When kids come into the picture and time is scarce each parent does what is easiest, so family life will often force you into your gender role by default.
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I feel blessed to live a life in which my husband and I share the household, chores, repairs, and child rearing equally. We don’t have to try, it just comes naturally. I think this is because I know how to do and enjoy the “outside” work, and he likes things neat and tidy. We are both handy (that might be an understatement) and we enjoy all elements of life. If you saw us going out to dinner on a date, we probably look like any artsy couple, a bit creative possibly, but relatively feminine and masculine. I might wear makeup and low heels, he likes cargo pants or jeans, with maybe a tight euro tee (not to say we aren’t genderfluid, we just don’t stand out that way). So why do we seem to be so different than most couples?
I feel blessed to live a life in which my husband and I share the household, chores, repairs, and child rearing equally. We don’t have to try, it just comes naturally.
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When I was a kid my parents gave me real presents, like a tool box for my 4th birthday, with real tools. My home was loving and my environment was rugged and challenging. Mud, trees, dirt bikes, tea sets, bread dough, nails, needlecraft, match box cars, homemade dolls, sketch pads—lots of art—these were the play things and pastimes of my childhood.
When my mom went on a road trip with all three kids, we would find a deserted piece of land and sleep on the ground like gypsies. There is such comfort and security in this sort of travel. You’d be surprised how good it feels when you are comfortable with the earth as your home. Getting lost in the relative wilderness was my favorite pastime, because I loved the challenge of finding my way home. The skills to fix and build and the confidence to kick ass at it just came naturally. Sometimes I’d rather stay active than hole up in the house, other days cleaning is nice and comforting. Either way, I have the ability to do both.
My husband was raised by a feminist mother too. He learned to fold fitted sheets and he has a great since of design. He was attracted to me because I could do or fix anything, because I have self confidence and am emotionally sensitive yet true as steel—although he would say it was just because I am beautiful. I think I rose out of the college pool of potential mates as the one who was creative and would let him burn things, but would also whip his ass in gear emotionally with a will for justice.
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I know some people love their gender roles, but we love not having them. We do have our roles, but they tend to be in how we communicate or the trades that we do around the property.
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I know some people love their gender roles, but we love not having them. We do have our roles, but they tend to be in how we communicate or the trades that we do around the property. He is the painter, I am the plumber, he is the metal worker, I am the electrician. We are both the artists and the scientists, and we both take out the trash, clean the toilet, do the dishes. All of this is done equally, by default, and not through any effort or pre-planned feminist agenda. At least not ours, the feminist agenda was probably our grandparents and parents. By our generation, we couldn’t tell that they programmed us to be equalists. Go Nana, it may have taken a couple generations, but you did it!
I don’t want to give the idea that I don’t enjoy any feminine tasks either. I like to crochet, knit, embroider, sew, and cook (so what if baby showers are my idea of a nightmare – true, I don’t relate to girlie girls; I love to talk about my feelings, just not about your products or skinny jeans). My sewing machine is set up in my room right now, and my husband is in the other room playing with our kid as I write; he is bummed because he had to go back to work after being a stay-at-home dad for nine months, something I totally supported.
…we still embody many of our masculine and feminine traits, but our chores and tasks don’t match the ones assigned to our genders; we take them or leave them as we please.
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We have enjoyed sharing the childcare, too. When I met my husband he was working at his second daycare and considering studying early childhood development. That said, he still is a dude in the since that he drinks beer, lights things on fire repeatedly, and can be overly critical. I am trying to paint the picture that we still embody many of our masculine and feminine traits, but our chores and tasks don’t match the ones assigned to our genders; we take them or leave them as we please.
I think some people get stuck in roles that don’t fit them, and they don’t see any way out. Women put men in the gender box as much as anyone. Some men just aren’t naturally handy, or they are more indoor types, yet they are expected to take out the trash or use the screw gun just because they are guys. Likewise, many women miss out on the fun and creative tasks of repairing the house or the furniture because they didn’t learn the skills early enough. Women expect men to do the work, and they do the nurturing …it is fair, kind of … as long as everyone is happy with their pre-assigned role (I’d fly the coop if someone tried to peg me).
Choosing to embrace gender roles is fine if both parties want to, but sometimes it seems that people don’t believe anything else exists.
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Choosing to embrace gender roles is fine if both parties want to, but sometimes it seems that people don’t believe anything else exists. I tell this story because I want you to know that if you are feminists, and you raise your children equally, you may be surprised at the opportunities that open up in life for them, or what balance and satisfaction they may enjoy from doing tasks not assigned to their gender. For me it keeps life interesting; I tell it because I believe my skills boost my self-worth in areas beyond beauty and home economics; I tell it because I believe men enjoy the freedom they feel around me to be themselves; I tell it so that when you see the cute gal in line next to you, you won’t assume I can’t change my clutch or pour a cement pad or run fragstats for spatial analysis of my dataset.
Having a wide range of abilities offers a lot of freedom to become whoever one pleases, instead of just being stuck on one side of the spectrum because of the skills you were taught when you were young. No matter how much of a feminist you are, when kids come into the picture and time is scarce, each parent does what is easiest, so if you didn’t learn it early, family life will often force you into your gender role by default.
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Photo: Thomas Leth-Olsen/Flickr
Last week, one of our female administrative staff a 50 year old, found that she had a flat tire. She went back into the facility to find male staff to assist. The one that was available was the coordinator of the of one of the residential units who admitted he didn’t know what to do. He went back to the unit and recruited two young men to assists. No more then they put the car up on the jack, it fell. Being that I live about 10 minutes away, she phoned me and I came back. After reviewing the situation,… Read more »