This dad is caught between sexism and some hard stereotypes.
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Sometimes, women are the worst enemies of gender equality.
Recently, in the space of three weeks, three different women demonstrated sexist stereotypes against women, and each one had something to do with my daughter.
The Music Teacher
I e-mailed a music teacher about violin lessons for my daughter, Beth, who is 8 years old. We agreed to talk by phone at a specific time. I called twice, and both times, she answered the phone and hung up on me. So I emailed her, and said she’d hung up on me, and asked her call me at her convenience. My phone rang almost immediately, and I answered.
“Hello?” She said,
“Hi. I’m looking for Tor.”
I replied, “You’re talking to him.” With shock, she exclaimed, “HIM?! You’re a HIM?”
“Yes, last I checked.” There was a long pause on the other end before she continued. “Sorry about that. I don’t expect fathers to contact me about music lessons. I assumed you were a mother.” I sighed.
“Nope. I’m the dad. Dads care for their daughters too.”
Sure, my name is uncommon in the U.S., and it is regularly mangled into Tom, Thor, Joe, and a few other names. But I was surprised that she got my name right and my gender wrong, all due to a sexist stereotype. Thus, when she heard an unfamiliar male voice on the phone at the appointed time, she assumed I was a salesperson and hung up on me. Now, this teacher came highly recommended, and I understand music at least as a serious hobbyist. We continued to talk about music, and I could tell she knows music and teaching. That’s what I need for my daughter — but perhaps she also needs to see somebody who breaks stereotypes (I shared this encounter with few other dads, and some of them recommended that I avoid this teacher based on this, but we ultimately decided to try her out).
This sexism is common: the assumption that only women can care for their children.
Sadly, she’s not alone: school teachers and nurses have regularly been surprised when I am able to ask and answer questions about my kids. Often, they are very hesitant to talk to me after they find out I’m merely the dad, and keep asking to talk to my wife.
The Neighbor
The following week, another woman—a neighbor—heard about Beth’s interest in violin. She can’t play any musical instruments, but she pulled me aside and said, “You know, learning a violin is very hard.”
“Yes, I know,” I said.
“I’ve heard violin teachers give lessons,” she said. “There’s so much to learn about holding the violin correctly, positioning your fingers on the strings, and so on. It’s really going to be a lot for Beth to handle.”
“Yes, it will take some time. I remember learning the piano at this age, and that was a lot of
work,” responded. Then I brought up Luke, my son, who is 11.
“When Luke started learning the trombone a couple of years ago, you didn’t make any comments about how hard it was for him. Why not?”
“Oh, that was different.”
“How so?” I said, suspicious.
“A trombone is pretty hard to play too.”
“It’s just easier for him.”
“How?!”
“It’s just easier for boys!”
Ah, there it was: the idea that girls are weaker, stupider, and/or lazier, compared to boys, while doing similar activities. It’s simply untrue, and my closest proof is my own kids: although different in temperament and interests, they are both hardworking and really smart.
The Relative
The following week, a guest—another woman, and a relative — was with us when my daughter was opening birthday presents. Beth unwrapped a set of four Estes model rockets, complete with launch pad and engines. Our guest was surprised.
“You bought her rockets?”
“Sure,” I said. She was now confused.
“Did she ask for rockets?”
“No,” I replied.
“But we thought they were cool.” My wife added, “And she really likes science.” The guest was now very confused. She looked over the set of rockets, which were mostly yellow, blue, black, and white.
“Well… couldn’t you at least get a pink rocket?”
“Wow,” I said in surprise. “That’s almost sexist.”
“There is no “almost” about it,” muttered my wife quietly. Now our guest became defensive.
“What’s wrong with making a rocket more girly?” I said, firmly,
“There is absolutely no reason why any toy needs to be made pink just so a girl can use it.” Beth was still there, and held up one of the rockets.
“Look, the tail on this one is sort of pink.”
“Oh good,” I said sarcastically, “it’s safe for girls!”
The guest kept going: “I wonder if Barbie has a model rocket. Do they make a Barbie rocket?”
“WHAT?!” I couldn’t believe my ears. “Is Barbie our standard for appropriate girl’s toys?!”
My wife interrupted to ask Beth a question. “Sweetheart, do you like the rockets?”
Beth nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, they’re really cool!”
“Good,” I said. “That’s all that matters.”
I’ve never understood the sexist idea that toys (and other things) need to be made a specific
color or style in order to be usable by girls. This is nonsense on so many levels. For one thing, people are free to like any colors they want, and my daughter dislikes pink. Another thing: color stereotypes are a product of culture, not nature.
A mere century ago, pink was considered a boy’s color in the U.S., and blue a girl’s color.
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All of these fragments of sexism came from women in my daughter’s life. They reinforced the stereotypes that only women look after their children; that girls are weaker or stupider; and that toys need to be made differently in order to be used by different genders.
Clearly, women are not automatically feminists, because gender equality is not a characteristic of a person’s gender. Instead, it is a choice within a person’s perspective. It seems that if a woman doesn’t want other women seeking opportunities and interests that she never sought for herself —either because she herself is not interested, or out of adherence to tradition, or out of competitiveness—then she will reinforce the status quo of gender imbalances.
And as women, they are role models seen by my kids. Fortunately, they are not the only role models in my kid’s lives.
Nonetheless, it sometimes seems that women are the worst enemies of gender equality.
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What do you think? Have you encountered women who are sexist against women? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments below.
Photo: Pixabay
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And thank you for sharing this!
Tor – you seem to stumble onto really silly conversations, unless some of the context is missing.
Take the rocket story, for instance: that felt more like she/he was yanking your chain, jumping to Barbie rockets, the quip about almost pink…
I remember watching this same scene on Curb your Enthusiasm!
Thanks for your comment, Elissa.
You are correct that I did not include full context, for the sake of space. This would be a much longer piece otherwise. I believe I included the necessary parts for discussion.
But these conversations happened, and are not rare. For example, it is common for people to believe that toys need to be pink if they are for girls. At least among more traditional/conservative Americans, there is a strong bias about this point. Maybe you and I travel in very different circles.
Thank you for writing this.
Anyone of my friends who have kids, are more than familiar with school or daycare teachers, nurses, etc, who are more than insistent in asking to speak with the mother on any subject regarding a kid.
Sometimes, women are the worst enemies of gender equality.
I don’t trying to figure this out or even speak on who is the “worst” does much good. It surely shuts down conversation when its said about men so I can imagine it does the same when its said about women.
Clearly, women are not automatically feminists, because gender equality is not a characteristic of a person’s gender.
Not only that but it also runs counter to another common claim. That women can’t be sexist.
Thanks for your comment, Danny.
“Worst” may not be the right word. I merely meant that a woman who is sexist against women, is a much stronger role model for girls than a man who is sexist against women. Does that make sense?
I got you.
I just see trying to say who is the worst is a sure fire way to shut down conversation and then things devolve into blaming someone.
Perhaps, “Women certainly do contribute to sexism”?
A female neighbor would want help fixing something on her roof and would make a comment like if I were a man, I’d do it. She had to confront a neighbor once about a car he parked blocking her driveway. It was a guy with a couple adult / teenage sons. She mentioned how scary it was for her as a woman to have to confront these guys. Funny thing is, I’m sure there are a few feminists who’d agree with her on the last matter.
To the credit of the music teacher, she apologized to you and made it clear she made an assumption. She never said that a father (or you) didn’t care for his daughter. My guess is that the majority of the time, the women are infact the ones handling the music lessons or ballet lessons. Even today, there are dutities and responsibilities that women sill take care of most of the time that many men don’t get involved with when it comes to children. My Dad did not get involved in my music lessons or dance lessons ever. It didn’t mean… Read more »
“Hence the assumption. She actually did not draw any sexist conclusions about men themselves.”
Actually she did. It doesn’t matter why she made the assumptions. She did. She seemed to have come to different conclusions later and you’re right that should be taken into account. Tor did though. She’s Beth’s music instructor.
Her post is filled with hypocrisy. She criticizes him for making assumptions based of gender why making excuses for herself and the these other women doing the same thing and it being ok. Apparently a guy can only make assumptions after having a long detailed hour plus long discussion but a women can after a word or two and its fine. The women mentioned all exhibited sexism and thats wrong. Erin acknowledges that sexism can go both ways and women arent perfect but only really as way to give women a free pass and an excuse when they are guilty… Read more »
Thanks for your comments, Erin. You wrote, “My guess is that before you, she never had a man contact her about their child’s music lessons.” I was open to that possibility, so I continued the relationship, as noted in my post. Still, there’s some kind of bias there, given the assumptions she made. Alternatively, the idea that only moms had contacted her before suggests biases elsewhere. In any case, this doesn’t explain all the other times women act like this (such as school teachers and nurses). You asked, “did you ever ask your neighbor what she meant when said that… Read more »
Erin, I’d also like to thank you for the comment “I think you’re heart is in a good place”. I am trying. I may very well fail, since I too am a product of society, as you wrote. Call me out when you think I’m wrong (and then expect some discussion).
“Wow,” I said in surprise. “That’s almost sexist.” “There is no “almost” about it,” muttered my wife quietly. Seems to me that his wife was even harsher in the judgement of pink-rocket-woman than he was. “Sometimes, women are the worst enemies of gender equality.” vs. “men are the worst offenders of sexism.” And you assume we would be offended by that? Exchanging the gender does not create a whole different context in that statement. Omitting the word “sometimes”, on the other hand, do create a whole different context for the statement. But I would expect anyone who had passed 2nd… Read more »
“What do you think? Have you encountered women who are sexist against women?” Some, but far more that are sexist against men. An example of this is when our boys begin dating. Suddenly we inundate them with the 1950s model of dating to where they ar now “the man”. They ask, they pay, they open doors pull out chairs. We call that being a gentleman, but that is because our mental acuity is, in an of itself, sexist. Our society is rife with examples of sexism toward men. We call them double standards, and we blatantly ignore them because we… Read more »
Thanks for your comment, DJ.
In American culture, sexism against women dramatically outweighs sexism against men. I don’t doubt that women can be sexist against men, but that is a whole other discussion topic than what I was trying to point out with this article.
Agreed. First men were blamed. Then certain types of men were blamed. Now its certain types of masculinity are to blame. It seems that over time its getting closer and closer to finally recognizing that gendering the source of what ails us as male isn’t as helpful or progressive as we might think. Who knows at some point in the future maybe people will be able to openly say that sexism against men and misadry exist without someone swooping in to quantify it, dismiss it, or reframe it so that women are the real victims. Do you know that this… Read more »
DJ, some further thoughts on this… The point of my article (and its three examples) was this: Sometimes women reinforce patriarchy, too. You don’t need to be a man to do that. When women do it in a relationship to my daughter, then they are a female role model that supports the stereotype, instead of negating it. The first example also demonstrates that sexism has negative results for men, too. Patriarchy sucks no matter who is pushing it. However, there is a chance you and I might part ways on other aspects of sexism between the sexes. For example: suggesting… Read more »
I agree that sexist systems put pressure on boys and men too. But the pressure to be a “gentleman” is a very small thing compared to being told you can’t do certain things. A boy doesn’t have to fight for the choice to be a gentleman; tradition may expect it of him, but the choice is free. In contrast, a girl does have to fight for the choice to pursue rocketry (for example); tradition very strongly pressures her not to, and doesn’t want to even give her the choice. The former is a few drops of rain; the latter is… Read more »
“But when you compare a guy not going into an elementary school teaching job because of the likelihood of being looked up as a pedophile to a woman going into STEM things look a bit different.”
True. For example, at my church, men are allowed to work as teachers or assistants in the children’s programs (I do) and can do everything except change a child’s diaper. Only women are allowed to do that. Why?
I think we can agree that sexism is dangerous to everybody.