Exploring the mess we are in around male sexuality. How did we get here and what on earth do we do?
My first sexual experience with another person was when my cousin taught me how to masturbate. Naturally, it felt good. But then he shamed and humiliated me, leaving a deep scar. This became my initial sexual imprint, and it has impacted my sexuality to this day.
Instead of learning, I went into hiding like most men run by shame. I listened to other peers who were equally immature and confused.
Before I sought out help, I was left adrift, aimlessly trying to be a man with this cosmic sword between my legs. No one ever taught me the profound power my cock could yield. That I could give life or destroy life with its power. My dad dropped the ball as did my culture.
I received ZERO training around sex or my body until age 34. None. Fortunately for me, I now have excellent mentors and friends who are helping me grow up my sexuality and dive into it’s headwaters with open arms.
To not teach children about the sacredness of their bodies and their sexuality is one of the CORE abandonments of our time.
This post is about the mess we are in around male sexuality. I am here to name it and simply put it in the open for all of us to see.
So how did we get into this mess?
I’m guessing there’s more to the story than this, but I’m naming one GIANT dynamic if not THE dynamic that got us here.
First, let’s acknowledge that some of us (not me) got an amazing, healthy, wise education around sex, our bodies, and our sexuality. If that’s you, congratulations! Seriously. Then, let’s acknowledge that there are a good number of people out there that believe we are teaching are kids plenty, even too much, about sex and sexuality (i.e. conservative religious groups).
Leaving it up to the Churches and schools to train our kids about their penises and vaginas and how to use them has gotten us where we are today, ashamed, avoiding, and hoping someone else will teach this complicated stuff for us. If those entities did a great job, we’d be seeing different results.
Because adults have been, by in large, too ashamed or limited in themselves, they have taught our boys a very watered down version of sex education. That’s the best case scenario. It’s either nothing at all, or a “birds and the bees” talk in middle school or high school, likely from a teacher who is filtering information because their hands are tied by a fearful administration.
Think about what you got in terms of sex ed. I got a health class in 8th grade (in Utah) and then my dad talked to me in High school about wearing a condom. That’s it. That’s all I got.
So, what did I do? I learned from peers (well before high school) who were equally as ashamed, misinformed, and confused.
I was completely and utterly abandoned, as was my father by his father and on and on. I get that it wasn’t my Dad’s fault. How could he teach me anything about sex given what was taught to him by a Dad who probably never even mentioned it? Generations of betrayal. Generations of neglect and looking the other way, hoping kids would “figure it out” or innocently thinking it would take care of itself.
So, when I think about my own son, I can see the doorway toward “letting him figure it out.” That door is wide open and would be easy for me to just drop the ball and keep the generations of abandonment alive.
But I won’t do that. No way. Not in my house. I won’t pass the buck to other adults and expect them to deliver. I also refuse to let other 4, 5, 6, 7 year old boys teach my son about his sacred body. I refuse to let another kid shaming him while he’s naked or hard core porn be his first sexual experience.
I will show up for my son. I’m scared and excited to teach him everything about his beautiful body and its power. I feel inspired to train him to use his penis responsibly. And guess what? My son is 3 years old and needs information now! He is exploring his body right now! Wait until middle school? I don’t think so.
Most of us men received little to no sexual training as boys. We simply learned from other boys. Our first sexual experiences were often either molestation (1 in six boys is sexually abused before age 16), experimentation with ourselves (some kind of masturbation, mostly to porn these days) or other boys (more than one-third of the sexual abuse of America’s children is committed by other minors).
As boys, in order to fit in, we were supposed to make fun of other boys when we were naked. If we were too “good” or too scared to do that, we got quiet and became bystanders hoping some adult would step up and set a boundary. When no one did, we remained silent because speaking up we might have faced ridicule or humiliation.
Anything that resembled being gay or too feminine, we shamed and humiliated in each other and called it “funny.” We were mostly taught that sex is great, but also bad and that masturbation is bad even though it feels good. Hmmm….Our choice? Posture and fake it trying to “be one of the guys,” or go underground with our sexuality and experiment in isolation.
Confused yet?
As teen boys, we taught each other to objectify women and keep score. We were either taught that w0men like strong men that are stoic and hide their vulnerability like any superhero in the movies, or maybe we took the gentleman’s path, (slightly more conservative but still damaging) where we are supposed to take care of women and be “clean” by never masturbating or succumbing to our animal desires, thus being a “good boy.”
If we were gay, or wondered if we were gay, we had no where safe to turn to, no one to ask, no place to explore in a safe way. So, again we isolated and felt shame and guilt. Then we might have played along with the straight boys thus adding more self-abandonment and confusion.
Then we found oursevles in an oversexualized culture where women’s bodies were everywhere for us to gawk at including in video games, TV, magazines, and even in men’s sports. We went to college where our sex drive was through the roof and we sprayed it around like a fire-hose with no supervision and little consequence. Or we were so confused, we shut down and got quiet. If we wanted to be “one of the guys” we tried to get laid a lot and talked a big game, thinking that might win us friends. If we didn’t take that path, we stayed a quiet bystander letting our brothers off the hook over and over as they objectified and used women over and over again while we isolated and went inward for answers.
Pile on more confusion….
Of course, then we became adult men (whatever that means), and even though we have the power to seek out a therapist or professional to get help with the confusion and power between our legs, we didn’t. Either because we didn’t even know it was an option, or because we might have faced silent judgment or ridicule from our peers–more shame and humiliation, all part of the gender straightjacket.
Now that we are officially confused and ashamed about our penis and sex, and live in a culture that supports our dis-embodiment, we paradoxically find comfort in our isolation and disconnection. It’s the new norm. We mask over any whisper of shame or fear so we can fit in with the guys and then we hope to meet a cool woman that likes us despite our insecurities.
Then in our isolation, while no one is looking and with the door locked, we finally find relief in our sexually confused state–porn. It’s quick, easy, cheap, with an endless variety where we don’t have to deal with the complexities of interpersonal relationship dynamics. We can stay alone and keep it locked away in our inner sanctum. It even gives us temporarily relief from the stress in our lives and gives the illusion of keeping our shame at bay.
Whew.
Once again, the boy code has conditioned us into a little, tiny corner where we remain angry, alone, confused, and isolated. Our conditioning is a trap. Be a certain way, and don’t act outside the box. If you do, we will humiliate you. Don’t speak up or intervene, b/c that too is gay, weak, or feminine. So, stay put, stay a bystander, stay in your box.
So this is where we are today
Like it or not, the state of male sexuality in this culture (and probably the world) is that of a sick, neglected, and deeply abandoned child, and we can see the wake of it everywhere in our lives. The way boys treat girls, the way men treat women. The way boys treat boys. The bullying and shame, coercion, and intimidation to be a certain way sexually. The gay jokes, the “small penis” jokes, the “pussy” jokes, the rape, misogyny, misandry, the violence, Matthew Shepard, Penn State, Steubenville Rape, The Catholic Church, and the shame and self-hatred toward our own bodies.
All taught by who? Boys.
That’s right. We adults have put boys in charge of teaching other boys about the most sacred parts of their bodies. Boys are teaching other boys about sexuality in this culture. And because adults are unable or unwilling to step up, this is the mess we are in.
Wow.
So, this is on the table for us to examine and see clearly. How about we pause and take this all in.
Breathe.
The next question for me is “okay, what do I do about it?”
In my own home, I will take on the responsibility to teach and train my son about his penis, his body, and his sexuality with unwavering respect and love.
In terms of the global problem, the questions are rolling in. From single moms to new dad’s like me.
How are you dealing with your own confused sexuality and how will you/are you teaching your son about it? Because wherever you are ashamed and stuck, you will block your son from learning and embodying a healthy sexuality.
What I am doing about it?
Read this awesome breakdown The Healthy Sex Talk–Teaching Kids Consent Ages 1-21
I am teaching him about his sacred body. Where I’m stuck, I’m getting help, hiring mentors, going to classes and learning about how to appropriately (factoring in age and brain development) and truthfully talk to my son about his body and his sexuality. And, if enough parents ask, I’ll probably offer tele-classes or write more on the subject. I’m open to suggestions.
Please share below how you are navigating this critical terrain.
If you are a parent of a son, or are actively involved in raising boys in your life, join our facebook page Raising Boys.
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Photo: By crdotx/ Flickr
About Jayson Gaddis
Wow. This is right on the spot. Our culture has been dominated with the confusion and shame that comes with the lack of strong leadership. Sadly, even the Christian Church has seriously dropped the ball on the subject of sexuality. I think that this is part of a bigger issue of the marginalization of men in this culture. Again, we all have something important and special to bring to this world. What we lack is the encouragement and mentoring needed to do this. A generational breakdown of leadership creates a spiritual vacuum that leads to symptoms as Jason describes. So, let’s break this generational cycle, awkward as it may be and hope that we give our sons a better chance than we had.
You make some excellent and poignant observations about the state of sexual culture in society, however, one caution: your understanding of adult make sexuality is totally heteronormative, centring on the experience of the straight (middle class as well) male. Yes, as boys, we all tend to experience the same pressures from teasing from our male peers, albeit feminine kids tend to get it even worse. But, as we – all men – grow up, a divergence happens. Gay men live a dissent form of sexuality where we live through the shame society has bestowed us with by virtue of your innate desires. Every sexual thought, erection, and sexual act is filled with shame. Instead of letting homophobic society get us down or stifle our sexuality, we say screw you to those rules and let our sexuality guide us through the relationships and practices and cultures that mainstream society has deemed deviant. The point is that, in my opinion, if you really want to give your son a healthy relationship to his body and his sexuality, you might want to start by first getting a grasp of non-straight male sexuality. This way, you are not just reproducing hegemonic sexual norms, but are infusing these lessons with a broader, and anti-oppressive – understanding of other forms of sexuality, like female and queer, at the core. A healthy sexuality is defined not by one’s relationship with one’s own body, but by the ways they treat their objects of sexual and romantic desire.
Great points all around. Please elaborate or write a post for this site or my own. i’d love your input here. Other suggestions?
Very well said. You should have writen the article.
“A healthy sexuality is defined not by one’s relationship with one’s own body, but by the ways they treat their objects of sexual and romantic desire.”
YES
But my kid is just three, and we’re not there yet. Here’s where we are: eggs, babies that grow inside of eggs, chicken eggs, newt eggs, what other kind of eggs can you think of?, animals that DON’T lay eggs and grow their babies inside their bodies, just like mommy did when she was pregnant with brother. We haven’t yet gotten to HOW mommy got pregnant, just waiting on the kid to take the lead on this. He will.
We’re just animals. We watch Planet Earth and see other animals giving birth and having sex and dying, and it’s all necessary and beautiful and scary and normal. Sexuality is imperative. Parenting is a bitch. Females are hard to impress. Babies are cute.
We’re animals, but as humans we bring ethics into sexuality. Developing a healthy sexuality and becoming aware of oneself as an ethical actor go hand in hand, for me. Self-respect! Respect for others! Prolonged commitment of resources to raising young! Recreational sex to affirm social bond!
He doesn’t know about Jerry Sandusky yet, but he will. He doesn’t really grasp that there was once a world that existed without him in it, but he will. He doesn’t know that everyone he loves will die, and so will he, but he will. There’s a lot of stuff out there for him to figure out. I’m not afraid.
Oh, I also want to add, regarding the inevitability of porn: I will teach my boys that sex workers are people.
A really great resource for sex ed for teens is scarleteen.com
Interesting education in the states.
Here in British Columbia we have a few hours deticated to sex-ed every few months starting at grade 4 or 5. This continues until highschool graduation and includes videos, handouts, diagrams, class discussions, anonymous question boxes, homework assignments, and so on. Everyone get’s this kind of education in BC.
I find it hard to fathom doing it any differently, and when I hear about what is (or isn’t) taught elsewhere I’m shocked. Saddened.
This post brings up lots of memories. Being an outcast and constantly attacked in High School. I had been labeled gay by some jealous guys. I would only realize that they were jealous when I reached my mid-forties. One of the funniest things to happen was when my Mom found a stash of girlie magazines.
Now vendicated that I definately wasn’t gay my Dad started yelling at my Mom to leave me alone that I was just being normal. Yeah I was one of those guys that started with porn. But I got lucky!
You see coming out of a backwoods Southern Baptist Church with all of the harrassment about being gay coming from many of my “friends” that went to the same church.
So when I started college in 1971 I started looking for other religious veniues. Naturally with all the Asian influences being brought back by Vets from Nam I checked out Asian religions. While a lot of the religions left me wondering, the Asian attitude toward life in general was mind blowing. The hacked versions of the Karma Sutra that were mostly porn, but then I found Sexual Secrets and learned that sex could be part of a religious rite! Then I attended two Human Sexuality seminars that the campus Baptist Student Union had, the second led the university (Western Carolina University) to establish a Human Sexuality class! Its a good read and about Ninth Grade reading level. If you can read a news paper you can read it!
When my son came along I was teaching a First Grade class in Religious Education at my Unitarian Universalist Church. Naturally I knew that kids need things that they can touch so I went to the Planned Parenthood office in town and got some props. The lady was over joyed until she found out that they were first graders. She didn’t understand that the idea was this is were apples come from, this is how puppies are born, and oh yes this is how you were born. No big deal, no shame, just part of life like planting tomatoes.
Oh its still available from UU Association and Beacon Press I recommend it highly. Just remember that most UU churches, congrations, and fellowships are welcoming groups, providing a welcoming and supportive place for LGBTQ people.
By the way Jesse turned 30 last month and my granddaughter is doing great!
Unitarian Universalists have a specific course to address sexuality in a much more real and blatant way than other religions. It gets into all the details the kids will hear from their friends anyway but in a religious and responsible manner. I groove on that.
The program you refer to is called “Our Whole Lives”, and it provides comprehensive sexuality education tailored toward the age and developmental stages of the students. It is a curriculum designed to be taught in faith-oriented environments (i.e., church school settings) and in non-sectarian environments (e.g., schools, community centers).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our_Whole_Lives
Full Disclosure: I teach OWL within our church school.
Thanks for clearing that up. I haven’t been involved with RE for about 22 years.
Thank you – my husband and I (a.k.a. future parents) so appreciate you!!!! Preach it:)
Great article. As a single father of a boy about to turn 15, I have been dealing with this for, well, 15 years.
My own sexuality plays a big part in it, as I was circumcised at age 9 to “cure” my excessive masturbation.
Think that helped? Anyone?
My then-wife and I made a deal at the time – you tell them when they want to know. Curiosity is evident if you’re aware of your child.
If you tell them things they’re not ready for, you are dropping a bomb that will probably blow up in your face someday, probably soon.
As for your constant beating on the church about this, I take it you must also be taking your son to church to learn that way of life. This is troubling, because you identify the church as being the #1 problem in regards to the issue. Hopefully you mean that YOU were raised that way and THAT is what fucked YOU up. Don’t pass down that to your son, there has to be a better way. I teach my son about all the mythologies, period. They all use the same stories anyway.
i agree with most everything in this article, however i was struck, and repulsed, honestly, by the lurid picture attached to it of two pre-adolescent boys in their underwear. i was further surprised to learn that mr. gaddis, himself, chose the picture, because, as he says, he “just wanted to get folks’ attention.” in other words, he willfully exploited prepubescent bodies so that he could draw a larger audience to his article–an article which covered (irony of ironies!) the way that wrong-headed american culture psychologically disfigures young boys. this may well be the most amazing example of convoluted logic i’ve ever encountered. if mr. gaddis thinks eroticizing children for the sake of page hits is an ethical trade-off, i’d suggest the last career he should be engaged in is counseling. when you break down gaddis’s decision here, he appears more than cringe-worthy in his ambition; he seems borderline sociopathic.
Hey Keith.
The photo is provocative yes. And, even sexual. It’s a brilliant photo because we are not sure what’s going on there. And, it’s very common for boys to explore their sexuality together at a young age. I love the photo and won’t be changing it.
The one complaint I have with the photo is that they boys are probably models and both very skinny. It would be even better if at least one of them had a more common body type of a teenage boy.
The photo captures the whole mess with boys and sexuality as well as the beauty. And, as someone shared above, folks who shame the photo are doing the very thing this blog post is talking about.
P.s. in the future, I will delta comments from you that are blaming/shaming.
blessings to you,
I respect differing opinions, including on this picture. It’s the double standards that I take issue with.
This picture is an example of why feminists complaints about the sexualization of young girls by men and bodies being sexualized/objectified can’t be taken seriously.
I can see how someone might find the photo inappropriate, but if I step back a minute and look at it on its face value, what do I see? It’s just two boys in their underwear. That could be a sexual image, I suppose, but ultimately it’s just two boys in their underwear. Is this where we are as a society, that underwear means sex? Poor-fitting briefs means sexualization? It feels a bit like trying to fight fire with fire — like we’ve become pedophiles in order to stop pedohilia….
What would be the reaction if they were pictures of girls in their underwear? Would that picture exist here?
Jayson,
I need to edit your articles! I couldn’t help but be distracted by typos, repetition, and vagueness. Aside from that, I really like the concept of where you’re going with masculinity and sexuality; it’s something I never got educated about until now, in my mid twenties, and it’s all been self-study. (Is it even possible to retrofit a new norm into an old psyche?) Talk to you soon!
jayson–
i’ve been trying to understand where you’re coming from on the subject of the photo, and still dont get it. perhaps you dont have a lot of experience with the issue of child sexual abuse, and therein lies our disconnect. ie, if you had a full understanding of how epidemic child sex abuse is, and how devastating the experience is to its victims, you wouldnt play fast and loose with photos like that in the hopes of drumming up interest in your article.
frankly, it seems implausible that someone in your field would not know about all this, but it’s a possibility, i suppose, and as such, is a possible explanation for the gulf between our perspectives. if so, please let me know, and i’ll be glad to assist in you in finding the necessary information.
sincerely,
keith morris
I have refrained from commenting on this because I feel that the picture is inappropriate, kind of gross, and evinces a sexual double standard toward men or males. I would teach my child first and foremost to trust their feelings rather than elaborate on some dichotomy between saying that sex is special or that it isn’t special. I would teach them that it is a fact of life and that it can mean many things.
I hope in teaching your son the sacredness of his body and healthy sexuality, you’re meaning that God created his body in a wonderful way, that it is to be honored, and that saving himself sexually for marriage and remaining sexually pure is one of the biggest blessings of all. I sense that you think porn is OK, and yet porn has destroyed many marriages and prepares men to be dissatisfied with their wives’ bodies. God created sex to be a beautiful thing between a man and his wife, and premarital sex, as well as indulging in pornography damages what God has created to be good.
OK, I’ll bite.
You’re certainly welcome to believe that way; that is your right. But also respect the fact that – religious or not – some people don’t agree with that exact line of reasoning. Though it would be pretty disrespectful and not becoming of what I’d believe to be a “good man”, you’re certainly welcome to indict people on their beliefs as well.
I’m not advocating scores of partners, but I think there’s healthy indulgence in responding to biological desires. Holding all of it back can be physically and mentally repressive, though I’m sure you’ll argue it’s the hallmark of a “good man.” I argue that everything, when taken or practiced in moderation, is OK.
When my wife and I finally choose to have children (which is our CHOICE), and if we have a son or daughter, I’m not going to shy away from topics nor am I going to impose strict morally-dogmatic practices. I’m certainly not interested in them potentially ruining their future or catching nasty diseases. There are healthy conversations to be had about risks versus rewards and no doubt, I’d probably advocate self-pleasuring if it keeps them from making risky decisions. What you likely see as a start down a dark road, I see as an alternative.
Also, while I’m sure that porn has done what you say above for some (as indulgence in alcohol has done the same), I have found just the opposite. Seems a person-to-person thing. But please, if you must, advocate we all abide by your moral code. I say do what works for you and I’ll do what works for me.
We can agree to disagree.
When I posted this on Facebook, an old friend replied “I don’t understand what the hell it is he wants his son to know. The sacredness of his body?” Here is what I wrote in response to him there;
Since he doesn’t go into specifics, I can’t say exactly what he wants. Maybe that’s part of the problem; even this sex positive writer is skittish about going into specifics. What I want my son to know about sex is that it’s based in mutual enthusiasm, it’s fun but rarely involves smiling, it’s emotionally intense, pleasurable, potentially risky, often complicated and awkward, sometimes extremely simple, satisfying only when it’s mutual between partners, harmful when consent is violated, okay to want, okay to refuse, more than just one type of activity, more than one way to do it well, a skill that requires practice to do well, and other more mechanical details that I won’t go into here. Of course, I don’t want to tell him all of these things right now or all at once, but I want him to hear it from me first, rather than getting less healthy versions of the information from media, peers, or other sources.
Interesting article. But it seems to me that you are missing the main point. Sex without love is very often destructive to both participants. Our emotional well-being can only be promoted by deep love. Since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, there have been more than 50 million abortions in the US. When people use each other only for sexual pleasure both partners are demeaned as people and, often, costly and harmful results occur. When “anything goes” sexually, it is a slippery slope that all too often leads to acts of disrespect: rape, sexual harassment, physical violence, emotional oppression, and deep psychic scars. Young people need to be taught how to create loving relationships where sex is understood to be a morally responsible act based only on mutual love and respect. Then, sex can be shared safely and be a blessing that strengthens the feelings of love and grace.
So, rape, sexual harassment, physical violence, etc. did not happen throughout history until the Roe v. Wade decision? Seems a case of false causality if that’s what you’re trying to prove. Roe v. Wade was a reactive decision to what was already occurring illegally and much less safely. You’re never going to stop abortions and honestly, I’m really not why there is such a hyper-focus on them…
While there are nuances that can be argued – perhaps a limitation on the first trimester (unless in cases of threats to the life of the mother) – imposing your moral code on an entire population seems unjust. Perhaps you’d like to outlaw contraceptives as well?
Sex without love has been occurring for millenia. It seems you would say that people ought to be saddled with a child as punishment. We have the technology. We will use it. You are free to live your life as you will and I am free to live mine as I will. While I may not agree with the way you live your life, I’m not going to tell you it’s wrong for you. So why would you tell me that the way I live mine is wrong for me?
Ultimately, we agree on the goal: more loving relationships, sex being understood… but I can’t tell if you’re trying to argue that the divorce rate is where it is because of social forces alone since the “culture wars”…
“Young people need to be taught how to create loving relationships where sex is understood to be a morally responsible act based only on mutual love and respect. Then, sex can be shared safely and be a blessing that strengthens the feelings of love and grace.”
Hey, it doesn’t sound too bad when you put it that way. Sounds like a noble aim. The great thing is that this doesn’t require religion or monogamy or marriage or heterosexuality or even knowing each other’s names. I appreciate the openness to sexual diversity that I interpret from this quote.
Boys grow up in our culture witnessing the objectification of women.
But what do they see in their family? Do they see if they have 2 parents, that they are loving to one another?
Does one of the parents or both, again if they have any both parents, sit down with their boy and explain the difference between f*cking, making love, and tell them making
love may have nothing to do with f*cking.
Do young boys know anything about romance? Or is it just the let’s get to it and f*ck one another? Do they understand the value of friendship and how the
friendship. can turn into genuine love for the other person.
Or do they see certain people are for friendship and the others are for f*cking? Do they classify different groups to be with regarding doing different
activities. One group is for hanging out and smoking pot, another is for hanging out and watching the guys and gals go by and objectifying
them and making comments to them as they walk in the street. Are these young boys different in their actions with different people?
Do our young boys see respect in the family? Do they actually see kindness to one another. Are their sisters and other brothers just there to
be used for whatever reason. Does sexual abuse go on in the family and everyone keeps quiet?
Do they understand about commitment and what that means? Do they learn about it through a sport they are involved in, through seeing how their
respective parent or parents treat one another? Are folks in the family there for one another?
This article came to be written by a lovely response I received from a gentlemen who read one of my older articles in “The Good Men Project” called
“F*cking or Making Love: What’s the Difference Men”? This gentlemen seemed to be on the same page as me and wondered how are our young boys
being raised to understand any of these differences. It was such a lovely response to my article that I wanted to write about what he spoke of, and
thank him for his lovely comment, which got me to write this article.
I don’t have any answers. I guess the answers in the piece I just wrote.
I would think the level of teaching about sex and relationships would be similar for boys and girls within a single household. Meaning, overall, boys teach boys, and girls teach girls. So it’s not solely boys that are not getting the information, but it is the point of the article. Girls teach girls to be embarrassed about their bodies…and as they get older, girls label other girls “sluts” or “whores” if they sleep with a guy (probably out of jealousy). I can’t think of too many guys that label women sluts, unless they won’t, or have stopped sleeping with them personally. On the other hand, there are a plethora of women that label other women as sluts for their sexual choices.
So for boys, we have one boy teaching another that it is “cool” to have sex. For girls, we have one girl teaching another that she’ll be called names if she has sex. Then we all grow up and blame each other for the fallout…and instead of correcting the situation, giving instruction to parents on how to build a child’s self-confidence and acceptance of their own bodies and sexual choices, we scream and point at others because the stereotypes persist.
We need both parents for children. They don’t have to live in the same household, but both parents are a necessity for raising children. For boys, you have a father who they can relate to, and a mother who they see working with dad as an equal partner, building a respect for women. For girls, you have a mother they can relate to and a father who they see working with mom as an equal partner, building a respect for men.
As our society tries to justify the greatness of single parents and how tough they have it, just stop and think how tough their decision to be a single parent makes it on the rest of society. Our politicians couldn’t care less, special interest continues to destroy the nucleus that is needed for healthy children, and all justify it as “the best interest of the children.”
I think we are seeing the results of all the hot air and we’re not liking them. We now need to “readjust” our children with our “new” society. Well, the solution is simple. We put the cornerstone back and build on a strong foundation, instead of constantly trying to prop up the shoddy structure we developed out of propaganda and pious aspiration.
Loved this! Sharing it with my mans group now. Truly admire your courage for putting this all out there.
Here in BC we have been blessed by the teaching of the amazing sexual health educator Meg Hickling. Our boys had their first “body science” talk with all the kindergarten classes in the school district in a chat with Meg, with parents also attending. They would see her again every few years, with the next installment of what they were ready to know. Besides talks and workshops, she has written books and has done podcasts of her talks. Her teachings also encompass safety, character, peer pressure and ethics. Canada loves her and she has received Officer of the Order of BC and the Order of Canada. Do yourself a favour and check her out. She has a resource guide for parents, the first 10 pages of which is recommended books and videos for each age. Terrific!! http://www.sfu.ca/dialog/undergrad/pdfs/0503-Janet_Webber.pdf
CW, wow. what an awesome resource guide. yes, the US is WAY behind Canada when it comes to sex education. Thanks for the reminder and the inspiration!
I couldn’t agree with you more. But even moreso, these “boys” who are responsible for teaching other boys, also are the ones that grow up to be legislators and end up “teaching” everyone through their own misgivings about men and boys in general. It leads to the media mishandling information and allows special interest to spread even more ridicule and insult, proliferating the message these “boys” grew up pushing, finding as men that the message bought votes to keep them in power.
This “bravado” also refuses to admit when they are abused by others, to stay silent and pretend to like it if they are not to be ridiculed. It’s why we have a society where men and women are equally violent to each other in relationships, yet only one gender seems to warrant being treated like a human. It gives society the impetus to treat all men as ignorant, sexual predators and allows courts to justify taking their children away from them for no reason, pushing them to the bottom of the human pool, to be chastised, ridiculed more and openly insulted.
So yes, many may leave it up to boys to teach other boys…but the more serious result is it forms a society that ignorantly destroys our boys. In my son’s school, I found in the library a book called, “Boys are Dogs” about a girl who treated boys just like dogs to manipulate them and get them to behave for her. This is the society we live in. I had the book removed from my son’s school immediately! When it was brought out in the open, it wasn’t even a question. Imagine teaching boys to treat girls like dogs so they can get them to behave exactly as they want them.
This is the society that these boys who “teach” other boys develop. This is the kind of stereotypical ignorance that continues to grow like a rolling snowball, until fathers may not even be allowed contact with their children…even then I can see full blame going on those fathers for being absent. And the more absent fathers, the more boys teach boys. And the more boys teach boys, the more fathers will be absent. You have hit the nail on the head but you’re going to need more than a match to melt the snowball the size of the Hindenburg.
Very prophetic, almost two weeks before Akin’s infamous remarks….
looking back, the fact that adults don’t want to educate their kids about sex and leaving it in the hands of male teenagers to ‘figure it out’ affected me, and probably many girls my age, as well. as girls, we were taught that we don’t have sex drives and that our sex is simply a tool for manipulating men into giving us attention and material possessions thanks to gratuitously overexaggerated male-driven stereotypes- leaving us with similar shame and confusion when our bodies and minds naturally started turning to the idea of sex. i can count on one hand the number of times anyone ever said to me, “it’s natural for you to want sex” in those crucial years, and i can count on one fingernail the number of times it wasn’t said to me by an over-eager teenage boy trying to get in my pants.
parents, please teach your children about sex. be honest with them. babies don’t come from storks, masturbation and sexual desire are not ‘dirty’ things, girls have an equally high and temperamental sex drive, and eventually your kids are GOING to figure all that out- part of your responsibility should be making sure that they don’t feel confused and alone when they do.
I used to be on the faculty for the Kinsey Institute. Right before Clinton had his Monica moment, the Institute had done a survey of mid-western adults. When Clinton said, “I did not have sex with this woman,” the majority of those interviewed would have agreed with him. Overwhelmingly in this survey and others, Americans tend to define “sex” as penal/vaginal penetration. Anything else isn’t “real sex.” Just so, in a survey of adolescent females, of those that had had oral sex, the overwhelming majority considered themselves to be “virgins” since they hadn’t had penal/vaginal penetration. Same thing if there had been anal sex, since that wasn’t considered “real sex,” just as sex between two men or two women isn’t considered “real sex” by a lot of Americans.
When we surveyed people as to where they would like to find out about sexually related questions, about 75% stated they would ask their Doctors. So we surveyed medical schools, where we found the majority had less than 8 hours of instruction on human sexuality. When the study was repeated 20 years later, medical schools spent even less time providing instruction in human sexuality to physicians.
This means, of course, if your doctor was out for the day of sexuality instruction, he or she may actually know less about sex than you do.
Of course, the fact American knowledge of sex is based on peer information from adolescents makes a great deal of sense given our political policies.
I’m in the process of getting more paperwork. I have about twenty years of experience in helping people with “family” problems. Usually if there are any major issues I tell them where I think that the appropriate help could be obtained. Recently I started to get involved with several “lifestyle” groups; polyamory, BDSM, swingers, and gays. In discussions with these groups often concerns come up about where counseling help can be obtained. That’ when I decided to step up and get an MSW and start doing counseling. The reason was my going to a polyamory site(UU Poly). It had a survey that had been sent to people that provide couples services. They found that 80% of the people that provide these services had no clue about polyamory. That means 8 out of 10 times the ‘couple’ seeks help the person will be clueless about helping. In fact, they can be detrimental to the couple.
James W. Love, M.Ed. – Sincere congratulations on finding – and walking – this new path. I just recently was presented with a similar temptation — a degree in Pagan Counseling. I am giving it a lot of thought, because I do not wish to begin something I could not finish. If you have any input or advice, please write me! Namaste.