Not all relationships follow every rule in the rule-book. Does breaking a few rules make long term love easier?
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I had a disturbing conversation this morning with a male friend. He was talking about how his ability to connect with other people had changed due to some changes in his lifestyle. We started talking about how intimacy seems locked up behind the wall of romance.
The average hetero-relationship lasts about 3.5 years these days. It has been always been a sticking point for me—why invest in something ‘lasting’ when you know it’s shelf life is going to be less than most cans of soup?
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Coming from a place where breakups were nuclear- this idea that you could still love a person in a different way after you had dated them truly flabbergasted me
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I am lucky and grateful that even without a romantic partner, I have intimacy in my life. The people who taught me this model are F and J. I met them about 20 years ago, on the run from an abusive boyfriend. They took me in as one of their tribe, and taught me much. I met F first, as he was dating my downstairs neighbor in the house-share.
I then met F’s housemate J—who I discovered had been his boyfriend. Mind officially blown. Coming from a place where breakups were nuclear—this idea that you could still love a person in a different way after you had dated them truly flabbergasted me.
It didn’t seem to matter to either one that they dated other people, or had separate lives. To this day they share a house, a dog and chores.
When asked what they liked about each other, and drove each other nuts—it was the same stuff as any other relationship—one is slovenly, one is a maniacal neat freak.
One is an extrovert, the other a curmudgeon of epic proportions. They have lasted 24 and half years this way, having dated for three. Something about their bond always brings out the mushy in me, which J is always quick to put paid to.
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So I took my questions about lasting love to F- his advice?
Q: Jealousy?
“When we were dating, there was no reason for it. When we stopped, we were more interested in seeing each other happy than feeling miffed about whatever. We balance out nicely. We were already living together more as roommates than boyfriends anyway – no reason to not live together.”
Q: What makes you crazy about the other person?
“His lack of enthusiasm for fun. He would say: my hoarding and slovenliness.”
Q: What do you admire most about them?
“ I admire J’s organizational skills and ability to keep the house tidy. He would say he admires my joie de vivre.”
Q: What have you learned from being close ?
“That it ain’t no picnic! It also ain’t no big thing. We let each other do his own thing & don’t get upset.”
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If you can learn to lay aside those ideals, and just remember that person you love (or want to love) is another human -it seems like an easier way to go. And for me, a more sustainable model than the “traditional” one.
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Looking back at my own relationships in the last 20 years, I see that I unconsciously emulated them. While I am still hopeful that at some point my next relationship will be my last, I have stayed friends with the people I dated in direct rebellion to the conventional wisdom. I can safely say that the men who weren’t my “Prince Charming” made my life richer and happier, and I think vice versa.
But the reality is there are a lot of minefields in straight relationships about who is more “in control” – who gets to decide what, whether that makes you more or less of whatever gender you are. If you can learn to lay aside those ideals, and just remember that person you love (or want to love) is another human -it seems like an easier way to go. And for me, a more sustainable model than the “traditional” one. Off to shiny up my tinder profile…..
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Photo: Getty Images