https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPpniRZ67Go
A Congressman shares his painful personal experience with his colleagues and says, ‘No more.’
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Three things bother me deeply about this short video clip of Rep. Tom Reed, a Republican representing New York’s 23rd Congressional District, speaking last Friday before the U.S. House of Representatives in support of No More.
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The first and most obvious is that his 18-year-old niece was raped.
But my other two causes of discomfort and concern are less obvious, and both speak directly to why Rep. Reed is standing next to a sign that reads, “There are no more excuses!”
The video has been viewed on YouTube under 700 times. Are we to conclude that a Congressman’s niece gets raped, he speaks out against sexual assault and domestic violence, and nobody cares?
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The second thing that upsets me is that as of the time of publication, the video—uploaded five days ago on March 14th—has been viewed on YouTube under 700 times. The video appears on several prominent news outlets if you Google “Tom Reed domestic violence.” But in YouTube terms, 700 views means it doesn’t exist. Another iteration published by Rep. Reed on his own YouTube channel has been viewed just over 100 times. Based on these numbers, are we to conclude that a Congressman’s niece gets raped, he speaks out against sexual assault and domestic violence, and nobody cares?
This video and others like it should be shown to every high school student in the country in a mandatory class on dating, consent, and relationships that will educate men and women on what attitudes and behaviors are and are not acceptable.
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I don’t believe for a minute that nobody cares. But I do believe that few people want to watch Rep. Reed’s speech about these issues, or share the video in their social media circles, or speak to anyone about this topic, or respond publicly to his appeal—made in conjunction with No More—to start a nationwide discussion about these issues in which we stop blaming victims, stop seeing these problems as intractable, and start educating young people to change outcomes. Rep. Reed addresses our collective fear at 1:38, saying, “Mr. Speaker we need to change the culture in our country, where we’re afraid to talk about this issue.” At 1:48 he laments that “Men across this country have not been taught how to deal with this issue in an open and honest fashion.” As a friend of numerous survivors, I feel strongly that this video and others like it should be shown to every high school student in the country in a mandatory class on dating, consent, and relationships that will educate men and women on what attitudes and behaviors are and are not acceptable. Our culture is a product of our parenting, our educational system, and our media, and those are the three places change needs to begin.
The third thing that disturbs me is Rep. Reed’s expression at 1:06. We’ve all seen this face before. Clinton. Spitzer. Weiner. Lips tight. Corners of the mouth turned down. It’s the face of shame. And it crosses Rep. Reed’s face just as he describes asking his niece if she could come speak before the House about her experience, what would she say? What she told him was this:
No more, because there are no excuses. No one can make an excuse as to why sexual assault is acceptable. No one should offer an excuse that a woman wanted it. That a woman asked for it.
Perhaps his expression reflects our collective shame as a nation, that nearly 25% of our citizens report being survivors of domestic violence, and that nearly 70% know someone who has been affected, and nothing is changing.
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Just what is Rep. Reed ashamed of? That his niece was raped? That he, a powerful elected official, failed to protect her? That rape involves sex and sex is something we find shameful to discuss publicly? That his niece will be diminished in the public’s eye for being a rape victim? That she will be considered damaged goods? That no man will want to date or marry her? That people will ask what she did to deserve it? Or is he ashamed that he didn’t get more vocal about this issue earlier? That it took the tragedy of rape affecting his own family for him to make an impassioned speech? Or perhaps his expression reflects our collective shame as a nation, that nearly 25% of our citizens report being survivors of domestic violence, and that nearly 70% know someone who has been affected, and nothing is changing. Or maybe, just maybe he is channeling the expression his niece showed him when he asked her the question, projecting to his colleagues in the House the shame she may feel as a victim?
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Rape is humiliating. It is a loss of self-determination and agency over your body. It is never something a person asks for or encourages or brings on or chooses. Ever. Humiliation leads to shame—shame of the humiliating act being revealed and of what it says about the victim. And shame thrives on fear, which keeps the source of the shame hidden. Hidden shame is terribly destructive, because it quickly becomes contempt for oneself.
Hidden shame is terribly destructive, because it quickly becomes contempt for oneself.
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But where does humiliation start? Where does anyone get the idea that it is acceptable to humiliate another person? To cause a person to feel self-contempt? Unfortunately, humiliation of others—others we see as less worthy, less important, less intelligent than ourselves, less deserving of respect—and blaming them for that humiliation, is modeled, taught, reinforced, and condoned almost everywhere we look.
Rep. Reed’s niece is no less of a woman or person for having been raped. And she is as much a victim of our cultural deficiency as of the man who chose to show his power over her by forcing her to have sex with him. Because collectively, we enabled that man. We enabled him to think that what he was doing was OK. That she’d probably be afraid to talk about it. That there was a good chance he’d get off with a slap on the wrist if her refusal of consent could be challenged. That he was just doing what boys do. Once we accept the presence of evil, our acceptance comes with a responsibility to speak up and intervene. And that responsibility means changing enabling to discouraging and discouraging to preventing.
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Suffering sexual assault or domestic violence is not in and of itself something to be proud of, but neither should it be a source of shame for anyone. It is simply a distressing fact that applies to nearly 70 million Americans. Being victimized is not a mistake, an error in judgment, an avoidable mishap, a foolish thing. Surviving and recovering, on the other hand, is a choice, a path traveled that one can be proud of, and becoming an advocate, even more so. Putting one’s life back together after it’s been shattered, forgiving oneself for what happened, moving on from anger and hate for one’s assailant while not denying the incident’s lasting impact, transforming one’s energy into helping counsel fellow survivors and protecting future victims, and working to shift our national narrative—that’s something of which anyone can be proud.
To join a national conversation on ending sexual assault and domestic violence by building a culture of respect, please email [email protected].
Photo—Philip Bump/YouTube
You might be interested in this. It is RAINN’s recommendations to the White Houses task force on preventing sexual assaults of students. RAINN seems to take issue with some of the commonly held progressive positions.
http://rainn.org/images/03-2014/WH-Task-Force-RAINN-Recommendations.pdf