Teaching responsibility is a great thing, but we could all be careful not to rush kids to grow up
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In the 21st century, there are many single parent headed households. With a son and daughter at home, daughter there is a lot to be done. I never try to be the man of the house because I’m simply not a man, but the workload is definitely doubled when you’re the only player in the family game.
Daughters as we know, in many instances, model their mother’s behavior. Sons, of course often model that of dad; but, when dad is only part time or non-existent they often model what they see on television or from others outside the home. Television would have us believe that we all belong in the traditional nuclear family with dad as the head making decisions in the best interest of the family and being the primary provider. Moms are often portrayed as being more liberated on today’s television, but still as the co-pilot to fathers in married or domestic partnership type relationships.
For sons in a single parent homes, it’s a slippery slope trying to teach your son the things he needs to know to be a productive adult as he ages and making sure you aren’t setting him up to feel like he has to be the man of the house at an early age. Boys in many cases are physically stronger than girls so we rely on them to pick up or move heavy things. If there is something like a mouse that gets in from the outside or something gross to deal with many (not all) of us can be squeamish and we can rely on them to take care of it.
Society still pushes us to believe our boys shouldn’t be as emotional as girls because they need to be rough and touch. Some parents don’t even realize they are unintentionally teaching their sons to be emotionally non-existent when they really need to be kids and learn to manage their emotions in a healthy way. When stifling the emotions in children, I often wonder how we expect them to be caring humans as adults. I can’t count the number of times my pre-relationship coaching clients have had a woman tell me part of their needs list includes “I need him to show me emotion but be tough too.” So….what does that mean in laymen’s terms? That is often received as “I need you to have emotions like a light switch and turn off or on without warning.” Boy oh boy, what a recipe for disaster that is!
Because most boys and moms have a relationship bond like no other, it is only natural for them to want to protect the first woman they’ve loved. They don’t want to see her hurt. They don’t want to see her struggle and many of them will do what they can to take those burdens. The concern is when they try to take on what they are not emotionally developed enough to deal with. In this case there are so many risks. It is better for us to become self-aware of our own emotions before we can even think about dealing with those of others. For kids, they look to parents as their foundation, the beam that sustains them and anything that threatens that is a problem. In that they can take on roles that really belong to adults and sometimes parents are so tired, stressed and worn out they can let them.
Here are a few tips on helping your son to enjoy his childhood and not try to be the man of the house before he gets his own house but still learn responsibility:
1.) For each period of work your child is responsible for, give him kid time as well to enjoy his childhood.
2.) Re-prioritize things in your life to allow you to have fun time with your kids.
3.) Try to remain aware of what makes kids happy and what they like to do to have fun.
4.) Don’t make your kids bear the burden of your adult stress.
5.) Remember adult problems can be discussed but have those conversations with adults who can help or support you.
6.) Encourage the connection between your son and positive male role models so when he does become the man of HIS house he knows how to do it effectively.
7.) Don’t be afraid to take classes , go to therapy or learn new things that are traditionally male in nature to manage your own house.
8.) Reach out to men in your community center, church or immediate circle if you need a male to do things your son should not be doing.
Photo: Paul Inkles/Flickr
How would a child recover from this type of child abuse.
Okay first off this isn’t child abuse it’s about him stepping up to help his mom in time of need
Really great points all around. I elaborated on my thoughts here: http://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/hey-single-mom-do-you-tell-your-son-hes-the-man-of-the-house/ To summarize: I know plenty of men who were raised by single moms, and were told by these women and other people in the kid’s orbit that because there wasn’t a dad around, he was the man of the house. The message is: Every house needs a man. Women need protecting. Your gender renders you the boss. You do not have a boss or childhood. You are an adult now because there is no man around. You have responsibilities of a man. That is all so messed up.… Read more »
Agreed, Randy…This can, and often does, amount to child abuse; plain and simple.
Blogger: For sons in a single parent homes, it’s a slippery slope trying to teach your son the things he needs to know to be a productive adult as he ages and making sure you aren’t setting him up to feel like he has to be the man of the house at an early age. — You keep talking about sons in single parent homes. This isn’t about that. This is about sons in single MOTHER homes, and the problem of those single mothers triangulating with those sons, trying to make them their substitute MAN. That is a real problem.… Read more »