Have you ever had suicidal thoughts? Would your note have been different?
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Authors Note: I had initially published this anonymously. However, I’ve had second thoughts. We can only realize we aren’t alone when we have the courage to come forth. My apologies if the anonymity confused or misled anyone.
I’ve thought a great deal about suicide. Not too many days go by that don’t include a few thoughts of killing myself. That is the sad reality that me and people like me face. We don’t wake up in the morning and look for reasons to end our lives. We wake up and search for reasons to keep going. Most days we manage, but some require a herculean effort. Occasionally, we find ourselves standing at the precipice with naught but inches between us and a final resting peace.
I came close to ending this game of life. Closer than most realize and perhaps more than I care to admit. If I had, there wouldn’t have been a note. I didn’t think I needed one. I couldn’t say the things I needed to in life. I didn’t see a way to say them in death either. With a somewhat clearer mind and a nagging feeling that it needs to be seen, this is what it may have looked like.
Above all else, please understand this isn’t your fault. There is no culpability to keep or share. It simply is. As in all things there must be balance, to have life is to also have death. Don’t blame yourselves or each other, because that’s the last thing I want. There is no blame to be had here, no fault to spread and no guilt to senselessly carry.
I have peace. Finally I have peace. My hope is that my absence allows you to move on, to find the happiness I kept you from. I know the burden I have been, the drag I have created on your lives. I hope that losing me propels you forward and drives your lives to new heights. Like an anchor to a ship, I’ve done nothing but hold you back. I will no longer be there to do so.
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I am worthless. I am beaten. I am a failure. I will never be worthy of the life you all so richly deserve. This is an act of mercy.
I hope you don’t see this as selfish. Expecting me to battle on, day after exhausting day simply to occupy space is selfish. I cannot continue to endure the war inside my head any longer. I’ve tried to bury it, to hide it and even to ignore it. Somehow, some way the voice just continues on. I am worthless. I am beaten. I am a failure. I will never be worthy of the life you all so richly deserve. This is an act of mercy.
I don’t want any of you to mourn me. I am finally free. I am free of the invader in my head, masking itself as myself. I am free of the weight of expectations never met and persistent disappointment. I am free of a life so tortuously crafted that I find only misery where happiness and satisfaction should reign.
You too are free. Free to remarry, to move on, to live without the debilitating weight of my life pulling you down. You are free to start over, to find someone worthy of the love you all provide.
I’m sorry. I’m fighting a battle I don’t think I can win.I’m not so far down the rabbit hole that I believe nobody will miss me. I know you might. I know it may hurt for a little while. I’m sorry. I’m fighting a battle I don’t think I can win. This is the only way out I know will work. I love you all.
For now, I’m still here. This letter wasn’t left for my family to find. They didn’t have to go searching for my carcass, left for the elements far from home. I still battle on, day after exhausting day. Some are better. Some are truly bad. For now though, I am able to keep the thoughts where they belong: as thoughts. I hope that someday I may be free of them, that I’ll wake each morning with a fresh outlook on life. The reality is less promising. Sometimes we don’t win. Sometimes the Black Dog finally makes his lunge for your neck and you just close your eyes and wait for the darkness to overtake you.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) now. Don’t wait.
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Photo: Getty Images
I read this often, surprised that you read my mind. Your letter would be my letter. But not today. I made it to the end of another day. Thank you for everything you write.
Congratulations on surviving another day Anon. Every day is another battle won.
I read your post from time to time to help console me and give me peace of mind hat I am not the only one out there. I feel like Mel Gibon in Lethal Weapon where he stated that he looks for a reason to keep going and your post helps me.
Just stumbled on this post. I think I may be the president of your fan club – as you seem to be able to take so many of the thoughts swirling around in my head and put them out there for the world to see and begin to understand. Thank you. Reading articles and posts that I can relate to really help me to feel like I am not alone in this arduous journey.
Devi, there are so many out there like us. Most are just afraid of the consequence of sharing. Thank YOU for sharing your own journey. I read quite a bit of your blog this morning.
It’s amazing how many of us suffer this terrible fight daily The world has become a complicated hateful place. No kindness towards others. I feel every thought written in that article….. God bless us all ! Please
Shawn, i’m amazed how you’ve taken my words and feelings and put them out for the world to see. I read this post yesterday (5/29) am and it was a kick in the gut. Like you the thought is always there with me, despite the material trapping of success I remain at my core one disapointment away from stepping in front of the 5:45 am train that runs past the route I walk every morning. My best friend at work just confided to me that she has placed her 15 year old daughter in a treatment program because she was… Read more »
Anon, Thank you. There is so much about this post that nearly kept me from publishing it. Comments like yours have made it worth it. Keep up the fight my friend.
If you ever run out of reasons to keep fighting your demons, look at the number of shares here and see how many lives you touch by simply letting them know, through your writing, that they aren’t alone. I sincerely hope one day you’ll find the peace you need, without leaving those who love you behind.
Wonderful piece of writing here. I can truly relate to most, if not all, of what it said in the article. I find that each morning is indeed a new day, a clean slate, just waiting to be penciled in… but by most afternoons… what is being penciled in is not a story of happiness or gratitude for being alive… but a never ending epic of pain, suffering, disappointment and sorrow. Thanks for the words, Shawn. It is nice to feel understood.
You are all incredible and I appreciate every comment. I don’t ALWAYS feel this way, but it’s more frequent than I’d like to admit. I know the piece is dark and can be depressing, but I felt like it was important to share. Thank you all so much.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is so good to have this experience put into words. You have reached far. Keep writing please.
Dear friend I cannot claim to know what you’re going through but I do want to say that you are not a failure and you are not defeated Im not sure if you are religous but know that if you feel unworthy of love, know that God will always love you , if these words do nothing for you I ask that you seek someone to speak to, you are a beautiful soul and a treasure in this world, never a burden. I hope you can feel better and though it may seem like an impossible task I hope you… Read more »
Thank you.
Wow.
Thank you. Thank you for battling on and being there, writing this. Thank you for speaking my thoughts so eloquently. I can never do this. You are not alone. and thank you for letting us know that we are not fighting this battle alone. You mean a lot for us.
I’m glad that you are still here. I very much enjoyed your article & believe that you have an amazing talent for writing. I hope to read more from you soon. I’m sure that many people could benefit from your insight. You are worthy. God will bless you.
Not so long ago I had suicidal thoughts aswell I wanted to jump infront of a train and had all kinds of crazy ideas how to escape from life I don’t want to elaborate why I had them but they where there I was a pretty weak human being to be honest especially mentally. But then something happened and to this day I don’t know what it was, but it changed my life I started to workout again, I started to eat healthy and I started a Blog. I just felt the urge to change something to man up and… Read more »
This is so dark, but did it resonate so much with my life right now. Thank you for putting it so well, I guess acknowledging that there is a problem is the beginning of fixing it.
Very well said. I too can identify with many of the feelings here. Its terrible that so many of us feel so alone.
What a touching and informative article. God bless you and your family. I hope that you will continue to find many reasons to keep living. I’m positive that your absence from this planet will cause many love ones to miss you tremendously. Remember, you are special, you are loved and this world needs the awesome gifts that you can offer. Your ability to reach out and touch the lives of millions are evident in this article.
I agreed with you Msjay. It is one of the most beautifully written article that I have ever read. Reminds me of Mel Gibson in the first movie Lethal Weapon where he had to fight everyday not to commit suicide. It also reminds me of Michael Caine and Sean Connery in the movie the Man who would be King, where Sean Connery asks Michael if their lives had been misspent their lives and Michael Caine gave the pros and cons whether their lives were squandered or not.
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