Jordan Gray wants to challenge the idea that all of the good ones are taken… because they aren’t.
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Having worked as a full time relationship coach for over six years now, I read or hear something along the lines of “There are no good ones left” at least every day.
The beliefs that people hide behind are astounding to me…
Just within the past two weeks I have written down these direct quotes that I either read from peoples comments on my Good Men Project articles or heard in social settings.
“Men are shallow. They only think with their penises.”
“Women are all gold diggers.”
“Hookup culture has taken over… no one wants to cuddle anymore.”
“Chivalry is dead.”
“There are no good ones left.”
“Women these days all act like they don’t need a man.”
“Where have all of the chivalrous ones gone?”
“Why don’t men take women on dates anymore?”
And here’s the thing…
The above quotes are all, 100% factual b.s.
There are exceptions to every single last one of them. And it isn’t just a “Oh sure, I’m sure one in a million men likes to cuddle” kind of exception. Quality people (whether, to you, that means that they like to cuddle, be chivalrous, kind, compassionate, etc.) exist en masse.
So if you believe that they don’t exist, then that only reflects back at you, your beliefs, or your method for going about meeting people.
Maybe your standards are impossibly high.
Maybe you have intimacy anxiety and there being “no good ones left” is your way of hiding from letting yourself be seen by someone.
Maybe you’ve been hurt in the past and you fear opening up again.
Whatever it is, it’s more than likely that your belief is just a wall to hide behind.
How Your Beliefs Affect Your Love Life
Beliefs are funny things. Think of your beliefs like a pair of contact lenses. Based on your prescription, your contacts make some things in focus, and other things out of focus. That’s how your beliefs work. They help you focus on one kind of feedback (that reinforces your belief) and helps you filter out the things that you don’t want to see or aren’t ready to see yet.
But contact lenses work in another way. The lenses also act in a way that it makes you forget you’re looking through them. It just becomes the way you see things.
So whatever excuse you’re giving yourself to reinforce the idea that “there are no good ones left”, it’s allowing you to filter out anything that contradicts your belief so that you can go on staying single.
So dig into why you’re choosing to wear those particular contact lenses. Are you fearful of letting someone love you? Have you been hurt in the past and you’re concerned that it will happen again? Are you attracting people that mirror where you are in your emotional process (i.e. you’re emotionally unavailable and are attracting emotionally unavailable partners)?
Whatever reason you have for having your beliefs, you need to dig into them.
If you find yourself feeling frustrated with the people that you consistently seem to meet, then you need to either change your strategy for how you meet people, change your relationship to yourself, or change your beliefs about your preferred gender.
Because chances are, you’re using your belief system as a shield. You think it’s keeping you safe, but in reality it’s keeping you guarded.
End rant.
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You can read more of Jordan’s writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo courtesy of DepositPhotos.com
On the contrary, I believe there are plenty of good ones left
But evidently, I’m not good enough for them.
FlyingKal,
That’s wonderful news for us out here seeking! How and where do we locate “good ones”, then, please?
I think the definition of “good ones”, might tend to differ by gender. I’m not one of the good ones either. Therefore as much as I would like to help you I really don’t know who or what you are looking for. I feel like I would have to see it through your eyes.
En mass!!! Now that isn’t true. As this would mean there are many for one. What each of us seek is the exceptional. This is why the mass doesn’t matter. One looks at the whole I search of only one. Of late, the exceptional are rare, very very rare.
Lynn,
“Of late, the exceptional are rare, very, very rare.” Indeed.
When we’re actively, progressively, optimistically seeking someone who can offer what we are offering yet we cannot locate even one available and relationship-ready “good one”, how can “good ones” “exist en masse”?
Thank you!
Ha, it is logically impossible for the exceptional to be common. If they were, they would define the norm. I thought anybody could figure this out.
With all due respect, Chivalry for the most part is dead, and it belongs dead. Politeness, on the other hand, is alive and kicking and here to stay.
Jordan, you are right on the money! This is the same message I’ve been giving my clients for years…great piece!
Karen Jones