What is the first step you can take in being an ally for justice and equality? Listen.
In my work with high school students, I am regularly asked, “What can I do? I know that injustice exists, but I feel so powerless. I want to help!”
More often than not, the students asking the question is doing so from a place of privilege: a straight student who wants to be a better LGBTQ ally, a white student who wants to be more anti-racist, an able-bodied person who wants to better support his differently-abled brother.
It’s no surprise to me that folks of privilege are the ones struggling to figure out how to act for justice. More often than not, those who are denied access, voice, privilege, and justice in dominant culture know exactly what they need to do to act for justice.
Those of us with identity privilege, though, can simply coast, never considering how our unchecked privileges contribute to a system of oppression.
To that point, my answer to their question is always the same: “Listen.”
Listening Is the Root of Justice
There are lots of steps that someone can take to become a better ally, but surely there is no more important step than listening.
I was raised in a culture where I benefit from a great many privileges. I am cis-male, white, straight, English-speaking, and able-bodied, and I come from a family of wealth privilege. In the words of Louis CK, “How many advantages can one person have!?”
With those unearned advantages comes a little voice that tells me that I am always right, that I am above reproach, that I have power and deserve power.
And not only does this little voice tell me that I am always right, but it tells me that there is no need to listen to the voices of those who are different from me.
“What could they possibly teach me?”
And therein lies the arrogant lack of perspective that can come with any form of identity privilege.
After all, when a person lives in a vacuum of privileged voices and perspectives, how brilliant can said person be?
Men who refuse to listen to women, cis folk who ignore trans* voices, white people who ignore people of color… In every case, we are denying ourselves the knowledge of powerful perspectives.
And because privilege conceals itself from those who have it, those of us who benefit from identity privilege are often unaware of the perspectives we deny, silence, and stifle with our voice.
As such, I’ve done a lot of silencing in my life, but most of it wasn’t active. I haven’t simply talked over someone or shouted someone down.
Instead, I’ve resorted to one of my most powerful weapons as a person of privilege: my refusal to listen.
For example, white people like myself are taught that we shouldn’t listen to voices of color. After all, if we did, we wouldn’t need study after study to prove that racism is real and that we don’t live in a “post-racial” society.
We would simply be able to hear it in the stories and voices of those folks of color that must live in our racist society every single day.
So What Can We Do?
It seems simple, right?
“Yeah, yeah…I need to shut my yapper and listen more.” But it’s not quite that simple.
True, taking a step back, realizing your voice doesn’t always need to be heard, and understanding that you can often learn more by listening than by blabbing is a place to begin.
But we have to consider what it actually means to listen.
Listening, first of all, must be more than looking for tidbits from another person that confirm our worldview.
Listening must be more than waiting to respond or hoping for “dialogue.”
Listening must be more than choosing one tokenized voice that represents in our mind “all people of color” or “all women.”
Listening is the process of opening oneself up to not only another’s words but to the sum of their lived experience behind those words.
Listening is bearing witness to the testimonies, stories, emotions, and experiences being shared.
Listening is opening ourselves with the desire to learn and understand before we look for engagement, disagreement, or dialogue.
The reality is that in dominant culture in the United States, there are certain voices that are systematically silenced, ignored, and pushed to the margins.
In turn, the very act of bearing witness to these voices is radical and transformative.
Seek Out and Listen to Varied Voices
As people of privilege, we must seek out spaces where we can listen to a variety of voices, particularly those voices we don’t often hear.
In doing so, we must keep in mind that our identities are complex, and while we may be denied voice in one arena of our life, in others, we may have incredible privilege.
The likelihood is that no matter your identity, there is always room to listen and learn.
This can be tricky, though, because simply saying “listen to voices of difference” can be a slippery slope into tokenization: “Hello, black person! Please explain to me what all black people think on this issue!”
First, we must realize that unless they know that the space is safe, a person who is used to being marginalized is not going to be fully honest with you.
Second, no single voice can speak for every person of that identity. Ever.
Instead, we need to seek to foster, create, and earn a place in safe spaces where marginalized voices can speak freely and honestly.
Sometimes that means that we attend events that are created by and for women or people of color or another marginalized group (assuming that said events are open to everyone), and we listen.
Other times it means that we acutely listen to the voices in our places of worship, offices, sports teams, family gatherings, and so on.
We demonstrate to those in our lives who don’t share our privileges that we have an honest desire to listen and that we will carefully consider their perspective, and we work hard to earn and maintain their trust.
Still other times it means that we change how we consume media.
Expand Your Media Consumption
In his brilliant piece entitled “White People Have to Give Up Racism,” Mychal Denzel Smith puts it this way:
“White people have to diversify their media consumption… A few prominent, usually very bright, but generally non-threatening folks of color become the cherry-picked spokespeople for the entire media world, knowing they could never adequately represent the complexity of the group to which they’re assigned.
Yet, white people turn to them as the Yoda of all things race-related at the expense of deepening their understanding. People of color have been locked out of mainstream media outlets for so long, we started making our own out of necessity…
Vital conversations often take place there about the ways in which we experience the world. White people should check them out.”
What books are you reading? Whose analysis is reflected in your news media? What music are you listening to? What movies are you watching?
This is precisely why spaces like Everyday Feminism are vital. They prioritize subversive, transcendent conversations, voices, and perspectives that are traditionally denied a place.
You’re not going to hear much about “Gay Men’s Sexism and Women’s Bodies” or “Ability Privilege” or “Complicated Latina Feminist[s] Ending Violence” on Fox News and CNN.
If, when we examine our media consumption, we realize that the same identities and voices are dominant, it’s time we expand our circle.
When You’re Called Out or Defensive, Listen and Self Reflect
One of the most important lessons in listening, though, is realizing that we’re going to screw up.
A female professor of color once told me,
“The best thing you can learn to do if you want to be an ally is realize that you’re going to screw up, and you’re going to do it a lot, so you will need to learn to apologize with honesty and a true desire to change. Then don’t get hung up. Move forward and do better.”
And that’s hard.
Because when we are trying hard with honest intent to be better allies, it is tough to be told that we’re doing it wrong or that our actions are actually doing more harm than good.
But we have to listen.
When criticized for my language, the space I am taking up, or for the ways in which my actions reveal my privilege, my first response needs to be to listen.
No matter how defensive that statement makes me, I need to listen.
No matter how much I would like to retort with a story about how I’m not as privileged as the other is assuming, I need to listen.
No matter how much I want to prove my social justice credentials, I need to listen.
No matter how much I want to explain, deflect, or defer, I need to listen.
Because we only grow when we’re uncomfortable, and to listen, internalize what we’re being told, and push for change is to make oneself profoundly uncomfortable.
And that is good.
Not All Listening Is the Same
Finally, we need to recognize that not all listening is the same. I cannot tell you how many times I have had men say to me, “Why should I have to listen more to women! It’s not like my voice is ever heard!”
It is entirely possible that a single person of privilege feels like they are not often heard, like their voice is ignored. And I will not deny that this might be true in your experience.
But we are not talking simply about singular voices. We are talking about patterns and systems that are larger than any one person.
Thus, you may feel like your Christian perspective is scoffed at and mocked, but Christian narratives are the single most dominant religious narrative in the United States, and there are countless mediums through which Christians can have their voices heard by the masses and where Christians can control their own narratives in dominant media.
The same is true of male voices, cis voices, white voices, straight voices, able-bodied voices, wealthy and middle class voices, and so on.
But Muslim voices? Feminist voices? Voices of color? Transgender voices? Not so much.
So no, sir, women don’t need to listen to your voice in the same way that you need to listen to theirs. That is not a double standard. It is, in fact, the opposite.
It is a new standard that we must create and enforce to counteract the normative standard where certain voices of privilege are weighted over others.
Originally appeared at Everyday Feminism
Jamie Utt is a Contributing Writer at Everyday Feminism. Jamie is a diversity and inclusion consultant and sexual violence prevention educator based in Minneapolis, MN. He lives with his loving partner and his funtastic dog. He blogs weekly at Change from Within. Learn more about his work at his website here and follow him on Twitter @utt_jamie. Read his articles here and book him for speaking engagements here.
Photo: Flickr/dicktay2000
What happened to all the people in this thread.
I’m having difficulty grasping why the notion of “voices” and how they correlate to progress and the solving of issues. Some untested assumptions: That those who are poor (for example), share a common voice, meaning they believe in the same solution(s) to their issues. That those who have a more prominent voice (i.e. politicians), favor laws that directly benefits one of their specific identity groups to which they belong. That those who have a more prominent voice (i.e. politicians), favor laws that directly increases their chances for reelection. That those who have a lesser voice better understand solutions to specific… Read more »
beautifully stated.
Jamie: Where are all these male voices that are being heard.
I have seen time and time ago people make grand statements that men voices are the ‘default’, yet, not once have I seen anyone actually show an example of how mens voices are being heard and womens aren’t.
Honestly Jamie, I don’t expect you to answer because in order for you to do that, you would have to provide proof for your assertions and you can’t afford to do that.
My first response would be in legislation where the overwhelming majority of people making our laws are white men. And in executive – where we’ve never had a female president. Or judiciary, where the vast majority of judges are male. Or maybe in corporations, where more than 90% of the top CEOs are men. The ones deciding on people’s wages. Or maybe in university, where the vast majority of instructors and administrators, as well as boards of trustees are men. Or in the police force, where the vast majority of higher-ups (and officers in general) are white men. Or maybe… Read more »
I would echo everything Joanna said above, and I would add this: Aside from the COUNTLESS institutional ways in which male voices are privileged over female ones (even look at schools where women are more likely to be teachers, but administrators who dictate policies and tenure processes and curriculum are, in majority, men), it is important to simply look at socialization. From young ages, boys are taught in countless ways that their voices are valuable (as they should be) and that they should speak their minds, no matter whose voices are represented in the room. Girls, on the other hand,… Read more »
Is that why the dominant narrative in the gender debate is all about women, and male victims of abuse/violence/rape are ignored and even covered up?
Here at The Good Men Project, as well as at Everyday Feminism (where Jamie is a writer) we are 100% committed to raising awareness and providing as much support as possible in this setting to male survivors.
Though that absolutely is the case in the general population (male survivors being overlooked or even dismissed), that is not what we do here, and it is not what they do at our partner site, Everyday Feminism.
I wouldn’t say that you guys try to hide male victims at all. But it would be naive to think that there isn’t a very woman centric lens applied to these issues. For example, this article is about listening to the voices of women in the gender debate. I agree, I think we should. I think that we should also be listening to what men have to say, because 99% of men are NOT Politicians, millionares, CEO’s or whatever, and they do NOT get the unending privileges that certain ideologies wish to imply. A site about understanding MEN should be… Read more »
diz, this article is also about race and other privileges.
The vast, vast majority of content we have features men up front and center. That there are a few WRITTEN BY MEN that address some issues relating to women does nothing to diminish the other things we do for men, about men, by men.
As a man, Jamie has every right to say what he believes is important. If he believes women’s issues (as well as issues about LGBTQ folks or race) is important, his voice matters as much as any other male voice.
As a parent of 3 school age children- if you think boys are being taught that their voices are valuable while girls are taught otherwise you’ve got your head in the sand. Just repeating myths constantly doesn’t make them true. It is laughable to think, that because a politician or police officer and I share a Y chromosome that they represent me or my voice. The people who represent me and my voice are those who share my positions- something the majority of police officers, politicians, etc… DO NOT DO. Jamie is a guy yet, based on what I have… Read more »
cw that doesn’t mean he doesn’t represent anyone. So it’s not you. Fine. But not every bit of content is about you.
I guess we agree that the presence of a Y-Chromosome in a speaker is a very poor indicator of how representative someone is? This would call into question that there is some all pervasive “male voice” which ensures that men’s individual voices are heard and prioritized.
So who is he representing, then? Clearly he doesn’t speak for the majority of men.
Also, I would like you to answer my question about how sharing gender and ethnicity with powerful people grants benefits to me.
But Joanna assuming that CW is male, every bit of content is supposed to be about him. This is supposed to be a mens site for men. Since he shares a common trait with Jamie, then by your logic above, Jamie must be giving CW a voice but in reality he isn’t because though he shares a y chrom with CW that is perhaps all they have in common just like all the people in your list.
So I would say THOSE male voices are the ones that are being heard. Sure, maybe not you. And I’m sorry for that. But men in general are being heard. They’re being heard significantly more than women in the boardroom, the corporations, the courtroom, the university, the military, the criminal justice system, and the place where our laws originate. I think that’s the problem. Usually there is no distinction between which men are being heard and which ones are not. So basically what happens is the line of logic that since John Schtoll shares gender with all those men that… Read more »
Can you illustrate to me what the benefits are to sharing gender and race with these people?
Joanna: Such a classic mistake for someone who has a degree. If you added up ALL the politicians, all the police, CEOs, univ profs and everyone else in your list, exactly how many men would that be. Probably less than 1/10 of 1% of the men. Just because they are men, doesn’t mean one iota because it doesn’t mean they are speaking on behalf of men or that they are making policy that benefits men. I am pretty sure a fair number of those men are blond, or have blue eyes or are over 5′ 7″ does this mean blue… Read more »
Saltek, first, I don’t need your snark. It’s inappropriate and disrespectful.
Second, obviously there’s a difference between power that ALL men have and systemic power, which is held in this country by men.
That’s the distinction.
Indeed. Men aren’t denied power because they are men.
We aren’t granted power because we’re men either. If it were the case that because the majority of leaders are men, then they must be looking out for men’s interests the following would be true: Every woman who abuses a man would be in jail, male rape survivors would get the majority of services directed towards them, male medical funding would exceede that alloted towards women, the crisis in education facing boys would have been taken care of already (or never existed in the first place) People would be telling women not to rape men, men would gain the most… Read more »
So do you think you could finally get around to telling me what the privileges are to sharing gender and skin color with those men?
But JOANNA you were the one who brought up that group of men who claim have power. While Saiteks remark was very snarky it wasn’t wrong. You say there is the distinction but guess it is a distinction without a difference. If men in power don’t represent all men then ALL men don’t have power only a very small number do. If the interests of men aren’t being put front and center then men as a group don’t have power. @HeatherN: I would disagree that men are denied power because they are men, if you want proof look at the… Read more »
Ironically, 2 of my posts here have been deleted, so its certainly not MY voice being heard.
Well they wouldn’t be deleted if you just said the right things. If you were listening to all of the conversations here you would clearly know what to say. I’ve only been deleted like 4 or 5 times so clearly I’m listening better than you….nanner, nanner…or is that naner, naner…or old english, knanner, knanner…
And see “Danny Brown’s Availability” for a clear case of woman on male rape. The GMP is talking about this issue. TRIGGER Warning for rappers and onstage performers…
We have so many amazing stories by incredibly brave male survivors. See “I’m a male survivor and I’m finally able to talk about it” about a female-on-male rape from just last week, which was highly praised by Chris Anderson and other male survivor advocates. We have another story from another male survivor going up tomorrow, not to mention the Danny Brown piece.
Anyone who thinks we ignore male survivors isn’t paying attention.
Joanna It isn’t that you are ignoring male voices, it is without a doubt that female voices and experiences are given priority and it is that lens which filters everything on the site, the exact opposite of what you and Jamie said above that in society mens voices have priority. I will ask this simple question. Show me 3 pieces of legislation in the last 50 years that have had the effect of prioritizing male concerns over female concerns. Just to be fair I will give you 3 from the opposite. 1) VAWA 2) Lilly Leadbetter Act 3) The Family… Read more »