Aaron Tang is no pickup artist. But he’s picked up some nuggets of wisdom about what women want in a man.
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Ten years ago this month, Neil Strauss released his bestselling book: The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. It was the golden era for them. Men who could seemingly approach any woman, charm her, and take her home at will. I was naive and I believed them.
We all know how that “movement” turned out. The last time we heard about pickup artists, it was for all the wrong reasons: misogyny, police investigations, and online petitions. Pickup artistry is dying. And rightly so.
It made its impact though. While traditional pickup is on the fringe, I believe it paved the way for the more wholesome men’s dating advice we have today. And while I can’t condone the extreme views many of them had, some of the things they brought forward actually made sense—at least to me. Here are five of them:
1. Women want Sex too
I don’t know who suppresses it more: culture, religion or tradition.
But in a lot of places around the world, people are still taught that women aren’t supposed to feel sexual. That sex is a “dirty” thing that can only be discussed and decided by men.
It leads to bad things: women feel ashamed of their own desires and their own bodies. And men think they need to swindle their way into a woman’s pants.
Yes, she may not want it exactly the same way you want it, or as often as you want it …. But she wants sex too.
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Yes, she may not want it exactly the same way you want it, or as often as you want it. Maybe she needs commitment before she will take the next step. And it’s likely a more complex emotional process for her than it is for you.
But she wants sex too.
2. Dating is a Numbers Game
I’ve seen too many guys who get hung up over that one “special” girl—that they waste years of their lives not being with someone better. A lot of times, guys need to move on, and move on quickly.
It’s not that every person you date is just a warm, interchangeable body. Or that you should immediately dump anyone who’s less than perfect. But there are more than seven billion people on this planet. And maybe in the city you live in—there are fifty thousand people who are eligible right now.
It’s OK if she’s not available. Or interested. Or if she was once interested but isn’t any more. You can and will love again.
If you let yourself.
3. You can Learn to Flirt
The pickup artists called this “game.”
And you’ve seen this with your own eyes too. Some guys, whether by virtue of nature, practice, or intention just do better with the ladies than others. You can tell by the way women look at them, smile at them, or playfully hit them.
Is it some unfair natural advantage that these guys are born with? Or is it what the whiners will point to: “he’s good looking and rich”?
“Just be yourself,” they say. Which is fine if you have no problems meeting women. It’s bullshit advice if you’re struggling. What if you grew up in a toxic male environment with unhealthy views of women, and had no women to teach you better?
Money, looks, and height will only get you so far.
But genuine social skills—whether it’s public speaking, networking, or flirting—can be taught and improved.
4. Character Determines Your Ultimate Success with Women
So let’s go back to the tall, handsome guy with loads of money.
We see him with a lot of good-looking women. But why is it that he can never settle down or make a relationship work? Maybe he’s just at the stage of his life where he doesn’t want commitments. Fine. A lot of us go through that too.
But maybe he never learned the truth of the game: character is the most important thing.
Men can be taught how to flirt and attract women. But we will never have meaningful relationships until we go much deeper than that.
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Men can be taught how to flirt and attract women. But we will never have meaningful relationships until we go much deeper than that. Bar tricks and jokes are entertaining for a while. But relationships are built on communication, trust, and empathy. Things that don’t come from being shallow.
Some pickup artists eventually realized this, and pivoted to conventional dating advice: not just how to attract women, but how to have great relationships with them.
In the end, good women go for good men.
5. You Have to Face Rejection
On the first evening of my “boot camp” with an ex-pickup artist, we hung out at a club in the heart of Singapore.
There, I shyly tapped women on their arms and said something to them. What I said didn’t matter. What mattered was I approached and said something. I got the full spectrum of responses: warm smiles, neutral statements, and awkward glances. Some women ignored me too.
Rejection was painful.
It’s also the most important thing the pickup artists taught me: to chase your dreams, you have to face rejection. It always feels horrible when it happens. But part of growing up is learning to feel the fear—and then doing it anyway. The more you do it, the better you get at it.
It doesn’t just apply to talking to women though. It applies to everything in life. Whether you’re applying for the job of your dreams, pitching your idea to an investor, or asking your friends to read your blog: all of us have to deal with fear and rejection.
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Last month, I read the popular Vanity Fair article: Tinder and the Dawn of the “Dating Apocalypse”.
It painted a picture of men and women in a bar, staring into their mobile screens, swiping for their next Tinder hookup. It made me think and it made me cringe.
I’m all for technology and how it helps improve our lives. Tinder is wonderful in how it brings a huge number of potential mates right to your mobile phone. But the way Tinder practically eliminates rejection (you only get to talk to people who are interested in you too) is both the best and worst thing about it.
Because I think that certain things the pickup artists taught are still worth remembering.
And that if you gave me the choice to be in a room full of people staring at their Tinder screens, or one where men actually go up and risk speaking to women—I’d hope to be in the room where the brave men are.
Photo—Rolands Lakis/Flickr
You are kidding me right? Are you aware of how much damage the PUA scene has caused? I think your five points are dead on, but right now, the PUA community needs to be hanging its head in shame and cleaning up its stench before it earns back respect.
you are missing the most important point, not everyone is meant to be loved. so the question is why are men hiding from the fact that we need to first find out if we are meant to be loved, it is as if all men are being told that they should try for love. majority of women do not want love or sex or relationships. majority of women are turned off already, why are men trying to please them. just let them be. nothing will come of any of the tricks mentioned. this is utter nonsense. there are other things… Read more »
Great article here. I’d like to add that pick up artistry also allows men to open up their minds and understand that they can be so much more. I always look at it as so much more than just getting into a girl s pants. It’s actually building a better you for the woman you love and people around you.
It’s refreshing to see GMP publish an article that doesn’t trash the PUAs, but that still tells the truth. The PUAs were right about a lot more than five things, but most of them never imagined the firestorm of publicity brought about by Neil Strauss’s book.
I would add to this list their discovery that, although looks do count, it’s much more about style than it is about what a man looks like naked. women want their men to know themselves on the inside, and for that knowledge to be reflected on the outside.
“In the end, good women go for good men.”
True that, as far as it goes. But good women are at least as rare as good men. The vast majority of women are much more attracted to sociopaths as opposed to good men. Which in turn is what makes dating a numbers game. Unfortunately, to turn the numbers in your favor, you need one (and preferably more than one) of the natural characteristics women are attracted to (looks, status, power, $, fame, notoriety, or sociopaths). Otherwise you are looking at a lot of rejection slips
Hey Joseph,
Thanks for dropping by. Your experience resonates with me. I’ve always considered myself on the “sensitive” side of guys too. I think learning to deal with rejection is very essential. But go through it enough, and we realize that the “pain of rejection” is 80% in our heads. Yes it hurts, but it hurts a lot more in our imaginations than in reality. Keep making progress every day, and don’t let your self-esteem be determined by others.
Best,
Aaron
I like what you wrote about rejection. I’ve always been considered a more ‘sensitive’ guy. Most women get approached by the more aggressive guy who wants a challenge. Because of my sensitivity and self-esteem problem, rejection has almost always kicked my ass. But the truth is, finding a healthy way to deal with rejection will help you so much in life! I have made some progress, but honestly approaching women is a relatively new thing for me. Usually we meet through work or school and there is no pressure. So maybe that’s why I struggle. One great help has been… Read more »