Shame is so ugly, it’s the least studied human experience. We don’t want to touch, talk, read, or think about it. John Harrison, a licensed counselor, explains why.
A new couple coming to me for counseling greet me at the door to my office for their Monday 11 a.m. appointment. They enter with a polite “hi, nice to meet you” and a smile. Jason and Melanie sit on the couch together and fill out the consent paperwork cooperating in a manner which gives an impression of a normal, healthy relationship.
But something isn’t right.
Melanie sits staring at me intensely, waiting to speak. Jason looks at the floor, to the wall behind me, and then quickly finds the floor again. I ask what brings them in to see me and the flood gates open. Quickly, Melanie is in tears telling me of the on-going relationship Jason was having with an out of town co-worker. Last week she caught him sending the other woman an e-mail detailing their next planned meet up.
Once Good Men Doing Terrible Things
“I just don’t understand,” Melanie says, between choking back her tears. “This is not the man I married!” I glance at Jason and I can tell he’s in what I would consider a “major shame attack.” He’s in shock of the reality of what he’s done and blankly staring past me.
He is mentally detached from both me and his wife.
Jason is just as traumatized as his wife is. Married eight years with two young children and a beautiful wife, none of that could stop him from allowing what he says was “harmless flirting” to become a full blown affair. Now he’s left with more questions than answers and a suffocating sense of shame.
“How could someone do this?”
The truth is this is not an answerable question. The answer of “it was fun and exciting” doesn’t go over well. But that is often the truth. When it comes to infidelity, there is no good excuse or answer. The cheating partner often feels they are now, deep down, a terrible person. Fair? Maybe. Deserving? Perhaps. There’s an unavoidable sad truth in situations of adultery. The shame from the infidelity ends up being just as harmful to the relationship healing as the infidelity itself.
Why Shame is Hard to Deal With
Shame is ugly. It’s so ugly, it’s the least studied human experience from a psychological perspective. We don’t want to touch, talk, read, or think about it. Even researchers don’t want anything to do with it. It’s part of the human experience but we react to it very much the same way we’d react to having a disease. It’s that awful.
It is apparent in my sessions with Jason and Melanie that Jason is a shameful person. Even before he married Melanie. It’s his negative sense of self that was a big reason he sought attention outside his relationship. Feeling shame has been a problem for him in the past but what he’s feeling now could paralyze him, push him away, or simply end his marriage.
How Men Use Shame in a Destructive Manner
I’ve watched men deflect their true thoughts and feelings from their partners because they do not think they are entitled to them.
- Men can physically isolate themselves because of shame. Hiding in basements or “man caves” is seen as “normal.”
- Men can distance themselves emotionally from their partners because they were simply never taught how to be intimate.
- When desperate to get away from feelings of shame men can tend to express their insecure feelings by blaming their partner, or raging on them in anger to regain control of the situation or conversation.
- It’s common for men attempt to shut down and give up trying to make their relationship better because of feelings of shame.
Using “Healthy Shame” for Self Growth
We all know what shame feels like. Unless you are one of the few people who are incapable of being empathetic, you know how paralyzing it can be.
Shame does have a useful function. It can show us that our actions that have led to becoming shameful are not congruent to our true selves. Our true selves are the part of self that is sensing the shame. When we know we are “good people” who have acted outside of our true selves, we don’t have to become our shame. This relationship with shame is called “healthy shame.” When shame is used in this manner, it can promote self growth, understanding, and healing.
Healing From Infidelity
A few sessions into our couples counseling, I begin work with Jason to relate to the part of himself that he knows he can be. Jason and I spend much of the next two sessions making a different meaning for his relationship with shame. He’s learning to use his shame as a reminder of how he doesn’t want to behave anymore, instead of taking his shame on as his identity. Melanie is supportive of Jason doing this as long as he agrees to work on their relationship. No more isolation and no more angry outbursts. She wants him to be responsible for his actions but also to heal enough to be the husband she knows he can be. Now he has to want it too.
“Own the shame, Jason, but don’t become it,” I say. He nods in agreement.
Nurturing the “Little Boy”
Ultimately, the scared and immature boy that committed the adultery is faced with a challenge. It’s the man’s responsibility to nurture and parent himself. He must work to nurture and love that “little boy.” It is nobody’s job but his own, fully stepping into the person he is by stepping into his shame. It’s a curse and a gift that he has bestowed upon himself, and it’s his responsibility to make a choice.
Shame is a catalyst. A relationship can go one way or another. Shame can further destroy self and relationships or it can promote growth and healing. Infidelity is indeed a horrible thing. It destroys marriages and families.
Shame, left untreated, can be passed down generations. My hope is that more men decide to take the steps to step into their shame to become better men, husbands, and fathers.
(The characterizations in this article are fictitious. The story described is a compilation of my various experiences in working with couples and their experiences with infidelity and shame.)
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Photo: Jerry “Woody”/Flickr
Thank you for this article. It fits well with what I have seen unfolding in my marriage. It is my belief every emotion can be used to better ourselves.
Thank you so much for this article. I am a Couples Therapist and see “shame” as a real stumbling block in the healing of the relationship. I have seen attitudes change once the man or woman understands they made a “bad” choice, but they are not a “bad” person. There is a process we use to heal the relationship and if followed …it is very effective. Much of the barrier for the one who has stepped outside of the relationship is shame, grief and confusion. I am a Brene Brown fan…but feel she has a much larger female following than… Read more »
Thanks for your comments, Debera. I’ve noticed the same thing too. In the case of infidelity, much of the time if it’s concerning the man, the infidelity is a result of grandiose behavior. In this case shame can be used in a healthy way to help men move down from grandiosity and into seeing self as “same as” and not “better than”. When we are looking at someone being shamed and they feel “less than” we want to help that person bring themselves up from shame and drop the “unhealthy” state of shame.
Thanks for your willingness to discuss healthy shame. Shame, after all, helps us cohabitate. I for one want people to feel too ashamed to commit acts of abuse, for example.
Shame experienced as “I am bad” is toxic. Making the shift to seeing our shame as “I’m not good enough to belong” opens our eyes to looking at what we (and those we care about) hold up as ideal. This is the tool I use to help make that shift: http://www.shametranslator.com
Thanks for reading, Kristina! I will definitely check out your site!
Hi John,
Thank you for writing this article.
It brings up a new view of an imporant, but as you point out, rarely talked about or researched subject.
My thoughts when reading the article were, that in one way it’s kind of pity you brought it up with regard to infidelity. Because it’s a subject that most people have a very strong opinon that we should be ashamed about it. And it might kind of distract from the discusssion you want to have about the shame itself. If you catch what I’m getting at?
Thanks for reading! I see what you’re saying in regards to the context that I am mentioning shame. I think you would agree that, by far, most of the shame we experience is imposed on us from cultural norms, family baggage, etc. So that’s shame that we’re taking on that isn’t ours. Body image, breastfeeding in public, etc. Imagine that there is a middle line that is “same as”. It’s where we know we are no better or worse than anyone else, we are all of value. Sure we have varying talents but our lives are just as valuable as… Read more »
I appreciate everyone reading the article! I also appreciate the comments on the concept of “healthy shame”. I certainly do not disagree with different viewpoints on the experience of shame because I just try not to see things in absolutes. Whatever we want to call the experience of “shame”, the importance is that it is transcended from a sense of “being” to something ” I did”. Then it’s more likely we can recover from it. So, some of that is just the term I chose to use. So “healthy shame” would be the transcendence away from “I am a bad… Read more »
I also disagree with the term “healthy shame”, from the Perspective of Brene Brown’s work who has studied shame extensively and written several books on it. There is no such thing as healthy shame. Shame is “I am a bad person”, which invites us to feel worse, whereas guilt is “I did a bad thing” which can motivate us to change our behaviours.
Well said, John. I’ve seen the same thing many times personally and professionally.
Thanks, Sharon!
I have to respectfully disagree with your theory of “healthy shame.” It seems to me shame stems more from what we are taught and told how to behave throughout our lives rather than from our true selves. So, it seems that shame grows more out of the conflict between what we have been taught and told and our true selves.
Thanks for reading, Karen!
I don’t disagree with you and I love your angle concerning viewing and processing shame.
Question for you. If a man commits adultery and doesn’t feel shame, is that healthy? Is there a way that he can use the feeling of shame, not to punish himself, but to awaken the better man within?