The dad gig is a tough one. It’s even worse if you didn’t have great examples in your childhood.
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Like a lot of people in my generation, my parents divorced when I was young. My mother remarried, and from the age of 6 to 15 I lived with a very physically (and verbally, mentally and psychologically) abusive step-father.
Nine years of severe abuse will warp your view of marriage, parenthood, and even masculinity.
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Nine years of severe abuse will warp your view of marriage, parenthood, and even masculinity. Essentially, I grew up experiencing everything NOT to do as a dad. Fast-forward to today: I’m 40 years old and am a happily married father of nine children (all with the same wife). And yes, we ARE trying to start our own baseball team!
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Starting a New Legacy
So how can you be a good father if you’ve never seen it modeled? Well, here’s what I’ve learned; you just have to start where you are, and move forward. Sometimes you don’t have the luxury of waiting for the perfect scenario. You just have to pick yourself, dust yourself off, and start doing the right things for yourself and your future.
As an older teenager, I realized that I did not possess the power I needed to control my growing rage and anger. You see, anger is not only addictive, but it’s also contagious. I had to admit that I had a problem, it was bigger than me, and I needed help. If you can’t learn to let go of bitterness towards someone who has hurt you, you may very well become what you hate.
I had to learn to let go of the resentment that I had allowed to eat at me like cancer….
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I turned to God and some mentors who helped me to learn the principles and techniques necessary to overcome chronic anger. I had to learn to let go of the resentment that I had allowed to eat at me like cancer, from the inside-out.
The thing that I have learned is that you don’t have to be a creation of someone else’s dysfunction. It IS possible to learn to control anger, and not use it as a weapon to destroy others.
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Breaking Free from Anger.
Here are some things that have helped me:
1. Be willing to forgive those who have hurt you. Now that doesn’t mean that you are saying what they did was okay! Far from it! But it means that you are not going to seek to punish them yourself. You will hand that over the Almighty.
2. Learn to confess your fault to your loved ones every time you lose your cool. Trust me; they already know you acted like a jerk. There is no saving face in such a situation. Just man up and admit that you were wrong, and let them know you are committed to learning new patterns. If you don’t do this immediately, it is that much harder to apologize the next time, and you’ll eventually lose the respect of your family.
3. Recognize your anger triggers. What is it that sets you off? Seek to understand your expectations, and identify chronic scenarios that ruin your day. Ask yourself, on a good day, what you can do to eliminate (or reduce) the stress those situations cause.
4. Learn to encourage others through positive words of affirmation. This process is tough, especially if you were raised without affirmation yourself, or don’t receive honest praise from your spouse, boss or others in your life. But remember, change has to begin with you. Make lists of things that you appreciate about your wife and children, and learn to tell them that you love them, AND that you like them! Affirm them for who they are, and not merely what they do. If you make a practice of doing this for 30 days in a row, this will begin to change your perspective and develop into a new habit of gratitude and encouragement.
I’ve learned to become a father and husband who nurtures, builds and heals relationships….
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Just this change alone will reap great rewards in your family. These are just a few of the tips I’ve learned to become a father and husband who nurtures, builds and heals relationships, rather than harms them. You can do this, with God’s help!
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Photo:Flickr/Acid Pix
Sir– The four things you suggested I have started applying to that inner part of me that was wounded. As I pay attention, love him as he needs to be loved, listened to, acknowledged, and taught to feel safe with me, I/we are becoming a whole, loving, listening, acknowledging, affirming human being to others. I got to be willing to feel his pain and his joy and experience these feelings. I/we do this together. And I know, by God’s grace, we will be a whole loving human being capable of giving and receiving love. And most of all, a guy… Read more »