Positive changes can start anywhere and are cumulative. At times, change seems to move like a glacier and at others, it happens in the blink of an eye.
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A little over 30 years ago, I was finishing up high school. I wish I knew then what I know now.
There was no commonly used language to describe introverts back then. So other labels applied to people in my situation like shy, brainiac, or lacking confidence.
It wasn’t as if I was entirely solely on intellectual pursuits. I was in the high school band, took shop classes, played sports and even had my own fixer-upper sailboat.
Growing up and into early adulthood, I remember that all the advice was to become like the other outgoing and socially active men; the men I would later learn are extroverted and not shy. Further complicating understanding, some of my fellow students were the classic bullies. Back then you didn’t ask for help either.
Some of it wasn’t bad advice.
The local environment of oilfields, ranchers and cowboys tends to reinforce the tough man stereotypes with which we are all familiar.
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Shyness and introversion are two different things and getting to the point where I can now speak or perform in front of a crowd has helped me. So much so that I now head up a business consulting and software company and teach workshops to entrepreneurs.
But back then, I didn’t know why I didn’t fit the mold.
That is why I was very pleasantly surprised to see this article in the Okotoks Western Wheel titled “School strives to change sexist way of thinking.” with the subtitle “Black Diamond: Parents invited to take different perspective on masculinity” by Tammy Rollie. (The publication serves the Foothills district of Alberta and has both rural and suburban readers.)
This message is one of the big parts of The Good Men Project’s mission and the resulting “The conversation no one else is having.” It is one of the reasons I chose to write for the publication. I want not only help businesses thrive and grow, but do so in a way that is congruent with the people in them, and encourages creating great workplaces.
Central to the article is challenging the stereotypes about masculinity, and the toxic effects those stereotypes have on not only men but the cascading effects on society itself.
Making A Difference
Sexism can apply equally to men. Often we do it to ourselves.
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The local environment of oilfields, ranchers and cowboys tends to reinforce the tough man stereotypes with which we are all familiar.
But people like Paulette Morck (a guidance counselor at Oilfields High School) have this to say:
“When you’re saying to a sensitive boy, ‘be a man’ you are telling him the way he is isn’t right, that it’s not acceptable,” said Morck. “That can be quite damaging.”
They are running a film called The Mask You Live In and have a few special guests for post film panel including a police officer and teacher Conor Hart.
Conor Hart comes from a well-known family of professional wrestlers. The fact that his father encouraged him to be himself speaks powerfully to the potential of letting children follow their own paths.
“One of the reasons I went into teaching is everybody is not lucky enough to have parents like my dad was… You can usually recognize just through conversations that this person is someone who needs to talk or needs that positive mentorship.”
Sexism can apply equally to men. Often we do it to ourselves.
The Workplace
Whether you run a rough and tumble business or a more white-collar enterprise, it is essential that we not only encourage diversity; but discourage those who would destroy it.
Intolerance crushes your ability to innovate.
Diversity, when encouraged the right way in a business, leads to better decisions, innovation, and a culture that can survive the tough times more effectively.
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You can read the article in its entirety in the online version of the Western Wheel.
Photo Credit (modified): Pixabay
Additional Photo Credit: Picture of the article in the Okotoks Western Wheel taken by the author.
Ruiz really is the bomb when it comes to a synopsis of beingness. The 4 agreements is something i try to constantly attain and live by as almost a perfect model of living. Sure helped me become way less attached and freed me from alot of drama.
Ruiz and Ruiz junior definitely shared some great wisdom.
Thanks, Doug.
I’ll be sure to give it a read.
on board with that also Mark. “good enough”.
Yeah, Doug. I ‘m glad that you’d get the gist of my comment, that it was a warning shot across the bow of society, and not a critique of the article. You’ve actually brought a whole new dynamic into the conversation by introducing the added complication of the introverted male. We have to ask what life was like through their eyes, being the deep thinkers that the are, envisioning “The Light Brigade” – “ours is not to question why, ours is but do to and die”. You’ve touched on something else also. I woke up thinking about this in relation… Read more »
Some very profound and deep questions there D.J. “The Five Levels of Attachment” by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. provides a good framework for furthering the discussion. Essentially level 1 is fully unattached and level 5 is fanatical believer. Since we are all wired to fit in, we attempt to adapt to our tribe and belief systems until something moves us out. Sometimes that is our own sense of self and sometimes that is an external event. In terms of moving in and out of the box, the amount it takes to move depends on the level of our attachment and… Read more »
I like many of the comments hete. Good article that is highlighting getting to the crux of being who you are. There is nothing wrong with traditional expression of masculinity and there is also nothing wrong with expressing a different version. As long as it’s keeping in line with who you are and being a good human than i don’t care how you are. I had a teacher once and when asked in normal passing how are you, Bob, his answer was ALWAYS good enough. I took that in and find that that applies to almost everything. Including my sense… Read more »
I like that expression, “Good enough”.
…and Doug. I feel ya. People often ask me how I know so much, or understand so much about so many things. It is because I watch, I listen, I read, I study, internalize…because I’m introverted. I’m the like the 13 step semi outgoing introvert defined in the link below. The internet has been a blessing. It’s given me the ability to put my thoughts in visual form, without having to form then into a speech or lecture. Its actually given me a voice. It often sucked for me before then. Befor the internet I could not even define what… Read more »
D.J. Won’t tell anyone.
I read lifehack I “think” I’m an introvert but everyone tells me that I’m an extrovert.
Masculinity will only change if females decide that is what they want in a man. Men will do what ever females want to be with them. So for men to change females will have to put a premium on the new men. That means females will have to reject the alpha bad boy jerk and seek out the new men.
Until then men won’t change.
Hi J Walter.
I’ve seen young men (and older) acting macho when there are no woman around (I’ve done it). I think part of that is the young buck posturing to figure out pecking orders before you are old enough to realize playing the game is a waste of time.
Not sure women are the sole blame or solution. Just my take.
Cheers.
j walter
“masculinity will only change if females decide that is what they want in a man”.
Look aroung you j walter.
Do you women treated well all over the world and in all cultures?
Was the behavior we saw in Europe in Cologne , men behaving the way women wants?
NO it is not how women want men to behave.
No woman in the different cultures in North Africa,the Middle East, Europe or else where wants men that behave like that.
I think that’s a part of the problem. Men are all too often expected to act according to the desires, whims, and expectations of women. That paradigm has to be broken because look at where its gotten us. Young men are basically confused as to what it means to be a man (partially) because they have been led to believe that women should have a deciding voice in what masculinity should be. This is always why I am very hesitant of so called progressive movements that in one breath say they help men but in the other seek to limit… Read more »
Well color me happy. I’m the bad guy. I’m joking of course, but there is a modicum of truth in that, as Tom alluded to. I’m going to hand the keyboard over to my masculinity for a minute here. I saw, “The mask” a while back . It was interesting, and it was informative, and I’m all for different shades of masculinity. Don’t much care if a guy is gay, effeminate, a truck driver, or a rodeo clown…as long as he is expressing the manly art of finding positive direction in life. I do believe that there are certain things… Read more »
Hi D.J.
I can’t speak for everyone but my personal interpretation is that it shouldn’t be a vilification of any form of masculinity. I see it as a spectrum in any event and we move around on it depending on our frame of mind and current situation. It only becomes toxic when it harms others or expects them to conform to someone’s personal standards.
When at Home Depot I sometimes get asked for building tips by customers so I must appear masculine enough. Thanks for your extensive and well thought out points.
Expecting young boys to conform to an unrealistic feminine or androgynous asexual standard can be just as toxic. I think it is wrong to teach boys to hate their masculine or even their aggressive nature. Their is a lot of strength in our inherent masculinity that we should be prided on not ashamed of. There is something to be said for learning to harness your anger and focus it towards overcoming obstacles and adversity. It is good to allow boys a path to manhood. We don’t all need to cry to be valuable. And we don’t need to be feminine… Read more »
Agreed. That is just as wrong.
I have a couple of things to address and hope that I’m able to communicate it in a way that’s not offensive. “Intolerance crushes your ability to innovate.” Why doesn’t “intolerance” ever apply to the perceived macho image? They always seem to be the bad guys. ““One of the reasons I went into teaching is everybody is not lucky enough to have parents like my dad was… You can usually recognize just through conversations that this person is someone who needs to talk or needs that positive mentorship.” … I totally commend you for caring for these students and in… Read more »
I think the premise is not accepting the quiet over the others, but more accepting who people are so they don’t have to put on a show, or mask.
P.S. I commend you for the work you do in residential treatment.
A great article, Doug. Thanks.
Thanks Mark. Appreciate that.
Doug, thank you. All I would like to see is that “people for who they are” to be all encompassing. Reality set in for me when a friends who for all intense and purposes had the world by the tail. Career, family, looks, he appeared to have everything. We’re still scratching our heads as to why he would kill himself. Never showed as much as a off handed comment about death.
All encompassing, broken people come in all shapes, sized and personalities.
Agreed Tom. Sorry about your friend.Hopefully more openness will allow men to reach out before that happens.