Michael Dorman started dating after his divorce. And learned about loss all over again.
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Here is an interesting thing about dating after divorce, or the second time around. We all know we are going to get hurt, but we all want it anyway. It’s like learning to ride a bike again: you know there will be skinned knees, but you know that after enough bumps and bruises you will succeed and it will be awesome.
I met her at the climbing gym, and I referred to her as the smiley girl climber (sgc). She was awesome and I liked her from the start. She climbed well, she looked great in yoga pants and she gave off that sensuality that so few women do. I asked her out for coffee to chat and see if we “clicked”. She thought that was funny and said yes.
From that afternoon coffee it moved fast. There was a fantastic dinner out complete with the little black dress (which she rocked). She asked me to order for the both of us and didn’t bat an eyelid when I ordered venison. There were climbing dates and there was afternoon tea. We were both busy with our own lives but sometimes we’d just meet at Whole Foods, grocery shop together, and steal kisses in the produce section.
The kisses were particularly sweet and tender. The kind you remember from high school but don’t think you get after 30. Holding her hand was as natural as breathing. Her touch was electric. Only one other woman I’ve ever known has had that kind of sexual power in her touch. We’d sit by the fire with our arms wrapped around each other and talk about nothing. Later, after we’d part for the night, she would text me to say she “still had my smell on her” and I’d reply that “I could still feel her touch”. I can still feel her touch.
We had one night of passion and it was amazing. In my book, the passion scale goes from 1 (for weird Mormon people who have sex through a hole in a sheet) to 10 (for crazy like a porn star). After 10 years of marriage to a 4, I was (ahem) excited to find a woman who ranked higher on the scale than I do.
We were 110% compatible in 9 out of 10 categories. We both knew it, but we both also knew it was moving too fast. She was the one who wanted to slow down. I was OK with slow, why not take our time and enjoy the fall? She was wounded, conflicted, she didn’t know what she wanted. I told her the truth as I heard it from my own heart. “I ain’t so afraid of losing a thing; that I don’t even want to try and have it.” She didn’t think it was cute when I said ain’t. We forged ahead.
She had a sadness to her that somehow made her more real. It reflected the wounds I still hold and it brought us closer together. I told her my stories but never truly bared my soul. She held her own pain more closely and I let her stay quiet. It never felt right to press her and I knew with time it would come out. What came out in the end wasn’t what I expected, it was better, but it was also worse.
She was still married, separated but married. I saw the red flag flying there and I knew the end was coming. She didn’t see it, or didn’t want to admit that she did. Another week went by, too fast. Still there was kissing, holding hands, texting. She met my kids and she liked them. They liked her and I thought “well maybe this is going forward”. She texted me one Tuesday: “can I see you? just a few minutes for a hug and a kiss? I miss your touch”. We sat and drank tea, holding hands. She put my fingers to her lips while we talked, my heart pounding so loud I thought the whole world could hear it. She liked me, she was getting used to the idea of “us”. We made plans for the next day. She would cook me dinner at her place. She was an awesome cook, organic, healthy, full of life. Her cooking was somehow just like her smile.
♦◊♦
Wednesday hit like a fucking nuclear explosion. “My husband called, he wants to talk and try and get back together. I owe it to him to listen.”
She’d been honest with me, and I with her. Yet there we were like two kids whose dad just walked in and caught them making out on the sofa. What could I say? “No. Don’t try and work things out with your husband”? I was the loser here and I knew it in an instant. She still didn’t see the end that was coming so quick. She texted me about her conflicted feelings. I told her to “follow the path her heart revealed to her.” Divorce is a lonely process. I told her the truth as I know it. “For me it was the hardest loneliest time of my life and my ex was horrible to me and treated me like shit. I can’t imagine how much harder it is in your situation where there are still positive feelings. I suppose no matter what you decide to do, you will always have those feelings, and that ain’t a bad thing.”
She thanked me for my thoughts, “whatever happens, could we still be friends?” I already knew where I stood even if she didn’t have the courage to say it out loud. “No we won’t be friends. Spending time with you would only reopen this wound. Because truthfully losing you will be a wound. Not one I regret getting and I wouldn’t change a thing, but a wound nonetheless.”
We said our goodbyes. She was sad and I was numb.
So I will hum alone, too far from you. All that I say now is nothing to you. We will lie under different stars, I am where I am and you’re where you are, you’re where you are.
Goodbye smiley girl climber.
Time to get back on the bike.
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photo: aimeecustis / flickr
I so totally understand exactly what you are going through. I have been in this same situation where the guy was separated and did this. It’s devastating and feels like the rug was pulled out from under you. I have thought about being “friends” but it feels like a consolation prize. Each day gets easier.
I think dating after divorce is never easy and our first is easily the one where we, however cautious, also idealize that first person very much. There is an element of fantasy what-ifs and over-romanticization or at least a sense of desperation in our need or desire to connect and attach and that comes through in your writing very strongly. Sadly… she was dishonest with you from the start and that says a lot about her character unfortunately. In my 8+ years of single parenthood and three significant relationships, my children have only known one man as my boyfriend and… Read more »
This was well-written and I am sorry for the pain that you are going through. One thing: the next time you want to tell someone that they should choose you, do that. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Sometimes, your sensitive response to the situation can be seen as a sign of secret apathy. Just a thought. Good luck the next go round.
I don’t understand all the ….encouragement. The guy knew the woman was still married, why did he even start it? I don’t get people who try to have it with married or separated people. They are not even ready for a relationship, they are going thru too much stuff of their own.
Not surprised by the ending, but am surprised by encouraging “understanding” comments. What’s there to encourage or understand?
Put a lump in my throat. So raw and so beautiful that it hurts.
This left me feeling sad and connected at the same time. Connected with the desire we all feel, and the brave efforts we make to satisfy the desire, and the cost that sometimes comes with that. I hope you’re well, author, and I hope she is too.
Thank you Michael. I can relate to your situation. I’m divorced after 23 years. I had a similar situation. We met, went for coffee, started texting, hanging out, holding hands, stealing kisses. After about a month, I was really hopeful to take it to the next level. She sensed it, and said “I was really nice, she hoped we could be friends”. My first reaction was “Absolutely NOT!”. But then I thought “I’m trying to build a network of friends as well as establish an intimate relationship. So, do I want this woman as a friend even if I can’t… Read more »
Rest assured, you will haunt her. She’ll always wonder what her life would be like if they had stayed with you. I’m just sayin’
An eminently poetic reply there to an eminently tragic story.
Though if I might tempted to remind:
Ghosts haunt.
But it’s the living that must endure, and persevere, and prosper.
Do so.
Beautiful, brave & raw. Rock on brother!
Chin up, brother! Chin up!
Simply beautiful.
You made the right choice. So did she. You were both honest with one another and that matters much. There will be more opportunities if you seek them out. Best wishes.
Wow, that brings back memories. This articulated very well what it is like when you find someone afterwards. Losing someone after a divorce in such a manner can be painful for both their loss and the memories it stirs of your divorce, but as you said, you get back on the bike.
This moved me to tears, I feel for you…. I hope you find someone that you wont be afraid to fall for again…..and I hope it works out
That is cool, sad, awesome, and rough all mixed up into one.
My “rebound girl” after my separation is an interesting thing to look at in the rearview mirror as she cut things off after going from friends to a two night stand and it’s actually a good thing.
It wasn’t a good fit. But, I was so lonely, I compromised.
And I won’t have to worry about doing that again…