Christian Pedersen describes two simple steps that separate you from connecting with a partner who is distancing herself.
—
Recently I had a very common conversation with a man who came to me for “woman coaching.” He was having a hard time with his new bride. He’s a great man, trying his damnedest to do the right thing with his new family.
He would take initiatives to have their relationship work out better, like coming up with mutual agreements, or sitting down to plan the vacation, or talking about how he could best be of support for her with her teenage kids. And I’ll tell you, it’s admirable that he was taking the lead on difficult topics like these. Many women out there would die for a man to do that!
But when this man did it, his wife would either get angry and go off at him, or withdraw and “get busy” elsewhere—with the kids or the kitchen, or some other practical chore.
He also told me about his new wife, that she’d come out of a marriage with a man who “wasn’t all there,” meaning he was hardly ever home, and she was left to take care of everything concerning kids, family, house, food, school, basically everything except for work and money.
Bust most of all, he loved his new wife strongly. He was willing to do anything to make it work, anything to make her happy.
He just didn’t know what.
Here’s where to start in a situation like that. First, he needed to know some woman basics.
When your wife, or any woman in a similar situation, has been accustomed to taking care of everything and everyone, she has been forced to step into her own masculine.
|
Here’s what I told him: When your wife, or any woman in a similar situation, has been accustomed to taking care of everything and everyone, she has been forced to step into her own masculine. The masculine side of her is what is activated when she needs to deal with three different kids and their schedules, get to their appointments on time, while coordinating doctors visits, making sure there’s food enough in the house and set aside time to cook it, while dealing with her mom who need help in her house, while …. She’s in “getting-it-done” mode, “taking-care-of-business” mode.
When a woman has to reside so long in her masculine—perhaps never getting to let go and rest into her feminine side—it has some pretty significant side effects. In our seminars, when we ask women what happens when they have to step into masculine, they use words like, “I have to close my heart,” “I harden myself to get things done,” “I put on my armor,” “I disconnect from my softness”.
A woman who’s aware of this balance, and who lives with a present powerful man, can freely move in and out of feminine and masculine whenever appropriate or desired. But a woman who’s lived with a “not all there” kind of man, never gets to relax into softness, femininity or vulnerability.
So, back to our friend, the newlywed man. I told him to do just two simple things:
1. Make your presence tangible for her.
That means, many times during the day, go up to her and hold her shoulders, or put your arms around her and look her directly and lovingly in the eyes. Say, “Hi honey. I’m right here. You don’t have to do everything yourself. I’m here for you,” or simply, “Ooh, you are so beautiful! I love you!”
Doesn’t have to take more than 10 seconds, but she will feel your presence.
2. When she goes off at you about something, don’t take it personally and start explaining, discussing or defending.
“But how do I not take it personal when she’s talking about me?” was naturally his next question. Don’t interact with the content of her words, just consider it a stream of emotion or energy she needs to release. It’s just emotion, nothing else. Don’t interact with it. Just remain totally present with her, don’t leave the room because you don’t like the content of her words. Never mind the content of her words. There are other times for that.
When she’s going off, just remain powerfully present while she spews. Pretend you’re the cliff the ocean is throwing its waves at. It keeps throwing water at you, but you remain rock-solidly present, unfazed, unalarmed.
That’s it for now. Try it out, and let me know how it worked and what you think!
[photo: via Ed Yourdon on flickr]
What do you do when she asks you to leave the room? She says she needs her space
Hi again, Christian. Sorry for the late reply. This conversation kinda fell off the wagon, sorry for that. Still, you describe a man who’s ready to do anything to have his new relationship (even marriage!) to work. But I don’t see even an hint of her even wanting to be with him. I mostly wonder why they got married in the first place? Did he feel he was at a rough spot, and thought things would improve if he really “committed” to her? And regarding you first simple thing: How do you make your presence tangible for someone who just… Read more »
Hey Everyone, Christian chiming in here (I’m the author). Wow, I can see I struck a nerve. Thanks all, for speaking out, that’s great! First, let me add a few clarifiers: – Of course, both partners in any type of relationship deserves to be treated with love and respect! – Yes, any generalization has the danger of … well, generalizing and certainly doesn’t cover any and every relationship – The ideas I’m giving don’t in any way mean you shouldn’t figure out a way to deal with your problems or talk respectfully with each other – that’s just not what… Read more »
Hi Christian and thank you for your come-back. However, in your article you described “a great man, trying his damnedest to do the right thing with his new family.”. Nowhere was it even suggested that he was regularly running late, or in any other way that HE was the source of her frustration. Quite the opposite, she was described to either get angry with him or withdraw from him precisely when he was taking initiatives to have their relationship work out better! You even go to lengths describing the situation with a woman being used (from a former relationship) to… Read more »
Hey FlyingKai, You’re right, I didn’t mean to say that is was his fault, somehow. And what can seem like “punishing him” is also just a situation where heated emotions and words erupt, which happens even when no one “did” anything particularly upsetting. One of the main points here is that you as a man may be faced with emotional intensity from your woman partner. Now, if you go strictly by the contents of her words, it’ll appear to be either about something you did, something her ex did, something that went wrong, and you could choose to engage in… Read more »
Hi again, Christian. Sorry for the late reply. This conversation kinda fell off the wagon, sorry for that. Still, you describe a man who’s ready to do anything to have his new relationship (even marriage!) to work. But I don’t see even an hint of her even wanting to be with him. I mostly wonder why they got married in the first place? Did he feel he was at a rough spot, and thought things would improve if he really “committed” to her? And regarding you first simple thing: How do you make your presence tangible for someone who just… Read more »
How to Be With Your Partner When She Pushes You Away (in 2 Steps)
There should really only be one step: Don’t!
Anyone trying their damnedest to do the right thing with their partner and getting mostly scorn and berate in return, should seriously consider the alternatives.
And it’s not about “stepping up” either. Cause it sounds like that’s precisely what this man was trying to do. Just a darned shame they’re newly-weds.
But, be sure to let us know how it worked out.
I’m 40, no kids, a millionaire and I have a new girlfriend about 1/2 my age every month or two and I never have these problems! You don’t have to make it work! Get a new one! Quit having kids!
Wow…. this is the biggest load of hooey I’ve read in awhile. Strength = men, vulnerability = women????? This is why the stereotypes are there… because people like you propagate them. And to tell someone to just let someone go off on you?! She is an adult. Regardless of her past issues or emotional being, she needs to treat him with respect. And he needs to insist on that respect or he will never get it from her. And the crap about starting off the compliment by only noticing a physical aspect (Oh you are so beautiful!)… ridiculous. Don’t you… Read more »
Christian, keep up the good work and good challenges. I could join you in discussing and defending the “David Deida-ish” message you include in the article. But the advice and challenge to people to step up is sufficient without that perspective. Spouses, male or female, have the power to make a choice to be stronger, less reactive, more supportive, more understanding, more self-aware, more compassionate, and more generous. Whatever perspective you choose to help you realize this and actually DO something different tomorrow morning is the right perspective. It’s the DOING that scares most people away from personal growth. Many… Read more »
This touches on some things very well, but is challenged in some places. You might want to check out Dr. Robert Moore’s books on the dynamics of masculinity – just to more evenly clarify “male-femininity” and “female masculinity.” Otherwise you’re in danger of sounding sexist by assigning toughness lop-sidedly to guys. I’d also be rrrrrreeeeeeeally careful about the advice toward the end – the whole “When she goes off… don’t interact with the content of her words.” My friend, that is a creme-de-la-creme way to piss off a spouse! Anyone who reshuffles another’s intentions in a marriage like that is… Read more »
Hi Matt, Context matters. If she/he is spewing destructive, disrespectful words at you and the marriage, the BEST thing to do is to not react to them and take them personally. This is what not responding to the content means. A man/woman should not let themselves be dragged into bad behavior and is best served by standing strong and addressing the behavior by stating your values and boundaries. Who cares if he/she gets pissed?! Caring about that is the VERY reason guys and gals turn into mush buckets. Stand up to him/her and immediately improve respect and attractiveness. No apologies… Read more »
I thought this site was about eliminating the limiting and stereotypical notion that being “tough” is “masculine” and being “soft” is “feminine.”
They are stereotypes for a reason. Of course men can be soft, and women can be tough, (should be, even!) and that isn’t outside the understanding of the author. Don’t take it so seriously. Fact is, each gender is typically more prone to different things, while having all qualities inside them. Some are just naturally emphasized more. And that’s okay.
^^Assuming that there’s something “natural” about masculinity being tough and femininity being soft *is precisely the problem.* Not ok AT ALL, and the comfort with which someone else comes along and tells those bothered by it to just stop taking it so seriously – lighten up – wow, the joke just captions itself. What’s up with this overly simplistic gender-binary sex-role stereotype stuff that I thought this project was actively engaged in critiquing? I am very disappointed in this article for those faulty unstated assumptions alone, never mind the practical utility of the advice (which is seriously questionable). It’s possible… Read more »
So “masculine” means industrious and self-reliant, while “feminine” means lazy and vulnerable? I agree with much of the author’s ideas but hate his choice of words. Anyone who reads this website knows that ALL people, men and women, have deep reserves of strength AND need the help of others at times. It has nothing to do with masculinity and femininity.
This is bullshit. Being a woman does not give her the right to treat her husband poorly. Expecting a man to just sit there and take it is wrong.
He’s not saying that.
When a woman’s emotions boil over, it’s better for a man to let her get it out, and then comfort her when she’s done.
And that has nothing to do with “just sitting there and taking it”. It’s strength, humility, and understanding. Fighting back, interrupting her, trying to “explain” or make it better is what a man does when he feels he has to “act like a man”. It’s much better to just be one.
Really? “Let her get it out and comfort her when she’s done”? Reverse the genders and it qualifies as ‘Emotional Abuse’!
Because the perfect couple never feels anything and never fights and comes to each other completely free of wounds and baggage. AMIRITE?!?
Exactly. The man deserves to be treated with lovingkindness and respect and when wife fails, time
to kick her to the curb.
Ahh you have any good words for when you are the woman in this scenario? I am a single parent previously in a bad marriage (my son has a half sister about 5 months younger than him). I realize this is the Good Men Project I’m asking here. I find myself pushing away my long-time boyfriend although I know it’s upsetting to all three of us, me, him, and ultimately my son.
Hi Wilhelmina, Thanks for asking! Do I understand it correctly that you feel you’re the woman “going off” at your boyfriend? If no, please correct me. (And if you’d like to ask more specifically than you can in this public forum, please feel free to contact me via my website: http://www.loveworksforyou.com.) If yes, consider what you’re truly attempting to accomplish when you do. Might it be something like you just want to be closer to him? To feel him more? To have more good times with him? That you’re scared it’s not going to go well? If you can get… Read more »
Um, wow. One of those short and sweet articles read to kill 30 seconds, left with a real insight into how she works. Has really struck a nerve – and for that, I thank you.
Thanks for that! That’s awesome!
Christian