Encouraging princess culture—however innocently—contributes to the sexualization of girls. Men can be part of the solution to the ‘princess problem.’
This may surprise the readers of the Good Men Project Magazine, but we’re part of a problem: the princess problem.
More and more experts recognize that “princess culture” does great harm to girls. I don’t know how many GMPM readers also read Redbook, 
but it’s worth checking out this story: “Little Girls Gone Wild: Why Daughters Are Acting Too Sexy, Too Soon.” In it, Peggy Orenstein (the author of the new and important Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture), makes the case that a lot of the prematurely sexy behavior and dress we’ve all noticed is actually rooted in something we think is very innocent: the world of princesses.
You may balk—what’s sexy about a little girl in a pink princess costume? But sexy, as it turns out, is not the same thing as sexualized. Sexualization is not just imposing sexuality on children before they’re ready and viewing girls as sexual objects, but also valuing a girl for her appearance over her other attributes. “Princesses are just a phase,” Orenstein writes, but they mark a girl’s “first foray into the mainstream culture. … And what was the first thing that culture told her about being a girl? Not that she was competent, strong, creative, or smart, but that every little girl wants—or should want—to be the Fairest of Them All.”
This may be true, but how is it our problem as men? Many—maybe even most of you who are reading this—don’t have daughters. A lot of you aren’t dads at all. Whether you think little girls dressed up as Snow White are cute or not, what does the problem Orenstein describes have to do with you?
Well, for starters almost every man has—or will have—a little girl in his life. If not a daughter then a niece, a little cousin, your buddy’s kid, your son’s friend from playgroup. And if you care about the well-being of these girls, this issue of princess culture and sexualization matters to you. The bad news is, you may be part of the problem; the good news is, you can be part of the solution.
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Thankfully, most men aren’t sexually attracted to prepubescent girls. But it doesn’t mean that we don’t have a very strong response when we see a 6-year-old dressed up as cute as can be. For men, complimenting older girls and women for their looks is often sexually charged and likely to get you in trouble. But as fathers, uncles, and others notice, little girls of princess age rarely have the same caution and suspicion about older men as their older sisters. Often transparent in their eagerness for attention and validation, they light up at praise. And no compliment is easier to give than “You’re so pretty.”
Five-year-olds in princess costumes are cute. But the problem is that the compliments we give as fathers, uncles, and coaches have an impact on the self-esteem of little girls. As they grow up, they realize quickly (certainly by age 8 or 9) that Cinderella costumes won’t cut it anymore. If they want to sustain the same level of attention that they had when they were adorable first-graders, they’re going to need to employ a different strategy: sexiness. And that sexiness gets our attention all over again.
Wait a minute, you’re thinking. I don’t leer at 10-year-olds in miniskirts. I don’t tell my niece that she’s hot. I wish girls would wait longer to be sexy! How am I part of this problem?
As Orenstein and others point out, little girls take their cues about what is desirable by looking at how boys and men respond to older girls and women. The father who lavishes adoration on “Daddy’s little princess” but ogles high-school cheerleaders is sending his daughter a clear message. The message is that the princess phase won’t last much longer, and if you want to grasp and hold adult male attention, you need to be sexy.
This sexiness has very little to do with sex, and everything to do with the craving for validation and attention. While all children want affirmation, princess culture teaches little girls to get that approval through their looks. Little girls learn quickly what “works” to elicit adoration from mom and dad, as well as from teachers, uncles, aunts, and other adults. Soon—much too soon—they notice that older girls and women get validation for a particular kind of dress, a particular kind of behavior. They watch their fathers’ eyes, they follow their uncles’ gaze. They listen to what these men they love say when they see “hot” young women on television or on the street. And they learn how to be from what they hear and see.
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This doesn’t mean that good dads shouldn’t let their daughters dress up as princesses. It doesn’t mean that good dads, good big brothers, and good uncles should never, ever tell a little girl that she looks “cute” or “beautiful.” It does mean that those good grown men need to make sure that they’re also giving her plenty of compliments that focus on her other qualities, like her intelligence, her kindness, or her athleticism. But something else matters just as much: how we look at and talk about other girls and women.
Too many men do everything they can to protect adored daughters, nieces, and little sisters—while making little attempt to disguise their longing for other young women who aren’t all that much older than the child they cherish. Girls who are raised to see compliments as currency quickly learn that if they want to keep their praise flowing in, they’ll need to do more to “earn” it. And too often, they learn exactly how to earn it from by listening to the words and following the eyes of the men they love and trust most.
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More From Our Special Marriage Section:
Even stellar relationships lose their spark over time; here are the ingredients of a lasting, fruitful partnership, and techniques for weathering the the stormy times: What Your Marriage Needs to Survive
When Tom Forrister transitioned from female to male, his same-sex marriage became a federally recognized, “traditional” marriage. The one constant was the bond he shared with his wife: My Exemplary, Everyday Marriage
As Gabi Coatsworth’s son’s bipolar disorder gave way to full-blown manic episodes, she watched her husband slip deeper into drink and detachment: Reading Between the Silences
For all the stories written by and for women on this issue—and there are few—men are more likely to be absent from the public dialogue about intentional childlessness. Why aren’t men’s stories also being heard? Two Is Enough
The nightmare of family court is enough to deter a guy from even thinking about tying the knot: Marriage: Just Don’t
If you’re married and using Internet porn regularly, your sex life—the one with your wife—is probably a lot less satisfying than it could be: How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life—and Your Marriage
Men are more promiscuous than women, but that doesn’t mean we should buy the cultural fallacy that men are programmed to cheat; the vast majority of men are happily, naturally monogamous: Are Men Natural-Born Cheaters?
Tom Matlack talks to married men to find out when they knew their wife was “the one”: She’s the One
Monogamy sounds like “monotony,” but it doesn’t have to be monotonous. Hugo Schwyzer explores how we can have the security—and the novelty—we desire in our relationships: Red-Hot Monogamy
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—Photo by Siti Saad/Flickr
About Hugo Schwyzer
Vocalyze
I would think providing young girls with genuine praise, rather than the Princess fallacy, would help them grow as people. In this age of equality why would girls be treated differently to boys?
I seems to me that this question ignores the central issue just to make this question viable.
Sex is about reproduction, not recreation. For millions of years Males have been Conditioned to find the females desirable. In the more natural world any human female over 100 pounds is ready to breed. And ALL the Males are programed to find any such female sexually attractive regardless of the males age. Since he was expected to die at a young age any way. Its absurd to try and apply higher thought processes to this issue. its about reproduction. And your “Values” are not applicable.
Why do you keep capitalizing the M in male but not the F in female?
I believe there are some things that both sides do not understand about this subject or that have possibly been forgotten in all the emotional volcano eruptions.
The first is that there is an equal balance in responsibility between both men and women to raise the future generations. Both men and women, as teenagers or adults, have a large impact on children, no matter their gender.
Women should be responsible as mothers and as single women by dressing appropriately. Why do we need to show off our bodies? Are we not always saying that our personalities and other important qualities that make us who we are, are the ones we want men to love us and admire and respect us for? How can we have that if we then show off our bodies in immodest ways? What example are we showing our daughters? Why do we need to treat ourselves as sexual objects as well? We don’t want to send off mixed signals.
Men should be responsible as fathers and as single men by recognizing that yes, humans are designed to be physically attracted to each other in order to reproduce, but also recognize that women are not objects. We are people also. Of course I am not saying that all men think of women as objects, but some do, just as some women treat men like objects. Men who are married should be loyal to their wives and control their biological sexual urges. If you are married, you already have someone to reproduce and create life with. Men who are single need to not be selfish and think of how sexuality pleases themselves and instead think of the consequences their actions will have on society as a whole.
Men and women have equal responsibilities to raise both boys and girls. There is no need to point the finger, but to accept that both genders are responsible for the outcome of our society.
The second matter is that there is nothing wrong with being a princess. The problem comes when people think that being a princess only means one thing: being beautiful. Instead we should all think of what really makes a girl a princess (and a boy a prince). A prince or princess is a son or daughter of a king and a queen. If you believe in a god, that means that all humans are princes and princesses, as God is the King.
The last thing I wish to say is that we, as people with differing opinions and emotions and personalities, will not always agree. But we as people do not need to put others down for trying to do some good in the world. What is wrong with trying to help people and with writing things that uplift people and encourage better behavior? For myself, I say that Mr. Hugo Schwyzer has written a very great article because of his desire to improve society. Thank you.