of boring intercourse with the banal mother of our depressingly tedious 20 years of happiness.

              • Chainsawhandz says:

                Or… go ahead and continue to make ignorant comments about a community you don’t understand. Nobody has judged your sex life as boring, so why get so defensive?

              • Actually the BDSM community often frowns on strangling. There is absolutely no safe way to engage in that kind of play. Period, it’s always dangerous and includes the risk of death.

                But you obviously like being ignorant, so I’ll just leave you there. Some people find comfort in it, bliss even.

                • Well, I’m glad that you admit that communities have the right to discourage undesirable behavior. I admit that I am shocked… But am heartened to hear that people don’t strangle each other. I’d imagine that most people ought to find Clockwork Orange level kink sufficiently ‘arousing’. I think we agree, in an odd way, communities discourage socially undesirable activities…. Especially when those activities increase the aggregated risk for the society. While sex is a fact of life. If everyone were to double their number of partners, the risk of disease climb exponentially. When people pursue casual sex, the risk of abuse also increases exponentially. And, even if you think licentiousness is acceptable as a matter of policy, I think most parents, most engaged parents, are not so cavalier about their kids getting hurt… I know plenty of people who are into kink… But the hobbyists are something of a new arrival, thanks to laddy mags and smut films, bored frat boys looking for something more exciting than scoring at keggers. There are really dangerous people in the risky sex scene…. They might the minority. But there are people who want to violate taboos… And in a society with few of them, they rush to the extreme edge of things. I know a lot of drug addicts…. And the things these folks have done to get dope… There’s a very sinister edge to the underground sex scene.

      • Casey Jones says:

        Okay, so listen here. DO you know what a hickey is? you know.. when you suck on your/someones skin for awhile, it BRUISES. Bruises are NOT just from being hit, or even violence at all. Bruises are simply Bleeding under the skin or an amount of blood under the skin that causes it to be visible.

        • Sure. Maybe he was talking about hickeys. And maybe he meant ‘sex’ in a metaphorical sense… Like, dear daughter, go out and have intellectual intercourse with as many great minds as you can find.

  83. Hi Tom

    I find the info about genital herpes confusing. It seems to me that it can be transferred even without genital contact .
    Imagine a woman or a man,kisses this man on his thighs . That area sheds the virus on his body because he has has outbreaks all the way down to his knees. The person that kisses can be infected in his or hers mouth with HPV-2.

    And innocent cold soars are HPV-1 ,and can give HPV-2 if the couple have oral sex.
    But how do we get infected with cold soars ? Why do many children have cold soars?

    And today nobody can be cured or healed from this virus. It is scary!

    (Your wife and daughters probably get tested when they have cancer test regularly even if the doctor never tells them about this. If they have regular test for cancer. We do where I live.)

    • Tom Brechlin says:

      Hi Iben, Perhaps they were tested but they didn’t know it. Nonetheless there is a difference between being tested as part of a battery of tests related to a condition or general health screening and specifically being tested for an STD’s.

      A business associate of mine is tested every 6 months because he’s sexually active. Not the kind of life I would be interested in, that’s for sure. And it’s sure not the kind of life I would care for my kids to have to live.

    • @Iben—

      I think there is some confusion here…

      HPV = Human Papilloma Virus (can cause genital warts and cancer of the cervix, anus, and head and neck)

      HSV = Herpes Simplex Virus (can cause cold sores in the mouth and genitalia)

      You can Google to get more info…

  84. Hi Tom

    I find the info about genital herpes confusing. It seems to me that it can be transferred even without genital contact .
    Imagine a woman or a man,kisses this man on his thighs . That area sheds the virus on his body because he has has outbreaks all the way down to his knees. The person that kisses can be infected in his or hers mouth with HPV-2.

    And innocent cold soars are HPV-1 ,and can give HVP-2 if the couple have oral sex.
    But how do we get infected with cold soars ? Why do many children have cold soars?

    And today nobody can be cured or healed from this virus. It is scary!

    (Your wife and daughters probably get tested when they have cancer test regularly even if the doctor never tells them about this. If they have regular test for cancer. We do where I live.)

  85. Everyone has a different level of sexual desire. For some it’s once a day. For others it’s once a month…or once a year. If you don’t have sex until you get married to another virgin, what happens if/when you discover that you are incompatible? My parents were, and them staying together “for the kids” made them and us miserable for the whole time we lived at home. Kids know when a relationship is bad, and they learn not to want to get married at all. I have told all 4 of my kids to be safe and careful, but not celibate before marriage. I’ve been happily-married for almost 30 years, but I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince.

  86. Sex is great and normal. But, the HPV virus is real. Get your child vaccinated. I had cervical pre-cancer at 42.

  87. Thanks for this article. My advice to a daughter would be similar. I would encourage my daughter to be safe – and that includes, the standard, practice safe sex, but also to have sex in a place that’s safe, not in the back seat of someones car, parked in a dark lane, or in a room at a party, or anywhere she feels uncomfortable. More importantly, daughters should have sex that’s safe for her heart. Sex is not love, and it’s perfectly OK to have sex without love, provided you don’t have sex to try an persuade someone to like you more. My daughters will know their worth and their value, if they choose to have sex to satisfy their sexual needs that’s their business, however, a daughter should also know that they are loved by her parents and she doesn’t need to give sexual favors to garner love and attention, because she has enough love from her family until she finds a partner to spend the rest of her life with.

  88. I’m 20 years old and have been brought up in a Christian home that has encouraged me to wait until marriage. My parents had actually been sexually active with each other before they got married. To make a long story short, they’ve encouraged me to not do what they did.

    They’ve never been overbearing about it, so I’ve been able to respect it. I think parents go a little too extreme with the whole, “I’ve got my gun out for any boy who hurts my daughter.”

    That would’ve only scared me if they had acted that way. They did, however, give me the strict rule that I was not allowed to date until I was 16. Thank goodness they made that rule because I was immature before I turned 16. I was dumb after I turned 16, too though. 😀 Parents will set up rules how they see fit, and for the most part, I don’t see a problem with it. So long as they respect their teenagers/children and don’t treat them like they’re going to end up as criminals.

    My dad one time had a heart-to-heart with me, saying, “if you ever just happened to mess around with a guy while you’re in high school and get pregnant, I wouldn’t hate you ever and would help you.”

    That has been one of the best things a dad could say to me. Every person is different. Kids/teenagers will respond differently and need different approaches from each other, but I think the most important thing is to encourage love. Telling your kid that you will never reject them for going outside of your beliefs is like giving them a bag of gold.

    But then again, this is coming from someone who doesn’t view sex as a must-have. It’s just not a top priority for me. (But for some people it is, and that’s just their own prerogative)

    • Wonderfully said Kit! I’m a Christian father of two young girls and I pray to I’m leading them with same respect, guidance and love your parents gave you. Blessings to you!

    • Thank you for your comment, Kit! You seem like a sensible, wise young woman. I wish all parents were as attentive, loving, and caring as yours.

      • My parents have had a lot to go through with their own upbringings. My mother’s parents were scary strict and not as loving as should be. I think my mom and dad both learned from this what not to do. 🙂

        I’m glad to be able to see eye-to-eye. Thanks for the blessings, John!

  89. Scientific breakthrough: Do you all know King Jesus to had been the very first vegan Man to ever walk on this planet earth, how He actually did it and for what reason? To learn about these please read now: The Lord Christ Jesus Was A Vegan and also The Christian Vegan Revised Psalms, both books by Saba. The entire humanity must obey the Biblical God and embrace the Christian Vegan faith and practice in order to be justified of sin. This is a must obey but not optional. God speed.

    But regarding the above article my opinion can be very different from most of you. As far as I can tell all sex and sexual activity is of the devil. Sex is not about appreciation of nature nor the love of others but about the gratification of the false the corrupt senses. So, What I tell all parent is to help keep their kids chaste and celibate for the sake of the lasting Kingdom. Because adults are already sex addicts it does not mean the kids and the youth also must join them.

    • Tisiphone says:

      toooo funny

      • I do believe this lady just won at comments forever! No one can top that. Mr. Steinmetz, take note – you’ve had it all wrong this whole time!

    • Ben Hulme says:

      Hi. I am a Christian and you couldn’t be further from the truth. If you read your Bible you would realise that God created Sex and gifted that to us… but, in the covenant of marriage. I have not always been a Christian (hence, my first child was my flower girl at our wedding), but values that people slander such as ‘no sex before marriage’ I can now see through experience why it was put in place. I was a rather promiscuous young lad that as this gentleman describes as one who was ‘getting out there and finding all things I f#@king loved and vice versa’. I couldn’t agree more that a father should keep an open, communicative and supportive mind to his daughter’s decisions in life to get the most out of everything – but on the topic of sex… I do believe that should be for marriage, for the man that she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with. Why? Well, I believe a little piece of my love was left with each woman I lay with and my wife has now got what is left of my heart. I too, have got what is left of hers and sex truly changes a relationship. So if I am going to protect my daughter, I wouldn’t be putting in a glass cage by imparting ‘no-sex’ values as there is so much more to life than being a sheep and having sex, just because the other kids are.

    • To you, I offer my condolences.

    • so you have never, ever had sex? not even for repoduction purposes?

  90. I raised my three children to understand that morals are not the opposite of sex. Morals have to do with right and wrong–based on the golden rule. Sex is a form of intimacy that has nothing to do with right and wrong, except when the sex act violates the golden rule. If you’re enjoying sex with a consenting, unattached partner, that’s not immoral. If you’re having sex in violation of your marriage contract, that’s immoral. In spite of this teaching, my children did not engage in reckless sex at a young age or get taken advantage of. They made informed decisions about whom to have sex with and were not afraid to discuss their sex life with me.

  91. ***OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM THE FEDERAL MANHOOD COMMISSION***

    Your privileges are hereby revoked on charges of not defending your daughter against STDs, accidental pregnancy, rape, and emotional scarring. Charges are pending regarding your tacit approval of said violations.

    You will turn in your Man Card immediately upon receipt of this notice.

    Thank you for your cooperation.

    • Are women made of glass? Do you think they need the constant protection of a man? It takes a bigger man to let go of his fears. The whole man card thing is BS anyway, a real man is his own man, defined by values from within, not rules from without.

      • John Anderson says:

        @ Dan

        “It takes a bigger man to let go of his fears.”

        Although it’s true that it takes more courage to let go of one’s fears for another, it’s a bit harsh. Both my mom and my brother have told me that when their children were suffering, they were suffering too. They’ve said that they wish it was them instead.

        I agree with the people who say that parents need to prepare their children to become good adults, but I can also feel for the parents. I remember reading an interview with a parent who’s child was killed. She said the worst thing that can happen to a parent is to have to bury a child. Children are supposed to bury their parents.

        My brother has a black belt and benches 380 and my mom still worries about him. A lot of people think that’s silly unless you believe that the worst thing that could happen to a parent is something bad happening to their child.

    • nondescript says:

      Sorry, but the author gave no indication that he wasn’t going to defend his daughter against STDs, accidental pregnancy, rape, or emotional scarring. In fact, I would be willing to bet that the author employed the best defense against any of those things: education.
      Frankly, most sexually related emotional scarring comes from a lack of understanding of sex and an extreme prudishness toward it.
      Until you understand sex, and not just the “insert here” part, you should turn in your man card. Real men don’t try to control women, including their daughters.

    • Okay, Andy, first of all, you aren’t a federal agency. You’re just an asshole. There’s a difference.

      I’m not sure why you think anyone needs a card to prove they are a man. Although if you lost your genitalia in a terrible smelting accident then I apologise for my insensitivity on that point. Perhaps your ‘man card’ is very precious to you.

      Second, your daughter is going to have sex one day, and (I hope) you will not be in the room when it happens. So it is not your job to protect her from those things. It’s hers. It’s your job to equip her to protect herself.

      Threatening her boyfriends doesn’t do that; it does the opposite. It says to both him and her that she’s helpless and he can have his wicked way with her as long as he can get you out of the way first.

    • Seriously? You lose the man card for not teaching your daughter how to defend and protect herself.

    • I do not remember reading this man saying that he has not prepared his daughter for anything she may ornot not encounter while dealing with men or boys. Why do a lot of you assume that she is going to have unprotected sex and end up being abused or diseased? I’m sure if this was a boy people would have different opinions. My mother knew I’d have sex as some point and was as open as possible with me about what to expect and how to protect myself and what I should look for in a partner…It doesnt mean I did anything even though I felt like I had her permission. Not all girls are going to become sluts just because their parents teach them that sexuality is ok. I’m sure this father has done is due diligence in preparing his daughter for what she may or may not need to know to have a healthy and safe relationship whether it be long term or strictly sexual. This does not mean he doesnt love his daughter…It means he loves her enough not to treat her like she doesnt know how to make decisons that I’m sure he has helped prepare her for. Just beacuse she is a girl doesnt mean she doesnt have a brain. She will probably make better decisions about her sex life and life in general than most boys will given the same opportunities.

      • SlightlyGuarded says:

        He didn’t say he didn’t prepare her, but he didn’t say he DID either. He seems to be glamorizing the pleasure and minimizing, if not ignoring, the many possibilities of negative consequences. I would have felt much better if he had mentioned them somewhere in his article. Because some “mistakes” are not easily smoothed over by having a good cry in your daddy’s lap. They are game changers, and no proverbial “bandages” undo the results. The best example is birth control failure, which is highest for women age 15-25, in part because their bodies are at their most fertile. And while condoms do protect against STD’s, who really likes using ’em, anyway? If you remember the “awesome sex” events in your lifetime, they probably did not include a condom. Certainly not for the guys.

    • I don’t need a goddamn “man card.” What, you’re only a man if you’re in a club that *other dipshits* approve of? Sounds like the OPPOSITE of being a real man, if you ask me.

    • Relax guys. It’s a joke. Remember back in the days when people said something just to mess with a person or to elicit a few laughs? That’s what it is.

    • Jared White says:

      Well said. It’s sad how everyone is giving this guy a free pass and that it was reprinted in the Globe and Mail. He wrote some horrible advice and should be called out for it. He blatantly encouraged his daughter to go out there and be promiscuous. Yeah, that’s good advice. Can’t possibly see what could go wrong…oh wait…lots of things. Yes, part of being a man does mean protecting the women in your life. When it comes to protecting your daughter from unwanted pregnancies, STDs (and scores of other potential emotional and physical harm), he fails miserably. I’m not suggesting the way to protect one’s daughter is to intimidate her or her potential boyfriends or to somehow paint sex as bad or dirty (it isn’t). But tell her to “go out and play” and “find the things you like to f*ck” is irresponsible and just plain dumb. Not a very manly thing to do.

    • Disgusting. “Man card” is a horrifying terminology and you fit in with the rest of the men on here who believe that we need to gender idea such as protecting daughters, delegating it as a man’s work. I’m sorry that he didn’t explicitly state the way in which he taught his daughter about sex. I’m sorry that your manhood commission makes your sound like a patriarchal asshole. I recognize that he wrote this daughter to his daughter, but I can tell based on your reaction, that had this been a letter to his son, no “man card” would have been revoked.

  92. Another quick point… sex is all around us in the media these days and there is no way of preventing your children from seeing it, unless you lock them in a box or prevent them from ever going out (if you don’t already own a television/computer). So in that case, why not be honest about it. Don’t deny that you don’t enjoy sex and only do it to procreate, let them know the truth so that they can form their own mature opinion on it.

  93. I definitely learned a lot from this article and reading the comments. Seeing different views how a parent should be. I am not a parent yet but I plan to be one in the future. However, if I have at least one daughter, I would like my daughter to be a full fledged knowledgeable woman.

    Being a daughter, I grew up with a Tiger-Mom and an overbearing dad (until mid teen). Therefore, I feared my parents more than trusting them. I wasn’t able to bring up topics such as, relationships, sex, social society and failure. I was very sheltered and “overprotected” so I wasn’t able to make proper friends due to my retarded selfishness. I trusted the wrong people and lied to the wrong people. These are life decision subjects that require parents to know about their kids and what better way of obtaining this information than having your children trusting their parents enough to tell them without the fear of being punished, judged and/or disowned?

    In a perfect world every parent would want their children to open up to them and tell them everything that is going on, to never lie to them, and to always listen to them, especially with those sensitive subjects. However, that is not the case. I don’t know but to me, I see a deeper meaning in his method of raising his daughter. He is choosing his daughter’s trust over everything. He would rather have his daughter not fear him so she can tell him everything when she hits rock bottom or when she is flying high on cloud 9.

    Being Dad-less during the most important part of my life (mid teen to adult), this would probably be one of the best dad I can ever ask for; one who doesn’t judge me for being a human being, a teenager/young adult who is still learning the curves of life, and being a woman who is supposed to be treated with equal.

    I can see that every parent’s biggest fear is feeling that they have failed as a parent.
    However, it also comes down to every child’s biggest fear is to not feel safe at home, especially if they don’t trust their own parents.

    I think he completely eliminated both of the above with his way of raising his own daughter.

    Thank you for everyone’s point of view and their method of raising their kids; I certainly found my own method and noted for future use.

  94. Well said Ferrett. I’m 27 now but wish my Mum had had the honesty and guts to have ever said this to me. She was liberal in all but we never spoke about sex, she just let me get on with it. Having read this though, I would have grown to love and respect her more than I had. Fresh piece of honesty. It doesn’t matter if your daughter disagrees with you or grows up completely differently to you, it’s honesty that is the key to a successful parent/child relationship.

  95. What a thought provoking article. I appreciate the many viewpoints expressed and the, mostly, civil tone of the conversation. For me the take away is that open ,respectful discourse will result in healthy parent/child relations, whatever each families position in the spectrum of human sexuality.

  96. I wonder if anybody has ever changed their outlook from reading a stranger’s comment… Whatever.

    While you’re arguing, I thought I’d chime in and mention how much this guy sooo looks like Robert Llewellyn.

  97. As much as I can respect the craftsmanship of this article, I am still reminded of how the 21st century is the bane of the good world’s morals. The western modern society will learn soon how important the morals really are…

  98. No rant to be had here, or argument to be made. I really appreciate this article. Thank you for writing it.

  99. I am a single mum in her 40’s with 4 kids – yes they are all from the same dad – because the question is asked. I married in my twenties to their father who was my one and only sexual partner. It turned out that he was abusive from the get go. I married and stayed because of my “Christian” morals. I wonder though if I had been told what was said in the article whether I would have made such decisions, whether I would have given myself the opportunity to find a man who would have been a loving partner and father instead of the brokenness we experience today. The morals talked about by some here are black and white and are all well and good until pain and suffering have to be dealt with head on. To those who have blessed lives I wish you well and hope it continues for you but don’t be dogmatic. The writer of this article expresses love for his daughter and wants the best for her and I so appreciate that and I think she will too. I am smiling writing this because I read of the love he expresses and I think that whatever comes her way, whether goodness or hurt from others, she will grow into a woman assured of herself because she is assured of her father’s love.

  100. I have to agree with you. I’ve been honest with my children since they started puberty. I provided them with condoms to play with. When they asked why, I told them it was so they’d be comfortable around them when they started becoming sexually active. Both my adult children were 18+ before having sex. Most of their friends who had come to me for advice also waited until they were 18+. I would explain to them that just because your body is able to, doesn’t mean your mind and emotions can handle the fallout. Wait until you’re old enough to vote. Being entrusted with information, and empowered to control their own bodies, rather than being forbidden to do something, helped all these kids grow into sex-positive adults. None of them are promiscuous, by the way.

  101. To the people who want to deny their daughters the HPV vaccine as a way of preventing them from screwing wildly in the streets, and who say that the vaccine only gives them license to do so, I say, ‘YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.”

    To the people who say that the vaccine is dangerous, I say that like so many people these days, you obviously don’t understand how vaccines work. Yes there’s always some risk, but the risk of something going wrong from the vaccine is MUCH less than the risk of getting the disease it’s trying to prevent. You’re like the people who focus on the one or two freak accidents where a person was trapped in the burning car by their seatbelts, and not the thousands where the seatbelt prevented them from being projected through the windshield onto the road.

    I can’t believe that you want to use fear as a way of keeping your daughters from having sex. “Since I’m not letting you have the vaccine, don’t have sex, it’ll give you cancer.” Gee, thanks Mom and Dad.

    I grew up at the end of the era where the fears of pregnancy and VD (as we called it in those days) were used to keep people’s pants on. I don’t know how successful it was. I suspect that a lot of people pretended to be abstaining but really weren’t. Nowadays we’re honest enough to admit that it’s happening without giving people a scarlet letter. Anyway, once medical science got rid of those reasons for a while…until AIDS hit us…there was really no good way for many parents of that era to suggest to their kids that they wait until marriage. After all, *they* had also been brought up on fear of the consequences, and nothing else.

    Even religion fails here, because as we met more and more people from different religions and cultures, we started asking questions about why exactly do we believe that God said this is wrong. Why does this religion say one thing while that one says another? Suppose the adherents of a different religion had the guns and weapons and we all grew up believing something different? Is my belief system an accident of what family I was born into? Did someone translate something wrong, or throw their own opinions into the translation?

    Yes, it got harder for parents to impress upon their kids to “be wise” about having sex, but not impossible. They just had to look for deeper reasons besides “you’ll get pregnant or sick,” or “because God says so.” It got harder, but not impossible. And I think that removing the fear, removing the “stick” makes for a much better discussion with your kids. I think that using fear is the lazy person’s way out. It says “I’m not going to give you real information, because you might choose something I don’t want you to do.”

    So what will I tell my daughters? Obviously, 13 is way too young to get started. But remember, only a few generations ago, in certain parts of this country, people were getting married at 16. What changed was the culture. We’re now in a culture where a 16yo is seen as too immature to get married, because there are so many other things you have to do before becoming a functioning adult. But those urges are there as much in the 2013 model 16yo as they were in the 1913 model.

    Do I expect that either of them will wait until they’re married? No. While that may be wonderful for some people, that segment of our society is a minority these days. Perhaps a large minority, but still a minority.

    Instead, like Ferrett, I will teach them to make wise choices, to have as much fun as their mother and I did before we got married, while being just as careful. I will teach them that there’s also an awful lot of fun you can have with a partner this side of “home plate” (to use the old baseball metaphor). This doesn’t mean screwing everything that moves, however. It also means not using someone else.

    It also means that they’re free to decide NOT to have sex if they don’t want to, and that they shouldn’t feel bad about telling someone that.

    But I will not let fear and ignorance be my methods.

  102. I wonder if the comments would be the same if this were titled “Dear Son…”

    What my children decide to do sex-wise is their decision. I hope that they wait until they are adults (over 18) simply because it frees their minds up as kids to focus on other activities. BUT, I would be a huge hypocrite to say that having sex as a young teenager ruins your life. I was young, and I turned out pretty decent by most people’s standards (i.e. married for 16 years to the father of ALL of my children, etc. etc.). I appreciate the author’s decision to say “ENJOY SEX” to his DAUGHTER. This is a rare statement. He doesn’t own his daughter’s sexuality, like so many parents seem to believe a parent should. We don’t own our children IN ANY WAY OR FORM.

  103. Hi Bec

    I am glad to hear you are happy in your marriage.

    But what about the fact that many psychologist tells us( dr.Phil ) that we are not mature enough to choose a spouse until we are 28-30 years old.

    Is it healthy to live celibate from 16 until you are 30 years old?
    Women and men are sexual being, with bodies that develops sexual tension.
    Celibacy for 14 years will for many adults mean serious long lasting sexual tension and can cause anxiety and other problems as well.

    I do not say anybody should have sex just because it is healthy. I am for sex in committed relationships ( at least for those younger than 30 ) but to wait until you are 30 to have sex with an other human being can give rise to health issues.
    This is not my private hypotheses but the view of others more qualified than me.
    Sexual tension is facts.

    • Tom Brechlin says:

      See, this is the problem, so many people are misinformed about things. “Exposure to HPV can happen with any kind of adolescent experimentation that involves genital contact with someone who has HPV—intercourse isn’t necessary. “ NOTE, someone has to have had it to contract it. It doesn’t appear out of thin air.

      On an additional note, How talkative are the parents when it comes to STD’s? Willing to share the real stats? . According to new government health data, cases of common sexually transmitted diseases—including chlamydia and gonorrhea—have continued to increase in the United States. The number of new gonorrhea cases passed 300,000 in 2010, while more than 1.3 million cases of chlamydia were reported.
      “STDs are hidden epidemics of enormous health and economic consequence in the United States,” states the forward to the ‘STD Surveillance 2010‘ report. “They are hidden because many Americans are reluctant to address sexual health in an open way and because of the biologic and social characteristics of these diseases.”

      I have a couple of friends with AIDS, lost a brother who had AIDs ….ya gonna tell your sweet daughter that there are risks and give her some solid guidelines as to how often they should be checked and what they are to do in the event they contracts something?

      All of a sudden the excitement and glamour of sex dissipates when you provide ALL the information as every parent SHOULD.

      But even at that, we will have the invincible teens who know all and say “that will never happen to me ….”

      Ya know what? I’ve never been tested for an STD and neither has my wife, my son, my daughter….. Cool, aint it?

      • Hi Tom
        You can in fact be infected with genital herpes by a VIRGIN ,if the virgin had cold soars(HSV-1)

        ” In fact, HSV-1 is now responsible for up to half of all new cases of genital herpes in developed countries.”……

        Transmission of Oral Herpes. Oral herpes is usually caused by HSV-1. HSV-1 is the most prevalent form of herpes simplex virus, and infection is most likely to occur during preschool years”….

        ..”Risk for Oral Herpes:
        Oral herpes is usually caused by HSV-1. The first infection usually occurs between 6 months and 3 years of age. By adulthood, nearly all people (60 – 90%) have been infected with HSV-1.”

        Source: Herpes simplex | University of Maryland Medical Center http://umm.edu/health/medical/reports/articles/herpes-simplex#ixzz2c56hQhUz
        University of Maryland Medical Center
        Follow us: @UMMC on Twitter | MedCenter on Facebook

      • Yes, exactly! Neither my husband or I ever have to worry about STD’s or AIDs.
        While we were dating, I never had to go on the pill even!

        So many things you don’t need to be concerned about when abstaining!

        There are so many risks when you don’t abstain, but where are the risks when you do abstain?
        Sure, there was sexual tension (which made our relationship all that more exciting, I think!) and it SURE made for the best honeymoon EVER!! And we’ve certainly made up for the lack of sex now! lol
        Neither of us feel like we have missed out because we waited, and I’m actually SO glad to not have the emotional baggage that have multiple sexual partners can create.

        Also, back to the gardasil – I don’t like the risks involved. Gardasil is known to damage a girl’s reproductive organs. The drug companies who make Gardasil are the very same companies who make the IVF drugs. I don’t believe that’s a coincidence. So, in short – my daughters won’t be getting it.

        • (I hope this will not be a double posting)

          Hi bec
          I am glad to hear your love life is fine.
          Since I am not American this concept “abstinence” is unclear to me. May I therefor ask you a question about raising kids to abstinence ? If it embarrasses you,maybe others can inform me.

          Can they hug,kiss and cuddle their boy or girlfriend?
          What can they do ?
          Can they take vacations together,and stay over night?
          Remember we are not only talking of teenagers here, but adults before marriage,so they can be 18-100 years old theoretically .

          If sexual release is forbidden,then what about arousal? Is also arousal to be avoided at all costs?

          Are they educated about contraception and STD?

          And what do you teach your children about attitudes to online hardcore porn?

        • Bec:

          You’re kidding me right? Because the drug companies that make the Gardasil also make IVF drugs, and because Gardasil SOMETIMES causes reproductive problems, it must be part of some sort of evil plan to make women need IVF drugs?

          Are you wearing a tinfoil hat? Do you understand the risk of disease vs the risk of vaccine? Do you think that the people who make seat belts WANT you to drive crazy and wreck your car simply because they also make the replacement auto parts.

          My wife is a nurse. My sister is a statistician. I’m a librarian. And this is one of the most ridiculous…and dangerous…thing I’ve ever heard.

          As I said earlier, you’re like the person who focuses on the one or two freak accidents where the seatbelt kept the person from escaping from the burning car, and not the thousands where the person lived to ride another day because they weren’t projected through the windshield.

          We hear about the freak accidents because they’re FREAKS, not because they’re common.

          If you’ve got a 1 in 10 chance of getting the disease without the vaccine and a 1 in 1000 chance of having bad side effects from the vaccine. The vaccine wins every time.

  104. Wow. It seems like I am a minority here. But I will be sticking to my guns, that’s for sure.

    I am a 30 year old female who has been married for almost 8 years. My husband and I were both virgins when we were married. We were both taught to wait until marriage, and we will be teaching our children the same. The fact is, that having sex out of a fully committed relationship (I believe marriage is the only relationship that is worthy of that description) is irresponsible and reckless. STD’s, unwanted (teenage?) pregnancies, long-term emotional distress. I have watched many of my friends struggle because they had sex with more than one partner. One woman I know got married and they struggled for YEARS (and had a virtually sex-less marriage) because they both had multiple sexual partners beforehand. They even needed counselling. I do NOT want that for my kids.

    Sure, sex IS fun and it is GOOD. I’m not denying that. But there’s a place for it.
    Handing kids a condom and saying “Have fun, kids” is not the right way to go about it. That method does not account for long-term emotional damage.

    Someone in previous comments said they won’t be vaccinating their children with gardisil. I whole-heartedly agree. My children will be taught abstinence and to be faithful, just as I was and my parents were before me.

    So…. I WILL be keeping a gun under my pillow. And the boys that go near my daughter WILL know that I will hunt them down and gut them like a fish if they so much as TOUCH my daughter before she has a ring on her finger!!!

    • Where was the shame coming from, that two people who were both experienced with sexual relationships nearly had their marriage ruined solely because of that fact? Where was the judgement coming from – was the husband depressed that his bride had dared to be touched by other men? Was the woman anxious that she wasn’t going to measure up? Those are deep-seated personal issues and have much more to do with a tragic lack of self-respect than with sex. Was it their families, their community? That has more to do with ignorance and the shaming of healthy human beings than it does with sex. Was it because they had both made horrible decisions with their relationships and were worried about STDs? That has to more to do with not having responsible conversations and wisely picking romantic partners than it does with sex. And all of this has to do more with a lack of education and tolerance and understanding than it does with sex being inherently sinful.

      What is it about marriage that makes you think it’s the only acceptable relationship? Is it that God has blessed it? Is it that there’s paperwork? Is it that breaking those bonds requires shelling out for a lawyer? I’ve been in a number of fully-monogamous relationships, each one springing from both attraction and true respect for my partner, rather than any kind of coercion or hedonism, and there has been no long-term mental distress. I’ve made some missteps and have experienced short-term stress and heartache, but ain’t that life? Each relationship has made me more aware of myself, what I want out of a long-term partner (both sexually and pragmatically), what my own values are, and how to treat others with respect. I learned all this because I wasn’t taught that I absolutely must save myself for marriage, and because I wasn’t shamed into marrying the first person I had sex with or shamed into believing that I was dirty or worth less just because of my previous relationships, all of which I value.

      The fact that you can so casually make graphic and disgusting threats of violence, and treat all boys as the personal enemies of you and your daughter – but that you think sex is the real evil – tells me a great deal about the compassion for others, understanding, and levelheadedness you were not taught by your parents. I am only further convinced that those who teach abstinence as the only answer are also teaching their children that good judgement and empathy for others are things you can wait until marriage to learn.

    • You realize that HPV can simply exist, sex or not? A simple act like putting in a tampon or masturbation can help push the pathogen into the vagina. HPV can be an STD but it can also just *be*. I respect that you have chosen what you did for yourself and your family; if it worked for you and your spouse, surely your exact replica children will be great. Maybe and maybe not. Unfortunately, not all humans respond well to directions (read, control) and go with the flow. Teenagers can be rebellious. If you’re out there threatening to kill young boys because they wanted to have consensual sexual relations with your legally consenting daughter, you are the one that is morally incorrect. You are treating sex as an evil. If your child did not consent to a sexual encounter or was date-raped, that is very different. Consent is not the parent’s choice after the age of 16/17. Abstinence is great, but so is being educated on the reasons to protect yourself AKA sex-ed. It is important to know how to put on a condom or take the Pill because this is real life and these things will come up, unless you are the Duggars. I’m not advocating for teens to go get it on outside of marriage and have tons of babies, but biologically there are things we cannot control. If we have the knowledge to protect ourselves, we are one step ahead and doing fine. When/if your kid has passed the age of 18 and you are still trying to control her sexuality, you need help BIG TIME.

      Here’s my favourite waiting till marriage anecdote. A girl I knew in high school got married at the age of 17. She abstained, her husband did too. 6 months later, he realized that he did not want to be 23 and married to a 17 year old. He was not respectful enough to just simply talk to her about that issue and ask for divorce. That’s when the adultery started and she got herpes because her un-sex-educated sorry excuse for a husband didn’t even know that condoms existed! That right there just kills me. And then he moved back to the UK and only 8 years later was she finally able to get a proper divorce and start over with her new fiancé. Fun times!

      • Hi Alex

        You write:
        ✺”You realize that HPV can simply exist, sex or not? A simple act like putting in a tampon or masturbation can help push the pathogen into the vagina. HPV can be an STD but it can also just *be*”✺

        Lately I have read up on genital herpes( herpes simplex). It is scary!
        A man wrote he had outbreaks all the way down to his knees. This means all the area that is covered by his boxer shorts and the area down to his knees can shed the virus.

        But you write the virus can simply be. Can you explain what you mean.
        I know we can get the virus simply by kissing an other person. even a baby can be infected with a kiss. And most( many) children get cold soars at a young age,and that is this virus(1) So many of us have the virus in our mouth already as children. And we can also transfer it with our fingers.

        But how can this virus ” simply be”. It is not air born. It transfers by skin to skin contact.

        • Tom Brechlin says:

          See, this is the problem, so many people are misinformed about things. “Exposure to HPV can happen with any kind of adolescent experimentation that involves genital contact with someone who has HPV—intercourse isn’t necessary. “ NOTE, someone has to have had it to contract it. It doesn’t appear out of thin air.

          On an additional note, How talkative are the parents when it comes to STD’s? Willing to share the real stats? . According to new government health data, cases of common sexually transmitted diseases—including chlamydia and gonorrhea—have continued to increase in the United States. The number of new gonorrhea cases passed 300,000 in 2010, while more than 1.3 million cases of chlamydia were reported.
          “STDs are hidden epidemics of enormous health and economic consequence in the United States,” states the forward to the ‘STD Surveillance 2010‘ report. “They are hidden because many Americans are reluctant to address sexual health in an open way and because of the biologic and social characteristics of these diseases.”

          I have a couple of friends with AIDS, lost a brother who had AIDs ….ya gonna tell your sweet daughter that there are risks and give her some solid guidelines as to how often they should be checked and what they are to do in the event they contracts something?

          All of a sudden the excitement and glamour of sex dissipates when you provide ALL the information as every parent SHOULD.

          But even at that, we will have the invincible teens who know all and say “that will never happen to me ….”

          Ya know what? I’ve never been tested for an STD and neither has my wife, my son, my daughter….. Cool, aint it?

    • Tom Brechlin says:

      Bec, we may be a minority but we sure as heck are not alone. I’m still waiting to hear from these people about their educating their kids on the realities of sex. Like I said, it sounds all warm and fuzzy “have great sex honey” but loses something when you set the kids down and talk about the stats and what being responsible means. Taking the pill? Make sure you don’t miss one… have to start all over again. Make sure your boyfriend knows how to put a condom on correctly? And what’s a good line for your daughter to use when asking if the dude’s had other sex partners, been tested for STD’s?? Or are they going to be taught to be the “it won’t happen to me” adolescent?

      • Chainsawhandz says:

        Since when does someone need to “start all over” if they miss a day taking a birth control pill? You just double up the next day.

  105. Initially, I found myself tracking easily with what I figured Mr. Steinmetz was trying to say (make your own path, be your own woman, etc etc). Fine and dandy, as far as all that goes. But since this is somewhat dicey subject matter (we ARE talking about teenagers and sex here, after all), I subjected myself to a few subsequent re-reads, and really started thinking about the essence of what he’s communicating here.

    He sets out by propping up a straw man (a-la the “I am the barrier, and I will kill you” bit) which he quickly dispatches, as if the only choices laid before him as a father are picking between cheesy cliche and unobtrusive buddy. He then essentially goes about packaging neglect and ambivalence up as if it were some form of deeply loving, kindly wisdom. But it’s not. He’s not saying anything terribly profound, nor is he saying anything that she can’t hear just as easily from Nickelodeon, or on Facebook, or her half-disinterested teachers, or even parroted by her least intelligent, mid-pubescent friend at school who spends too much time on Tumblr. He SHOULD be offering real wisdom based on his own experience combined with an unshakable desire for his daughter’s well-being and growth. He SHOULD be offering to be a protector. He’s her dad. He literally is one of the only men in her life that will ever (and should ever) have the privilege of laying claim to the title of “Her Protector.” Instead, he seems to cavalierly toss away his right (and duty), in effect saying “figure things out for yourself, kid. I’ll be here when you need a shoulder to cry on, because you’re probably going to royally eff yourself up. A lot. And often.” — the net of all of this being that it seems he’s more interested in being considered his daughter’s pal than he is in actually acting like a father. Rad, bro. It makes for a real sweet, touchy-feely blog post in any event!

    Essentially, I seriously get the impression that he needs to grow up and be a bit more willing to wave the proverbial gun around from time to time. Sexual pleasure notwithstanding. That’s all. ^_^

  106. To all these idiots saying “morals come from people/society and are different for everyone… That’s such a stupid thing to say. Morals come from GOD. What you “believe” doesn’t matter. The point is that one day (whether you believe it or not) you WILL stand before god and give an account of your life. Do you want to say “I did what i believe” (ie: I was a whore/I encouraged my children to be whores, I raped and stole and lied. I was worthless and only concerned with my own pleasure) or do you want to say “I did what you (god) believe” (ie: I followed your rules, lived by your law not mans law, and I did everything for your pleasure, not mine)

    I’m sure the 30 second pleasure of an orgasm after good sex is worth an eternity in hell. I’d rather deny that pleasure until I’m married and have an eternity of pleasure in heaven.

    And ps: if my spouse EVER told my child (at any age) to go out fucking random people and ‘have great sex’ that spouse would be single before they finished speaking those lies in my kids ear. And I would make damn sure they never spoke to or saw my kids again. (Even if that meant taking them away)

    All you godless rejects are the reason this country is falling apart.

    • Hi Zack

      You write.:
      ✺” I’m sure the 30 second pleasure of an orgasm after good sex is worth an eternity in hell. I’d
      rather deny that pleasure until I’m married and have an eternity of pleasure in heaven. And ps: if my spouse EVER told my child (at any age) to go out fucking random people and
      ‘have great sex’ that spouse would be single before they finished speaking those lies in my kids
      ear. “✺

      May I ask what sect you belong to Zack,when you believe God will let you burn in hell for an orgasm before marriage,but you are free to dump your wife the first time you disagree with her and see her as immoral?
      Are this the teaching of Christ,or are you a follower of another region ?

    • This is all hilarious, considering that people who vehemently follow the word of God have been throughout history the ones doing the raping, pillaging, lying, and forcing good women, men and children to become their “whores.”

      Since people who spread your exact message are historically the least trustworthy and the most dangerous people there are, here is a tip you really should keep in mind, lest you be tempted in the future: It is NOT okay to rape, torture or murder those who got their morality from a “different” god from yours, and it is NOT okay to rape, torture or murder those who do things your God tells you are wrong.

    • Do you see what is wrong with your post Zack? Aside from the hypocrisy you demonstrate. You preach about damnation as if that is what Jesus was about, while ignoring the gift that Jesus offered. The most important teaching of Christ was forgiveness of our sins through his sacrifice, and yet you ignore that to tell everyone who had premarital sex that they are going to burn in hell.

      Also, you might want to learn about sexual intercourse and how it works, you don’t have an orgasm after sex, you you an orgasm during sex, sometimes at the end and sometimes throughout if it’s really great for her.

  107. Rules for sex: Be happy, comfortable, healthy, and safe. Always, health, always safety.
    Your own concoction of comfort and joy is up to you. If happiness and comfort means waiting, wait. If comfort means not this guy, but someone else, nbd. If happiness means this girl, that girl, and some other girl too, that’s great, as long as each girl is happy and comfortable. Communication is always key. A parent cannot choose for a teenager, just instill the importance of health and safety, as well as personal happiness.

  108. People, people, people. Can you hear me perched on upon your proverbial high horses… come on down! This families “morals” belong to this family and should not be dictated or criticized by anyone else. I bet all those pointing their fingers are, of course, morally superior. I regress, my point being that- you and your “save it till marriage” speeches may be ‘moral” but 71% of teens have sex before 19… I would assume that your “moral” speech did not work. NOW, morals should be defined by an individual and I assure you that this man’s views have not tarnished your glass houses. Calm down.
    Secondly- MORALS need to CHANGE. to the person that said otherwise perhaps you should review brush up on some history.

    • Tom Brechlin says:

      Lucy….

      You’re assumption is that the 71% represents only kids that were encouraged to save sex until marriage. All if the teens on my unit who either have kids or are expecting kids were never taught abstinence and that includes the one guy who is14 years old and currently on my unit..

  109. kay patterson says:

    this article leaves no room for morals. Morals never change. they never go out of style. each time a person has sex with somebody they give part of their psyche away to that person. too many ppl are spread too thin now a days. that’s why so many are messed up and cant function with sense. no, morals are a far better way to live than this free sexual life style this father promotes. very sad.

    • Grr. It use to be “moral” to own people, for whites to only marry whites, to wait till marriage, for gays not to marry. Morals change as society progresses. People have sex, teens. have. sex. “morals” should be defined by a person and should not be dictated by a others. For this man to say to his daughter to enjoy sex and not feel dirty about it, is liberating. In our society sex is looked down upon and is not “moral” or is “dirty.” Women have a heavy burden when it comes to sex. Women should claim their sexuality. This shouldn’t tarnish your morals because to this family they are defined differently. Keep yours and let them have their own. I hope you can hear me from your High horse, perhaps you should… come on down!

    • We live in a world of materialists. Terms like morality and psyche sound like myths to people today. Instead, people want to calculate their joys and achieve tangible outcomes for clearly delineated goals. And everything is transactional. You give me this and I will give you that. All the while, they’ll insist that they are super happy and that their lives are super pleasurable. But just by the numbers, we know we are more depressed than ever…. Spread too thin, trying to figure out what’s good or not by counting the likes or checking on what’s trending. Every once in a while, you’ll meet someone who likes to think…. Who doesn’t find it a waste of time…. But they are rare. And many of these want to keep a hand in the bland game, so they halfheartedly play along. I’ve been meeting these people all my life, though more lately. It’s reasonable, when you are 20. But a 40 year old who is still running on that hamster wheel is just a domesticated animal and will be buried with all the ceremony of an actual hamster, probably in an actual shoebox…. Because that cage is too small for a person to really live in.

      • Doc Watson says:

        Pardon..

        But how can you both express these ‘hamster wheeling’ folks are ignoring psyche and morality by attempting to find what suits them with those who ‘think’?

        Why would one believe the psyche and moral imperative excludes those who have lovers to sort what they want? What is one giving away when they are trying to find what works for them? Either you imply they should starry eye wait forever for some perfect square to your square hole or you try and find what the bloody hell shape you are that leads to the companion that fits.

        As for your suggestion on how one is buried by their ‘worth’ – you must believe a soul or a persons character is monetary and one must judge them on their worth. Your attempt at defrauding those who do not believe their sexual history is negative points on their history is lamentable.

        The more rare pool of sample you were implying is really the tiny amount of folks willing to indulge your bullshit.

        • There are people explicitly reject any suggestion that there might be a spiritual component to human existence. In my opinion, these people risk falling into a kind of hedonism that becomes more desperate with age. Eventually they are like 60 years old smoking weed and creeping on young people…. I don’t understand where you get the idea that I’m saying people’s worth is monetary. I also don’t know what you about me defrauding anyone. But, I do disagree with the idea that people need to find the right ‘hole’. Sexuality is significant, sure. But it’s place in the life of a full person is vastly overstated. People do much more than have sex, and many of these things are much more reliable indicators of how great they are. Many people I know only have sex once a month or maybe even not at all…. And these older women are, on the whole, much more interesting than the bros who live next door or the dozens of people I have met, male and female, who have propositioned me in these sort of matter of fact ways. I’ve found with my partner… I love her because she isn’t like me. She’s very different, always surprising. I don’t need some special sexual metric to find her fascinating…. it’s better to find pleasure in someone you love. When she was in a car wreck and we did not know the extent of her brain injury and possible spinal damage, it was never a question for me whether or not I would remain faithful to her. If you love someone who gives their life to you… You are loyal to them. But, of course, at that point, her physical charms were significantly diminished…. Much scarring, difficulty communicating, etc. But this is also someone who has given years of her life working with orphans, immigrants… Who lives very simply…. Just to be near someone like that is a privilege. Of course, she has made a very good recovery and has been healthy for years. We have several children together.

  110. I loved this progressive approach- seriously, I have been telling everyone that my boys will get a feminist sex education in my house, in which, awesome sex means equal pleasurable experience. O for an O. haha. Although my boys will be mortified in as tweens, they will thank me later.

  111. “Look I love sex. It’s fun”

    Wow, if my father/mother had ever given me a talk like that I can’t imagine how many messed up decisions I would have made.

    My dad told me the importance of waiting to have sex until I was married. He sat me down and had a heart to heart with me and stressed how absolutely important that decision was. I believed him. My mom and dad were married 40+ years, and were each other’s only partners. I waited to have sex until I was married, as did my now wife of 3 years to me. There is no doubt in my mind, or hers, that we will be married forever. It’s called morals, values… things that go by the wayside now. I’m under 30 and will pass these same morals on to my future children and teach them, through word and example, how to love and value the most important person in my life, my wife. And have the same heart to heart with my children as my father did to me.

    • Just because people don’t have the same beliefs as you does not mean “morals, values” have gone “by the wayside.” And just because you listened, doesn’t mean every person will. I did not wait. I’m very happy I did not wait. And that does not make me immoral or lessen my values. Your values are your own, and they are not dictated to everyone else.

    • time to open up that mind bud. abstinence isnt the answer, education is.

      • My Opinion says:

        Abstinence isn’t the answer, education is. Well abstinence will ensure that education won’t be blocked or interrupted because of unwanted pregnancy!!

        • Mad Hamish says:

          that idea worked so well for the Palins…

          • Douglas Meeks says:

            and of course we always get a troll that wants to throw insulting political comments into any discussion.

        • Oh gosh, because there is no such thing as: condoms, various birth control methods, or abortion.
          If a teenager is sexually active and ends up pregnant, it’s probably because they were too scared to ask their ~precious parents~ to take them to get birth control out of fear, because “sex before marriage is bad and it makes you a horrible person”. Or that they weren’t properly educated (or maybe they were – but that says a lot about the kid) and made a stupid decision.
          I had a friend who got pregnant at a young age because she did not want to ask her parents for birth control (hid it from her father but her mother was aware). On top of that, her mother knew she was active and never thought to take her to get some! Besides the fact that her boyfriend refused to use condoms (which, staying with someone like that is stupid in and of itself).
          When I came out to my parents about being active at a young age, they were upset of course, but they took me to properly protect myself and had been educating me long before. They never made me feel like having sex before marriage lessened my self-worth. They told me that any guy who refuses to also be safe is not someone I should be having sex with because it is not solely my responsibility, but my partners as well. They told me that nothing is 100% and pregnancy can still always happen. They want me to be with someone who respects me fully. I have only ever had two sexual partners; the first was not very respectful and I have learned my lesson. I am now with someone who completely respects me and we are on the same page always. It has been quite some time since I became sexually active, and I have never been pregnant nor have I contracted any sexual diseases because myself and my partner both make sure that we are safe (birth control & using a condom) every time we have sex. It honestly is not very hard.

    • Azarakhsh says:

      yes …. I’m agree with you

    • My husband and I are in our 30’s and also abstained until we were married 8 years ago.
      I also will be promoting abstinence to my children.

    • Really? Because my parents started telling me that when I entered high school. It was never implied that I SHOULD go out and bang everyone in sight, just then when I felt ready, it should be fun and with someone who respects me.

      And I think I’ve grown up just fine, thank you. I have a stronger moral code than most people who sit around policing other people’s lives and parenting methods, ahem.

      • Tisiphone says:

        I think “it should be fun and with someone who respects you” is not always stressed about sexuality. That’s exactly what I want to hear because I had the best times with respectful people. There’s a lot of pressure to not be single, and if we’re not told the obvious, we might forget to be selective. Finding respectful people and knowing when to dump disrespectful ones is not that easy.

    • So because other people don’t believe in the dogma of your imaginary skyman (which was pushed on you in your formative years by someone you trusted with your sane development…whoops) this author is wrong for encouraging his daughter to live her life?

  112. Douglas Meeks says:

    It seems a LOT of people don’t know the difference between a well written article and a wise or truthful one.

    Well as usual I see it a bit differently and have already written several paragraphs about this article on Norah Wilson’s page so i will try to just copy a Cliff’s Notes version (which is still very long) which basically is that I find this is a case of bailing out on being a father IF (and only if) he is talking about his teenage daughter :

    As the father of three daughters I can tell you that the things I would do for my 16 year old daughter are not the same things I would do for my 23 year old daughter so if he is telling that to a teenage daughter then he is an idiot (my 2 cents and many years of hard won wisdom).

    Mr. Steinmetz can give me advice when has worked damn hard to make sure 3 daughters all with their own personalities make it through high school and then to college with enough wisdom from a father who is not so lazy he would let them “get bruised by life” willingly. The best lessons are usually learned by doing it wrong, but sex is a different story since a misstep can result in changing your whole life and crushing your dreams.

    His “enlightened” view is nothing short of failure in his job as a father if he is giving that advice to a teenager.

    When my daughters moved out on their own, I treated them as adults for the most part and did not try to run their lives. If the 18+ years of living with my rules and advice had not taken hold by then it was not going to miraculously happen at that time.

    The law considers sex between 16-17 year old kids as “consensual” so the article needs to clearly define who he is talking to as far as age. I will always be their father but I don’t try to impose rules on my kids when they are adults. Letting teenagers freely experiment with sex is paramount to Russian roulette and I have seen enough lives ruined and dreams destroyed for a few minutes of sex as teenagers. I did make sure they were fully versed in things sexual and not naive but I am not going to send them off with a “Hope you have awesome sex”

    I guess I may be one of those people he laughs at but I spent a lifetime of learning how to NOT do stupid things, I would be remiss if I did not try very hard to pass on that knowledge.

    • I believe he meant “consensual” as in agreeing to have sex. Not age wise.

      • You know… as in the meaning of the word ‘consensual’. Which perhaps Douglas needs to look up.

        The law (in some places) defines 16+ year olds as CAPABLE of consenting to sex. It’s a pretty huge and important difference.

        • Douglas Meeks says:

          and maybe you need to sharpen your communication skills there John, WTF are you talking about?? Maybe your reading skills are what is lacking here since I think I pretty well stated that “law considers sex between 16-17 year old kids as “consensual”” and the definition is exactly “Existing or entered into by mutual consent”.

          My point (since you missed it) is that while they can legally have sex it does not make them wise enough to live with the consequences if they do not take proper precautions and so I was asking exactly what age group was the intended target for this questionable “advice” .

          So now that I know I used my vocabulary correctly (since it bothered you) maybe you can take a minute to let me know clearly WTF you are talking about in your clearly condescending comment?

          • All your ranting and technical swearing prevents me from respecting your opinion. I think you’re the one who needs to get off the condescending vocab tangent.

        • Douglas Meeks says:

          and maybe you need to sharpen your communication skills there John, WTF are you talking about?? Maybe your reading skills are what is lacking here since I think I pretty well stated that “law considers sex between 16-17 year old kids as “consensual”” and the definition is exactly “Existing or entered into by mutual consent”.

          My point (since you missed it) is that while they can legally have sex it does not make them wise enough to live with the consequences if they do not take proper precautions and so I was asking exactly what age group was the intended target for this questionable “advice” .

          So now that I know I used my vocabulary correctly (since it bothered you) maybe you can take a minute to let me know clearly WTF you are talking about in your clearly condescending comment?

    • really? the idea you think you have/had any control of your daughters sex lives ever is some pretty embarrassing ignorance.

    • Some people can raise their kids with such mastery that the kids can actually be fully trusted when they get to their teens. Your defense mechanism post hints at your awareness of this fact, and your awareness of your own failure at excellency at fatherhood.

      • Douglas Meeks says:

        Well in recognition of your lack or reading skills, I did trust mine to act intelligently. I just did NOT encourage them with something as stupid as ““Hope you have awesome sex””

        • If that was the only thing he had ever said to his daughter on the subject, it would be stupid indeed. I don’t know why so many people jump to the completely unrealistic conclusion that that’s the only piece of advice he has ever given, and that he hasn’t, say, taught them good judgement, self-respect, a healthy sense of delayed gratification AND the ability to appreciate a healthy sex life. If you’re capable of writing an article like this, then you are both thoughtful, understanding and brave, and there’s no reason to assume that those characteristics don’t extend to your rearing of children.

          • Douglas Meeks says:

            “why so many people jump to the completely unrealistic conclusion” – because those “unrealistic conclusions” are just a valid as your unsupported assumptions. Part of the point I was making is that I had no idea who the intended audience was for this article. If it was for 18+ daughters then I might agree to some of it but for a 16 year old I found it to be so much enlightened propaganda from a lazy father (that would be a partially supported admittedly biased assumption)

          • Tisiphone says:

            I agree with Douglas Meeks, and I think Mikael shares the intent: to raise you kids well enough you trust them to make their own decisions and ask for help when they need it (except I think kids do overestimate the maturity of themselves and their peers, so I like proactive parents). But I can’t agree with you, Hezaa. I know too many hands-off parents. I actually know someone whose mother just let her daughter do what she wanted, enjoy herself, make her own mistakes, and only much later in life did the mother consider, yea, you should be careful but wasn’t able to elaborate further since it can be an uncomfortable subject to begin with, not to mention self-consciousness that maybe parents haven’t fully learned from their own mistakes yet and are still making them. I think these are very important caveats to this article’s optimism, and I don’t know if another article covers it. The articles I recall covering this point were from other feminist sites, things I wish I learned about sex and scarleteen (sex ed site for teens). If Ferrett Steinmetz is only talking about not shaming kids for their sexuality and not touching the subject of how to advise them along their travels, then Douglas Meeks might be asking more than Ferrett can give in one article, but I agree with those reservations as a daughter who’s not only suffered mistakes but trauma. But I did have some great times, so I’m not against “go have awesome sex!” It’s just that it’s not always awesome.

      • Douglas Meeks says:

        Well in recognition of your lack of reading skills, I did trust mine to act intelligently. I just did NOT encourage them with something as stupid as ““Hope you have awesome sex””

        • Chainsawhandz says:

          Think about what you’re saying and you’ll understand the perspective of this article. Do you actually hope your daughter doesn’t have awesome sex?

          • Douglas Meeks says:

            Think for yourself and don’t buy a well written piece of propaganda. I hope my TEENAGE daughter has no sex but I am also not stupid and I never stalked them to check. After they are on their own their sex life is none of my business but I did not shelter them from life either. the point is that I would NEVER have encouraged them with anything close to “Hope you have awesome sex””

            • Chainsawhandz says:

              The fact that you admit you would need to “stalk” your daughter just to find out about an important component of her life tells me all I need to know. If only you had a relationship that encouraged healthy communication, huh?

              • None of Your Business says:

                That fact that you think he is “admitting” to needing to “stalk” his daughter just to find out about an important component of her life tells us all we need to know about your reading comprehension skills.

                • Chainsawhandz says:

                  “I hope my TEENAGE daughter has no sex but I am also not stupid and I never stalked them to check.”

                  He openly admits that he “hopes” his teenage daughter has no sex, which means he has really no clue what she’s doing in this aspect of her life and clearly can’t talk to her about it. Please elaborate on what you believe I misread in that statement.

                  • Douglas Meeks says:

                    Gee, maybe it was this part “you admit you would need to “stalk” your daughter” , where the hell did you get that out of “I hope my TEENAGE daughter has no sex but I am also not stupid and I NEVER stalked them to check”, yep reading is not your strong suit it would appear. I will type slow so you get it, I NEVER stalked them because I trusted them and realized that if if they had sex I had no real control over it other than the knowledge I had shared with them.

                    • chainsawhandz says:

                      Speaking of typing slowly… I didn’t accuse you of stalking your daughter, and at no point did I believe you stalked her.

                      I’m accusing you of not having any idea what goes on in this area of your daughter’s life and commenting how unfortunate it is that “stalking her” WOULD be the only way to know. You know, as opposed to something simple and non-threatening like ACTUALLY TALKING TO HER.

                      we both know that it would be ridiculous if you had to “stalk” your daughter to learn about her life (which doesn’t stop some parents, by the way)–just the fact that you even mention it (again…slowly… not saying that you are even considering it) tells me that your daughter is not exactly comfortable talking about this part of her life with you.

                      I’m happy that you have trust in her and share your knowledge with her (provided it isn’t simply lectures, threats, shaming, and scary urban legend), but crossing your fingers and “hoping” nothing bad happens is less healthy than an open flow of honest, respectful communication.

                      the author of this article clearly intends to be emotionally available for his daughter every step of the way, and its admirable. do you understand what I’m saying?

    • I’m with you, Douglas! For sure!

    • WFor every young teenage girl who bowed to peer pressure and slept with a horn y selfish adolescent boy who forgot her name the next day….for every insecure young woman in her 20s who staggered from man to man, trying to find love and self esteem, only to be used, lied to and tossed aside…..this article is a crock of shit . No one will protect . my daughter from the date rapists and players of this world until she focuses on being a true. woman who loves herself enough to realise that sex is not just about. consensual pleasure. There’s so much more she needs to hear from me. before I start telling her to run the streets and make lots of mistakes , some of which may change her life forever. Does anyone read the news and see what’s going on in the world?

      • QuantumInc says:

        I agree that young women are vulnerable to young men, who in turn are highly motivated to “take advantage” of as many young women as they can. Current culture practically forces men to “get” sex, and forces women to be sexy, and sexually available even while acknowledging how many men have a “one track mind”.

        Still the line “woman who loves herself enough to realise that sex is not just about. consensual pleasure” makes me suspicious. I’m sorry, but it seems to harken back to the good old days when women used sex as a tool to “catch” a good husband. In both those days and to a lesser extent, currently, sex is treated as a commodity that women give and men seek. Often it is seen as the source of a woman’s worth, and women who give it away freely are worthless.

        Of course now fewer and fewer women value their chastity, which is probably a good thing if they are to develop their minds and hearts into something worthwhile. Of course that means that while the honorable men of yesteryear would have a marriage ring at the ready by age 20, today those honorable men simply focus on making things consensual and pleasurable for the lady.

    • Douglas Meeks says:

      Well it looks like the site is double posting most of my replies and there is no delete function so apologies for the spam.

    • I agree with you view 100 percent Douglass !!

    • It really irks me when people say things like,” you don’t have the exact same life as me so you don’t get it!” So, because he has one daughter (and not 3) who he and his wife raised to respect herself and others, he is unworthy to have an opinion? Getting “bruised by life” can mean various things – it could be a cheating spouse or a project that didn’t get a great mark in school. These things build our character and how we choose to deal with them displays the coping mechanisms our parents are supposed to instil. Mr. S is completely correct – no one will have fun living in a glass cage. You roll with life’s punches and appreciate the good in spite of the bad. His point of view is not just about sex; it’s just a good place to start. He shows that he gives his child credit for his parenting skills. He trusts her judgement.

    • Kerri Connor says:

      The ago of consensual sex depends on the state. My southern states in the US allow sex between 16-17 years, but maybe only 4 or 5 of the 50 states do at most. Most states any party involved must be at least 17.

    • James O'Keefe says:

      You missed the point of the article completely which is that the dynamic of “Father Protector” and “Helpless Daughter” is an antiquated belief system that does nothing to empower women to go out in to the world. Instead it just perpetuates the stereotype that all boys are bad and all girls are helpless without adult male guidance. It teaches them that sex is to be feared, and that they are at a constant risk of violence which in turn puts women in a position of fearing their own sexuality. Steinmetz is bucking that trend by openly wishing a good life for his daughter which includes a happy and healthy exploration of her sexuality. What he does not do is encourage a lack of responsibility on the part of his daughter, and in fact it is clear he is available to elaborate this message further with his daughter should she have any questions. For you to generalize his role as a parent as poor based on one very specific discussion of one topic is misguided and serves no function as an argument. On top of that, by calling him an idiot (and chalking up your support of this assertion to your hard won wisdom), you negate any credibility you might have had in this discussion had you come from an articulate place. So all that leaves for me to take from your message is the following:

      You think your daughters are ill-equipped to do anything without you first telling them how to go about doing it, you do not want them to learn by doing, you want them to learn by following you, a man who writes ad hominem arguments on comment boards, and you hope they continue to live in fear of their own sexuality, which society teaches them is so powerful they are under constant threat of it being violently taken by all men, and it is your duty to stop that from happening.

      That is the precise mentality Steinmetz refuses to perpetuate, all the while telling his daughter he is here to support her as she goes out in to the world. I think his message is refreshing, I think your message is unfortunate.

  113. Tom Fischer says:

    Sooo.. this guy basically has no solid concept of responsible parenting or fatherhood and everyone loves it.. Probably because they don’t either.. Just spiteful, angst ridden people who “suffered” under the thumb of hard ass parents who knew how to lay down some good foundation but threw all of that out the window instead of appreciating and taking in their wisdom. I’m so glad my parents cracked the whip with my sisters and I because if they didn’t, we probably would have gotten into a lot of messy relationships and had to deal with a lot more heartbreak than most. Fathers are supposed to be solid role models and protecting their children, sons or daughters, from letting them dig too deep of a hole to fall into. I’d take a parent who would fight for my healthy and emotional well being over letting my impatient desire to hump anything i think would be a “good time” any day.

    • There’s a bit of a generational rift…. Kids who grew up before the internet and kids who grew up after. Kids these days experience porn, extreme porn, at much younger ages. So, if someone tells them that they can do all that stuff they see without judgement…. Of course they are going to think it’s awesome. The dad, a polyamorist who gives work shops on ‘rough play’, is telling his daughter to go out and get it. Even if it shocks him, he approves of it, if it makes her feel good she should do it. For many people this is music to their ears. And, this isn’t really a new idea in US culture. Middle class white kids have been doing it since the 1950s. Elvis was scary back then. Clockwork Orange used to seem like a shocking film. Cannibal Corpse used to seem perverse. But the line is so much farther beyond that. I’d imagine that half the youngmen today have seen videos of people being maimed or decapitated…. Real human beings. And, of course, I walk down my street at night when the college students are out and they are watching hardcore ppornos on large screen plasma TVs with their blinds open playing beer pong with their girlfriends, with the sound blasting like it’s music. Meanwhile, kids in the neighborhood ride by on bikes to sneak peeks at the free show. Who knows what they watch when the blinds are closed. This dad sounds like Mr. Rogers to half the people commenting. There’s no sense in trying to suggest people live differently. The mainstreamof the culture values short, fleeting relationships…. Lukewarm attachments that can be dissolved when you move for your job…. And an attitude that is pro-consumption. It’s just late phase bourgeois culture. And, if you doubt it, you should just take a pill…. And you’ll feel happy about whatever.

  114. I wish i had a father who pointed guns..rather than say “what do you mean you havent had sex with him yet? is he a jehovas witness or something?”

    I rather needed a “Remember that assholes come in all shapes and sizes. so dont let the appearance fool you.”

  115. Brought me to tears. If every woman had a parent like you, the world would be a much better place.

  116. On Forum:
    Hm. Interesting. So when father fears & shames his daughter, even “proceed with caution, but only when you’re 30!” (Ive heard this from many fathers, including my own) that somehow signifies protection, concern, & love. But I wonder when a father provides guidance to his son (usually begins with a “when I met this one girl in high school…” and ends with “…and then I met your mother 10 years later…so just explore & have fun, don’t worry about settling”) I wonder what people with the previous opinion know what to call that then? You can show love in different ways, and it can still be called support at the end of the day. But when you’re taking one side of the spectrum in approach to men (positive) & a completely opposite one towards women (negative) people I hope will start asking, “maybe there is favoritism here” & “well, why is it different” & “why is one a negative approach, where the other gender isn’t”. My answers? It’s socially engrained sexism that is mostly subconscious. And it’s because women are not given equal opportunity to be respected.

    I get there are biological differences, Im not asking women be equal to men. If you really wanna boil down to to it, communication styles, hormones, etc. is all those differences really are biologically. Yet somehow men & women are segregated by cultures push to exaggerate women’s roles as being beautiful, & men at being powerful. It’s shallow & isn’t true to what actually sets us apart. And again, women get handed a bad card, while men get to be idealized – or at least given the option to strive for it. Given what the real strengths are for both men & women biologically, it seems the stigma socially attached to gender draws from somewhere completely unrelated to what truly sets us all apart. It’s a habit we at some point in the past picked up & can only unlearn by bringing about conscious awareness.

    I will say this however, despite all this – it has gotten tremendously better. We’ve clawed our way out from the asshole of every 1950s oven & onto the set of a Comedy Central show in 2013 (ex. Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey) : this progression is huge for only 50 years. Not even counting the free love 60s that liberated women (although now that I think about it, even better!)

  117. None of Your Business says:

    The jokes about guns aside, the implication that fathers who attempt to protect and teach their daughters as they are maturing are a) treating their daughters like property, and b) are saying the sex is bad or dirty or whatever is laughably simplistic and superficial. These are straw man arguments.

    Secondly, that notion that the only other option (the only one the author presents or seems to be aware of) is to wish them the best and go completely hands-off is ridiculous (and dangerous.)

    There is another option that is better, more correct, more responsible and more loving for your daughter: Explain to your daughter that sex is a lovely, beautiful and wonderful thing. A gift from God in fact. But it is a gift to be enjoyed within the boundaries of a monogamous, committed, life-long relationship (we call this marriage) where God gives enormous freedom to sexual expression and joy.

    This other option does not seem to even be a consideration for the author. For him it is as black and white as: a) treat my daughter as property and make her think sex is bad, or b) wish her well in her sex life whatever her age or maturity or relational situation.

    This is a false choice.

    Many of us love our daughters deeply and want the very best for them. We also realize that what is best is not simply going out and having sex but, rather, waiting to have the sex in the boundaries of marriage and also helping them to realize that sex is not simply about the physical act, but also about the mental, emotional and relational aspects…all of which are weak at best when not experienced within a marriage relationship.

    That was all a fairly long-winded way of saying this blog post was stupid, irresponsible and dangerous advice to any father (or daughter.)

    • There is another option that is better, more correct, more responsible and more loving for your daughter: Explain to your daughter that sex is a lovely, beautiful and wonderful thing. And it is to be experienced on her terms, using the same discretion, respect, caution, and self-reliance that she has been taught, carefully and wisely by her parent or parents, all her life and in all areas of her life. That gift is between her and her partner, and God if she so wishes – that good judgement is hers to command independently of any legal contract, is infinitely more valuable than any legal contract, and does not exist solely by the graces of any legal contract. However, it is immensely useful in entering into such a legal contract with wisdom, certainty and enthusiasm.

      Many of us love our daughters deeply and want the very best for them. We also realize that what is best is not simply going out and having sex but, rather, treating that important decision with the very same good judgement that we have taught them to exercise, on their own, with any other important decision they come to in life.

      That was all a fairly long-winded way of saying that creating a false dichotomy of either A) sex within the legal contract of marriage or B) wanton, thoughtless, and harmful sex is stupid, irresponsible and dangerous advice to give any father (or daughter.)

      • None of Your Business says:

        “And it is to be experienced on her terms, using the same discretion, respect, caution, and self-reliance that she has been taught, carefully and wisely by her parent or parents, all her life and in all areas of her life. ”

        It is unclear how this differs from what I have suggested. Except, perhaps, for the idea of anyone doing things on their *own* terms (apart from what God has told us is best for us) and expecting to avoid negative consequences for such choices.

        “That gift is between her and her partner, and God if she so wishes…”

        I don’t know what this even means. Is the implication here that God is only a party to our decisions of we wish? That’s may be true in that we can ignore God, but false in that there are consequences for doing so.

        “…that good judgement is hers to command independently of any legal contract, is infinitely more valuable than any legal contract, and does not exist solely by the graces of any legal contract. However, it is immensely useful in entering into such a legal contract with wisdom, certainty and enthusiasm.”

        Your focus on a “legal contract” aspect of marriage entirely misses the point. God is the creator…of people and of marriage. As the creator it seems logical that he knows what is best for people (individually and in relationship.) It is when individuals (and society as a whole) have deviated from His counsel that things typically go wrong. I have no doubt that you completely disagree with this, and possibly even the existence of God. That’s fine. We are all entitled to believe what we like. But your ignorant and poorly informed characterization and opinion about “people who follow God” in your previous comments demonstrates suggests a lack of deeper thought on the subject of God and people and the relationship between them.

        “That was all a fairly long-winded way of saying that creating a false dichotomy of either A) sex within the legal contract of marriage or B) wanton, thoughtless, and harmful sex is stupid, irresponsible and dangerous advice to give any father (or daughter.)”

        No it wasn’t. Go back and try again.

        • Whoa. I seriously overestimated you. If I’d only known that you cannot actually have an idea that isn’t related to God or understand that there can be morals and values in the absence of a deity.

          God did not create the institution of marriage and hand it to us. Even in your creation story, he made two people and gave them the world and then got mad when they STOPPED behaving like simple, unthinking animals that were only put there to “be fruitful and multiply.” He got mad when they started experiencing shame.

          He didn’t have them sign a license, he didn’t insist that they only copulate when and how he said they should. There was no input in that realm at all, no lines to read between. God himself did not say word 1 to people about marriage. Not even the Ten Commandments talks about marriage, and it even specifies when you should work and when you should take a break. Not a word about marriage. That was the only direct communication from God that we have supposedly received, and nothing about that supposedly most holy of institutions.

          In any case, it speaks volumes that I tried to suggest that good judgement, empathy and self-reliance were important, and you actually disagreed with me because I didn’t talk about God *enough.*

          • None of Your Business says:

            “I seriously overestimated you.”

            I wish I could find that insulting. But coming from you it’s rather difficult.

            “If I’d only known that you cannot actually have an idea that isn’t related to God or understand that there can be morals and values in the absence of a deity.”

            If only I’d know that you were going to engage in such fallacious thinking, I would have saved my effort.

            “God did not create the institution of marriage and hand it to us.”

            Thanks so much for your opinion.

            “He didn’t have them sign a license”

            There again your focus on this legal contract thing. If you’re going to keep missing the point, I’d say we’re done.

            “he didn’t insist that they only copulate when and how he said they should. There was no input in that realm at all, no lines to read between. God himself did not say word 1 to people about marriage. Not even the Ten Commandments talks about marriage, and it even specifies when you should work and when you should take a break. Not a word about marriage. That was the only direct communication from God that we have supposedly received, and nothing about that supposedly most holy of institutions.”

            Your ignorance on this subject astounds me. Wow.

            “In any case, it speaks volumes that I tried to suggest that good judgement, empathy and self-reliance were important, and you actually disagreed with me because I didn’t talk about God *enough.*”

            What speaks volumes is that this is your interpretation of what I said.

            I guess we’re done.

            • “There again your focus on this legal contract thing. If you’re going to keep missing the point, I’d say we’re done.”

              It’s not an opinion, it’s an observation. Where in the Bible did God speak to us and tell us that we were to get married to each other, and what that ceremony was to look like? When did God create weddings for us? Genesis says that man and woman are to leave their parents and cleave to one another and become one flesh. It implies monogamy, and it implies a committed partnership, but says nothing about marriage. There’s no “til death do us part” or “if your wife is not a virgin, she is to be stoned to death.” The next information we have is from the opinions of men 2000 years ago and what they think God wants, as told through the lens of several translations and innumerable rewritings. So based on our own Western Christian creation story, we’ve got that God wanted us to really be serious about someone before we formed a mating partnership. The details were penned by men. Love, commitment, and respect were the legacy we say God gave us. Marriage is a human ritual.

              What you’re insisting on is that people be married before they have sex, and that anything else is an unacceptable extreme. What I suggest is that regardless of belief system and official trappings like marriage and weddings, it’s most important that people exercise careful thought and mutual respect in their relationships.

              • I’m astonished that you think that the Bible says nothing about marriage. I really don’t have the time to inform your ignorance on this subject.

                That said, I’m not insisting on anything. Everyone is free to do what they want to do. They are not, however, free to pick the consequences.

                It is my opinion also that it is “important that people exercise careful thought and mutual respect in their relationships” your repeating this appears to imply I do not share this opinion. That said, the ultimate respect, as I see and as God appears to also say, would be to keep sexual (among other) intimacy within a marriage relationship. Clearly we disagree on this. That’s fine. One of us is right and one of is wrong.

          • Hi Hezaa

            You have many good comment ,but not when you write this one:
            ✺”Not even the Ten
            Commandments talks about marriage, and it even specifies when you should work
            and when you should take a break. Not a word about marriage. That was the only
            direct communication from God that we have supposedly received,”✺

            You see Hezaa Christians believe there was such a person as Jesus Christ. I think we can call that a direct communication from God . How else can it be decribes?

            But let’s not turn this debate into a religious debate.
            At least I am not interested in that.

  118. Proud Teen Parent says:

    This article desperately confuses me. If she is an adult, then I can see why he would want her to enjoy sex. Why have it otherwise, really. However, I have no idea why anyone would endorse, let alone basically cheer on anyone younger than adulthood having sex. I am proud of the fact that I was 19 when I first had sex, and it was with the man I was married to for 15 years.I have also ever only had sex with 3 people, one being the man I am married to now. I don’t grasp this condoning teenage sex. If you don’t have sex, you can’t get pregnant, and you don’t catch STD’s. I tell the doctor that everytime they try to push Guardasil on my children. Um, no thanks. Abstinence has the same results as a shot that has many bad (sometimes fatal) side affects. My daughters and sons have plenty of time to enjoy sex. I say let them be kids (and yes I have teens) while they can and leave the stress of relationships to later in life. BTW I certainly wouldn’t be condoning sex that wasn’t in a relationship!

    • Concerned Nurse says:

      As a nurse I am concerned about some of these comments. Thinking purely from a health perspective I often offer teen condoms, information on birth control , and even Gardasil. Parents are often angry and confrontational about this and I find it hard to communicate that I am offering because I want to protect their children. Just because a teen has condoms doesn’t mean they are going to use them. But if they were ever in a situation where they were to have sex wouldn’t you like your teen to be protected? In my experience providing condoms to teens is less embarrassing than having them come in for the morning after pill or for counseling and care for an unplanned pregnancy. Teens in my experience also don’t know what to look for if they have contracted an STI and can let things progress far longer than needed and cause permanent damage to their body.
      Let me be clear. I do not think that most teens are ready to have sex from an emotional or maturational standpoint. But since I live in an area where the fasting growing HIV population is girls ages 16-24, I am going to continue to do everything in my power to prevent any long term negative effects from happening.
      For all the parents out their who are outraged because health care workers or other adults talked to their teens about sex, don’t consider it a judgment, or insult, consider that we are trying to protect your teen and make them aware of options and things they need to consider if they do decide to have sex. I would never advise a teen that they should have sex, but I would always help them to keep themselves safe. You wear a seatbelt in a car “just in case” so teens should be prepared “just in case”.

    • For the love of God says:

      ” If you don’t have sex, you can’t get pregnant, and you don’t catch STD’s. I tell the doctor that everytime they try to push Guardasil on my children. ”

      I wonder if one of the doctors you feel so comfortable dismissing has explained to you that HPV is transmitted by skin-to-skin contact, which means that you can get it from plain old fooling-around without ever engaging in sex, which means that even abstinent people can easily contract it. I also wonder if you realize that your most fervent hopes, prayers, and instructions to your children to save sex for later will offer them no protection whatsoever if they decide to do it anyway, which they probably will, and that you’re leaving them at risk, not to mention all their future partners. Get them vaccinated, for Christ’s sake.

  119. As someone with an over-protective-yet-somehow-silent dad (the only thing he EVER said to me about sex was that “the worst thing I could ever do is get pregnant and drop out of school”) and a mother who was sexually abused as a child (and therefore had an extremely unhealthy idea of everything sex-related and basically hated sex)— This open letter is AMAZING. I had no idea that sex was a good thing that happened to people who love each other, and I certainly never thought sex was for me. So, I let a boyfriend sexually abuse me for a while, and I thought it was normal to be horrified and scared, because I thought sex was supposed to be scary. I didn’t know it was a good thing until I met my fiance (whose parents love sex and still have it) but it still is difficult for me to admit that I like sex, or to allow myself to enjoy it, because my gut instinct still says “sex is for bad people and causes bad things.”
    What if I had a healthier idea of sex? I probably would have kicked that ex-boyfriend to the curb the first time he violated my lack of consent. Would I have slept around? Probably not, but if I had… I probably would have enjoyed it!

  120. Someone daughter says:

    Here is some shocking news for all you daddies out there: We fuck boys. We “use” them just as much as they “use” us. We sometimes brag about it to our friends, just as boys sometimes do. And we do it with or without your permission. Because sex is not a bad thing, it’s not shameful or harmful. It’s fun. For both sexes.

  121. This is an interesting piece, and in general I don’t disagree with the concept. However, I find the premise of the thing (that all fathers trying to protect their girls* from aggressive boys are treating them like chattel) insulting.

    I put an asterisk by girls to highlight a key distinction. The author grounds his premise in the first sentence of paragraph four: “Because consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give.” All well and good. But the key word in that sentence is “consensual”.

    One of the recent trends in protecting women’s rights (which I wholly endorse) has been expanding the traditional definition of rape to include any hint of sex being anything but 100% consensual. If she’s had a few drinks, you can’t trust her consent. If she works with you and you can provide any favorable work treatment, you can’t trust her consent. And, of course, if she’s a minor, you are a scumbag paedophile because minors are not mentally capable of giving their consent, no matter how much you tell the court you two love each other.

    Which is where I must, as a responsible parent, draw the line. If society and the law agrees that until she is 18, my daughter is unable of giving her consent to sex, then it is my parental duty… not my “slave master’s” or “property owner’s” duty to protect her from anyone who would abuse her lack of consent and, to use the parlance of today’s society, rape her. How protecting a young woman from being raped can be put in any sort of a bad light is astonishing to me.

    When my daughter is 18, she can do whatever she wants, and I only hope that I have given her enough information and knowledge to make her own wise consensual decisions. But until then, you can’t have it both ways. Either she can consent, or she can not.

    If she can not consent, then while I seek to protect a woman from being raped, do not call me ” a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.”

    • Actually, the legal age of consent (for sex) in most states is 16.

    • chickenandbiscuits says:

      It’s amazing to me that number of comments here that demonstrate the inability of people to read critically, for the purpose of understanding. The author wasn’t suggesting that he hoped his daughter had lots of sex, but that she had meaningful, enjoyable sex…which would obviously be consensual. You don’t need to protect anyone from an act that is rooted in mutual trust and basic respect.

      Please. Read.

  122. I love this. Every bit of it. Women should not be objectified by anyone, especially their fathers. If you treat your daughter like an object, what do you expect others will do? She’ll seek out men who treat her that way because it’s what she’s grown up believing should happen. Ferrett, you don’t treat yours like one. She’s a person apart from her gender and the imagined roles that places on her and that you deal with her so frankly about relationships and sex… she’s going to have a healthy outlook on both. 🙂

  123. Thank you for this. I am at work but still broke down in tears reading your last few lines. I grew up with my parents telling me that all guys want is sex and that it will hurt and be terrible and that you’ll get pregnant and they’ll leave you and you’ll get an STD etc. etc. etc. It took me YEARS to get over that and I still have reservations about displaying sexuality. If there were more Dads like you in the world, it would be a much better place 🙂 *hugs*

  124. I don’t think being a parent is about letting your kids do whatever the hell they want, but more so your duty to guide them to make the right decisions! Locking your child in a tower, so to speak, is a bad idea, as my parents did this and I had a two year craze of drinking and boys. But letting them know you support their stupid, sporadic, and irrational behavior is like telling them all their poor decisions are acceptable. This is false, misleading, and could lead them down the wrong path. Letting them make their own mistakes SOMETIMES is good, but teaching them to not make some mistakes in the first place is way more honorable. I know my children at some point in their life will try drugs, alcohol, and sex, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try and stop them before I think they are ready. A 14 year old girl thinking about sex? Not ready. Can I stop her from doing so? Absolutely not. But will I teach her from a young age that sex is good, but only when you are ready? Absolutely. That that is what being a parent is all about.

  125. Bridget W says:

    -“I refuse to perpetuate, even through the plausible deniability of humor, the idea that the people my daughter is attracted to are my enemy.” Awesome 🙂 I have never been a fan of the “I will threaten and intimidate anyone who might be interested in my daughter” type of jokes, so I love this post. 🙂

  126. I’ve seen Katie told that she is on the wrong blog, that her beliefs have no bearing on this topic, and that she has no right to inject her 2000 year old beliefs. I’ve heard the argument, albeit on another topic that one person’s beliefs should not infringe on another’s rights and I bought into it. It goes both ways. If so many people are “correct” in their views of the world because they are so open minded and witty, why are they soblind that simple, honest fairness. Katie’s beliefs are in fact relevant as many people are deists with dogmas that they try to live by. Not everyone is fortunate to be as learn-ed as the charlatans who can’t cope with different beliefs and I personally thank God for that. Cretins. If the world were as you wished, you would be disappointed in the tyranny you’ve longed for.

  127. Christine says:

    Thank you so much! I wish I had this wise guidance as a teen. Instead I something more along the lines of the type of “protection” you are critiquing – that is, “daughter, men are evil, they all just want to get in your pants. You WILL NOT be alone with them.” Let me tell you, it was daunting to think of ways to explain that I may have wanted this sort of ‘in the pants’ intervention. Not a conversation I felt comfortable trying to start at that age. I understand that fathers trying to protect in this way mean well, but their protection is based on a very stilted and sexist idea of female desires!

  128. I also cried when I read this. Thank you, sir, for recognizing your daughter’s competence and equality. Too often we are “protected” because of the assumption that we cannot, or should not, do it ourselves. Our sexuality, our minds, our abilities are all things we and we alone controle. A father who will always be there to provide support and love as we develop our own strength and independence is a truly special man, indeed.

  129. You do realize that those stories about Dads with shotguns are jokes? Throwing them to the wolves to learn everything the hard way isn’t loving either. It is loving to protect your children and give them guidance. Somewhere in the middle there is a perfect balance that Is often hard to hit.

  130. Katie – is God really the one we want to look to as the authority on this? I mean, he knocked up a married virgin…a little hypocritical, dontcha think? If the Bible is God’s word, then God advocates all kinds of unfair, vengeful, frightening things that are often quite brutal towards women. I really think we can come up with a better source for our morality.

    • Actually, when compared with the ancient near-eastern environment from which they sprung up, Jewish and Christian views on female equality turn out to be incredibly progressive and in fact are probably the historical basis for the good views you hold on gender equality today. I dont want to be unneccesarily rude, but what you’re saying reeks of the Bill Maher sort of pop-anti-religion much more than it reeks of an intellectual, carefully researched contribution.

      • Sure – if you cherry pick from the Bible you can find some good stuff. But there’s also a lot of nasty stuff. And to say that the good views on gender equality has their base in the Bible is giving it too much credit I think.

        • Yes, I mean look at all those progressive non Judeo-Christian countries for proof that the bible hasn’t played a role in gender equality. Oh wait, you mean there are none? Hmm, maybe white western men aren’t the demons you thought they were…

          • Gender equality has arisen despite the Bible, not because of it. There wasn’t any, until societies started becoming more secular and realizing that holding a religion as the highest law of a nation was not the best idea. Where are the most actively progressive countries in terms of gender equality? Scandinavia, largely. Plenty of good Christians who know better than to run their countries off of the Bible. They are also the most tolerant of alternative sexual orientations, and progressive in terms of taxation and social services. You probably don’t like the countries that are the most gender-equal.

      • I seriously call into question that modern day feminism arose from the ideals put forward by the Judeo-Christian culture. If anything, once Christianity become a dominant force in the Western world, human rights, and especially female rights kind of went south. It was called the Dark Age for a reason. Furthermore, I can’t particularly see how Western theisms fostered feminist ideals when they themselves foster the antithesis of feminist ideals (no female priests…?).

        I will definitively say that the culture in the East did not work to foster feminism, but that does not mean in any regard that Western culture did either. If anything, there’s probably a stronger link between feminism and anti-theism (reformation, separation of church and state, the egalitarian ideals put forward by Marx), or most likely, Greco-Roman culture. Honestly, I feel that feminism sprang from the oppression brought on by The Church and represents a return to those Greco-Roman ideals (at least in part).

        • which greco roman ideals are those? the ones where women and children are property that fathers and husbands are free to kill or let live? i mean i’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you mean something like the teeny roots of democracy (that women were never allowed to take part in), which would eventually (millenia later) blossom into a concept of human rights that would finally, much later, be grudgingly extended to women, sort of. but honestly the only women that had it good in greco roman times were the prostitutes, at least they could leave the house unaccompanied. still legal to kill them of course, though.

    • MarkTrail says:

      That God became man through the “Yes” of the Immaculate Virgin Mary should be a source of great inspiration for all of us sinful human beings.

      God did not “knock up” the Virgin Mary. She remained a virgin during the conception of Christ and kept her virginity during and after the birth of Our Savoir. It should be remembered that it was Mary’s choice that gave us all Our Savior, and God rewarded her, and us, with her constant and Perpetual Virginity throughout time, so she may intercede for all of us from heaven.

      The Holy Spirit entered Mary to bring us to Life through Christ; all souls are female to God.

      Mary chose life for us. Everything God does, He does in the most perfect way; if it were not done in the most perfect way, God would not be God. God chose Mary because she is , was and always will be The Woman, the Perfect Woman, the Perfect Daughter of God, the Perfect Mother of the Son of God, and the Perfect Spouse of the Holy Spirit.

      It is shameful that you would besmirch Mary’s life with crude remarks; it is always wrong to seek the lowest common denominator for ourselves and others; Love wills the highest and best good for the sake of the beloved.
      ~To Jesus through Mary~

      • “It should be remembered that it was Mary’s choice that gave us all Our Savior, and God rewarded her, and us, with her constant and Perpetual Virginity throughout time, so she may intercede for all of us from heaven.”

        You lost me at “Rewarded us with her perpetual virginity.” That is implying that a woman is only valuable to society as a virgin, which is not only sick but backward. Even if you believe that women are only valuable as baby-factories, it would still be backward to think that their only worth was in virginity. Your worship of the pedestal-placed idol of this woman who got pregnant without ever having sex is counterproductive and harmful.

        Getting pregnant without sex is a fairy tale. Just like Zeus harboring Athena in his skull and having her bust her way out. Fairy tale.

  131. BGAM (Big Green Amphibious Monster) says:

    Sorry, Darling Daughter… While I hope that you someday enter into a Relationship that is rewarding, fulfilling, full of growth, fun, passionate, strong, and ever-lasting, I reserve the Right to place you on a pedestal, because you, my Darling Daughter, are, hands down, the most precious gift God has ever granted unto me, and I defend what is mine. That’s what happens when your Dad is a warrior, a Marine, a Soldier.
    Sure, there are those enlightened souls who, were you their daughter, would wish you “good sex” and use a little shock value to try to shame the rest of us Neanderthals into somehow relenting to back away from our “bellicose threats” against any and all suitors.
    Here’s my question: Knowing that you will forge ahead, make your own choices, be responsible for your own actions, and take charge of your own life, be strengthened by that which does not kill you, who gives you more confidence to make the daring decisions that might cause you to fail greatly, or win gloriously, you must ask yourself who you’d rather have in your corner? Who has you covered? Who has your back? Some groovy middle aged dude who wants to be your friend…
    …or Godzilla?

    • Oohrah. I am not a father, but I am a Marine. I can not agree more. I think the real idea is that most fathers do not want their daughters to be used or taken advantage of. Sex is not exactly the same for both boys and girls Call it society or call it self perception. I think there is room for both sides. You cant lock your daughter in a cage for her whole life, but that doesnt mean you should encourage her to go sleep with as many guys as she can.

      • Uhm Hello says:

        Did you read the article? That’s EXACTLY what he told his daughter to do. Don’t get used for sex, but enjoy it as you see fit. Read, please. If you did in fact read, then please understand that you have misunderstood the whole article.

    • maribelle1963 says:

      “you, my Darling Daughter, are, hands down, the most precious gift God has ever granted unto me, and I defend what is mine.”

      Totally creepy. Our children are not “given” to us, they are entrusted to our care. She is not yours, she is life’s own, God’s own if you prefer. NOT YOURS.

      “I defend what is mine” is that kind of weird, boundary-less father complex that implies your daughter is some kind of creepy conquest. Men like that truly do dislike women, as the author states. They get so consumed with the love of their own daughter, which is so much more than they have ever cared for another woman, that they get all mixed up in the head, and think they have to defend her against the dangerous men out there, of which they know they are one.

      Yuck times 10.

      • Agreed. Yuck times 1000. Most soldiers I know are fairly gross and self-aggrandizing. And can we knock it off with the god crap already? Sorry, that last bit was personal editorial.

    • Get it through your helmet. Your daughter is NOT your property. She is not “YOURS”. She is her own person, and she is going to have sex whether you like it or not. The only thing you are doing by putting her up on a pedestal is making her wait until you are sleeping to slip down and screw the first person she sees. Godzilla is a metaphor for nuclear weapons. Destroying everything in it’s path-including the person it intended to protect.

    • snuggle_butt says:

      And would you still have her back if she “slept with someone gasp?!?!” If your answer is “well of course,” just make sure she knows that, or she’ll never tell you anything and you’ll never get a chance to defend her when she needs you. Keep on, marine dad.

    • The author is correct. You do not have to just be your child’s friend to have that kind of attitude. You can still be a great parent who teaches your daughter to be a strong, independent woman who knows her worth without enforcing your values and putting her in a glass box. teach her who she should want to give herself to and when to do it and still wish her good sex. Letting someone make their own mistakes and being their for them teaches them to grow and learn on their own but knowing they are safe to do so. Women are not property no matter how old they are…They are not god’s property either. They are the same human beings that men proclaim themselves to be. So treat your daughter as you would your son. Teach them what they need to know but wish for them all the things you enjoy and want for yourself.

    • matt marion says:

      And your daughter will have 10 times the sex and with less protection, especially once she gets out from under your rule. Idiot. She’s not yours, she’s hers. You can teach her and let her enjoy the world or repress her and force her to figure it out on her own, which she very much will whether you like it or not.

    • captainhappening says:

      But you aren’t Godzilla, are you? You will never make your daughter’s life better with anger and violence. Godzilla knocked over buildings and killed people and he was a barely sentient animal. I would much rather have Woody Harrelson on my side than Mel Gibson. How do you like that metaphor?

    • throwaway says:

      “you must ask yourself who you’d rather have in your corner? Who has you covered? Who has your back? Some groovy middle aged dude who wants to be your friend…
      …or Godzilla?”

      Yes, poor, defenseless, weak womenfolk can’t defend themselves. Thank goodness strong marine men like you are there to kill spiders for them and swat boys away.
      Seriously, what the fuck?

  132. sirina little says:

    Wow ur such an inspiration to all girls and dads everywhere thats the best thinking there is and I wish more parents cared as much as u and my father love knows no bounds and this is proof that life and parents don’t have to be all bad thank u for sharing ur thoughts with the world keep up the good work

    • I’ve raised 3 children to adulthood, one a daughter. He can raise his daughter the way he see’s fit. All I can say is report back in 5 years and let us know how it turned out. Oh, your daughter doesn’t need an old best friend, she needs a father and life is not a screw-a-thon.

      • But the point is, her joy and her grief should be of her making not her father’s. If she isn’t free to make those choices now, how will she know how to do so without you.
        I can report, that my now 24 year old daughter is doing fine, quite well in fact.

      • I don’t particularly think he was encouraging promiscuity. Rather, I think that this individual was actually humorously communicating to us what good parenting is. Which all good parenting is, is good training. We train our kids to do the expected behaviors we desire.
        However, any psychologist, dog trainer or therapist will tell you immediately that training is completely ineffective when it’s done through force; i.e. putting a little girl in the glass box you intend for her. What force breeds is resentment and often times the inability to think about things in a logical linear manner. Furthermore, it often creates a host of other psychological issues such as the colloquial “daddy issues”.
        I would also posit that individuals that have “daddy issues” tend to disproportionately enter into relationships that are abusive (sexually, physically or psychologically) and tend to have harder times maintaining healthy, well balanced relationships.

        So, why don’t you please step out of the glass box your parents obviously constructed for you and try to be an individual. Please. Because your little girl won’t always have you. She has to learn to live on her own.

      • Agreed.

      • My father was very similar to this man. My sister has only had sex with one man and I have only had sex with 3. We are both married and I even have a daughter of my own now. I think my Dad’s attitude toward relationships and sex helped my sister and I to not rebel against him using sex. We were more careful about who our partners were and we certainly didn’t engage in unprotected sex. There is just something that takes the cool factor out of sex when your Dad says it’s okay… Thanks Dad!

      • Joe Mind,

        I’m 32 years old and I had a father just like this one. My father spoke with me when I was 12yrs old about sex (info session and being open to the idea that one day, I would have sex), and said that if I do decide to have sex, just to be sure to use a condom. I was 18yrs old when I first had sex with my long-time boyfriend. I’m now 32, and I don’t have any children. I didn’t turn into a promiscuous teenage girl because my father spoke openly with me about sex in the same manner as this article. My father was there for me and I was/am completely open with my father about all issues in my life.

        I plan on raising my (future) children this way. I firmly believe I was less likely to have sex at an earlier age because sex wasn’t a “BAD” “WRONG” “FORBIDDEN” thing as a child. Think like a teenager for a moment, if someone tells a teenage not to do something, they’ll likely do it just out of spite and rebellion.

        Bottom line, the article is pointing out communication and openness instead of shelter and an inability to speak with your children about sex. Because like it or not, your daughter will one day have sex. Are you prepared for her to come to you when she’s hurt, upset, heartbroken, possibly pregnant or infected with a STD? Is she prepared to come to YOU when she is hurt, upset, heartbroken, possibly pregnant or infected with a STD?

        If you cannot even THINK about “letting” your daughter have sex before YOU’RE ready, don’t think for one moment that she is ready to talk with you about what happens when she does.

      • Joe Mind, you are exactly right!

    • “Look I love sex. It’s fun”

      Wow, if my father/mother had ever given me a talk like that I can’t imagine how many messed up decisions I would have made.

      My dad told me the importance of waiting to have sex until I was married. He sat me down and had a heart to heart with me and stressed how absolutely important that decision was. I believed him. My mom and dad were married 40+ years, and were each other’s only partners. I waited to have sex until I was married, as did my now wife of 3 years to me. There is no doubt in my mind, or hers, that we will be married forever. It’s called morals, values… things that go by the wayside now. I’m under 30 and will pass these same morals on to my future children and teach them how to love and value the most important person in my life, my wife. And have the same heart to heart with my children as my father did to me.

  133. They are meant to be funny. ha ha ha….whatever happened to just laughing and moving on with your day. (Or roling yoru eyes and moving on)

    When did everything we say and do become scrutinized to the nth degree? Geez. Every word doesn’t need to carry a social and emotional impact that will radically affect everything for all eternity. Some things are just silly and cheesy and most of us know to take them that way. I believe the saying is quit making mountains out of mole hills.

  134. I’m glad my Dad loved me enough to be honest with me about sex. Not just that it is fun, but that it comes with risks and responsibilities. And mostly I’m thankful that he taught me that waiting for a man willing to commit to me in marriage was the only way to have the fun of sex without the risk. I am 35 and happily married with 3 beautiful children. I have never once had to deal with the fear of possibly being pregnant or having a sexually transmitted disease. I have never experienced the heartbreak of realizing that my boyfriend was only after me for sex and was gone once he got what he wanted. Waiting didn’t diminish the pleasure, I think it probably made it even better.

  135. Thank you. Excellent article.

    I always tell my son, girls want sex too:

    http://emptynestdiary.com/2010/06/12/feminist-or-whore/

    I hadn’t realized how deprived I had been of my sexuality as a young woman until after the birth of my son, when it came ranting out after a particularly pleasurable sexual experience with my husband:

    http://themarriagejourney.wordpress.com/2010/08/24/the-penis-a-poem/

  136. 3munchkins says:

    Why the attack on Katie? Just as there is “freedom FROM religion,” there is also freedom to express it. And while this is not a religious article, for a Christian, you cannot remove your faith from your fundamental beliefs. Katie didn’t attack anyone, she simply, respectfully, offered a viewpoint that differs from the author’s. Good for you, Katie. And if you don’t agree with her opinion, simply move on to the next one. 🙂

  137. The way I see it, this article is refreshin because it is saying a woman should not feel ashamed over her sexuality. Too many times women are told to tone it down or you can be “just this” without going over borderline. Or that it’s wrong or bad to want sex with someone. I find this viewpoint liberating in the sense that it doesn’t take the women’s movement back 50 years. I don’t think the author is advocating sleeping around or going balls-to-the-wall crazy having sex with everyone in sight. He is simply stating that she should not feel ashamed for being a human with real feelings/sexual thoughts/wants/desires. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

  138. Interested in the potential long-term effect of these beliefs? Read “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” by Meg Meeker, M.D.

  139. Chainsawhandz says:

    Many people are commenting on this article with an obvious misinterpretation of the (admittedly abstract) line, “Go out and play.” Nowhere in the article is the author saying “Hey kid, you’re on your own, now don’t come back until you’ve had lots of sex whether you like it or not.” He’s clearly just trying to foster an open line of communication and understanding with his daughter, while instilling a positive attitude about sex , which is the opposite of what someone who says “Premarital sex will kill you so I’ll beat up all of your boyfriends just in case” will achieve.

    • Yep, apparently there is something seriously wrong with reading all around since no matter what the whole thing says that’s all they can take from it. And not only that, but actually MISinterpret it in their own way :S

    • The dad did say this ” Now get out there and find all the things you fucking love, and vice versa.” Vice versa means “the other way around”. So he is saying “Now get out there and find all the things you fucking love, and get out there and find all the things you love fucking” So yeah he is telling his daughter to go out there and get to fucking something.

      Creating an atmosphere that says “do whatever you want I’ll be here for you to make you feel better when it hurts” is honestly just lazy parenting.

      It’s ok to say no you can’t do this or that. It’s ok to keep them from some types of mistakes or teach them that just because you want to do something doesn’t mean it’s a good idea or that you are ready yet..etc.. it’s ok to have rules. It’s ok to instruct your child because after all you have been given the responsibility to be their guide preparing them for life the best you can.

      You don’t have to be a despot in parenting, but there is nothing wrong with teaching them there is a time and place for being ready to have sex and in turn that a desire for something doesn’t mean its ok or the right time to act on it.

      To say good luck and get out there and starting trying to find your own way get to fucking people and act on your desires whatever they are and when it hurts or if you have questions I’ll just be sitting over here for you is a pretty lame way to parent in my opinion.

      • Chainsawhandz says:

        I interpret that last line as the father encouraging his daughter to find someone that she will both love and be sexually compatible with, as opposed to ending up half of a virgin couple that gets married with her fingers crossed in hopes they will actually be right for each other.

        What makes you think this father is going to throw his hands up and turn his back on his daughter at the conclusion of this article? Do you really think he isn’t also talking to her about consequences of sex? Do you really think he isn’t telling her about the differences between love and lust? Do you honestly believe that this open-minded, progressive, involved father is giving advice that boils down to “Go have sex, even if you’re not ready?”

        Give me a break.

  140. Hi CG

    You write:
    “✺ Because Planned Parenthood makes it’s money off of killing
    children. That’s not to include all the practical jokers in drug stores who like to poke holes in condoms
    on the shelves. So much for that protection against STDs”✺

    May I ask where you live?
    Where in on this earth is this happening?
    Other places on earth many use contraceptives, and where you live people poke hole in condoms and kill children to make money .
    Tell me where you live CG.

  141. I can’t decide if this saddens me or angers me more… Ok “Father”, the role you’ve taken on is that of any loyal and trusting friend. You’re someone who is meant to protect and guide your daughter, and that’s something that not anyone, but an authoritative parent can offer. Encourage your daughter to live-free, and find herself in this world, sure…nothing is ever wrong with that, but believe it or not, EVERYTHING has limits. How can you claim to protect your daughter while you’re allowing her to run around and sleep around with anyone at anytime? How can you protect your daughter when she becomes pregnant? How can you protect your daughter when she picks up an easily avoided STD had she not been casually sleeping around? How can you insure her safety? What I love even more is that you are fully aware that she will be getting herself lost, and in trouble…as you suggest she comes home to you in those times of need. So you are basically enouraging a child/girl/lady to get herself in any trouble, and run home for help. Can I ask you why? Oh right.. to learn from her mistakes, because according to this article, the only way to learn to to make the mistake first. Okay, that is entirely a whole new topic at hand. Yes you learn from your mistakes IF they do happen, No it is not the only way to learn. And a second MAJOR problem with this mentality: To have Sex is to understand it, to know its purpose and to be both physically and mentally prepared for it. Sex and Love go hand in hand, hense it produces compassion and pleasure. Where are the values in teacching your children/teens/young adults that to sleep with someone means you are in love or committing to this individual in some sort of relationship? Call me old fashioned, but I do believe that is the very essense of Sex….to love, to share, to produce, to become. No one said everyone has to follow that traditional way, but everyone knows it at the back of their mind. However, you “father” are straight up and directly just leading this daughter of yours in the wrong direction. I pray she does not corrupt. Society today is taking a nice leep downwards.

  142. Kevin Coulombe says:

    I think it was Paul Graham who wrote that parents are over-protective because they share the pain of the mistakes but they don’t share the joy of the successes to the same extent. It takes a big man to be glad your child is taking risks when they reap the rewards mostly on their own and come back home when things go wrong.

  143. I wish you were my father-in-law… I’m with my gf since 2008 and he is still a pain…

  144. I’m not sure if the reply posters on here know much about the differences in neurology for males and females. Pretty much everything in life is different for males and females for this reason, we have differences in neurochemistry and physiology, have different amounts of chemicals and receptors etc. Some evidence has shown that females release more oxytocin (cuddle hormone) during sex than males, males release more testosterone which tends to suppress oxytocin, this tends to tie women more quickly to the person they are having sex with. From an evolutionary perspective this could make sense as it ensures the male produces a lot of offspring and females will stay to nurture the offspring. Some have reported that oxytocin release in males does happen, but over a greater length of time and a greater quantity of exposure to a person. Under this perspective, women ‘waiting’ is not unwise as it allows a fair amount of time for the male to release oxytocin without sex, thus would allow a greater balance between the release of oxytocin and testosterone when the males has sex with a female.

    • Hi ….Says

      You have a good point here when you write:
      ✺”Under this perspective, women ‘waiting’ is not unwise as it allows a fair amount of time for the
      male to release oxytocin without sex,”✺

      Can you give us good links with more info about this ?

  145. Yes, it’s important not to vilify sex or make it a “no no,” but this article swings too far in the opposite direction, for my taste. Kids are ignorant to too many things in life, to be told, “Go ahead and have sex.” They don’t fully understand action=consequence yet, they don’t think long term and are still too impulse-driven. Parents have to protect their kids from themselves, because if left to their own devices…they will behave in some pretty incredibly self-destructive ways.

    What the author is preparing his daughter for is teenage pregnancy and possibly STDs, or both. It’s irresponsible parenting. Sex should be taught as something that is the most valuable gift someone can give of themselves to their partner. Whether you choose to instill the traditional values of waiting until marriage, or waiting until you are in a committed relationship that looks like it has legs. But to tell them that sex is great and encourage them as teenagers to do it, “But just be safe about it,” is just completely irresponsible parenting. Which is par for the course, these days…there’s a lot of irresponsible parenting going on.

  146. Wow, this basically amounts to “do whatever you want, life is hard, and you’ll learn by doing.” I think more reasonable fathers who don’t enjoy red neck humor will probably care less about the quality of sex their daughter is having, and more about who she is having sex with (i.e. not a d-bag). I suppose a parent shouldn’t be able to voice their opinions on whether or not they like or don’t like who their kids date? How about what college they attend? My attitude is simple, do what you think is best, but I’m going to give you my honest opinon, and you take it, knowing that I have your best interest in mind and make your own choice. “Do whatever the hell you want” with no guidance or opinion from the father is horrible parenting, just as horrible as being an asshole restrictive parent is. Middle of the road and thoughtful isn’t “cool,” its just far more difficult to do since it requires work and doesn’t give you an out to say “well I did my best” since you basically just painted out parenting as black and white. Anybody who reads this who thinks this great parenting is an absolute idiot.

  147. My father had this same “laissez faire” attitude, and I never learned to say “no.” I somehow soaked up the idea that no boy (they weren’t men) would “like” me unless I was putting out, and my father’s “encouragement” (coming before I was ready to know whether I wanted sex or not) wasn’t helpful. There is no one right way, and different kinds of support are called for at a different times in a young girl’s life. It’s taken me years to get over all that casual sex–actually unwanted, as years of therapy helped me to realize, but I didn’t know it at the time because I wanted my father’s acceptance even more. These things are not simple. Tune in to your daughter. Find out what she needs right now.

    • I agree, I don;t think it’s as black and white as “yes! go out and have sex with anyone, any place, any time!” and “NO! SEX IS EVIL AND YOU ARE A SINNER”. It’s all about the individual person, and I think that warning a child of the good and bad consequences of sex to give them a well-rounded view is important.

      I went through a period where I gave myself up a little too freely, like you. Now I see more value in myself and have a different attitude about sex. But I still don’t believe that people should necessarily abstain from sex JUST because someone else tells them to. Maybe if parents aim to do a better job informing their children about the realities of sex and relationships, children will have a better idea of what its all about going into it, and will then make more informed decisions about their own sexual experiences.

    • Did you even read the article in full. Nowhere, NOWHERE, does he suggest that men would only like his daughter if she gave them sex. If anything, this encourages her to think more about who she decides to sleep with more than those who make it verboten and assume she’ll comply.

    • He has tuned into his daughter’s needs, as every parent should. This sexual attitude might not be the best idea for all young men and women, especially if it’s not explained in the correct way, using sexual education in the RIGHT way. This man is not encouraging his daughter to have lots of sex, nor is he having a “laissez faire” attitude, he’s letting her know that if she wants to have sex (consensual), then she shouldn’t follow the thoughts that society currently places on sex, that it’s a bad and terrible thing. It’s something you should be able to enjoy and get pleasure from. From reading your comment, your story is not the same as this father’s story, and for that, I’m sorry.

    • This is really not what he is saying..

    • My dad also had the same “laissez-faire” attitude, and I never felt pressure to have sex with boys, and I waited until I was in love, and I have a very healthy sexual life. Don’t blame your own mistakes on your father. While parenting has a lot of influence, your choices are ultimately yours.

      • Agreed. My father also had a “laissez-faire”attitude and I waited to have sex until I was in my twenties so that I knew I was ready to become sexually active. And I have a great sex life that I wouldn’t change if I could. It all depends on the choices we make and I love that in this article that he makes it clear that his daughter can come to him when things are wrong or if she feels like she screwed up.

  148. ShinyAvarice says:

    I agree with this. It’s very close to how I was brought up. I was encouraged to to enjoy life, to drink, have sex and experiment with drugs (being male might have had a lot to do with that) and I never did any of those during my teenage years. Now at 22 I still haven’t had sex or done drugs because I was the social outcast during high school no girl would have considered touching me. As for the drugs I know they are stupid, the best advice for drugs I got was from a former near addicted user, they told me don’t bother there are better ways to have fun. I believed them and have never done them.

    As for sex now that I’m an adult, I want to have it but not the relationship that is expected to go with it is not possible in my life right now. I don’t go ‘clubbing’ or out to meet people and hook up because those scenes aren’t for me.

  149. this article saddens me…where is God in all of this? i am praying for your daughter right now, that she does NOT listen to your “fatherly” advice of “go out and play honey”, that she realizes she is worth SO much more and that although it is her choice to do what she wants with her body, that body was created so that she can enjoy the intamacy and love that only comes with a truly committed relationship. i wish i had a father that was strong and confident enough to impart these words of wisdom on me. instead my father was less than. fortunately i was adopted by a man who tried to teach me these things – to love and honor myself and my Creator, no matter what, but it was too late – i had already been taught that sex was “cool” and for everyone, whenever the mood struck you. such a sad and regretful way to live this precious life…if you don’t believe in God and want to take Him out of the equation, that’s your decision, but the fact is, something created your daughter’s soul, along with her physical body, and if you do not love her enough to protect as much as you possibly can from the dirt out there, then shame on your for helping to create damage on the most precious gift you’ve ever been afforded.

    • Circuit Ben says:

      God is where he’s always been, in your head,.

    • And there you have it… how spirituality lost its way and became a method for controlling others instead of yourself.

    • there is no god

    • Not everyone believes in God, Katie. Therefore, we don’t all subscribe to what God says is right or wrong. This is called freedom of religion and it extends to parenting. You don’t need to be sad about something just because its different than you.

      • Brooke, couldn’t of said it any better. I hate when religion is used to make a girl/women feel less of herself ! Sex is sex!!! We all do it! It’s natural!

    • Jared Ouimette of Midland, TX says:

      What does God have to do with raising children? Seriously, the second God works 40 hours a week and puts food on my table, THEN he gets to have a say in my life. Until then, he can fuck right off.

      • Hahahaha

      • This was so well put. Thank you! Sometimes my (raised Catholic) mother laments that she didn’t bring me up inside of a religion to teach me morality and right from wrong. When I ask her if I lack either she says “of course not,” and praises my judgement. I have to remind her that she did all that, while working 50+ hours a week, and supporting our entire family. Nothing God could have possibly offered would have given me a better roll model.

      • Well said, Jared!

    • You’re completely missing the point. He’s not telling her to run out and whore around and get herself into trouble with dirty, evil people. He’s telling her that he’s not going to deny her something that can bring joy and pleasure, just as it does him. He’s saying that naturally, almost everyone wants sex, and not every boy who wants sex from a girl is “dirt”. What if this girl is in a loving, committed relationship – putting God aside, why shouldn’t they have sex? That’s what he’s saying. Who is he to tell her what to do with her body when she is a woman in her own right? Now obviously, there are issues with younger kids having sex for all of the wrong reasons and of course he is going to protect her and warn her of the emotional and physical consequences, but he’s also not going to stop her from enjoying a very special, intimate event just for the sake of upholding a social standard.

      What is wrong with a parent saying “sex is ok” if they believe it to be so? He’s not saying that he doesn’t want to protect her. He is saying that at some point, she needs to learn how to protect herself. If a duck never learns to swim because it’s mother was too scared to let it try, then the duck will drown as an adult.

      Life IS precious, whether you believe in God or not. So why would he want to hold his daughter back from one of life’s most intimate pleasures? It’s about balance. Sex is powerful, not just in a bad way but good as well. It CAN be a really positive experience, and this man doesnt feel the need to “protect” his daughter from such a good thing. Obviously, sex can have negatives. Making sure that your child is aware of BOTH will help determine what is right for THEM, not anyone else.

    • True damage to a daughter is teaching her to be ashamed of the wonderful gift that is sexual intimacy. Having an open dialogue with your children about have safe, consensual and responsible sex is the best gift you can give them. How wonderful that this man’s daughter doesn’t need to hide her sexuality and sexual choices from her father in a way that could prove dangerous to her health. Protect her from STI’s, shame, and gender oppression by giving her the agency to make her own decisions that are well informed and not made alone, in secret.

    • Sex is powerful. Sometimes in a bad way, but often in a positive way. This man is saying that he doesn’t want to deny his daughter of the good power of sex – a beautiful, intimate, fun experience that often helps people grow and evolve emotionally. I don’t really think he’s telling her to go out and whore around; he’s saying that she should have the freedom to choose for herself, just the way he has.
      Sex is not dirty or wrong, it is natural. This man is realistic when he acknowledges that it’s enjoyable and most everyone wants it. He is also realistic in saying that not every boy out there is trying to rape his daughter or hurt her by taking her innocence and running away with it. Consider the fact that maybe now, or one day in the future, this girl is in a loving relationship with another person and they want to share sex with each other. What is stopping her? If they don’t follow any religious rule then there’s no reason, and this father doesn’t want to be the one holding her back from experiencing one of the most powerful acts between two humans. If it is a positive experience then what is there to “protect” her from?
      It’s about balance. Knowing the consequences of sex –both good and bad – is key. You can’t just act like all sex is dirty and evil.

    • The concept of that sex is dirty and sinful unless done in a certain way is much newer than Christianity, all of the religions that founded Christianity worshipped sex to the point of having temples for sacred prostitutes. Every women was expected to give herself away for ‘God’ at one point in her life.

      Sex can be a very religious or spiritual experience. Its great if religion works out for you but I think this form of parenting is far more accepting and loving than control methods, worshipped religions that condone child brides, child abuse, slavery etc

      Free choice. In my opinion its only a problem anybody having sex if they are forcing themselves to do it because they feel that they have to do.

    • Did you not read the article? He did not say “go out and play” he said that if she chooses to have sex and it is a consensual act and she gets hurt that it is ok life does not end and that he will be there to support her when she feels things are just a little to hard. It also sounds like you need some therapy if you still feel like “it was too late – i had already been taught that sex was “cool” and for everyone, whenever the mood struck you. ” You are right that her body is precious but it is hers not yours so don’t put your own self hatered onto this family as you have NO idea what it is like.

    • No body asked for you or for your “God’s” judgement. What you are proposing is exactly what the author does not wish for his daughter. If she she wants to explore sex then that is her decision, if she wants to discover God then that is her decision, the key part of the equation is that it is HER decision.

      A little less judging and interjection of your will onto other people would be good.

    • Ohh..GOD…Praying for your daughter….Our Creator…Oh your daughter’s soul…
      Are you kidding me? You’re hilarious. I don’t take you seriously, and I doubt many others will either. You can have your faith, but don’t be a troll about it! I doubt he’s telling her–“I think you should go against God’s will and have sex whenever you feel like it all the time with no concern for your mental well-being or safety.”

      I think it’s more like, “I respect you as an individual, and know that I’ve taught you how to make good life choices. With everything I’ve taught you, there will still be times where you will be challenged by life and need to make tough decisions. They are not my decisions to make, they are yours. Make the best decisions you can, but enjoy your life! Sexuality is a big part of life and there are a myriad of ways for you to experience that. I will not try to control what your life experience is. Your body is yours and does not belong to anyone else, including me. I am not going to place MY values and judgments on YOUR sexuality. Don’t be afraid of being judged by me or anyone else. It is all part of growing up and being human. Please be safe, but know I be here for you anytime you need me.”

    • philip wayne says:

      Katie – you are reading and commenting on the wrong blog. Freedom of religion includes freedom FROM religion, so call someone who cares and leave the readers of this blog alone. If you had been born in a Muslim country you would be a hardcore Muslim, (or fill in another religion based on the country, it’s all the same) which suggests that your religious faith is a product of your environment, not the result of some universal truth that only you and your church buddies have figured out. Travel a bit, learn a foreign language, dare to experiment, and stop bugging people who did not ask for your one-sided 2000 year old opinion. You are boring us to tears. Dare to have an original thought, I implore you.

      • Freedom of religion also protects those of us that believe that raising children, in fact all aspects of life, go hand in hand with our faith in God. If you are free to express your lack of religion, we are free to express our religion, regardless of what religion it is.

      • Your point is self refuting on a couple points. First of all, if our worldviews are a product of our environment, then your worldview is a product of your environment. So you are in the same boat as Katie. Secondly, your perspective that someone’s worldview is a product of their environment is an assertion of a universal truth, the thing you are critiquing her for.

      • Your point is self refuting on a couple points. First of all, if our worldviews are a product of our environment, then your worldview is a product of your environment. So you are in the same boat as Katie. Secondly, your perspective that someone’s worldview is a product of their environment is an assertion of a universal truth, the thing you are critiquing her for.

    • Free Soul says:

      Believing in God and being a bible-thumping brainwashed christian are two very different things.

    • Religion has zero bearing on this conversation. It is a father expressing his want for his daughter to live a rich and full life. Any argument with the predisposition that God must be involved is nonsense. You are free to view the world as you want, but you shouldn’t project your views on others. For all we know this is an extremely pious man who has the ability to think in conjunction with the teachings of the Bible and extrapolate his own meaning. It’s a touching story with a great and empowering view for women. Take it at face value.

      • Chris, I’m a little confused. You wrote, “You are free to view the world as you want, but you shouldn’t project your views on others.” In saying that, you are actually projecting your view (don’t project views) onto me. Your statement seems self refuting to me. Does that make sense?

    • Bahl Sanchin says:

      Not everyone cares about your fairy tales. If you chose to live your life by Bronze Age myths, that’s your business. But don’t go around whining when you find others who are not doing the same.

    • “i had already been taught that sex was “cool” and for everyone, whenever the mood struck you”

      But…but…it is cool! D:

    • Seriously? God? lol….

    • I hate people who assume everyone is a fucking christian

    • Isn’t the guy writing this voicing his opinion on what he thinks daughters need from there father? Why have people make comments on the post just to attack what they have to say?

    • Well said!

    • Oh my dear, delusional, overly religious woman….I was raised to believe that sex was a gift that I gave to my husband on our wedding night, treasured to behold until I found the one man that I was going to love for eternity in God’s eyes.
      I lost my virginity at 14 and I had sex….lots of it. The only thing I didn’t do was tell my parents about it. I was sexually active for two years, unprotected most of the time until my mother talked to me about contraception. I admitted to having been active and already needed to have cryo surgery for stage four dysplasia. Damage can be just as equally wrought in a God fearing, religious household. I had those friends who were out partying all weekend long too and being the perfect kid on Sunday in their parent’s eyes. Be careful how you wield God in your arguments and if you have children of your own, think about whether or not you’ve made them fearful of discussing their sexual activity in the name of God.

  150. Maybe his liberal views and actions will have the opposite effect on his daughter. I know someone has been equally callous about his daughter’s sex life and since she was young he has openly encouraged her to have sex. Because of his lackadaisical and unprotective attitude and her witnessing her fathers constant sexual crusades with women not much older than herself, she remains a virgin at the age of 26, and has a negative attitude about men in general. Her fathers “free love” attitude produce as frigid, woman who is frightened of men. Having reasonable protective, limits for our daughters AND sons is healthy. Anything too extreme on either side, either too few limits or two many, produces unhealthy people.

    • That may be, but that’s not the tone I got from this article; it was less about the father encouraging his daughter to have sex, but just saying to do so IF SHE WANTED TO. the key idea being that he can’t and shouldn’t be able to control whether his daughter has sex, or NOT, if that is what she wants.

      • ” he can’t and shouldn’t be able to control whether his daughter has sex, or NOT”
        THIS. So much THIS.
        Children, daughters included, are not property or objects. They are people with their own desires and cravings, and nobody should stand in their way. Not even their parents.

        As the great poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran wrote in his poem “On Children”:

        Your children are not your children.
        They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
        They come through you but not from you,
        And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

        You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
        For they have their own thoughts.
        You may house their bodies but not their souls,
        For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
        which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
        You may strive to be like them,
        but seek not to make them like you.
        For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

        You are the bows from which your children
        as living arrows are sent forth.
        The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
        and He bends you with His might
        that His arrows may go swift and far.
        Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
        For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
        so He loves also the bow that is stable.

    • Nowhere in this article is an active provocation to procreate. You’ve taken what is essentially an observation that a father’s authority shouldn’t cover mandates on how daughters use their genitalia to be justification of a rough anecdote about a man who didn’t respect women alienated his daughter.

      Just because you aren’t forbidden from doing something, it doesn’t obligate one to do it. Having an open attitude towards sex won’t result in everyone fucking in trees, it will result in those teenagers who want to have sex not feeling bad about doing so, and encourage them to be more intelligent about the choices they make.

    • That may be the case in this particular situation and with these particular people, but we’re not little computer chips that all respond the same way to the same stimuli. Some other daughter may well respond quite differently.

      And perhaps you are projecting the “callousness” you see in that relationship on what the author was really trying to say, which I really didn’t see as callousness at all.

    • ann, first off, in no way should the authors lack of puritanical, nonsensical attitude towards his daughter (or women in general) be considered “liberal”. and its sad that you see it as such. furthermore, he is not telling her to go out and open her legs to anyone that asks, he is simply telling her that she shouldnt let other peoples sense of (in my opinion, misguided) morals dictate whether she does or not. Last, he is also just simply saying that he will not take part in the hypocrisy that seems to be so fashionable amongst fathers, and instead, is going for honesty and talking to his daughter like an individual, not a piece of property.

    • How did you get “Callous”, “lackadaisical and unprotective attitude”, “constant sexual crusades with women not much older than herself” ““free love” attitude” from the article? May be your own fearful interpretations and assumptions?

    • You can’t serve only a “permission” without doing all the other things parents do (or should do) : encouraging critical thinking, developing self-esteem, teaching how to stay away from disrespectful people, choose your moment, go for what you really want instead of instant gratification…

      This text doesn’t mention those, but it’s pretty obvious that his daughter’s education is made of them…..

      He helps her making decision without guilt… Simply put.

      You cannot possibly think that only one element drove the girl to be like that… education is a truckload of important factors.

    • Pan T. Free says:

      I’m not with you on this one. I belief you are projecting an image onto this essay that doesn’t exist except in your personal history. This is a father who cares deeply but isn’t holding her to a moral code that isn’t her own.

  151. I am crying as I read this.

    I have been having horrible issues with my father lately, namely that he thinks I can “do better’ than my current boyfriend. This issue has been tearing us apart, and I just wish he could look at it this way for a while. Uplifting article

    • I also cried when I read it.

      I have similar issues with my father. He thinks I can do better and tells me he knows my boyfriend isn’t the ‘one’. The problem isn’t destroying my fathers and my relationship as much as it is my relationship with my boyfriend. I have other problems that tear my father and I apart.

  152. You are the dad every daughter deserves.

  153. Katie Ball says:

    By encouraging your daughter to live and learn, you’re most likely setting her on a path to experience more pain than those who toe the line. Plus society doesn’t know how to handle individual thinkers, and this too might add to the stresses in her life.

    And for that I say thank you.

    Hoping the popularity of this article means there are more parents out there encouraging their children to really embrace life–no matter how messy and painful it can sometimes be. Would love to see what a whole generation of these humans could do!

  154. anonymous says:

    I posted a comment yesterday, but I can’t find it now.

    I find that the author makes a respectable point, but does it all wrong. It’s great that our youth will make their own decisions and live their own lives, make their own mistakes and learn from it. It’s great that when your child makes a mistake or gets hurt, that you will be there to help them.. Great!

    Just not sex. I had sex at a very young age, and in the past 20 years, have seen effects of my immaturity (I mean, physical, my brain development, how it affected me – not mentally – I thought I was very mature for my age). I married the boy I lost my virginity to, and our having sex too young stunted him, too.

    My husband had multiple affairs in our marriage, and in learning about affairs and sexual dysfunction, a lot of it stems from exposure to sex at too young an age (or pornography or sexual abuse, etc.). His last affair ended our marriage – 19 years after our first sexual encounter. Our having sex at 13 ruined my life 19 years later. Pregnancy and STDs aren’t the only possible repercussions.

    Those who say that they wish their parents had talked with them like this: is it because you rebelled against them and had sex anyway? If so, your regret is with your own actions, and not your parents. If they tried to teach you to wait, and tried to teach you that casual sex is cheap, and that saving yourself for true love was the right way to do it – they did their job.

    To those who say that casual sex for pleasure isn’t cheap – yes, it is. I have had both. I have had sex with people I really care about, and people I just wanted to get laid from. I can tell you, that consensual and casual sex, is cheap. Some of my partners are great friends, but when we part ways, I feel as if I was used. I enjoyed it, orgasmed, and still feel cheap.

    And, to the feminists – I am a feminist myself – and yes, the message is empowerment. But the one thing that the feminists need to accept is that men and women are different. Yes, we can be equal, but we can’t be the same. It is a fact, that when the sex is over, the man will never be the one pregnant. Also, no matter how equal we are, due to our biological and physical differences, it will always be easier for men to rape women than vice versa. There will always be differences. The feminist message should be to embrace those differences and find empowerment that way. If you know, that you will be the one with child, you can choose not to have sex. (Yes, you can choose to abort, but I am Catholic, and don’t believe in that as an option for myself). If you know that you are more vulnerable to physical attacks, take the best precautions you can to prevent it (yes, I know you can’t prevent it or it wouldn’t be called rape – but there are some basic safety precautions you can take, though not fool proof).

    I have two daughters. I will teach them that sex is special, and should be shared between two people who love each other. I will teach them that they can’t “undo” sex, and that there are consequences. I will teach them that they can always talk to me, and that I love them no matter what. I will teach them, that my love is unconditional, and that I will always be here to help them. But I will also teach them that they need to make decisions based on more than just hormones. If they need a physical fix, they can do that themselves, without some boy. I will also tell them my stories, and the horrible things that I went through, and show them that they deserve a lot better than my past.

    • Anonymous says:

      Couldn’t agree more. Sex is meant for the confines of marriage, because it will damage you emotionally. My husband and I waited to have sex until our wedding night – both of us virgins at that time. I know that is a rare thing now, but I’m in my 20’s and I’ve seen my friends give it away to guys they don’t even talk to now. I’m sorry for my friends because they won’t get to experience the complete love, acceptance and pleasure with one man who will stand by you forever. I’m sorry, my daughter will be getting the abstinence talk. And by the way, so will my son – because I care about their future marriage more than I care about their momentary pleasure. You can grow, learn and love someone without sex. Save it. Can you tell that I disagree completely with this article? Thank you for this post about the effects of sex on a marriage. My marriage isn’t perfect. My husband struggles with some sexual addiction and is getting counseling for it because if he’s finding sexual pleasure somewhere other than me, we have an issue. That’s what marriage is for.

      I believe that a reason so many marriages fail in this time is because of fathers like this. The author is missing the point of sex, and so his daughter will as well. They will use sex for pleasure or momentary gratification, and in turn damage themselves emotionally, and carry that into a marriage bound to break and fail. My 2 cents.

    • Wow, that’s too bad. Sex before marriage ‘stunted’ you and your husband?

      I would say it wasn’t the sex, it was how you both viewed it and yourselves. Your experiences are not all experiences, and my sex-before-marriage experiences were pleasant and fun and exciting. No ‘stunting’ here.

      • Anonymous says:

        I didn’t say our sex before marriage. I said sex too young. We were 13 when we first had sex. You say you weren’t stunted, great. How old were you when you lost your virginity?

        No, my experience isn’t all experiences. I didn’t get STDs or have baby during my teen years. Just because it doesn’t happen. To everyone doesn’t negate it as a possible consequence.

        And, had i not started doing research into affairs and sexual dysfunction this past year, i wouldnt have realized that the root of our problems likely came from our sex at a young age. Maybe lots of people have other blissful ignorance, too.

        Lastly, I have a great view of sex and my body.I think that people who haven’t had sex while in love might not understand how cheap casual sex can feel in comparison. My view of sex comes from a lifetime of experiences, including passionate married sex, casual fwb sex, young awkward teen sex, sex to conceive, sex after giving birth, etc. I’m a well rounded individual with more wisdom and perspective.

    • It sounds like what caused you so much pain was not having sex too early, but being forced by a long-held societal puritanism into the idea that you absolutely must bond completely and forever with the first person you have sex with, or else it is somehow sinful. Sex at 13 may be a mistake, but it can only be terribly compounded by being made to believe you must marry that person. No one, at 13, is ready for THAT level of commitment. Certainly, it sounds like your partner and husband was not mature enough to handle that kind of pressure. Both of you likely would have worked through things and turned out fine if you’d felt free to go your separate ways – and been allowed to learn your own lessons from it in your own time.

      I first had sex at 18, much later and arguably when I should have been more mature. Still, though at the time it was within the context of a monogamous, long-term relationship (I waited a few months into the relationship to take that next step, and we were together four years) I would have had a miserable life if I had married that young man. Not because I was traumatized by having sex outside of marriage – I was very happy at the time and I feel that that relationship in all its aspects taught me a lot about myself and how to treat others. I have no regrets there.

      No, because the experiences we had helped both me and my boyfriend grow as individuals, and we both grew in different directions. I’m not at all the same person I was then, and if I had felt obligated to stay with my very first boyfriend for life just because we’d had sex, I would be very unhappy now. That would have been much, much more true if I’d had sex at 13, but again, not because of the sex itself.

      At that age, while depending on our personality we may be capable of having sex, working through the accompanying emotions and learning from it, we are not ready to commit to a person – or anything at all – for the rest of our lives. Especially not because we are forced to believe sex is shameful and wrong outside that narrow context.

    • Anonymous:

      Once again, as I said to Anne earlier, your experience is not everyone’s experience. OK, so I didn’t have sex at 13. Heck, I couldn’t get a girl to look at me at 13. However, when I *did* finally have it at 19, it didn’t ruin my life forever.

      I’ve had sex with exactly three women. One that I was in a relationship with in my late teens/early 20s, one that was a one night stand that I didn’t see coming, and one was the woman that I married. I also had a great deal of “almost sex” with someone I was in a long-term relationship with in my mid to late 20s.

      Oh yeah…and my wife knows about *all* of them.

      None of these experiences ruined my life. None of these experiences have been an issue in my 20+ year marriage. It might be for some people, who are raised with different expectations, or whose emotions run a little differently. But it hasn’t ruined mine.

      In fact, far from lamenting about the women I’d slept with before (well, except for the accidental one night stand), there are actually a few women who I lament *not* having slept with. Not as the proverbial “notches in my bedpost,” but rather, as *emotional* notches…people that I missed the chance to be with in that way just once, and now can’t because in our culture that would be considered cheating.

      My way may not work for you and yours doesn’t work for me, but we’re all different.

  155. Erica Christina says:

    You sound like a great dad. Your daughter is lucky for having a father who thinks this way. Women in glass cages is not the look.

  156. This almost made me tear up. This is one of the best articles I’ve ever read on parenting. As a woman, it really annoys me when people post pics of their baby girls and people leave comments like “gotta lock this one in the house” and “get your guns ready”. Thank you so much for showing that there are fathers out there who have raised their daughters to think for themselves and not live in fear.

  157. I appreciate the general idea of this post, but (as a woman) I disagree. Parents are their children’s protectors – this is regardless of gender. Children and teens need boundaries that are lovingly and consistently enforced. Saying “no sex until you’re older” doesn’t mean you’re putting your child in a glass cage any more than if you were setting a curfew, enforcing a bedtime, or limiting soda consumption. This goes for boys and girls. I agree completely that the idea of the father sitting on the front stoop with a shotgun is inherently sexist, but setting boundaries for your children does not have to be.

  158. I’m one of the ladies who had the traditional, scary dad. Let me tell you, I wanted nothing of the life he wanted for me and rebelled. Today we still have a strained relationship in my 30’s. I feel like I missed out on a lot because of his perspective of me as his perfect doll whose every action must be controlled. I even learned in sociology that being an authoritarian parent can cause a child to have difficulty developing a conscience; not good for society or the child and future adult!

  159. Candace C says:

    This was excellently put. This wasn’t a way to educate children on the matters of sex, but instead to educate parents that their children will have sex (I’m sure all of us can remember being younger and thinking you knew better than your parents or doing what you wanted because you wanted to). Sex is a part of life and it’s only right to be accepting of that – because most of us will have sex, and whether or not we can be open about life to our parents or bottle it up and sneak around them, is based on how the parent will react. Personally, I would like to know that when I have children, that they are being safe and happy. It is a testament to your role as a parent to whether or not you trust your child’s decisions – if you did your job, then you really shouldn’t worry. And yes everyone will get their heart broken, but that’s a part of life, and you won’t be able to protect your children from it forever, but you can be the shoulder they cry on if you’re willing to not judge them and talk to them. Great article 🙂

  160. Tornuggleman says:

    I have allways told my daughter different to the sons.
    Off course she should be able to enjoy sex, as well as boys.
    But I allways imprinted since she was small, that ALL boys allways wants inside the nickers !
    Never give in of any other reason then personal “needs”
    A one night stand is not a privelidge we men are allowed.
    A girl have the same right !
    The main thing is that there are feelings. Even if it is only for limited time.
    Girls are not whores or sick cous they enjoy sex.

    Her sexuality is not my buisness. And I only know what she want´s to tell.
    I wish my daughter a lovely life just like mine.
    Thank goodness we are not muslims !

  161. I am not a liberal says:

    All these libertine posters’ self-righteous indignation over Kenneth’s harmless little fun piece is so funny. I guess in addition to not having any morals you people also lack sense of humor 🙂

    (Okay there’s no need for the insults. – GMP MODERATOR)

  162. Like EVERYTHING in life the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. There are joys and dangers a plenty “out there…”

  163. Growing up I always wished my dad had been more ‘threatening’ with boyfriends, but I’m pretty sure his thought process was pretty similar to the one expressed in this article.

    And for that I am thankful. I strongly feel that if I hadn’t dated people my parents probably thought were terrible for me, I would have never found out the type of person who really compliments me, I would have never had a journey to finding what true love meant for me.

    I think this also set the tone for the big step that dating is, that at the end of the day I needed to be the one being responsible and thoughtful for who I gave my heart too, daddy and mommy couldn’t swoop in and save me from heartbreak, and when it came to love they weren’t supposed to. Women need to be just as responsible and thoughtful in their choices, and realize they aren’t a prize they are a partner to whoever they are going to love.

    Thank you for writing this article, and articulating how non shotgun baring parents care for their daughters happiness and finding love. 🙂

  164. Hi Ferrett, that’s a lovely article. I admit I’ve got a little issue with the one line “sex is something you give”. I’m guessing (and hoping) you mean we’re all giving to our partners and ourselves &c, but as it’s written I feel it can play into the old “women are the gatekeepers of sex and it’s on them to ‘put out’ or withhold.”

    Those stereotypes are so entrenched and powerful I think they poison good insights like these if not watched carefully.

  165. “This is complicated because this man obviously—not being a woman—does not know what sex is for women and girls. Sex is more than just physical pleasure. It is spiritual for women because most women want to feel loved and protected when we give our bodies to a man. Young men just want to feel sex.”

    That was posted by Anne, I’m not sure where my other reply went to but I’ll say it again: STOP PERPETUATING THE IDEA THAT OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PRECIOUS FLOWERS WHO WILL FALL APART THE FIRST TIME THEIR PETALS ARE TOUCHED. Jeez louise, and to say that all men want is to feel sex is a horrible thing to say. Men are JUST as emotional as women, and yes some women can be cold hearted about sex – we are ALL humans and we all have those capabilities regardless of our gender. Attitudes like yours, Anne, are why sexism and misogyny still run rampant in our society.

  166. I’m kind of shaking my head at some of the comments right now. Who says acceptance of sexuality is the same as casual or irresponsible sexual activity? If anything, people with healthy attitudes towards sex are far more likely to be informed and to ask for help when needed, IMO. I mean, I’m too lazy to go find some studies to cite properly, but I’m pretty sure that a whole bunch of them show that teen pregnancy and STD transmission are far higher in regions where abstinence and purity (whatever THAT is) get preached.

  167. This is complicated because this man obviously—not being a woman—does not know what sex is for women and girls. Sex is more than just physical pleasure. It is spiritual for women because most women want to feel loved and protected when we give our bodies to a man. Young men just want to feel sex.

    There is nothing wrong with women having hot and raunchy sex but it should be an intelligent decision. Parents need not be wardens of their daughter’s sex life. But they need to educate her why it is important to wait. It’s not to protect their parental sanity but to preserve their daughter’s dignity. There is nothing worse than a girl letting a boy in and then immediately after having him turn on his heals and walk away.

    • Wow, sexist much? Sex is not only spiritual for women, and it’s not only pleasure for men. It can be both of those things for either gender. Stop perpetuating this idea that men are base animals with every decision being made by instinct. I’ve had sex that was FAR from spiritual and it didn’t kill me. And I know that there have been moments where it has been beautiful and soul-wrenching for both the man AND myself. You are just furthering exactly what this author is fighting against – the idea that our daughters are some precious little pearl and yet our sons are sex-crazed heartless bastards waiting to take advantage of them. Seriously? Give your head a shake.

    • “It is spiritual for women because most women want to feel loved and protected when we give our bodies to a man. Young men just want to feel sex.”

      What the fuck? I seriously hope you don’t actually believe this. Why are you any more of an authority on how humans of whatever gender view sex than the author?

    • FlyingKal says:

      Anne,
      It’s rather comical that in the same paragraph where you say that a man can not know what sex is for women and girls, you yourself claim to know what sex is for young men…

    • I’m sorry, but this is a pretty sexist representation of women, Anne. And of men. I think that ultimately, we all would like to feel loved, men no less than women. But young women are also allowed to experiment and experience casual sex in the same way that men do. As a teenager, I remember sex being awkward and clumsy, not spiritual in any sense of the word. As a developing adult, I just wanted to “feel sex” too.

      I also think that you do our gender no favors by perpetuating the “virginity equals dignity” myth. Putting women’s sexuality on a pedestal is objectification, plain and simple.

    • You have to be kidding me. This is the exact opposite ESPECIALLY in this day and age. Empowerment (although necessary) made women think they could do whatever they wanted with their bodies with however many, and then settle down at their discretion…I’ve been told time and time again love and sex is completely separated and they just wanted to get their proverbial rocks off.

    • As a woman, I can definitely say that I and many other women have sex for just physical pleasure. I do not have sex to find love and protection. I also feel that your comment about girls dignity creates a double standard. Love, protection, and dignity are things that should be found outside of sex . A person’s character should be judged on other aspects of their life and not based on their decision to engage in sex or not.

    • I understand why you — not being a man — do not know what sex is for men and boys. Sex is more than just physical pleasure. Young men do not just want to feel sex.

    • Vincent Toups says:

      May I suggest that what you are saying here is just so much malarky, and is part and parcel with the system which oppresses both men and women by mystifying, rather than facing directly and therefore clarifying, our basic urges as human beings.

      I am a man. I like to have sex. Sex has been a purely physical but utterly wonderful pleasure for me, and it has also been a deeply important one. I am a human being and I am capable of a wide range of interpretations of my sexuality and sexual life.

      And guess what, I have known women who have exactly the same broad range of feelings about sex. I’ve known women who are honest and secure enough, despite the prevailing cultural forces telling them that sex is magic, to admit it. And I’ve known a lot more women who make a pretense of thinking that sex should always be this magical spiritual act and who secretly enjoy a roll in the hay as much as the next guy or girl.

      Frankly, I’m insulted by the implication that sex is “just a physical pleasure” to me because I am a man, and on behalf of women, I’m insulted by the implication that it must be more to them.

    • Anne, it’s like you didn’t even read the article….? Your assumptions about women’s spiritual connection to sex and the generalisation of men’s motivations are a bit insular. And just why is it important for women to wait? For how long and for whom? Does that benefit women or just a society that is threaten by women’s sexuality? Enjoyable consensual sex between two adults who respect each other is about as good as it gets… Where’s the bad here?

    • Not quite so simple, Anne; and it goes to show that you’ve fallen for all the propaganda out there about us guys that a lot of us have also unfortunately fallen for…fallen for to the point where we can’t or won’t admit that sex means a lot more to us than a fun roll in the hay too.

      But the simple fact is that aside from the loud bozos we hear about way too often, who just want to carve another notch in their bedpost, for a lot of guys sex is every bit as much about emotion as it is for women…even teenaged boys. Maybe even more especially teenaged boys.

      And to be sure, there are girls who will have sex with a guy and then just walk away, leaving him to wonder what just happened while “not being allowed” to be upset over what just happened.

    • Yeah, you’re wrong, and just making sweeping generalizations based on…I don’t even know what.

      Sex can be spiritual for women, it can be for men, it can hold no spiritual meaning (what does that even mean?!) for some people at all.

      Also, someone’s state of virginity has no bearing on dignity.

  168. As a mom of 2 little boys I can only hope I am this comfortable talking to my kids about sex when the time comes. Kids will do what they want behind your back or openly. At least if you are open with them they will confide their problems to you or come to you for help. The one thing the article doesn’t mention is that even safe sex can have unwanted results condoms don’t 100 percent guarantee anything. If you are having sex you have to mature enough to accept the consequences as even with precaution they can happen. As an adult I became pregnant unexpectedly so if it can happen to me it can happen to a 16 yr old.

    • There can always be consequences when having sex, yes. Like you said, condoms breaking and contracting diseases and/or becoming pregnant. But no matter how young or old a person is, if you are smart you will use protection, as it lowers the risks. And no matter how young or old you are, you can treat the sexually transimtted diseases, and if you are not ready to have a child you can have an abortion or birth the child and give it up for adoption.

  169. “Dear daughter, I hope you have awesome sex, because as your “science fiction writing” dad, I have no morals or idea what it means really to be a dad, and when people tell me things like, point a gun at a boy when he comes to the door for your daughter.. I’M stupid enough to take it literally as if I wrote it. But If I say something stupid like this ..your little friends will think I’M cool and maybe somebody will read my blog, and this will wash away all responsibility away from me when you either get your first round of STD’s or knocked up. Hey wasn’t that awesome how that guy banged you for a couple of weeks 2 months back and now your pregnant, what, you didn’t get his number even after he said he loved you and thats why you didn’t need a condom? ..oh well ..as long as it was AWESOME!! 🙂 I’M soooo proud of you, If it’s a boy ..let’s call him weasel, won’t that be awesome?! Now you can be the town bike full time since nobody is going to want to marry you with your lovely respectable track record, STD’s ..because you went on the pill for a while ..but I forgot to tell you that it doesn’t protect you from STD’s, and because you have a son named Weasel and a dad called Ferrett.” ..Oy vey!

    • Yeah, cause women are stupid, have no own will and will get nocked up and get STD’s if their dad doesn’t scare all the boys away.

      “I’M stupid enough to take it literally as if I wrote it”

      No, but you have a lousy view on female intelligence. Poor fella.

    • Oh, Kenneth. So simple-minded and binary, aren’t you? Guess what” STDs and pregnancy can both be avoided quite effectively through the use of condoms and other birth control methods. Part of being the wonderful father that Ferrett is trying to be is encouraging wise choices — and using protection is one of those choices that his daughter has, no doubt, been encouraged to make.

      Now take your bullshit morality and holier-than-thou attitude and go rub one out or do whatever it is you do to avoid corrupting yourself with awful, unpure, wonderful, sticky sex. There’s only one weasel here, buddy, and it’s you.

      • Actually condoms are poor protection from pregnancy and even worse protection from STD’s especially the rashy kind that hang out in non-condom covered areas. Just so you know.

    • dont you realize that if a father is open enough to share this with his child, he will also share the several ways to keep herself safe? education is where its at. not fear.

    • Wow. Way to completely miss the message here. You must be one of those guys who praise(d) your buddies for their “sexual conquests” but slut-shamed women for the same consensual act. Well guess what? My dad didn’t hold the proverbial gun when a guy came over. Now as an adult, I have a healthy, realistic view of men. I’m married, and not once did I get pregnant or get

      • I agree. I raise my daughter to love life and the sex is part of it. I feel like I am from another planet sometimes because we can show people killing each other and torture gets a big audience but to show people loving each other that is PORN! To show love is criminal??? Violence is porn. Let us love our sisters and daughters and quit trying to hide what must be some kind of sickness.

    • the town bike? what about all the guys having sex with her aren’t they just as slutty and not worth marrying? The article he wrote makes an important point that women should be treated like equals and neither “sluts” nor “marriage worthy”. If my gf had a kid I wouldn’t bat an eye because she is a HUMAN and that’s what happens sometimes… jeez we really are stuck in the past sometimes

    • Cause of course we all know that if she has sex and enjoys it, she will automatically become a Mary goes around and have it with every one in town.

      We also all know that being a ” no sex before you’re 21″ kind of parent prevents children from having sex, or getting STDs or getting pregnant. Right? Cause only kids of parents who openly discuss sex and not banish it have these troubles. Like drugs right? Only parents who allow their kids to take drugs get drug taking kids, correct?

      Furthermore, we also know that every woman’s goal should be to get someone to marry her. And that nobody will marry a non-virgin, or at least a girl who has had more than 1 or two guys, right? Yuk! Cause after all: there are the girls we toy with and the ones we marry. We don’t marry fun people, we marry guard dogs cause they are more trustable? Or something?

      You’re the one who lives in a fictional world dude!

    • Chainsawhandz says:

      Encouraging a positive attitude about sex doesn’t automatically lead to disease and pregnancy, just like encouraging a child to play outside doesn’t lead to them automatically getting kidnapped. Spreading these paranoid fantasies only results in gap in communication and trust with your children and puts them further out of touch with reality.

    • Thank you. Teenaged girls are no more qualified to determine consensual sex than are boys of that age. Just because they do it is no reason to encourage it. The implication that if I protect me daughter from predators I’m being controlling or abusive is incredibly offensive. I raised a great daughter who married a great man with whom she had intercourse with on her wedding night for the first time. They now have 3 great kids and a really well balanced family. I think the author has issues.

      • I don’t think he implied that protecting your kids is bad. He meant that there’s a huge difference between protecting and being weirdly overprotective. The latter does nothing but scare your child out of being honest with you or confiding in you. Children are to be protected, not locked in glass towers. The point of the article went soaring right over your head.

      • Chainsawhandz says:

        Not sure if you got my point–the paranoid fantasy I was talking about was your incredibly detailed slippery slope argument, Kenneth.

        I agree that there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to protect your daughter from predators, but if you were to tell them “Don’t ever go outside–it’s evil and you probably will be kidnapped,” it would be irresponsible and damaging. Everyone outside is not a kidnapper, and every sexual partner is not a disaster waiting to happen.

        Congratulations on raising a great daughter, but if that plan came together because you intimated feeling shame with any other outcome, then it’s a bit of an empty victory.

      • that’s great for your daughter and all, but really, no one cares.

        • That’s just a stupid comment all around. I don’t agree with the guy, but he has just as much a right to share his point of view, which includes his life experiences, as anybody else.

          Just because he doesn’t agree with *you* doesn’t mean he has to keep his mouth shut.

          I’m getting sick of this “being snarky is a great debate tactic” bullshit.

      • Father of 3 says:

        Statistically speaking that wonderful daughter that married that wonderful man who had intercourse (I call it SEX) for the first time on her wedding night, has a very good chance of a) cheating on her husband, or b) divorcing (eventually) … why? Because she did not experience ANYTHING (sexually) while she was growing up, but, my guess is that you are most likely clueless and the reality is more probable that she had wild sex before getting married but lied to you to protect your feelings, or because she didn’t want you to call your own daughter a slut for enjoying sex before marriage…

        Mate you’re clueless. I would much rather be the dad that has a daughter that is honest with me and can come to me and tell me everything knowing I wont judge her, rather help her and teach her, I have morals and I have values, but I’m a realist, kids will be kids, and today, kids have alcohol and have sex and most try pot and cigarettes before they even reach the age of 18. If you think your kids didn’t try at least 2 of those things before 18, you’d very likely be wrong, or your kids just simply were to sheltered in life and now probably have issues, a skewed view on life, and when their own kids try at least 2 of those things, they will have no idea how to handle it.

        It’s sad, I imagine your daughter had a facade relationship with you because deep down she probably never felt she could “really” talk to you. Sad sad sad.

        • 18 year old Demi says:

          Not necessarily. I’m eighteen, have never had drugs, smoked a cigarette, been drunk, or kissed a guy. My parents have always been open about all of these things, and I believe that’s actually why I’ve never done any of these things. They’ve never been forbidden. I’d be free to talk to my parents about any of this stuff. They’ve offered me more alcohol than anyone else; that’s how I learned (though sips and glasses of wine and champagne at holidays) that I really hated the taste of alcohol, and I’ve always hated the smell of beer. I hate the smell of cigarettes, so no need to do that. I wouldn’t know who to go to for drugs if I wanted them, but I don’t, so it doesn’t matter. And I’m demisexual and have never been close enough to anyone to want to kiss them. Doesn’t mean I’ve been ignored. I’ve actually been felt up once, but he then realized my body language said no when he asked if he could take my first kiss from me. I didn’t consciously say no to a kiss, but he read my body language. As for the actual “feeling up” – it didn’t bother me. I didn’t care one way or the other. Didn’t get any enjoyment out of it, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable, so I just let him, even though he kept asking if I was okay with what was happening. My parents have always been open about sex. I was always free to ask them whatever questions I had, and they would answer me honestly. My mother once told me she didn’t want me to sleep around, because that could be unsafe, but that she didn’t want me to be a prude either. She wanted me to be happy and comfortable with myself. And that’s what I am.

      • Kenneth, your idea of a good marriage is that she’s married, has kids and there are no obvious issues at home ? you didn’t say she’s happy, only “well balanced family”
        you’ve spent your life protecting your daughter from harm from predators, … when did she learn about protection ?, when did she get comfortable using protection & being safe ? she’s got 3 kids, how many children does she want ?, when she & her husband have enough kids what are they going to do to prevent more children, … or are they going to be too uncomfortable to talk about it ?
        why is it that a parent letting their children learn and experience things in life to find what they want is given such negative connotations, and someone who is sheltered (not protected, but sheltered from life) someone who doesn’t know what they want, who has no idea what to compare anything with is praised ?
        why is it so hard to consider that a parent can protect their kids and allow their kids to have the freedom to experience and learn is actually beneficial to their growth and development as they get to understand the difference between a good situation and a situation that sounds good but is very dangerous?
        why is it hard to consider that a child who knows that no matter how scary the world around her is, no matter the mistakes she’s made can always come home and know she’s safe, that she can talk about whatever is on her mind and know her dad will be there for her ?
        there is a difference between informing your children about the world and letting them learn what works for them so they can make educated choices about how to protect themselves and treating your children as if they’re better off knowing nothing and thinking just because they haven’t done anything before they are the most prepaired to handle the world around them.

    • I have to agree with Kenneth to some extent. I hope this guy is also willing to take care of her AWESOME baby. Yes, she should enjoy herself, but first and foremost, above pleasure should be RESPONSIBILITY. I don’t see him mention that anywhere in his letter.

    • Awesome reply! Thanks so much. I was beginning to bleed out of my eyes until I read your comment.

  170. I love this.

  171. this is awesome, and while I feel this way about my daughter :(at least I will when she is older) I do not feel this way about my sons. I would rather they be kept as far from teen girls as possible as they are horrible horrible little creatures lol (I know I was one)(except of course those related to me, because they aren’t a threat hahahaha)
    And for those without a sense of humor please don’t read my post.

  172. Love the article, love the idea, and love the mention of genderqueers 😀

  173. 16 years later, i’m still married to the first and last man i had sex with. My kids don’t need to be “ready” by experimenting. They have bodies, minds, and souls…all of which are connected. Why give it away to someone who will be in their lives for a fleeting moment? Saddens me to see how sex is devalued. It was created to be awesome…it isn’t a bad thing. But things of huge value should be treated with respect and care. Think higher of your kids. Waiting is hard…but worth it.

  174. Standing ovation!

  175. @wacotx. As a woman I find it profoundly depressing that you are under the misapprehension that all your daughters have is their body. Really? What about their own free will and a brain? Or do you not count a womans mind as important? Please don’t tell your daughters all they have is their bodies – if they ever wish to become independant from you they may well start labouring under the false assumption that the only way they can get by in life is by using their bodies (after all it’s the only thing they have…) to make either money or trap a sugar daddy, neither of which, I’m pretty sure, you will approve of 🙂 I’m pretty sure they’d be more likely to make sensible choices if you instil in them a value of self worth and the idea they have a brain and are more than capable of making their own decisions once they are old enough instead of always having to look to you to make their decisions for them. (and for the record, I hung round with lots of teen boys when I was that age and managed not to have sex with any of them but then I also give some teen boys credit that while they may want sex a lot, quite a lot of them are also perfectly capable of not always jumping on the first thing that moves)

  176. @seriously, at no point was the author implying that there is value in having multiple partners at one time. The daughter raised by this father will not even consider such shallow encounters as she is way to proud of her sexuality to easily share it with anyone. Women who have a positive image of their body and what they can do with it, don’t easily fall into the trap of having sex for the wrong reasons.

  177. Pieter Batenburg says:

    The highest child pregnancy rates are in the areas where sex at a young age is the least accepted.
    For instance all those bible belt places.
    They will do it anyway, it is in their nature. It is in our nature. Better prepare them for it and have them enjoy it and have them do it safely.

  178. The old cliche of the dad cleaning his gun when suitors come calling isn’t to deny a daughter the right to chose who she has sex with, but to support her in warding off those with ill intentions. It’s saying, “You mess with my daughter, you’ll be answering to me” You want to raise your daughters to have good judgement, but recognize that love is blind and youth can be naive. Not that you should literally be cleaning a gun, but I do think it is a wise and loving thing for a father to want to meet her suitors, and to make it clear to them that if they make UNwanted advances, there WILL be consequences.

    • That’s supposed to be the point, but the attitude is clearly taken too far, & you also have to consider the things that AREN’T being said.

      There is next to nothing said about the daughter making her own decisions, even when she gets older.
      There is next to nothing said about a boy’s parents making sure that he “suits” a girl properly.
      There is next to nothing said about a boy’s parents making sure that a girl is right for HIM.
      There is next to nothing said about trusting the daughter or getting to know the boy. The object is just to scare him, because obviously the only reason he’d get the Hell out of that relationship is because he was secretly a rapist.

      When you boil this all down to the basics, it DOES feed into regressive, controlling notions about gender roles, & most likely comes directly from earlier customs where the father directly decided who his daughter would marry.

      No one’s saying that a father shouldn’t be concerned for his daughter. Notice that this post manages to get that message across, without sounding like a neanderthal:

      “You’re not me. Nor are you an extension of my will. And so you need to make your own damn mistakes, to learn how to pick yourself up when you fall, to learn where the bandages are and to bind up your own cuts. I’ll help. I’ll be your consigliere when I can, the advisor, the person you come to when all seems lost. But I think there’s value in getting lost. I think there’s a strength that only comes from fumbling your own way out of the darkness.”

  179. Ah, this is so refreshing because it gives me hope that there are other dads who think like this dad does. And I too am guilty of using that old “shot gun dad” trope/joke with fathers who have daughters. Not any more. Thanks for elevating the discourse.

    To the woman who teaches that sex devalues a woman’s body, I sure hope your daughter never gets raped. Because everything you are teaching would create a huge self esteem problem if it were internalized by anyone who has suffered a sexual assault.

  180. So glad that wasn’t creepy like I expected it to be.

  181. This article didn’t come across to me as an advertisement for casual sex not at all and whilst I agree that sex where heart and soul is given is one hundred times better we are human and humans make mistakes I simply think this dad acknowledges that and is allowing his daughter the right to grow and learn on her own terms but he will step in where and when he’s wanted/needed. There is nothing wrong with waiting either but I wonder how many fathers put that concept to their sons as well as daughters? Some people will wait some wont and I don’t believe either decision is ‘wrong’. Be an educator and someone your children can come to with their problems and you will probably find they will make the right choices regarding sex.

  182. Chris Houser says:

    I just came here to post that I absolutely LOVE that last line.

  183. How wonderful it would be if we lived in a world where people as enlightened as this weren’t considered abnosome but just plain AWESOME. Thank you for realizing that in order for men like you to enjoy safe sane consensual sex women like you would like your daughter to grow into being (or like she is I’m not sure how old she is/how mature SHE has decided she is) must also enjoy sex.

    Sex is good people are good. Everyone should be empowered to experience both.

  184. Being a young woman who was previously raised in a socially conservative household, I am at peace with this article. Fortunately, my family escaped the tradition at the age where I would begin to experiment with my peers. Clearly this did not abide well with a majority of my extended family who currently still have traditional views. This, in no way, is bashing my family. In fact, I love them just as much, if not more than ever before because there is a level of understanding. Does my father get red in the face at the mention of a “boy name”? Obviously he does to a certain extent. However, removing him self from the traditional sense and being surrounded my a diverse amount of beliefs and morals has made it so there is no double standard in the household between my brother and I.

  185. Being a young woman who was previously raised in a socially conservative household, I am at peace with this article. Fortunately, my family escaped the tradition at the age where I would begin to experiment with my peers. Clearly this did not abide well with a majority of my extended family who currently still have traditional views. This, in no way, is bashing my family. In fact, I love them just as much, if not more than ever before because there is a level of understanding. Does my father get red in the face at the mention of a “boy name”? Obviously he does to a certain extent. However, removing him self from the traditional sense and being surrounded my a diverse amount of beliefs and morals has made it so there is no double standard in the household between my brother and I.

  186. Oh, wait, your Dad is into “polyamory”*. I’m so, so sorry.

    *A word meaning “swinger” that white liberals like.

    • You are a dolt. There is a HUGE difference between ‘swinging’ and ‘polyamory’. I practice neither but I am educated enough to know things like that before I speak.

      Swinging is essentially when a couple will have other partners by agreement and get enjoyment from their partner enjoying someone else. Sometimes people swap partners and sometimes they go to parties but it definitely is not the same as polyamory. Swinging is about the sex; more or less.

      Polyamory is about the relationship dynamic; it is having more than one emotional bond and the people involved all tend to consider themselves to be significant to each other person in the relationship in some form.

      • In practice, they are essentially the same thing. Someone could be “poly amorous” without having the feelings you ascribe to the practice & one could be a “swinger” who does have those feelings about what they are doing. The real difference is that the “poly amorous” have probably been through a graduate program while the “swinger” empties the garbage in their offices.

    • And how does this contribute to anything at all? And polyamory is a word meaning polyamory that people who like using the right word for the right purpose like. Nobody’s trying to hide anything by using the correct term for a specific lifestyle.

      • Tautology much?

        • Well, yes, that was kind of the point.

          • Yup. C-grade post structuralist philosophy. Enhanced interrogation is not torture. Collateral damage is not tragic. And polyamory is beautiful beyond all words. Just slap a new name on things and they turn awesome. It’s funny that ‘deep intellectual stuff’ basically just mimics old marketing tactics. It’s not sludge…. It’s Milorganite.

  187. I liked this perspective but I can’t help but think that some people need to at least understand that every time you do have sex it will stay with you and take a piece of you.
    You might not realize it then but you will understand later on. There is a reason that parents (who have been wild teens themselves) don’t want their kids having sex until a certain age.
    They realize how much it takes out of you. It shouldn’t be taboo to be conservative these days…

  188. From an evolutionary perspective, it’s quite simple; female promiscuity gives cause for men to fear cuckholdry & to suspect, furthermore, that said female will be less likely than a normally adjusted, non-promiscuous female, to maintain long-term relationships (modern social science bears this out). This immediately renders the female less desirable than her counterparts.We can seek to out-liberalize one another all day, but no right thinking man is cool with the idea of their wife or girlfriend having lots of partners. If you deny this, I’m sorry, you’re just lying.
    Given that we know these behaviors will harm our daughters chances at landing the highest quality mate, what reason do we have to encourage them? Does “enjoyment” cover that risk? Oxytocin , the “bonding hormone” floods our brains during (in women, mostly after) sex. It’s a beautiful thing, but it doesn’t ask our permission to make itself present; in casual or otherwise less than committed sex it comes barging in just the same. This means the emotional fall out from relational disarray is felt just as keenly as it otherwise would. I just read a study that found the number one reason cited by females for dropping out of college had to do with these kinds of fall outs. Most of us have been there, I imagine, or at least don’t find it too difficult to imagine.
    But anyhow, “enjoyment”. I’m 34. I slept with a handful of women before settling down in my mid 20s. I recall nothing of the sexual enjoyment I don’t doubt I experienced. I do recall the awkwardness & pain that came with all of those relationships ( even the very casual ones), however. So this “enjoyment” is transitory, totally impermanent & is fraught with various stressors.
    Ultimately, this essay reads more like a backhanded apologia for the Fathers behaviors/desires. It has very little to do with the emotional realities of young people & nothing at all to do with how most well-adjusted & fully committed adults enjoy sex ( & certainly the author is aware of the myriad social science research done on sexual satisfaction, in which committed adults report the most thereof).

    • What you described as being a part of evolution is actually just a part of human made cultures, and is not universal. It has nothing to do with the long history or biology of human evolution. There are in fact many men, and entire societies, where promiscuity for either gender is not condemned and does not stop either from “landing a mate”. There is a strong case to be made biologically that women are more designed for multiple partners than men are, which is likely part of what led patriarchal societies to want to have such rigid control over female sexuality.

      Thankfully you reveal that you view your previous sexual history as being both awkward and painful. I’m truly sorry you had those experiences. But that isn’t universal. Those are your experiences, and they clearly have colored your view on sex and relationships negatively. There are those of us with promiscuous pasts that look back with great fondness and joy on many of our previous sex partners.

      But you also revealed that you aren’t capable of understanding any relationships outside of traditional serial monogamy, and just lump everything else together.

      • Evidence indicates that the first agrarian cultures settled into monogamy very early on. While promiscuity may be practiced in a few remote corners, it certainly mitigates against what we now call civilization ( the promiscuous noble savages are always observed by those who’ve benefitted from civilizations essentially made by monogamy ).
        As for my relationships before settling down, I’d suggest that awkwardness & emotional unease is a much more common experience than yours & is explicable via reams of social research and evolutionary theory, which suggests to me that anyone who’s never experienced these things may have some kind of deficiency, or other issues, that make it either more difficult connect (oxytocin will not inspire emotional response in the most promiscuous , studies show) or a greater emotional avoidance capacity.

  189. Michelle McKinney says:

    This article and your veiws and support of sex for your daughter’s life is amazing. I was licky to grow up like this but society has taught us sex is wrong. We create or own hang ups. If she can go out, know herself, her body and her mind. She will have the most fantastic life. For the other “people” on the comments. This was an article about sex, parental support and installing good self respect. Please read the letter and and make comments pertaining to that subject. You are an incredible father. Please tell her I said she is a VERY lucky girl to have such a supportive and open minded supporter.

  190. This guy is awesome. Dad of the universe. The fact that one like this exists gives me hope for a better future.

  191. I have daughters and have spoken with them about sex. I let them know that boys are only after one thing at their age and that is sex. In my opinion, my girls have all their lives to have consensual sex as an adult. Conversely, they only have a limited time to be a kid. I encourage my girls to be girls and to enjoy being a girl. I encourage them to wait until they are adults before they have sex.

    I’ve seen what sex does to girls and boys. It changes their focus and drive. After the positive experience, they will want to experience it as often as they can. My daughters’ bodies are all they have, giving it to just anybody devalues what they have to offer. imo So I totally disagree with this article. and all of you who don’t mind your kids having sex, shame on you…encouraging your kids to have sex…what is the world coming to? smh

    • It doesn’t devalue your daughter’s bodies if they share them with someone, like Ferret said “It doesn’t lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn’t degrade you to have some of your own.” Your daughters will have sex someday, and the point this man is getting across is when they do they should be ready, and not expect to receive guilt from a figure they respect, a figure who has told them that the act they have committed devalues them.

    • I am sure when your daughters do have sex they will be very comforted by the fact that at least one of their parents think that the act they have shared with another “devalues what they have to offer”, essentially devaluing them. What great words of encouragement to seed in growing minds.

      • Sorry I thought that first post got lost to my internet being terrible, didn’t mean to say a similar thing twice.

      • “I am sure when your daughters do have sex they will be very comforted by the fact that at least one of their parents think that the act they have shared with another “devalues what they have to offer””

        … and further comforted to know that the very same parent thinks that their body is “all they have” to offer in the first place! As a woman, that thought is incredibly offensive.

        While I respect the idea wacotx07 brings up of letting kids be kids (however, in no way do I read in this article an encouragement to have sex before one is ready), the fact that there are still a contingent of people who believe a woman is only defined by the sum of her reproductive parts, and that allowing multiple people access to one’s reproductive parts devalues one’s personhood, is pretty upsetting to me. Newsflash: Women are not like cars. Our mileage does not make our trade in value lower by the click of the odometer.

        • Indeed. Seriously people, no body needs to think that they all of a sudden lost market value if they had sex. Is guarding access to her private parts savagely the only thing a woman has to do to be worth hanging out for in your world?

          Who thinks like that anymore? And who says if she has sex with someone she will have sex with everyone in town? That’s silly.

          The only thing that’s not covered in the article, and it’s not really its point anyways, is the fact that often sex is a kind of impulsive thing that may be fun on the spot but can be regretted later for all kinds of reason; and given that teenagers are already impulsive people, it makes it even more potentially regrettable. But the regret shouldn’t come from the feeling that you gave out your marbles and now you’ve got nothing to trade for! Discussing the potential reasons for post-sex regret is what a parent should do. Pregnancy and stds are theo easy ones to prep for guys, and mostparent dont even have those covered properly… the other ones, deception, disappointment, judgement, betrayal, abuse, hurt, etc are much more intangible and there is no pill or condom or Anything to help prevent those.

    • Your daughters’ bodies are “all that they have”? What, you mean they don’t have minds? No intellect, no talents, no interests or goals or personalities? Only their bodies?

      I’m not sure who to feel more sorry for, you for having that awful attitude about girls and women, or your daughters (and your wife, assuming you have one) for having to deal with a man who objectifies women the way you do.

    • PDXSerric says:

      We were all at that age once and we all know that kids are going to have sex. They are going to explore. No, one should not encourage their kids to have sexual intercourse but they shouldn’t try to stop it, either. We all know (all too well) that the easiest way to get a teenager to do something is to tell them they shouldn’t or can’t do it at all.

      What we should be doing is teaching our kids how to have SAFE and CONSENSUAL sex. Both our sons and daughters.

      • seriously says:

        Given the current incidence of sexually transmitted diseases and the near impossibility of achieving 100% protection from them, the only SAFE sex is with one and only one partner who likewise has had no other partners. Just sayin’.

        • 1. That is not a realistic goal. If you’re expecting to spend the rest of your life with this person, you’re probably not going to find “The One” on the first try.
          2. That’s really paranoid. STDs are not some kind of epidemic, & in any case, the diseases that can’t be treated are in the extreme minority. You obviously want to avoid them, but fearing sex to the extent that you want to write off all non-virgins is an overreaction.
          3. “Anything that isn’t perfect is a complete waste of time!” Lolno.
          4. Even ignoring all of this, I don’t know where you get the idea that “one & only one” virgin partner is somehow safer than multiple. If no one has an STD, no one is getting an STD, because there is no one to catch the disease from.
          5. Also, no matter how careful you are, your partner can always lie to you about their sexual history. Best to take reasonable precautions, instead of relying on mere paranoia to protect you, which it can’t.

        • There’s an orthodoxy here which says:
          If you tell your kids to do something, they’ll rebel, so don’t tell them not to have sex.
          If you tell your kids about safe sex, on the other hand, they will certainly listen to that advice, because you are a cool dad who likes to rap about sex.
          If you discourage your kids from having sex at a young age, this will cause them to get pregnant and sick.
          Sex is natural and good and should and a normal part of human existence.
          Pregnancy, on the other hand, is not a normal part of human existence.
          Wasting time on things like love, respect, intimacy, respect yourself, or any message that could impede the message that sex is something you should do at your whim is going to do irreparable damage you your children and the universe.
          Yes, there are complicated, ugly, and abusive patterns that correlate with sex, but most of these would go away if only our children understood consent.

          The dogma isn’t all that sensible. But it’s a new system of thought. So, give it some time, and eventually it will either drive itself into extinction or mutate into some sort mystical wisdom… That all these poor kids will reject, much to their parent’s disappointment.

    • Milena Scekic says:

      “My daughters’ bodies are all they have, giving it to just anybody devalues what they have to offer.” This is one of the most ignorant and harmful things I’ve ever heard. I wonder how it would make your daughters feel to hear you say that all they have to offer are their bodies. Do you feel like your own body is your only instrument of power?

      Further, this article in no way suggests that little girls should be sleeping around. It merely implies that parents shouldn’t endeavour to keep their children in pristine glass cages. Moreover, girls in particular should not be made to feel that their sexuality will be the bane of their existence if they do not deploy it in the most perfectly socially accepted manner.

      Your comment is less outrageously ignorant than many I’ve read, but it always boggles my mind how silly the average person is. I’m sure you care deeply for your daughters, which is lovely. But for the sake of their self-esteem and long-term psycho-sexual health, please don’t tell them that their only worth lies in their bodies and that sex will diminish their value as human beings.

    • I think you’ve misunderstood the intention of this article. The author isn’t encouraging children to have sex but, rather, instilling in his daughter and other young women, the idea that sex isn’t wrong or devaluing.

      Listen, I’m not a mum. I’m just a twenty-something female. My dad still clings to the idea that I’m a virgin and I’ve seen how that “purity is value,” culture can destroy a young girls’ sense of worth.
      I understand why you’d encourage your daughter to have safe sex, monogamous sex and why you’d even encourage your daughter to abstain from sex until she was financially/emotionally mature enough to deal with the ramifications but, at the end of the day, that’s not the world we live in.
      If my mum ever suggested that my worth was based upon my body alone, I’d feel completely devalued. Why? Because a parent is meant to be your support system. I’m proud of myself, and I’d like to think that my parents are too; recognizing my accomplishments (academic and otherwise), my life-experiences (positive or negative; I’ve learnt from them either way), my mind, my good heart and, lastly, my morals and values.

      Sex isn’t a commodity, it’s an experience. It’s not the hokey, beautiful thing that W Network films suggest it is, nor is it the raunchy, STD-filled experience you’ll fear for your daughters.
      Teach them about protection, teach them about choosing a good partner, and breathe. When you raise a strong daughter, she’ll make a strong woman’s choices.

    • Thefuture says:

      You mam, should not reproduce. Kids will have sex, it’s natural. You have the choice to give healthy advice and promote a healthy relationship with her partner, or treat her like your property and push your kid away, force her to be sneaky and secret about her sex life and make her have no one to run to when shit goes bad. And with your mentality, shit will go bad often. Once your generation of stupid fucks dies out, hopefuly we can start having healthy parenting practices.

    • “My daughters’ bodies are all they have, giving it to just anybody devalues what they have to offer.”

      Do your daughters’ not have minds as well? ALL they have to offer is their bodies? Did you raise vegetables or humans?

      “and all of you who don’t mind your kids having sex, shame on you…encouraging your kids to have sex…what is the world coming to? smh”

      You didn’t understand the author’s point at all… Sad, because it is a very simple and straightforward point.

    • WacoTx07, Did you read what you posted? My daughter’s bodies are all they have. ALL they have? What about their minds, their drive, their intelligence, their dreams, and countless other things that they have to offer the world. I feel sorry that you objectify them because how can they believe in themselves when the person that is supposed to love and support them the most has already sold them short? It is one thing to be close minded, but I think maybe you should lay off the Kool-Aid. (I apologize for the Waco reference, it was just too easy, and I couldn’t resist.

      SMH… SRSLY?

    • WacoTx07, Did you read what you posted? My daughter’s bodies are all they have. ALL they have? What about their minds, their drive, their intelligence, their dreams, and countless other things that they have to offer the world. I feel sorry that you objectify them because how can they believe in themselves when the person that is supposed to love and support them the most has already sold them short? It is one thing to be close minded, but I think maybe you should lay off the Kool-Aid. (I apologize for the Waco reference, it was just too easy, and I couldn’t resist.

      SMH… SRSLY?

    • It isn’t encouraging kids to have sex. It is encouraging parents to realize that young adults are going to live life, their own life. It is encouraging girls and woman to know what is consent and to own your own actions.

    • Wow, who considers their daughter’s body to be the only thing they have to offer?

    • I agree with you. The majority of teens are out to experience as much fun as possible, but sex is playing with emotions younger kids are not prepared to handle, and if you are encouraging them to wait and letting them know why, I think they might be able to agree with you as well. There can be emotional damage from the drama surrounding it, as well as emotional desires like love and lust that they have no experience with and no background on how to deal with. Most parents go overboard and overprotective, banning sex with little explanation. In the least, if you explain why you are encouraging them to wait, and what happens if they don’t, even if they decide to have sex sooner then they will have your advice to fall back on, which won’t hurt. I think people underestimate the traumatic emotional damage sex can have on a developing mind, it impacts their view of relationships, friendships, and their own personal views, and should be treated with the same respect you seem to give it.

    • Per Gradin says:

      What’s wrong in your argument is that sex devalues you and phrases like ” you only have one body”. Teaching kids that sex is “wrong” is not right, since sex is not bad. However teaching kids to be careful and not to use sex as a tool is more important. If we try to take away the concept that having sex alot makes you “a slut” and similar things, I think we are on the right track. I have nothing but respect for fathers who can encourage their daughters to have sex. You are a brave bunch.

    • I don’t agree at all! Like many people have pointed out you are defined and have more than just your body to offer. But I’m not going to focus on that point, I’ll try to make a point that hasn’t been repeated as much.

      I think it’s devaluing to men to say that as a teenager all they want from a girl is sex. As I’m toward the end of my teenage years I can say, sure, they really like sex, but nearly everybody does. Men are more complex than that. I’ve had a couple beautiful relationships as a teenager that were far deeper than getting laid, and I at no point felt as if they were dating me for sex, and that’s not uncommon at all. Men want love just as much as women.

      What really matters is education on contraception, STDs, abuse, and consent in my opinion.
      And I don’t know what ‘focus and drive’ you are referring to changes either.
      Their drive changes because they want more sex? I wanted more sex too after I had it, but it didn’t change me as a person it was just another thing in life I could enjoy. My grades didn’t dip lower, I didn’t start partying, I didn’t suddenly think drugs sounded great. The only thing that changed was I could do something new and intimate with somebody I love and share pleasure with them.

      Teenagers are just the same as adults when it comes to love and sex. They want and enjoy both, the only difference is they’re more immature when it comes to both topics and a part of being a teenager is to experience both (if you feel ready) and to grow and mature.
      Your girls are kids anymore. They’re young adults, they will never play Barbies again and you as a parent have to respect that and give them a longer leash to explore the world and life experiences while they’re not completely independent so they have better security system when life hurts them as it hurts everyone. So, like the article points out, they have someone they can go to when it’s too much and learn to walk on two feet by themselves as well.

    • “My daughters’ bodies are all they have”?!!!!!

      Dear Lord. Is this really what you think of them?

      • I took it as more of an existentialist observation. Consciousness, rights, biological life… Are rooted in the body. If you let someone borrow a book and it gets wrecked, oh well, it’s a book and you can get another one. If your body gets wrecked by someone who is playing around with you…. That’s another story.

        If I were telling my kid that eating is a human right (it is), so go out and eat whatever you want, as much as you want, even if it is shocking and horrifying…. People would be right to point out the irresponsibility of such a parent. Eating is fun and eating is good and eating is necessary. But there are sensible limits to everything and positive habits, and a parent who has never bothered with limits and habits, in turn, tells their kids to do likewise….. Is being a selfish parent.

        I’ll teach my kids that they are a divine creation, as are all other people on this planet, as is the very reality they inhabit. And, right, I’m sure this will ruin their lives and ruin the world…. Because, obviously, we aren’t supposed to think about anything.

    • A childhood is a contingent separate from the state of sex and sexual desires and by absent-mindedly lumping the two together, you’ve formed an incoherent argument that treats the body and mind as a whole and not a complex set of social nuances.

      What you’ve missed is that the author of this article is deconstructing that difficult, difficult age where kids become teenagers and they’re lost in a jungle of conflicting messages all of which rage against there innate desires to start reproduction and the joys that come with it. Especially now, where 12 year olds can access images and videos of lifestyles that can become normalised (I refer to detritus ‘Georgie Shore’ etc), it’s more important than ever to attempt to level with our kids, to let them know ‘we get it’. And this man, rather than repeating the cliche ‘it was the same in our day’ has very touchingly reached out to his daughter so she has a hand in the jungle. It’s fucking beautiful. How can you not see that?

  192. Yes. 🙂

  193. I have two daughters. Sex? Not at young ages and not in my house. Our State has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation and our welfare is through the roof and many of these children statistically end up in foster homes, shelters, drug addiction or juvenile detention.

    They can have all the sex they want once they’re mature enough to understand the ramifications and responsibilities that comes with making such decisions. Right now they’re far too young, and if folks think 9 – 14 year old’s should be having “healthy” sexual lives they’re either mentally challenged or live in delusion. Boys testosterone is through the roof throughout their younger years and many are not interested in long term relationships. I applaud FERRETT STEINMETZ for this article and for his more honest view on the reality that exists for our children. You allow your children a little rope and you let them make mistakes to learn how to grow up and as a parent, you are not their best friend, you are their parent. It is your job to be that “safe” place. With that said this is how I parent (I have two sons as well):

    We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between:
    A man who flatters her and a man who compliments her.
    A man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her.
    A man who views her as property and a man who views her properly.
    A man who lusts after her and a man who loves her.
    A man who believes he is God’s gift to women and a man who remembers a woman was God’s gift to man.
    And then teach our boys to be that kind of man.

  194. Christina says:

    Great article!!!!! Thank you for being an awesome parent! I really wish there were a lot more like you!!
    I was raised by a single mom, and she taught me this lesson. That intercourse is natural and there will come a time when I will want to take part. She also taught my sister and I about the consequences of making decisions, and more importantly how to make decisions wisely for ourselves. We never had “The Talk”, rather we had an ongoing conversation over many, many years. It was easy and natural to talk about intercourse, relationships, diseases, pregnancies, choices, and more….
    With this knowledge and with great confidence in myself I was 17 years old before I said yes to my boyfriend of almost 2 years. We didn’t just “have sex” but actually made love because we were doing it for the right decisions – for us.
    Now I am a single mom raising two girls after my marriage of 10 years ended. My daughters are 8 and 5 and we already take time to talk about girls bodies and boys bodies and how babies are made. This is the conversation that in time blends seamlessly into the discussion about making decisions and standing by those decisions.
    So please parents, do not teach your children to be *obedient*… teach them RESPONSIBILITY!! We should be teaching them HOW to make choices by considering the consequences and being certain that they are willing and capable of taking responsibility for those consequences. There are far too many who believe the myths – “it can’t happen the first time…” or worse “it won’t happen to me….”

  195. man this article tries to take all of the fun out of terrifying my daughters boyfriends! i’m obviously still going to do this to the first few. playfully, but maybe only fun for me. paying for all those extra shopping trips and bras and panties and tampons etc will all be worth it once i intimidate the shit out of these dudes!

  196. Anonymous says:

    To all of those ivory tower believers:

    Sex was always a very taboo topic in my household. I was always taught to wait until I got married. For whatever reason, the topic of oral sex was never broached, so I felt obligated to at 14 when my 16 year old scumbag boyfriend shoved my face down there in a movie theater. Years later (and other boyfriends), I was still a virgin at the age of 20. A boy I was with asked me to have sex one night while we were in bed, and I said no. It wasn’t that my body didn’t want sex – but I wanted it to be with someone special. The next night he asked at a point where he was already taking my clothes off. I was too scared to say no, but I certainll didn’t say yes. I froze out of fear and underpreparedness. After that, he joked and smiled that we weren’t virgins anymore. I went and took a shower and sat on the bathroom floor and cried and cried. The “relationship” continued and it was consensual sometimes but after awhile, I figured out my self-respect and one time, I was clutching my pants on and yelling no but he ripped them off and raped me anyway.

    The point of telling you all of this is that I suffered for 3 years afterward from major depression (the mental abuse extended beyond just sex issues) that culminated in me going to an outpatient mental health program. Only then, I was able to tell my parents what happened to me. They asked why I never told them when it happened. I told them that it was because I was so afraid they would be mad that I actually had sex (whether consensual or not).

    Please don’t do this to your daughters.

  197. Valter Viglietti says:

    Awesome article, awesome father! Bravo!!! 😀

  198. There is only one rule regarding consensual sex. If you date your mates brother/sister you have to marry them.

    Thats it.

  199. This is exactly the philosophy my wife and I have applied when raising our daughter. She is now in college and has been dating for a few years now. We knew that as she became an adult it was likely that she would experiment and experience sex on her own terms and in her own ways and we considered it foolish not to prepare her as best as possible. This does not mean we encouraged her to become sexually active and our general rule was to answer her questions as completely and fully as she wished without being the ones to necessarily start the conversation (although in some cases we did approach the issue ourselves). This attitude has fostered a trust in us and a confidence in herself that has held her in good stead as she starts to live on her own and is faced with the choices that adults inevitably encounter throughout their lives – sexual and otherwise.

    She has expressed gratitude that we were so open and helpful in her sexual development and this has allowed her to come to us with problems or concerns that she might otherwise have hidden from us out of fear of reproach or reprisal. Our relationship with her is excellent and our confidence in her ability to make good, well-informed choices gives us great peace of mind. Not to mention that we are also confident that if she ever finds herself in a situation where she is scared, hurt or confused she knows she can come to us and find that haven and help that is mentioned in the article.

    Some parents (and other non-parent adults) have expressed confusion or even outrage at our support of her seeking her own sexual happiness. Some of her friends have said it is weird for her to be so open with her parents with her questions and even stranger for us to answer them. But we believe we did the right thing when talking to her about consent, the kinds of issues she will face, what good and supportive sexual relationships are like, what bad ones are like, etc. I don’t know if anyone else who has raised their daughter with a hope that she will be sexually healthy and fulfilled has experienced some of the negative feedback from other parents or their children’s friends that we have. But if so we applaud you for having the courage to write about this subject publicly.

    I have often found the protective attitude that many fathers apply to their daughters sexuality to be disheartening and even creepy. On the purest level it strikes me as a throwback to the days of seeing daughters as property whose purity needed to be maintained to secure the best possible bride price. I’ve never liked it and I’m glad to find other fathers who don’t as well. Thank you again for writing this article.

    • Christina says:

      Saul, that’s awesome!

      My mom was that parent who was open and honest and she would answer all our questions, no matter how off the wall they were…. but what was also cool was that my friends knew my mom was like this, and they would come talk to her too because they couldn’t get these straight answers at their homes!!

  200. Beautiful post. Now, my own daughters are not nearly old enough for this to yet apply, however, I believe this with my whole heart. I one day will no longer have any control over them and what they choose. They will never hear me “joke” that they can’t date until they are 30 or that I won’t “allow” them to have sex until they are married. That’s not up to me. I hope to raise and educate them in such a way that they fumble and hurt as little as possible and have the tools and knowledge needed to make the wisest choices they can, but I do not ever want them to feel that I am judging them or controlling them. They will make their own choices and live their own lives and I am hopeful that I can raise them in such a way that gives them wisdom, confidence and the knowledge that they will always be able to come to me for help and support about absolutely anything. That I view them as individual people, not my property. That I can be trusted. That I am a safe space.

  201. Bernard Gui says:

    In a nutshell, this article is all that is wrong with the world.
    We sow the wind, and we are reaping the whirlwind.

  202. AMEN! AMEN! and AMEN!!! BEAUTIFUL! I believe this is the way God Herself feels about and for us.

  203. Given that a humans brain is not fully developed until at least 23, meaning that a young person is not ready to make decisions that may have life long consequences, I believe it is my job to guide, direct and advise my children.
    I would hope they learn there is more to life, when young, than sex and relationships. I would hope they travel, explore, see the world, etc as a priority, not jump into bed.

    • Quite honestly, the brain is certainly well-developed enough to make decisions long before the age of 23. In fact, human beings have been making adult decisions and younger ages than that for millennia. Parental guidance and advice is fine, but it looks to me like that is exactly what the father in this article IS providing. Blanket prohibitions “because I say so” =/= advice and guidance.

    • Lenora Rose says:

      Why can’t they do both? Why can’t they travel and see the world and have (safe) sex?

      Also, as the other person said, advice and guidance about a major part of the adult human experience doesn’t actually mean the same thing as encouraging it to happen EARLY. I just said in a prior comment that my experience is the opposite; having advice and guidance probably made me choose to lose my virginity later.

  204. Daniele C. says:

    You sound like you’re not only her safe space, but also a parent with whom it is worth sharing the positive discoveries and people. Like a dad a daughter would WANT to share good things with, in fact.

    Bravo! And thanks for speaking up so that maybe those other misguided moms and dads will “get” it…

  205. Great alternate pov but as a dad of 6 kids (5 girls) Im not sure I agree with Ferrett that my choices are to either a) lock my daughters in a glass room or b) let them experience sex and all the pleasure it brings. There are so many experiences in life that all the sex in the world will come to them when they are ready. Why rush anything.

    I also would say that the tower is there to also keep unwanted out.

    • Trevor, no young woman should be placed in a tower, period. It’s her body and her life, and Mr. Steinmetz is a very wise man to realize that. Sex can be a beautiful and pleasurable thing, and no parent has the right to deny his or her adult daughter (or son) the freedom to experience it. Rather than making sex a taboo topic, Steinmetz is making himself a helpful and supportive resource for his daughter. I think that’s beautiful, and sends a very loving message. He’s saying that he trusts his daughter to make intelligent choices, to know herself and her own desires, and to accept both her desires and the responsibility that accompanies them.

      My own father did much the same thing back in the 1980s when I was a young woman. While my mother was busy having histrionics over the idea that I might lose my virginity before I married and that this would be a Horrible Thing… my father simply took me aside and reminded me that he had not in fact been virgin when he met my mother and that in his eyes, sex was something worthwhile for both men and women… that I shouldn’t feel ashamed for doing it or wanting it, but that I should simply exercise caution and good sense in my choice of partners.

      I had sex for the first time when I was 19, when I decided I was ready. I chose the time, place and circumstances… and can report that it was very empowering to control that aspect of my life rather than having it be controlled by others.

      I’m 49 now and completely comfortable with myself as a sexual being. I *still* choose the time, place and circumstances of my sex life, and am thankful for having been taught that early on.

      • I think that no one should be locked in a tower under duress in any way shape or form. I am not sure when protecting our young was contorted into holding against their will. I would also say that whether you grew up with strict parents, protective parents or liberal parents we seem to be all walking around ok these days. We have an innate way in dealing with our situations. It is what makes us who we are.

        In the end whether I agree or disagree with the topic this is a great article from the authors point of view that has created conversations with everyone. Which is what i am sure he intended to do.

    • Lenora Rose says:

      Actually, I was taught (by my mother) that sex was a positive thing and a thing to look forward to, and to do safely, and that she’d support me up to and including helping me get the pill when it was that time. (Which she did.) She cared a great deal that I did the right thing at the right time with the right person. She didn’t try to stop me doing anything with the people I dated by locking me up. She did it by giving me knowledge.

      The result of that security? Well, without going into specifics, I lost my virginity most likely two years LATER than I would have if sex had been something I had to be clandestine about being curious about. And in a much safer way. I’d already broken up with two boys because I wasn’t ready to lose my virginity to them. because I knew enough to know my mind. I knew my mind because if I had questions I had someone and somewhere to turn that could give me good advice.

      I always wonder why people assume that telling your daughter not to be ashamed of having sexual desire or curiosity is going to mean they have sex sooner. It seems to me that most of the people I know had sex earlier either had parents who didn’t care what their kids did, or couldn’t talk to them about being safe, or worst of all, tried to smother any hint of information about sex because it’s dirty and wrong.

    • PDXSerric says:

      As a father I see your point pretty clearly. We want to give our kids options to express themselves and seek out their potential and protect them from harm at the same time. The problem is, that’s an insurmountable feat most of the time!

      How one raises their own child doesn’t matter as long as it is done with love and a genuine intent to protect. However, we can only protect them so much and know that we have to let them stumble and fall a few times just so they can learn to pick themselves back up. There will come a time when our little girls are interested in other things besides daddy and ponies and we must be prepared to give them the lessons and education they need to safely explore these things.

      Yes,a tower is there to protect. But as with any princess, they will want to escape that tower sooner or later. That is when we have to make the decision:: are we their protectors or their jailors?

  206. Absolutely brilliant. I love every word this man said!

  207. Michelle K says:

    This made me cry. I wish my parents could feel this way, they are missing a whole really wonderful part of my life.

  208. Yes. Yes. Yes. Wonderful Article!

  209. absolutely love this article. what a beautiful perspective – If I could hug Ferrett Steinmetz right now, I would.
    beautiful.

  210. PDXSerric says:

    Okay, as a father of a now 21 year old daughter, I can appreciate this as I have had similar conversations with her. I would add, however, and he may have outside of this message, that consensual sex is a two way thing: never “give in” because he is pushy and never – NEVER – have sex without him wearing protection. If he hasn’t any, or says he doesn’t like it without protection, say no. This point was a little difficult to press with my own kin and she was at that age where she thought that getting pregnant was the worst that could happen so if she was on the pill everything was okay. it took a few conversations to get her to realize that getting pregnant wasn’t the worst of her worries, but contracting STDs which could scar her for life – literally – even to the point where she may not ever be able to have children even if she wanted to seemed to stick home.

    The biggest kudos I can give Mr Steinmetz and all fathers who have this conversation with their daughters is at least they had the love and courage to swallow their pride and get over the masculine embarrassment which usually builds walls between a father and a daughter rather than build bridges. With that said, however, the onus is not just on the girl (two way thing, remember?) Fathers of sons need to impress the importance of respecting the opposite sex, having “the talk’ with their sons in genuine, press the importance of condoms and ensure that they never – NEVER – try to force their desire upon others at any point. No really does mean no.

    Only by parents of both sexes talking with their kids can we ensure a safer future for everyone.

    • Mr Jackman says:

      If we can agree on one thing…. That male sexuality is in general not selfish, brutal and ungrateful, and that boys can say no as well, and that a girl who forces herself on a man is just as disqusting as anybody else forces themselves on someone.

      I kind of get a double standard here, that girls are ignorant and boys are selfish, and I don’t like that at all. Both girls and boys wants to have sex, and it’s equally beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.

      • PDXSerric says:

        Agreed. But I have to say, SO much focus is on the girls as far as education and so little is given to the boys that it seems lopsided to me.

    • YES!

    • We need to teach our children the rules f consent…no isn’t always able to be said…people (men and women) need to realize when it’s implied and just not do it.

    • PDXSerric- Your comments are the perfect supplement to this article and I want to compliment and thank both you and Mr. Steinmetz for voicing them so eloquently.

  211. Jeff Harlan says:

    Great article. Now just don’t support abortion if there’s a “mistake”. Okay? Can we at least agree on that?

    • No we can not agree on that.

    • Sok Puppette says:

      No, that would be stupid.

    • I can’t believe you followed such a great article with such a small minded comment.

    • No.

    • no

    • *clap, clap, clap* This is right on. Sex+, baby.

    • *clap, clap, clap* This is right on. Sex+, baby.

    • There won’t be any agreement on that. The people who aggressively evangelize on the healthy, natural dignified pleasure of human sexuality in all of its expressions typically do not approve of the healthy, dignified forms of human life in all of its expressions. If you unwanted, you don’t exist. It’s true in Guantanamo…. It’s true in retirement homes…. It’s true if you are in gestation… It’s true if you are a black teenager with low grades waiting for a heart transplant… You just aren’t real.

      • This is the most ridiculous, ignorant statement I have read.

      • And why should we praise parenting that encourages children to only indulge in all the pleasures of life but shirk any responsibility or discomfort that may come as a result of that indulgence?

    • No.

    • Alaina Polhemus says:

      No, it will not be agreed on. You should teach your children safe Alex instead of making it confusing and absent from their lives. Abortion should still be an option, but it should also be a rare choice to make.

      • I didn’t like this article at all. I have seen how abortions, right or wrong, have haunted women 30 plus years after the fact. Sex isn’t wrong but it also isn’t something to do with every Joe walking down the street. Condoms break. AIDS is on the rise. Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving. Sexual warts, HPV, STD’s are there and everyone should be responsible and educate kids about the risks involved. I will be proactive with my child and education rather than watch and let her make irreversible mistakes. Sex isn’t cheap and conversely can be a beautiful expression between two people in love.

        • Not sure you read the article, no where did it say he wasn’t educating his daughter about protection. In fact, the opposite. By being open and understanding that sex is natural and is going to happen, he can talk to her about protection. By not thinking of sex as a bad thing that she shouldn’t be doing he can talk to her about protection. He never said he is turning a blind eye to what his daughter does. And by accepting sex as a beautiful and natural ok thing to do, you are not becoming someone who will sleep with anyone. And it you do want to sleep with a bunch of people that’s ok too as long as you are being safe. Condoms are extremely effective if used properly, which we can only ensure if we teach people how. There is a difference between controlling your child so they don’t make mistakes and teaching them how not to, or how to deal with them if they do. This is a beautifully written piece.

        • Patrick Rizzuto says:

          I have seen unwanted children born to mothers who did not want abortion (or in fact were denied it as an option) “haunt” women as well…as well as the kids themselves. You really need to mature your thinking. It is true that abortion led to a negative outcome in some cases, but those cases are a distinct minority – the vast majority are invisible blips on the radar, and considering the fact that these are medical procedures intended merely to maintain the status quo in the mother’s life, I’d say that invisibility to the public at large is perfect. You judge the merits of an action using statistics, not anecdotes. One example will only ever be one example.

          • Because the way to judge whether the outcome of an abortion was “positive” or “negative”, as you say, is all based on how it affects the woman, right?

            ….as opposed to the would-be child that was killed…

          • I’m guessing you dont have kids.I have never met a parent who regrets the birth of their child, while the ranks of pro-life movements are full of women who regret destroying their children growing in their wombs.

            • I have not met the mothers… but as a child my parents opened their homes to the children of such mothers… the 2-year-old boy with the inch thick medical history, the three-year-old boy covered in cigarette burn scars, the five-(-ish?) year old girl found in a box, the other 5-year-old girl that was a walking encyclopedia of abuses… that is just a small sampling of the brothers and sisters I had as an adolescent.

              And our home was one of a fair number, but still not enough homes for all the battered, neglected, and yes, very much unwanted children in the world. Thirty years later, most of them scattered who knows where, and I still think of them as my brothers and sisters, not “fosters”. Do their mothers think of them? Some might. Others, I’m nearly certain, did not.

            • Ullani, I’m sure tou have actually met many parents who regret having kids. You were just unable to read the signs.

              Personally, I am a parent and it was the worst decision of my life. However, saying so out loud or in public is not socially acceptable, so those who regret having kids generally suffer in silence. Despite my lack of desire for kids and my regret about having one, I’m determined to be the best father I can. Many “regreted” kids aren’t so luck and become the victims of abuse (verbal, psychological, or physical).

        • You didn’t really get the point of this article, did you? In fact, it looks like you read a totally different article. I applauded this mans mature approach to his daughters sexuality. Mature attitudes which no doubt his daughter will be influenced by in a positive way, rather than being dictated to.

          Further, as a woman who has had 2 abortions, after pregnancies due to failed but utilised birth control, I get sick to death of people going on about women who years later regret having abortions. What a crock of horse shit. I have never regretted having any abortion. Nor have the many other countless women I have spoken to over the last 40 years since mine, who have also undergone a termination. In fact, the number who have regrets I would suspect would be in a very small minority, so I wish people would stop using these few as some sort of justification for their political agenda of anti-abortion.

        • And you sound like the type of person who will never have a genuine and honest relationship with your kids.

          AIDS is not on the rise for heterosexuals. Stop with the 80’s style fear mongering, if AIDS was easy for heterosexuals to get most would have it by now, probably including you.

          • Lenora Rose says:

            I’m going to politely suggest that you read up on AIDS – especially in Africa, in some countries of which it has wiped out almost a full generation. And mostly via heterosexual sex. It’s still here, it’s nto a gay disease, and it’s part of why so many people use protection.

            It’s also irrelevant to the main article; because anyone who wants to teach his daughter that sex is an awesome thing is also going to teach her how to do it safely and keep it that way.

        • I couldn’t agree more!!! I think that is the biggest bunch of crap I have ever heard!! Not only do i not agree because of the health risks, social risks, etc but most importantly it is biblically WRONG!! The bible itself teaches that sex belongs only to a MARRIED man and woman. This children/teenagers are not in an emotional place to deal with the consequences of sex. The unwanted pregnancies, STD’s, emotional scars, etc etc. What ever happen to it being respectable to remain a virgin until marriage??!! Your virginity, male or female, is a precious gift that you only have to give 1 time, please do not waste it!!! Yes, I read the article and I have 3 children, 20b, 16g, and 11b. Both of my older children have thoroughly regretted having sex at such a young age and wish they would have heeded my guidance. I did also teach them about safe sex in the event that it did happen before marriage but also stressed that I was NOT ok with it and the importance of them waiting. To tell your child/teen to go out and have sex and experience it before they are ready just sickens me!!!

          • $10 says they felt guilty because you convinced them they were bad people if they did it before marriage. your negative outlook made a negative impact on what could have been she’s,thy fun experience.

            the bible ruins another family.

          • And you can keep you’re interpretation of the Bible to yourself, instead of applying it to non-Christians and Christians who actually read the Bible.

            You do know that the Bible advocates whoring out daughters to save their father’s life? And it advocates rapists taking their victims as concubines, as well as many other such practices.

    • Jeff, you clearly don’t grok the article… If he is true to his sentiment, he will support her CHOICE whatever that may be. You can push YOUR preferences on your children, he will support his as stated. You should respect that and not tell him he has to do something different.

    • FlowandMowtion says:

      In an age where the world’s population is our most pressing crisis, where near 8 billion humans consume resources at an unprecedented rate, having any sort of opposition to facilitating the termination of pregnancies is classifying yourself as ignorant, greedy, and oblivious to the collective human experience. If a mother who hasn’t the resources to properly care for her child is forced by right wing religious dogma to carry to term and give birth, not only is there a less then ideal situation for the child, but now there is a less ideal situation for planet earth. Have a child when you are ready to add to the collective human consciousness, sacrifice yourself for that child’s development, and ensure an enlightened future. Don’t have a child for any other reason. Not for the tax breaks, not for attention, not for the government, not for God. So no, abortion is essential in today’s society. Now if you want to find another planet, terraform it, and establish a collective there with a less then critical population (AS WAS THE CASE WHEN THE DAMN BIBLE WAS WRITTEN), you can make your own rules. Oh wait, no you can’t because that would be making someone else’s decision’s for them. Sorry buddy. Make your own choices.

      • I say we abort every undesirable child, born or not born. That will solve our population problem overnight. Give me one good reason why not? Who is with me?

        • Actually, babies don’t have babies and consume very little resources. The most effective option is to terminate adults because they do the most damage. And, generally, are very unhappy, always thinking of ways to get more for themselves at the expense of others. As an act of goodwill, the people who understand the crisis should show leadership, and sacrifice themselves for the survival of the planet.

        • FlowandMowtion makes a terrible argument here admittedly, but no pro-choice person I know supports murder, only that a fetus that cannot survive without an umbilical cord does not deserve the same rights as an actual human being.