A father struggles to help his daughter make sense of an unkind world.
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She crept onto the bed, curling into the smallest ball. And whimpered.
“What’s the matter?” He asked.
“Daddy, am I pretty?”
He paused, wondering both where this question came from but also carefully weighing his answer.
“Why do ask that, sweetheart?”
“Some boy today was talking to us, asking us about something and when I answered, he looked right past me at my friend and said, “What does the pretty one think?”
His heart sank. His daughter is the most beautiful girl in the world. Ridiculously intelligent, hysterical, crazy creative and despite the few bad habits she stubbornly clung to, she was an absolute pleasure to know. Her beauty was the early morning dew, the foal tottering around the field, the cubs practicing for the hunt, the softened sea glass awaiting the next tide. He fumbled through ill rehearsed but heartfelt convictions, “Beauty comes in many forms and sometimes people can be insensitive. Yes. You are beautiful. And not just to me.”
She sobbed quietly. Grateful to share this burden that crushed her spirit like none she’d yet felt. She had been guarded with her heart. With boys. Keeping her affections at a safe distance. Now, as she was firmly on the other side of womanhood, she dared reach out and risk herself only to be stung by the bitterness of the pretty quotient. To be told by exclusion that she was not “the pretty one.” She didn’t care to be THAT, but she didn’t want to be NOT that either. “Not pretty” leaves girls in limbo, in a land of nothingness. A place off the edge of the world. The words of a boy, who probably heard that line somewhere and thought it clever, made her feel like everything else about her was worthless. When one is pretty people care what you think. They want to hear you.
Daddy put his arms around her and kissed her head. He had always encouraged her strengths and nurtured her sense of independence but in this he felt helpless to guide her. True beauty is in the poetry of the soul, the compassionate heart, the transcendent mind and yet all he could articulate at this precariously charged moment was, “Beauty comes from within.” This is the beauty of titanium, that becomes stronger and more stunning in the face of ignorance and the storms of doubt. In some way, he hoped this was the beginning of her journey out to the edges of the world, so she would discover, without any doubt, the precious steel of her soul. He whispered into her tousled hair, “Never let the opinions of others shackle your glorious shine.”
PRETTY by KATIE MAKKAI
“This is about my own someday daughter. When you approach me, already stung stained with insecurity begging, ‘Mom, will I be pretty?’ ‘Will I be pretty?’ I will wipe that question from your mouth like cheap lipstick and answer, ‘No! The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be! And no child of mine will be contained in five letters. You will be pretty intelligent. You will be pretty creative. Pretty amazing. But you…will never be merely pretty.”Parents—let’s not lose our girls to the cancer of PRETTY. What can we do to help our sons and daughters learn to see and appreciate all forms of beauty in others? Volunteer for differently abled? Travel to countries where you have to dig through industrial refuse to find the sparkle in the eyes? Read works of beauty buried in caverns of folly? The cancer of Pretty haunts girls for a lifetime spinning wheels with makeup, fashion and body alterations, striving for an ideal that is far too narrow and superficial. And it limits the experience of boys who strive for one dimensional partners. How do we realign our girls and our society with values that uplift and celebrate real beauty? The beauty that shines from within?
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First appeared at Lisalabon.com and is republished on Medium.
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P.S. Also, “let’s ask the pretty one” is hardly evidence that pretty girls are better off than less-pretty girls. It’s not exactly a compliment, more of a condescension. Not all attention is positive attention.
One thing to think about is preparing your daughter not just for childhood or young adulthood but for life. God willing, she will be an old woman someday. You are preparing her not just for her next school year but for the rest of her life. (No pressure! : – ) )
Of course people can worry about their appearance for the rest of their lives, but too many people reach…um…my age and try desperately to hold onto their youthful looks. Some things you may be obsessed with at 14 are hardly on the radar screen when you’re 44.
All, What does the Dad say if his daughter is ugly? kip
Some writers have a good imagination. It’s the message that counts.
OK so I grew up without a father and with very decent genetics in the beauty department. I am also very creative and have always been fascinated by the concept of beauty. I think both beauty and intelligence are very powerful qualities, especially the combination. We are driven by our need to procreate, whether we want to remember this or not. Beauty signals health. We want to pass our genes in the best way and we want our offspring to be loved and successful too. I don’t think the advantages of beauty should be denied. I think it’s best to… Read more »
Nah sorry… I guess my life IS better. Now that I think of it. Kidding!!! Comparing things is a trap!! Oh the problems I would not have if I was kinda ugly… All this said, I really don’t think there are ugly people. It’s all about taking care of yourself, finding your own lifestyle that you are happy with, being confident, happy from within. Trust me… prettiness is no happy pill. Everyone has to work to feel happy. Just build up your own values and value and respect yourself. People will always prey on your insecurities. There will be haters… Read more »
Wow, from some of the comments people really do have misconceptions about pretty women. Lots of pretty women are unhappy. Perhaps they are still better off than the women that are found to be unattractive or less attractive… but being pretty does NOT make a person more happy. It really makes a person realize how superficial the world is and that most people don’t care for the inside. Cause if they like a woman for her looks… how is she supposed to know if the guy actually really loves her? Usually this is not the case. Usually, it’s just people… Read more »
Hmmm I don’t know… when you are considered to be pretty, people ALSO forget about all your other amazing qualities… it’s not that they want to hear what you have to say, they just want to have a reason to engage with you or to stare at your face………
More fathers need to publicly advocate for their daughters to not fall into the trap of “pretty” cancer. When puberty starts that is when the opinions of boys, if a girl is in a co-ed school, matters ALOT to her sense of value. It makes no sense but emotionally it can pack a punch for years. Personally, this is the a critical time for a father to counteract the vulnerabilities of adolescence and society’s definition of attractiveness. In many ways, how a dad supports his daughter(s) during this time, either makes her immune to needing external validation from boys (which… Read more »
Lisa, while I strongly agree with validating and supporting your daughter and her beauty (be it inner and/or outer), it seems to me that clinging to “ideal” concepts of beauty like “True beauty is in the poetry of the soul”, or intelligence, or virtue, is dangerously close to denial. As a matter of FACT, physical beauty is important for practically everybody (although in different amounts), because it’s built-in (besides being a societal pressure). Thus, denying or ignoring this fact is foolish and misleading; it won’t help your daughter. Ignore reality, and it will bite you back, sooner or later. 😉… Read more »
I had a very similar interaction with a friend when I was a little girl. It was an experience that affected my perception of my attractiveness for a bizarrely long time, up past the end of highschool, even. But I think it could have been a LOT worse if my parents had concerned themselves with it. They refused point-blank to even engage with my worries. My mother would respond with the somewhat-related-but-not-really importance of hygiene and would then stress the importance of “looking your best.” But this meant be well-dressed and well-groomed, it wasn’t a comment on physical beauty. My… Read more »
When she asks “Am I pretty?” just look at her and say “No – pretty isn’t a strong enough word – you’re beautiful. And don’t ever forget it.”
And forget all the endless blather about social constructs and feminism and the evil male gaze and the insanity of the age we live in where we carry on endlessly about simple things. And don’t preach.
Tell her she is beautiful and say it whenever she doubts it. Say it as if is impossible to question it. She will believe it.
Bravo! Love it!
Why is saying a girl is pretty so WRONG, yet saying a girl is smart is so right. Most of the time pretty and smart are not earned , they are genetic, you are born smart or born pretty.
Hi Saitek, That’s an interesting question. I suppose if there were truly only two buckets and they were equally rewarded, it wouldn’t matter much. But the reality is that human beings are complex and multi-faceted. Girls deserve a broader array of qualities that are valued aside from whether they won a genetic lottery. Our beauty ideal is based on photoshopped impossible images that reflect a thin minority (pun intended). Boys are looking at faux girls in magazines, whether the creepy cover image of Lindsey Von on Outdoor Magazine, the bouncy cheerleader types at sports events or the silicon injected, genitally… Read more »
It might help to trash princess culture then. Princess culture is the den of “born into it, no effort” culture.
Lisa- I saw this article two days ago and it has resonated with me so much since then. I am the father of a smart, funny, strong, creative, high-energy, good-hearted, at times sassy and pretty five year old girl. I appreciate so greatly what you’ve stated here. The social construction of the importance of “pretty” and the social boundaries that are placed on what is “pretty” and what is not is a dangerous lesson for our young women [and men]. That’s not to say that there is an issue with “pretty” in and of itself, but we need to broaden… Read more »
Hi Andrew, Thank you for your comment. I applaud you for thinking about your daughter and how to bolster her up as she matures. Unfortunately, pretty in our culture is fairly skewed and narrow – literally. A friend’s mother (in her 80s) said that as we mature our beauty turns inside out. We wear on our outside whatever is inside. I would love to see our children recognizing a broader spectrum of beauty around them. When their exposure is limited to television and glamour magazines, I’m not sure where those ideas will come from…but us. And girls are particularly directed… Read more »
Please keep reminding your daughter of all the wonderful attributes she has. One thing I have learned is that beauty is also perception as much as it is physical symmetry. In High School it’s mostly physical but a strong genuine confidence can shift perception even if a person’s looks remain the same. My point is: fathers are number one in how a woman eventually gauges her value in regards to men. It’s developmental psychology 101. The more you build her up inside, the more attractive she is to herself, and that’s the most important person to impress – oneself. True… Read more »
I was never a pretty girl and the truth is, you will be less valued and less loved if you are not pretty. Studies have shown that even parents unconsciously favor more attractive children. If you are not pretty, boys will not like you as much. You will have fewer options for high quality mates. You will suffer discrimination at work. You will generally be treated less well, while pretty girls are treated like princesses (until they get older and stop being pretty).
I have no solutions, it just seems to be the way people are built.
“High-quality mates” hereby defined as “more popular people”, not better people.
You may be right, Sarah. I have heard about this research with parents. I’m sure there is an unconscious biological driver for what we find attractive. I believe there is a ratio of hip to waist that is literally wired into the male brain because it signals fertility and health. I suspect that our culture’s obsession with unattainable perfection is exacerbating this tendency. We all lose because there is so much more to a human being than what’s on the outside. Thank you for your comment.
“You will generally be treated less well, while pretty girls are treated like princesses ”
Its funny, I see things like this said, and I can’t help but think about how all the “pretty” girls do is complain about how “annoying” it is when men hit on them, or how much they “hate” how all their guy friends want to have sex with them. You’d think being pretty just resulted in disadvantages – but privilege is always invisible to those who have it, right?
I opt out in the completely opposite way as Madeira. I put little effort in my appearance. I’m lazy, I’m pragmatic, and I think beauty shouldn’t be THAT artificial that it takes me hours to prepare. So I wear zero make-up most of the time, I don’t wear designer stuff. My handbag is 10 years old, probably more, since it’s a hand-me-down from my mother. I wear sneakers with skirts, and my bra straps might show that I won’t care one bit. I don’t dress to impress people. I dress in what I personally like, for the occasion, and for… Read more »
One should never dress to impress, but to express the authentic self and when possible for the comfort of the company one keeps. I certainly would not worry about making anything more obvious unless you want to…and then it’s good to be aware of why you want to…Awareness and empowerment are key. Thank you for your comment.
I have 3 feet long hair, which I brush every morning (about 3-5 minutes tops) to untangle it (it’s wavy and thick, so prone to tangling, brushing can’t be avoided). I wash the hair every 2 or 3 weeks, and it remains shiny, healthy, and all that good stuff. I do it for my comfort and my friend/family’s comfort (to an extent, my family is half-transphobic, and I won’t cater to them). I value genuineness more than I value popularity and ability to earn money, favors or whatever else comformity could bring. I think normal is overrated, because most people… Read more »
I wear tons of makeup, precisely because I LOATHE “pretty” with a burning passion, I’d rather be Divine (the drag queen) than pretty. I happen to genetically conform to societal standards of beauty, and I do everything in my power to pervert, exaggerate and make unsettling my so called “prettiness”. If I give in to pretty I have to work to maintain pretty, I will be judged based on pretty and I refuse, I opt out.
I love the rebel spirit. You go, girl.