Jenny Glick offers some unexpected advice. She think this is less about what he is doing and more about how she can respond.
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My boyfriend comes from a very free, open relationship, and I am nothing like that. We have been dating for a year, now, but he’s a little too sexual. We have awesome sex, but it’s like it’s not enough for him. He has no problem telling me he is turned on by another woman (it could be Iggy Azalea, a woman on the bus, or a woman in a porn. It makes no difference), and it really bothers me.
He has made a lot of changes, but I just can’t stand it. The first thing I told him when we started dating was that I would only be in an exclusive relationship and he had no problem, but he was a disaster. He had softporn wallpapers on the computer, and would talk to me about how hot other women were in very explicit ways.
I am not like him. I love him and only want him. I still find other men attractive, but not in this manner. I have never dated anybody like this, either. I repeat, he changed a lot, but it still makes me uncomfortable, and fearful. I literally cannot listen to Katy Perry or Iggy Azalea anymore, and I am afraid to go to the beach with him. What can I do? Which is the correct way to face this?
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Dear Reader,
Listen to your instincts with this. If you feel uncomfortable, than talk about it, face it head on with your partner.
Sex in a healthy and mature relationship is a fantastically fun and emotionally intimate thing. Sex in a relationship that is maturing but is still young is often pitted with land mines. The work of a committed relationship is to bring these tough issues to the forefront and engage in these potentially difficult talks together.
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You might say, “I feel hurt when you comment about other women’s bodies.” Own how you are feeling — this is about you and focus less on what he is doing.
Often I hear people say, “I feel…like you don’t find me attractive.” This is not a feeling. This is blame cloaked as a feeling. Do your own work to figure out your feelings…sad, hurt, and scared are usually a good place to start.
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Your partner may respond by being attentive and listening to your feelings. He may get angry and belittle what you say. It is common to get defensive, angry, or to shut down in these kinds of conversations.
They way that you express your feelings and his responses tell you a lot about the developmental stage of your relationship and what you both still have to learn together to be in a mature, committed relationship together.
That desire to attack or run away means that you and your partner have some work to do individually and together to grow your relationship in to what you both want it to be.
It would be very easy to make this about his “problem” with sex, sex addiction, or whatever he has going on. But instead, what if you make it about your own growth?
- Where is it that you are shutting down your own knowing or your voice?
- When you feel uncomfortable with something that he says or does, do you hide it?
- Are you passive aggressive about it?
- Do you try to do even more or have even better sex so that he isn’t looking at other women?
If any of these statements apply, then it would be worthwhile to consider the ways that you may be enabling his behavior or are unwilling to set a boundary that is important for you. It is your job to set the boundaries that you need in the relationship.
Learn more about The GMP Relationship Fix Column
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Photo: Jack Marion/Flickr
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What i do not realize is in fact how you’re now not actually a lot more well-favored than you may be now.
You are so intelligent. You already know thus considerably when it comes to this
topic, produced me individually imagine it from so many various angles.
Its like women and men don’t seem to be interested unless it is something to do with Girl gaga!
Your personal stuffs excellent. Always deal with it up!
I would find this disrespectful at the very least. I notice women all the time, but don’t bring it up publically in front of my wife. Having said that, re: his other likes, no gets to infuse their likes on anyone else to control them. If he has more focus on sexuality then so be it. It’s his computer or calendar or whatever. She doesn’t havr yhe same level of intensity, and that’s fine too. In the end it will all come down to trust, and if she needs a more like her kind of guy then she should move… Read more »
I agree with Jen’s comments above. I’m also highly suspicious that he may cheat on you at some stage – particularly if you’re pregnant or have a small baby and go through a time of decreased sexual activity together.
This advice is kind of lame. Why on earth does she think she’s “in love” with this guy? he sounds like a jerk. No one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who belittles them. And by constantly pointing out to your partner how attractive other people are, you are belittling yur partner by implying they don’t measure up. of course we all feel attraction to others, but throwing it in your oartner’s face is mean. Also, honey, you can’t change people. You think he’s changed … he hasn’t. Either you are seeing what you want to see, or… Read more »
I went through nearly the exact situation 20 years ago. It was horrible. The most horrible aspect was the feedback and advice I got from everybody, which was: “Oh, that’s what men are like. Better face it. No one woman is going to be enough for any one man,” and even worse: “Don’t worry so much. It doesn’t mean anything. He’s just wired that way,” My reaction to this kind of support was to lash back. Pretty soon he was as oversensitive and trigger-ridden as I was. I’d make SURE I turned my head to look at other guys. I… Read more »
I think the advice to be introspective and proactive is great. The pitfall is that she might blame herself or be too accomodating. What also concerns me is that the bf doesn’t seem to be concerned/respectful of her feelings. Big red flag.
He may not be compatible with you but do keep in mind that being turned on is a very basic thing. It doesn’t have the level of power that love n true romance does on top of sexual attraction. Think of it as being turned on as a 1, being turned on in love as 1 million.
I think you should find a new one
Sometimes the only way to get someone to see where you’re coming from is to put them in your shoes. She should start talking about how hot guys are in explicit sexual detail. She should put pictures on her computer of very hot men. His reaction to this will tell her a lot about how open he really is. Most men are very comfortable with trying to incorporate other women into their fantasies and discussions with their female partners. Not as many are very comfortable when they are forced to confront the same in their female partners.
Nice, Jenny. Totally agree with this: “It is your job to set the boundaries that you need in the relationship.” and “But instead, what if you make it about your own growth?” Growing in our own confidence and clarity of our values doesn’t include trying to change others. But it DOES include confidently and lovingly letting them know where we stand. This means figuring out where we stand and what is not negotiable for us. In this case she must decide if his behavior is unacceptable. She must make a choice about what she will and won’t put up with… Read more »
Thanks for your comment, Steve. Yes, relationships are the ground where we get to grow ourselves — often into better versions of ourselves — when we allow the relationship to work us a bit.