David Mogolov wants to raise his son without the messed-up ideas about gender that kids get taught. Easier said than done.
I’ve posted before about our goal of raising a daughter who rejects our culture’s marginalization of women. We want her to see herself as capable and equal and independent. I haven’t figured out how to do that, exactly, but keeping the goal in the forefront of my mind keeps me aware of my language and the messages she’s getting from her environment, and that awareness helps me make better decisions.
Well, now we have a son, too. He’s three months old. He’s great: a smiling, amiable, dimpled and unsleeping bag of semisolids. At this point, it’s nearly impossible to mold him into a misogynist. Heck, I’m not sure he knows the difference between me and the cat. Forget men and women.
But if there’s anything I’ve learned from my daughter, it’s that kids are QUICK learners. Every single day my daughter says something that reveals not just what she’s been actively taught, but what she’s been passively taught: what she intuited from our behaviors, our preferences, and our silences. From my haphazard approach to organization, she’s already learned an anti-orderliness we need to work on together. From my endless praising of “funny,” it’s become one of her cardinal virtues. Our focus on apologies taught her that the crime is not the crime: failing to apologize is the crime. Oh, that bud is getting nipped.
I’ve no reason to think my son will be any different. He is already watching everything. In a few months, he’ll be forming ideas, and in another year, beginning to express them. And so, surprise, I find myself thinking about how we can raise him to natively reject the marginalization of women. I want to make sure he has no rights or privileges that his sister does not, and to be certain he doesn’t expect them. I think about how we can raise not a gentleman, opening doors for charmed thankful ladies, but a good man making sure doors aren’t shut on deserving, equal women.
Parents with good intentions can easily raise a polite but chauvinistic man. The world doesn’t need more of those, but it’s what most of us are, and it’s what the media helps to manufacture. The American conception of a successful man is of an athletic or corporate conqueror, whose prizes are wealth and blondes. The American conception of a successful woman is the gorgeous blonde princess who captures the quarterback and has it all. Men are supposed to beat men and win women, and women are supposed to please the best men. We don’t say these things, but they’re everywhere. We teach misogyny implicitly, not explicitly.
We want to raise a son who can recognize this and act and speak against it. Not because women need him to in order to see themselves as equal, but because for society to normalize as equal, change has to happen from both sides. My daughter doesn’t need her brother to be a feminist in order for her to recognize her equality, but she needs her brother to help change male behavior. It shouldn’t take courage for a man to speak up against the sexist behavior of his friends, but very few men do or would. Despite our knowing what’s right, we live in a culture where what’s right isn’t normal, and it does take some courage to act against that. We still live in a culture of men as conquerors and women as prizes. For well-intentioned men to make a difference, they have to overcome their advantages. A major advantage men have is that we can do nothing and pay no consequence.
I haven’t thought this all through yet, but I’m beginning to think that fathers have to model a new way for their sons. It’s not enough for a boy to have strong women to learn from: he should see men pushing against the culture, the culture in which the Violence Against Women Act was not only endangered, but in which a Violence Against Women Act is necessary. It’s not enough to be a man that disagrees with the norm: quietly disagreeing doesn’t change anything. Quietly disagreeing reinforces the notion that nothing’s amiss, that the culture isn’t broken. Parenting a better generation requires better than that.
This article was originally posted at The Mogolog.
Photo—minicooper93402/Flickr
I think this is a wonderful article, and I am going to share it with my sister, with whom I help to raise her 4 year old son. We both try to be good examples to him of strong, self-sufficient women AND human beings. It so happens that the important male figures in his life have all “opted out” and left him without male role models or support of any kind. We do not talk about his absentee father or Godfather unless he asks questions about them, and even then, we keep things positive, saying things like “Daddy can’t be… Read more »
It fascinates me that feminists think men live in this world of evil selfish privilege at the ‘top of a ladder’. There isn’t a word of truth in it – sometimes I wish there was. It helps explain feminist hostility to men, but of course a lie cannot be excused. I wish there was some way to convince all of you that it is nonsense. But you hold on to this fantasy. If you let go of it you would stop seeing men as the enemy – and the challenge for feminists is: Are you willing to acknowledge reality? It… Read more »
Mr David Mogolov,
So far there’s 23 commenter’s who can see the hypocrisy in feminism, so we must be a bunch of misogynists, who hate women or we definitely can see through the male shaming tactics & by the way the other three comments agreeing with you are by two females , one of them is a declared feminist, I believe the second lady used wording that paints are as such too, food for thought.
That poor kid. Raising a son who opposes the mysterious Evil Patriarchy and accepts the negative view of the male sex. There is so much of that now. But at least adults have a choice as to whether to accept that masculinity is bad and that the female perspective is inevitably the correct and superior one. Here you are referring to a child who is being indoctrinated in feminism without a choice. What will you do if he tries to assert his masculine identity? If he shows ambition or strength or courage? If he is not sufficiently passive? We know… Read more »
by all means teach your son on these principles. But ALSO teach him that he is by far, statistically, more likely to violently batter another MALE than a female — and that he will be purposely discriminated against in the workplace / education system due to his gender.
Actually Ryan: Statistically he is WAY more likely to batter NO ONE, man or woman
Perhaps the author should teach his son about the needs of boys and the education gap impacting males. Boys face increased number of disciplines in school and fewer are graduating high school and college.
How about just raising him to be a good person? Being fair and kind to everyone includes women.
It’s chauvinistic to teach the kid to treat women special. You have to teach him the important differences between men and women, but you shouldn’t be raising him to have this internalized guilt. Trust me, I know from being raised by a feminist.
It messes you up.
I wish the GMP had a “so say I” button. I’m going to second everything Tom Brechlin has said and add that the rights of women are no more important than those of men.
Also, I’d like every feminist who reads this and sees a commercial on TV that portrays men as idiots incapable of changing a diaper or telling the difference between yogurt and dessert to call up the offending manufacturer and complain that they’re denigrating men lyou’d like them to take some responsibility for gender issues.
I hear a lot about “patriarchal” and how bad it is. Don’t see “matriarch” mentioned? Given the stats on the number of single parent (moms) households, shouldn’t we be looking at the profound affects of what’s possibly becoming a matriarchal society promoted by feminism?
Thanks for writing this. As a woman, and mom of both a daughter and a son, I appreciate you putting this out there. I know men who agree with you too- keep sharing your thoughts.
Thank you for this. I appreciate what you are doing. I feel as though there are many men, well-meaning who don’t understand what it truly means to be an ally against sexism. I don’t really understand the comments that say you are not raising a man who cannot stand up for himself. I think it is very clear that women can hurt men or harass them but I have to honest, there are very few men who will stand up and really defend women not from a place of, “I must protect her.” but rather a place of, “I don’t… Read more »
…there are very few men who will stand up and really defend women not from a place of, “I must protect her.” but rather a place of, “I don’t want people to harm other people” and that’s what we need. Interestingly, that latter motivation isn’t inherently gender specific, so it’s not really up to men to stand up for women, but for people to stand up for other people, right? Assuming such “standing up” includes the assumption of physical risk in some circumstances (e.g., gunman opening fire in a theater), the gender-neutral version of that ideal would be both men… Read more »
Woman: “I don’t really understand the comments that say you are not raising a man who cannot stand up for himself. I think it is very clear that women can hurt men or harass them but I have to honest, there are very few men who will stand up and really defend women not from a place of, “I must protect her.” but rather a place of, “I don’t want people to harm other people” and that’s what we need. The kind of healing that recognizes the humanity in others and remains mindful of it.” Sorry but I don’t understand… Read more »
I’ll echo the sentiments and just say that if you teach your son to only think about the rights and needs of women, he’s going to grow up without any idea of his own individuality, identity, and respect for himself. The third is important because it’s this tool he’s going to need should he face serious harm from women (and yes, women are capable of hurting men. So please skip the “it doesn’t happen often to be a concern” statement). And what happens if he’s harassed or abused by a woman? Heaven help him with this skewed, one-sided perspective you’re… Read more »
” the culture in which the Violence Against Women Act was not only endangered, but in which a Violence Against Women Act is necessary. ”
And what culture is that? I like to have some examples….
The culture which continues to reinforce the idea that men are bad and women are victims.
Now that things have changed so much, where so many males are raised by females, I’m curious as to when women will start to take responsibility for the men/boys and their behaviors? We’re good at pointing out how the media, TV, movies, etc. are contributing to how men/boys act. When are the feminists going to lay all the cards on the table and take responsibility for their contributions as to how men/boys behave these days?
Excellent point! I , however am not going to hold my breath waiting for feminist to “lay the cards on the table and take responsibility for their contributions as to how men/boys behave these days?”
The whole concept of a law such as VAWA is un-American! one of the foundations of our country, of our constitution is Equal protection under the law. Our constitution guarantees it! Now for sure this has been badly interpreted throughout our history (racial, ethnic and gender discrimination are prime examples). The wonder of the U.S.A. is that , while are past is full of mistakes, we’re constantly evolving and attempting to ‘Get it Right’. I DO NOT believe however, in the idea of ‘Special’ laws for “Certain’ class of citizens! The very concept to me seems ‘Orwellian’ (Think the end… Read more »
To start with, Blessed Easter to all of you who recognize it.
It appears you’re coming out of the gate teaching your son that girls are victims and that he should expect that because he’s a male that he has an advantage over females, simply because of his gender. This is something you will eventually see as inaccurate.
You have a wonderful opportunity to remove the labels and teach your son to simply be a good person to all people. You could have easily made this article gender neutral.
I have a message in moderation….
“To conclude though, that men are the primary agents of gender oppression, that women are the maligned passive party, and that men should change so women may receive equity is outrageously hypocritical. Do you see no irony in criticizing a sexist world view that makes men actors and women objects while simultaneously applying that framework to diagnose the root cause of gender oppression and its prescribed solution? ”
That presumption is already sexist by itself. And I find kinda sad that some people truly buy into it.
“The American conception of a successful man is of an athletic or corporate conqueror, whose prizes are wealth and blondes. The American conception of a successful woman is the gorgeous blonde princess who captures the quarterback and has it all. Men are supposed to beat men and win women, and women are supposed to please the best men.” You know, I agree with this statement but my interpretation is 180 degree from yours. In my mind, this is as much evidence of misandry as it is misogyny, that the net consequence of this expectation is the wholesale marginalization of men… Read more »
Yes, most feminist will admit that both sexes are complicit in “The Patriarchy”, but often put the onus on their sons for changing things. For their daughters, their only goal is to as strong and as independent as they possibly can be. By doing this they’ve done their part in fighting back against “the Patriarchy” and need to do no more. For boys, they are encouraged not only to treat women with respect, but to take it upon themselves to help police male behavior that enforces gender roles and stereotypes. And female behavior and attitudes that help enforce gender roles?… Read more »
“I think about how we can raise not a gentleman, opening doors for charmed thankful ladies, but a good man making sure doors aren’t shut on deserving, equal women.”
Wicked awesome article, but that’s probably my favourite line.
And what is he teaching his daughter? This young boy is being raised to accommodate women and their needs. Where does he address the real life issues that his son will have to face as a male? It’s all about the females and little to nothing with regard to boys/men.
The reason that quote is probably my favourite is precisely because it’s about teaching his son NOT to “accommodate women and their need.” That’s part of the point…teaching his son that it’s not his job to take care of women. (That’s the, “not a gentleman, opening doors for charmed thankful ladies” part). But it is his job to make sure he’s not participating in a system that’s blocked women from a lot of the most privileged spaces in society (That’s the “making sure the doors aren’t shut,” part).
Give an example as to how he could “blocked women from a lot of the most privileged spaces in society” What spaces are you talking about? I believe a lot of men have given in to a system and accordingly and accordingly have accommodated women. Should he fight against affirmative action moves? So where exactly are these “privileged spaces?”
Was your son circumcised? If so then she has already enjoyed privilege above him. “It’s not enough for a boy to have strong women to learn from: he should see men pushing against the culture, the culture in which the Violence Against Women Act was not only endangered, but in which a Violence Against Women Act is necessary.” The same act that for so long ignored male victims and still has issues with the duluth model of ignoring female violence? I do hope you are teaching your daughter to not be misandrist too because focusing on stopping misogyny whilst ignoring… Read more »
This same article could have been worded for his daughter as well. And people wonder why men struggle with feminism? A 3month old is already being influenced that he runs the chance of being a bad person simply because he’s male. “Chauvinist” … a term that I haven’t heard in a long time.
Conforming to our societies’ ideals of masculinity has it’s advantages. It’s why most boys do it.
By raising him as a feminist, you are putting the needs of women ahead of the needs of your son. Let him decide what he wants to do when he is an adult.
“Parents with good intentions can easily raise a polite but chauvinistic man. The world doesn’t need more of those, but it’s what most of us are”
Boy, off to a flying start there. Speak for yourself buddy rather than trying to guilt most of the male population. Considering your son is going to have a whole raft of disadvantages growing up purely for the fact he is male (education system anyone?), perhaps you’d be better served making sure the door doesn’t get shut on HIS equality.