Start the flame and keep the fire going – love advice by Steve Garrett.
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Spring cautiously began to show its face here in Wales, and I was out in my small garden in Cardiff in the afternoon to clear up some of the winter detritus and make space for new growth. I was obviously in a reflective mood, because it felt like a good metaphor for an internal process I’m also going through. What parts of my old thinking are deadwood and need to be cleared away to leave space for new ideas to come?
I had tried and failed a couple of times to get a little bonfire started, and finally accepted that I needed a bit more of a systematic approach than just “stick in a match and hope for the best.” That’s when it dawned on me, perhaps I had sometimes been taking a similar approach as a lover, with equally disappointing results—for my partner anyway. As I said, I was in a reflective mood. Maybe there could be a useful parallel between getting my bonfire to burn and setting my lover ‘on fire.’ However, unlike burning branches, the pleasure of creating warmth in the bedroom is often best when it’s also an expression of a shared emotional connection, rather than just an end in itself.
There is no contradiction between a man gaining practical skills in lovemaking, and him being present and connected in a deeper emotional way. As long as a preoccupation with technique and getting results doesn’t take over, of course. We all know the unhelpful effect that ‘performance anxiety’ can have on such occasions. Anyway, here are some lessons which I think my gardening gave me that day, which could perhaps be of value in the bedroom.
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One thing you need for both successful fire-making and love-making is space; it’s really not the kind of thing that you can usually do well in a rush. Planning and patience reap big dividends. (There are exceptions of course, depending on how combustible things are) Even if you are lucky enough to get some flames going quickly (outdoors or indoors), if you have to leave before the process has come to a satisfying conclusion, the fire will either go out (leaving a mess that you’ll have to sort out later) or could become uncontrollable and be a danger to the neighbors!
Once you’ve set aside the necessary time and space, it’s no good piling on big stuff too soon; always start small, and build things up slowly. Assuming you have a reliable way to get things started (a flame in the case of your bonfire; ‘chemistry’ with a lover or partner) it’s important to start with easy wins; things that can be gently coaxed to ignite quickly—the fire-building equivalent of foreplay. A bonfire is a lot more predictable than a person, of course, so in the case of a partner, it’s a good idea to ask and find out what works best for them). This early stage can’t be rushed if you want the innate power of the fire to build steadily up to the point where it begins to get an unstoppable momentum. I do think that good sex, like a good fire, is something you have to ‘let happen’ at a certain point, rather than try to ‘control’.
Once the initial flames are starting to catch, it’s time to up the ante with some larger pieces placed carefully so they don’t squash the still embryonic combustion taking place. It’s also important to let plenty of air in to the fire; the equivalent in the bedroom being love, caring and attention—all of which can feed the flames of passion for your partner.
What generally works well is a mixture of ‘taking control’ and ‘taking care’, keeping an eye on the flames, which may still be a bit fragile at this stage…
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If you’ve been careful, the heat will keep growing, and you can start thinking about adding some heavier material. Don’t be too tentative or cautious—that can put out a fire of either kind! What generally works well is a mixture of ‘taking control’ and ‘taking care’, keeping an eye on the flames, which may still be a bit fragile at this stage. If they start to falter, you can adjust your pace or change what you’re using for fuel. The size of your ‘wood’ (sorry) is not very important when it comes to determining how hot things can get; it’s more where you put it that counts (of course)!
All being well, the fire of either type will soon be starting to crackle and glow, so you can begin to pile on everything you’ve got, as it builds momentum to the point where you know, unless you decide to throw cold water over the whole thing (one very avoidable way this might happen in bed, is if you fail to fully understand and embrace the concept of ‘consent’), this passionate process is not going to stop until everything has been consumed. It’s out of your hands, in a manner of speaking, so you can stop worrying and fully experience the dramatic power which is being unleashed!
Many men have, or like to think they have, an innate ability to build a good bonfire; often using techniques picked up from those fathers who were willing and able to show us how to do this. Most dads were (and are) a lot more reticent about teaching teach us anything to do with being a good lover! However, it could just be that the fire building skills we already have are eminently transferable to our love life. Which means we already know more ways to heat things up in bed than we realize, if you pay attention to what we’re doing, in the same way that we do when we’re fire-starting. To help our own son(s) get a jump on gaining this important horizontal knowledge, the similarities might even be something worth mentioning if we find ourselves building a fire with them one day.
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