“We’re the middle children of history. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives.” – Fight Club.
—
Women complain about men. It’s been that way since the beginning of time. Archaeologists say the earliest cave drawings depicted heavy-browed women glaring at hapless Paleo man while he struggled to build a fire.
Men are slobs. They’re lazy, they obsess about sports, and they love boobs. They also don’t communicate their feelings well, like that time during game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals when you decided to ask your man, “So what are you thinking about?”
I usually just tune it out. Really, is that the worst they can come up with? That we occasionally leave the seat up or feel compelled to write our names in that magical first snowfall?
However, lately what I’m hearing (and seeing) has me rethinking things. A lot of these “men” being bashed don’t sound like men at all.
♦♦♦
This isn’t another man-bashing rant. There are very good men out there. You just don’t hear about them because they don’t fork out $200 a month to Verizon so they can spill their guts online.
I know some truly solid dudes; guys who quietly put in crazy work days but still have time to be loving husbands and attentive fathers, even recreational athletes or musicians. Some are even capable of keeping the boy inside alive, which is a remarkable feat in a merciless world where stress and overwhelm and disappointment conspire to strip every last vestige of childhood wonder from your hardening soul.
Then they complain, “Women today are completely messed up!”
|
My criticism is for the new breed of single 30-something men. The “players” who say they “choose” to be single to “live their life.” Sounds decidedly ballsy, even manly. Instead of attacking some meaningful goal, be it serving society or even bettering themselves, they choose to drift without a rudder in the widening gulf between adolescence and adulthood. The spend life bouncing from dead end job to dead end job because it wasn’t “for them,” all while making sure their free time is occupied by Facebook, fantasy football, and swiping through a steady stream of Tinder matches on an $800 smart phone that they “upgrade” without question every year.
Then they complain, “Women today are completely messed up!”
Dude, maybe your shit is making them that way?
I have a female friend who is smart, successful, exotic, and gorgeous. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why she remained on the market. So using Occam’s Razor, I concluded that there must be a current of bat shit crazy simmering just below the surface, ready to explode all over the next poor bastard who didn’t return her text in 30 seconds. Maybe she had some impossible set of standards, molded by a lifetime of chick flicks. Like any man worthy must be sensitive, enjoy cleaning bathrooms, love eating quiche with her mother, and make high six figures as an underwear model in Milan.
Instead, her wish list was decidedly reasonable: decent looking, passable sense of humor, ambitious, and the kicker — not a jerk.
Someone who will stand up for something.
Instead she’s alone.
♦♦♦
Why is this happening?
In Fight Club, author Chuck Palahniuk blamed the change in the state of masculinity on American culture on consumerism.
Perhaps he was onto something?
We crave purpose and need it in our lives, otherwise we run into trouble.
|
Or maybe it’s environmental? Are men being chemically “feminized?” Studies have reported that, on average, male sperm counts around the world have more than halved in the past 50 years and are still falling at a rate of two per cent every year. Possible explanations for the decline include stressful lifestyles, poor diet, and potential “hormone mimicking” or “endocrine disrupting” chemicals in our drinking water.
So is the cure for the Disappearing Male to stop flushing expired birth control pills down the toilet and avoid the mall?
I don’t think so. Men just need to find a purpose. And live by a code.
Purpose
The need for purpose defines us as human beings. We crave purpose and need it in our lives, otherwise we run into trouble.
The Japanese call a purpose an Ikigai, which means “a reason for being.” And without it a man is good to no one, especially not a woman. When you have a sense of purpose, life’s distractions slip away. Bullshit reveals itself as, well, bullshit. It’s like a seasoned bodybuilder who gets unsolicited dieting advice leading up to a show – he might nod his head and say “I’ll keep it in mind,” but he sticks to his plan. He knows it works for him.
According to Dr. Steve Taylor, a sense of purpose makes us less self-centered. When we feel a part of something bigger, something outside ourselves, we’re less likely to obsess about our own worries and anxieties. “Our own problems seem less significant, and we spend less time thinking about them, and so our sense of well-being increases.”
A purpose doesn’t have to be something “significant”, like curing a disease or solving world hunger. It just has to be something larger than you.
|
But finding a purpose is a struggle. You can’t order one from Amazon. Nor can you copy it from someone else; no matter how inspired they make you feel. It took most of my adult life to accept mine. And it never would’ve happened had I not unplugged from what everyone else was doing and did the real heavy lifting: intense introspection.
Anyone can be introspective, yes, but few do it. It requires not staring into some type of screen every waking hour. Instead you must “stare” into yourself. Don’t let the pretentiousness discourage you. A purpose doesn’t have to be something “significant”, like curing a disease or solving world hunger. It just has to be something larger than you.
My purpose is to help men look and feel and think like men by working on their body. I believe this develops confidence, which is a natural antidote for insecurity, which can keep an otherwise productive man stuck in the starting blocks. So my purpose is to do a small part to change that.
What’s yours?
A Code
Once you know why you’re here, you need rules to live by. You need a code.
Dudes joke about the unwritten “Bro Code,” filled with stuff like “before dating a buddy’s ex-girlfriend, you must first ask his permission and he in return must grant it.” But having a code is an incredibly important thing. It basically dictates every important decision you make, like how you spend your time and with whom.
Just don’t start believing that because you have a code you’re automatically a good catch.
|
It also keeps you in check. An old boss of mine used to say, “Always do what you say.” As a result, I quit promising customers things that I couldn’t deliver. When you know a man’s code, you know his moral compass. You know where they stand, and by extension, where you stand.
Having a code doesn’t mean not trying new things — when you’re young, you should try new things — it means not changing or violating those few hallmarks of your being that are truly important to you.
So a man who insists on being home to eat dinner with his kids has a code, no matter how many times he changes careers. Ditto a man who refuses to swear in front of women no matter who he happens to be dating.
You’ve met dudes with no code. They’re flaky. Think of a Vegan that chews your ear off about how eating meat is murder but then can’t resist a juicy steak on the weekend. Or a city councilor who rails for stiffer fines for speeding and then drives home from the bar three martinis deep.
Just don’t start believing that because you have a code you’re automatically a good catch. Even very bad people can have principles. Anton Chigurh, the homicidal killer from No Country For Old Men, has a strong personal code, which leads him to kill almost everyone he comes across save for those who stand up to him on legitimate grounds. So as principled as he may be, he’s still a horrible person, and probably the last person you’d want to play flip a coin with. A code is also limiting. It can mean seeing less of certain people, even people whose company you might have enjoyed at one time. A strong code can also make those who just “live their life” feel uncomfortable.
My code is simple: Be genuine, try not to judge, work hard, be helpful, find humor in things, and above all, be brave.
Bravery is the hardest. It doesn’t require joining the Army, it’s standing up for what’s right, even when it doesn’t benefit you. Especially when it doesn’t benefit you. And occasionally asking for help.
Start Being
I’m no expert on the male-female dynamic, nor do I find the topic particularly interesting. But I do hold a standard of how I think men should be behave, and I’m pretty sure a lot of women might agree with me.
Don’t just do what feels good to you at the time. Don’t abandon things the second they get difficult. Don’t live your life just for you. Figure out your purpose and develop a personal code of conduct that reflects your principles. Then commit for the long haul.
Combine this with a half-decent body and a modest sense of humour and I can pretty much guarantee that women will seem a lot less “crazy” or “needy.”
And any single ladies who suddenly meet the guy of your dreams can send me a wedding invite.
Not that I’ll go, mind you. Unless there’s an open bar. Then I’m in.
A man must have a code.
Photo Credit: Zach Dischner/flickr