Kenneth Griffin was afraid to be the dad of a son. He did not think he was up to role modeling what a “real man” is all about. Then he heard from a “real man” who told him differently. Himself.
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At 36 years old and having recently gone through a messy divorce I have remarried and my wife of three months is now pregnant. I move fast and seldom let that grass grow under my feet. This will be our first child for both of us, and as a member of the generation of men raised solely by women I was praying for a girl. Most of my buddies have boys and they all have turned out pretty well but my lack of what I perceived as “man knowledge” has put a fear in me of not being able to teach my son how to be a real man if she gives birth to a boy.
My preconceived notion of what it means to be a man was drilled in me from a young age. My mother who had been married five times always choose alpha male, cowboy hat wearing, sweat for your paycheck men. They never stuck around very long so most of childhood was spent learning what it was to be a man from television shows like the Dukes of Hazzard or MacGyver. I have often wondered what men who are raised by women do when they need an oil change, need to use a level to hang a picture, or want to mount a television on their wall…for me I called a handy man and pride swallowed paid his $100 dollar an hour rate.
Yet another failure as a man or so I thought…the reality is I am a skillful mate in nontraditional ways in that my wife would say I am an amazing cook, great with feelings and words, and even keep a tidier home than she would. The question begs though how can a man raised by a woman teach his son anything about being a “real man”? This is what was keeps me up at night until I sat down and truly analyzed my situation. The notions that had been drilled into me by society, my mother, my stepfathers, my alcoholic grandfather were just ideas, and ideas are much easier to change than beliefs. I had to change my mindset if I was going to survive this pregnancy and fatherhood. Perhaps the perception and global shift in thinking of gender roles will save me from this fate if she does indeed deliver a boy, but at the time, I was still praying we have a little girl. I know how to do girl stuff in the traditionalist form and it is what I am most comfortable doing.
Even as a young boy I would find myself drawn to soap operas on the television instead of the more macho wrestling or karate movies that were all the rage in the 80’s. I was always drawn to peer groups of girls and even now as an adult most of my close friends are women. I just never fit in with the “real men” and would often shy away from learning or trying new man stuff. I felt like I would embarrass myself when I showed I could not even drive a nail properly. How does one attain such knowledge and how does one pass it on if it was never instilled in the first place? If I needed knee replacement I would go to a specialist but where is the specialist that can replace never learning to properly throw a spiral on the pigskin or tie a neck tie when you need it? There is a vast amount of men in the world today who are growing up with a loving, kind, and a good home run solely by a mother. Are those men are missing out on a vast amount of learning adventures that are cut short by fathers who are not in their lives?
I intend to do my best over the next 9 months to learn the things that were not taught to me and become more of the man I wish I was. It is a pride swallowing experience when you are at the local hardware store and do not know which screw driver or hammer to purchase to get started. While most men are worried about how a baby will change their lives, the money, the space, I spend my nights worrying will I raise another weak man who cannot fix a flat tire.
What should be keeping me up at night however is how to teach my son to be self-sufficient, treat women with respect, and earn a wage that allows him to pay the mechanic to change that tire if need be. I am 36 and I have never had to change a tire so why has this thought loop plague my mind?
It found a resting place in my insecurities of what defines me as a man. I have a loving wife, nice things, a career, and a passion for writing that keeps my mind active and aware. In the end our thoughts become our world and I have had to radically change the way I think. Beating myself up for things I do not know is about as useful as a Philips head screw driver on a flat head nail (see I am learning).
My wife keeps telling me it will be okay and that we can always just Google or You Tube whatever we don’t know and go from there. I do find some comfort knowing the technological advances of the last 20 years may save me from admitting I just simply do not know how to be a “man’s man.”
Better yet, that I am the new and improved “man’s man.” Bring on the Barbie’s dream house or the GI Joe playset.
This real man, this real dad, is ready.
Photo: Flickr/Adam Selwood
You’re going to do great! If you have a son please consider keeping him intact.
You can YouTube or google what you’d like to learn, or better yet, you can read the Bible. There you’ll find sound advice on what to do as a father and husband (kids learn more seeing what you do). For example, Fathers, don’t make your children angry. Instead, instruct them and teach them the ways of the Lord as you raise them. (Ephesians 6:4). Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children… Read more »
You are the best! You have voiced/written what many have wanted to say or hear. “A generation of men being raised by women.” I am one of those women raising a nineteen year old on my own. I had your fears for my son in the past. He is neither street smart nor handy but academically a genius and only now just coming out of his shell socially and not as scared about his lack of handiness anymore. He is now much more comfortable with his lack of street smarts and understands that he is still a man’s man in… Read more »
Congratulations. I have never commented on an article I have read until yours popped up on Yahoo. I have to say it was so well written and from the heart. I have 4 kids that range from 23 to 15 and as a parent reading your article I can honestly say from my heart you are already a great dad even before your child is born. The fact that you want to be the best you can be says a lot about who you are. If I could give you any advice it would be: be yourself with your child… Read more »
I really can’t relate in terms of worries about raising a boy. My dad was a good dad and I figured I’d just do what he did. But with that said I’ve never really played or cared much about any sports. I’m not a hunter. I majored in art in college… And my wife is about the only woman I ever even really dated. But she grew up playing softball and really wanted our son to get into baseball. So we started him off at a young age. It’s been a real test of my insecurities. I can throw and… Read more »
I was raised in a hardware store in a family of 4 boys and 3 girls. I loved learning all the boy stuff from my father and girl stuff from my mother. But let me assure you, I have worked in the hardware store for almost 40 years and I still encounter almost daily men that know absolutely nothing about screwdrivers or anything of that sort. So you are not alone when it comes to knowing how to do those type of things. But I agree with your wife, there are all kinds of ways that you can learn how… Read more »
As a on-time single mom of 2 boys, I turned to the BSA programs Cubscouts (ages 6-10) and Boyscouts (11-18) to make sure my boys were exposed to male role-models and the ‘male’ way of learning and communicating while learning life skills. I highly recommend the program and that you join with your son – whether you learn to hammer a nail or not, you will never regret the time spent with your child in the great outdoors. Also, a good read to understand the how boys fare in today’s society; The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of Our… Read more »
Snap out of it ! I raised a son by myself. I took him bowling, fishing, target practice!
And taught him how to order take out and burn some or all of every meal! What I couldn’t teach him he figured out or learned from a male he knew. Stop whining and be the best dad you can be with whatever you will be blesses with. Be happy the baby is healthy! Remember it takes a village to take care of a child. Get over yourself! Your the adult you will have to figure it out.
Because you wish to be a great parent, you have already won! In all things, wanting to do better brings the winner out of us all.
Seek God, wise counsel and communicate with your spouse – Greatness is already in you, my friend.
D
Ken, it’s going to be Ok. I think i could be considered a man’s man, as you say. I never wanted to be. I preferred the life on my commodore 64 and TV but I have always worked in an industry that employs 90% men. I have a beautiful 3 yr. old daughter. i can tell you i didn’t have the first clue about being a father or the father of a girl. What do i know about Disney or Princess! What i do know about is right and wrong and being a good person and family. Your article, too… Read more »
You’re a keeper too, Jeff. It was very kind of you to share your thoughts with Ken.. It’s great support for him to hear from men like yourself. You did your good deed for today. 🙂
You are already a great Dad because you recognized your short comings. Yes, we can Google almost anything or take a class.
Good Luck!
if you own a car, you need to know car maintenance. It’s not a gender thing at all. I am so poor I cant afford to be gender specific– I flush my own radiator! but hey, that is what You Tube is for! You can be your own father– and learn together with your own son; how to be effective modern men. It’s a wonderful adventure! Surprise yourself!
I would much rather have a the father of my child, a man who learns to do things WITH his child than a man who knows how to do things already and has no patience when it comes to trying to TEACH his child. The fact that you are concerned speaks volumes as to the type of father you will be, regardless of that child’s gender. I can’t wait to witness this process through your writing!
I was that single mom raising two children (for a few years), but I was also a prior navy wife, and as a navy wife and then a single mother there was never money to hire anyone, so I learned how to do it myself. I have changed tired, I can proudly change my own brakes, I have even gone as far as changing a water pump! Determination is key! It is NOT common for women to have mechanic skills, we’ve been told that women don’t get greasy and dirty, it’s not our job, very much the same way men… Read more »
You can do it, dude! Questioning your own abilities puts you far ahead of the know-it-all ‘manly’ men out there. I changed my own tires, replaced distributor caps and blower motors, and do my own plumbing and electrical whenever possible (all to avoid getting ripped off/save money). I build my own computers. I always thought that NOT being into shopping, soap operas, and things ‘considered’ feminine would make me a terrible mom to a daughter. I wanted boys and ended up with boys (my girl didn’t make it). I thought awesome, we can build a gaming computer together or do… Read more »
Your story is very touching. Just the thought of you wanting to be a dad is a blessing. Don’t worry about not knowing how to change a flat tire or any of the task at hand for a man. They have so many DIY videos, you tube and workshops that can show you how to do different task. So many men know how do all the task you’re worrying about and run away from their responsibility of being a dad. They can careless about being a father. You have a passion of being a dad. Pray for wisdom and guidance… Read more »
I do not think any future parent feels they have all of the necessary skills. I am a single mom of a now nearly 20 year old son. We lost his father to cancer when he was 12. I have had to learn to be both parents and my one word advice to you is youtube! I have learned to change oil, tie a tie, put together a kilt, fix a sound board and many other useful tasks. My son knows that I’m not an expert in everything (who is?). I have shown him that a willingness to try new… Read more »
Kenneth, babies are a blessing. I’m sure you’ll be a good dad either way. However, I do want to recommend a book I’ve heard about. It’s supposed to be helpful and it’s actually on my wishlist…
The Manual to Manhood by Jonathan Catherman
Part of being independent is learning basic skills including housework as well as fixing stuff. Saves you a lot of money too even if you can afford to outsource these services. Instead of trying to defy gender roles by embracing only “feminine” skills, why not learn to be competent in both? It is not an either/or thing unless you want it to be. Some men can cook, clean, do laundry, raise their kids, as well as change their tires, change their oil, Mow the lawn, put together furniture and much more. It doesn’t mean you’ll always have the time to… Read more »
I am a woman raised by a single mom. I learned how to change the oil and a flat tire because we could not afford to call someone to fix stuff when it broke. I suspect that your lack of those particular skills has a lot more to do with you (and your mom) being able to afford to call someone to change a tire than having a male role model to teach you how. I am married to a man that does not know how to change a tire. Why would he? He can call someone to do that… Read more »
I agree. I wonder how many wealthy or upper middle class men know how to change a tire or hang a picture? There is a commercial that says something along the line that a Dad does not need to be perfect, just be their for your kids. This commercial was about adopting kids.
Although it’s not necessary to be an expert in those “man” things, it’s helpful to have some skills that will mean you don’t have to hire pros to do smallish home/car/household electronics install/maintenance/repair jobs. You can, yes, YouTube learn just about anything nowadays. But there’s always others willing to help you acquire and/or hone those skills at your local hardware store usually for free, and opportunities to volunteer at schools are there as well. Who says you can’t volunteer at a shop class??? If not at the high school level, maybe a local community college. Habitat for Humanity always needs… Read more »
I agree with you 100%.
Being 15 years older and similarly without a dad, you describe many familiar fears. But I can also say that not having a dad and being a man are not mutually exclusive. Which I say in no way to minimze your anxieties. I get it as only you and I know. But my son and daughter are in their 20’s. All’s well. You’ve got more strength, skill and potential than you feel and I say feel rather than know because it is more than a factual knowledge based “knowing.” Your son, if you have one will be proud of you… Read more »
I couldn’t agree more. He will be am amazing father. 🙂
There are many activities that men commonly do, but these activities should also be activities that women can do. Women should be able to replace a switch or outlet in a home, change a tire, and change the oil in a lawnmower. At the same time, men should be able to bathe and take care for a baby, prepare a nutritious meal, and wrap a Christmas gift. There are very few activities that are strictly male or female anymore. Both men and women should be open to learning new skills and attitudes. Men can get in touch with their inner… Read more »