31 Reasons Why Men Don’t Cheat

 

With the news of late full of General Petraeus and other men who’ve had affairs, there’s a lot of talk about what makes men cheat.

Pat Robertson said, “I mean, he’s a man”, and the world seems to agree: Men cheat because they’re men.

But wait a minute… We here at The Good Men Project know a lot of guys who don’t cheat—guys who are committed to being faithful to their partners. And knowing all these good guys, we certainly do not support the notion that masculinity=infidelity.

And so, as a response to The Huffington Post’s “Why Do Men Cheat: 26 Reasons Guys Cheat, According to Men“, we offer you 31 reasons men do NOT cheat, from men and those who love them.

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First, GMP founder Tom Matlack explains why he doesn’t cheat:

I honestly think my wife is the most beautiful woman on the planet.

From Todd Mauldin, writer and Bluesman:

I don’t cheat for 3 reasons:

1. I really, really love my wife.
2. I respect myself too much to break my vows.
3. Cheating looks like way too much goddamn work.

David and Shanel – Jan Garcia Photography, Los Angeles

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And here’s what we learned from our Twitter followers:

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SPC. Brian Nieves, and his wife Erin. Brian is currently serving in Afghanistan.

And our Marriage Editor, Gint Aras offers us a number of reasons why:

1.) My wife doesn’t give me any reason. I have no interest in cheating on her. Whatever problem I might have, I’m aware, would only become worse, as I grew up in a house of infidelity.

My wife is not sexually possessive of me in the least. I have told her many of my sex fantasies, even the most idiotic ones. If Eva Green or Scarlett Johanson seduced me, enamored simply because of my looks or charm, demanded a one night stand of no-strings-attached sex in some swank hotel, the first person I would tell afterwards would be my wife. She would almost certainly celebrate this crazy experience and demand to know all the details. It would probably make her horny, and we’d have the best sex of our marriage. She’d announce it on Facebook, “Gint laid Scarlett!” No one would believe her. Scarlett would deny it.

(Scarlett and/or Eva, if you happen across this article and get turned on, please e-mail me. Discretion guaranteed.)

2.) My father cheated on my mother and I don’t want to “become him”. I have children of my own now. I know what damage it does to a kid’s self-esteem. It’s an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a child’s need for security and trust.

3.) Here’s a shocker. I love my wife enormously. I worry about her daily. My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs. I want my wife to have time to develop her musical career, and I don’t want her to feel that her primary role in the marriage is to fuss and fret over my every need, whatever it is. She gave birth to my children, and she does an amazing job raising them. Our little boy is still an infant, and the late nights exhaust her. The best gift I can often give is time for her to rest, and I feel I never give her enough.

4.) Let’s pretend I got so horny that I couldn’t handle it anymore and, rejected for the thousandth time by my wife, I found myself wanting a sex partner. Where the hell would I find one? I have two children and work daily. During my free time, I scramble to get writing done. What should I do? Ask women at work if they’re interested in an affair? That’s an inevitable cycle of rejections, and I get enough of that from querying agents and editors.

Even if the solution were an AdultFriendFinder account, I’d have no time to meet with this Adult Friend. And if I did meet with her, I’d probably be too exhausted for anything besides a quickie. Also, I would demand a clean bill of health, very recent notes from at least two doctors. Quite frankly, a Fleshlight is more attractive than this.

5.) I don’t find it empowering. Unless you find a married woman who must also hide the affair from her husband, you give away enormous leverage. A single woman, as we see again and again, can blackmail a married man, and if she has anything to gain financially, she’d be a fool not to. Now…a married woman who wants an affair? Really? With me? What a wackjob.

From Blogger and GMP contributor Atalwin Pilon:

I thought I did not cheat because it was the honorable thing to do but I learned that the other side is also true: I fear being a jerk, I fear losing love, I fear the shame and I fear the guilt. I used to think that my faithfulness was a cool thing but I now sometimes think that my inability to cheat is a weakness. I want to be faithful out of love, not because I simply dont have the courage to pick the forbidden fruit. But working on it.

Rip Wallace says:

Because it is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.

Shawn Peters adds:

I don’t cheat because even on the worst days, when our connection feels frayed and our rhythms are off and everything we say is abrasive and misconstrued, I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change everything, and that’s not what I want.

And finally, some wisdom from Michael Taylor:

The media generated perception is that men are incapable of being monogamous. The truth is that all men are capable of monogamy if they choose.

I choose to be monogamous because I took the time to discover the emotional and psychological issues that kept me from experiencing deep levels of intimacy with a woman. As a result of my “inner work” I am now able to experience deep levels of trust, intimacy and connection with my wife.

Nothing is more important to me than sharing my life with the woman who is absolutely perfect for me. Our relationship is perfect as a result of it’s imperfections and I love the emotional security that comes from knowing that my wife is deeply devoted to me and our marriage.

In answer to the question “why I don’t cheat” it’s really simple, I authentically love my wife and have developed a partnership that fulfills me in every way imaginable.

Contrary to popular belief I believe most men would like to have a loving, caring, rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Too many men simply aren’t willing to learn how to do so.

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Escape from the Man Box Premium Member

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Read also: How the Myth That Men Fear Intimacy Contributes to the Disposability of Men and Boys

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    once a cheater always a cheater…. anyone that says different is a cheater… im divorced and never cheated. now I play the field…will never marry again because I know I would cheat!! always!!! girls dont fall for us assholes!!

    • Glenn Wilder says:

      Just ran across this article now…but the topic and everyone’s comments are timeless, aren’t they? So, I don’t cheat because I know how bad it sucks to find out from your kid that your wife is cheating on you. And then she tells you that she’s serious about the guy, and not going to give it up. We worked through the issues, and we’re still married, but it’s never been the same. I do emotionally still love her, but it’s never been the same…I have just lost all interest in sex, period.

    • mystery man says:

      This is quite simply not true. As having cheated, on a girl whom I loved dearly, but who had also cheated, I can tell you this: it took cheating to truly see the flip side of the coin. Cheaters suffer too. I asked myself and spent much time in despair, ‘who am I to have fallen so low?’ It inevitably inspired many a positive change including primarily to take a stand and unequivocally declare to myself that I will never again repeat my mistakes. I was a foolish boy. I have learned and I know in my heart without question I will never again make a choice which I know will or may instill that sort of pain and suffering in another humans heart. It was just another lesson learned on my journey from a boy to a man, and a good man at that.

  2. I don’t cheat not just because I couldn’t see the disappointment on her face when she finds out, but because I couldn’t stand seeing my face in the mirror after I did.

  3. I don’t do it because I love my wife, because I believe our relationship and the bond we have is worth more than the sex anyone else can offer, because I don’t feel enslaved by my own sexuality. Because my wife caused a landslide in my emotional landscape. There are dozens of other noble reasons, from self- or socially imposed ethics to law (because I’m married).

    But let’s raise the stakes a little. This is the GMP after all!
    What are my personal, powerless, vulnerable reasons? What other reasons do I have that don’t put me in the spotlight as exemplary man of self control and social standards?

    1) Because of intimacy. I destroyed the fake tan and macho sexuality taught by society within myself, the sexuality that teaches us to f**k first and think later. After that, I realized I have a barrier before I can be intimate with someone. I learned to breach the barrier well enough, but it takes a conscious, voluntary action on my side.

    2) Because I don’t get a lot of offers. There’s no bus of women throwing themselves at me the moment I step out of the office. I don’t have to battle my way to my car, shoe in hand. I’m not ashamed about my looks but I’m not Michelangelo’s David. I have a nice career but I don’t drive a Ferrari. I won’t attract a mass of women based on looks or wealth. The women I do attract are too rational or reserved to line up for me or trick me. Even in the most tempting offer I got, she clearly waited for me to make a conscious choice before anything happened. I never got around telling her how much I appreciated that about her, in spite of declining the offer.

    3) Because I wouldn’t know how to manage it logistically. My life is so entwined with my family that I wouldn’t know where or how to get around doing this.

    4) Because I learned from experience. I never made that mistake, but attraction ‘happened’ in past relationships. Every single time it happened, I questioned myself and discovered I could trace it to an unspoken unhappiness… something wrong with my relationship or myself. Now, when it happens, I get an instinctive reflective reaction. That said.. it hasn’t happened since I married.

    Of course, I could claim many noble reasons and probably would never be proven false. But there’s also far more personal, powerless reasons and I’m tired of hiding them behind social norms.

  4. I believe the underlying factor is maturity.

    Of all the possible ‘reasons’ why someone would cheat, the mature person isn’t interested in any of them. For most mature people, cheating doesn’t even enter into their consciousness. Their maturity affords them the ability to recognize that whatever problems there are in the relationship, they aren’t solved by cheating but by being dedicated to the relationship, to their own personal happiness and to do all the work necessary to remove the barriers to a rewarding, fulfilling and satisfying relationship. They rarely play the blame game but continually demonstrate (through actions, behaviours, words, etc.) the desire to work through any and all obstacles. They also have an ability to think about the well-being of others and take into consideration how their actions affect those they love (their spouse, their children, etc.).

    An immature person, on the other hand, has difficulty with accountability and ownership of problems resulting in them projecting their unhappiness onto their spouse or the situation or whatever else, other then placing the responsibility where it lies…on themselves. They also have difficulty communicating maturely and effectively and there is often confidence/insecurity issues at play. Ultimately, they don’t have the ability to do the work necessary to overcome the issues and so give into the desire to cheat, having convinced themselves that their spouse is the problem and they somehow deserve it and are entitled to it. Also, an immature person doesn’t think of how their actions affect others and are more apt to be self-centered and focused on their own needs and desires, dismissing the needs, desires and well-being of others (their spouse and children, etc.).

    When two mature people enter into a relationship, nothing can stop them from cultivating a deeply loving, fulfilling and satisfying relationship. But when even one person is immature, nothing can transcend the relationship to the fulfilling heights that two mature people can achieve; sadly, the relationship is often doomed to failure.

  5. Fred in AZ says:

    I was stuck in a bad long term marriage-like relationship with my ex-partner. I will spare the details. To shorten a long story- I suspect she has a borderline personality.

    I was presented with offers, and I didn’t cheat. I didn’t cheat, because I didn’t want to expose another person to the horrid drama. After the numerous indignities and abuse, I couldn’t care about the feelings of my ex. However, even some barfly didn’t need to be drawn into that

  6. So much foolishness in this article. As a woman who’s had a 2 year sexual relationship with one of you “great guys” I know you cheat. It’s obvious all these men are at least thinking about cheating and severely sex starved in their relationships. Oh and the single girl using it as leverage to get money line is hilarious. I enjoy the sex. Why would I ruin a good thing for money!? Gifts and treats and power are so much more appealing.

  7. If you’ve found the right woman, cheating shouldn’t even be a consideration, and if you’re part of the elite gentleman’s club, you should have enough respect for yourself and your promises to not cheat…period. Even if your relationship is feeling a little rocky. Be a man. Be faithful.

  8. Why I would Never Consider Cheating on My Wife!

    1. Because I realize the pain, the agony and the suffering that would be inflicted on me if my wife would have cheated. That pain, suffering and agony i dont want to go through, I don’t my wife to have experience through my ignorant actions either. Remember: don’t do to others, especially, your significant other, that which you don’t want to be done to you.

    2. Because being a lousy and coward cheater, will ruin my integrity and human dignity. Betraying faithfulness and the trust of others myself, I am fully aware of the faxt that I am losing faithfulnesd and trust others would have otherwise given to me.

    3. What goes around comes around, that’s the essence of Karma. All of our actions have consequences, i don’t want to inflict suffering upon myself as the result of my own greed and ignorance. Adultery has really terible suffering as a result, not only between you and the betrayed spouse, not only within the family itself, even not only within the extended family, but in a much wider csocial and other circle sthan those

    4. I am morrally affraid and ashamed of doing evil. Hurting my wife and break the trust of martiage is one of the most evil acts a spouse can do because as said above it perpetuates suffering at a very large scale, extent and magnitude.

    5. I love and am in love with my wife. True love between husband and wife develops only through years of marriage. True love is unconditional love worked together over years of co mutual work and effort. Affair isn’t love, its attachment desguised as love through delusion that breaks up in time only creating more problems. There is only one legitimate framework to adress problems in marriage and that’s our legal relationship to our spouse

    6. Because my wife is not the cause of my problems. Not addressing my problems will only project them into any future relationship whatsoever; however, adressing my problems make any other relatonship unnecessary cbeause it will transform and heal all my problems in my curtent legitimate relationship.

    7. I love my wife incredibly. I love her more than i even love my vhildren because prior to have children i had my wife. I love my children so much that i can’t live without them but i even cant less imagine my life without my wife. I will never cheat on my wife because it also betraying my family as a whole

    8. I will never cheat on my wife because of my spiritualty and the spiritual self growth, empowerment and improvent it bears. Being a Buddhist, as a lay follower of the Buddha, monogamy means to me what cellibacy means to a Buddhist monk. For me it is the practice of restraint and detachment. It the practice through which we learn to stop the root cause of our suffering that is ignorance, greed and ill will.

    9. Because matital sex with your wife that is based and connected to the most deep emotional level is the hotest and best sex you can get. In a stressfull world surrounded by suffering, it is the place where you and your wife blend tohetger and selfleslly become one to commutually offer a release from suffering (untill spiritually we can attain complete liberstiom of it).
    .

  9. therapist truth says:

    Here is the truth about several men I know- they think about cheating all the time- they ‘love’ their wives- for whatever that is worth ( they basally married the mother’s they wished they’d had ) and if they thought they could get away with it- they would cheat- but they worry too much about losing their ” dream mommies with their big checkbooks- yes- they wont’ give up the money- they know those women can get up and leave- and they would not have the lifestyle and identities those rich women give them

  10. I got cheated on…I am trying to give him a second chance right now…but it is really damn hard. He does everything to show me that he loves me and that I mean a lot to him. He did not have an affair with one woman that lasted a long time, but slept with different women, just to have sex and boost his self esteem and have a good time (that is my opinion). There was no lack of sex in our relationship though. In your opinion (as a guy or girl), do you (honestly) think, that it can work out? We have been together for more than 6 years, that is why there is a lot that I value about him…I can always count on him and his support.

  11. Patrick Gearhart says:

    One word – INTEGRITY. The man in the mirror always knows.

  12. I wish I had married one of these men instead of the selfish a**hole I wasted my time on. I did everything for him. Took care of him, his kids and his house while working a full time job, made sure he had everything he wanted, including frequent and adventurous sex (which he never seemed to complain about by the way), made him feel appreciated and did all the work to maintain the marriage. But it wasn’t enough. He still cheated and blamed it on me. I could say that lesson I learned is don’t be too good to your SO otherwise you will get walked all over. But in previous relationships I was cheated on and told it was because I was too distant, too independent and not giving enough. I’m not naive, I know in general monogamy goes against our nature and it is just too much for some people. But I don’t appreciate being blamed for someone else’s lack of lack of self-control. That’s what hurts the most. So I am just no longer interested in relationships of any kind.

  13. Thank you to everyone who contributed to this, you’ve made me feel a lot better about the whole topic of cheating, whereas i previously felt hopeless, as though it were inevitable even with the best man, now i feel as though its possible to love one person faithfully for a life time. Thank you.

  14. ramesh kumar says:

    i dont cheat because i was simply fed up with my wife’s tantrum, psycho-style dominance, victimhood tantrums. There was not ever a peaceful day when she would not do her melodrama.

    I filed for divorce eight years ago. In india, if female wants divorce, there practically she will get it easily; but if husband wants divorce, and wife does not-then cases will just linger on for years and years. The court,police,media will always pamper wives side, even if they are at the fault in many cases. One friend of mine was arrested for Domestic Violence case, even though it was he who was suffering DV since many years; but just once statement of wife and he got arrested – even without any proof or bodily injury. I am just surprised the way- society just promulgates that if you are male, then you are guilty.

    I am staying single for last eight years as MGTOW. I am really peaceful now , “I never have cheated by having two partners, because I just stay away from women(even one patner) now” (‘the spolied by pampering and entitled’ women of these days ). I have neither anything against them, nor any soft romance/dating feeling left for them. I have just gone celibate way. I am just done . I just don’t want to disturb the mental peace I am getting since last eight years.

  15. ramesh kumar says:

    i dont cheat because i was simply fed up with my wife’s tantrum, psycho-style dominance, victimhood tantrums. There was not ever a peaceful day when she would not do her melodrama.

    I filed for divorce eight years ago. In india, if female wants divorce, there practically she will get it easily; but if husband wants divorce, and wife does not-then cases will just linger on for years and years. The court,police,media will always pamper wives side, even if they are at the fault in many cases. One friend of mine was arrested for Domestic Violence case, even though it was he who was suffering DV since many years; but just once statement of wife and he got arrested – even without any proof or bodily injury. I am just surprised the way- society just promulgates that if you are male, then you are guilty.

    I am staying single for last eight years as MGTOW. I am really peaceful now , “I never have cheated by having two partners, because I just stay away from women(even one patner) now” (‘the spolied by pampering and entitled’ women of these days ). I have neither anything against them, nor any soft romance/dating feeling left for them. I have just gone celibate way. I am just done . I just don’t want to disturb the mental peace I am getting since the last eight years.

  16. Men also have a different idea about cheating, many women see pornography as cheating. Maybe not in the traditional sense but, most women who know that their men are looking at other women, especially in a fantasy setting, feel as if they were cheated on. It sets an impossible ideal that makes women feel shamed of their own features and sexuality. How many men still look at porn even though it is just a step away from cheating? Most, why? Because men can’t help but give into nature over self control and true commitment. Most men need to see other women in order to not cheat on their wives. 😉

  17. These are all great posts. Reading these reasons makes me feel good and they are inspirational. They are a bit simplistic though, and I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do about intimacy.

    Yes, the “I” word. I need only one thing from a woman – intimacy. If she pulls that away from me, toys with it, gives it to someone else, or even threatens to give it to someone else, then she is failing the most basic of all roles as a woman. She should be the sole provider of my romantic intimacy. Sex, trust, and respect are a part of that for me. So if she is doing anything to harm any of these three things then she is harming our intimacy (same goes for me, of course).

    When people cheat, it is too often claimed that they are “cheaters” and hence evil. Or that they have physical or sexual needs. It is more complicated than this for most men, I think. But because it keeps getting twisted in this way, we never really address the problem.

    We are a sex-obsesses culture and too many Americans grow up knowing nothing about true intimacy – women as much as men – and so it should not be surprising that people feel unfulfilled.

  18. Some men are stronger than others….but, men don’t cheat because they’re not presented with the opportunity, that’s all. EVERY MAN has his treshold. Some are just higher than the rest.

  19. Angelina says:

    Men cheat. End of story. Given the opportunity to and knowing they won’t get caught, they’ll cheat. Whether it’s pornography, soft porn via HBO shows, or strip clubs–it’s all a form of cheating. If it leads to fantasizing about sex with another individual, it’s cheating. Maybe not physical, but still cheating all the same. So don’t tell me men watch pornography so that they don’t cheat; that is cheating. As women, unfortunately, we’re just required to live with it cause it’s just in their nature. God forbid if the roles are reversed though…point is, men are always engaging in some form of adultery or another. It’s never going to change.

  20. shane gerzon-kessler says:

    I cheated repeatedly on my first wife. I have never cheated on the 2nd. Within those lines. I know the exact reasons why men cheat and why they don’t. I thank God I found her.

  21. Ashley Untrauer says:

    What are some of the things that made you cheat? And what does the second one do for you that the first one didn’t?

  22. The reason I fell into a relationship with another man was due to lack of emotional intimacy. I received caring, compliments, sharing from a deeper level and affection. I Have been married 30 years. The most common statement I see women writing on blogs is ” I never thought I would do this “. My husband and I are working on our relationship. I woke up inside from going thru this for 2 years. I realized how much less I settled for in my marriage. I also am being truthful with myself on what I won’t live without.

  23. Ive been cheated on and it messed me up. I would never want some i let into my life feel that way. If i feel like i want someone else then we shouldnt be together. Call me old fashion but i respect women. I was raised better than to be a dog. My parents have been together 26years and still go on dates and are crazy about eachother. I think the way your dad treats your mom has a big part on how you treat the ladies.

  24. I feel this way when you ask a woman to marry you and she says yes, she gives up her name to take yours, she has your kids and her body suffers for it, she may even give up a career cause she will be busy taking care the kids. the way I see it she stands to give up the most in order to be with you, that is a hell of a sacrifice and at the very least to cheat on her is a disgrace to the family you create with her and the commitment she made to you, If you are married that is what you should think of first and foremost, what she has given up for you, otherwise don’t get married.

  25. Trevor, I am sorry you had to go through that, and I applaud you for not turning the other way for revenge against all women, but as you say, still respect them. As a female myself, I have been cheated on many times in relationships, while I gave myself whole-heartedly. It is hard not to lose faith in being able to choose and find someone who holds the same values as I do. I agree about your comment on how one learns from how your dad treats your mom, and I dream continuously about what your parents have… !!

  26. YES, Chris !!!!
    Wish I had found a man who believes in that!

  27. It’s so refreshing to hear a man who still acknowledges that women make sacrifices for marriage and parenting, just like they do. It seems like all you hear today is men bitching about how women have it so easy and have too much power, and we conspire to deny them what they are entitled to and scheme to ruin them by taking their kids and all their money. But you’re right — far too many people who get married today shouldn’t. They’re about #1 and don’t have the capacity to put others before themselves.

  28. It’s interesting that when men cheat the response is often, ‘well, he’s a man’ but when women cheat it’s more ‘I never thought she could do this’. That difference is interesting. For me, I see cheating as a human response to needs not being met. I also see a relationship as a dynamic, so that if one or both partners’ needs are not being met, both partners’ are partly responsible for that. It’s not possible to blame one or the other person. A relationship is to dynamic to simply blame like that. That’s why effective communication is so important. And then, if it still doesn’t work, ending the relationship rather than having an affair. But, I think affairs will happen. Because of our basic humanity…

  29. Denis Stone says:

    A relationships takes two, and is the responsibility of both. Cheating is a choice one makes, and when a person decides to cheat he/she is the only one responsible for it.

  30. I don’t cheat because I have no desire to, my partner and I take care of each others needs, and try to communicate those needs clearly and without games. We made a pact in the begining that if ever we felt that things were not working that we would have the decency to tell the other before we acted on any emotional or physical replacement I guess you could say. We also agreed that we would never use sex as a way to punish each other for argumeents or disagreements. We also try as best we can with 4 kids ranging from 2months to 13 years, to not let our appearance or higene lapse, or get complacent about our need for each others affection, we also realize thatvthere is more to it than sex, knowing that she has my back emotionaly as well as physicaly, makes the idea of cheating sound real stupid. Really at the end of the day if you feelbthe urge to cheat, you do not belong in a relationship in the first place, and if you cheat on someone you do not love them. You may have a need filled by them, but you do not love them, and for every man and woman out there if someone cheats on you they do not respect ,care about or love you in any way……never forgive a cheater, respect will not follow that act, your weakness in forgiving a cheater will result in more cheating………..

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