How to empower your love after the storm of passion wanes.
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If you’re reading this you’ve probably had the urge to delete all your P.O.F. & Match.com profiles, created a few emotionally-drenched text messages that have been held hostage in a draft folder, and confided in as many bosom buddies as possible seeking answers. I’m your last resort, which is perfectly okay; please know that this has also been my experience in the past.
You are optimistic about finding love but you have a few traumatic stories lingering that seem to have you in a chokehold. Each time another seemingly “good guy” disappears, the memories of how that long lost EX(ess) screwed you over resurfaces.
As a result you’re left with more questions than answers, dealing with feelings of abandonment, rejection and shame once again.
No one wants to admit that:
- They’ve screwed up
- That they have a reoccurring issue that needs to be addressed.
This is the same psychology that is applied when we hear that a terrible storm is coming on the news. We sit tight hoping that the weatherman screwed up this forecast, sometimes he does, but sometimes he’s on point. I want to inspire you to prepare for the storm, no matter what the forecast is.
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I have practically dedicated my life or my Goddess Intellect life rather, to helping men and women attract available partners and healthy relationships. Just because you attract someone who is technically available it’s not to say they will be open to commitment with you ever or 6 months down the line. For this reason I tend not to automatically label a man who doesn’t want to be with me or any woman a commitment-phobe like he has a disease, because it’s a little more complex than that.
A man has to have the desire to commit to you based on a level of comfortability. This comfortability stretches way beyond the ability to prepare meals, do handstands in the bedroom, or look cute. When we choose members to be on our team, we want members that bring assets to the team to make it stronger, more formidable, and dynamic.
The thing about romantic relationships is that emotions fluctuate due to environmental factors. In the beginning of a relationship you are on cloud 9, it’s a time when curiosity is peaked, you’re both constantly discovering new things about each other, and everything is faultless.
Once a surface level connection is established naturally, a couple moves on to establishing an emotional bond, and this is usually what makes or breaks a relationship after the 6-month period and beyond.
Respect, trust, vulnerability & acceptance.
After awhile you begin to discover kinks in your partner, or behavioral patterns that weren’t there when you first met or worse, they begin to pull away. This can often trigger past hurts to rise to the surface. The past hurt can cloud our judgment, or we can recognize that it is an experience in the past and that the present partner deserves to be understood.
There is power in understanding your partner’s reasons for their actions, even when their actions hurt us. There is power in pushing beyond our past hurt and trauma to open up to love. There is power in standing ground and holding steadfast to newly established boundaries. There is power in letting walls down so that everyone who enters our lives gets an equal opportunity for us to exchange love.
See it’s not that you’re not good enough, it’s that YOU THINK you’re not good enough. Some stumbling block along the way tripped your heart up and filled your mind with junk.
Confession: My greatest opponent is self-doubt. Lord God it wreaks havoc when it’s ready. Self-doubt will have you stirring up a story for T.M.Z. on your partner when they haven’t done a thing. It will have you replacing your present partner’s face with you ex’s face! It will have you blaming your partner for the pent up anger you have inside for why your daddy left? Why your mom is in competition with you, and why that “prettier” friend always gets more male attention than you!
Breathe.
Let whatever it is that is hindering you from trusting, opening up and repeating patterns in FEAR come up to the surface. Take your feelings about who hurt you, and what you think is the reason for all your relationships not working from this “unavailable man,” and place it on paper. You will most definitely tie it back to the past.
See it’s not that we are a magnet for jerks and bad fortune, it’s that we haven’t decided to prepare for the storm. The storm is when the beginning of the relationship has cleared, and you’re left with bare bone emotional rawness. In order to establish a true connection with a romantic partner you need to have emotional room to receive them. After all, a houseguest wouldn’t feel too comfortable or invited if you had them staying in the storage closet by the front door when the rest of the house is empty.
Having emotional room to receive a partner means you are free of assumptions, judgments, and the fear that they will reject or leave you.
If you carry around fear, they will smell it and they will come, one after another for the rest of your life.
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Photo: Melissa Dooley / Flickr
I learned a long time ago that like attracts like. If you’re stuck in a pattern when you are attracting emotionally unavailable men then there is something about you that is emotionally unavailable or that feels comfortable in emotionally unavailable relationships. Dig down deep enough and you will find it. This goes for everything that are considered negatives in modern relationships. When there’s a pattern you need to turn inward to look at resolving it.
“You think you’re not good enough….”
Yup…that’s the heart of it…somewhere deep inside I felt that I could not do better…it can be so hard to walk away when you feel like this…I am amazed I stayed for as long as I did….
Now I keep a healthy distance from people…people seem to be so phony at first…I try to see beyond the polite mask…I am not afraid to take a step back or just say “no” now….it is hard putting your own needs first….
Hi Lela, I’m thrilled to hear that you had the courage to walk away from a relationship that was not serving you, however I will say that keeping up a permanent wall may keep folks with good intentions at a distance too. In my coaching practice I teach about boundaries which helps everyone in our lives know the rules while rewarding the good players. Imagine being at a new job and your boss just throws you into the work without disclosing the rules. You may become confused and feel uncomfortable because you won’t know what is considered outstanding or poor… Read more »
I agree that fear can attract the wrong types of people. And i agree that fear can hold people back. However it’s unrealistic to expect a person who had been hurt in the past to completely let go of the fear. Fear has strong evolutionary background, fear prevented us from being eaten by the wolves or making the same mistakes. I think the issue is that…when you meet someone and they behave in a way that is not consistent with what you want, it’s best to walk away. Not to invest years and hours of thoughts into why, and how…but… Read more »
Hi Dina, Thank you so much for your insight, I appreciate it so much! Something to think about: “when you meet someone and they behave in a way that is not consistent with what you want, it’s best to walk away. Not to invest years and hours of thoughts into why, and how…but simply to walk away.” What if that person is you? We can’t run from ourselves and patterns forever. At some point we have to invest time into unlocking what is causing the us to repeat patterns of attracting who we attract. Most of us go through our… Read more »