31 Reasons Why Men Don’t Cheat

 

With the news of late full of General Petraeus and other men who’ve had affairs, there’s a lot of talk about what makes men cheat.

Pat Robertson said, “I mean, he’s a man”, and the world seems to agree: Men cheat because they’re men.

But wait a minute… We here at The Good Men Project know a lot of guys who don’t cheat—guys who are committed to being faithful to their partners. And knowing all these good guys, we certainly do not support the notion that masculinity=infidelity.

And so, as a response to The Huffington Post’s “Why Do Men Cheat: 26 Reasons Guys Cheat, According to Men“, we offer you 31 reasons men do NOT cheat, from men and those who love them.

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First, GMP founder Tom Matlack explains why he doesn’t cheat:

I honestly think my wife is the most beautiful woman on the planet.

From Todd Mauldin, writer and Bluesman:

I don’t cheat for 3 reasons:

1. I really, really love my wife.
2. I respect myself too much to break my vows.
3. Cheating looks like way too much goddamn work.

David and Shanel – Jan Garcia Photography, Los Angeles

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And here’s what we learned from our Twitter followers:

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SPC. Brian Nieves, and his wife Erin. Brian is currently serving in Afghanistan.

And our Marriage Editor, Gint Aras offers us a number of reasons why:

1.) My wife doesn’t give me any reason. I have no interest in cheating on her. Whatever problem I might have, I’m aware, would only become worse, as I grew up in a house of infidelity.

My wife is not sexually possessive of me in the least. I have told her many of my sex fantasies, even the most idiotic ones. If Eva Green or Scarlett Johanson seduced me, enamored simply because of my looks or charm, demanded a one night stand of no-strings-attached sex in some swank hotel, the first person I would tell afterwards would be my wife. She would almost certainly celebrate this crazy experience and demand to know all the details. It would probably make her horny, and we’d have the best sex of our marriage. She’d announce it on Facebook, “Gint laid Scarlett!” No one would believe her. Scarlett would deny it.

(Scarlett and/or Eva, if you happen across this article and get turned on, please e-mail me. Discretion guaranteed.)

2.) My father cheated on my mother and I don’t want to “become him”. I have children of my own now. I know what damage it does to a kid’s self-esteem. It’s an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a child’s need for security and trust.

3.) Here’s a shocker. I love my wife enormously. I worry about her daily. My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs. I want my wife to have time to develop her musical career, and I don’t want her to feel that her primary role in the marriage is to fuss and fret over my every need, whatever it is. She gave birth to my children, and she does an amazing job raising them. Our little boy is still an infant, and the late nights exhaust her. The best gift I can often give is time for her to rest, and I feel I never give her enough.

4.) Let’s pretend I got so horny that I couldn’t handle it anymore and, rejected for the thousandth time by my wife, I found myself wanting a sex partner. Where the hell would I find one? I have two children and work daily. During my free time, I scramble to get writing done. What should I do? Ask women at work if they’re interested in an affair? That’s an inevitable cycle of rejections, and I get enough of that from querying agents and editors.

Even if the solution were an AdultFriendFinder account, I’d have no time to meet with this Adult Friend. And if I did meet with her, I’d probably be too exhausted for anything besides a quickie. Also, I would demand a clean bill of health, very recent notes from at least two doctors. Quite frankly, a Fleshlight is more attractive than this.

5.) I don’t find it empowering. Unless you find a married woman who must also hide the affair from her husband, you give away enormous leverage. A single woman, as we see again and again, can blackmail a married man, and if she has anything to gain financially, she’d be a fool not to. Now…a married woman who wants an affair? Really? With me? What a wackjob.

From Blogger and GMP contributor Atalwin Pilon:

I thought I did not cheat because it was the honorable thing to do but I learned that the other side is also true: I fear being a jerk, I fear losing love, I fear the shame and I fear the guilt. I used to think that my faithfulness was a cool thing but I now sometimes think that my inability to cheat is a weakness. I want to be faithful out of love, not because I simply dont have the courage to pick the forbidden fruit. But working on it.

Rip Wallace says:

Because it is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.

Shawn Peters adds:

I don’t cheat because even on the worst days, when our connection feels frayed and our rhythms are off and everything we say is abrasive and misconstrued, I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change everything, and that’s not what I want.

And finally, some wisdom from Michael Taylor:

The media generated perception is that men are incapable of being monogamous. The truth is that all men are capable of monogamy if they choose.

I choose to be monogamous because I took the time to discover the emotional and psychological issues that kept me from experiencing deep levels of intimacy with a woman. As a result of my “inner work” I am now able to experience deep levels of trust, intimacy and connection with my wife.

Nothing is more important to me than sharing my life with the woman who is absolutely perfect for me. Our relationship is perfect as a result of it’s imperfections and I love the emotional security that comes from knowing that my wife is deeply devoted to me and our marriage.

In answer to the question “why I don’t cheat” it’s really simple, I authentically love my wife and have developed a partnership that fulfills me in every way imaginable.

Contrary to popular belief I believe most men would like to have a loving, caring, rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Too many men simply aren’t willing to learn how to do so.

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Read also: How the Myth That Men Fear Intimacy Contributes to the Disposability of Men and Boys

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    once a cheater always a cheater…. anyone that says different is a cheater… im divorced and never cheated. now I play the field…will never marry again because I know I would cheat!! always!!! girls dont fall for us assholes!!

    • Glenn Wilder says:

      Just ran across this article now…but the topic and everyone’s comments are timeless, aren’t they? So, I don’t cheat because I know how bad it sucks to find out from your kid that your wife is cheating on you. And then she tells you that she’s serious about the guy, and not going to give it up. We worked through the issues, and we’re still married, but it’s never been the same. I do emotionally still love her, but it’s never been the same…I have just lost all interest in sex, period.

  2. I don’t cheat not just because I couldn’t see the disappointment on her face when she finds out, but because I couldn’t stand seeing my face in the mirror after I did.

  3. I don’t do it because I love my wife, because I believe our relationship and the bond we have is worth more than the sex anyone else can offer, because I don’t feel enslaved by my own sexuality. Because my wife caused a landslide in my emotional landscape. There are dozens of other noble reasons, from self- or socially imposed ethics to law (because I’m married).

    But let’s raise the stakes a little. This is the GMP after all!
    What are my personal, powerless, vulnerable reasons? What other reasons do I have that don’t put me in the spotlight as exemplary man of self control and social standards?

    1) Because of intimacy. I destroyed the fake tan and macho sexuality taught by society within myself, the sexuality that teaches us to f**k first and think later. After that, I realized I have a barrier before I can be intimate with someone. I learned to breach the barrier well enough, but it takes a conscious, voluntary action on my side.

    2) Because I don’t get a lot of offers. There’s no bus of women throwing themselves at me the moment I step out of the office. I don’t have to battle my way to my car, shoe in hand. I’m not ashamed about my looks but I’m not Michelangelo’s David. I have a nice career but I don’t drive a Ferrari. I won’t attract a mass of women based on looks or wealth. The women I do attract are too rational or reserved to line up for me or trick me. Even in the most tempting offer I got, she clearly waited for me to make a conscious choice before anything happened. I never got around telling her how much I appreciated that about her, in spite of declining the offer.

    3) Because I wouldn’t know how to manage it logistically. My life is so entwined with my family that I wouldn’t know where or how to get around doing this.

    4) Because I learned from experience. I never made that mistake, but attraction ‘happened’ in past relationships. Every single time it happened, I questioned myself and discovered I could trace it to an unspoken unhappiness… something wrong with my relationship or myself. Now, when it happens, I get an instinctive reflective reaction. That said.. it hasn’t happened since I married.

    Of course, I could claim many noble reasons and probably would never be proven false. But there’s also far more personal, powerless reasons and I’m tired of hiding them behind social norms.

  4. I believe the underlying factor is maturity.

    Of all the possible ‘reasons’ why someone would cheat, the mature person isn’t interested in any of them. For most mature people, cheating doesn’t even enter into their consciousness. Their maturity affords them the ability to recognize that whatever problems there are in the relationship, they aren’t solved by cheating but by being dedicated to the relationship, to their own personal happiness and to do all the work necessary to remove the barriers to a rewarding, fulfilling and satisfying relationship. They rarely play the blame game but continually demonstrate (through actions, behaviours, words, etc.) the desire to work through any and all obstacles. They also have an ability to think about the well-being of others and take into consideration how their actions affect those they love (their spouse, their children, etc.).

    An immature person, on the other hand, has difficulty with accountability and ownership of problems resulting in them projecting their unhappiness onto their spouse or the situation or whatever else, other then placing the responsibility where it lies…on themselves. They also have difficulty communicating maturely and effectively and there is often confidence/insecurity issues at play. Ultimately, they don’t have the ability to do the work necessary to overcome the issues and so give into the desire to cheat, having convinced themselves that their spouse is the problem and they somehow deserve it and are entitled to it. Also, an immature person doesn’t think of how their actions affect others and are more apt to be self-centered and focused on their own needs and desires, dismissing the needs, desires and well-being of others (their spouse and children, etc.).

    When two mature people enter into a relationship, nothing can stop them from cultivating a deeply loving, fulfilling and satisfying relationship. But when even one person is immature, nothing can transcend the relationship to the fulfilling heights that two mature people can achieve; sadly, the relationship is often doomed to failure.

  5. Fred in AZ says:

    I was stuck in a bad long term marriage-like relationship with my ex-partner. I will spare the details. To shorten a long story- I suspect she has a borderline personality.

    I was presented with offers, and I didn’t cheat. I didn’t cheat, because I didn’t want to expose another person to the horrid drama. After the numerous indignities and abuse, I couldn’t care about the feelings of my ex. However, even some barfly didn’t need to be drawn into that

  6. So much foolishness in this article. As a woman who’s had a 2 year sexual relationship with one of you “great guys” I know you cheat. It’s obvious all these men are at least thinking about cheating and severely sex starved in their relationships. Oh and the single girl using it as leverage to get money line is hilarious. I enjoy the sex. Why would I ruin a good thing for money!? Gifts and treats and power are so much more appealing.

  7. If you’ve found the right woman, cheating shouldn’t even be a consideration, and if you’re part of the elite gentleman’s club, you should have enough respect for yourself and your promises to not cheat…period. Even if your relationship is feeling a little rocky. Be a man. Be faithful.

  8. shane gerzon-kessler says:

    I cheated repeatedly on my first wife. I have never cheated on the 2nd. Within those lines. I know the exact reasons why men cheat and why they don’t. I thank God I found her.

  9. Ashley Untrauer says:

    What are some of the things that made you cheat? And what does the second one do for you that the first one didn’t?

  10. The reason I fell into a relationship with another man was due to lack of emotional intimacy. I received caring, compliments, sharing from a deeper level and affection. I Have been married 30 years. The most common statement I see women writing on blogs is ” I never thought I would do this “. My husband and I are working on our relationship. I woke up inside from going thru this for 2 years. I realized how much less I settled for in my marriage. I also am being truthful with myself on what I won’t live without.

  11. Ive been cheated on and it messed me up. I would never want some i let into my life feel that way. If i feel like i want someone else then we shouldnt be together. Call me old fashion but i respect women. I was raised better than to be a dog. My parents have been together 26years and still go on dates and are crazy about eachother. I think the way your dad treats your mom has a big part on how you treat the ladies.

  12. I feel this way when you ask a woman to marry you and she says yes, she gives up her name to take yours, she has your kids and her body suffers for it, she may even give up a career cause she will be busy taking care the kids. the way I see it she stands to give up the most in order to be with you, that is a hell of a sacrifice and at the very least to cheat on her is a disgrace to the family you create with her and the commitment she made to you, If you are married that is what you should think of first and foremost, what she has given up for you, otherwise don’t get married.

  13. Trevor, I am sorry you had to go through that, and I applaud you for not turning the other way for revenge against all women, but as you say, still respect them. As a female myself, I have been cheated on many times in relationships, while I gave myself whole-heartedly. It is hard not to lose faith in being able to choose and find someone who holds the same values as I do. I agree about your comment on how one learns from how your dad treats your mom, and I dream continuously about what your parents have… !!

  14. YES, Chris !!!!
    Wish I had found a man who believes in that!

  15. It’s interesting that when men cheat the response is often, ‘well, he’s a man’ but when women cheat it’s more ‘I never thought she could do this’. That difference is interesting. For me, I see cheating as a human response to needs not being met. I also see a relationship as a dynamic, so that if one or both partners’ needs are not being met, both partners’ are partly responsible for that. It’s not possible to blame one or the other person. A relationship is to dynamic to simply blame like that. That’s why effective communication is so important. And then, if it still doesn’t work, ending the relationship rather than having an affair. But, I think affairs will happen. Because of our basic humanity…

  16. Denis Stone says:

    A relationships takes two, and is the responsibility of both. Cheating is a choice one makes, and when a person decides to cheat he/she is the only one responsible for it.

  17. I don’t cheat because I have no desire to, my partner and I take care of each others needs, and try to communicate those needs clearly and without games. We made a pact in the begining that if ever we felt that things were not working that we would have the decency to tell the other before we acted on any emotional or physical replacement I guess you could say. We also agreed that we would never use sex as a way to punish each other for argumeents or disagreements. We also try as best we can with 4 kids ranging from 2months to 13 years, to not let our appearance or higene lapse, or get complacent about our need for each others affection, we also realize thatvthere is more to it than sex, knowing that she has my back emotionaly as well as physicaly, makes the idea of cheating sound real stupid. Really at the end of the day if you feelbthe urge to cheat, you do not belong in a relationship in the first place, and if you cheat on someone you do not love them. You may have a need filled by them, but you do not love them, and for every man and woman out there if someone cheats on you they do not respect ,care about or love you in any way……never forgive a cheater, respect will not follow that act, your weakness in forgiving a cheater will result in more cheating………..

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