Should holiday gifts to our children be the things they want or the things they need? Larry Bernstein wants to know.
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Eight presents for eight nights. That’s the way Chanukah works in our house. Each night the drama begins anew. We say some prayers, sing a song, and presents are distributed.
And I hold my breath. Praying that the children will be happy with their gifts.
A friend of mine was holding court recently. The topic was Chanukah presents. Specifically, can clothes be given as presents? Now, there are no holy books with great sages’ views on said topic. So, we are left to our own wits. My initial reaction: “Of course they count.”
However, my friend, whose youngest child is in 11th grade, presented his three children’s arguments. Clothes don’t count. They are a necessity. It is a parent’s obligation to clothe their child.
I think my friend might have a lawyer or two in the bunch.
My boys are young. Their mantra is play, play, play, play. If the day was longer, they would play longer. Therefore, the only presents they want are toys.
And I don’t think their behavior/desires are all that unique.
How many prepubescent teen boys care all that much about their wardrobe? Sure they might enjoy wearing a t-shirt displaying the logo of their favorite sports team or their favorite superhero. However, as long as whatever clothes you put them in (they would never call it an outfit) is temperature appropriate, do they really care?
My boys certainly don’t. They barely have the patience to get dressed. They revolt when they see buttons.
So, then maybe my friend’s son had a point. Maybe, shirts don’t count.
After all, what is the point of a gift?
Don’t we buy gifts to make the receiver happy? Don’t you want the person to enjoy the present? Doesn’t seeing the person happy make the giver happy?
As they say, the pleasure in giving is the response of the receiver. It’s supposed to be a selfless act.
And my boys want toys, toys and more toys.
The other night they got their wish. They each received a Lego set, and they were ecstatic. There was actual whooping. They spent the next couple of hours, till bedtime, working on putting the Lego together.
Let me contrast that with a night from last year’s Chanukah.
My older son received a Lego Ninjago shirt. My younger received a Sponge Bob shirt. My older son, a Lego lover, was crying and kept repeating, “I don’t want a shirt. Why would you give me a shirt? I want toys.” My younger son was in disbelief and ignored the present.
Score one for expressiveness. However, it was not a pleasant night.
Part of me was livid at my son’s reaction.
I remember when I was a child that I did get clothes on Chanukah. All of my friends did. While I didn’t jump and down for the eight pack of tube socks, I didn’t cry and throw a tantrum either. I said thanks and walked away. I don’t think my reaction was all that remarkable.
Is it possible times have simply changed? Kids today have different expectations. They are swept up into the consumer culture at a young age. They are bombarded by commercials and led to believe that their desires are to be satisfied.
Maybe, my wife and I are not doing a good enough job. We strive to inculcate our sons with a sense of gratitude and appreciation. We let them know there are plenty of people who are less fortunate and struggling. We regularly give to charity.
Yet, maybe all that seems distant. There are people who are struggling, and then there’s us. Not that we are wealthy, but we haven’t missed a meal, had our power turned off, nor wondered where we will sleep at night.
In addition to these possibilities, there is the nature of Chanukah giving itself which adds to the drama. A child has to wait 24 hours for their next present—an eternity to a young child. So, each night there is pressure to get the “right” gift.
On the other hand, Christmas gift giving seems less dramatic. The children receive a number of gifts at the same time. So, if they receive a shirt or something similarly practical, the child might be disappointed, but the next present is right there, waiting to be opened.
So, do shirts count? I suppose each family needs to make that decision for themselves. However, one thing that should not be an option is a child should do his or her best to appreciate what he/she is given.
My boys should just be appreciative, or next year one night the gift will be underwear.
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Image: Flickr/PermaCultured
You know, I have always wondered about the pressures of Chanukah gift giving. I think you are right- there is more pressure to “get it right” because of the 24 hour delay. I personally think shirts are a great gift, but I like them. I don’t have a definitive answer, but this post raises a great question is a gift of necessity a gift? I would think it is, but I guess if your goal is to please the receiver then you have to bend to their inkling. Love the post and the thought that goes into it. I know… Read more »
I agree with you that it is not about the presents. Like you said though, for kids the presents are important. I am not interested in hearing me people say that their kids don’t care about presents. I am okay with my children wanting presents. They will grow up and we will continue to try and help them appreciate things that adults should.
Larry, I can’t answer for your situation — all I can do is share my own experience growing up. The most dreadful Christmas of all was when, around the age of 12, my parents switched from toys to clothes and such, switched (as I saw it) from things I wanted to things they wanted me to have. Previously, new clothes at the beginning of the school year had been taken for granted. Some guys may have more interest in clothes than I did, but I did not feel thankful, and then felt guilty about not feeling thankful. From that day… Read more »
Thanks for sharing that Jerry. Rough story.
We give a mix of gifts. I would imagine that will continue for some time. I certainly would not my kids to not enjoy and appreciate gifts.
Thanks for sharing that Jerry. Tough story.
We give our kids a mixture of toys and gifts. I forsee that happening for some time. I certainly hope they will always appreciate and enjoy presents.
Larry, this was a little eye opening for me. Although I’m a little familiar with your custom, I never gave it any thought regarding the gift giving. I would imagine that it’s no different then Christmas where it depends on the finances of the family. Kids are kids but a gift is a gift and yeah, they should learn to appreciate whatever they’re given. As I mentioned in a response to another article, Christmas (birth of Jesus) and Christmas (Santa), although coincide, the religious significance of the holiday has nothing to do with gift giving unless you bring in what… Read more »
Yes, the gifts are not the central focus of the holiday. However, for kids gifts are what they look forward to. I will be happy when my children begin to appreciate the holiday itself more and see the gifts as secondary. We’re working on them.