Yes, You Can Find Earth-Shattering Love After a Break-Up or Divorce

 This time you get to rewrite the rules.

It’s ominous in post-divorce dating land; there are too many online dating sites to count, and apparently, if you do venture out, there are profile writing coaches to assist your efforts because in this saturated market, you’ll be lucky to get a swipe right. Since my divorce was just finalized, I’m in no hurry, and although my friends smile and nod when I say I won’t do online dating, I don’t see what other options there are for a stay-at-home mom and writer who hasn’t been on a date since 1997. Yes, you read that right.

♦◊♦

There was no Tinder, no OKCupid, or Match.com, and we didn’t even text. Cell phones weighed five pounds. Everywhere you look now, there are online sites with ratings and swipe options and photos of men holding giant fish and women in bikinis and profiles. What happened to meeting at a company meeting, smiling across the room and eventually going out for coffee? It’s a different world.

First marriages are, in fact, remarkable wake-up calls and learning experiences.

Yet, in this different world, I have wisdom, experience, and anecdotal evidence from my first marriage that will guide me to either a happy second union, or an equally happy single life. First marriages are, in fact, remarkable wake-up calls and learning experiences. Yes, it’s painful to live through years of an unhappy marriage. It’s also how many of us learn who we are, what we need, and how we relate to others. So, you, and I, can use what we can to learn about ourselves and our needs, patterns, issues, and values, and allow that knowledge to guide us as we move into our next chapter. And that gives me hope.

♦◊♦

First, there are new rules. In a new relationship, after a difficult marriage, you (and your new partner) rewrite the rules. If you were passive or pushed around in your first marriage, you can start from the beginning in a new more collaborative and assertive role. You make plans, get your voice heard, and assert what you couldn’t in your first marriage. If you and your first partner couldn’t or didn’t grow and change in compatible ways, finding someone new can be liberating from those parts of yourself you have moved away from, grown out of, or have simply chosen to release.

You don’t need to be perfect to be ready. You just need to be ready.

Second, you’re in a new mindset. Both men and women I know who are divorced, talk about exhaustion, hopelessness, and despair from first marriages that made change feel impossible. It is easier to reinvent yourself in a new relationship dynamic. A hard marriage grinds you down. It’s depressing, and after years can feel, and become, literally impossible to make change. Things just get stuck. In a new, healthier, relationship, with a new set of challenges, neuroses, and downsides, of course, you can shed the hopeless habits of mind and being. You can experience new ways of being in love, of being a partner, of allowing yourself to be cared for, and of opening your heart to care for someone in a far deeper way.

Keep in mind, you don’t just magically become a new, healthier version of yourself. If you were in a co-dependent relationship dynamic with a narcissist, for example, you will need to address (theoretically in therapy or with a life coach) your co-dependency issues and, not choose someone with narcissistic tendencies this time, otherwise, you will repeat patterns. That’s why this is a new mindset. It’s about a fresh start.

You can learn remarkable new relationship ways and you can be vulnerable and open for the first time in your life.

Transform yourself from the inside. Anything is possible. Listen to your instincts and think about what got you in trouble in the first place. This is not simple, it may take months, and you may need professional help, but look at it as an opportunity for positive growth. You can learn remarkable new relationship ways and you can be vulnerable and open for the first time in your life. You can rediscover sexuality and sensuality in new relationships. Both men and women can make peace with their imperfect bodies for the first time, well, ever, because you are being cherished in entirely new ways.

You don’t need to be perfect to be ready. You just need to be ready. Divorce is hard. Divorce is a gut punch. Getting involved in a new relationship after a break up takes time and you need to heal and do some emotional work. But you don’t need to be perfect. All the things you thought needed to happen before you felt ready, losing ten pounds, getting a promotion, having more money or getting a new car. None of those mean anything about who you are. None of that has to happen. You get a do-over. And you can choose to get what you need and give what you want.

Escape from the Man Box Premium Member

Looking for a relationship? The Good Men Project promises to have a really good one with your inbox.  Sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter here.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

 

About Jenny Kanevsky

Jenny Kanevsky is a Lead Editor and regular contributor at The Good Men Project. She also writes for Huffington Post. She blogs at In Other Words. Her novel, ChosenQuarry, is available on Kindle. Visit her website jennykanevsky.com for more and follow her on Twitter.

Comments

  1. Hi Jenny.. I like reading your article very much. Though I must say that my marriage life is doing ok, your article however has given me too many insights and made me think twice of the actions I need to do within my marriage. Thank you for the information. It’s worth reading all the time.

  2. ‘Why don’t you meet anyone at a company event anymore’…..only someone that has been out of the corporate world for decades would ask this. Hell, a guy could end up in an HR meeting because girl A didn’t like HOW or HOW OFTEN a guy said ‘Good Morning’ to girl B
    It is an EEOC landmine waiting to spring a sexual harassment snare on the next guy. Shit, we risk the HR talk for the TONE we may have said something. IF at all possible, I never talk to a woman at work, and certainly never alone, and absolutely not of anything other than work. Entirely too hostile of an environment. And as HR IS OVER 70% women, men – you will not find an impartial ear for your side.

  3. After my divorce, I vowed never to allow another woman to trivialise and ignore my needs again.

    Plus, if I get cheated on again (which is how my first marriage ended), I will simply walk away. I’m not going to be the sucker to fight for something that she’s already decided is over.

    • @ Frank,

      A wise man, indeed.

      While my ex wife did not cheat on me, my wants and needs were trivialized, ignored, and dismissed.

      Never again.

  4. Very interesting perspective. I think it’s important to know that there is definitely hope and that it doesn’t come without intense self-reflection if you want things to be different the second time around.

  5. Elizabeth says:

    Thank You so much for this article. I too haven’t dated since the mid 1990’s. I have been divorced for many years, but only recently have experienced the healing process beginning. I don’t feel ready yet, but I am working towards that as my goal.

  6. A very positive message about moving on after divorce. Our lives can go on, but it is up to us to move it forward.

Speak Your Mind

*