“We feel we should be strong enough to handle grief on our own. Grief doesn’t give us that option.”
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There are good reasons for not dealing with grief. We have to go to work if we want to keep our job. The children have to be taken to school and helped with their homework. We have to go shopping and cook, if we want to eat.
We have to do the laundry. Pets have to be walked. There is work to be done in the yard. Bills have to be paid, cars repaired, and somehow we have to find time to sleep. We don’t have any time left to grieve.
Ignoring grief is like a leak in our roof. We can take care of it now, or we can wait as it seeps through the ceiling.
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In the face of adversity, we are taught to stand up. We are told to appear decisive and in control in front of our children. We are told to be full of faith and believe that everything happens for a reason. And male or female, we feel we should be strong enough to handle grief on our own.
Grief doesn’t give us that option.
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Ignoring grief is like a leak in our roof. We can take care of it now, or we can wait as it seeps through the ceiling, gets into the walls, and warps the floors.
Grief is not a wound that will heal on its own. It will not fade away over time. We can say that we’re too busy, too distraught, or just don’t want to deal with it, but grief is going to hang around until we open its box and deal with its contents.
Unfortunately, our society has forgotten what it used to do to help people cope. Death is huge, and there are two really good reasons for not delaying grief:
- Grief won’t go away until it’s faced.
- People are willing to help us now. They won’t be later, and we need them.
If we bury ourselves in our work, and put off grieving for one, ten, or twenty years, don’t expect people to be as understanding as they were at the beginning. In the minds of most people, time equates to recovery, whether or not we’ve actually done any grieving.
If we shut our grief down, we may also shut down all our emotions.
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People expect us to grieve in the first month, and be moody, angry, sad, and depressed. We have their permission to cry and fall apart, and no one thinks less of us. In the first month, people will respond with compassion and bring over food, help with chores, and listen to us talk. Then they go back to their busy lives, and we’re left on our own.
We’re going to be broken for a while. If we’re feeling emotional, then we should be emotional, otherwise people will think we’re unfeeling automatons. We need to share what’s going on inside if people ask. They wouldn’t inquire if they weren’t willing to listen. We need to set our pride aside and let people help if it’s something we’d like.
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If we shut our grief down, we may also shut down all our emotions. Then our interactions with people become hard and brittle, our compassion for the suffering of others goes flat, we turn our backs on love and on the people who are trying to help, and we end up isolated, alone, and bitter.
When her husband died, a friend of mine said she wanted to face everything that grief had in the first year—all the crying, despair, and loneliness, all the holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays—and then she wanted to move on. I think she will because she is determined and she has a community of friends supporting her as she travels along grief’s road.
If we ignore grief and put it on the back burner, it will simmer, get thicker and harder, and it will be a royal mess to clean up.
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Originally published: Widower’s Grief and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Our family therapist says, “If you don’t work on grief, grief will work on you.” Sage advice from a great LCSW. She also says that you will grieve for your loss for the rest of your life. Most people cringe at the idea of a life long sentence of grief when I tell my story to others. I find it comforting to know that there isn’t a prescribed length of time to “get over” my wife’s death. Each new milestone that she is no longer here to share with me or our two daughters can feel like a valley of… Read more »
I like your approach, Scott. Grief will stay with us. And, as you noted, the happy memories also return and remind us of their love.
FrankS.
Exactly. And nobody would have it any different, if things were going through a rough patch.
I suppose women could volunteer to switch roles…..
As shown above, men are given permission to grieve – but we all know it comes with the understanding that we be a “real man” and make sure the womenfolk around us are ok first.
So it’s not that we are not allowed to grieve, it’s that we are expected to put ourselves at the bottom of the pile when it comes to grief.
Taking care of the grief of others first is an act of compassion. This works if we remember to take care of what we need somewhere along the line.
My Father died when I was 12……… I was told by a nun at his funeral to be glad it was him and not my mom……. even though he was the warm loving parent. I was told by Dozens of older teens and adults that I needed to be strong for my Mom/Sisters/G’ma…..To buck-up and be strong …. not to burden them with my grief, instead to carry their burdens if possible. It screwed me up for years…….Drugs, Drinking, fighting…….never feeling I was worthy of love or compassion…….by the time I was 17 I had no empathy left for anyone.… Read more »
I don’t know why the nun said what she did. We are stronger when we share our emotions because then we become a community that supports one another when we could use help. If no one knows we are hurting, supportive relationships don’t form. I’m thankful you found a few friends who understand
Thank you for this article. Completely agree. Two months ago my brother who suffers from schizophrenia attempted suicide as he heard voices telling him to do this or his family would be hurt. As a result, I took 4 days off from my work and flew to a friend’s house to grieve. He said he thought it was amazing that I was able to do this, and praised me. However, at work people seemed puzzled by what I did and seemed astonished that I could be so upset and aware of what I needed to do for my mental health.… Read more »
We are busy with our own lives and live as individuals. Our sense of being in a community with others, and looking out for each other, really has fallen by the wayside. Compassion and kindness, to others and ourselves, is so important.
Men have always had permission to grieve. It has been, though, strongly suggested they take care of business first before letting down. We could make adjustments. Women could be obliged to take care of business first while men collapse on the spot. Or nobody takes care of business first. Men have always had permission to grieve. When my brother, USAF, was killed overseas, the Army was solicitous of my situation. In fact, at my new duty station the guy in charge of the notification of next of kin roster didn’t put me on it, :”for obvious reasons”. He left and… Read more »
Men should grieve in whatever way, and whenever, they want. Take care of business first? Fine. But make sure you take time somewhere to grieve. Returning to the mountains for a year to hike helped me tremendously.