31 Reasons Why Men Don’t Cheat

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There’s a lot of talk about what makes men cheat.

Pat Robertson said, “I mean, he’s a man”, and the world seems to agree: Men cheat because they’re men.

But wait a minute… We here at The Good Men Project know a lot of guys who don’t cheat—guys who are committed to being faithful to their partners. And knowing all these good guys, we certainly do not support the notion that masculinity=infidelity.

And so, as a response to The Huffington Post’s “Why Do Men Cheat: 26 Reasons Guys Cheat, According to Men“, we offer you 31 reasons men do NOT cheat, from men and those who love them.

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First, GMP founder Tom Matlack explains why he doesn’t cheat:

I honestly think my wife is the most beautiful woman on the planet.

From Todd Mauldin, writer and Bluesman:

I don’t cheat for 3 reasons:

1. I really, really love my wife.
2. I respect myself too much to break my vows.
3. Cheating looks like way too much goddamn work.

David and Shanel – Jan Garcia Photography, Los Angeles

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And here’s what we learned from our Twitter followers:

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SPC. Brian Nieves, and his wife Erin. Brian is currently serving in Afghanistan.

And our Marriage Editor, Gint Aras offers us a number of reasons why:

1.) My wife doesn’t give me any reason. I have no interest in cheating on her. Whatever problem I might have, I’m aware, would only become worse, as I grew up in a house of infidelity.

My wife is not sexually possessive of me in the least. I have told her many of my sex fantasies, even the most idiotic ones. If Eva Green or Scarlett Johanson seduced me, enamored simply because of my looks or charm, demanded a one night stand of no-strings-attached sex in some swank hotel, the first person I would tell afterwards would be my wife. She would almost certainly celebrate this crazy experience and demand to know all the details. It would probably make her horny, and we’d have the best sex of our marriage. She’d announce it on Facebook, “Gint laid Scarlett!” No one would believe her. Scarlett would deny it.

(Scarlett and/or Eva, if you happen across this article and get turned on, please e-mail me. Discretion guaranteed.)

2.) My father cheated on my mother and I don’t want to “become him”. I have children of my own now. I know what damage it does to a kid’s self-esteem. It’s an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a child’s need for security and trust.

3.) Here’s a shocker. I love my wife enormously. I worry about her daily. My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs. I want my wife to have time to develop her musical career, and I don’t want her to feel that her primary role in the marriage is to fuss and fret over my every need, whatever it is. She gave birth to my children, and she does an amazing job raising them. Our little boy is still an infant, and the late nights exhaust her. The best gift I can often give is time for her to rest, and I feel I never give her enough.

4.) Let’s pretend I got so horny that I couldn’t handle it anymore and, rejected for the thousandth time by my wife, I found myself wanting a sex partner. Where the hell would I find one? I have two children and work daily. During my free time, I scramble to get writing done. What should I do? Ask women at work if they’re interested in an affair? That’s an inevitable cycle of rejections, and I get enough of that from querying agents and editors.

Even if the solution were an AdultFriendFinder account, I’d have no time to meet with this Adult Friend. And if I did meet with her, I’d probably be too exhausted for anything besides a quickie. Also, I would demand a clean bill of health, very recent notes from at least two doctors. Quite frankly, a Fleshlight is more attractive than this.

5.) I don’t find it empowering. Unless you find a married woman who must also hide the affair from her husband, you give away enormous leverage. A single woman, as we see again and again, can blackmail a married man, and if she has anything to gain financially, she’d be a fool not to. Now…a married woman who wants an affair? Really? With me? What a wackjob.

From Blogger and GMP contributor Atalwin Pilon:

I thought I did not cheat because it was the honorable thing to do but I learned that the other side is also true: I fear being a jerk, I fear losing love, I fear the shame and I fear the guilt. I used to think that my faithfulness was a cool thing but I now sometimes think that my inability to cheat is a weakness. I want to be faithful out of love, not because I simply dont have the courage to pick the forbidden fruit. But working on it.

Rip Wallace says:

Because it is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.

Shawn Peters adds:

I don’t cheat because even on the worst days, when our connection feels frayed and our rhythms are off and everything we say is abrasive and misconstrued, I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change everything, and that’s not what I want.

And finally, some wisdom from Michael Taylor:

The media generated perception is that men are incapable of being monogamous. The truth is that all men are capable of monogamy if they choose.

I choose to be monogamous because I took the time to discover the emotional and psychological issues that kept me from experiencing deep levels of intimacy with a woman. As a result of my “inner work” I am now able to experience deep levels of trust, intimacy and connection with my wife.

Nothing is more important to me than sharing my life with the woman who is absolutely perfect for me. Our relationship is perfect as a result of it’s imperfections and I love the emotional security that comes from knowing that my wife is deeply devoted to me and our marriage.

In answer to the question “why I don’t cheat” it’s really simple, I authentically love my wife and have developed a partnership that fulfills me in every way imaginable.

Contrary to popular belief I believe most men would like to have a loving, caring, rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Too many men simply aren’t willing to learn how to do so.

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Comments

  1. Many Good Honest Men like us will Never Cheat. But the real problem for us is finding a Good Woman that Doesn’t Cheat these days.

  2. Thank you Michael Taylor. Thank you thank you thank you!! And Deiter. And YL……and others here that restore my hope!! If no one else tells you, which I know others do, but if they don’t tell you today, I totally appreciate what you’ve shared about who you are. If only…

  3. Kate Rose says:

    It’s interesting that we say that only really ‘men cheat’. If that’s the case, who are they cheating with? I’m sure they’re not JUST cheating with single women or other men?

    I’m a woman and I cheat. I’m married. I’m also bored. Women get very bored with men very quickly. Most of my girlfriends cheat or have cheated too. It’s got nothing to do with lack of anything. It’s a personal thing. New men are exciting, particularly if they have a hotter body or bigger c*ck. it really can be that simple. Sex with a man you’ve been with for a long time IS extremely boring. I don’t imagine it is much different for men.

    Yes I could get divorced. Shack up with a lover? But what’s the point. Most men eventually become all the same and certainly the outcome does…boredom.

    I have always wanted all my partners to ‘cheat’. But they won’t! They have this sense of loyalty! What is with that? Not all us women want a monogamous relationship or a loyal man. Some … (Most?) of us want a man to cheat so a) he doesn’t bother us with his needs b) we can happily cheat too.

    I mean we call it cheating but really all we’re doing us having fun, intimacy, love & sex with another person. Surely we can all grow up a little and let our partners have that?

  4. Orzealyea says:

    I pray that I meet a man that doesn’t cheat and I would want the both of us to work on making each other happy and communicate with one another so we can keep our relationship strong.

  5. Angelina says:

    Men cheat. End of story. Given the opportunity to and knowing they won’t get caught, they’ll cheat. Whether it’s pornography, soft porn via HBO shows, or strip clubs–it’s all a form of cheating. If it leads to fantasizing about sex with another individual, it’s cheating. Maybe not physical, but still cheating all the same. So don’t tell me men watch pornography so that they don’t cheat; that is cheating. As women, unfortunately, we’re just required to live with it cause it’s just in their nature. God forbid if the roles are reversed though…point is, men are always engaging in some form of adultery or another. It’s never going to change.

    • Orzealyea says:

      That’s right Gray tell ‘ em

    • WoMen cheat. End of story. Given the opportunity to and knowing they won’t get caught, they’ll cheat. Whether it’s pornography, soft porn via HBO shows, or strip clubs–it’s all a form of cheating. If it leads to fantasizing about sex with another individual, it’s cheating. Maybe not physical, but still cheating all the same. So don’t tell me women watch pornography so that they don’t cheat; that is cheating. As men, unfortunately, we’re just required to live with it cause it’s just in their nature. God forbid if the roles are reversed though…point is, women are always engaging in some form of adultery or another. It’s never going to change.

      Unless you realize that people are people and they treat us
      exactly how we train them to treat us,
      you will die a bitter old maid.
      Ans if you have any relations with men in the meantime,
      they are sure to poisoned by your toxic attitude.

      Change your mind. Change your world.

      I no longer expect or offer monogamy or exclusivity in my relationships.
      When you no longer try to control another person’s behavior,
      you will be more in control of your own.

      And until you find a way to manage your anger and find your own Bliss,
      please stay out of the dating pool.
      I would not want to wake up next to the likes of you…

  6. Some men are stronger than others….but, men don’t cheat because they’re not presented with the opportunity, that’s all. EVERY MAN has his treshold. Some are just higher than the rest.

  7. These are all great posts. Reading these reasons makes me feel good and they are inspirational. They are a bit simplistic though, and I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do about intimacy.

    Yes, the “I” word. I need only one thing from a woman – intimacy. If she pulls that away from me, toys with it, gives it to someone else, or even threatens to give it to someone else, then she is failing the most basic of all roles as a woman. She should be the sole provider of my romantic intimacy. Sex, trust, and respect are a part of that for me. So if she is doing anything to harm any of these three things then she is harming our intimacy (same goes for me, of course).

    When people cheat, it is too often claimed that they are “cheaters” and hence evil. Or that they have physical or sexual needs. It is more complicated than this for most men, I think. But because it keeps getting twisted in this way, we never really address the problem.

    We are a sex-obsesses culture and too many Americans grow up knowing nothing about true intimacy – women as much as men – and so it should not be surprising that people feel unfulfilled.

  8. Men also have a different idea about cheating, many women see pornography as cheating. Maybe not in the traditional sense but, most women who know that their men are looking at other women, especially in a fantasy setting, feel as if they were cheated on. It sets an impossible ideal that makes women feel shamed of their own features and sexuality. How many men still look at porn even though it is just a step away from cheating? Most, why? Because men can’t help but give into nature over self control and true commitment. Most men need to see other women in order to not cheat on their wives. 😉

  9. ramesh kumar says:

    i dont cheat because i was simply fed up with my wife’s tantrum, psycho-style dominance, victimhood tantrums. There was not ever a peaceful day when she would not do her melodrama.

    I filed for divorce eight years ago. In india, if female wants divorce, there practically she will get it easily; but if husband wants divorce, and wife does not-then cases will just linger on for years and years. The court,police,media will always pamper wives side, even if they are at the fault in many cases. One friend of mine was arrested for Domestic Violence case, even though it was he who was suffering DV since many years; but just once statement of wife and he got arrested – even without any proof or bodily injury. I am just surprised the way- society just promulgates that if you are male, then you are guilty.

    I am staying single for last eight years as MGTOW. I am really peaceful now , “I never have cheated by having two partners, because I just stay away from women(even one patner) now” (‘the spolied by pampering and entitled’ women of these days ). I have neither anything against them, nor any soft romance/dating feeling left for them. I have just gone celibate way. I am just done . I just don’t want to disturb the mental peace I am getting since the last eight years.

  10. ramesh kumar says:

    i dont cheat because i was simply fed up with my wife’s tantrum, psycho-style dominance, victimhood tantrums. There was not ever a peaceful day when she would not do her melodrama.

    I filed for divorce eight years ago. In india, if female wants divorce, there practically she will get it easily; but if husband wants divorce, and wife does not-then cases will just linger on for years and years. The court,police,media will always pamper wives side, even if they are at the fault in many cases. One friend of mine was arrested for Domestic Violence case, even though it was he who was suffering DV since many years; but just once statement of wife and he got arrested – even without any proof or bodily injury. I am just surprised the way- society just promulgates that if you are male, then you are guilty.

    I am staying single for last eight years as MGTOW. I am really peaceful now , “I never have cheated by having two partners, because I just stay away from women(even one patner) now” (‘the spolied by pampering and entitled’ women of these days ). I have neither anything against them, nor any soft romance/dating feeling left for them. I have just gone celibate way. I am just done . I just don’t want to disturb the mental peace I am getting since last eight years.

  11. Thank you to everyone who contributed to this, you’ve made me feel a lot better about the whole topic of cheating, whereas i previously felt hopeless, as though it were inevitable even with the best man, now i feel as though its possible to love one person faithfully for a life time. Thank you.

  12. I wish I had married one of these men instead of the selfish a**hole I wasted my time on. I did everything for him. Took care of him, his kids and his house while working a full time job, made sure he had everything he wanted, including frequent and adventurous sex (which he never seemed to complain about by the way), made him feel appreciated and did all the work to maintain the marriage. But it wasn’t enough. He still cheated and blamed it on me. I could say that lesson I learned is don’t be too good to your SO otherwise you will get walked all over. But in previous relationships I was cheated on and told it was because I was too distant, too independent and not giving enough. I’m not naive, I know in general monogamy goes against our nature and it is just too much for some people. But I don’t appreciate being blamed for someone else’s lack of lack of self-control. That’s what hurts the most. So I am just no longer interested in relationships of any kind.

  13. Patrick Gearhart says:

    One word – INTEGRITY. The man in the mirror always knows.

  14. I got cheated on…I am trying to give him a second chance right now…but it is really damn hard. He does everything to show me that he loves me and that I mean a lot to him. He did not have an affair with one woman that lasted a long time, but slept with different women, just to have sex and boost his self esteem and have a good time (that is my opinion). There was no lack of sex in our relationship though. In your opinion (as a guy or girl), do you (honestly) think, that it can work out? We have been together for more than 6 years, that is why there is a lot that I value about him…I can always count on him and his support.

    • Leave him. That was what I did. He would never change and it will get worse. Just because you have invested 6 years in bad “investment, it does not mean you will never find a good one.
      I was the same. I stayed married with a man with low self esteem. His way of boosting it was by eyeing lots of girls and slept with them when he was given chance. Then one day my eyes were opened and I left after 5 years of marriage. 8 years I stayed single and learning to appreciate and honouring myself. And now I found a good man. A really good one. He respects me and has self respect. I would never find this good one if i did not leave the bad one.

  15. therapist truth says:

    Here is the truth about several men I know- they think about cheating all the time- they ‘love’ their wives- for whatever that is worth ( they basally married the mother’s they wished they’d had ) and if they thought they could get away with it- they would cheat- but they worry too much about losing their ” dream mommies with their big checkbooks- yes- they wont’ give up the money- they know those women can get up and leave- and they would not have the lifestyle and identities those rich women give them

  16. Why I would Never Consider Cheating on My Wife!

    1. Because I realize the pain, the agony and the suffering that would be inflicted on me if my wife would have cheated. That pain, suffering and agony i dont want to go through, I don’t my wife to have experience through my ignorant actions either. Remember: don’t do to others, especially, your significant other, that which you don’t want to be done to you.

    2. Because being a lousy and coward cheater, will ruin my integrity and human dignity. Betraying faithfulness and the trust of others myself, I am fully aware of the faxt that I am losing faithfulnesd and trust others would have otherwise given to me.

    3. What goes around comes around, that’s the essence of Karma. All of our actions have consequences, i don’t want to inflict suffering upon myself as the result of my own greed and ignorance. Adultery has really terible suffering as a result, not only between you and the betrayed spouse, not only within the family itself, even not only within the extended family, but in a much wider csocial and other circle sthan those

    4. I am morrally affraid and ashamed of doing evil. Hurting my wife and break the trust of martiage is one of the most evil acts a spouse can do because as said above it perpetuates suffering at a very large scale, extent and magnitude.

    5. I love and am in love with my wife. True love between husband and wife develops only through years of marriage. True love is unconditional love worked together over years of co mutual work and effort. Affair isn’t love, its attachment desguised as love through delusion that breaks up in time only creating more problems. There is only one legitimate framework to adress problems in marriage and that’s our legal relationship to our spouse

    6. Because my wife is not the cause of my problems. Not addressing my problems will only project them into any future relationship whatsoever; however, adressing my problems make any other relatonship unnecessary cbeause it will transform and heal all my problems in my curtent legitimate relationship.

    7. I love my wife incredibly. I love her more than i even love my vhildren because prior to have children i had my wife. I love my children so much that i can’t live without them but i even cant less imagine my life without my wife. I will never cheat on my wife because it also betraying my family as a whole

    8. I will never cheat on my wife because of my spiritualty and the spiritual self growth, empowerment and improvent it bears. Being a Buddhist, as a lay follower of the Buddha, monogamy means to me what cellibacy means to a Buddhist monk. For me it is the practice of restraint and detachment. It the practice through which we learn to stop the root cause of our suffering that is ignorance, greed and ill will.

    9. Because matital sex with your wife that is based and connected to the most deep emotional level is the hotest and best sex you can get. In a stressfull world surrounded by suffering, it is the place where you and your wife blend tohetger and selfleslly become one to commutually offer a release from suffering (untill spiritually we can attain complete liberstiom of it).
    .

  17. If you’ve found the right woman, cheating shouldn’t even be a consideration, and if you’re part of the elite gentleman’s club, you should have enough respect for yourself and your promises to not cheat…period. Even if your relationship is feeling a little rocky. Be a man. Be faithful.

  18. So much foolishness in this article. As a woman who’s had a 2 year sexual relationship with one of you “great guys” I know you cheat. It’s obvious all these men are at least thinking about cheating and severely sex starved in their relationships. Oh and the single girl using it as leverage to get money line is hilarious. I enjoy the sex. Why would I ruin a good thing for money!? Gifts and treats and power are so much more appealing.

  19. Fred in AZ says:

    I was stuck in a bad long term marriage-like relationship with my ex-partner. I will spare the details. To shorten a long story- I suspect she has a borderline personality.

    I was presented with offers, and I didn’t cheat. I didn’t cheat, because I didn’t want to expose another person to the horrid drama. After the numerous indignities and abuse, I couldn’t care about the feelings of my ex. However, even some barfly didn’t need to be drawn into that

  20. I believe the underlying factor is maturity.

    Of all the possible ‘reasons’ why someone would cheat, the mature person isn’t interested in any of them. For most mature people, cheating doesn’t even enter into their consciousness. Their maturity affords them the ability to recognize that whatever problems there are in the relationship, they aren’t solved by cheating but by being dedicated to the relationship, to their own personal happiness and to do all the work necessary to remove the barriers to a rewarding, fulfilling and satisfying relationship. They rarely play the blame game but continually demonstrate (through actions, behaviours, words, etc.) the desire to work through any and all obstacles. They also have an ability to think about the well-being of others and take into consideration how their actions affect those they love (their spouse, their children, etc.).

    An immature person, on the other hand, has difficulty with accountability and ownership of problems resulting in them projecting their unhappiness onto their spouse or the situation or whatever else, other then placing the responsibility where it lies…on themselves. They also have difficulty communicating maturely and effectively and there is often confidence/insecurity issues at play. Ultimately, they don’t have the ability to do the work necessary to overcome the issues and so give into the desire to cheat, having convinced themselves that their spouse is the problem and they somehow deserve it and are entitled to it. Also, an immature person doesn’t think of how their actions affect others and are more apt to be self-centered and focused on their own needs and desires, dismissing the needs, desires and well-being of others (their spouse and children, etc.).

    When two mature people enter into a relationship, nothing can stop them from cultivating a deeply loving, fulfilling and satisfying relationship. But when even one person is immature, nothing can transcend the relationship to the fulfilling heights that two mature people can achieve; sadly, the relationship is often doomed to failure.

  21. I don’t do it because I love my wife, because I believe our relationship and the bond we have is worth more than the sex anyone else can offer, because I don’t feel enslaved by my own sexuality. Because my wife caused a landslide in my emotional landscape. There are dozens of other noble reasons, from self- or socially imposed ethics to law (because I’m married).

    But let’s raise the stakes a little. This is the GMP after all!
    What are my personal, powerless, vulnerable reasons? What other reasons do I have that don’t put me in the spotlight as exemplary man of self control and social standards?

    1) Because of intimacy. I destroyed the fake tan and macho sexuality taught by society within myself, the sexuality that teaches us to f**k first and think later. After that, I realized I have a barrier before I can be intimate with someone. I learned to breach the barrier well enough, but it takes a conscious, voluntary action on my side.

    2) Because I don’t get a lot of offers. There’s no bus of women throwing themselves at me the moment I step out of the office. I don’t have to battle my way to my car, shoe in hand. I’m not ashamed about my looks but I’m not Michelangelo’s David. I have a nice career but I don’t drive a Ferrari. I won’t attract a mass of women based on looks or wealth. The women I do attract are too rational or reserved to line up for me or trick me. Even in the most tempting offer I got, she clearly waited for me to make a conscious choice before anything happened. I never got around telling her how much I appreciated that about her, in spite of declining the offer.

    3) Because I wouldn’t know how to manage it logistically. My life is so entwined with my family that I wouldn’t know where or how to get around doing this.

    4) Because I learned from experience. I never made that mistake, but attraction ‘happened’ in past relationships. Every single time it happened, I questioned myself and discovered I could trace it to an unspoken unhappiness… something wrong with my relationship or myself. Now, when it happens, I get an instinctive reflective reaction. That said.. it hasn’t happened since I married.

    Of course, I could claim many noble reasons and probably would never be proven false. But there’s also far more personal, powerless reasons and I’m tired of hiding them behind social norms.

  22. I don’t cheat not just because I couldn’t see the disappointment on her face when she finds out, but because I couldn’t stand seeing my face in the mirror after I did.

  23. Anonymous says:

    once a cheater always a cheater…. anyone that says different is a cheater… im divorced and never cheated. now I play the field…will never marry again because I know I would cheat!! always!!! girls dont fall for us assholes!!

    • Glenn Wilder says:

      Just ran across this article now…but the topic and everyone’s comments are timeless, aren’t they? So, I don’t cheat because I know how bad it sucks to find out from your kid that your wife is cheating on you. And then she tells you that she’s serious about the guy, and not going to give it up. We worked through the issues, and we’re still married, but it’s never been the same. I do emotionally still love her, but it’s never been the same…I have just lost all interest in sex, period.

    • mystery man says:

      This is quite simply not true. As having cheated, on a girl whom I loved dearly, but who had also cheated, I can tell you this: it took cheating to truly see the flip side of the coin. Cheaters suffer too. I asked myself and spent much time in despair, ‘who am I to have fallen so low?’ It inevitably inspired many a positive change including primarily to take a stand and unequivocally declare to myself that I will never again repeat my mistakes. I was a foolish boy. I have learned and I know in my heart without question I will never again make a choice which I know will or may instill that sort of pain and suffering in another humans heart. It was just another lesson learned on my journey from a boy to a man, and a good man at that.

  24. richard hodge says:

    OMG, this myth is so deeply ingrained that most of the men commenting are making excuses for not cheating. I don’t cheat because I can’t, it’s just not possible for me, no other reason than that! I think most men are the same

  25. Cheating makes you feel like absolute crap!
    After I parted company with my wife of 13 years, I was proud to say I hadn’t cheated!
    Having since found a loving partner who taught me truly how to love. I unfortunately thought it was a good idea to try how others seemed to behave as within a ‘normal’ relationship – cheating and going back to their loving lasting relationship.
    I’m a slow learner, but I was lucky to have a partner that forgave, or at least put my first transgression aside. But earlier this year it happened again. Not full intercourse, but enough for me to meet my promise of telling my partner if anything that could be conceived as cheating happened again. There was no forgiveness second time, and that is only to be expected!
    To see someone who you genuinely love so deeply, be subjected to the pain and feeling of rejection of being cheated on is such a crippling feeling. Something I cannot forgive myself for. But hopefully this time (I’m determined) it is a final lesson. Although we are not together now, my experiences have taught me just how good our connection was, how unfulfilling these brief encounters are.
    If there’s anyone out there considering cheating, I recommend you reconsider! There may be some issues in your current relationship that need some work, but this is most certainly not the best way to resolve them. If you have any heart whatsoever, the pain you put the other person through is too much! Work out your difference, part company if you need to, but don’t do it this way, please.

  26. Honestly? The shit just takes too much effort. I don’t have the time and patience to cheat, not to mention I’m quite fond of my fiancee. So yeah, forget that nonsense.

  27. No Man in Particular says:

    Reason #32: Simple conservation. Long-term sustainability:
    There are a finite number of women in the world, and I live in a small town. I prefer to disappoint women one at a time, serially, instead of more than one, simultaneously. Better still to disappoint one gradually over the course of a few years than multiple ones quickly. Gotta think long term, people!

  28. wellokaythen says:

    The more I think about it, the more troubled I am by this approach. Men are asked to explain why they don’t cheat on their partners. They give encouraging answers, but there’s still something insulting about the question itself.

    Imagine if I sent out a questionnaire asking “why women don’t nag.” There’s no way I would consider asking such a thing, because that’s just a stupid, loaded, insulting question.

    This is basically saying, “you can expect men to cheat, just not ALL of them.”

  29. So the ‘marriage editor’ won’t cheat because his wife hasn’t given him a reason to, because Scarlett Johansson hasn’t asked, because he doesn’t have time, and because he’s afraid of those crazy malicious single black-mailers. His wife must sleep well at night, basking in the confidence of her husband’s commitment. Ah true love and loyalty.

    • I had the same reaction. The entire question is rigged to have no good answer. However a man answers this question will be problematic.

      Can you think of an answer to this question that would ever reassure anyone who has any critical thinking skills?

      • “Because I don’t feel like to”
        “Because I have no reasons to do that; and no reason would be good enough to cheat anyway”
        “Because I can only imagine being with her/him/you”

        I guess? But they only count if they are sincere.

  30. Luvin A Lim says:

    Cheating is like a big hangover… you feel good while having a drink but the aftershocks can be painful.. thats why I dont’t smoke… nor drink until drunk… nor cheat…

  31. Answering this question is an admission of guilt. If you take the question seriously and give a heartfelt answer, then you’re just reinforcing the view of men as unfaithful. Imagine if I asked a young African American man to tell me why he doesn’t sell drugs. The question itself is rude and offensive and answering it is just giving energy to bigotry.

    • wellokaythen says:

      Or, it’s like compiling a list of tweets for an article in jezebel titled “Why Women Don’t Act Bitchy.” Probably would not get a very good reception over there….

  32. No Man in Particular says:

    “Why men don’t cheat” is a trick question, and guys on this site keep falling for it over and over again. Think about it — why do men NEED a reason for not cheating? That suggests that there must be powerful reasons for cheating and men better have some damn good reasons for not doing it. That’s a pretty lousy view of men and commitment.

    My answer: I don’t need a reason not to cheat.

    If that answer isn’t enough for you, then you need to examine what your assumptions are about men and commitment.

  33. Hannah Howard says:

    This is so annoying. I get the impulse, but it all comes back to framing it as a puritan struggle between faith (monogamy) and sin (infidelity). If a man is not monogamous, the worst thing you can do is encourage him to think of the right thing as learning to be monogamous. In fact, I’d go so far as to say its a form of reparative therapy. Look I get that we can make choices around the edge of our behavior, but I believe some people are in fact wired for polyamory, and there’s nothing wrong with that. the better thing is to encourage people to accept it and find ways to integrate it into their life in healthy ways. Among other things, the more comfortable someone is with the fact they aren’t monogamous, the more likely they are to be upfront with a potential partner, and avoid causing that person the pain of being with someone who can’t be monogamous.

    It is bizarre that this site is supposed to be for feminist men, but if you look at lesbian feminist and particularly queer communities polyamory is a fairly widespread and accepted practice in our communities, primarily because we have found ways to negotiate these issues with honesty and integrity toward the other person.

  34. I am SO happy to have found this website, it gives me hope that there are still lots of amazing men out there. I had just read an article last night on Return of Kings, and the article itself was bad enough but the comments from all the men on there, made me really really depressed. Thank you for this blog!!

  35. I am a happily married woman. This is my second marriage. I was the cheater in my first marriage. Though I am not proud of that fact, I have learned since what love is. I give of myself in this relationship today. I don’t ever let him forget he is a man. Without loosing any self respect I give him his desires first and in turn my desires are met. He says all I have to do is love him, feed him, give him sex and he is a happy guy! I married this second time because I truly love my husband and I have no problem pleasing him. I am treated with the same love, admiration and respect. I don’t nag, poke his chest, or make him feel inadequate. I get the same respect. I treat my husband how I want to be treated. We both deserve that. Just wanted to put in my two cents. Thank you

  36. I think cheating is selfish and believe if someone is in a relationship your are there for the other person and they are there for you and if you truly put them first why would you be cheating ? cheating makes no sense.

  37. I have too much self-respect to cheat!

  38. Joseph Garrett says:

    Cheating cost to much money. Im not going to take food out of my children’s mouth to feed someone else. I work to hard trying to keep mines together than letting go. If I was to cheat it would be because lack of support! As a man, we need the support of our mates in order for us to do great things. The lack of support will land a woman’s man in the arms of another woman..

    • Too many men don’t think about it practically, like they should. If I have a problem with the woman in my life, why would I increase my problems exponentially by adding another one?

      That’s like trying to fix a car crash by crashing another car into the first two. It’s always a “solution” that’s worse than the original problem!

  39. I it’s disturbing to think that “She’s beautiful and we still have great sex” is one of the most common reasons to not-cheat. It suggests the responsibility in not-cheating lies in the wife ensuring the husband is satisfied in every way. It gives an external locus of control. What happens when that satisfaction wobbles? Or your wife isn’t s “beautiful” as she once was? Or your sex life has become crap after 30 years, and probably can’t be sorted out to the extent you’d like?

    My wife is amazing, funny, beautiful! That’s why I don’t cheat! Well, er… well done you for implicitly making it ‘her fault’ if you cheat…

    • Jade: please remember that the word “beauty” can mean different things to different people. I think you are interpreting it to mean “sexually attractive”, which is a common definition of the word, and by no means wrong. However, the word can also refer to many things about a person that do not diminish over time, including aspects of their personality. Even when we talk about physical aspects of a person’s beauty, these are not necessarily all diminished by the passing of time, and some grow with time. Babies, right through to the very elderly, can all be beautiful, and valuing their beauty is one way of valuing them as a person.

  40. This is very encouraging to read . I believe its far easier to cheat than to be faithful to one partner . Woman are equally to blame , they are also needy and fickle at times. Attention is far to much of an attractive offering for some of them then working out their lack of self esteem issues . I often get people talking with me about private matters , occupational hazard 🙂 and hear it all the time. We have lost our connection , wife is paying more attention to the kids etc etc etc… every single excuse under the sun ! I use the word excuse because really even if its going on, is it irreversible ? These people all feel like everyone is doing it and this behavior “saves” their marriages . I have also given it a fair amount of thought myself and I honestly believe its the easy way out ! People who do this , often discredit themselves by this behavior . They stand to loose just as much ! Its a quick fix , the problem, gap or whatever it is , doesn’t just fly out the window after you are unfaithful and have sex with someone else . When did sex cure emotional problems or self esteem issues ( Long Term ) ….. It’s really just a short term fix and diversion from a situation which requires attention. I can only imagine how amazing it must be to be in a marriage where your partner is driven to respect “themselves” enough by honoring their word to themselves. Its not ONLY about their partner , what about self respect ?

  41. So it’s titled 31 reasons why men don’t cheat. Then you scroll down and read and this is in the actual post “My wife is not sexually possessive of me in the least. I have told her many of my sex fantasies, even the most idiotic ones. If Eva Green or Scarlett Johanson seduced me, enamored simply because of my looks or charm, demanded a one night stand of no-strings-attached sex in some swank hotel, the first person I would tell afterwards would be my wife. She would almost certainly celebrate this crazy experience and demand to know all the details. It would probably make her horny, and we’d have the best sex of our marriage. She’d announce it on Facebook, “Gint laid Scarlett!” No one would believe her. Scarlett would deny it”
    SERIOUSLY?!??! that made the list?! That does qualify as cheating?!? Because I’m pretty sure that it does.

    • Cheating is breaking a contract, breaking the rules of the game, etc. If the rules do not prohibit SEX with other women–in other words, if his contract with his wife is that his heart is faithful to her, but she doesn’t mind if he has sexual exploration with another woman, what rule has he broken? What contractual obligation has he not fulfilled? I feel the same way about my mate of the past 4 years. He’s gone off after his funny little relationships. Then he comes back. He’s very cute when he becomes infatuated with someone. It’s part of the deal, part of the contract. I have sex only with him because I find no other man sexy. He has sex and even heart-relationships with other women, but our friendship remains untouched by those things. No harm, no foul.

      • Anonymous says:

        How does it not hurt your feeling knowing the man that’s supposed to love you and only you loves another and who knows maybe one day hell like one of those girls more then you and stay with them not you. Be careful cause he doesnt love you if he’s having full on relationships with other people. When you love someone you stay faithfull to that person.

        • TheMalkavian says:

          Since when is love a limited resource? Last I checked, men and women with multiple children do not love them each less just because there’s more of them. They love them just as much as if there were only one. Love, like hate, is just a feeling that can be attributed in different degrees to many things. Just because you hate one thing more intensely than you can imagine, conversely, doesn’t mean you suddenly hate other things to a lesser degree. You still hate them as much as you did before. You just don’t happen to hate them as much as that one thing. Or two things. Or three things.

          Love is the exact same way. It’s entirely possible to love several things (people) with all your heart because love is unlimited. It’s not gold. It’s not food. You don’t “only have so much to go around”. It is created and destroyed freely as you find or lose reasons to love something. History is absolutely rife with examples of men and women who were in the predicament of “having to choose” (a false predicament facilitated by social constructs).

          If someone wants to love more than one person, no one has any right to say anything about it except for you and those you choose to love.

      • Ok “Wolf” little man… trying to pass as a woman. 🙂

    • Jon Jay Obermark says:

      An open marriage can be quite a reasonable thing. I know a lot of bisexual men who would not ever get married if they had to be faithful in the traditional sense. You do not get to make the rules about other people’s lives.

  42. Thomas farley says:

    I was faithful to my wife of 23yrs never wanted to cheat she was all I ever wanted but that was not her way of seeing life she worked hard an advanced in her career and came in contact with people with money and started lieing and texting and seeing other men behind my back she left me 8 months ago and I still will not brake my vows to her waiting on divorce till I even try to move on

    • You’re a good man Thomas. You deserve a woman that truly appreciate you.

    • I am sorry to hear of your situation. I am going through the same trauma and the pain is still fresh. Remember that you are not alone in your struggles and unfortunately there are other people like myself experiencing the same issue.

      But it will get better. Ultimately, time heals all wounds. Good luck with your recovery. I sincerely wish you all the very best.

  43. 1. My wife is the most beautiful woman alive.
    2. She has a Great sense of humor and makes me laugh
    3. I have 3 beautiful children.
    4. I didn’t get married to get divorced.

  44. Jim Saunders says:

    I fell in love with a girl when we were both 23. We got married at 24, Our children are 28 and 31. I’ve never cheated because there has never been a reason, Love changes over the years and grows stronger as well. My wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me. 42 years together.

  45. why i dont cheat on her? ….Cuz she makes me happy…..she satisfy every single need that i have…..cuz i miss her when shes not around, cuz of her a believe e in angels,she makes me laugh,she understands me…i get lost in her eyes when she looks at me. And i lover her when she smiles,when she cant wait more than half hr to call me and asked about my day and tell me that she misses me and loves me. i love her when she cant sleep if i dont cuddle with her,when she strokes my hair and kisses me,hugs me….she makes me feel like nothing else matters,she makes me feel in peace and that there is no big problem out there that we cant confront and resolve together,she makes my heart skip a bit…she completes me……why i dont cheat on her??? ….cuz there is no one else out there that compares to her.

  46. Good men need to put a ring on it! 🙂

  47. This is beautiful. The comments pushed me a mile in my healing from a husband who cheated multiple times and then blamed me. I loved him and so believed in him. It’s nice to hear the words of men who chose fidelity in the name of love. Thank you all so much!

  48. Atalwin Pilon: I loved your honest response. I used to tell myself I stayed faithful to my marriage because it was the honorable thing to do. I made a commitment and I was a man of my word. It took me the longest time to realize I was confusing loyalty with cowardice.

  49. Marriage is a commitment, a promise, sacred and pure (supposed to be), symbol of unselfishness and faithful love. It is a partnership. It is beautiful. Marriage is not made for everyone and to try and find ways to twist it and make it work for everyone sickens me. Not everyone can be faithful in the mind and the heart. Not everyone could imagine being responsible for anyone other than themself. Marriage is just not for everyone.

    To even fathom considering having sex with a celebrity or anyone other than your spouse is suicide yo your marriage. There are many “Scarletts” and “Evas” in the world that may not hold as high a social status, but needless to say, strong, eye popping women are EVERYWHERE. And to even exploit your own marriage to say you’d consider an affair is wrong and entirely a selfish act.

    If someone is completely contributing to your unhappiness and constant misery that cannot be worked out, there are other options than affairs of any kind. Having an affair is not only cheating your marriage and beaking a promise, but it’s ruining yourself. It takes two people to have a marriage and it takes two people to break one. So your not happy in bed? Go to sex therapy for god sakes. Do whatever it takes for YOUR MARRIAGE before you ever believe straying is the way to fix your problem. Divorce is another option. But marital affairs are wrong. Point blank. Black and white wrong. So go ahead and try to justify your problems and needs that aren’t met. I can promise an affair is not going to fix it.

  50. December 29, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    This is a reply to this article and to the article regarding why men don’t cheat.

    Marriage is a commitment, a promise, sacred and pure (supposed to be), symbol of unselfishness and faithful love. It is a partnership. It is beautiful. Marriage is not made for everyone and to try and find ways to twist it and make it work for everyone sickens me. Not everyone can be faithful in the mind and the heart. Not everyone could imagine being responsible for anyone other than themself. Marriage is just not for everyone.

    To even fathom considering having sex with a celebrity or anyone other than your spouse is suicide yo your marriage. There are many “Scarletts” and “Evas” in the world that may not hold as high a social status, but needless to say, strong, eye popping women are EVERYWHERE. And to even exploit your own marriage to say you’d consider an affair is wrong and entirely a selfish act.

    If someone is completely contributing to your unhappiness and constant misery that cannot be worked out, there are other options than affairs of any kind. Having an affair is not only cheating your marriage and beaking a promise, but it’s ruining yourself. It takes two people to have a marriage and it takes two people to break one. So your not happy in bed? Go to sex therapy for god sakes. Do whatever it takes for YOUR MARRIAGE before you ever believe straying is the way to fix your problem. Divorce is another option. But marital affairs are wrong. Point blank. Black and white wrong. So go ahead and try to justify your problems and needs that aren’t met. I can promise an affair is not going to fix it.

    • Thank you! That is exactly what I was saying! All of my friends keep posting this article like it’s something great! I’m sorry if my husband cheated (yes CHEATED) on me with a caleb it is still very much cheating and just as heart breaking.

  51. Grannie Annie says:

    So men want to cheat, or would if it were super convenient they just don’t. To me there’s no difference in him thinking about cheating and actually cheating.

    • If we’re supposed to never be tempted, that what’s the point of making a solemn vow? If we assume there will never be any temptation, then there’s no need to take the vow in the first place.

    • Jon Jay Obermark says:

      According to Master’s and Johnson, women think about twice as often of men other than the one they are having sex with, while having sex. The also have more drawn-out long-term images of romance with someone other than their spouse than men have images of sex with someone other than their spouse. If just thinking about cheating is actually cheating, women are far less faithful than men. I doubt you would agree with that idea.

      But just thinking about cheating ISN’T cheating. I think about assaulting people often, as I have PTSD, and I am not a criminal. I am sure you would not allow this line of reasoning about ANYTHING other than sex. We are moving back in this culture to policing the insides of people’s, especially men’s heads. This is insane and causes insanity.

  52. Abu Muhammad says:

    I don’t commit adultery against my wife because I hope for Allah’s Mercy and I fear His Anger and the Punishment that would come as a result of it, both in this world and in the hereafter.

    • So you are faithful because you fear the wrath of Allah, and not because you love your wife?

      Do you love your wife?

      • Md Nurul Amin Talukder says:

        Yes I love my wife and also love my sons.

      • I’m glad to see religious people speaking out on this.

        Traditional religion has some very good ideas about how to be faithful to your wife. If you’re married to all the women you have sex with, then it’s not cheating. That’s the “old school” way to stay faithful.

        • Anonymous says:

          The “Old School” way to stay faithful is marrying more than one woman so you don’t have to be bound to just one vagina? That’s selfishness and a non-interest in commitment disguised as “religion”. There is nothing holy about taking lots of spouses just so you don’t have to feel bad about not wanting to sexually commit to just one.

          • I was actually being sarcastic, but now I’d like to play devil’s advocate. Are you assuming that people are supposed to commit to only one spouse and are supposed to feel bad if they don’t want to?

            And, my goodness, there’s no need to reduce wives to being vaginas. There’s so much more to sex than vaginas. (And people say _I’m_ reductive….)

    • Not doing something simply because you fear divine retribution doesn’t make you a good person. It just means you have no personal self control and you need some imaginary entity keeping you in check.

      But whatever works I guess.

  53. You should only marry the best fit for you. When you do, cheating is always a step down. Why settle for less?

  54. Yimmie3020 says:

    Why I don’t cheat on my wife
    1. I made a vow to God.
    2. I made a vow to my wife.
    3. She truly is my best friend.
    4. I fall deeper in love with her every day.

  55. Brett Cullum says:

    Cheating is for the weak. If you cannot hold one promise to the person you’ve married you have a really soft core.

  56. My father taught me, “When you die, the only thing you have is your name.” Your word is who you are. I gave my word to my wife. That is simply who I am, and who I chose to be.

  57. A recovered soul says:

    This should not be labelled as “The Good Men Project”, as it is applicable to both genders. I have been cheated on and it was possibly one of the most painful experiences of my life. The weight on the mind and the constant metaphysical pain is incomparable to anything I have ever experienced.

    Men and women are both dynamic. Don’t generalize men, don’t generalize women; a single individual is never going to be the exact same to another individual.

    Why would I not cheat you ask? Because I simply love too much. I’m a loving person and my ultimate goal in life is to be happy. I believe the simple act of being happy (even keeping a smile on your face), is enough to initiate a happiness in someone else, and that is priceless. Cheating would simply prompt the exact opposite of my moral guideline.

    Apply the project to human behavior, not a mans behavior 🙂

    – A recovered soul

  58. I do not give myself to other women because I fear God. I promised him in front of 350 people that I would cherish, honor,……till death due us part. Lets keep it real, however, love is not enough…it does not conquer the needs of a man nor does it quench the need for honor from his wife. In the same way, love is not enough to keep a man’s attention to his wife when she needs conversation or when she needs something done around the house.
    Ladies, if you only knew the mind and emotions of a man, then you could begin to skim the surface…our own love is not enough to keep us in the game. It is the love of God that keeps us in the game. We have to tap into a greater love than ourselves and LEAD our families to God..that’s the love the keeps us in the game.

    • This is so refreshing to hear. We are believers and my husband was blinded and cheated. Gods restoring love is what guides today. If a man takes his eyes off of God and thinks he can resist in his own strength then he is playing with fire. Gods and his love is the only thing to keep a man from cheating.

  59. I ask Jesus to fill me with his awesome love every day. I think about good things and believe He is big enough to live in me and make me a new man in his time. I trust Him to take away fleshly desires since I have given up on 7 step programs to perfect myself. I focus on Him and not my weaknesses. Life is good.

  60. I don’t cheat because when I chose to marry the women I married , I made a commitment not only to her but to God. My marriage has no back door, no escape clause so anything that happens has to happen inside the marriage. I don’t cheat because I like familiarity.

  61. Will.M.Hustle says:

    Only one reason. He’s too lazy!

  62. I, personally, don’t cheat because I believe in karma. Even if she doesnt cheat the universe has a way of applying the same you you gave in an area as equally intimate to as it was to whomever you betrayed. I believe those experiences leave a mark on the soul. It’s more of a spiritual thing for me. However for those impulses and fantasies I feel good that my lady finds women attractive also and is willing to experiment sexually without blurring the lines between intimacy and sexuality. Basically we both keep it G enough to get our rocks off and stay US. The Unit.

  63. The “Scarlett johannsson” thing just defeats the purpose of this whole blog.

  64. Not cheating =/= monogamy.
    Polyamorous people who follow the agreed upon rules of their relationships can have romantic and sexual relationships with more than one person without cheating.

    • James Hawk III says:

      Yeah…no. Sorry. A minute detail, if you will–the ‘mono’ part means “one.” Polyamory (‘poly’ meaning “many”) by definition isn’t monogamy, therefore any attempt to dodge the issue that way is logically and semantically (not to mention ethically and morally) bankrupt. Saying you’re faithful to a group of people simply isn’t the same as saying you’re faithful to one person. If that’s not the choice you’ve made, fine–but don’t conflate the two.

      • Sunjay is not dodging the issue. S/he is saying that there are more ways to be faithful than just being monogamous. It’s entirely *possible* for a polyamorous person to cheat, so to suggest that being unfaithful to a polyamorous relationship is irrelevant to the topic shows a distinct lack of understanding how polyamory actually works, and is insulting.

        Polyamory does not equal cheating.
        Just because one’s relationship is not monogamous does not mean cheating is happening.

        Sunjay pointing out that “not cheating” is not the same as “monogamy” is perfectly valid, and to call it logically, semantically, ethically, and morally bankrupt is closed-minded at best. Choosing to be honest with one’s partner(s) and to respect them and their wishes is *exactly* the same for both monogamous relationships and polyamorous ones.

      • Exactly. It’s not fidelity if it’s divided by 3 or more. It’s dispersion.

  65. Number one: The information gathered by blindly polling strangers over the internet, and then trusting that their answers are both accurate and truthful is not exactly what I call reliable input. And do we really think there is a guy on the planet who is going to unashamedly detail the reasons why he does cheat? Even cheaters will tell you why they don’t cheat; the reasons are probably all the same BS things they tell to their wives whom they’ve cheated one.

    Number Two: Even if we assume that the input is both genuine, and accurate, all we’ve really discovered is that men who love their wives, and are in happy marriages don’t cheat. Wow, mind blown. Cheating is situational, and you’re polling the people who are satisfied with their situations. Asking men who are happy with their marriages why they don’t cheat, is like asking rich people why they don’t steal. They’ll tell you it’s because it’s immoral, and all that, but when you take away their wealth, or even just their accountability, see what happens. See what happens if the same rich folks who don’t steal are hurting financially, or find $10,000 in a suitcase and nobody is looking. On the same token, see what happens when men realize they don’t love their wife, or are always fighting, or get cheated on, or are getting hit on by a 10, while drunk and out of town.

    I like what you’re trying to do here, but let’s be real, men cheat. So do women. Yes, even good men and women.

    • Very well said. Finally, someone who thinks scientifically.

    • GOOD men and women do not cheat. GOOD men and women take care of the responsibility they chose before moving onto another. No one is saying people should stay together forever (or at least I am not)……But if you are unsatisfied with your relationship end it or fix it. If it can’t be fixed…..end it before moving on with another. It’s about integrity and people either have it or don’t….people without integrity can justify just about any action.

    • “Asking men who are happy with their marriages why they don’t cheat, is like asking rich people why they don’t steal.”
      DAFUQ. The guys just believes people will steal when not rich or when poor. Horrible.

      “See what happens if the same rich folks who don’t steal are hurting financially, or find $10,000 in a suitcase and nobody is looking. On the same token, see what happens when men realize they don’t love their wife, or are always fighting, or get cheated on, or are getting hit on by a 10, while drunk and out of town.”
      I would still not steal. EVER. And not amount of fighting or lack of love will lead me to cheat. But then I am just a woman, right…

    • “Asking men who are happy with their marriages why they don’t cheat, is like asking rich people why they don’t steal.”
      DAFUQ. The guys just believes people will steal when not rich or when poor. Horrible.

      “See what happens if the same rich folks who don’t steal are hurting financially, or find $10,000 in a suitcase and nobody is looking. On the same token, see what happens when men realize they don’t love their wife, or are always fighting, or get cheated on, or are getting hit on by a 10, while drunk and out of town.”
      I would still not steal. EVER. And not amount of fighting or lack of love will lead me to cheat. But then I am just a woman, right?

  66. I just got out of a relationship. The woman I was with was constantly paranoid about me cheating from day one. My mistake was that I hid things from her in the very beginning. I had communicated with my x when we first started talking and didn’t tell her until a few months later. Actually I told her because I wanted to be honest knowing I was certain she was going to be the woman I wanted to spend my life with. Instead it backfired and fueled the major mistrust and paranoia she already had. To this day she thinks I cheated. I am a musician and I understand that occupation isn’t the best when it comes to reputation. But I’m here to say that not all men cheat. I know many men who don’t and stay faithful. I am and always was one of them. Perfect? No. But I believe the myth that we aren’t monogamous or capable of being committed to one woman is B.S. Sometimes even in a case like my own it proves how messed up society is. Much respect to all the other men out there who don’t cheat and a word of advice. Find a woman who will trust you and remain faithful despite the fact that many women will cheat themselves. 1 Love

    • Hiding things from someone that you love usually means there is a reason why you are being sneaky or feel the need to hide things. Look within yourself as to why you felt the need to hide things from the person you were considering spending your life with? Here’s a suggestion, be open and communicative with whomever you are in a relationship with from the very beginning. I actually just got out a relationship very similar to what you described. There are different ways of cheating, which are not always sex. My X was an attention whore and constantly sexting! He needed to put his phone down and actually show his wife love, attention and security. Your post blames the other person instead of taking some responsibility or accountability for what you contributed to the relationship. It’s not always about another person or variable, sometimes it’s about looking at yourself in the mirror and being the person you would want to be with…

  67. I’ve always seen my marriage as an investment in our future. The more we put into it, the more we profit. If we have difficulties and choose to strengthen our relationship instead of cashing out, we still profit. Cheating would be like throwing all that asset down on a cheeseburger. It would be wasting a valuable idea on something momentary. It also helps, that even when I don’t like her, I love her, and she continues to be the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.

  68. I appreciate your overall objective but I respectfully disagree with this and the Huffington Post articles. I was a married woman once and I cheated on my husband. I didn’t cheat because I didn’t love him or because I didn’t find him attractive or because I felt powerless. I cheated because my life was going in a different direction and I was v. young and immature. Sometimes things aren’t that deep and sometimes they are. We lose connection with our partner and its not worth the fight. It doesnt make us a bad person. It is what it is. Life goes on. Forgiveness is what people fear more than anything.

    • Joshua Brown says:

      So you obviously didn’t love him. Because if you did it would hurt him less to just end things and then go the other direction. You are a fool and one reason why some men do cheat. Because after being hurt like that some men cant trust again and wont let themselves get close to a women emotionally. Ive been cheated on and i know the pain. I refuse to cheat. But for years after being cheated on i would subconsciously push every girl away because i was afraid. You do not understand the damage you do with one simple act. I hope you never do it again for the sake of any man your ever with. If you really love them you wouldn’t put them through that.

      • Amen to that.

      • Amen #2. There is no valid argument that justifies cheating. Young or not – many young people get married and don’t cheat. Marriage is a commitment and a promise made that says you on a relationship until all efforts are exhausted. “Lost the connection” is a terribly selfish answer… because again, being married means you work at it until there is no work to be done. Some days are great and some days are so defeating you aren’t sure of anything let alone your relationship. Clearly your heart wasn’t in it and you took the easy route. Padding your own fall with someone on the side Ior a rebound only proves how uninvested and careless you were with someone else’s heart. “Not that deep” only describes you, in this case, not your actions.

      • “You are a fool and one reason why some men do cheat.”
        No, stop with that shit. People cheat not because they have been cheated on, but because they choose to. No amount of cheating any of my ex could achieve would ever lead me to cheat. I am responsible to it, cheating is a choice.

        And she never said she let her ex know about the cheating. Maybe she cheated, but refrained to tell him as not to hurt him and just went with her life.

    • It does make you a bad person if you cheat. Falling out of love, moving in a different direction, growing apart……none of this makes you a bad person. Betraying another bc you don’t have the integrity to end one relationship before getting into another is selfish and absolutely makes you a selfish, narcissistic, inconsiderate individual. PERIOD! You can justify a relationship ending…..trying to justify betrayal….is just you grasping to be able to look at your cheating selfish self in the mirror and look yourself in the eyes.

  69. First of all, the notion that men are the cheaters is illogical – who are they cheating with, after all? Women, right?

    • I doesn’t matter with who they cheat with; cheaters are the ones cheating. The person they cheat with has no moral obligations and promises to follow and keep. For real, YOU be logical.

  70. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship. Being sexually exclusive with one partner is one possible rule to have in your relationship, and that works well for many people. Obviously, for many people of all genders, that rule is not realistic. They feel the rule is a necessity to have, but then break it. I think that is foolish.

    Another way is to be completely honest with your partner/spouse/friend, and to work through often-misguided feelings of entitlement, ownership, and jealousy, in order to open your relationship to other potential partners. I have experienced this adventure, and it is frightening, but it is also incredibly gratifying. Knowing that love does not come from being exclusive with sex, but instead recognizing all the unique ways of loving and being loved that are possible, creates lots of beautiful new opportunities in all realms of a relationship.

  71. Jason VanHorn says:

    Why I never cheated: My relationship, my vows, my wife, my self respect and respect for her meant more to me than anything else in the world….I chose HER for the rest of my life…..I CHOSE HER over any other women I ever met or might possibly meet…I knew she was it for me and never wanted to let go…

  72. WHile I appreciate the intention, I would prefer you have to have set the tone in a more positive manner:

    Why are you faithful? Why is fidelity joyful/peaceful/fulfilling/important to you?

    #imjussayin

  73. Rocky Rococo says:

    Then there are the untold milllions of us that don’t even qualify for the affection of one woman, never mind multiples. There are millions of us. But of course it’s our own fault that women prefer cheating men to us…

    • Notta Whiner says:

      Gee, I wonder why women aren’t attracted to a guy who whines publicly about his inability to satisfy her and criticizes her entire gender for making mistakes. Grow up.

  74. I do not cheat for many reasons.
    1) I made a vow to the woman I choose that I would be there in the good and bad times.
    2) I LOVE HER WITH ALL I AM.
    3) I am setting an example to my children that divorce is not a necessary option
    4) I choose to work through problems and not take the easy, lazy road out.
    5) That a relationship that is worked on over and over again is worth keeping and grows to be so much better than a short term fling, toss it and try a new one.
    6) I do not have relationship A.D.D.
    7) and most importantly because God has given me the self control and faithfulness to love my wife through any time that is hard.( And she does the same for me when I am being hard to love).

    No one needs to cheat, it just wounds hearts and causes more pain and distrust in the world; there is enough of that already, we do not need to add to it.

  75. My husband says he won’t cheat because he can only deal with one crazy women in his life. He is to sweet aww

  76. Ron Trujillo says:

    Why I don’t cheat on my wife? I’ve made a covenant vow that God will hold me accountable to: That I would love my wife as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself up for her. (Ephesus 5:25-31). I need to rely upon His inexhaustible grace applied daily to my life to accomplish this. None of us can live this life and please God without faith and the grace of God.

  77. Funny, because its not just men, women cheat as well. I have a belief in how a marriage will last and why people stay faithful or not. Its about two words, “selfishness” and “selflessness”. When two people enter into a relationship, its more about the other person and less about them, They do more for the other person to get them to like who they are. Some people call it “party manners”. That seems to change as time goes on. They become selfish, stop caring about the others happiness and more about their own. Instead of “what can I do for you” its “they don’t do this for me” The relationship becomes more take then give. If two people dedicate their lives to pleasing the other, it leaves one nothing to desire something outside of the marriage. Guys, it starts with us, we are genetically designed to be workers and women are genetically designed to be care givers. If we do our job to work at making our woman emotionally, mentally and physically happy. They, by natural instinct, return it X2. I found an article that best tells what I mean. Its called, “Why Marriage Isn’t For Me” and its nothing like what your thinking because you are thinking selfishly! Just my opinion on this subject.

    http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/

  78. marc lariviere says:

    I don’t cheat for various reason…I love my wife with all my heart even when I hate her…I have a 10 yr old son who looks up to me as a person and role model…I don’t want him to be a womanizer and see me treat his mother as such…I also have a 2 yr old daughter and we all know how infidelity affects girls of all ages…I fully believe in marriage vows and honor my love,trust and faith I have in my wife…my wife before she was my wife cheated on me once and we worked through it (without me cheating)…besides it’s way too much work to cheat…between keeping the other girl quiet and all deleting all ways of communication every time you talk,chat,text or Skype…besides if you treat your wife like a wife she will give you no reasons to stray…I work in the restaurant business so the opportunity to cheat presents itself on a daily basis…but it so easy not too cheat because of the love and respect I have for my kids and my wife and our marriage

  79. Yes, the media does play up that men are cheaters, and yes it’s unfair. However, there is some truth in the fact that monogamy is harder on men, from an evolutionary perspective. Men want to spread their seed. It’s a natural instinct. .But, (most) men are also more than just instinct and it is terribly condescending to think otherwise. If this was the only truth, that men only want multiple partners to spread their bloodline, then men would also not be able to stop themselves from bashing in their neighbors head to acquire more land, caveman style. Come on people. We’ve evolved. We as humans are granted the amazing gift of CHOICE and REASON.

  80. Anybody who cheats isn’t worth anything because why would you cheat with someone who would cheat on you? The above reasons are all true but a con-man cons, a cheater cheats, a liar lies.

  81. I like your 3 because they are true but add 4)because i was meant to be a family man kids and all. I wish my wife believed me. She couldnt believe so she set out and did her own, and i still love her.

  82. Here you go…. simping. Look it up. This guy sounding off for all dudes. Look, great! You made it!!!! Yeah!! Silver medallion! Holy shit you are gods gift to a successful relationship. May many more years be blessed upon you. Just wait fuck face! Just wait until shit hits the fan. Outside of your grasp. Beyond your reach. Out of your control. You will never know and when it hits you, you’ll be parolized. Looking for answers and see some stupid shit like this and writing what I’m writing now!

  83. You don’t need any number of reasons why you do or don’t,
    It’s just simply what you do or don’t….and how you personally, act and hold yourself…
    And what truly matters most to you!!!

  84. Men don’t cheat when they have at least one good example of a disgusting male pig in their life to set an example of what not to do. They more than likely have several lady friends that have been destroyed by this same pig in their lifetime and had to live through the embarrassment of hearing all about it. If they are like me, they keep this fool as a friend and close by to protect their own gal and as many other friends possible from this scumbag in the future.

    And on that note, after my divorce, I really feel like a fool that I never did because clearly she did not have a similar girlfriend.

  85. It is unnatural not to cheat. Marriage is an unnatural institution itself. Human beings men and women are not naturally monogamic. Societies for a variety of reasons have promoted the idea and so have some religions.

    • You know why societies have promoted the idea of monogamy? Because it’s good for children and it’s good for women. Take a look at what happens in a society where monogamy isn’t valued, the people who suffer the most are the women and children — and especially poor or disabled children. Who is going to support a disabled child if you aren’t sure whose it is? Who is going to help a mother through those last months of pregnancy and those first months of post pregnancy if you don’t know who the father is? Why take financial responsibility if it’s not yours? Religion goes a step further than a basic, healthy society that encourages monogamy by telling you to raise the fatherless child and help the husbandless woman. Unnatural? Sure. But have you noticed that man bears tend to kill little baby bears? Force females into sex or herds and kill offspring that isn’t theirs. Lets go with unnatural, shall we?

  86. The Marriage editor has thought way too much about this… he has 1 or 2 mistresses already… and personal fantasies, one thing, openly wanting to get laid by a famous person is already cheating… good luck

  87. Dennis Koyle says:

    Men Don’t cheat because they don’t want to and they make advance preparations for how to handle the situation when it comes up. You could say, if you fail to plan you plan to fail!

  88. Cheating is sooo 2007, like what?

  89. Monogamy has never been a difficult thing for me. I gave my word and stand by my word.

  90. What does one do when his wife is unwilling to discuss sexual barriers felt in a relationship? Particularly in a childless marriage. I have not cheated on my wife and I love her tremendously, but I’m genuinely feeling sexually frustrated and the last time I mentioned this to her, she held out on me for six weeks….it nearly ruined our marriage. That was over two years ago. The type of work I’m doing now puts me in a situation where I’m required to be emotionally intimate with men and women. Advice from married men is appreciated.

    • I feel like thats a very touchy subject to bring to anyone, but it is also a very important part in a relationship (not the MOST but that intimacy and connection is need) as cliche as is sounds I would advice counseling? My cousin went through a lot of issues in their marriage, no communication, abandonment, all of that and she had packed everything she had and leave him but he begged her for counseling and even though she rolled her eyes and figured it wouldn’t do anything they are happier than ever.

      All in all you should try to have some special night planned, pull out all your romantic cliche chick flick moves and show her how special she is. Do your best to communicate with her because, honestly, there is something going on with her or somewhere else that is pushing her away like that, and I am hoping it is not ironic to this thread. Try to ask if you are doing something she doesn’t like, what she may want to try out. I am not sure of all the effort you have tried and I am sure you have tried many, but those are just my thoughts. I wish the best of luck to you 🙂

    • A Reply to “No Name”. I am a women who was married once before. My 1st marriage was like that. I wasn’t very intimate with my ex-husband. I worked and I did all the housework and was very tired by the end of the day so it was easy to just shrug it off. Women are sooo not wired for relations all the time. Eventually he got bored and found someone else while we were still married. Now I don’t excuse his behavior by any means but sure enough I got married a 2nd time and the same routine started again, except for this time my current husband was amazing… First he would leave work early, pick up dinner and be waiting for me then after dinner he would help with the laundry and whatever housework. I wasn’t tired at bed time and then he very much just always put my needs first which would in returned end well for him too. All of that to say – I don’t know what all issues your wife might have but us women are like Crock pots, you have to turn us on in the morning so that by bed time were ready to have fun so maybe a few light kisses on the neck before you leave for work or maybe make sure the house is all in order before she has to do it and then always shower her with sweet nothings so she hears how much you need her! After 5 years of the best marriage ever we now enjoy each other all the time and its all because he put in a lot of effort the first year so now I’m on the same level has he is. AND for all the women out there….. Your man really needs you to take care of him. Trust me, if he is regularly taken care of – you’ll see a whole new person. We as women don’t understand how important that aspect of the marriage is to them but it is! Surprise your man tonight, even if you’re tired… I believe it should be a part of the top 3 most important things in your marriage!!

      • I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, but women are perfectly capable of being turned on in an instant. It just requires a conscious realization that we’re prioritizing the wrong things. Sex and intimacy are absolutely important in relationships, and I believe most women understand that and feel the same way. That’s one of the reasons mine didn’t work out, we just weren’t connecting intimately or having enough sex. And it was because he was tired, or busy, or working, or exercising, or one of the many things that took priority over us. This thing goes both ways.

      • Sounds like you have a problem of getting sexually aroused. All the girlfriends I’ve had LOVED sex and initiated it first on many occasions. I’ve also been with many women who were sexually frustrated because their ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands didn’t satisfy them.

    • Relationships ebb and flow. There was a time not too long ago that my wife and I were not connecting on almost any level. Sexually, there were times of such drought that I considered infidelity. Six weeks would have been a vacation. Try 4-6 months between sessions of physical intimacy for years at a time (yes I marked it on a calendar).

      A couple of things changed. I got a different job that allowed me more certainty of income and my wife greater security. Additionally, we discovered that my wife had a rare sleep disorder that left her tired most of the time. Additionally, our Aspergers son started turning the corner in school and social interactions relieving some joint stress.

      Sometimes the sexiest feature of your spouse is knowing that they didn’t leave or didn’t cheat even when you gave them every reason to. Now I am at a place where I like the person that my wife encourages me to be, and she likes the person I encourage her to be.

      I’d love to say that there is an easy way out, but there simply isn’t. I came to a realization that 70-80 years isn’t really that long, and that I was willing to abide by my vows to my wife even if that meant 70-80 years of a less than fulfilling marriage. In the end, that decision created the current environment of openness and intimacy that my wife and I NEVER enjoyed before. We are married 17 years today after dating for 4 years before we married.

      In 21 years, we’ve never been happier. Neither of us want to lose that or go backward.

    • If you can’t talk about it then you should seek counseling. Sex is not a bartering tool. Maybe your job makes your wife uncomfortable. My husband doesn’t watch movies or shows with nudity in them because he respects me and that makes me feel more secure even though I know he’s not going to be drooling over the girl. Maybe your wife doesn’t like your job but she doesn’t want to just ask you to quit because that is a big deal. It will be an even bigger deal if ya’ll get a divorce because of lack of communication and resentment.

  91. I don’t cheat because it never even occurs to me that I can or should. That is not to say that I am blind or made of stone, but I can appreciate a beautiful woman without thinking “I could hit that”.

    My wife is who completes me, why would I look somewhere else?

  92. If you need 31 reasons you’re probably overthinking it.

  93. Martin Kuhio says:

    Monogamy is bad for the soul.

    • Right? It’s not cheating if it’s not against the rules. I’ve solved the problem of infidelity by having loving relationships with people grown enough to admit that we’ll probably all fall in love more than once in the rest of our lives and that that doesn’t have to affect our current relationships any more than we let it.

      • wow, you’ve found that? I felt like I’m the one being unrealistic in thinking that’s possible. I feel like if anything it would strengthen the relationship (if it was done the right way of course). Was it intrinsic to your relationship(s) or was it something that was decided and hashed over?

      • Christoph H says:

        Thank you Richard! It´s the same for me. And by the way, I just looked up a few statistics about cheating. It looks like men and women cheat quite the same amount!

    • Actually, monogamy is biological. Read this article that came out not too long ago in how monogamy works in the brain.

      http://dovemed.com/article/cuddle-chemical-may-be-key-to-monogamy-study-suggests/

    • Sometimes women think their man is cheating on them when from the man’s perspective, the relationship is not yet defined, therefore it’s not really “cheating”. Usually early days, for example – you’ve been on a couple of dates and all of a sudden, talking to another woman is unacceptable. Oddly, when WOMEN do it, it’s perfectly reasonable – Cue strange explanations, such as “I am not cheating, I’m multi-dating”, “I’m free to do what I want till you put a ring on it” etc. And throw a mega-strop if you point out this is no different to what men do. It’s one rule for men, another for women. For instance, women think it’s a good game to flirt outrageously with their best friends’ partners, work colleagues and even the boss – and will actively egg each other on to do it. Yet when caught at it lo and behold, they absolve most if not all the responsibility. Contrastingly, men wouldn’t even DARE go there (for fear of an almighty kicking). And if they do, and get caught, they get the book thrown at them. Simple reason why men cheat is because if a woman keeps throwing herself at them (sometimes to the point of harassment – I’ve seen that myself!) it’s easier to just get it over and done with, than put up with the relentless mind games.

      • Everyone today is way too obsessed with possessing one another at even such a young age. My class started pining over who to make their boyfriend/girlfriend in the fifth grade. And if you were “talking” to one person, you were simply a slut if you “talked” to someone else, or a man whore or whatever gender-appropriate insult one could find.

        My parents always told me that back in their day, you went on dates with several people when you were young and then if you decided that you really clicked with someone, you would go steady. Dating seems super exclusive now from the start. I think a lot of people lie to themselves that they are ready to be monogamous at a young and exciting age just because they enjoy one person and are afraid of losing them…..or they just get too comfortable.

        I have always wanted to not be “tied down” until I am married but this goes against everyone’s current relationship values and need for possessive security. I think our intense relationship values dim down our curiosity and experience for the “playing the field world” and it causes an interest in cheating in later, married life.

      • “Simple reason why men cheat is because if a woman keeps throwing herself at them (sometimes to the point of harassment – I’ve seen that myself!) it’s easier to just get it over and done with, than put up with the relentless mind games.”
        POOR, POOR MENZ! Cheating because women are so easy and so throw themselves to innocent men and these men are just scared and don’t want to play mind games so they have no other option! 🙁 OMG that is so sad, how men suffer! *cries forever*

        Will you accept your wife’s excuse if she cheated on you and said it’s just because it’s easier to get it over and done with than put up with the relentless chasing of a muscular young, hot guy? Come on, that is difficult to put up with this tricky mind games they keep playing with us while showing us their six packs and strong arms!

    • I think it’s very sad that nearly all of these “reasons” are based on fear. Fear of what others may think. Fear of breaking rules. Fear of living how you want to live. You love your wife and you are no longer interested in other women? Lie to yourself, but not to me. You love your wife and CHOOSE not to follow up on your interest in other women? Sure, do what you want.. just be honest about it. Trust is meaningless if you keep lying to yourself about your motivations for fidelity.

      Check out ‘FREE SEX’ http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00EA8T43M and learn about what is involved in having a REAL, honest, loving relationship while still being a decent man.

  94. OnlyHuMan says:

    Having read every single word, post and comment I have to agree with a little bit of everything. IMO, infidelity is a weakness. So forget 31 reasons, there’s only 1 core reason. It all comes down to will power. You have it, or you don’t.

    Above one mentioned: “But for those working in occupations were it is possible to cheat without getting caught, like when you travel to internation conferences the percentange that say they cheat is 70% for both men and women”.

    Assuming this is a fact. I have to say that twice, this was almost true for me. I have always believed i was stronger, but no, weakness got the better of me.

    I LOVE my wife and I LOVE my kids, but i also love myself, and my selfish need was stronger than the former two.

    Yes, at the time, our marriage wasn’t at its best the first time the opportunity presented itself, so i conveniently psyched myself into thinking that was a good reason to take it to 3rd base (intercourse is still sacred to me). I got caught, but my loving wife gave me a second chance.

    Foolish, when the opportunity came again a few months later, i distinctly remembered telling myself “it’s ok, you can get a way with it this time. You know what not to do to get caught again”.

    I hesitated, but this time my will to be just (to my wife and kids) was stronger and i couldn’t let my wife go through the pain again. And saying no felt great.

    So for whatever reasons you may have not to cheat, it’s all down to will power.

    And no perfect answers here. But I pray mine stays strong.

    • wellokaythen says:

      If the only reason is sheer willpower, then that sounds like a relationship doomed to failure. In addiction circles, that’s called “whiteknuckling,” which is basically a non-solution. If the only way to be faithful is to force yourself and monitor yourself evey second, then what’s the point of that relationship?

  95. Because I can’t cheat a woman, I can’t live without.

  96. what are the facts about cheating or how many percent of persons in comitted monogamous relationships in Amerika.
    in my country statistics say for the country as a whole 40% men and 30% women have cheated.

    But for those working in occupations were it is possible to cheat without getting caught, like when you travel to internation conferences the percentange that say they cheat is 70% for both men and women.

  97. To be attracted to a woman I need to know her. I can find a woman pretty or beautiful physically and still not want to have sex with her. I need mental attraction as well as physical attraction in order to be fully into someone.

    Why would I want to have a series of boring encounters with a variety of women when I could have a variety of amazing encounters with one amazing woman?

  98. Amazing discussion, yet I still have one big question, “What’s cheating mean?”

  99. Zdravka Simova says:

    It is kinda sad to read those comments. Most of men are sharing reasons like honor, shame, fear, guilt, inconvenience, too much work, etc. None of them didn’t say the simple: ” Because I dont want to and because i dont have the need to”
    For real answers men should answer anonymously. Of course once you use your real name you will write wherever your wife wants to hear. Be like a silent hero. Just say the truth and focus on thev facts not on the exposure you will receive trough this article.
    I don’t like generalizations and I want to believe that not all men are cheaters. Unfortunately my experience shows that I obviously believe in miracles.

    • It is amazing how many people say that they wouldn’t cheated because they are afraid, of being caught, or betraying or whatever. Or that she is a good mother to my children, or a good cook, or looks good on my arm.
      It has never occurred to me that I could, or I should, cheat. There better looking, richer, more this or more that, women out there, but none of them are her.
      I fully expect this to remain so until one of us dies.

    • wellokaythen says:

      Zdravka Simova writes:
      “For real answers men should answer anonymously. Of course once you use your real name you will write wherever your wife wants to hear. Be like a silent hero. Just say the truth and focus on thev facts not on the exposure you will receive trough this article.”

      I totally agree. We can’t really expect a candid answer from people who give their real names and broadcast their comments to the entire world. With my wife and 3 billion other women looking over my shoulder, what would you EXPECT me to write?

      There are a lot of gullible, even naïve, reactions to these tweets. They are just so precisely “The Right Answer” that I find it hard to take them seriously. If I wanted to tell the women of the world what I thought they wanted to hear, then these are the things that I would write.

      That doesn’t mean that they aren’t sincere, but they just sound a little too perfect. It would be more believable if more of them said, “I don’t because my wife would kill me.”

  100. Men do cheat cos they are flawed humans you can never run away from this facts but the blessing is disguise is when women will learn to differentiate between good guys and bad guys. Good guys don’t cheat cos relationship is not a test so why cheat? Marriage is a sacred thing created by the almighty for a reasons.

  101. I just came out of a relationship where my boyfriend (now ex) cheated on me from day 1. Thank you for reminding me that it’s not a “man thing” to cheat. He chose not to be faithful to me. Hopefully I can find a guy that will choose to be faithful.

  102. It’s true that it’s related to our old wiring, but there’s a reason why it’s “old”

  103. Aaron Miller says:

    The first reason I won’t cheat on my wife is because I vowed to her before the creator of all (aka God) that I wouldn’t. To me that would destroy my promise and I believe in keeping ALL of my promises, plus I dated several women and my wife is the most beautiful one.

    Second, I want to be the best example to my son. Now I know everyday I screw that up by doing something stupid but when it comes to marriage I want him to see that a man will go all out for his wife.

    Thirdly I have seen some of my friends cheat and I have see the struggle they, their wife and family went through and I don’t want any of that nor do I want my family to go through that either.

  104. Adrian Edioma Migraso says:

    Because I have a great family, my wife functions as the greatest mother for my son. No one else can do that. 😀

    Because I have the greatest breakfast in bed, harhar. No one else can make a better recipe.

    Because my wife has the best genes to populate the world with kings. That’s 1 in a billion biological characteristic of a woman.

  105. alex bataller says:

    I made my vow and I intend to keep it. I love my 6 kids and showed my love to them by loving their mother.

  106. I’d like to understand why they are cheating on their partner.. We’ve been 7 yrs together and our relationship is not doing well . My partner is always rejected me of my needs not only sex but being there as a partner. I also needs to be taken care of, I need to be hug sometimes, I need a partner to sleep with not just because you need sex but you need a warm hug, I need a magic word ( I love you), all of it a lot to mention!!!! But then all of this I don’t have an ego to cheat coz I still respect myself and I love my kids..

  107. I can imagine why some people cheat, but that’s like running away from your own ability to deal with your own problems and show the love you committed yourself to in the first place. If you can’t commit then don’t give yourself a reason to quit… Marrying someone is because you love THEM not yourself.

    It’s like being a jerk to a little kid, “here you go have some ice cream…. NOT (takes it away)” The heck is wrong with you… Don’t offer commitment if you can’t give it… that goes for everything else too..

  108. A good woman gives a good man a reason to be faithful, and the same is true for how a man gives a woman a reason to be true. Love and respect are instictive; though not always followed. True strength is found in those who can stay together……

    • I think it’s an inaccurate statement Sarah to say:

      “A good woman gives a good man a reason to be faithful”…
      Plenty of “Good women” out there getting dogged by men on this ‘Cheating’ theme, it has nothing to do with ‘good woman’ that is exactly where they laid the trap. It has to do with character. “A good Woman” giving a “good man a reason” to be faithful? That’s just putting the entire relationship and the responsibility all on the woman and it’s one of the easiest ways to justify abuse. Cheating is abuse. It is a betrayal. It’s got nothing to do with being a “Good Woman” that is a delusion…I’m happy you and hubby it seems are doing okay and bless you both and I mean that…but honoring a commitment at minimum to be honest, has to do with choice and character, it’s got nothing to do with any woman being greater or less than and ‘deserving’…it’s TIME we woke up on this issue as a collective.
      http://counselingoutfitters.com/Rutherford.htm

      • I agree. I tried to be the perfect wife to a man who didn’t ever really want me. It was exhausting and filled me with such anxiety. But no matter what I did it was never good enough. The ex cheated on me twice and walked out on our marriage twice, all of it my fault, of course *rolls eyes*. The second time I let him go without a fight. I tried so hard to do the right thing, the Biblical thing of sacrificing everything for my man and that’s all it would take to make a perfect marriage. I learned a hard and painful lesson: it really does take two to make a marriage work. And it’s not fair to ask a woman to stay in a loveless marriage.

        The same goes for a man in the same situation. Men and woman both deserve love and respect and it shouldn’t fall on one person to shoulder the burden.

  109. cheating should have nothing to do with “having steak at home”. women are not objects of fulfillment. we are all human. we don’t exist to make men content enough to stay faithful.

    • Are you serious? That was an analogy, and not meant in any way to objectify women. It would have been the same as saying “why go mine silver and when you have gold at home” or something like that.

      • Agree, but still her/his last phrase counts. I would never cheat, even if my spouse made me feel unloved or unfulfilled.

  110. 🙂 The article is great though kind of sexist in nature. I think a better title would be, 31 reasons why people choose not to cheat. 😉

    • True, but as the article stated it’s specifically a reaction to a gender-reversed version of the same thing form Huffington Post, which is far more widely read, being a major news media outlet and all.)

      • Tamara Star says:

        Actually the Good Men Project was just named one of the top 100 read blogs and ranked up there with Playboy as far as readership last month. 🙂

  111. CHEATING is a myth created by people who were afraid and angered by jealousy and selfishness.

  112. My humble reason is that. I want to keep myself holy before God. Obeying his commandment and the fear of his word strengthen my spirit and discipline me to resist temptations.

  113. Tom Brechlin says:

    In my case, I haven’t and won’t ever cheat on my wife for one simple reason. 38 years ago I took a vow, for better or worse ….. As a human, a man who is able to make conscious decisions, right or wrong, my choice is to honor those vows.

    Note that in IMO, there is no justification to cheat. That being said, people do realize that for every man who cheats, there is a women who is cheating with him. “But I didn’t know he was married” is no excuse for either party. Maybe you should get to truly know the person before you bed down with him/her.

    Take some responsibility / accountability people and quit making excuses.

    • Unless the woman was also committed, she isn’t cheating. The same goes for a single man that goes to bed with a commited woman – he isn’t the one cheating.
      The cheater is the only one cheating here, and should take full responsability.

      • being in a relationship is a fiduciary relationship. You choose to act in the best interests of your partner, as they do for you. Cheating isn’t about sex. Cheating is about the lies, and not acting in the best interest of your partner. the question we should ask our selves before we act is “do i have a problem telling my partner about this…. and will they be ok with it”. Helping people break their fiduciary relationships i see as equally as cheating! and the person is yourself!

    • By the way, “But I didn’t know he was married” is not exactly an excuse, but a justification. Many people really didn’t know someone was married, and not everyone is willing to truly know someone before bedding them. Still the cheater’s responsability. Cheaters lie and hide things from people, you know.

      But good to know you will see your wife’s boy as much as responsible for her cheating as herself. Evn if she lied to him and told him she was not married.

  114. So much of the argument is based on shoulds and should nots.
    The reality is however vastly different and makes it impossible to support ‘cheating’ one way or another.

    What this really all boils down to is, what are the expectations that you set for your partner. At the heart of it all, people choose to do things because they made a quick (albeit too quick at times) judgment that the immediate gratification is more rewarding than the consequence of the action.

    Faithful wives cheat, faithful husbands cheat. Love isn’t just about expecting your partner to be faithful. Love is also embracing the fact that he/she might not be. Because you don’t just ‘love’ a person cause he values only you and you alone. Its a all or nothing game. But we can’t do this because we’re creatures who like to possess property exclusively.

    There isn’t a case to justify why men should cheat or should not cheat. I think what people need to work on is to develop the understanding that love is meant to embrace all things in your partner, everything good and ugly.

    I don’t support cheating, but I don’t know if I will/would. What I know is that if my spouse cheats on me, I’d also understand that its in her nature, and I either accept it and love her as she is or reject and it and call it quits.

  115. Is the issue about relationships only about cheating? There are far worse things in a relationship than cheating. For one, there’s physical abuse. Another would be emotional abuse. The latter being far more potent than being cheated on.

  116. I don’t cheat because I’m too damn Lazy !

  117. wellokaythen says:

    So far this conversation has been about the choice between 1) being faithful and exclusive with your partner and 2) cheating on your partner with someone else.

    A few people have offered up a third option:
    3) opening up your relationship to something non-exclusive.

    Let’s not forget the other main option, which is
    4) honestly and respectfully breaking up with your current partner. For some men, the choice is not between cheating or staying, it’s between cheating and leaving. You can’t cheat on someone you’re not in a relationship with anymore. Sometimes that’s what integrity really means — doing the responsible thing first before you get into a relationship with someone else. What I doubt anyone would say online is, “I won’t cheat, because the right thing to do is to break up before that happens.”

    • The unfortunate part is I know more women who decided to not break it off with their significant other and stray from the relationship than I know men. I know the premise behind this article because it is debunking the myth that all men are just looking to spread their seed and that they have no evolved past being cave men. But in a world where I question my girlfriends who start full on other relationships, not just affairs while already with someone, it goes way beyond gender.

      I stand by the notion that if you are unhappy you end it, then you find someone else. Never be looking for something on the side while you still have a commitment to another.

  118. vernon nielsen says:

    I dont cheat because if would screw up the sexual energy. I am very empathic so monogamy allows me a depth of spiritual contact you dont get with having multiple partners. What that does to sex is mindblowing.

  119. On this topic: a beautiful poem my husband wrote me a few years ago. He has been committed to me for over 30 years. We met in college.

    (To My Beloved)
    May I remember to always see you in the highest.
    Even in the most mundane of moments. May I see you with wonder.
    May I listen to you and really hear everything that you say.
    Everytime you feel the trembling of fear, may I help you find the courage to stand tall in your light.
    May we continue to source our love in the Divine so that as we grow individually, as does our relationship.
    May we be constant and accepting of our differences and see that out own gifts are the offering we make to each other.
    May we balance our commitment with the spark of fire that keeps the electricity and desire flaming.
    May we hold to our own truths and yet feel our Light in union through the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine merged – ever growing, ever changing and filled with the promise of more.

  120. wellokaythen says:

    My long answer to the question:

    It’s not as simple as “cheating is selfish and fidelity is unselfish.”

    I have *selfish* reasons for not cheating. I don’t want that kind of life, where I have half a relationship here and half a relationship there and have to live a split existence full of lies. I don’t want a life where I have to keep track of more and more lies and live in fear of getting discovered. I don’t want to live a life dominated by a fear of saying the wrong thing. Telling a lie is like a little piece of death, or a little piece of myself that I’ve chipped away. Life is too short and too precious to live out a falsehood.

    Honestly, for me it’s not so much about guilt or empathy as much as it is about the kind of life I want for myself. I’d rather not bring all that sh*t and misery into my world.

  121. There are eight million stories in the naked city. And people violate their own ego ideals many times, in many ways, throughout their lifetimes.

    For example, most people like to think that they are totally honest. But psychological studies find people lie ALL THE TIME – like every single day all the time.

    “Honey, does my butt look fat in these jeans?”. The correct answer is, “No, sweetheart – your butt looks adorable”.

    Most people like to think that they are independent minded, and are not swayed by the pressure of the crowd, or external authority. If you think that’s you, google STANLEY MILGRIM for a truly horrifying look at the human condition.

    And its the same thing here. We are all a mass of contradictory thoughts, feelings, desires. We are all dealing with tremendous amount of inner shadow. We all have a beast inside of us – Freud called it the libido – the part of us that is all about reptilian sex and aggression. We layer over that stuff with the veneer of the socialization of civilization – but it doesn’t take all that much for the veneer to get stripped away, really.

    We like to think we’re better than that – but really, are we? Are you?

    So while it’s very nice to say you won’t ever cheat because you have INTEGRITY – look deep inside and you’ll actually get to see just how deep and true your integrity runs. While it’s very nice to say you won’t ever cheat because you love your spouse and you’ve made a commitment – you really don’t know what kind of person you’ll be if your marriage goes south and you find yourself HATING your spouse rather than loving him or her.

    We’ve got so much statistical proof of the frailty and fallibility of people who have said – in all sincerity at the moment – “I DO”, that we really have very little basis to trust in someone’s statements about why he (or she) won’t ever go outside the marriage for sex and/or romantic affection. The current stats are 50% of men and 40% of women will cheat at least once during a marriage.

    So half of those respondents are lying – or at least delusional.

    Dan Savage has written how gay culture is different than straight culture here. Gay men (he says) don’t put this sort of ego-ideal burden on themselves or their partners the way straight men and women do. It’s normative (he says) for gay couples to be “monogamish” rather than monogamous.

    And, it seems to me, that slowly but surely that “monogamish” meme is seeping into straight culture as well. It’s certainly normative enough in European countries. We’re laggards (as usual) because of our strong puritan heritage, among other things.

    And at the same time, if Bill Clinton could, he STILL be president. Old Bubba, with his famous life-long wandering eye – and JFK – and FDR – certainly three of the most popular presidents of the last hundred years.

    Americans are funny people.

    • I think the numbers are skewed. I believe after living over 60 years that more women cheat on their men than what is stated. Having known women that have cheated but will never admit it and knowing most men will admit it to other men…. So all you youngsters with high ideals about your integrity and honor, you may think you are above this, and I hope you are, but reality plays out differently over the years. I was married twice. Both wives cheated on me. I remained honorable and full of integrity until affection and caring were lacking from my wife. The right situation at the right time and….. what do you know…. mr. honorable and integrity had a weak moment at the wrong time and cheated. Do not be so full of yourself that you think you are above being weak.

    • “Gay men (he says) don’t put this sort of ego-ideal burden on themselves or their partners the way straight men and women do. It’s normative (he says) for gay couples to be “monogamish” rather than monogamous.”
      Not true. Less gay men kill their partners when being cheated on in comparison to straight men killing cheating wives? True. Less drama and violence? Also true. But most gay men still want a monogamic relationship and feel deeply about cheating.

      “And, it seems to me, that slowly but surely that “monogamish” meme is seeping into straight culture as well. It’s certainly normative enough in European countries.”
      Clearly, you are NOT from any European country. It isn’t normative enough at all, not even in Sweden.

  122. Cheating is lying! It is a simple betrayal of values you agreed on as a couple. There is no shortcut around it. I fully respect couples who decide together to open the relationship – either at the beginning or later in the relationship. But most of the people who do decide to cheat are doing that behind their partners back and this is a CONSCIOUS decision to hurt them. Most of the men who cheat hate the idea that their woman would do the same to them – and that’s just a pure double standard and cowardliness. I can’t respect a man/a person like that.

    I understand there can be many reasons why people decide to cheat. If there are some problems or unfulfilled needs – open your mouth and speak about them. I understand it can be a very difficult conversation for many but do it!

    It’s stupid to have this debate any longer…that women are not attracted to other men the same way men are to other women. We are! Oh trust me we are! Also more men these days how to please a woman sexually which was not the case in the past and more and more woman enjoy having sex without attachments. It’s hard for many men to change this mindset as they like the excuse “we are biologically wired to want more variety”. This is bullshit! The society conditioned us to think this way and most of the men would like women to believe that and have an escape route.

    I want to be in a monogamous relationship. But if one day, after many years of marriage I felt like I want a bit more variety, I am definitely going to have a conversation with my husband. And that’s what I asked him to do as well.

  123. Simple, as with all other things: it is the right thing to do. Don’t be a slave to your feelings and emotions, do what is morally right and find and fight for the freedom to do so. And yes, I believe right and wrong exists. Honour God, honour your wife and also yourself.

  124. Whilst I agree about what the article says in regards to dishonesty (cheating) I don’t think there should be a negative connotation to honest promiscuity (open marriages). I’d love to marry a woman who enjoyed been with other people and was accepting of the same in me. I can appreciate that view can be difficult for some to understand but for those of us (Man or woman, gas or straight) who are so inclined as to their asexual preferences of open and honest promiscuity they should never feel ashamed of that

  125. Great article and great answers as to why men don’t cheat, but most this is really over complicated. Men cheat because they want to—no other reason. I don’t cheat because I don’t want to. No other reason. Loving my wife and my family (and myself for that matter) all have nothing to do with my fidelity.

  126. Peter North says:

    Men are as faithful as their options, so too are women (albeit usually with more restraint). Most of the reasons listed can be countered with this….
    Are perfect 10’s that are better than your wife/gf throwing themselves at you constantly day in and day out? No, because you are probably a boring, fat, unattractive guy who just feels lucky to have found a woman who wants to spend time with you. It is easy to say “I would never cheat” on your high horse when you have never been pressured to do so. It is easy to critized professional athletes who cheat, but somewhat unfair as well. Imagine for a moment you are a rock star, celebrity, athele of international fame. Imagine that you could have every woman you wanted. You know that every woman you see would beg to fuck you. The hottest most perfect women in the world throw themselves at your feet multiple times a day.
    Really, do you still say it is easy not to cheat then? Especially when you know you wont be caught and you know it is just emotionless sex that means nothing and wont impact your relationship with your wife (provided she does not find out about it) Sure you may have a slight sting of guilt but that will fade.

    Now let’s move beyond sex. What if you met a woman who was better looking, more intelligent, funnier, charming and an over all better person than your wife and she liked you? On every measurable scale this new woman is far better than your current one. And say that in some perfect world you know for certain that this is all true and perfect. Do you still say I won’t cheat? If you do you are ignoring your innate survival instincts and are illogical. You are wiilling choosing less for yourself and future.

    Cheating isn’t right and I do not condone it but it’s not so black and white either. I hope my comments provoke some thought. Peace.

    • Matties Mya says:

      If you met someone who was better in everyway, why stay with your current partner? It’s the deception that is uncalled for. Same thing with the most “perfect women throwing themselves”; why be in a committed relationship? Simple; avoid the deception and live openly. I think that’s why “open” marriages work the way they do-it’s not deceptive, because the other knows about it.

  127. Jim Charlotte says:

    I’m lazy. It would take way more work than it is worth. I’m so busy I don’t have time to keep up with my wife, let alone somebody else. And there’s all the crap you have to go through to get them in the sack – the flirting and dinners and gifts. One woman is expensive enough. I just don’t get the guys who cheat – they need to get a hobby or something.

  128. Gr8day2u2002 says:

    It makes me sad that not one person said that the reason they don’t cheat is because they don’t want to. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but do all people really want to cheat but don’t because of potential consequences?

  129. The Spe@cker says:

    Honestly why do guys think of cheating on women, i know a woman that i love to much to cheat on and the thought of cheating would never go through my mind. She is honestly everything i could ever ask for. If guys could only think into a mind of a girl and think of what the thought of cheating will do to a girl, Firstly it would damage their trust and influence in all men as they would feel as if they could lose trust in a man again because they would feel as if everytime they go into a relationship that the man will just be disloyal and cheat on her again. Secondly that most men also even say that they have all they could have asked for as in they have the perfect woman, the family and everything else they wanted by they still have to go along and cheat. what must go through mens minds when they even think about doing that kind of thing to there loved ones, because they must think about what they already have and what they are going to lose because of the stupid move that they are about to go and do. Also it wont just damage their trust and influence in men, it will also play with their heads as when they do feel as if they have fallen in love with the perfect guy again, every time that the man isnt around she will still sit there and worry about what there man is up to and it will make her go crazy and it will make her feel as if though every guy she is going to meet is going to do the same over and over again. That is one thing i can definately say and that i will never cheat on a woman as i firstly am not cold hearted and selfish, secondly couldnt even think of what i will do to the girl. Thirdly, that i love her to much to even think about
    doing that kind of thing.

    • wellokaythen says:

      I wouldn’t take responsibility for the way that a woman feels about all other men in her future. (Unless she’s essentially still a child, but I wouldn’t be with a child in the first place.) Not cheating because you don’t want to hurt a woman’s faith in men is a pretty slender reason, to my mind. That’s taking on a little too much responsibility.

      • More about awareness and empathy than responsibility there. We know some people do feel crushed when cheated on… why just never do that to them? That is kind.

  130. Humans are not meant to be monogamous for long periods; we started out in foraging, egalitarian communities where everything was shared and adults had ongoing multiple sexual partnerships. People are possessive these days because they have STUFF and that translates to “Mine! Mine! Mine!” and those feelings lead to disappointment in an ideal that is VERY hard to maintain. We are a self-punishing society instead of an “understanding of humanity” society.
    I wonder what the role of evolution has in our current levels of oxytocin and “pair bonding”?

    • Michelle says:

      There’s no proof that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous. I think it’s male propaganda. If there ever was multiple partners, it was because women were bullied into allowing like
      Men still try to push today. If men want to compare their sexual exploits to animals then why don’t they also eat their young and the mothers after birth when it exits her vagina.

      • You should check out the book “Sex at Dawn” — sums a lot of actual scientific evidence (not propaganda) for the non-monogamous nature of humans. My wife and I are two examples — we both have multiple sexual partners because that is the way we are. There is no coercion or bullying involved, just openness and honesty.

        Also, humans *are* animals. But we are not at all like the animals that eat their young. We are also not like the animals that lay eggs, or the animals that are cold-blooded. And I would argue that we are also unlike most species of birds — because birds are usually monogamous (also they have wings and fly). Just because humans are animals doesn’t mean we should act like *all* animals. Few animal species are similar to us, and even those that have some similarities are very different. Our social structure is most similar to that of bonobos but even then any comparison would have to be taken with a grain of salt, because obviously humans and bonobos have a lot of differences too.

      • Michelle you state: There’s no proof that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous. It’s called historical anthropological research and documentation. Reading can be a great pastime AND you can learn (and then intelligently question) new things!

        • Michelle says:

          Human anthropological studies show that we’ve evolved overtime and just because people did this based on long periods of time ago, we also made clay pots and used rocks to cut our food. This just shows that we were more barbaric and as time has gone on we have become more intelligent in our choices. Just because men are more selfish sexually than women are, doesn’t mean that they have to have an array of multiple partners. No where does not say that this was required. If that’s the case women should be allowed the same, but that’s not how it’s been -men have oppressed women and they enjoyed the many sexual partners and women were not afforded the same right. No, women were forced by childcare to sit home-No it’s not right and I say stop The abuse now.

          • Actually, Michelle, there are quite a few studies out there that indicate that women are physically MORE selfish than men, desiring more variety, and physically often more easily aroused, but as you say we’ve been oppressed for so long than many of us have internalized the “meek sexuality” message, and indicate that some evolutionary psychologists have not been truly scientific about their investigations, letting their gender bias infiltrate their work.

            • Michelle says:

              Hi Risa,
              Great insight, you have me thinking. I tend to agree with you; however, I wonder how many of these studies are false in that they are funded by ‘special interest groups’ such as: pornography corporations, bordellos or by people who make the big money off of cheating websites for males. Capitalizing on male sex drives and ego is a billion-dollar industry Not to be meddled with… I’ve seen the corruption go so far as supporting pedophiles in court judgments it appears that males will protect their sexual preferences like crazy. I don’t know the answer to this however. Lately, I’ve been looking into some of the medical bias in some of the studies at prestigious schools like Harvard and Yale and found that many are being funded by large pharmaceutical corporations Which is obviously a conflict of interest for the people -but they don’t know this part -The conflict of interest propagates the industry But so far there are no checks and balances against this kind of thing . So part of me wonders what kind of special interest influence these studies Are being supported with especially since they appear diametrically opposite of what you ‘see’ in society. Any true thinker would question some of their results. It just appears to be more propaganda to keep women in their place allowing men to continue spending their money on their sex elsewhere.

              • Michelle says:

                Men are being duped – they Think this benefits them-Business is just stealing their hard earned money , wife and kids by appealing to their sex drives and ego.

          • wellokaythen says:

            No real anthropologist worthy of mention uses wording like “barbaric” or “now more intelligent in our choices.” Very few professional anthropologists believe in evolution as a steady march of improvement or humans becoming smarter. Stone tools do have some great advantages over metal ones, as we may all discover when our delicate “civilizations” come crashing down around us. Look at the state of the world today. Are we modern people actually making SMARTER choices?

      • Michelle, how is it male propaganda? Women have just as many sexual desires as men (unless they’ve been conditioned otherwise), at least I do.

      • Needs more salt.

    • I’ve never bought this “Humans are not meant to be monogamous for long periods” theory. Any theory that tries to make broad generalizations about human sexuality (when it is so varied) is bound to be untrue a huge chunk of the time. Because sexuality is influenced by so many factors, I think it’s more honest to say that some people are more wired to be monogamous while others are more wired to be polygamous.

      • wellokaythen says:

        Exactly.

        And, I don’t see how anything that humans do could ever be “unnatural.” Looked at in the aggregate, humans obviously have the biological ability to be monogamous or polyamorous (or even celibate). The most we could ever say is that humans “lean towards being ___.” Humans have managed to practice all these things for millennia, so how would we really prove that one was natural and one was unnatural?

        I don’t see why we have to categorize Homo sapiens as only one or the other. Only naturally monogamous or naturally polygamous. Seems to me that humans have tendencies towards both.

        As it turns out, even animals that supposedly “mate for life” are often more promiscuous than previously thought. Swans are famous for being extremely exclusive, extremely monogamous, but DNA tests have shown that about 25% of swans are conceived outside the “exclusive” mating pair. To me that sounds like swans are mostly monogamous with occasional polyamory, not only one or the other.

        • wellokaythen says:

          Debating whether humans are naturally monogamous or polyamorous is like asking, “Are ducks supposed to fly, or are ducks supposed to swim?”

          Why can’t BOTH be natural?

        • No, that is because most males of most species systematically rape females. So they have babies of males they did not agree to have sex with. Just like the human males, you know.

    • Jamie Parsons says:

      That is a load of crap. If we weren’t meant to be monogamous then how come every damn society on earth evolved to include monogamous relationships? Often to the point of being so dominant that marriage is the norm? In different societies on opposite sides of the world?
      Some people are meant to be monogamous, some aren’t. So what. If someone has self-control, respect and a deep love for their partner, they can be monogamous their whole lives, just like my parents have been, and my grandparents, and my great-grandparents.

      • “If we weren’t meant to be monogamous then how come every damn society on earth evolved to include monogamous relationships?”

        Not all societies on Erth “evolved” to impose monogamous relationships. We have much of it because of hierarchy (mostly Patriarchy) and the Church.

  131. Michelle says:

    I think men shouldn’t cheat of they don’t want to hurt their partner. If they cheat, then they should let her cheat too. If a man is getting some on the side, then she should indulge too. If he wants variety, what makes men think women don’t want that as as well? We do, but we respect our partners enough not to ACT on our desires.

    • If it’s an honest agreement, it’s not cheating. It’s a form of polyamory. My wife and I both have sexual partners on the side. It’s not a secret, neither of us our trying to hide it. It’s empowering for both of us, and nobody gets hurt. Naturally, jealousy crops up at times, and we deal with it together. So once again, it’s not cheating unless it’s dishonest and secretive.

  132. Ah man. My husband loves me. He has the steak at home. He wants to be a great guy and he is a great father. But he still cheated.This issue is so immensely more complicated than 31 ‘reasons’ that are mainly just a little insulting to those of us whose self-esteem has been blown apart.

    • I agree totally…I was blown away when my husband cheated on me 5 years ago…it tears you down but I loved him, chose to stay with him…we have 3 kids and I love him…believe me, I have my days…he never gave me a real reason why ,the hurt you feel is unbelievable ,the betrayal on every level, the humiliation..men just don’t see it as devastational until YOU say enough, you cant handle it,its been hard to trust again BUT he knows I forgave once but NEVER again…..men are like kids sometimes/they think they have no accountability for their actions, they somehow become the victims…their excuses…they feel left out/not enough attention etc…..I say SUCK IT UP!!! I did everything I could for my hubby …he was just selfish,not thinking of me, the kids and the actual outcome of an affair….what he doesn’t understand about the affair…it has belittled me and made me even to this day second-guess everything about myself

    • I’m a little bit puzzled as to how the reasons these men provided for why they DON’T cheat are insulting to women who have been cheated on. In fact, the only thing it seems to say regarding women who have been cheated on, is that they don’t deserve the pain and suffering that was caused to them, and many men have the integrity not to do that to a partner they care about. If anything, wouldn’t this be insulting to your husband, who clearly did not have that integrity and, I might add, most likely has some issues he needs to work through before he can be a truly great partner who doesn’t tear down your self-esteem?

      Perhaps the correlary of this is that you seem to have come into this article perceiving it as “31 things a woman can do to prevent a man from cheating,” when it isn’t that at all; it isn’t your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t cheat. It isn’t your responsibility to make himself into your steak. It isn’t your fault or your failing if he doesn’t live up to being the partner you deserve.

      So to a large degree, I do think this article is important, if a little silly, because it establishes the voices of men who would not do what would harm their spouses, who truly strive to be the best people they can be, and don’t let themselves get away with having no control over themselves. It establishes the tone that men who cheat are not just a disappointment to their SOs and families; they have failed to live up to what a man ought to be. Not as an unattainable goal, but as a basic adherence to real standards of self.

  133. It all come down to integrity. I was cheated on twice by my first wife and can tell you it is an emotional merry-go-round that truly sucks. My current wife has so much integrity that I never worry about “us”, we both want our three adult children to believe effort and integrity will serve them well both personally and professionally, throughout their lives.
    I would never dream of deceiving my wife, and especially in that way…when I said “I do” I meant it.
    Love, honor and cherish one another!

  134. Michael Taylor I coudln’t have said it better myself.

    I’m so impressed with how much intelligence you show. If you want an amazing loving fulfilling relationship with a woman – it start with you. You’ve got to address your Inner Game if you want Outer Game.

    “I choose to be monogamous because I took the time to discover the emotional and psychological issues that kept me from experiencing deep levels of intimacy with a woman. As a result of my “inner work” I am now able to experience deep levels of trust, intimacy and connection with my wife.”

    “Nothing is more important to me than sharing my life with the woman who is absolutely perfect for me. ……..Contrary to popular belief I believe most men would like to have a loving, caring, rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Too many men simply aren’t willing to learn how to do so.”

  135. Wait what?

    If an actress and you had sex, she’d be happy, and that’s why you don’t cheat?

    THAT IS CALLED CHEATING.

  136. Hey, Michael snuck in quite a Humble Brag there. Hilarious. But I agree with not being so possesive and jealous if at all possible, it’s very counter productive.

  137. Michael says:

    Or maybe everyone could grow the fuck up and let go of their culturally instilled sexual jealousy? Had a girlfriend over, and despite warning her that my wife would be home soon but it was no big deal, had to keep her from sticking to the ceiling like Garfield when said wonderful wife came home, found us curled up under a blanket, then hopped in next to her and said, “Hope you two had fun!”

    Yes this happened. No it’s not a Penthouse letter. A Penthouse letter would have ended avec un menage a trois. Girlfriend didnt swing that way. Still with wonderful wife seven years later, though girlfriend has gone by the wayside. Frankly, neither Spouse not I has been with anyone else in a couple of years, but if that perfect person came along….

    The (im)moral of the story? It’s not cheating if you’re both cool with it and both matured beyond jealousy and possessiveness.

    • Alex Nester says:

      Thank you, thank you, thankyou what a relief to hear there are my kind of people out there somewhere. You and your wife sound like VERY smart people. I think the pressure we put on each other as partners is beyond crazy. Most people can’t be everything they need to be for ourselves. How can we when we are always changing and learning. So how on earth can we expect that of someone we love.

  138. Marriages should not be entered into with anyone believing that it will last “forever” and “…’til death do us part” – that is just unrealistic and a fantasy we are fed from birth.
    Marriage is a legal contract and should have terms and a renewal period (every 5 years, let’s say) so that the financial worries, if there is a divorce, are put to rest and everyone knows what to expect if one or the other wants out. Put that in place and you can concentrate on the romance in the relationship in the here and now; the renewal comes up and it’s either, “Time to go, thanks for giving it your best” or “ I do!” for another 5.
    And if we were assets to each other before the divorce why not continue to be friends after the fact? Let’s all try to be a little more sophisticated, shall we?

  139. parrotchic says:

    “My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs.”

    I was blown away by this…absolutely beautiful sentiment. 🙂

    • wellokaythen says:

      “My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs.”

      And what about her love for him as a full human being, including his “sexual needs”? I would hope that in his relationship, it’s a two-way street about seeing each other as human beings. While he’s sacrificing his sexuality on the altar of her humanity, what is she doing?

      • God man, stop with that. He spoke about himself and that is all that we got, what she does is another matter. Now you are trying to suume what happens in their relationship…. damn.
        He never said he was “sacrificing his sexuality on the altar of her humanity” (really dude?) as well. He said he sacrifices his “sexual desires” to have sex with people other then her because he loves her. So now you believe that she needs to love his “sexual needs” and accpet him having sex outside of their relationship? What is that about?

  140. I was reading looking to see someone say they so t cheat because they have no desire to. But it seems that the ultimate answer of just not having any desire at all to cheat isn’t what keeps men from cheating. Everyone just makes it sound like they just have self control. I love my husband and have no desire once do ever to cheat on him. I don’t have to be strong or fight off some urge to keep myself from ruining our good home. It’s just that I never think about cheating. That is what I was hoping to find here: that some men just really don’t have to even give a second thought because their heart isn’t interested in anyone else.

  141. My husband says that he wouldn’t cheat on me for all the sweet reasons, but also because “The sex with anyone else would be a let down, cause I’ve got the best at home.”

  142. This is absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing <3

    "Men cheat" is a lie my mom told me once… that I believed. It's a lie. It's hard to stop believing it, though, because it feels like, if we stop and then get cheated on, we'll feel like suckers. Well, I think it's better to be a sucker than a cynic.

    That's just me though :o)

    • Yes! Thank you!
      That lie is at the core of many infidelities.
      It’s a burden that men may never recognize and it works both ways. Believing it, a man is compelled and justified by the lie not reality; if a woman believes it she will inadvertently encourage the propagation of such a false responsibility.
      It’s through clearing away the lies that a man actually sees himself.

  143. Cheap cheat says:

    Is it still cheating if we got married for economic reasons?

  144. I find men charting so hurtful and disrespectful. I, like the men, do not tolerate it even once they are gone. Men get no fee pass just because they are men. As a woman, I am tempted to but do not act on it. I’ve been cheated in three times which makes me hate men who trick women. I will write a book explaining the hidden truths of men’s lowest lives.

  145. I would just like to say thank you, you wonderful men for your 31 reason responses. They were all very touching. I don’t buy into the “men can’t be monogamous and they are inherently unfaithful.”
    Your wives are well loved. So am I 🙂

    • My husband cheated but swears he loves me. So that doesn’t fly for me.

      • wellokaythen says:

        Only he can say for himself if he really loves you. You can say he doesn’t love you in a way that you need him to, but it is possible to love a partner and cheat on the partner. It is possible to do both, though it’s hard in moments of pain to have room for that.

  146. To those posters/tweeters who think they are immune to cheating because of love or morals or will power, a weird of warning: sometimes life serves you a shit sandwich.

    if you ever fall in love with someone you shouldn’t, you might find those cosy notions you credit yourself with are worthless. You cannot know what your future holds and your life may not always be so perfect. If you open your eyes to this now, and drop the “shes my one true soulmate”, you wil find yourself better prepared

    • wellokaythen says:

      I suspect some of these expressions on Twitter are a kind of white-knuckling, positive affirmation mantra. I will not cheat, I will not cheat, I will not cheat. Methinks there’s some protesting too much.

      If a man told you loudly and often that he would never cheat on you, I’d be very suspicious….

      Whatever willpower, commitment, and conscience I have dedicated to fidelity is nothing compared to the benefits of horrible experiences that I don’t want to repeat. There’s a lot to learn from people who’ve made mistakes that others claim they will never ever make.

  147. As a man, admittedly a young man not quite finished with his first quarter century, I’m happy to say I’ve never cheated, and it’s fairly easy to state why: If you find yourself in a position where your genitals have more say than your brain then you are one or more of the following:
    A) Weak willed
    B)Inebriated/intoxicated in some way-again weak willed and ignorant of your limits with the intoxicant of the moment
    C)Not committed and therefore not in love with your partner

    If A is your problem; then tbh there’s nothing that can be done for you until you grow a spine
    If B is your problem; don’t get smashed off your face in situations where friends that give a damn about you arn’t present- good friends will haul you out of there before you do or say something you’ll regret when the grey dawn of sobriety reaffirms itself
    If C is your problem then wtf were you doing in the relationship in the first place? You should have left it at f— buddy status.

    To avoid being a cheat you basically just need willpower and, occasionally, the balls to realise that your relationship isn’t working and at that point either the drive to fix it or the spine to bail on it without sticking your hand into another cookie jar first.

    • Jaggy Thistle says:

      You missed: D) An animal whose sole and natural purpose in life is the same as any other animal’s — to reproduce as much as possible before dying.

      • Yes, but you are forgetting that as humans we have something called reason and free will. We don’t need to let our “instincts” control us.

    • wellokaythen says:

      Very good points, though it seems to assume that infidelity is never about love or that if you love one person then that means you don’t love another enough. Life really would be much easier if the only times people cheat is when they’re drunk or mindlessly horny or have fallen out of love. If only we really could reduce all affairs to that. Do you believe there’s such a thing as an emotional affair?

  148. wellokaythen says:

    What I got from Gint Aras’ excerpt was that his wife would celebrate his extramarital sex if he did it with someone famous. Well, that’s one way to prevent cheating — define cheating as not cheating at all, and voila, the affair-proof marriage.

  149. Hello, devil’s advocate here,

    cheating is deplorable and selfish and all that, and the bottom line is if you do it, it shows you are selfish and flawed in character.

    HOWEVER, many people make the choice not to be monogamous and have open relationships (where everyone knows it’s an open relationship, not just the one person). And the response form society, judgement (I’m talking to you Dr Phil).

    I don’t want to be in an open relationship myself, but I don’t care if anyone else wants to, just like many other life choices I don’t make.

  150. There are many reasons why I don’t cheat.
    1. I stood before my friends, family, God, and my wife and made a vow to her. I took the vow seriously.
    2. I love my wife and hate seeing her upset.
    3. My wife is beautiful.
    4. It is my job as a parent to teach my children how to respect women. Cheating would be very disrespectful.
    5. I want my son to be faithful to his spouse someday. I’m an example.
    6. I want my daughter to be faithful to her spouse someday. I’m an example.
    7. The guilt would kill me.
    8. I’ve got a great life and I don’t want it to change.

  151. As a woman, I hear so much about how men don’t want to be monogamous, or how it’s not even natural for a man to be monogamous, at times I despair. I know it’s not easy being monogamous for either gender: men and women both fall in love or lust outside of marriage and then they are in the grip of a riptide many aren’t equipped to swim out of. (Although I certainly have wanted to ask a few of those guys who say that monogamy isn’t natural for a man if he would feel equally understanding if he learned his wife was fooling around.) I just have to say, a story like this is balm. If polyamory works for you in your relationship, good on you, but it’s really a comfort to hear at least once that there are men for whom monogamy remains a goal. Thanks.

  152. What a relief to read, especially after I just heard an interview on Power 105’s The Breakfast Club with Charlamagne Tha God, who repeatedly says polygamy should be legal and is ALWAYS asking guests the same. Blew my mind when The Game, who has a reality show coming about getting married, said he thinks it would be easier if women just expected for men to cheat. Talk about the lowest of the low standards. And every guy who cheats is forever talking about how he wouldn’t stay around if his woman cheated on him. The epitome of hypocrisy. To fellas who don’t cheat, I commend you. For those who do, stick to dating and stop wasting these women’s time. I’ve yet to catch anyone cheating on me, but my gawd, I really do think I’d flip out if I did. There’s no reason to just waste someone’s time and hurt their hearts in that way.

  153. wellokaythen says:

    If the men with these Twitter messages are a random sample, then odds are that about half of them have already had an affair or will have one in the future.

    You can never say for sure that you will never cheat, because you can’t predict everything about the future. People are incredibly bad at predicting how they will feel in the future, even when it comes to things they feel strongly about right now. You can give the reasons why you’ve never cheated, or the reasons why you probably won’t cheat, but you can’t give reasons why you never will. You can commit right now to never cheating, and keep focused on that commitment. The only 100% airtight guarantee against cheating on your wife is to divorce her, open up your marriage, or have one of you die.

    And, I can’t help but notice that these are sentiments expressed on Twitter, of all things. You know, that social network thing where everyone you know, including your wife, reads what you’ve written. So, perhaps these messages are meant primarily for their wives’ consumption. If I had a Twitter account and wanted to say something about infidelity, I would make damn sure I said all the right things. I’m not going to write, “Wow, that’s one hot biographer. How do I get one?”

    I’m happy for the men who are not attracted to any women except their wives. They are very fortunate, in many ways. But, that’s not really something to take pride in. You can hardly take credit for willpower or conscience or having a strong moral compass if you’ve never been tempted in the first place. You’re just wired in a certain way that you have no control over. It’s like taking credit for never getting drunk, when you hate the taste of alcohol anyway. I’m not sure what the advice would be to those men who are attracted to other women – just stop being attracted to other women? Just make yourself stop it?

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      I certainly don’t think these men are a random sample, because most likely if they were cheating, they wouldn’t have responded.

      Cheating is a crazy thing. Someone here earlier mentioned that no one (or most non-sociopaths, probably) think “I’m going to cheat. I’m just the cheater type.” Instead, people make mistakes that are caused by a a whole huge number of factors in their lives – the way they were raised, issues with substances, addictions to things like affirmation or sex, problems in their marriages, issues with communication, changes in their sex lives, changes in life in general… And, sometimes people just fall in love with someone they shouldn’t.

      Love is an overwhelming and overpowering emotion. Lust is almost as powerful. When you have both, bad things happen easily and quickly and logic goes out the window, and you start to compartmentalize the two different “loves” and it quickly can become a disaster.

      I think realistically, we’ll be tempted in life. Sometimes excruciatingly so. Sometimes we have to see the temptations as signs we’re not really ready to be fully-committed partners. But we have to recognize that for many people, temptation is real and they need to change their lives so that the temptation doesn’t lead them to make a choice that will damage everyone in the end.

      Ultimately, to me, a guy (or woman) who has an affair is not a “bad guy” – he’s just a guy who made a mistake. Some mistakes are hugely scorned by society (like cheating) and some aren’t. The measure of the person, I think, is the work he or she does to make amends, take responsibility, and work to make internal changes to no longer make the same mistakes.

      I think the good thing about the quotes above is that part of being faithful is having a deep understanding of why it would be bad. Not just for the wife or the marriage, but also for the emotional health of the cheater.

      As you asked above, what do you do when you’re attracted to the other person? I think you see the attraction, recognize that it’s very real and can be very powerful. Try not to put too much emphasis on it, don’t fantasize if you can avoid it (I think that feeds the attraction and makes it grow bigger) and realize that attraction is normal, but you have complete control over your choices. Let the attraction be there, then watch it lessen and eventually pass. As Hugo said once, one of my favorite things he’s ever said, is that Americans tend to think attraction and desire are like tidal waves – they can wash away everything else because they’re so powerful. But they’re only powerful if you let them be.

      Ultimately, if the attraction is that powerful that you can’t resist it, it’s time to see a therapist, make a change (so as to not see the attractive person that often), or leave the primary relationship. Though frankly, the people whom I know who leave a primary relationship for the person they’re attracted to are rarely happy in the end.

      • wellokaythen says:

        I think we generally agree about cheating and what to do about temptation. Everything you’ve said I’ve learned the hard way. I wish I had known all of it earlier. This is a much more realistic and concrete response than anyone can give in less than 140 characters.

        When people moralize about adultery or say they know they would never ever do such a despicable thing, they aren’t really helping anyone at all, least of all themselves. And, really, they may not be prepared to put temptation into perspective when they do feel it.

        As for unfaithful men saying those things on Twitter: I told a lot of lies during my brief affair. I was very moralistic about other people’s behavior, partly to compensate for my own immoral behavior, and partly to maintain the lie that I was living. I have no doubt if I had a Twitter account at the time I would have pretended to be the dutiful, loyal husband. It’s like those adamantly anti-gay evangelists who are outspoken against gay rights because they’re closet cases themselves.

        • wellokaythen says:

          Maybe I just have a wounded soul, but I just don’t believe in those relationships where one person says that the other is “perfect for me.” I roll my eyes at comments like those of Michael Taylor quoted in the article. I know that people feel that way, but that doesn’t mean that the relationship is on solid ground.

          Thinking the other is a perfect match for you and that you are both fused together seamlessly into one true whole? That’s just living an illusion. It can last for a very long time, but at some point you both have to face the fact that you’re human and that no one actually completes anyone else. In a whole lot of cases, one of the two spouses feels that fusing while the other doesn’t, or one wants it and the other doesn’t.

          The unrealistic fairy tale illusions about married love are some of the same delusional thinking that also drives affairs. The third person can become idealized just like any “lived happily ever after” mate. The person on the side maybe looks like your “soulmate” or “the one who really gets me,” when that’s an illusion as well. In some affairs, people turn away from a spouse because the spouse doesn’t meet the warped ideal of perfection and then turn to someone who on the surface seems to be perfect but really isn’t perfect either. Meanwhile, looking for the perfect person is a fundamental problem in the first place.

          There is no Prince Charming, neither inside your marriage nor outside.

          • @wellokaythen, I truly empathized with your comment and felt compelled to reply. Like yourself I used to believe that people who claimed to have “perfect” relationships were full of it. A lot of it had to do with some bitterness as a result of a divorce and a lot of it had to do with my own inability to have that type of experience.

            After being single for approximately five years I decided that I really did want to remarry and I made a commitment to understanding what it was about me that was causing my relationships to fail. As a result of going on my own inner journey, I discovered all of my “issues” that were keeping me from truly connecting with women.

            Fifteen years after my divorce and after some intense emotional and psychological cleansing I was ready to make the commitment of marriage. Fortunately for me I knew exactly what I was looking for in a woman and I found a woman with the same qualities and values that I cherish and we’ve been happily married for more than 10 years.

            Which brings me to this specific point: it is absolutely possible for two people to create a relationship in which two people recognize that they are perfect for each other. This does not mean that it is some sort of “New Age Soul Mate” relationship in which two people are fused together (your words), it simply means that two people come together with the same respect, qualities and values and they commit to being there for each other.

            The fact is, relationships are challenging, frustrating, messy and at times extremely difficult, at the same time relationships can and should be loving, fulfilling, caring and connected. When I mentioned that my relationship is perfect in it’s imperfections this is what I meant. There are always going to be challenges in relationships but if you find two people who are absolutely committed to the same thing in relationships they can be the source of infinite joy.

            The key is to first and foremost develop a relationship with yourself and feel complete and whole and then find that special someone to share your completeness with. If you do this there will never be a need to go outside of the relationship for sex or anything else.

            Don’t give up on love! It’s available to you if you will open your mind and heart to it. Good Luck!

  154. Nice post. Definitely needed. I’ve had enough of the double standard.

    Outside of being head over heels with my lady — these days, it’s just too dangerous to cheat. We live in a dirty world. Sex is never that serious. If you feel an urge to cheat, you and your significant really need to have a talk.

  155. Anonymous Male says:

    I probably don’t belong in this discussion, because at one point years ago I did cheat on my wife. I don’t get to say that I have never cheated.

    However, I am confident I will never cheat again, for all sorts of reasons. Some of those reasons for not cheating are noble and moral, and some of those reasons are practical and even selfish. Now that I know what it’s like, I have no desire to return to that kind of situation. For me, cheating was living half a life here and half a life there, not a full life anywhere. Every lie was like a little piece of death, a little piece of not being myself. I confessed to the affair and ended the affair all in one day. In that one day I broke three hearts, and broke my own twice.

    When any man says he will never cheat, I hope that is true. Before I had an affair, I was also a man who would never cheat, and I had been commended on my loyalty. Even the woman I had an affair with said I was a loyal husband. Based on my experience, I hope you mean it when you say you won’t cheat. I hope it’s not just lip service or compensation or a smokescreen.

    No man who cheats ever thinks he’s the kind of man who would cheat. If you’ve never, ever even been tempted, then you are very fortunate, and probably in the minority.

    I won’t cheat because I already know what it feels like, and I know the consequences. Been there, done that, no thanks.

  156. I don’t cheat because there’s a certain type of man I want to be, and that type of man doesn’t cheat on his partner.

  157. Mine is pretty simple, I don’t like the idea of being a total dirtbag and destroying my marriage vows because I had such little discipline that I couldn’t control myself. Plus I have daughters which is another total game changer. Cheating doesn’t exactly make me a better role model and guide to my children. Those reasons alone are enough for me.

    • Yes, it is very important to be unselfish and a great example for your children.

      Our society has become so narcissistic and unprincipled.

      Kudos to you! Happy Thanksgiving!

  158. jake wheeler says:

    ok, to be honest about it: I don’t cheat because then I’d have to either lie (at least by omission), or really really hurt my wife, whom I love so dearly. Look, I’ve been with a lot of women in my life, relationships and otherwise — before my marriage. And I know what sex means (which is never nothing), and what it doesn’t mean (which is only occasionally something significant). And I travel a lot, and I get some offers. And sometimes I’m tempted. but I don’t do it — because it would just be there, somehow, subtly, in the field between me and my wife. Maybe it is a gender thing. Maybe women are generally less able to have it be not a big deal — if they do it, I mean. But she just wouldn’t understand it that way, if I did it; she just wouldn’t. And I wouldn’ t put her — and us — through that. that’s the real reason.

  159. What about us fortunate souls who have a woman that loves sex with their husbands? I’d never met woman who could match my needs/wants/desires/fantasies before my wife. She craves me and doesn’t just keep up, she exceeds me, which thrills me to the core. Not just lip service, either. I get all I need and then some in not just the purely physical sense, but mentally, emotionally and even spiritually, despite our different spiritual preferences. Luck doesn’t being to describe what I have found. I do hope everyone finds and revels in the type of happiness I’ve stumbled upon.

    • @Doug..

      You are indeed a fortunate soul.

      Few people are able to realize this type of joy and happiness. I would trade a seven figure net worth for such joy and happiness.

  160. I never even thought of cheating. I fell in love with the women I married and remain in love.”Cheating” is generally connected to sexual activity with another woman, other than your wife. My relationship with my wife of 38 years is not solely based on sex, our relationship is far more involved than just that. Accordingly, if I were to cheat, I have the potential of losing far more then just a sexual partner, I lose my best friend, my soul mate. Besides, I made a life long commitment to het when we took our marriage vows. Those vows were made in front of God and blessed by God. Besides, a women who would have an affair with a married man has questionable values, values that don’t match my own.

  161. Because a commitment means something. It means giving something (sex with others) in exchange for a bond. That you give something up is what makes the commitment worth something.

    • @DLZ…

      What if you are giving sex in exchange for sex? Specifically I am referring to an FWB arrangement.

      Where does commitment enter? I say it does not at all.

      Just asking.

      • An FWB arrangement doesn’t really constitute “commitment” of any kind (hence me calling it an ‘arrangement’ and not a ‘relationship’).

        Commitment really only comes into play when the involved parties have previously agreed to exclusivity. If there’s no expectation of exclusivity, there’s no cheating, simple as that.

  162. I don’t cheat because I have regular and amazing sex with my very sexy beloved. Although it has to be said that if this wasn’t the case, I’d break up rather than cheat. I wouldn’t want to dishonour myself in that way.

    • @CmE..

      Good man and a very lucky man too!

      Most married men are not getting regular and amazing sex from their wives. Only the few and the proud.

  163. We choose not to be monogamous; he doesn’t cheat because he knows he can be honest. Non-monogamous people can be and are faithful. Cheating is about deception, not about how many partners you have. Also, “cheating” is not the same for everyone. I am not perturbed if my partner has sex with someone else, but if he engaged in an intimate domestic ritual of ours with someone else, I’d be devastated.

    And yes, I understand that the point of this is supposed to be to show that men do have self-control and aren’t walking erections.

    • How is sex not an intimate domestic ritual? To me, the thought of my partner caressing and kissing and making dirty talk ti and snuggling with to another woman makes me feel physically ill – I’m not sure I could ever want to have sex with him again if he betrayed me that way.

  164. We can sit and describe all day long why we personally wouldnt cheat on a wife, but there is difference, in my opinion, when we are talking about high profile males or leaders. I believe the challenge is greater when we are talking about anyone who in the midst of the spotlight is attracting those women who dont care if you are married or have children.
    If women are enamored in you because you are President of the United States ( you know who) or a Popular Senator running for President, or even a now famous retired general and ex CIA Director, what does a man do? It requires more backbone, more value in himself and those who love him, more bigger integrity and having the strength in knowing the wisest ……is just saying no.
    When a man cheats, he cheats himself, he lessens the quality within his heart and in his soul. He loses himself to another who thinks less of him that he would even follow through.

  165. I suppose it depends on what a man’s inner beliefs are…if he has any…

    My husband was brought up in a Reform Jewish household and around many women in his family….his family was quite liberal but principled…I admire him for his sense of moral obligation and duty….many things for him are a strict no-no and I love him for that….too many times I see other people breaking rules or trying to sneak around when they think no one is looking…

    To each his own….he is not perfect, by any means, but he has never cheated….nor do I think he ever will…that to him would be a violation of a vow…

    • My inner belief is that both people has to take equal shares of responsibility for a functional relationship.

      • wellokaythen says:

        And, it’s also a question of commitment to one’s beliefs. Are we expecting everyone to live consistently with their ideals at every moment in time? Quite a high standard to set for anyone. If a man cheats, does that mean he doesn’t really believe in monogamy, doesn’t believe in it enough, or is there something else besides belief going on?

  166. When the topic is monogamy between two people, the ones who believe in it and practice it because they like it and want to, often do seem to be accused of lying, of denying evolutionary biology, of being faithful only because society forces them to. Typically, those who do not believe in monogamy use the words “honest”, “mature” and “secure” to describe themselves. In other words, everything that individuals who appreciate monogamy are not.

    • wellokaythen says:

      I don’t understand how anyone can say that monogamy is perfectly natural or perfectly unnatural. It’s obviously possible for some people. Some people practice it and seem to be happy with it, and others try it and are not happy. Others have other kinds of relationships, and some of those people are happy and some are not. In some cases, there’s something wrong with the institution itself, and in some cases the people just aren’t doing it right.

      Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, and being difficult doesn’t mean that it’s contrary to evolutionary programming (as if natural selection actually “programs” anything, but that’s another matter). The fact is, if people do something and it works for them, then we can hardly say that nature is against it. If people do it, it’s natural for people to do it. How can something “unnatural” actually exist?

      If by “monogamy” we mean only being attracted to one person at a time, having no sexual feeling for anyone else whatsoever, then yes, monogamy is pretty much impossible for most people. If you’re depressed by the idea that your husband may in his mind find other women attractive, then maybe you shouldn’t be married in the first place — what you want is a very rare bird and a very rare relationship. But, if we define monogamy in terms of behavior, then sure, it’s much more possible to do. You can be happily monogamous without thinking or feeling monogamous at all times.

  167. Luke Everett says:

    Cheating is like divorce, divorce is like suicide, it’s selfless! All about the one who did it with no thought to the effect on everyone else. And like many said in this article, I won’t cheat because; I love my wife (even after she had a life changing, physical altering, brain hemorrhage and two strokes), she’s still my wife, I made a promise to her 28 years ago, “I promise to ALWAYS love you”. Many times when we marry and we say” I promise to love you in sickness and health”, we’re thinking of a cold, flu, pimple, not a life altering illness. “I promise to love you always”! I won’t cheat on my wife because; besides the fact I love her deeply, it would break my sons hearts, I will let down thousands of people who know me and what I do, many of them are young people, I would let down my staff and those who look up to me and work with me, but most of all How could I do this thing and sin against a Holy and pure God?

    • wellokaythen says:

      If that works for you, then don’t let go of that way of seeing things.

      I can tell you from firsthand experience, however, that a cheating person does not necessarily give no thought to other people. Not every affair is completely, absolutely callous and totally selfish. It sure seems that way to someone on the outside, but that hardly describes everything that goes on inside the affair. If we could just reduce infidelity down to selfishness, then the world looks really simple. On the other hand, if affairs are just caused by simple selfishness, there would be even more of them. Affairs come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. They are all wrong, but they’re motivated by different things, and they’re wrong in various ways.

      If the reasons for being faithful are largely external (don’t want to hurt other people, don’t want to let my community down, don’t want to be branded as an adulterer, don’t want to get dragged through an ugly divorce etc.), that may not be enough to deter someone who feels very tempted. Another danger with being too defined by other people is that it makes an affair seem at the time like an act of rebellion or independence.

  168. Finally, the other side of the story. The infidelity-obsessed media is really getting on my last nerve.

  169. I’ll add one more reason. It’s the surest way to crush your kids, lose their respect, and become a part-time dad.

  170. Some men are just wired differently than others. I just saw two men very close to me get into a heated argument about this. One simply didn’t want to do anything with other woman given any opportunity, the other wanted to have sex with every attractive woman he could. They both thought the other was crazy and tried to impose their views on each other.

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      Here’s the thing – not everyone is wired for monogamy, but if you’re in a a poly relationship, you’re still committed. Lying, keeping secrets and sharing intimacy beyond the bounds of your commitment to your partner – even if it’s a poly relationship – is cheating.

      • I did not cheat because:

        1) I loved my ex wife
        2) I respected my marriage and my vows to my ex wife, myself, and God
        3) I did not wish to commit adultery.

        When married an individual’s dedication to loyalty and commitment is like their dedication to other things in life. Some people are more determined and disciplined than others. I was just disciplined enough to honor my vows until the end.

      • The problem is that a lot of us weren’t raised in a culture where any type of poly lifestyle was socially acceptable, much less even an OPTION. We didn’t even know that you could actually have an honest, open, committed poly relationship. It’s still not very acceptable, and a difficult topic to address when entering a relationship. Secrets and lying seemed like the only options for a long time. On the other side, nowadays a lot of people in favor of some sort of poly lifestyle accuse monogamous people of lying to themselves and others and being suppressed in some way–when some people are simply happy being monogamous.

        • @Aya…

          While I certainly understand that a person can love and be in love romantically with more than one person, I just really do not get the point of poly. What I struggle with is this notion of a committed primary partner but yet you are free to be with other people. Seems to make a mockery of the committed piece. I know it is open and consensual. Which makes it all the more baffling. Why bother? Why not have an FWB with everyone?

          It seems as if you remove sex from the equation, then their is no real desire for poly. No? So, at the heart of this IS sex too. Which again I ask, why bother with the committed piece if the motivation for seeing others is largely sex?

          I actually do believe in polygamy. Just as gay marriage is now legal and respected in some states, I believe polygamy should be legal as well. With polygamy, you have formal relationships often with religious underpinnings. There is none of this seeing and having sex with other people outside of the committed relationship (marriage). Hence, the commitment is genuine. Under the poly relationship you are espousing, the commitment just seems flimsy and self serving.

          It’s not for me. But, if it works for you and others by all means proceed. I like my FWB without any kind of commitment. When the women have had enough of me, they are free to go. I will just find a new partner.

          It just seems to me that what ACTUALLY occurs in life is either serial marriage, serial relationships, and/or serial dating or some combinations. The bottom line is none of these things is of permanent duration for most people.

          So, to me I asked myself: why should I subject myself to all the emotional and psychological torment? Does it make me grow and develop as a person or does it retard my growth? I have concluded that it is negative and offers very little in the way of personal growth. Hence, I sought alternatives.

          • Thank you for responding, Jules. Why bother, you ask? I’m a romantic at heart. Some people just are. I love the connection. Having allies and a partner/partners. I love loving and being loved. The emotional and practical benefits of relationships and friendships. But sometimes, there will be sexual interests outside of a monogamous relationship. Maybe this will include several primary relationships. Maybe it will be one on one, but with a little room to stray (as long as he/she doesn’t abandon the person to whom he/she made a commitment). And there will be jealousy and fighting, of course–but isn’t there jealousy and fighting in every relationship? Sometimes a bit of leeway allows for a better chance of permanence. Not always. But sometimes. I’m still not entirely sure as to where I stand. But I’m trying to figure it out.

            • @Aya…

              I understand and respect your perspectives on poly.

              Our views on life often change with experience. Experience sometimes gives us a different take on life. I cannot go the poly route as it is just not for me. While I was once a strict believer in monogamy, I am now a non believer in anything committed.

              Best of luck to you.

          • @Jules Thank you for broaching the subject of polygamy, which gets such an undeservedly misogynist rap due to the radical stories which have colored the headlines I suppose.

            Probably some unfortunate souls do still live in inbred and abusive situations, who knows, though there are others of us than that, and any list of sexually perverted horrors which names bigamy in the same sentence as bestiality is an excellent illustration of a radically uninformed point of view .

            Muslim polygamists currently practice in open civil disobedience in many communities in America (for example) which often lack sufficient fit men because of over-incarceration for non-dangerous drug crimes. Free good fathers are reproducing rapidly with willing women, raising a strong generation in big loving homes, following the doctrine of the Prophet, whose words were so similar to the Buddha’s and the Christ’s; fine examples .

            The Old Testament Fathers practiced polygamy, as well they should have, having been such excellent leaders and providers. Krishna had 16,000 wives. Millions lived communally in the 60’s. More recently we have the polyamory movement, which seems to be so reluctant to be at all associated with any man with 2+ wives even if all they want is the One Dick for the rest of their lives.

            It’s not criminal to fuck or make babies with more than one woman in America (nor to try to emulate God). Yet our system discourages spiritual unions, and many unwed mothers raise children alone. Call my spiritual brides mistresses, baby mamas, whatever you like. But the separation of church and state was definitely meant to encompass the goings-on in our temple, that is to say home.

            Respect that / my harem bastards and i / prefer tribe.

            It ain’t pre-teen trafficking, nor coercion, we’re consenting adults. Committed to cornerstone-of-society freakin shit y’all. Why be jealous when one’s love loves another?
            When it’s so much better to be close.

            Americans are spiritually autonomous, free to pursue our happiness; We The People may do whom we choose.

            And hey, as you said, if one favors gay marriage why not this?

        • I think it is natural to want to be attracted to/want to have sex with a variety of people. That’s human nature. I kind of disagree that being poly is a “sexual orientation” because I think that is just an effort to use an impressive sounding label to legitimize a normal human drive. All people get hungry and some will overeat and some don’t. Some people have eating disorders. Most people obsess at least a little about their weight and their diet. Some have a completely healthy attitude toward food (I’d argue they are few!) So sex is the same kind of drive but even more complicated because while it is relatively easy to define over eating (it makes you fat) it is difficult to define a bright line between healthy sexing and over sexing. That line is different for everyone I suppose. Well, if you are religious there is a bright line but it is murky for the rest of us.

          • @Sarah…

            I am with you. While I do not wish to cast any judgement on the poly folks, I just view their arguments as flimsy and self serving.

            I know we as humans do have the capacity to love more than one person romantically at a time. Yes, this does exist. However, if you were to remove sex from the poly lifestyle, I think it would disappear. So, the motivation is not love and romance. But rather it is SEX.

            So, to me the poly life style is simply an argument for having sex with other people while being in a committed relationship. It’s like an open marriage with trust and consent. But at its core is SEX and not love.

            Anyhow, whatever makes people happy I guess. It’s their business.

            • That’s funny to hear, because I often wonder the same thing about monogamy. As in, remove sex from the monogamous lifestyle, and how many people would still be getting married?

              Would there still be love? or romance?

              Seems to me people would end up living/committing to their best friends instead and live out their days with those folks. After all, why limit yourself to only one best friend when you could have many? Maybe everyone would organize into tight little friend clusters and effectively end up living in poly relationships!

              Of course these thought experiments don’t do very much good because few of us can imagine a life without a sexdrive, let alone a species without one.

              • @Dan….

                “That’s funny to hear, because I often wonder the same thing about monogamy. As in, remove sex from the monogamous lifestyle, and how many people would still be getting married?”

                Nearly one third of all marriages are sexless (fewer than 10 times per year). Also, I can tell you as a divorced man that sex sucks in marriage. Yet, many of these marriages endure for many many years. Why? Because of love, vows, kids, loyalty, etc.

                You don’t get married to have sex. I can tell you that from experience.

                • Yes, but most people do not enter marriages anticipating it will be sexless. That’s an unintended and undesired eventuality.

                  People will often stay married because getting a divorce can be a very messy and traumatic experience. They may also feel it’s better for the kids or for their social standing or their bank balance or something else, while supplementing the relationship with sex on the side. There are many reasons why people may stay together that has nothing to do with romance or love.

            • I think normal monogamous relationships are just as much about sex as poly ones are. Get rid of sex and those relationships would cease to exist too.

        • wellokaythen says:

          When talking about what goes on in someone’s marriage, especially their sexual relationship, the best you can say is “as far as I know.” For example, “as far as I know he’s never cheated.” Even within your own marriage, you can never know with absolute objective certainty, only with some faith and trust.

  171. Let’s be realistic, folks: I think you’re lying to yourself when you say you’re not attracted to other women. We all have that inner urge because we’re human. Our loyalty and commitment may far outweigh that urge, but that doesn’t make the urge go away. It’s important to acknowledge that urge so it never gets the best of you.

    • I’m not lying. I only can have sexual and romantic attraction with woman I have emotional connection with. And that’s my girlfriend. Every men are different, like every women are different. I’m not like you, fine. But don’t assume other men are lying if they are different from you.

      • @John:
        “I only can have sexual and romantic attraction with woman I have emotional connection with.”

        Me too. Although I didn’t know that until I’d tried it.

        • For John and FlyingKal,

          Have you used (and/or do you use) porn? If no, was it due to the lack of romantic/emotional connection? If yes, do you find the actors attractive? How do you view the experience of using porn?

          I mean this completely snark-free, I’m just really interested in your perspectives.

    • @Jim
      I can honestly say that I am not attracted to any other woman other than my wife and that is the honest truth. There is a distinction to be made between seeing someone as attractive and being attracted to them. I recognize that there are attractive women out there and I see them as such, however, I am in no way attracted to them and fantasize about being with them. There is no inner “urge” that I have towards other women. That urge is for my wife and her only.

  172. I dont want to cheat because i dont want to. I’m not attracted to other women, simple.

  173. A lot of these responses suggest that men do want to cheat but don’t because of reason x, y, z…

    What about the simple reason that they don’t want to cheat? Full stop. No other reasons required.

  174. shane gerzon-kessler says:

    I cheated repeatedly on my first wife. I have never cheated on the 2nd. Within those lines. I know the exact reasons why men cheat and why they don’t. I thank God I found her.

  175. Ashley Untrauer says:

    What are some of the things that made you cheat? And what does the second one do for you that the first one didn’t?

  176. The reason I fell into a relationship with another man was due to lack of emotional intimacy. I received caring, compliments, sharing from a deeper level and affection. I Have been married 30 years. The most common statement I see women writing on blogs is ” I never thought I would do this “. My husband and I are working on our relationship. I woke up inside from going thru this for 2 years. I realized how much less I settled for in my marriage. I also am being truthful with myself on what I won’t live without.

  177. It’s interesting that when men cheat the response is often, ‘well, he’s a man’ but when women cheat it’s more ‘I never thought she could do this’. That difference is interesting. For me, I see cheating as a human response to needs not being met. I also see a relationship as a dynamic, so that if one or both partners’ needs are not being met, both partners’ are partly responsible for that. It’s not possible to blame one or the other person. A relationship is to dynamic to simply blame like that. That’s why effective communication is so important. And then, if it still doesn’t work, ending the relationship rather than having an affair. But, I think affairs will happen. Because of our basic humanity…

  178. Denis Stone says:

    A relationships takes two, and is the responsibility of both. Cheating is a choice one makes, and when a person decides to cheat he/she is the only one responsible for it.

  179. Ive been cheated on and it messed me up. I would never want some i let into my life feel that way. If i feel like i want someone else then we shouldnt be together. Call me old fashion but i respect women. I was raised better than to be a dog. My parents have been together 26years and still go on dates and are crazy about eachother. I think the way your dad treats your mom has a big part on how you treat the ladies.

  180. Trevor, I am sorry you had to go through that, and I applaud you for not turning the other way for revenge against all women, but as you say, still respect them. As a female myself, I have been cheated on many times in relationships, while I gave myself whole-heartedly. It is hard not to lose faith in being able to choose and find someone who holds the same values as I do. I agree about your comment on how one learns from how your dad treats your mom, and I dream continuously about what your parents have… !!

  181. I feel this way when you ask a woman to marry you and she says yes, she gives up her name to take yours, she has your kids and her body suffers for it, she may even give up a career cause she will be busy taking care the kids. the way I see it she stands to give up the most in order to be with you, that is a hell of a sacrifice and at the very least to cheat on her is a disgrace to the family you create with her and the commitment she made to you, If you are married that is what you should think of first and foremost, what she has given up for you, otherwise don’t get married.

  182. YES, Chris !!!!
    Wish I had found a man who believes in that!

  183. It’s so refreshing to hear a man who still acknowledges that women make sacrifices for marriage and parenting, just like they do. It seems like all you hear today is men bitching about how women have it so easy and have too much power, and we conspire to deny them what they are entitled to and scheme to ruin them by taking their kids and all their money. But you’re right — far too many people who get married today shouldn’t. They’re about #1 and don’t have the capacity to put others before themselves.

  184. I don’t cheat because I have no desire to, my partner and I take care of each others needs, and try to communicate those needs clearly and without games. We made a pact in the begining that if ever we felt that things were not working that we would have the decency to tell the other before we acted on any emotional or physical replacement I guess you could say. We also agreed that we would never use sex as a way to punish each other for argumeents or disagreements. We also try as best we can with 4 kids ranging from 2months to 13 years, to not let our appearance or higene lapse, or get complacent about our need for each others affection, we also realize thatvthere is more to it than sex, knowing that she has my back emotionaly as well as physicaly, makes the idea of cheating sound real stupid. Really at the end of the day if you feelbthe urge to cheat, you do not belong in a relationship in the first place, and if you cheat on someone you do not love them. You may have a need filled by them, but you do not love them, and for every man and woman out there if someone cheats on you they do not respect ,care about or love you in any way……never forgive a cheater, respect will not follow that act, your weakness in forgiving a cheater will result in more cheating………..

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