- It’s harder to take a punch than to throw one.
- Find the people who make you laugh and follow them around like a golden retriever. Laughing is like a vitamin. You can never get enough of it.
- A guy who hugs a lot is comfortable in his own skin.
- Read poetry.
- There’s nothing wrong with looking at porn, but having sex with someone you care about is a thousand times more fun.
- When you feel like crying, for joy or out of pain, let ‘er rip. If you don’t those tears out, they will calcify in your chest and make it harder to love as fully and deeply as you would like to.
- Crank the tunes when you have to clean the house.
- Look deeply into the eyes of the one you are falling for to get a glimpse of his or her soul.
- Spend a chunk of time every year with people who are much less fortunate than you are. It will fill your heart with gratitude.
- Never lie about anything really important. The first lie will cause you to have to lie again and again to cover up the truth. And each time you’ll chip away an important piece of yourself.
- Find work that makes you happy. If you can change the world in the process all the better.
- If you get the chance to travel across the country or across the globe, take it. You will learn way more from people who are different from you than the ones who are the same.
- Doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. But you are going to make mistakes. Tons of them. The real question is what you will learn from them.
- Don’t be in any rush to get married. Divorce really sucks. A good marriage can start when you’re 21 or 61.
- There’s nothing wrong with a Cuban cigar once in a while.
- Money and power look good, but they won’t fill your being with joy the way your family will.
- If you like guys, I will fight for your ability to have equal rights in every way.
- Find a way to move your body that gives you pleasure. You don’t have to be an athlete to be a man, but your body is a temple and you need to care for it, enjoy it, and use it to express yourself.
- Drinking can be fun in moderation. Just make sure to ask for help if you find yourself blacking out or doing things you regret.
- Radical honesty will get you very far in this world. Most people don’t have the guts to speak their mind, regardless of the consequences.
- Always give your spouse birthday presents in bed.
- Find a spirituality that you can wear like a loose coat that keeps you warm no matter the weather. God should provide you comfort not make you feel ashamed of yourself.
- Sex is great but holding your spouse in the middle of the night is one of the best feelings any guy can have.
- Live passionately. Dream big. Don’t back down.
- Always remember I love you, no matter what happens. You cannot lose me. I will always be there.
If you enjoyed this piece you might like Tom Matlack’s Raising Boys (A Dad’s Advice for Moms)
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About Tom Matlack
Thanks for this insightful list, Tom. I shed a tear when I read #6, your description of what happens if you don’t is very true. I also appreciated the advice of marriage, I am engaged to the love of my life, and this advice is just what I needed this week.
May your marriage be filled with happiness Phillip!
Disagree with a number of these posts — there are MANY problems with porn addiction that have destroyed families and marriages… as well as a hosts of others. There are nice sentiments to this, but it is purely subjective.
@Patrick: “there are MANY problems with porn addiction that have destroyed families and marriages”
Any addiction is a symptom, NOT a cause.
Alcohol doesn’t make an alcolist (otherwise every drinker would become one), there’s a deeper reason for the addiction, and alcohol is just a mean to that.
In the same way, porn use never makes (in itself) a porn addict, it’s just a way to an addiction when there’s a deeper cause.
Pointing to the addiction instead of investigating the real, deeper cause, is myopic, superficial and – above else – useless.
It’s making a fuss above the “finger”, while there’s a big “moon” hovering above.
But, of course, understanding is hard work, while judging is SOOO much easier…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=wSF82AwSDiU
Yes I know. And I can agree.
But there’s a HUGE difference between use and abuse: porn use is ok (as Tom said), porn abuse is not. Hysteria about porn does forget that, so it creates more confusion than understanding.
Anybody saying “Porn is bad, bad, BAD! (no matter what)” is just creating more confusion (like any black&white thinking).
Tom’s post, more wisely, is about education. Knowledge and awareness are empowering, hysteria is not: it’s more damaging than helping (but, again, it’s so much easier…).
Nicely said Valter.
People are by nature curious, he is simply saying that when this curiousity does not come at the cost of other things it is okay to explore it…. instead of preaching perfection- which is unrealistic.
His advice is very warming
Thank you for sharing
Soo many good points in this post, but yes I agree with you on the porn. It’s healthy to explore sexuality in a healthy manner, but I don’t deem porn to be a healthy means of education in any stance. teaching our children about intimacy and faithfulness is more important, neither of which is advocated by porn.
I completely agree. The only healthy lesson about porn is to stay away from it. There is absolutely no good that comes from it. But I guess we all have our opinions.
Hi Tom
You tell your young sons that porn is OK.
I do not want to he disrespectful,but let me ask you a questions:
If your son or daughter wants to become a porn star, or a producer of porn would you support this wholeheartedly ?
Thank you Tom. I couldn’t have said it better myself!
Tom, you sound like an amazing father. As a 21 year old gay male I WISH I had a father who would have said HALF of those statements.
This was excellent. Really made me appreciate all the values my father instilled in me just a little bit more. Can’t wait to get out of work and go spend some time with him today. Thank you.
Thanks for this. I have 2 young sons (10 and 5) and never did really have a father. Much of this list gave me chills as I was reading. It will inspire me to be a much better dad. It also has me thinking of my own list of 25 things to give my sons! Tom – thanks for this!
Hi Tom, First of all I would like to thank you for putting this list together. I lost my father when I was 15, and for the next 10 years I have felt lost by not having a male figure in my life. My mother did her best to raise me and protect me but for a young man trying to make his way in this strange and complicated world there is no substitute for a strong father figure. I have always looked up to my father because through him I learned unconditional love. Reading your list reminded me a lot of him and his wisdom. If he were to write out his own list I bet it would look quite similar to this one. Thank you once again.
Good list. Some great advice in there. I also recommend Max Ehrmann’s prose piece; the Desiderata
is also a great source of excellent advice for everyone:
http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm
Your article is a reflection of the type of father the new century deserves, Tom. The 25 things you would like your son to know are messages of assurance that can only help to further develop confidence in their world and belief in a father to whom they can always look for support and strength. Some could critique individual points, but the totality of the message is clear and will go a long way.
As a gay man respecting your spirit of being the best man and father you can be, I suggest you consider your #17: “If you like guys, I will fight for your ability to have equal rights in every way.” Though this message is the message many gay teens would dream of hearing upon coming out to their parents, especially boys to their fathers, there is still more you could provide in your message if you desire. Starting now to fight for the ability of your son (or daughter) to have equal rights in every way would allow you to say to them “If you like guys, I will continue to fight for your ability to have equal rights in every way, as I’ve been fighting for so long.” Not only will they know you want what’s best for them, but you’ve been fighting for them all along…and now they can trust that you will continue to do so. And if they don’t “like guys” you will be a man of honor who they can follow into adulthood fighting for the same rights for which you fought, though not for them, perhaps for their brother, sister, cousin, or other young person in your lives who will ultimately be looking to you BOTH for guidance and leadership one day.
Our world needs more dads/men like you who would speak this way to their sons. Very impressive articles. Thanks.
I can attest that Tom (like anybody else on the GMP team) is already “fighting for the ability for everybody to have equal rights”.
#25 made me burst into tears. Losing their dad before they get to know him as adults is a huge fear I have for my sons. He is a wonderful man and I am so thankful to have him in our lives. Good Men, Good Dads… We need more of them.
Also, “God should provide you comfort, not make you feel ashamed of yourself” is BEAUTIFUL.
This is a great list with a lot of great reminders to all of us dads. If I were making a list, which I won’t because your list is fantastic, my list would include to apologize when you’re the offender. I always tell my kids that I’m sorry when I mess up and let them hear me say it to others when I offend another person.
Tom, how about a corresponding list of what you’d like your daughter to know about life/men/dads?
This brought tears to my eyes. Never thought I’d say this, but thank you for making me cry.
Tom, Thanks for writing this article. I admit I teared up. My parents divorced when I was young, and I never saw my dad again. I wish he had been around to teach me some of these lessons along the way, and say some of these words. I’m glad someone’s father says them, and that I at least got to read them.
this post made me cry. My son has an absent dad and feels that affects him very much. I wish I had a man that could tell him these things. I’ve tried, but it doesn’t mean the same. He’s an amazing child, I wish he had an amazing Dad too.
Number 10… Ugh! Never lie. For every good reason there is to lie, there is always a better reason to tell the truth, even if it simply means employing the choicest words and tact. Plus, it (number 10) then contradicts number 20. All-in-all, great stuff as usual. Keep up the great work!