- It’s harder to take a punch than to throw one.
- Find the people who make you laugh and follow them around like a golden retriever. Laughing is like a vitamin. You can never get enough of it.
- A guy who hugs a lot is comfortable in his own skin.
- Read poetry.
- There’s nothing wrong with looking at porn, but having sex with someone you care about is a thousand times more fun.
- When you feel like crying, for joy or out of pain, let ‘er rip. If you don’t those tears out, they will calcify in your chest and make it harder to love as fully and deeply as you would like to.
- Crank the tunes when you have to clean the house.
- Look deeply into the eyes of the one you are falling for to get a glimpse of his or her soul.
- Spend a chunk of time every year with people who are much less fortunate than you are. It will fill your heart with gratitude.
- Never lie about anything really important. The first lie will cause you to have to lie again and again to cover up the truth. And each time you’ll chip away an important piece of yourself.
- Find work that makes you happy. If you can change the world in the process all the better.
- If you get the chance to travel across the country or across the globe, take it. You will learn way more from people who are different from you than the ones who are the same.
- Doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. But you are going to make mistakes. Tons of them. The real question is what you will learn from them.
- Don’t be in any rush to get married. Divorce really sucks. A good marriage can start when you’re 21 or 61.
- There’s nothing wrong with a Cuban cigar once in a while.
- Money and power look good, but they won’t fill your being with joy the way your family will.
- If you like guys, I will fight for your ability to have equal rights in every way.
- Find a way to move your body that gives you pleasure. You don’t have to be an athlete to be a man, but your body is a temple and you need to care for it, enjoy it, and use it to express yourself.
- Drinking can be fun in moderation. Just make sure to ask for help if you find yourself blacking out or doing things you regret.
- Radical honesty will get you very far in this world. Most people don’t have the guts to speak their mind, regardless of the consequences.
- Always give your spouse birthday presents in bed.
- Find a spirituality that you can wear like a loose coat that keeps you warm no matter the weather. God should provide you comfort not make you feel ashamed of yourself.
- Sex is great but holding your spouse in the middle of the night is one of the best feelings any guy can have.
- Live passionately. Dream big. Don’t back down.
- Always remember I love you, no matter what happens. You cannot lose me. I will always be there.
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If you enjoyed this piece you might like Tom Matlack’s Raising Boys (A Dad’s Advice for Moms)
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that was awesome.. 😀
— but… isn’t #15 kind of illegal? LoL ~ hand-made/hand-rolled cigars from Puerto Rico (a USA territory) would be better… The Don Collins line, Don-Collins.com, are made by the oldest cigar company in the world, Puerto Rico Tobacco Corporation (founded in 1506).
I was told that most of Cuba’s tobacco isn’t native to Cuba; some major fire wiped out most of their crops; they had to import from PR and other places and replant… a Cuban cigar, technically, isn’t likely to be really/authentically Cuban (well, other than it was assembled there). 🙂
And don’t forget the sunscreen! Hee, hee. My apologies to Baz Luhrmann.
Glad to see some people have called out the “there’s nothing wrong with looking at porn” nonsense. If you want a son who sees women as equals and is not a lousy, self-centred, unimaginative lover, don’t encourage porn use. We can all pretend “it’s just looking at sex” but we know that in reality porn is about abusing women (and supporting an unethical, exploitive industry), calling them degrading names, banging and hurting and acting contemptuously of their bodies and is also about older men preying on as-young-as-you-can-get-away-with girls. Not cool at all. Try a little hand cream and your imagination,… Read more »
I find this very, very accurate, I’d only wish to add one more thing:
Wouldn’t all these great advises apply to daughters too? Cause I really think they are as good for men as for women.
(I apology if it is indeed addressed to both males and females, I actually don’t know if it is or not, hence the question)
That was a nice list. My parents were not very open with their children and that affected our communication, even to this day. We weren’t allowed to show “negative” emotion..no tears could be shed unless you were spanked. I’m just glad you encourage your children to express their feelings..whatever they may be.
Number 10… Ugh! Never lie. For every good reason there is to lie, there is always a better reason to tell the truth, even if it simply means employing the choicest words and tact. Plus, it (number 10) then contradicts number 20. All-in-all, great stuff as usual. Keep up the great work!
this post made me cry. My son has an absent dad and feels that affects him very much. I wish I had a man that could tell him these things. I’ve tried, but it doesn’t mean the same. He’s an amazing child, I wish he had an amazing Dad too.
Tom, Thanks for writing this article. I admit I teared up. My parents divorced when I was young, and I never saw my dad again. I wish he had been around to teach me some of these lessons along the way, and say some of these words. I’m glad someone’s father says them, and that I at least got to read them.
This brought tears to my eyes. Never thought I’d say this, but thank you for making me cry.
Tom, how about a corresponding list of what you’d like your daughter to know about life/men/dads?
This is a great list with a lot of great reminders to all of us dads. If I were making a list, which I won’t because your list is fantastic, my list would include to apologize when you’re the offender. I always tell my kids that I’m sorry when I mess up and let them hear me say it to others when I offend another person.
#25 made me burst into tears. Losing their dad before they get to know him as adults is a huge fear I have for my sons. He is a wonderful man and I am so thankful to have him in our lives. Good Men, Good Dads… We need more of them.
Also, “God should provide you comfort, not make you feel ashamed of yourself” is BEAUTIFUL.
Your article is a reflection of the type of father the new century deserves, Tom. The 25 things you would like your son to know are messages of assurance that can only help to further develop confidence in their world and belief in a father to whom they can always look for support and strength. Some could critique individual points, but the totality of the message is clear and will go a long way. As a gay man respecting your spirit of being the best man and father you can be, I suggest you consider your #17: “If you like… Read more »
I can attest that Tom (like anybody else on the GMP team) is already “fighting for the ability for everybody to have equal rights”. 🙂
Good list. Some great advice in there. I also recommend Max Ehrmann’s prose piece; the Desiderata
is also a great source of excellent advice for everyone:
http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm
Hi Tom, First of all I would like to thank you for putting this list together. I lost my father when I was 15, and for the next 10 years I have felt lost by not having a male figure in my life. My mother did her best to raise me and protect me but for a young man trying to make his way in this strange and complicated world there is no substitute for a strong father figure. I have always looked up to my father because through him I learned unconditional love. Reading your list reminded me a… Read more »
Thanks for this. I have 2 young sons (10 and 5) and never did really have a father. Much of this list gave me chills as I was reading. It will inspire me to be a much better dad. It also has me thinking of my own list of 25 things to give my sons! Tom – thanks for this!
This was excellent. Really made me appreciate all the values my father instilled in me just a little bit more. Can’t wait to get out of work and go spend some time with him today. Thank you.
Tom, you sound like an amazing father. As a 21 year old gay male I WISH I had a father who would have said HALF of those statements.
Thank you Tom. I couldn’t have said it better myself!
Disagree with a number of these posts — there are MANY problems with porn addiction that have destroyed families and marriages… as well as a hosts of others. There are nice sentiments to this, but it is purely subjective.
@Patrick: “there are MANY problems with porn addiction that have destroyed families and marriages” Any addiction is a symptom, NOT a cause. Alcohol doesn’t make an alcolist (otherwise every drinker would become one), there’s a deeper reason for the addiction, and alcohol is just a mean to that. In the same way, porn use never makes (in itself) a porn addict, it’s just a way to an addiction when there’s a deeper cause. Pointing to the addiction instead of investigating the real, deeper cause, is myopic, superficial and – above else – useless. 😕 It’s making a fuss above the… Read more »
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=wSF82AwSDiU
Yes I know. And I can agree.
But there’s a HUGE difference between use and abuse: porn use is ok (as Tom said), porn abuse is not. Hysteria about porn does forget that, so it creates more confusion than understanding.
Anybody saying “Porn is bad, bad, BAD! (no matter what)” is just creating more confusion (like any black&white thinking).
Tom’s post, more wisely, is about education. Knowledge and awareness are empowering, hysteria is not: it’s more damaging than helping (but, again, it’s so much easier…).
Nicely said Valter.
People are by nature curious, he is simply saying that when this curiousity does not come at the cost of other things it is okay to explore it…. instead of preaching perfection- which is unrealistic.
His advice is very warming
Thank you for sharing
Soo many good points in this post, but yes I agree with you on the porn. It’s healthy to explore sexuality in a healthy manner, but I don’t deem porn to be a healthy means of education in any stance. teaching our children about intimacy and faithfulness is more important, neither of which is advocated by porn.
I completely agree. The only healthy lesson about porn is to stay away from it. There is absolutely no good that comes from it. But I guess we all have our opinions.
Hi Tom
You tell your young sons that porn is OK.
I do not want to he disrespectful,but let me ask you a questions:
If your son or daughter wants to become a porn star, or a producer of porn would you support this wholeheartedly ?
Thanks for this insightful list, Tom. I shed a tear when I read #6, your description of what happens if you don’t is very true. I also appreciated the advice of marriage, I am engaged to the love of my life, and this advice is just what I needed this week.
May your marriage be filled with happiness Phillip!
Love this, great list. Very important stuff.
#17 made me tear up. My dad was very cool when I came out to him, but it certainly would’ve been a less terrifying prospect if he had said something like this before the issue came up. If one of your sons turns out to be gay, he is very lucky to have you as a dad.
Thanks Jason, hope you and your dad have a great relationship now.
Excellent list, Tom. You’re always as smart as you’re heart-warming. 🙂
But…
“Laughing is like a vitamin. You can never get enough of it.”
Actually, you can get TOO MUCH of vitamins! 😉
It’s called hypervitaminosis and it’s not nice ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitamin_poisoning )
Of course this doesn’t apply to laughing! 😆
Love this! I have a son (and a daughter) and will be sharing.