No, we’re not talking about being cold. We’re talking about making the world of dating a little easier to understand.
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I am a recently divorced man. I have been getting back into the dating field after 11 years.
From what I have found dating can be one of the most confusing and frustrating aspects of a man’s life.
At least for me this is true.
I personally have found, it is challenging to approach a woman I am attracted to. To inviting a woman on a first date. Then to go on the date itself. At this time that is about as far as I have gotten.
I have found that anxiety gets the best of me in the dating world. It is a work in progress.
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Many of you men may relate to my experiences with dating. Some of you may not.
I think, “I don’t want to be seen as ‘that guy’.”
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Here is the thing. In my experience, I have found that I can excel and be successful at my job. This is especially true once I learn and apply as much as I can about the job.
A particular job that sticks out for me when I say this is selling tires as a salesperson.
It was one of the first sales jobs I ever had. In my head I had a stigma about sales people. It was that they were sneaky, conniving individuals who just want what you have in your wallet. No not the sandwich punch card, but the plastic or your cash.
With good training and lots of experience, I became good at my sales job. Through that I came to the realization that although there are sales people who match the stereotype I had in mind, it did not mean that I was going to become that person.
You are probably thinking, “How does this tie into dating?” Let me show you.
One thing I found helpful was to put certain aspects of dating into lingo that I understand better.
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Just like that stigma about sales people, I walk around with a stigma about the way I present myself. I think, “I don’t want to be seen as ‘that guy’.”
That guy that comes off as creepy or desperate. That guy that has so much anxiety that he is unsure of himself around women he is attracted to. Although, truthfully I admit I am usually “that guy”. As I said, anxiety gets the best of me.
Ultimately, I do not want to be the kind of guy that oversteps boundaries with women. The kind of guy that comes off as aggressive or sexual.
So, instead I worked at being the complete opposite of the guy I did not want to be. Well, that is not a great way to be either…
With some tweaks here and there, I am now working at being a more balanced man in my dating life.
One thing I found helpful was to put certain aspects of dating into lingo that I understand better.
Here is a fact: not every person you meet will have high interest in you and you will not have high interest in every person.
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From here on out I am going to be using what I learned during my time as a salesperson and applying it to aspects of attracting and dating. Let’s get started.
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Target Audience
Plain and simple. Target audience are the people you want to meet and date. Just as a sales person works to understand what their target audience is for their product, it is also important for us to work to get to know the traits we want in a partner. Not just physical, I am talking about all the traits you desire.
Here is a fact: not every person you meet will have high interest in you and you will not have high interest in every person.
Similar to selling a specific product. Not every person you talk to is going to be interested in your product. That is just the truth.
Here is what we need to do.
While talking to this person of interest it is our job to gauge the individual’s interest in us.
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Approach and converse with everyone we cross paths with. As we become more comfortable with talking to different people. When we approach a someone of interest. It will be easier for us to hold a conversation with said person.
While talking to this person of interest it is our job to gauge the individual’s interest in us. Do they have low interest or high interest? It is best if we practice this as we talk to everyone.
See the thing is, the more we are exposed to this the better we will get.
Tips:
Responding in short phrases, talks about their partner, body is pointed away from you, lack of eye contact, lack of curiosity about you, pulls away if you use appropriate touch and the list goes on. These are things that show low interest.
As we approach and converse with people of interest we are also looking for our target audience, the people that we are interested in.
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Being inquisitive about you, holds eye contact, body is pointed towards you (especially feet), laughs at jokes, compliments you, shares stories about themselves, moves in closer, touches you appropriately, and so on. That is high interest.
Now, something I want to remind you of. It is okay if we are not interested. It is okay if we excuse ourselves and walk away. We are not required to continue talking with someone who is either showing low interest or we have low interest in.
The reason for talking to everyone is to reduce our anxiety and help us become comfortable in ourselves. As we approach and converse with people of interest we are also looking for our target audience, the people that we are interested in.
First we have to learn what is of interest to us. Over time we will learn that. Until then start making a list of traits you find desirable in a partner. Again, more than just physical.
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Advertising/Marketing of Product
For this example, product = traits (personality, physical, emotional, and others). Our individual traits to be specific.
I am sure we have all been up late at night and have caught a glimpse of an infomercial.
Be vulnerable, be honest, be willing to share about yourself.
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Infomercials use direct advertising methods. They present a product. They tell you all about it. Then they give you a demonstration of how great the product is.
In a similar way that is what we want to do when we are meeting and talking to people of interest. I am not saying that you are to put on a show for them or try to impress them with all the great things about you.
The idea here is that you want to give them evidence that you are a great partner choice for them. You want to present to them your quality traits.
Show them how you treat others with respect, how you enjoy their company, that you can carry a conversation, that you lead an interesting life. Be vulnerable, be honest, be willing to share about yourself.
Tips:
Just like a business it is important that you understand first who you are trying to market to. Then you can begin to choose the places you market your product.
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Create a conversation thread. Link a story about yourself to something they said prior. Throw in some humor, your opinion, and use “because” statements. Ex. I love Starbucks because if I don’t get my Starbucks fix then I am no good for the day.
Give them an infomercial of who you are.
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Places to Market
There are people of interest everywhere you look. The grocery store, the bar, the coffee house, and many other places.
Once we have a greater understanding of the partner we want we will know what places to market ourselves.
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Just like a business it is important that you understand first who you are trying to market to. Then you can begin to choose the places you market your product.
This is true for dating. We must first figure out the kind of partner we want.
Once we have a greater understanding of the partner we want we will know what places to market ourselves.
Tips:
Gala’s, art gallery openings, benefit dinners are a great place to meet people who share passions of self-development, culture, compassion, experiencing new things, and helping others. The app Meet-up helps to meet like minded people.
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Closing
When working as a salesperson your ultimate goal is to make the sale. The point of being a salesperson is to market the product, converse with your target audience, and make the sale. It is called closing.
This relates to dating as well. Before the end of our meeting with a person we are interested in we want to close with them.
Connecting something that I am good at, sales, to something that I have found challenging, dating, has assisted me in gaining a greater understanding.
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We want to walk away with some way to connect with them later, so that we can ask them on a date. Again, we want to do this with people we have an interest in and who have an interest in us.
There is always the chance that we may not have time to talk. I think making a quick close, so that later we can assess our interest through contact is great.
Tips:
On the go, but see a person of interest? Stop, walk up, say hi, introduce yourself, tell them they caught your interest, but you are on your way out, let them know you want their number so that you can invite them to join you on your next adventure.
It has helped me to look at dating in terms that I am familiar with. Also connecting something that I am good at, sales, to something that I have found challenging, dating, has assisted me in gaining a greater understanding.
Let’s get out there and start smiling, saying hi, and having conversations with people that we cross paths with. As Theodore Roosevelt said, :…if he fails, at least he fails daring greatly…” Let us dare greatly!
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Photo: Getty Images
While this framework does offer possibilities, I must take exception to a few things, 1) “Give them an infomercial of who you are.” This is terrible advice. Diarrhea of the mouth! I cannot tell you how many times I see men talking ad nauseam about themselves. It is just a plain turnoff to the woman.Women hate this and these kinds of men. The best thing a man can do is, if he has the attention of a woman, is to ask questions. By asking her questions about herself, this will create a real conversation. Most women, like most people, like… Read more »
I enjoyed reading what you said towards the end of this comment. I agree men (I would add women in this also) need to be continuously developing who they are. I agree with the statement about the need to ask questions. From that statement I am not sure if you are implying that one needs to only ask questions and not talk about themselves. If so, I disagree with that. It has been my experience that if all one does is ask questions then it becomes more of an interview (a one-sided interaction). I see that I need to expand… Read more »
@ John Glass, “From that statement I am not sure if you are implying that one needs to only ask questions and not talk about themselves.” Yes, it should be a two way conversation. If she is not asking you questions about your interests, hobbies, life, etc then we have a problem. Clearly, she is not too interested..So, you can move on…. “There by giving exposure and practice so that one can engage in conversation with a person of interest. Not just attractive women.” Look John. Let’s be honest here. There is no way in hell you are going to… Read more »