Confessions of a Recovered Porn Addict

To prepare myself for writing today I watched some Internet porn.

I felt it would help the spirit of this article if I had re-engaged with my lustier side. To get to the movie I went to a website and two clicks later I was being fed some seriously raunchy cyber-woman. I chose a short online movie entitled Good Girl. I watched it with awareness. Memories of my old porn-addicted ways came flooding back to me.

“Good Girl” was a beautiful Hungarian twenty year old. She was initially interviewed by a tall muscular man who looked like a bit of a thug: my projection. She was then made to stand and turn gently before being bent over for a thorough examination. The camera slowly went in for a close view. Are you still reading this? Did energy move in your pelvis?

He then laid her back and forcefully did her. Shortly thereafter he bent her over, hands behind her back and she was done-to harder. He took what he needed. The hammering was clearly painful, she yelped with every thrust … and it got worse, but you get my drift.

Perhaps writing about porn is porn!

In our world today pornography, sex addiction and the broken ways in the world are all high visibility subjects. I can see something has warped in our culture’s relationship to sex and it is detrimentally affecting the way we all honor men, women and the Earth. This cultural damage is reflected in pornography.

My spurting practice.

Like millions of other well-functioning married men with issues, I turned to pornography. For several years I wanked myself stupid. Time and space was filled with horniness beyond my wildest dreams. Time that might otherwise have been used to be creative, productive, or even just plain bored got devoured by lust. In any moment where there was a desire for some escape from life I scored some porn. You know those moments that arise in us that are pregnant with the need for some conscious introspection? Well I used pornography there, too. Porn consumed me as my life became filled with grasping for pussy.

My fantastical life prospered while my real life was numbed. But where was all that battling of the purple-headed yogurt-slinger taking me?

Our thoughts precede our reality; so perhaps we should be careful with our porno fantasies. Did the cosmic-people who wrote about “The Secret” consider that porn fantasies may have the quality of manifestation within them? What have my fantasies with thousands of porn girls manifested!? In general they manifested jacked up, buzzed feelings that were shortly followed by misery.

My relationship to pornography was double-sided. I loved porn because it allowed me to safely channel my still-considerable sexual energy out of my body—and into empty spurts.

And I hated porn. I couldn’t sniff her, worship her or probe the beauty of her being. I couldn’t feel her essence bathing my wounded masculine to wholeness.

Many men today, both married and single, rub away countless hours of their lives looking for harder, dirtier digital women. It probably hasn’t always been that way, though. There’s no doubt the Internet has played its part in dumbing us all down. Sure, a hard woman is nice every now and then, but you know what? There’s nothing in the Universe quite like a soft, loving, all-embracing real woman. But for me, porn somehow replaced the real thing. It was just, well, easier.

Neurosis-free women.

A fantasy-driven sex life was easier because the women of porn are apparently cleansed of all their problems and devoid of their testing neuroses; it was rather like buying irradiated meat in the supermarket in clean little packages without a sign of the industrialised chum behind the scenes. Shooting-up on porn allowed me to savor female energies without all the emotions.

Small men everywhere, who would rather not deal with the truth that women have for them, can go get a fill of female energy, have a beer, then get on with their day.

Men, what is happening to us? Sure, it’s nice to admire a beautiful woman in all her sexually attractive glory. But guys, pornography is disempowering us. If you are a user, can you feel it? That disempowered, out-of-control sadness. Does porn feel good after the release?

Perhaps all is well, though, as women will be able to resume their matriarchal power when all us men eventually become useless wank-piles. They shall reclaim their rightful ownership of all the power in the Universe, the power to create life itself. The Earth will be saved!

It’s amazing the lengths we will go to look at sex, or maybe flee from looking at it. I became very creative at creating porn-time. Always conveniently out of sight. I was a secretive user, and wanking held me in a numb, power-sapped stupor.

Sure enough, I got to the point where I simply couldn’t get enough of such an apparently good thing. Porn is incredibly addictive, and if you have never felt the full power of sex over your logical mind then you will not relate to my words.

But why was I shooting up on porn so much? Perhaps all the sex in our society is helping us stay normal, otherwise we might all go mad.

But we are all mad, so we go get more porn just to keep our sanity. And to make things worse, we don’t even talk about it. We porn users are a secretive lot. What is the problem so many people have in talking openly about sex? (We still say we slept with her instead of shagged her.)

This is why porn exists: it feeds our shadows. Porn is a media reflection of the damaged inner relationship that we have to our sexual impulse. That impulse is beautiful. It is what has brought every one of us here to earth. It should be celebrated, not banished to the provenance of hidden jerk-offs in an upstairs bedroom.

If we all celebrated our sexuality, maybe there wouldn’t be a need for porn. Ultimately I realized that I was using porno pleasure to feed a sense of lack, without any regard for the women behind the scenes or how it was affecting my relationship to my wife or to sex.

The dope had become heroin/heroine. How could I shake it?

Shaking it.

Men who are seasoned porn users will be familiar with the empty-bollock ache that results from the perpetual fixes that are available. I got to the point where I’d had enough of porn. I hated porn to the core of my being. I also realized that I’d had enough of being taken for granted. I needed to be held, touched and found attractive. I needed to be loved by my wife and to give my love wholly.

In every moment we choose communion or separation.

I was a courageous warrior, determined to continue to be a powerful man. I embarked on a five year journey of self discovery to get to the root of the problem. My journey took me deep into self honesty, Tantra and sacred sexuality. I learned a great deal about sex, my relationship to myself, my relationship to women and my relationship to the earth along the way. I wrote a book about my journey to freedom called The Sex God—No Mud No Lotus.

My spirit feels brighter now that I am free of the grips of porn addiction.

Is porn a good thing?

For sure, some men don’t have access to sex; they may be wrinkling, wretched or alone. In those cases copious conceptual copulation with porn may be a healing salve. Porn stars with their minimal emotional engagement could in fact be healers in that capacity.

Some healthy users, men and women, say they like pornography, they say it’s fun and sexy, and that it can be used to raunch up an evening with a lover. Perhaps in recreational doses porn has its place on the smorgasbord of life.

It all comes down to consent and boundaries. One way of expressing our sex is recreationally. I could use some porn with my lover. We could watch some juicy people make love to each other and have a fine time together.

That is, if the men and women in the porn movie were consenting and nobody was being taken from or done to against their will. Then porn may have its place in the smorgasboard of life. (Where can you find giving to and receiving sensual movies?) But it’s important to recognise that porn can creep into the holes in our wholeness and cause all kinds of grief.

My heart is my biggest organ and it knows that being utterly at ease around sex of any kind is my greatest opportunity. My heart can always feel whether porn is a good thing or not. Sex has nothing to do with brutishness and exploitation.

Sex has everything to do with creation and beauty. It is the noblest energy there is.

As for Good Girl, sure the movie made energy fizz in my pelvis. But you know what? It was no substitute for feeling the high fidelity, total sensory union possible with my real beloved. These days my preference is a powerful ejaculatory-choice practice and sacred sex over anything I can gain from lifeless digitised images.

There has never been a better time for us all to take a good look at the assumptions we make about our sexuality and how it affects our culture and all our relationships.

 

Read more on Men and Pornography on The Good Life.

The Men and Pornography series is the product of the joint call from elephant journal Love and Relationships and The Good Life on The Good Men Project. This was previously published in elephant journal Love and Relationships.

Image credit: kokichuelo/Flickr

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About Ben Belenus

Ben Belenus is a truth seeker, worshipper of women and Author. His juicy new book “the sex god---No Mud No Lotus” is a thorough and sacred investigation into sex, love and authenticity. It’s a sexually explicit and passionate love story that follows one man’s evolution towards spiritual freedom. The story follows Ben from innocence into sexual cockiness, painful infidelities, porn addiction and then onwards into deepest Tantric Love.  www.benbelenus.com  www.facebook.com/benbelenus

Comments

  1. That illustration is awful. What is the lady part supposed to be? It looks like a napkin holder from picnic tables.

  2. Like many, I watch porn simply because I have no other choice. It’s not like I’m dating anyone or have women who have any interest in going out with me or sleeping with me, so I’m left with the only other option short of prostitution. Such is the life of your typical shy man.

    • +1. Until we either beat the shyness or women start asking us out…..

      • Collin, Just because you are using porn as a substitute for real sex doesn’t mean it’s not influencing you. And maybe you won’t really know that answer until you have sex with a real woman. It’s usually in our relationships with one another where we learn the most about ourselves. Not when we are behind our computers by ourselves.

  3. James Jones says:

    This was a very interesting article as it is very different from my own point of view. For me, porn is useful exactly because it makes the need for sexual connection much less urgent.

    For example, right now due to circumstances I am unable to have sex with my significant other. When I feel the need to have sex with her instead of either being a pest or becoming so tense and irritable I risk taking out my inappropriate anger on someone else I just use porn. No muss, no fuss.

    And, no, I can’t redirect the energy into other things. My creative energy is a mix of emotional and intellectual and once I recover from the muscle tears, working out only makes it worse. The only things that reduce the sexual impulse for me is something sexual or violent in nature.

  4. Shameless plug to sell a book….

    “A thorough and sacred investigation”…. putting that English Major to work I see.

  5. Untamed Shrew says:

    Book or not, thank you for this article. It seems to be an honest appraisal based on experience. We are only beginning to acknowledge that the compulsive use of porn and self-pleasure may have a down side for many relationships. I have seen the downward spiral of a man controlled by those urges. Calling it by its name is a forward step.

    • I agree…I like this article. Yes some people ‘may be fine’ with their porn watching and think its all good and no problems…for now…but as most men do, you need more and more ‘hardcore’ stuff to get off…that can’t be healthy for your sex life. Or for you psychologically. And I like your point of how after it’s all said and done you have nothing…a computer and an empty feeling. A real woman (if you look for the right one for you) has to be much more satisfying ;)

  6. FlyingKal says:

    There’s nothing in the Universe quite like a soft, loving, all-embracing real woman.

    Well, a lot of people keep saying that. And most of us know it’s true. But whaddayaknow, some of us just keeps getting by-passed.

    Perhaps all is well, though, as women will be able to resume their matriarchal power when all us men eventually become useless wank-piles. They shall reclaim their rightful ownership of all the power in the Universe, the power to create life itself.

    Yes, women are powerful and can do alot of things.
    One thing they can’t do just yet, however, is create life on their own ;-)

    • Random_Stranger says:

      That was solved with the whole genetically modified two eggs thing. Wasn’t there recently a lesbian couple that did just that?

  7. Heriberto Vizcarra says:

    “But where was all that battling of the purple-headed yogurt-slinger taking me?”
    I can’t even believe I read that. Talk about being graphic. Mine doesn’t get purple, since I am not caucasian, but I get the point.

  8. The Wet One says:

    Holy advertisement for http://www.elephantjournal.com Batman!

    Other than that, I have nothing to say about this article except “Blech!” Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too new agey for my tastes. But clearly, everyone is different, so whatever works for you.

    Anyways….

  9. Random_Stranger says:

    Just a couple of thoughts on this article:

    1. I recognize its popular to compare consumption of pornography to use of hard drugs, but the two are really in no way comparable. Unlike foreign chemicals, the dopamine fueled, synapse numbing affect of an organism, even if frequently administered, does wear off in fairly short order, returning the “user” to his/her baseline state. Doesn’t mean one can’t over indulge of course, but an apt comparison would be salty-snacks, not heroine.

    2. As so frequently stated, but no less important, the violent, misogynistic, rape imagery of pornography is a best a poor caricature of the medium and is usually leveled by those (read feminists) who have no experience of the subject. However, to the extent such things are consensual fantasy among the actors, then I fail to understand what makes this medium more heinous than our violence-infused, prime-time television and pg-13+ movies? Dare I saw we find violence done to women more objectionable than violence done to men? And, to the extent actors are non-consenting, that simply needs to be stamped out absolutely. But, I find nothing about the porn industry that makes it especially vulnerable to exploitation and beyond redemption. I do recall that the apparel industry was similarly disposed to non-consenting labor and no-one advocated for the termination of the industry over reform.

    3. Women use porn and women masturbate, but for some reason the moment we discuss those activities in term’s of a women’s experience, they suddenly become healthy sunny, liberating ideas. I’m not sure if we, as progressives, are afraid to criticize a women’s sexual expression or rather, we feel entitled to denigrate male sexuality -but somewhere perspective and balance must be struck before any of this stuff can be critically processed.

    • Heriberto Vizcarra says:

      Yes! Yes! Yes! There is a sort of old article here in The GMPM that says that we don’t have to be ashamed of us liking sex. I have come to terms with my taste for pornography, I don’t hide it but don’t flaunt it either, my wife knows about it.
      After I acknowledged that my watching porn was healthy and nothing to apologize about, I felt “cured” of my addiction. I do watch it still, but as a tool to disspell accumulated stress and when living with my wife, I don’t even need it. Once the ghost of sin disappeared from the equation, our sex life feels more liberating and fun.

    • Random Stranger, even regular drug use “wears off”. Even with regular drug users, they return to a less animated state. However, tolerance does build up over time both physically and mentally. There are a few articles on GMP that talk about how the brain is re-wired regarding pornography. We are what we consume. The reason that pornography has become more “hardcore” isn’t because we all jsut go back to “baseline”. It’s because a tolerance is built up and people need more extreme imagery to reach the same high. Even when it comes to porn. I bet a lot of men can actually relate to that. I bet that when they were younger, the things that excited them where much milder in most cases then what can excite them now. Men use to get excited at Sears catalogs and Nat Geo. Men no longer are simply excited by those images alone. So that really disproves your idea that we all just bog back to a baseline state.

      And clearly we don’t find violence done to women more “objectionable” since violence is a regular part of porn, largely violence agaisnt women more so then violence against men. However, when you mix sex with violence, it brings a unique equation that isn’t just about sex and it’s not just about violence. You are trying to approach the subject as if it’s all the same. It’s not. Conversations about violence sould be true to conversations about violence. Conversations about sex should be true to conversations about sex. And conversations about violence AND sex mixed together, should also be true to form.

      Perhaps you don’t find anything in porn more vunerable to exploitation and beyond redemption because pornography still largely caters to primarily male desires first. Because a large portion of porn is still much more explotive of women then it really is of men. Because a large portion of pornography will show violence against women more regularly then it shows violence against men. Maybe that’s why you don’t have as a strong reaction to it. But as a woman? It is really difficult seeing what today drives men into fits of lust and fantasy.

      Lastly, it seems like you are more intersted in talking about how men are denigrated in society regarding their sexuality then actually talking about the actual topic of how porn often denigrates women quiet often…that’s so interesting to me. How worried you are about men being denigrated but not so much worried about women being denigrated. You don’t even want to talk about how women are specifically denigrated violently in porn. You don’t want to talk about it because you want to compare it to over violent media and say because that media exists, that how women are protrayed in porn doesn’t much matter as much. ….. now that is what is interesting here.

      • “It’s because a tolerance is built up and people need more extreme imagery to reach the same high.”
        Like all weed users progress to meth right? People still buy into this shit? It only applies to some people but my “high” from masturbation and porn has remained constant the entire time, my porn hasn’t got any more hardcore, it’s the basic intercourse and oral (both male n female), stuff I’ve done in real life, the women range in age between 20-50. What level of hardcore should I be progressing to? Violence? I hate it, turns me off. Bondage? Borrrrrring. Anal? Hell no, I dislike anal so I skip or don’t watch videos with it in. I dunno what I am meant to progress to though? So I disagree with your assertion that this so called “drug” doesn’t wear off for everyone. Have you had first hand experience of regular porn use yourself so that you can accurately comment on it or do you rely on studies which only apply to some people?

        My guess is that it’s like every other pleasurable activity, some people get affected badly, some are fine, and it needs to be used in moderation with consideration of the effects such as alcohol, drugs, gaming, exercise (excessive exercise is bad), etc. As for my tolerance? Disappears after a day or 2 and is more related to masturbating once a day, so skip a day or 2 and it can feel better but that’s regardless of porn. I’ve gone weeks without porn or masturbation, no real difference except I had one less stress-busting activity.

        “But as a woman? It is really difficult seeing what today drives men into fits of lust and fantasy. ”
        It’s difficult seeing a woman in pleasure smiling, enjoying sex with her real life partner and having normal sex? Oh I see, you’re generalizing again about men and what they find lustful, you have difficulty in what you think “men” want right? Is this some men, or all men? Do you find difficulty in seeing every single male’s fantasy?

        But as a man? It is really difficult seeing what today drives women into fits of lust and fantasy. Things like wanting to be raped, only desiring rich men, jerks, assholes, abusive men, wanting to be slaves. – See I can generalize too, and I’m taking real fantasies that “women” have. Do I mean some women, all women?

        • Heriberto Vizcarra says:

          There are actually neurological studies done that conclude that porn addiction does affect the brain in ways that some drugs don’t, so the pot-to-meth-pathway theory does not apply here. Porn addiction affects not only the pleasure areas of the brain, but the decision making prefrontal cortex and parts of the white-matter and even ends up changing the sizes of those regions.

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