Understanding whether someone is really serious about you can be difficult for a number of reasons:
- you’re not a mind reader
- you might be so in love with someone, you’ll close your eyes to their strange behavior
- the other person might need a lot of time to open up and talk about their feelings
- the other person might tend to suppress their emotions, especially during the initial dating phase
- the other person might be a great liar: they can tell you they’re serious about you when in reality, they’re not
For these reasons, I decided to compile a list of five definite signs that can help you understand whether the person you’re involved with isn’t actually serious about your relationship.
Let’s dive right in.
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#1. They Play the Hot and Cold Game
When someone goes hot and cold with you, they send you mixed signals that leave you confused and irritated. At first, trying to “decode” their behavior might seem exciting, but after a while, it becomes frustrating and emotionally draining.
That kind of behavior might include:
- them disappearing for long periods of time and then acting as if nothing happened
- them being extremely sweet and affectionate one day, only to turn completely cold and distant the next
- them making you feel like you’re dating two completely different people
The reasons for someone playing hot and cold games are many, from being emotionally unavailable to being in a relationship (and trying to hide it from you).
One thing’s for sure: they’re not serious about you. Although it’s true that a person might find it hard to be 100% open with their feelings and express them to you, if they have serious intentions about your relationship, they certainly won’t play silly mind games with you that leave you guessing.
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#2. They Do Everything To Keep You a Secret
There’s always a chance the person you’re dating is shy, introverted, and needs to spend a certain amount of time with you before they tell their friends (or family) about you and start introducing you to them.
However, when they do everything in their power to keep you a secret from their social circle — even though you’ve been dating for weeks, even months), that’s a red flag that usually indicates two things: they either are already in a relationship, or they’re not serious about you.
Here’s how that might look like:
- they admit they haven’t told anyone about you yet, but seem unable to explain why
- every time you randomly bump into someone from their social circle, let’s say on the street, at an event, or at a party, they introduce you as a friend
- you don’t exist anywhere in their social media profiles, even though they’re active and use them frequently
- every time you start talking about meeting their friends or family they get anxious and irritated
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#3. They Engage in an Inexplicable Behavior
Someone who’s not serious about you might behave in a strange way, often making you feel suspicious of their motives and extremely uncertain about their feelings.
For example, they might:
- tell you one thing and then do the complete opposite
- accuse you of being indiscreet just because you asked them what are their plans for later or how they spend their time the other day
- be always on their phone when you’re together but “forget” to reply to your texts or keep missing your calls when you’re not
- avoid answering where they’ve been and with whom
- often cancel your plans/invite you to an event at the last minute, usually via text
When the above actions occur repeatedly — becoming behavior patterns —, they usually mean that the person you’re dating either hides something big from you (unfortunately, usually a boyfriend/girlfriend) or their intentions about you aren’t serious.
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#4. They Rarely Offer Any Kind of Genuine Help
Something that can help you understand whether someone’s really serious about you is noticing how they behave when you need their help, be it about a practical matter or offering emotional support.
And no, someone carrying your shopping bags isn’t genuine help.
Here are some examples of genuine help:
- dropping by your house when you’re sick to bring you a bowl of soup or simply check on you
- doing a chore for you when you have a lot of work and little time
- supporting you emotionally when you’re going through hard times, such as the death of a loved one, losing your job, or struggling with your mental health
If your significant other is nowhere to be found when the going gets tough but is always eager to be by your side to have some fun, chances are, they’re far from serious about you.
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#5. They Keep Everything On a Superficial Level
Do you ever have serious conversations with your partner or do you spend most of your time together in the bedroom? What do you usually talk about when you’re with them?
Do they talk about their family, their past, their struggles, their dreams, or do they always keep the conversation light and on a superficial level?
Because, if they do keep everything on a superficial level, that’s a tell-tale sign they have no intentions whatsoever of being serious with your relationship.
Here’s what “keeping things on a superficial level” might look like:
- they avoid discussing anything regarding their past, their childhood, their friendships, or their family with you
- your conversations are never centered around heavy/deep/philosophical topics, such as war, death, poverty, politics, or personal struggles
- they rarely reveal any intimate details about themselves
- whenever a conversation turns serious they tell a joke or change the topic
- every time you ask them something personal, they get annoyed or tell you you’re being indiscreet
- they rarely/never ask you your opinion or thoughts about a current event/a specific topic
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Other Small Indicators They’re Not Serious About You
Some other small signs that the person you’re dating might not be on the same page as you about wanting a serious relationship are:
- They never make you a priority.
- They make plans and spend time with you only when it’s convenient for them.
- They never talk about the future with you.
- They flake on you all the time.
- They are not interested in your story, past, goals, and dreams.
- If you could sum up your time together in three words, it would be sex, sex, sex.
- They keep saying they don’t like labels.
- They let you do all the work in the relationship.
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Final Note
Sometimes, when we’re in love, it’s easy to close our eyes to the truth and let ourselves stay with someone we know deep down isn’t on the same page with us/isn’t right for us/doesn’t treat us right.
However, we need to remember that we are solely responsible for making sure we get the love and respect we deserve.
So, if you noticed that the person you’ve been dating engages in the kind of behavior that indicates they’re not serious about your relationship, sit down and have a conversation about it with them — without being aggressive or blaming them.
Be honest about what you want and what you expect from your future. If you see that the other person isn’t on the same page with you, it might be time to call it quits — however painful it might be — and find a person who will be in the right place to fulfill your needs.
You deserve it.
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Previously Published on Medium.
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